myhairdresserhatesme.com

I'm actually getting used to the highlights. The front one still starts my heart a bit when I step in front of the mirror but overall I don't want to cry anymore. I left a few freaked out messages with the hair lady and finally talked to her and now I feel bad about how bad she feels. She's going to fix it on tuesday and hopefully we can be friends again. I like the look, just not the color. I think probably if you've never had a tan you simply have no way to pull off blond highlights, it's just not natural.

I think this week is bound to be stressful with or without the hair do. I'm trying to set Matt up so he won't starve while I'm in chicago and get my client prepared too. She told me today she's throwing a cocktail party tomorrow. A whole day of notice! Whoo! It's kind of fun really. She has a beautiful apartment so it's way fun to get things ready. My apartment is so tiny and cramped that parties are a pain, but hers is perfect. She has me on a mission to find sherry glasses and a cd of Debussy by tomorrow night. There are some days that my job is great, I love a shopping challenge.

first she gave me xanax then she gave me a discount

I thought that the massive bug zits I mentioned this morning would be the worst part of my day but no, then I went to get my hair done. Now, the purpose of paying for it to be done by someone else was to keep me from making myself look like a moron. The word she used was caramel. The color is more, I don't know...oh my god blonde. On the one hand, the insane nail polish and the giant bite marks might detract from the blonde, or vice versa but either way I'm going to need more xanax. She offered to try and fix it if I simply can't live with it. What do y'all think?

"not so fast, I don't want to wake up pregnant"

They're not zits, they're bug bites. It's a grooming dilemma. There's simply nothing to be done but wait it out and buy a bug net. Who would have known spreading manure would have such lasting consequences, I would have thought doing the actual spreading punishment enough but I guess not. I wrote before about puppy getting bug bites too and blowing up to look like a pug on steroids but judging from his nose in a bee's nest activity this morning I'm thinking it was a wasp sting instead. They actually chased us down the hill, they must have been really mad. On the one hand the bees/wasps are good for the garden and the fruit trees, on the other there is only so much benadryl in the world, we're not sure what to do about them. We haven't had trouble until now but it's not like we can give the woof a stern talking to. He either learns from his pain or he doesn't, either way we have to keep treating him. I'm hoping he didn't get a sting today, there's no way to know until his nose swells up. Que Pobrecita.

"Pick a job and then become the person that does it."

Matt and I have a Harry Potter date tonight. We had meant to go last night...but things didn't work out. I couldn't leave woofy alone for 13 hours just to see a movie that will probably be playing for a month. I'm looking at skirts I don't need to buy and getting ready to go pick up huge hunks of metal for Matt, and then I have to torture the chickens. Sometimes they are very calm when we handle them I just wish I could figure out what makes the difference. I would sing opera if it kept them calm when we change the water.

Days off are always so crazy. No matter how much I schedule my time I find it just slipping away. The puppy runs off with the roll of paper towels and it takes 20 minutes to get it back and then the chickens practice their flying and tip over the feeder. And the rest of the time I spend motivating myself to do the next task. Dishes! Can't wait to do the dishes! Can't wait to get 'em done and move on to the laundry! And dusting!!! I love dusting!!! A lot!!! Whoo!!! I think I broke the exclamation point key with all the excitement of house cleaning. I'll never be able to show you guys how excited I am ever again. I'll have to use words to express my feelings instead of excessive punctuation, like a real writer. The humanity.

"Step 1: You start running. There is no Step 2."

My puppy is swollen. His skinny collie nose got about a hundred bug bites and now he looks like a pug. I got a bunch of bug bites too only I have opposable thumbs for scratching and applying lotions and drinking heavily. No, actually I made a pie but that wasn't bug bite related. I was just hungry. Anyway, my dog is excessively round and I'm feeding him benadryl. I sought veterinary assistance and even though it freaks me out to give him benadryl, I gave him half her recommended dosage. He looks a lot better, it's quite a relief. He was finding more and more interesting places to stick his snout for scratching potential.

He was eerily calm on the medicine and let kitty walk right by without even lifting his head. Matt said we should sedate them on a rotating basis but probably that wouldn't make us pet parents of the year. The chickens however could seriously use some valium. You're supposed to play with them to get them used to you but I think it makes them even more insane. There is one chicken who is very sweet and calm and lets us pick her up with no fuss, she's my favorite. I'm going to name her fluffy and she'll be my best feathered friend. The rest we're calling Kung Pow! at least until they freakin' relax. Sheesh.

"can't prepare for a naked woman and a hog"

Insert words here. That's what I feel like about posting lately. I want to write all these words and yet I sit down to type and these spastic paragraphs fly on to the screen and I can't bring myself to post them. Today I bought manure. That was my big excitement, buying manure. Which I stacked next to my groceries and now that I think of it is kind of gross. I felt extra special walking through walmart with my cart o' poo. It's actually very heavy so I didn't get to spread it yet, I need my house boy to come home and carry it up the hill for me.

I'm watching Mad Men and I'm wondering what it would be like to buy and wear those dresses all the time. I have enough anxiety buying t shirts. We actually have a wedding to go to in the fall and at first I thought "Oh shit, I need a dress!" and then we got the invitation and we have to bring our own food, drink and chairs so I'm thinking I probably don't need to run to Neiman Marcus, maybe not even TJ Maxx. On the flipside I invited my family to stay with me and now I need to buy towels and sheets that won't embarrass me forever. I think I'm the only one to inherit my mother's houseware obsessed genes. I almost had a heart attack last week when I went to serve pie and realized I had no dessert plates in the kitchen. Tragedy! Serving a whole pie to four people with just forks is socially inept but would have been a kickass blog picture.

Anyway I want the house to be comfortable if the family comes to visit. I always find myself searching for towels near sinks and trying to get soap out of empty dispensers. Those things drive me crazy. Especially as you wonder how the people who live there ever wash their hands. I definitely don't have enough bath towels for everyone but I guess if you can ask wedding guests to bring their own food you can ask your family to bring some towels. Le sigh!

What to pack for Blogher, slacker edition

I think a lot about packing. In my head I'm really good at putting things in bags and taking them places and arriving at the place with all the right things. I make a lot of lists and I visualize the packing and then the day comes and I find myself in Montreal with only the flip flops I rode in on. That being the case I started packing for Blogher today, almost two whole weeks early, in the hopes of arriving in Chicago with comfortable shoes and enough underwear and a toothbrush.

I'm limiting myself to a purse and one carry on so it's imperative that I don't pack two hundred t-shirts and leave out my phone charger. The bulk of my luggage is going to be things like sunscreen and notebooks and hair care products so the clothes are going to have to earn their place in my bag. I pulled out all of my favorite things today, all the clothes that put a spring in my step when I wear them. I want things that can do double duty and things I can layer because the air-conditioning is going to be freezing. I removed all the sports wear immediately because this is definitely not a trip for exercising, why even bother with the pretense. I took out everything that doesn't fit perfectly right now and everything that isn't completely comfortable, and everything that isn't looking as good as it should be because you don't meet your new bff's with stains on your shirt.

The things that were left out on the bed had a lot of things in common, so it looks like I'm definitely bringing a black and a white t-shirt, this scarf, trouser jeans, one or two colorful tank tops, a cardigan, and one new t-shirt from Martin & Osa that makes me want to drool. I'm going to use jewelry and shoes to bridge the day to evening gap, and of course make-up, but otherwise I'm bringing as little as possible.

I tried really hard not to buy anything for this trip because it's expensive enough without remaking one's wardrobe. There are some things I just didn't have, like a suitcase, which I had to purchase. I also bought some travel things like little bottles and some of those bags that squash all your clothes into pancakes. It would be really easy to buy all new things and be some new person for three days but what in the world would be the point. Too easy.

"This could be mathier"

I had such a good day at work yesterday I could practically sing. It was totally awesome. And I've decided to stop being afraid of driving the new car today. I'm going to take it out to the mall to return the hello kitty car seats, yes the ones Pinky linked to that were totally on clearance at Target but do not fit. Unless someone else wants them in which case leave a comment super fast. I opened the door yesterday to get my sunglasses out and was almost killed by the stewing new car smell so I thought I'd better take the chance to air that sucker out before it turns out like my dad's pickup which I have to drive wearing a gas mask. Hard to have a road trip in a gas mask.

The chickens are getting huge. I keep forgetting how things with short life spans grow so damn fast. There's one that's particularly girthy and I'm hoping it's just a brick house of a hen because I don't need a rooster. I'm willing henness upon that chick with my whole psyche. Not that it's the worst thing in the whole world if we have a rooster it's just that they're sort of useless to our purposes. We require eggs, not more chicks but roosters do have redeeming qualities like torturing the neighbors and adding a layer of protection to his harem. My dad was telling me a story about his childhood where the kids all got pastel colored chicks for easter. They raised them in a box by the furnace and built them a coop. They had 5 roosters and 1 hen, until the day my uncle hung his bow and arrow target on the side of the coop and took out the only laying hen with his first shot. My grandma butchered the roosters in retaliation but no one would eat them. That same uncle also used a slingshot to rescue grandma's parakeet from a tree in the yard...funny how he only ever hit something he intended to miss.

Trouble with Tribbles

I don't know why, I just can't get that out of my head so I made it a title. Seek no reason here and you won't be totally disappointed. Woof and I went to the island today and actually saw some sunshine. The weather was starting to get us down and we aren't the only ones because they've been playing that 10,000 maniacs song almost as much as thriller this week. I'm glad we took a chance and drove down there because we had a very nice walk, jumped on some missionaries and made one asian family grab their children and run by us like I had an alligator on the leash instead of a puppy. But whatever...

Here are some pictures of the walk. We went from otter point to thunder hole but I'm not quite sure where those rocks are. Pink granite sort of appears everywhere, it's hard to get an exact local. The picture with the rock climbers is otter cliffs. They must have been feeling lucky because in that fog a boat could never get to them if they fell, they'd be screwed...not that you wouldn't be screwed anyway falling off a cliff. I digress. It was a really beautiful day, fog suits the occasion but it did clear when we got closer to sand beach.




I added a few more miles of new trail to my map and if the weather finally breaks we'll get back to the carriage roads. Witch hole pond is next, it's supposed to be really lovely and it's short enough for us to easily do in a day. I heart being a hiker, I really do.

"just woke up dead one day"

We've kept the chickens alive for four whole days, yay us! The feather sisters are getting their wing feathers and are practicing flying over each other. It's really cute but the others don't like it, funny enough. We've been making an effort to handle them often so things are easier when they're bigger and flightier but it makes them cranky. I'm terrified one of them is going to try flying out of my hands and make a cartoon splat on the floor. They are growing so fast it's insane. Their little drumsticks are particularly adorable, they like to stretch after napping and the legs are so chubby and cute. We spend a lot of time standing over their box cooing at them, we're the biggest dorks ever.

I have to make a scary call to the insurance company in exactly 9 minutes and it might make me cranky. It might ruin my day completely but there's no point in putting it off. If I don't get everything settled as soon as possible some mysterious tree will fall on the Rogue and crush it to death. I meant to put it in the garage first thing but Matt has a job parked in front of the door. 'Course if it was in the garage and I didn't make the call at exactly 8 probably there would be a freak fire, better not risk it.

As an aside, I can't tell you how weird I feel about being an suv driver. It feels like driving a bus, there's so much more vehicle behind the rearview mirror than I'm used to. We talked about it incessantly and there was no way around it, that dog needs a car like a bus and it's not a sin to have all wheel drive in Maine. Matt keeps telling me it's actually a "crossover" and not an "suv" but the guilt is still there. Massive, massive amounts of guilt. Maybe I should get the virgin mary car seat covers and hang a crucifix on the mirror.

"an acid stomach and a sudden urge to weep"

I signed the papers yesterday and I feel no joy at all. Everyone at the dealership was saying congratulations and of course they're happy they just sold a car but I am not feeling the congratulations. The best I can muster toward positive emotion is satisfaction that it's all over and we won't have to do it again...hopefully. The finance lady asked if we were going to celebrate and I said I'd be going home to vomit profusely and it's good we already signed the papers because I think I made her sick. Never be honest in a car dealership, it upsets the cosmic balance.

So I drove it home yesterday and now it's in the garage...where it will stay until we pay it off or until my other car has a full head rotation exorcist experience. It would be safe to say I'm a little bit on edge but apparently not too on edge to google search hello kitty car seat covers. My need to protect the new car and also be a dork come fabulously together here. Apparently I'm on a budget now so I might have to use an old blanket and just visualize hello kitty in the stains, le sigh.

"celebrities are so much smaller in person"

These are our newest babies, six Barred Rock Chicks. So far it's going very well. Chairman meow is interested but not attempting to actually get at them, Knox is only interested when we are but enjoyed sniffing the chick I presented him with and the chicks are peeping happily and sleeping like a feathery carpet. I'm working on telling them apart but so far I can only tell the fluffy one and the even fluffier one apart from the crowd. I might just name them all susan and forget about it until one turns out to be a rooster.

"the guilty guy always asks for a lawyer"

I saw the sun for almost three whole minutes this afternoon, it was awesome. It's gone now but I'll always have the memories. Actually tomorrow is supposed to be nicer...before the thunderstorm. Not that I'm complaining about the rain, the garden is doing wonderfully. I'm still sort of surprised that all those things we planted are growing. It's amazing. The corn is up and lots of dry beans, potatoes and enough onions to eat one a day all winter...not that we'd want to we just have to remember not to plant so many next year. I have to thin some carrots and lettuces but right now the garden is so soft you can't really walk in it without causing a plant apocalypse so they'll have to wait. I'm really excited about all the growing and I'm even more excited that I don't have to lug water all the way up the hill, YAY RAIN!

I'm planning a long hike for tomorrow if I don't have to work. It's been too long since we've walked in the park and I really miss it. I'm even prepared to walk if it's wet, Knox and I have been cooped up inside too long and he's always such a good boy when he's sleeping. Things with my job have been really crazy lately but are starting to improve, or maybe I'm just learning how to deal. I'm working hard to remind myself that I'm not her mother or her keeper and if she cancels all her doctor's appointments the day before and neglects to tell me...well, whatever. It's extra stressful to find your employment wavering when you're trying to buy a car but I think things will be ok. It's sort of good for my job security that we have to keep remaking appointments. The women I work with applaud my patience so I'm trying to live up to that. It's definitely work.

The Bickersons

Yesterday Knox and I went to the pet store to get kitty a new litterbox and instead we got him a backpack. We also met some very sweet kitties up for adoption, a pair who would like to stay together and seemed cautiously curious about Knox. I really wanted those kitties. In fact, I want to take home every kitty I see all the time. There was a free kitten sign on a road nearby and I had to will myself every day not to stop, fortunately it's gone now. I asked Matt what he'd do if I came home with another cat and he just shook his head, like the possibility of owning one more pet just wouldn't fit in his brain. He has to keep reminding me that the chickens will be pets too and will upset the house enough for the next few weeks without adding a territorial kitty battle upstairs.

When I think about it properly I know it's a bad idea, Chairman Meow will crush the opposition no problem. She hisses with deadly accuracy. I had secretly thought that if I got a pair they might stand a chance but probably it'll just turn into trench warfare for the next five years or until someone finds our bodies with multiple sharp cuts at the jugular. Puppy will miss us. He'll be only a slave in the new society, forced to surrender his treats and toys for the greater good. Guess I'd better stop searching petfinder all afternoon.

"I've been stabbed by plenty of girls."

A long weekend in NH with a visit to the car store and a case of maalox. Turns out I didn't need any help to get the car and I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. On the upside I have no desire to eat anything ever again or until the car is paid off (and seriously I haven't even signed anything yet...). But probably everyone is tired of hearing about my money spending induced nausea, dementia and general insanity. I'm tired of it too, I really want my brain back.

It would be a good time to take a mind clearing walk...but it's rrrrraining. Apparently it's been raining non-stop since I left and it's supposed to rain all week. There are plenty of things I can do today but I was looking forward to getting some miles in. I've come to the place in hiking where my muscles miss it when I don't go. It's a good place to be, makes me feel like a real hiker. I had been thinking a real hiker might brave the rain but it's certain the trails are sloppy and unsafe, the roads slippery. It's probably smarter to just do my chores and hope for dryer days between work and chickens, picking up the car and signing my life away.

The most exciting thing is the arrival of the chicks. We've been waiting for them for so long, the anticipation is huge. One of my jobs today is to have their first house all ready, I even have chick toys. I'm so excited about my babies! I'm hoping they do well because we might have to leave them for a while when the car comes. We'd hoped Matt's dad would babysit but he can't...and anyway he said he didn't know how. All he has to do is make sure there is food and water but I hope something else comes up that we need a babysitter for because I really want to trick him into clucking over the box for hours on end...hehehe.

"the regime from which the free radicals want to break free?"

It occurred to me today that I spend an awful lot of my time rearranging the natural colors of my person. Nail polish and nail polish remover, sunscreen and self tanner, make up...I don't have a good opposite for that, it seems a bit much to complain about soap. Anyway, it takes up kind of a lot of time. Three kinds of face cream, body lotion and sunscreen a couple times a day...not that I'm complaining...it's not shotgun skin care. It just occurred to me this morning as I was debating the state of my manicure how much time all this girl being takes. It takes up a lot of my bathroom cupboards too. I just got this new nail polish too, purple is supposed to be "the" color this summer. And she wonders where the cupboard space goes.

"what a good boy!!!"

Matt's mum asked me to help her do a new resume this afternoon since I've written seven billion resumes this year it seemed like a perfect match. I just emailed her the finished products and hopefully it all works out, she's really tired of her job and whoa do I know what that's like. I brought puppy with me so he could visit his grampy, who he loves. The two of them are best friends, the man really lights up when woof is around. Even as I was pulling out of the driveway I could hear him saying what a good dog he is, I think they might get married...such is the love. Hopefully they can all get together this weekend when I am away so Matt doesn't suffer too much being a single parent.

I have a ton of shopping to do and no money since I'm probably buying a car very, very soon. I feel this need to search all the couch cushions for change, take in all my cans and bottles and sell my plasma. I know that I'm not the first adult with adequate jobbage to purchase a car but it's seriously disturbing my zen. SO MUCH MONEY! WHY! Who knew horseless carriages could ever be such a big deal? How much does a horse cost? How many miles per bale do you get with a pony? What about a hybrid? Donkeys are supposed to be very efficient.

Clearly I'm losing my mind. Every thought I have turns to transmissions and color options and oh my god insurance! How much is freaking insurance anyway? I'm pretty sure you don't have to insure a horse, I should really look into building a barn.

Bar Island and the heathen invaders

"And while you're at it don't criticize my methods."

Matt and Puppy say hi from the ampitheater carriage road. It turns out that we had one nice day between all the rain so we hit the park again. It was really beautiful actually and not too many people. Woof made friends with some tiny dogs who stood on their back feet to get better acquainted by licking his face and it was adorable. We walked about six miles which was enough for a saturday afternoon hike and then we undid all the healthy with the biggest small ice creams we've ever had. C'est la vie.

It's beautiful again today and I'm trying to decide what to do. I have an urge to go back to the park, I suppose that's not a bad thing. Walking is good for both of us, it has an uplifting effect on woof's behavior. He's too tired to fight with mrs. bickerson after a few miles of carriage road. My next day off will be spent talking to my dad about buying the new car so maybe I should take the opportunity to relax a little today. It's stresses me out to no end that I can't do it alone, and maybe I could, but I don't have a proper pay stub anymore and god knows that's important to buy huge things in a recession. It'll be nice to have him helping me anyway, father daughter bonding with one thousand papers to sign.

"I don't even know how much an ostrich costs"

I'm not hiking today. It's raining cats and poodles and there have been accidents all over the place. I spent all night asking matt if I should just plan to go home and visit my family instead and he refused to help me decide. I just could not make my brain choose, so I'm in my house and not hiking and I'm trying to get organized. I arranged my flours and baking chocolate, two things that get totally out of control for no apparent reason, and now I'm working on my desk. I always feel better when my kitchen is in order, it's cathartic.

I'm every so slightly putting off making an appointment for a physical. I really need to have my thyroid checked again. I wasn't really happy with the diagnosis last time but I felt all right so I didn't worry about it...now I feel like crap and I'm pretty sure that's why. My sister has the same condition, both sisters actually, and she always says she can tell when her thyroid medication isn't right because she feels like crap. I've felt like crap for a while and it really is time to get ye olde blood checked. Having trouble losing weight is of course one of the symptoms of dysfunctional thyroid, which sucks, but being cold apparently is too and that one freaks me out. It was in the 70's last week and I had sweatshirts on and the windows closed. I felt colder than I did all winter when it was below zero. Part of me thinks that could actually be sort of helpful for keeping cool this summer but thyroid problems can make you really sick so probably I shouldn't dilly dally. I did just buy a bunch of warm walking clothes and it's going to piss me off if I'm hot as hell this summer and I spent all that money at northface. Shopping is a total burden.

"fire bad, tree pretty"

I've bad a pretty good few days at work so I'm feeling positive about that, we had a rough patch and how hopefully things are improving. I'm planning another ten mile walk for puppy and I and I'm looking forward to it. Last week my planning sucked but the walk was awesome so we're going to do it again but with extra water and food and the seven maps I bought. I'm also going to pick up a pocket knife and a bulb for my flashlight and I downloaded a compass application for my iphone. The part of me that's lived here for years thinks this is ridiculous preparation for a park on the island with so many people and so many roads to civilization but it's good for the sanity. And the walking is good for the legs, I feel like an american gladiator but sadly only from the waist down. Shame you can't hike with your arms.

I'm enjoying hiking more than I ever thought. I wish I'd started years ago but sheesh if wishes were horses a love of hiking would be somewhere in the middle of my, uhm, herd. Whatever. I'm hiking now and I'm liking it. I have a small goal to hike Cadillac before the summer is over. It's supposed to be an easy climb but high, apparently the highest peak on the east coast north of Rio. I'm starting with the carriage roads and I have almost all of the easy trails done and then I'll move to the more difficult ones. Fortunately there's enough information on these trails to fill a town full of books. I'm hoping to get Matt hiking with us, he's another one who has lived here a while and doesn't know jack about the trails. We're going to be a family of hikers if it kills me.

"I can tell it's sunday because of the guilt"

So, the chicken was labeled "use or freeze by june 7th" and I froze it the night of June 7th and now it's the 9th and I just put some in the oven and it smells bad. Matt says it's ok, I don't know that much about chicken but I'm not sure that's a smell you want to eat. I'll let you know if he suffers chickenosis poisoning or similar.

Netflix is right now buffering the second season of dexter. A season I just put to the top of my queue because it wasn't available to watch now...yesterday. Seriously annoying. Also weird, I keep dreaming about shrinking my laundry. I wake up and I can't remember if I have any clothes that fit. It's freaking me out. I have a history of shrinking my favorite clothes and I'm extra paranoid lately. I might have to disconnect the dryer to retain my sanity.

"you made a face like you had an irritable bowel experience"

I accidentally walked 10 miles today. Puppy and I were supposed to take a short, five mile walk around Parkman mountain. It sounded really great except I didn't take my map with me and we ended up, uhm, very far away from where we started. Here is the map. I started at the 198/3, can you see it...below the Somes Sound label and left of the Jordan Pond House label...there it is. See all those little dashed lines..there's a small loop that goes out and comes back, that's where I meant to walk. We didn't do that. Somehow I missed a marker or took a wrong turn and based on the markers I remember, I walked almost every one of those trails. We went out toward the pond house, down to the Asticou, up again back to the pond house label and down again and then back up to the Bubbles where I realized HOLY SHIT those are the friggin' Bubbles.

The bubbles rock, that's them...taken from the south end of the pond...but I saw them and OH MY GOD I did not want to see them today. Some very nice cyclists passed by and they had an extra map that they shared with me. It was only about five more miles to go all the way back to where my car was but five is a lot when you realize you're lost in the middle of a national park with no food and no water left. I made a command decision to turn tail and run to the Jordan Pond House.

I took woof into the women's room with me because the water fountain wasn't working and we both needed water. Some of the tourist popover eating women looked like they were about to say something before they saw the crazy in my eyes. I'm sure it's against the rules to have a dog in there but I was projecting end of her tether at 100 decibels, I'm pretty sure. We got some water and I scared the hell out of myself in the mirror, and then I called Matt and he said "what do you want me to do? Steal a car and pick you up?" Yes, exactly...so his carpool buddy gave him a ride to fetch us. If I'd had money I would have got a table and some tea instead of sitting in the parking lot trying not to cry but that's yet another thing I didn't have with me. Sigh.

I fail at hiking, seriously. The poor puppy had diarrhea twice, vomited once and broke his leash permanently. I was terrified that he would become really ill in the middle of even no-er where than we already were, I'd never be able to carry him back to civilization. The only things I can think of that didn't go wrong are A) my hiking boots rock, no blisters or pain B) it was freaking beautiful out today, not too hot or sunny C) no bugs. Also we saw some really beautiful bridge work I have no idea where and a very cute deer hopped onto the trail and bounded ahead of us for about a half mile, it was very nature tv. On the upside of everything, puppy is very asleep and might not wake up till sunday. He's so cute when he's sleeping.

"I never had the words for you"

"I like to look like an idiot twice a day to keep humble"

Firstly, vanilla sugar is awesome and the Vanilla Kifli are awesome and Weeds is awesome (I've been catching up for the new season on netflix). Wait, that was three things, my bad. We walked up Parkman mountain carriage road today, it was really beautiful and really steep. The first mile of the road is uphill, a fact the sweet indian family we met didn't know when they rented bikes this morning. I felt really bad for them but those kids will sleep very well tonight.

It's supposed to be 60 degrees out and I'm freezing. In March I would have been on fire, I don't know what's up with being cold all the time. I googled it and I'm pretty sure I don't have anorexia and the schizophrenia has never been a problem before. Probably it's low thyroid function and I should get tested again. It's been a while since I tested as not needing medication and my health status as perceived by charts and diagrams has changed since then. On the one hand a magic pill would be awesome and on the other I don't want to hear about how my weight is going to kill me. Seriously, I know. Maybe I just need a new doctor so I won't have a panic attack when I make the appointment.

"I'd rather have a mammogram than go car shopping."

Matt and I went car shopping this weekend. We'd been talking and talking about it and researching and it was time to drive one. Fortunately I liked everything about the one I liked everything about already, unfortunately the salesman paid me no attention at all. Tsk Tsk. He asked why we were interested in this car and I said "this car was number 7 on the consumer reports list" and he said nothing. How many selling points could you get from what I said, a million? I think he was expecting me to say "it's shiny!" and make his sale. Anyway, I won't be buying it from him. Sheesh.

It's been a weird weekend, I had all these plans and I just didn't feel like doing anything. I have a ton of things I should be doing today but my progress has been pretty minimal. I'm supposed to be packing up winter things and I really want them gone but my ability to actually do it seems compromised. I'm almost looking forward to working tomorrow just to say I accomplished something. Crazy.

"You want to cut down on the breakfast drugs"

I survived a whole five days of work and am now looking out on a four day weekend. I was thinking about heading home 'but everyone else had their long weekend last weekend. So I went shopping instead. I had been looking forward to shopping all week and then I went and it was really disappointing. It's rainy and dark and starbucks is closed and I couldn't even get myself sugared up to enjoy the time out. Bummer.

I'm home now and baking and things seem right again. We have a birthday party to go to tonight and the birthday boy requested cookies as a present. I made hungarian kifli and we're giving him a bottle of smith family farm milk that comes old school in a glass bottle with cream on top. Cookies and milk, perfect. I'm also going to put a really big bow on the woof because the birthday is for Matt's dad who loves woof and I want him to look extra pretty for his grampy.

I can't seem to get my brain around anything lately. It's getting to be beyond my control and I'm considering some doctoring. Maybe.

"You don't just up and tell a menopausal woman she's fat."

I've been waiting to tell this story, waiting until I could write it down without every other word being offensive and four lettered. The weirdest thing happened to me last week when I went to the grocery store and it's making me more and more angry whenever I think about it. I was just choosing a tomato. It seems simple doesn't it, choosing a tomato at the grocery store. There were a few other shoppers and I waited for a suitable lull around the tomato bin, I didn't want to be rude but still...it's just tomatoes not a bridal sale at FIlene's basement. I picked up a few of the small ones to check them out. It's fair to say I'm a little ocd when it comes to choosing produce. I don't ever take home the first one unless it's perfection is irrefutable. As I picked up the second one the woman next to me said something about not needing to cut in line because she wasn't busy. Obviously I noted it because I remembered to blog it but seriously it's tomatoes so I didn't say anything. When I looked at the third one she said "stop touching them all, I don't want to get swine flu!". What the huh? This was obviously directed at me and it took me a minute to get my head around it. Now, I should have just coughed on her and left but instead I said "If you put a brick through your television you'll have a better life" and then I left. Then she followed me around the market making a "huh" face like I was the one out of line, like I started talking to her, like I am the only person who ever touched those tomatoes which come carefully packaged in little styrofoam jackets, like apparently I'm a pig.

If I wasn't so mad I would have been more freaked out that she kept following me. Who does that exactly? What kind of crazy is that? And if she's so worried about the swine flu why isn't she on a compound in Montana with a semi-automatic? It's been a while since something that weird has happened to me. It was such a refreshing break.

"marriage by pot roast"

I've been cooking all day and I feel like a fishwife. Actually I feel pretty awesome, if a little beat, because I made a pad thai that kicked some serious ass. I also made a portuguese bread that came out a bit crusty...I don't think I put enough water in the extra pan...but is still pretty good if you pretend it was supposed to be rustic italian. I also made up Matt's monthly cinnamon bread batch and some vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting. The cupcakes are the only thing I'm completely unsatisfied with. I've been looking for a vanilla cake recipe since time immemorial and I hate them all. Whenever I find a new one I'm filled with the promise of light and buttery flavorfulness and I'm always disappointed. The ones I have on my counter now are very dense in a not good way and pretty tasteless. God help me the only ones I like come out of a box. I'm deeply shamed. The frosting is good though.

I'm feeling that last day of the weekend thing that happens the night before a busy week. I have to work tomorrow and monday and tuesday and so on and Matt forgot and signed himself up to do a big job today, which means the only time we've spent together are the stolen moments while puppy is outside peeing. We'll have more time together when the garden is roto-tilled and the plants have to go in, special couples time with groaning and sweating but sadly no orgasms.

These would be the plants I bought at the store and not the ones we grew from seed, and also a ton of potato seed we got with our trees. My co-worker recently asked how the farming was going and I said "if this were little house on the prairie there wouldn't be a sequel" but that's not strictly true because if there's one thing you can grow in Maine it's potatoes. If all else fails we can practice making vodka and we won't care that we starve to death. Shot glass half full.

"testosterone spill on aisle 4"

This is my meme, with my sister and my niece. This weekend we celebrated her 90th birthday. The day before the anniversary of my mother's death. Matt and I flipped through the photo album and I showed him pictures of my mother. The photo below was the party favor, it's of my mom, her twin, her other sister and of course memere. My mom is the one smiling.



All through out the party people would hold out their photos and tell me to smile. I guess I look just like her when I'm smiling. I'd never heard that before, it was a nice moment. I also learned that my mom's sister looked just like my niece (pictured) when she was a kid, they both have a "bossy" face. My mom would have loved that.

"Birds do not get you."

I'm reading my chicken book for the third time and I'm still not sure what exactly I need to buy for their arrival. It's so terribly capitalist of me to want to buy their health and happiness, chickens have been around a long time...it's not like they need TiVo. Whatever, I'm nervous about their little lives hanging in the balance of my decisions. And I have to remember to check their little butts occasionally, I might have to set that task to music...must choose feathery booty call song. They're not coming until the middle of June so I have lots of time to worry about it. sigh.

In other news, last week I bought some chips ahoy and now they're all gone. Must've been aliens. I swear. I have no memory of eating them. Aliens or zombies. If I were a zombie I'd totally eat cookies instead of brains. I'd be on the committee for alternative zombie lifestyles and I would fight for my cookie rights. Speaking of which, Maine passed it's pro-same sex marriage law last week. YAY! What's that like, 46 states to go? The modern civil war.

I'm off to work, it's a hiking day and I'm trying to decide which shoes to wear. Don't worry, I'm packing extras. Just not sure which ones. It's freezing today so probably no flip flops, shame. I'll probably take everything but the kitchen sink, I'm tired of getting outdressed every week. Young people are so sensitive!

"Objectively I am thin and lack muscular definition."

My dog stinks. We've washed him twice but whatever it is he rolled in is stubborn and remorseless and doesn't take our threats seriously. I felt really bad about torturing him in the bath because he was such a good boy this weekend but really there was no choice. I didn't think to pack puppy shampoo on our trip home so we bought some sniffy coconut stuff at target. We also got some patio furniture and fancy lights for the block of cement on the side of the house because target pulled me in to it's web and took hold of my brain. We had been looking for outdoor chairs but I hadn't planned on getting a table too. It's actually a nice little set and it was cheap compared to what we've been seeing around, I just feel a little like all my money is being sucked out of my hands with little resistance. I'm also not sure what I'm going to do with all of the cute things I bought for the suburban patio I do not have.

I've been thinking a while about increasing our entertainment space by cleaning up outside. Matt laid a cement 'pad' when they built the house, I'm not really sure why, but I've been thinking about prettying it up lately. Maybe paving stones, maybe outdoor paint...I don't know yet. I don't want to spend a lot of money and I don't really have a plan. I guess I need to make some decisions about my priorities and get started before we have 4 feet of snow again. I do have a plan for today, I'm going to get some pretty flowers for the front door, my first action plan for this project. I'd like a perennial but annuals provide instant gratification...so many decisions!

"I love syphilis more than you"

An hour into my walk with the woof I remembered the coke I left in the freezer. On the one hand it freaked the hell out of me but on the other it made the walk back to the house a super fast power walk. Which I wrote like it's awesome, which it was from an exercise standpoint, but actually it kind of sucks when you have blisters all over your tootsies. My logic could be fuzzy here though because probably walking for two hours even at a slow pace isn't good for a blister. I'll have to google it. Anyway, the dog still needs a walk even when you're a moron...it's not his fault...but OW!

I fully deserve to have blisters all over my feet and the pain that goes along with it. I'd like to say that as proof that I realize any whining is just whining and not worthy of genuine sympathy. I was raised by an ex-nun so I have a unique view of suffering as an educational tool. I'm getting too old to still be learning these lessons, it's getting to be a boring pattern. I'm lazy and I'm always rushing and it's too much work to make sure I have all the things I need when I'm going somewhere. This is why I started packing for BlogHer last month but that's a whole other post.

I'm not allowed to do anything without a list and a time out now. I'm packing for our trip home and working through my list very carefully, otherwise I'd have a suitcase full of nothing but bandaids and advil.

"What, is it illegal to take a heart to the mall?"

Sometimes when I type my titles I find myself thinking about the woman at blogher who reads all these posts and chooses headlines for the ad content, and I weep for her struggles. And then I think probably she thinks I'm crazy and then I weep for me because that is a common problem I have, people thinking I'm crazy. I was pretty much deranged yesterday when I bought my fourth new pair of shoes in two weeks. It sounds awesome in a Bridgette Jones way to do so much shopping but actually I made a super huge mistake yesterday and that's why I needed the shoes.

I took my puppy for a walk and a bad thing happened. I was determined to get some quality acadia time in this summer so I thought "why wait?" and I loaded him up and we went to Jordan Pond since I know it now and I know how long it takes to walk. I called my client at the usual time only she didn't feel like doing much today and put me off for a few hours. "Hey, Yay!" I thought, I will walk my puppy all the way around this 5 mile pond in street shoes with a wedge heel! What an awesome friggin' idea! It turns out that those shoes might have been ok for a few miles of the east bank (but then maybe not, this is my logic we're talking about) but they suck for the north shore which is big ass rocks. The problems didn't become apparent until I was almost back at the lot and I didn't know how bad they were until I brought the puppy to daddy daycare.

Would you like to hear what I did to my feet? It's pretty awesome. It's going to be even awesomer and also gross. I have a perfect set of matching quarter size blisters underneath each big toe. There are others but I think there is something poetic about the symmetry of those two. The romeo and juiet of blisters. Even Matt was impressed, impressed enough to encourage me to go buy some flip flops for the afternoon walk I had scheduled to take with my client. The flip flops are pretty awesome, I can feel how they balance my pronation problem but that's totally not the point of this post. The point is, christ...what was I thinking? My list for necessary items for time in the park is now longer than I am tall and also I'm supposed to visit my family this weekend with my giant bulbous blistered hobbit feet. I think I'll just lay on the carpet and moan, that'll be quality time with the fam.

"skinned knees and chocolate cake"

There's this hiking trail that goes around Jordan Pond and Jordan Pond is famous for this restaurant that serves tea and popovers and I just assumed that the trail would be a tea drinking trail but instead it's an ass kicking trail. Perhaps not as ass kicking as the Ladder trail or the Perpendicular trail, both hiking trails with very literal names, but when you have to ferry old people over the granite drainage steps you kind of want to kill yourself. What do I say if I lose her in a pond? Who do you call for that? because I don't know. Anyway I wasn't prepared for this trail. Five years living next to Acadia and I know almost nothing about it, I'm an asshole officially.

I'm making an effort to rectify my lack of park knowledge, partly for my job and partly for my dog and I wish I could say I was doing it for self betterment but it's just not true. I get my ass kicked by the aarp crowd every week and it's getting old so I'm working on saving face. Last week I finally walked into cadillac mountain sports and bought some hiking clothes. I've been making due with old coats and sneakers and it's not working out. The boots I ordered a while ago and am working on breaking in, now I have a windbreaker and some light layerable fleece to add to my hiking paraphernalia. I always show up wearing the wrong thing, I forget how different the weather on the island is compared to where I live and really you need a windbreaker when you climb a mountain sitting on the ocean, you just do. I feel massive guilt whenever I buy anything and Matt just said "uhm, it's ok to buy a windbreaker". I never knew I needed so much validation...sheesh, I'm a mess.

Matt's been extra supportive of my wardrobe lately because recently one of his co-workers moved apartments and it took an entire day to move his girlfriends clothes. Apparently she had two closets, a rail, and three dressers. I feel enormously better about my clothes to space ratio now. I have a dresser and a closet thingy and I still find myself looking at shirts in the back and going "this, I don't remember this?", how could you ever keep track of three closets without a personal assistant? Matt said she has all her skinny clothes still. The fact that he knows that completely throws me, these men had a conversation at work about a girlfriend's skinny clothes...I just can't get my brain around it.

"We come from a long line of army deserters and nasty alcoholics"

So, my client thinks I'm a recovering alcoholic. She has a bit of dementia and a bent to the dramatic and told me twice today that I am an alcoholic. I wish I could remember the word she used but I guess I blocked it out. She is, if not an alcoholic herself, a dedicated drinker which is fine if you're 84. She can't drive, she can't see, she might as well drink wine. She very often offers me wine because she doesn't like to drink alone and because she has dementia we have this conversation A LOT. A. I don't drink and secondly I'm technically working and no I don't want any wine. At first she kept saying that I don't have a taste for it but would also often say "don't you have just a little with dinner?" and is always appalled when I say no. Perhaps not appalled. I think she feels guilty about being a drinker and wants to think that everyone else is a drinker too to make herself feel better.

My job in theory is very easy but in practice can be really difficult. It's hard having the same conversation over and over again especially when she tells me how lucky my mother is to be dead rather than unable to drive and read like her. I think my mother would prefer to be as healthy as my client is and to have reached her age but then it doesn't work like that does it. I tried to be the perky "you have so much let's make the most of it!" person but it's like pushing a rock up a hill. I feel like it's a waste of our time together to be indoors having these conversations but then it's not my money.

We spend a lot of time talking about the Alzheimers she doesn't have, the balance and vision that would improve if she stuck to gingerale and the British resident of the home who reminds her of Hyacinth Bucket but has always been kind to me. Another topic we hit often is the sexual urges of my animals. She's fascinated by this and I don't know how to make it stop. Animals have an urge to reproduce not just to get laid for laying's sake, but she simply can't tell the difference. This is what happens when you are raised catholic...your husband dies and you're left asking your caretaker to discuss the sex lives of castrated dogs, hysterectomied cats and baby chick chicks she doesn't even have yet.

I'm feeling particularly uncharitable today which happens when I have to work too many days in a row. I don't come up for air until friday so wish me luck and for the cat to get my tongue before I get myself fired. Actually, she likes me a lot and I know she does and most of the time I like her a lot too but some times like when she wants the marshes drained because they're too wet, when she points out fat people to call them slobs, when she talks about the homeless shelter residents as the dregs or when she speaks about the single parent students she had in New York and says "none of them knew who papa was" it really pisses me off. Everyday we pass a quarry right near her apartment and today she called it a mess and before I could stop myself I said "well, you're the one who moved here, that quarry's been there forever" and she didn't say a word. I'm not sure what that means or what I think I'm trying to accomplish by getting snarky with an 84 year old woman. I guess I just need a day off.

"fritos have a calming effect on a woman"

Dudes, I seriously wish I was being candid camera'd today at the grocery store. That was the most luscious and green cart of food I've ever pushed around the store. Must be something about summer busting out all over here today. My car smelled delicious too because I stopped at the nursery and picked up a basil plant and tomatoes and green peppers. Did I mention that Matt had started about a zillion seedlings in March? Well he did and they're almost all dead now. If this were the Oregon Trail we'd be moments from our pixellated deaths. As it is we have the money to buy pre-grown seedlings so that's what we did. It was pretty awesome as far as shopping goes, I almost ended up with an entire car full of perennials. I didn't know I craved flowers so much...I guess all this pine is finally getting to me.

My big winter project was to fill up the freezer and now I'm working on emptying it. Summer is for fresh food after all. Frankly I'm sort of tired of the stockpile. I don't forget a lot of things but I just found some pasta wheels that I could swear I never bought. Also, white chocolate chips...what the hell did I buy them for...I CAN'T REMEMBER and I can't think what I had intended to do with them. I found a cake recipe to use them with but I really don't need a cake. Life is tricky.

To no one's surprise

"I'm not sure I should give bullets to a woman with a pimple."

I almost just left Rebecca a two page comment so I guess that's where I'll start. I find myself lately to be a weightloss blogger who hasn't lost any weight in, uhm, I guess about two years. I've pretty much maintained my size 12 and though my body is always changing I haven't lost any more weight. I can't say that I really care. I'd like to, I really really would but if I did I'd be sucking down slimfast and joining a gym and whatever else it is that people who really want to be skinny do. Maybe get a tapeworm. My real goal lately has been to find exercise that I enjoy that doesn't hurt my body, a diet that makes me feel good physically and emotionally and in general to live a healthy balance.

The priorities in my life have shifted so much recently that I find myself juggling a lot of things and "me" is pretty much always at the bottom of that pile. I'm trying to reinvest in myself a little lately, particularly with food because I've been feeling like crap. I don't want to feel like crap so I have to try harder. This week I'm trying something new, salads for lunch and omelets for breakfast. I'm trying to automate two meals a day to keep up some kind of routine. My client is almost never hungry and when she is she likes to eat out and I'm still trying to get a handle on that because I'm sure it's part of why I feel so awful. I try to order just a salad but she gets a little crazy when I do but I'm just going to have to stand my ground because otherwise my stomach is hiring a hitman.

Exercise, actually I'm getting a ton. Part of my job is walking and part of my home obligations are walking so on the days that we do some extra special hard labor or I get some matwork in I'm already ahead on exercise. I definitely don't think about it the way I used to, MUST EXERCISE OR WILL DIE FAT. I try to do everything now to feel better, although the Tracy Anderson mat is all about vanity but it's still working my arms in new ways and building up endurance. Horrible, horrible endurance. She says when it starts to get easy you aren't doing it right...I'm sure she's going to retire to be a dominatrix. That's how I get through a session...imagining her in black spandex with a whip. Weightloss and health are just so personal.

"It's an insult to crap"

I didn't have to work today and I'm finding myself at a loss with what to do. Bills, dishes, so many choices. If it wasn't raining I'd saddle up the puppy and we'd walk some carriage roads. My client and I did the Day Mountain road yesterday and it was awesome. We walked about 4 miles and I think woof would have really liked it. Since I'm stuck inside I'm working on my house. The more I box up and move out the more I like it. I have entire box of crap cookbooks my dad offloaded on me. I'm an easy mark when it comes to cookbooks but seriously...most of them suck and I think one of them was written by a pedophile. I keep five books close to hand and three just in sight. Any more than that and they just collect dust, I guess I'm not the adventurous cook I thought.

In the way of cleaning house, I sold almost all of the shoes I had to sell and a lot of the rest of them really need to be trashed. There's one pair in particular that is ready for the trash but has taught me something important...how could I not have noticed I'm an under-pronator all this time? Under-pronation can lead to heel, foot, and KNEE pain. HELLO. Gosh I drive myself nuts, I never really tried to figure it out I just assumed I was fat and running was hard and that's why my knee hurts. I'm not saying it's the answer it's just something to pay attention to when buying shoes...and explains why I like my new stability hikers so much. I hate figuring out I'm a moron, such a bummer.

Also, I'm cleaning my closet of the 50* black skirts I collected during my career at the bank. I met an old customer at the market the other day and she said "oh, you've left the bank...you can have a life now" and by golly she's right. No more black, no more heels, I'm going to dress for fun and life now...I'm wicked excited about it. And if you have a need for swishy black skirts do let me know.


*no, not really.

"Begin to feel your feet"

I'm wearing my new Nike Free running shoes and I'm trying to follow their training instructions, they're VERY specific and mostly I don't understand them at all. These are the super light and floppy ones and they're supposed to build up the muscles in your feet and legs to prevent injury. I didn't choose them to build up the muscles in my feet, not that I mind, I just needed some very flexible shoes for Tracy's workout. Pilates doesn't need shoes so I'm not used to finding the right shoes to exercise in except for running. I like them a lot, they're so light and god knows when you're doing her insane leg reps you don't want heavy feet. I tried them once before and I liked them then I just couldn't see buying two pairs of exercise shoes at once. You're only supposed to wear them for a few hours at a time to start with, otherwise the shoe police come to get you.

In not so good for me news I made my first chocolate croissants yesterday from scratch. I should say that yesterday I baked them...I started them saturday. Bastards take forever. They came out pretty good actually. Probably not the best idea ever, much like the donuts. After that I have big plans for correcting my diet. Packing lunch to have with my client is working out very well. I have some work to do on dinners, mostly because I'm lazy. Every once in a while cooking two dinners is just too much to take and I end up snacking or having cereal. I know a real dinner is important and I've been a slacker and it's all my fault. Last week was particularly bad food wise what with the daily dinnertime manual labor getting in the way. It's sort of a shame, with all that work if I hadn't been eating cupcakes for dinner I'd probably have lost some pounds! Shame.

Bonfire of the vanities

I couldn't write yesterday because all my parts were broken. Planting the trees wasn't really that bad, it was sort of the icing on the cake of the ass kicking we've taken this week. We picked up the trees from Fedco yesterday morning and it's obviously a big year for gardening because we had to park two miles away and then I stood in line for an hour (Matt had to walk the potatoes to the car and back so I was the lucky one) and I would have appreciated the rest more if I had known how broken I would be by five pm. Everything was so beautiful I totally wanted to double our order, thank god I didn't...I'd have been planting all night if I had. The trees we planted are so pretty and I hope they all survive transplant, the apples we planted last year all have blooms so we have high hopes.

Meanwhile I have horrible hopes for my skin this summer. I've been outdoors and driving in peak sun hours more this year than any other summer in a long time. I've been doing a really good job with the sunscreen, applying and re-applying but OH MY GOD the pimples! I'm obsessed with taking care of my skin for the future but in the present it looks pretty bad and I'm wondering at what stage of my life is vanity more attractive. Perhaps I just need to switch cleansers. Which is probably the thing to do but OH NO because I have a cabinet full of the current stuff.

This is what happens when you coupon shop to the point of obsession, you can never switch products. I tried the brilliant brunette shampoo ages ago and I just loved it so now whenever I get a coupon I buy some...whether I need it or not. BAD IDEA because I tried that curly shampoo I had a sample of and I liked that even better but I'm saddled with a cupboard of brilliant brunette so I can't switch. This grates on my soul literally all day, every time I look in to the cabinet. If I start washing my hair twice a day just to use it up set up an intervention.

"Mostly you're kindof impossible."

Ugh, I have nothing of interest to say lately, we've been really busy up in the garden. I'm friggin' beat from all the manual labor and I haven't had an ounce of energy for exercise. Matt and I have been killing ourselves to get the holes dug for the fruit trees coming tomorrow. I moved two stacks of wood this morning and I'm beat and it's only 8:30. My work days have been filled with walking and hiking lately and my legs are killing me. In a good way but OW! I know it's good for me I just wish I could see a difference. Patience is a virtue, right?

It's probably good that I haven't had the energy or determination to push myself to exercise because I've had more injuries the last weeks than, uhm, ever. I twisted my ankle pretty well last week, not enough to stop walking because I had to but I felt it. Today I slipped coming back down the hill and sat on my own wrist. I don't really know how I managed that, it was pretty uncomfortable. It seems fine now but it's true that tired ouchy people have more accidents. You know what, I'm a moron. I was just going to type that I didn't start falling until we started working long hours but that's not true. I'm always tripping over myself, sliding in the snow and mud going up to the garden area. I guess it just hurts more when I hurt already. I think my brain is injured too.



As an unrelated note of interest I'm watching the last season of the Dead Zone and they're at a very fancy bus station in Bangor and they just mentioned service to Bar Harbor. Firstly, there ain't no busses that go to Bar Harbor and secondly, I've been to the bus station in Bangor and it's smaller than my bedroom and drowning in orange plastic. I appreciate their efforts though, totally worth complaining about.

"four out of five dead people smoked your brand"

I ate three cupcakes of the cupcakes I made for matt. Puppy ate one whole cupcake, and one top...sans frosting. At least he didn't eat the sugar. It's sort of a shame because I've been trying to watch the sugar lately. My blood sugar has been way out of control lately and I'm just trying to feel better. Eating the cupcakes was entirely my fault, I'm blaming the heat and the thunderstorm and the sunburn. It's not supposed to be 90 in maine in april. Or ever actually. It was way too hot and then we had a thunderstorm and somehow my chastity belt like sunblock allowed me to get burnt. It's not a terrible burn but bad enough to be uncomfortable and really, really tired. I need a parasol, made of flannel.

Banana cream whoopsie

A while back I passed a display of banana cream pudding with the bananas at the grocery store. I couldn't stop thinking about it...so I bought some a few weeks ago. I hadn't felt like making it yet so it's been sitting in the cupboard, waiting. Two days ago I bought some vanilla pudding mix to make Matt's mom's birthday present...exactly the way her mom used to make it. I was mixing it up today for her birthday tomorrow and funny enough, banana. Banana cream puffs. Which would be interesting if it wasn't supposed to be a specific dessert for a specific person. So, now I have cupcakes, cream puffs and two tiny banana cream pies in my fridge. Damnit.

"Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding."

I twisted my ankle yesterday and thank god because Tracy totally said I didn't have to work out if I was injured. WooHoo! No, it's not that bad, we're just having a rough few days here. No one's been sleeping, what with the hiss, growl, bark routine being perfected in the middle of the night. Yesterday I thought if I kept them awake all day they'd have to sleep all night. I prodded them every ten minutes but it still only bought us quiet for the hours of 9-2am. Sheesh.

My brain doesn't seem to be working lately, what with the sleep deprivation. The list of things I'm supposed to do today is treacherous. I have to bake cupcakes and cream puffs and I have to order shoes. I just finished that super hard task, the shoe ordering. It took 2 months to find winter boots so if I start looking for hiking shoes now I should have some by christmas. I'm doing a lot of hiking with the dog and with my client and since I turned my ankle just walking up to the garden it's not overdue to get the right boots. Matt thinks I'm just trying to fill up the spaces where the sold shoes had been...I sincerely hope that never happens.

"You were there, I remember you being there."

Puppy ate my wrinkle cream. I guess he's trying to hold on to his first blush of youth. I was using a sample packet I got with something else I don't even remember buying. I'm using it to try and fix a divot in my face. I'm assuming it was an acne, uhm, hole but it's starting to really look like a big ass wrinkle. You can't tell by the blog because of all the words but I make faces a lot. I'm a face maker. I do it all the time and I just can't stop. Mayqueen could tell you all about the faces I made when I got my tattoos but it's not just needles and ink that make me facey. I do it when I'm all alone, with friends, with the dog and definitely on the phone. I think my face muscles are independent of my nervous system, no other explanation. Anyway, I'm trying to prevent wearing my silly face for the rest of my life with cream, expensive ass cream. Ahem, expensive face cream...for posterity.

Regarding the news of other sample packets I have used lately, John Freida curly shampoo. It was very much like Shirley Temple with her finger in an electrical socket. I kind of loved it. Sample packets rule. I got a tiny tube of spf 90 with my much more moderate spf 70 sunscreen purchase. 90 is serious spfing. I expect wearing it will be like alaska when the sun doesn't come out for three months. Can't wait! I couldn't find a less spfy spf, not that I need one, it seemed like all they had was super human spfs. A hundred years ago I read that nothing more than 50 was effective but it seems like the people who make it didn't read that article. I'm expecting spf seven trillion next summer, maybe I should patent it.

"If you gain weight, you will die."

So, Tracy Anderson does this thing with her abs that I just don't get. Standing ab work, it's called. I've been doing it and feeling like a moron since I got the dvd. I know I'm not doing it right and I can't really figure out how I'm supposed to do it and when my no fat back guarantee falls through the cracks it'll be totally my own fault. I am however keeping up with the arm thing which is the worst and yet the most necessary. My shoulders are seriously killing me all the time, ALL THE TIME. I feel like it's a justified penance, probably the catholic school talking. I keep waiting to see my miraculous new arms but I guess I'll have to be patient...and maybe light a candle.

"I'm not disabled and neither are you."

I'm seriously happy with my breasts today. I'm feeling very woman power regarding my chest right now. I should buy new bras all the time, it's great for the morale. New bras and new jeans, selling off all my old stuff...I'm feeling very new and improved lately. I'm trying to improve my house too, I'm thinking about painting more rooms. When we moved in I only painted the one room because I'm lazy. Since we're going to be in the apartment for at least another year I feel like changing it up a little and I have the time, so I'm going to get unlazy on the painting. I started painting the door...uhm...last year and I haven't finished yet so I guess that's where I'll start. If I can't complete that I'd better not start the kitchen or we'll be living in an episode of extreme makeover forever.

What else...dude, I wish there was something going on to write about. Cooking, cleaning, ebaying...god I'm boring. I'm boring myself. I must have done 6 loads of laundry yesterday, that was my big accomplishment...LAUNDRY. Apparently we're dirty. I did all the curtains and sheets and all the towels that were covering puppy chewing hot spots, spring things like that. It sucks having a house, I realize now that I never appreciated my dorm room...so few things to wash...

"you shouldn't rob a bank without a plan, you shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan"

I went in to victoria's secret looking for a sports bra and came out with half a paycheck worth of underthings. I found one I like, I just tested it out on the trail and no bouncing, but I also found a few every day bras that kick the ass out of the every day bras I had before. Now I just have to toss out all the old ones. EVERY LAST ONE before it becomes a historic collection of bras that suck. Thanks to everyone for the advice on sports bras. I've been trying different bras almost since last summer and it was getting a little desperate.

It was a good weekend over all, we took a lot of walks with the woof but we also ate everything in the state of New Hampshire. My dad stocks a lot of food that I never buy and I always find it hard not to graze. There's a reason I don't buy snacks, I don't even want them when I'm home. I think it's a dad thing to have a house full of food and to give the children a full menu review every ten minutes or so. "There's cookies here and ice cream in the fridge", it wasn't even yummy food it was just there. So many things to work on...always.

"I think I'm goin' crazy every time I pass a vending machine."

Someone asked me recently how Matt was going to pay for his many domestic sins of late, telling me the truth about my hair...HELLO! Karma worked itself out because last night he asked me to give him a haircut. Heh. Not that I sabotaged it on purpose, or that he cared at all, it just looks a little weird. Not as crazy as the Billy Ray Cyrus meets Farrah Fawcett thing he had going on before, but I keep seeing hairs that I missed and it annoys me.

We were in a hurry because we're trying to pack for a very short visit home. Puppy needed a bath (which he is just so patient about, yay!) and dishes needed to be done and also the packing. I imagine traveling with a baby is supposed to be more work but it seems to me they have similar paraphernalia with the exception of clothes. We're taking every toy, snack, bed, and gate we can lay hands on so as not to cause too much trouble. He's really very good in other people's homes. He's really very good all the time but if he injures an inch of my dad's house we'll never hear the end of it so it's all hands on deck.

I'm going to search for a sports bra and I think the ladies in the comments are quite right about just finding something that works no matter what it's called. So wise. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try on bras until my arms fall off or my boyfriend dies of mall exhaustion. It's a very important mission.

Enell sports bra

Has anyone tried one? I decided recently, maybe because I work with an 84 year old woman who is fitter than I am, that I should make an effort to keep my body parts where they are. Matt readily agrees so I'm going to spend some dosh on bras. Let me know if you guys have any breast information to share!

"You failed extremely well."

Remember that girl who passed out in my office at my last job? And when I had to explain to my boss in vivid detail how I knew she was unconscious. Today my client passed out on me in her apartment. Actually, she had a seizure. A tiny little seizure she apparently gets every once in a while. And when I called the authorities that be they said "oh, that happens some times...don't worry about it". Imagine that? Instead of an afternoon full of lecture and insanity, they actually trusted me to do the right thing. Can you imagine? It's really very lovely.

As an extra point of goodness that is my work, I got three walks today. Of course one of them included shepherding two old people with walking sticks on a trail that was mostly washed out which none of us has ever walked before while being completely abandoned by the walk leaders. It was great! Getting lost in the woods with old people is a slice of heaven for the eldercare worker. I'm a little upset about it actually, the whole point of walking with a group is for the the camaraderie and the safety and to have the entire group frickin' leave before everyone gets back seems to be pretty unsafe to me. But maybe I'm sensitive. What do y'all think?

"I'm sweating like Whitney Houston going through customs!"

Woof was awesome today. He couldn't have been a more gentlemanly fur meeting my elderly friend. He snuggled and licked her face and then fell asleep on the carpet. Which I'm pretty sure means they're best friends now. However, I didn't get my hair cut which means I ruined my hair dying for nothing. I didn't think I'd done such a bad job, I shortened the time considering it was going to be washed out anyway so that I could do it again sooner and matt pointed out that it is in fact two colors. If he keeps it up I might start poisoning his food. Sheesh.

"Not bad for a dazzle dancer!"

I've started off today in a very bad no good way. You know that scene in legally blonde where she solves the murder with the rules of haircare? I just tried to dye my hair when I have a haircut this afternoon. If someone dies today my alibi is shot. Puppy and I have a big day today so it would be good if I wasn't arrested. I've been waiting more than a month to get the haircut and and I have a slew of other things to do. We're canning the maple syrup harvest tonight so I really have to get the kitchen in order. We're going to need every inch of counter and since it's going to be sticky sticky, there's a reason they cook it outdoors, so it's in my best interest to move everything elsewhere. I've canned a few things but I've never canned maple syrup so it ought to be interesting.

I have placed tracy in the dvd player and I can't put anything else in until it's complete. I got the warm up and the first leg section done yesterday but I'm forcing myself to start over today. It wouldn't really be in my interest to skip the warm up anyway. I have to admit that my muscles are still burning with basic everyday movements. She's not wrong about using muscles that you don't normally use. However, I can't say my weight or waist have changed any. I think my new work environment has had a big effect on that because we've done a lot of eating out these last weeks. So, I'm buying myself a food thermos. I really need to be eating my own food for all kinds of reasons and I think the thermos will help. That way I can whip out a warm lunch and she won't feel a need to order food for me and I won't be eating restaurant food so often. Money, calories, lots of good reasons to pack a lunch that I don't need to heat. I'm crossing my fingers it works as well as I think it will.

"One pie is like an appetizer to me, I eat that and I unleash the beast!"

I returned a pair of jeans to the Gap today and can I tell you about the hard time those folks have been giving me with returns lately. The last two times I've bought something online and returned it in store they've given me shit. Last time there was a cat hair on the pants and she said they'd have to damage them out. I offered to go buy a lint roller for the one cat hair and surprisingly she said no. This time she asked where the tags were. If you buy online from gap you'd know that you don't get tags. Sometimes you get a jeans tag on the back waist but usually there are no tags at all. AT ALL. And by the way I kept two of the three pairs which is like seeing Jesus in your breakfast toast as jeans shopping goes. If they would stock my jean size, not everyone can be tall enough to be a regular...seriously...we wouldn't have this problem. I could try clothes on in the store like a normal person and have good blog fodder dressing room trauma. Thieves are the Gap, thieves.

So, hey two pairs of jeans fit and I even like them. I was debating about keeping two pairs when I only really need one. Matt thought my but looked cute in both pairs and encouraged me to keep both. I had to explain to him the way things work and how when you buy two pairs of jeans that fit when you only need one you will inevitably lose just enough weight to make them look like shit and also waste the money you spent on expensive ass Gap jeans. And therefor you have to start all over again with more money and more jeans to cry over. On the other hand, if I kept only one pair I'd be sporting the same poundage through next summer and I'd wear out the one pair and find myself in exactly the same place I was two months ago with no friggin jeans to wear. Pretty much he said keep them if you want to and don't worry about the money. Pretty much either way I'm forking out more money for clothes and I'm thinking nudity is highly underrated. Wearing clothes you like is just too emotionally trying, I'm worn out with it.

"I've already been injured once this month!"

I totally didn't do the tracy video yesterday so you can all yell at me in the comments. I got home late and even though I spent the morning washing dishes my boyfriend asked me if I washed any dishes when I got home. So I had to beat him up and that makes a girl tired. He's the one making all the dishes dirty boiling sap for maple syrup so it's NOT MY FAULT that all of our dishes are in the sink or that my soup pot is covered in woodburn. I made that up, I don't know what it's called when your boyfriend uses your best cooking pots on an outdoor wood fire and they all turn black, maybe treason. When all the sap is boiled he'll be the one washing dishes until the cows come home, or until they're actually made of metal again...whatever comes first.

"No. I'm a rebel. You're an idiot."

The muscle pain today is confusing because I didn't do any Tracy exercise yesterday. I felt a little painful last night and I wrote it off to a long day and then now, I'm thinking I need to get some serious stretching. You hurt if you do it and if you don't, that's hardly fair. I'm definitely going to do some work today. A lot of her exercises are things you can do while you're just hanging around. it's not in the "strategic muscle exhaustion" routine but I think it'll loosen up my muscles a little. My right shoulder in particular is killing me, which sucks because usually exercise makes it feel better.

I'm going to have to work pilates in to my routine because tracy's arm exercises are really awesome but I can't live with my shoulder acting up. You'd think it's just an arm and why do I need it anyway when I don't have a real job but seriously, arms are important. My boss lost her balance a little yesterday and grabbed my arm for support, which is essentially my job, and I thought it might rip right off. And it's not like you can tell an old lady to let go, you just have to ride it out. Yikes.

"and his hair was perfect.."

All of a sudden I have a lot of work to do. One of the people that worked with me quit, which is a relief, and now I have a buffet of hours to work. It's awesome for my savings account but I need to do a lot of planning. I've made rather a lot of commitments based on my previous schedule and now I have to uncommit to almost everything. I've had about 10 hair cut appointments these last few weeks and between my work and the hairdresser being in the hospital, I haven't been able to keep any of them. My hair is a mess.

I still have to do my tracy video today and I'm seriously dreading it. I really, really don't want to. It's the first time I've felt like I really didn't want to do it since I brought it home. I'm at that hard point in the day where you decide whether to take a day off from exercising and then it turns in to two years of sitting on the couch eating frosting. Probably one day of rest won't be the end of all calorie burning but I wonder at my will power. Make sure you all kick my ass if I don't get my tracy on tomorrow, seriously.

"advisably, soberly, and in the fear of god"

That ugly purse has gone up to 15 dollars and I find myself feeling much more positive about all those questions this morning. And also puppy and I went for a long walk/jog and oh my god that tracy anderson! Can I tell you about my ass, is that too personal? because it's burning. Not in an ointment sort of way but in an oh my god those exercises really do work sort of way. She advises you not to do any exercise but hers, because her method is meant to create the tiniest body possible and other exercises "bulk" but I don't really care about that so we went for a jog but if I had realized the pain factor I might have rethought. Also, I think she found a way to work the muscles way below the abs and the jog must have used them too because WHOA, and also DAMN. It feels like my uterus did sit ups which is way more bizarre to experience than it is to read, if that's possible. I'm so glad I have a blog because writing that in a journal just wouldn't be as fulfilling.

"I didn't order any vampires."

I can't believe I am awake at 4:30 on a monday morning answering ebay buyer questions about a purse that has so far raised the princely sum of 1.29. I would have thought perhaps a bid could reach even two whole dollars before I have to measure every single seam but I would have been wrong. Very wrong. And also, there are only eleven hours left. Folks had 7 whole days to ask me to list the various parts of this purse that are leather. Leather trim means leather trim, the trim parts are leather...it might even be fake leather...evil!...for 1.29 I just don't care what the zipper pulls are made of. I'm sure I'd have been happier to answer these questions last week, god I hate auctions.

I totally feel better now. And I'm totally feeling the tracy anderson burn. I routinely cook with cast iron and yesterday I couldn't lift the pan. I've only done the video three times and I can't quite do it all at once yet. I have to take a rest break between legs, arms, arms, and crunches or I simply can't muster the will to live. I do find her attitude helpful. Before the arm section(s), which is/are the absolute worst she says "you might think you can't do this but you can and you must" and it's not that I think she is the be all, end all of trainers but she doesn't have a wishy washy attitude about it. You have to work to get results and you can do everything she does it just hurts. It's about will power and determination and pain and I think that's a pretty fair view of weight loss. If it were easy we wouldn't be here whining about our bodies. It's work and if you're willing to do it all you get results, I think that's a very healthy way to look at things. I have clearly been unwilling to work very hard, uhm, this last year and there's no room for that...not if I ever want to stop being a whiner. I'm definitely going to keep up with this dvd because I've never felt my arms this sore, sore in places I didn't know I had. I can already feel a difference in the muscles under my arms and it's only been three times. Just think if I didn't have to sit and cry between sets!!!

"Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy."

It's very seriously raining today and Knox and I have been stuck inside all day. We both need exercise but funny enough Knox doesn't feel like doing that tracy anderson dvd with me. Shocking. It's just too wet outside to walk, falling on your ass in mud is funny the first 5 times and then it starts to get old. It's not so much the falling and the bruising, it's the laundry. I spend all day washing mud off clothes, floors, puppies. Spring is a very dirty season.

The ebay sales are finally coming to an end. I couldn't be more relieved. It's actually very interesting to see what people like. Obviously I liked all the things I'm selling because I chose and bought them but some things have fallen farther out of favor and I'll be so glad when the acid green tommy bag is gone even if it is only sold for $1.04. In the way of things that will eventually go on ebay I just tried on yet more jeans. One pair fits very well and one pair will be totally awesome in about 5 pounds. Famous last words. I'd better keep the receipt!

Ok, seriously, tracy anderson is a masochist...a tiny, tiny masochist

Dudes, I didn't even use the weights...three pounds, two pounds, I'm talking no pounds here and I died. I actually died. All the famous people who do her routine say "I hurt in places I didn't know existed" and seriously, dude, I only finished ten minutes ago and I'm bro with a capital KEN. Tomorrow I might need a full body amputation. Or a pound of advil. It's a toss up.

Everything was completely do-able even if I did want to kill myself while doing it. Sometimes I look at the things I'm supposed to do for Ana and I think "no, no, no one can do that" but this I can do. I don't want to do it EVER AGAIN but I will and I'll report back, for the good of the people. But wow, wow, wow, she's a seriously hardcore little pixie person. Honest though, about twenty times during the routine she says "this really kills" or "your arm should be really hurting right now" which I appreciate. I hate it when the instructor is all happy and fluffy and perky while you're in your living room chewing at your wrists trying to draw blood. I hate perky when I'm trying not to die, I guess I'm particular that way.

"Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place."

I just decided that I hate ebay. This waiting for days and days to find out if someone will or will not decide to bid on an item sucks. I'm not a patient girl apparently. I just want these things gone but it seems I want to get some money too, I'm so complicated. The thought that one more day might help me get rid of two bridesmaid's dresses is almost intoxicating. Closet space is like a drug to me right now. I'm "this" close to filling a u haul for goodwill with everything but pet food and calling it good. I feel like this about every two weeks lately, it must be some kind of minimalist phase.

On the other hand, the hand where I keep buying stuff, I just got my tracy anderson video. I always like to do a dry run first, so I know what I'm getting in to, and it looks ok. It looks really good actually. The arm section looks to be about half an hour of holding your arms up but nothing looks actually impossible, just painful. It's mostly standing and working with a chair, the mat work is leg work and is only 15 or 20 minutes. I'm psyched about not needing a mat for most of it because matwork is a pain in the rear with the dog loose and when I confine him the whimpering wears on my concentration. A love as true as ours can be so hard.

Anyway, I'm going to actually try the video this afternoon. I still have about 7 million hours of cleaning to do and a puppy to walk but I'm going to make it a priority. Prioritizing is the word of the day around here from now on. I spent about 5 hours yesterday working on a present for the boyfriends brother's girlfriends child and probably that wasn't the best way to spend my time. Not five hours of it anyway. Next time I'm buying a barbie and calling it good because FIVE hours of my time is worth more than a five dollar toy. And since I spent 30 dollars on the video I need to put a lot of hours into it. It'll be good for me. Hopefully.

"stone cold munchin'"

I am feeling very productive today because a. I finally did my taxes and b. I got all my shoes listed on ebay. I'm now working on bags, I had no idea I had so many purses in storage. They're everywhere. Seriously. They must be reproducing. Which would be awesome, anne klein hobo meets coach wristlet...how cool would that be? Wow, I digress. No, I think you can only digress when you actually have something to say. I have nothing to say so I should probably embrace the digressions, or post pictures.

Happy early Easter!

"That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp."

Matt says we don't need a humidifier. Not even if it's hello kitty shaped. Which is ridiculous because my sinus' are like the desert. I've been hovering over the boiling teapot to try and fix myself, which is way less adorable than hello kitty but my pores are amazing! We're still covered in snow and it was actually raining this morning and yet, dry. Frustrating. I think I have some sort of lazy girl cold because I met my friend this morning to climb blue hill mountain (hehehe) and we only made it like...an 1/8 of the way. There was snow...and we were cold...and the woof would seriously not move his furry feet because apparently LOTS of dogs have spent a penny on that mountain. Baby woof, by the way is celebrating his 43rd pound and is not yet six months old, I'm so proud!

Tomorrow, we're celebrating an anniversary and it's crazy hard to decide what to do. We go out, you know, never so there's a lot of pressure on the decision about what to do. Also we have no money so that's prohibiting. We were going to go to a movie but they all appear to suck so that's off. We're down to bowling and uno at the kitchen table. We'll probably use all the money we budgeted on dinner so it might all work out, dessert! I had planned on making something, which I always do, but it's nice to sometimes have food you didn't cook yourself. I think a nice dinner could make up for playing jenga and watching smokey and the bandit instead of seeing a sucky movie in the theatre.

I'm also hoping for the arrival of my next shipment of inadequate jeans. The last emergency airlift of jeans was awful. The size 14 pair which I was secretly sure would fit because I'm so fat TOTALLY DIDN'T FIT, they were way too big which is good except the 12's were a little too tight. It was distressing. I'm hoping the next ones work out better, but not too much better because hot jeans are expensive. I'm crossing my fingers for one pair, which I will then wear in to the ground and be pissed about in a year but whatever, momma needs a new pair of jeans.