10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

project skinny

i just realized that i didn't do the scale thing this morning. it's customary for me to torture myself with daily numbers, i guess it slipped my mind this morning. i was all busy getting dressed. it's always hard to get dressed after watching project runway but lately my clothes situation bites. i'm at this stage where all of my clothes make me look fatter than i am. all of my walking and stepping has indeed eradicated my ass and it's not the promised land i was hoping for. now i'm just a chubby girl with no ass. getting what you ask for doesn't always make you happy.

and that's why i'm back to the drawing board and taking another look at diets. exercising day and night rocks, and i love it and i'm glad i got to know what my body can do, it's just not enough to give me what i want. i think the hardest part is getting to a place of contentment. i'm closer than i've ever been, but still not there. so i'm setting a ten pound goal. since i lost ten with the south beach thing, i'm going back there. two weeks starting monday. or as soon as it takes me to eat the market's worth of organic yogurt i bought this week (on-sale). waste not, want not.

Monday, September 25, 2006

black and white

the worst thing you can ever do is eat cheesecake at 9 am and then go to the anthropologie website. cruel and unusual. i didn't have to order dessert at all last night, the culminating meal of my dad's visit, but you don't go to the restaurant with 14 home-made desserts and not get something. it wouldn't be right. the whole weekend made me realize that i am an idiot, i do care about losing a few more pounds, and we hardly ever order dessert. i wish that i was one of those people who ate cake from dusk till dawn because it would be easier to pinpoint the problem areas in my diet.

god help me i'm considering south beach again. i look longingly back at the dedication i had then. i have been lucky to keep it off. but not dedicated. it's been months since i've had a consistent loss and it depresses me. you can only celebrate and console over the same 5 pounds for so long. and then your head explodes. tragic.

if i start today do i have to count the cheesecake?

Friday, September 22, 2006

"how big is the anchor?"

today we've had earthquakes, the qe2 and adorable elderly british ladies learning to use an atm. somedays i like my job.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

the chocolate barn

my idea for a bakery and chocolate shop was so good, someone else used it. they have a bad location though. suckers. i'll still stop in and buy something, just to see what they did. it doesn't bother me that much, because i really wasn't ready. it's just the day late dollar short thing is getting old. none of my shiny new job possibilities panned out but hey, atleast i didn't spend 30 plus hours in labor. there's always a silver lining. the baby and mom are fine, but damn was that an ordeal. too many hours. we'll get a nice puppy. it'll be great.

i've been off the wagon for awhile, but i haven't gained any weight. that's a plus. i did however make macaroni and cheese the other day so it's probably a matter of time. i haven't made macaroni and cheese since january when i started this whole healthy food thing. you'll be shocked to know that a meal based on white pasta and cheese isn't all that healthy. the 1/4 cup of onions just doesn't pull it's weight in the vegetable arena. there are things i could do to make it healthier, but i think anything you cook bi-annually you might as well enjoy.

i've been slacking. i haven't planned a meal for months, and i got too lazy for the daily salad production. lazy, lazy, lazy. but i've kept up my exercise. hell, i even like it. it's the only thing standing between me and accelerated fatness. i do feel less inspired lately. less inspired to watch my snacking and make sure dinner is full of vegetables every night. it just doesn't seem all that important lately. maybe it would if i were getting fatter. but since i'm not i guess i'm getting complacent. ofcourse i know if i prepared a salad for lunch every day and served lean protein with vegetables for dinner i'd be a lot skinnier right now. and then i'd have to do it for the rest of my life. maybe i'm just not up for the commitment.

i'm getting more and more happy with what i have and less focused on what i want. i can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing. part of me still wants to reach for that limited skirt. not being able to wear the things i want to is the biggest factor right now. i'm just not sure how bad i want it. enough to change a few things, sure. whether it will be enough i'll have to wait and see.

Monday, September 18, 2006

accidental wisdom

the best way to avoid eating a tray of cookies all by yourself is to burn them. it's almost foolproof. until you start picking out the bits of chocolate that survived the fire. wisdom with limits maybe.

my co-worker with the errant breast tissue is having her baby today. i think i'm spending more time routing birth news than working. it's nice to be busy in a good way.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

"you think if i pee first that skirt will fit me?"

i know better than to google things like "weird bump". it turns an innocuous bump into any number of flesh curdling diseases. the worst is when the prognosis for your bump has a list of symptoms so general that you start thinking "yes, i did have a headache the other day...and gee, i do experience frequent urination". you know what, if you drink 2 liters of water a day, as we're told to, you're going to urinate with frequency. and since i horrified myself a few months ago googling the eye thing, i try to convince my friends to avoid it. but we have a lot of spare time and when you're pregnant you want to know why your arm is all swollen and bumpy.

we didn't get much love out of google. all the bump diseases seemed pretty unlikely. and then she went to see her doctor and found out what it was. and, wow, it was so much worse than google. not dangerous, but icky in a way i didn't conceive of. the baby belly is pushing her breast tissue in to her arms. IN TO HER ARMS. the doctor isn't worried, apparently this is common with larger breasted women. holyshit. if i didn't want to have a baby before i really don't want to have one now.

so, my co-worker isn't too worried about the breast tissue in her arm. she has lived her whole life knowing that sooner or later she will have to get a reduction. i'm on the cusp of this. i always believed that if i lost weight and kept it off, they'd shrink too. enough so that i wouldn't have to have surgery. it's the surgery i want to avoid, not smaller breasts. i hate the idea of surgery. thinking about it for any length of time makes me pass out. in the words of kirsten wolle, i'm the softest cookie.

now it seems i'm trading fat for muscle and there is no change in this one department. i'm torn between being grateful for a slow loss preventing the extra skin problem and worrying that they're never going to get smaller. i really don't want to have to go under the knife unless it's necessary. like a tumor kind of necessary. but i can't stop thinking about it lately. except for all the pain and bills and work time lost, it would be amazing to wake up one day a few cup sizes down. it's probably easier to cut out some calories but if i get to be skinny everywhere else and i'm still this size, hell yeah i'm taking some action. is it sad that the thought of being able to buy a button down shirt makes me weepy?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

what happened to the other half of the chicken? oh, yeah, me.

four hours ago i watched a lady from new jersey park in the 15 minute section in front of the post office, she still doesn't have a ticket. this speaks to the genius of jersey because they must know that the parking police don't bother with the 5 spaces of 15 minute parking in the vast sea of two hour parking offenders. i think in new jersey you must be born with indemnity over the mortal sordidness of parking issues. a gift at birth.

speaking of gifts at birth, i watched the first season of project runway last night. two years late. that's how hip i am to that jive. it's still fun though, even though i know jay wins. it still makes me want to sew. and more importantly, to exercise. i spent most of the first disc on my stepper and the second on my bike. you can't watch that many hours of heidi klum and not want to learn how to exercise in your sleep.

it's less good to watch that show and then go to a job interview because 1) you're outfit has no style or innovation and was poorly executed and B. you're waiting to hear someone with a german lilt say you're out! the number one reason i don't have tv is to protect myself from unnecessary paranoia. i used to think that law and order was the impetus. when i had tv i always thought someone was going to break into my house. why? to steal my pink depression ware? please. so it's nice now to have a genuine worry, my ever failing fashion choices.

clothes have been more trouble than usual for me lately. i'm having way too many naked banker moments. but it could be more existential crisis than fat. it's getting harder to tell the difference lately because, uhm, i'm skinnier and i'm not happier and according to everything we see and hear everyday it's the emotional equivalent of saying the earth is flat. my ass is smaller and i'm still dejected. what the fuck?

and did you notice the "i'm a dictionary with the fancy words" thing i have going on today, it's to remind myself that sometimes i can craft this language. just not this morning. but the english, i do speak it. uhm. sometimes.

Monday, September 11, 2006

circle, slash, cows

i knew there was something i meant to write about but i got busy burning the memory out of my brain with a laser. LARD. in my jiffy cornbread mix. not that people on "diets" should be making and eating cornbread anyway. but, i was on vacation. and it has corn in it. a genuine vegetable. i was reading the ingredients so i can make the healthful concoction myself and the third ingredient is LARD. and the fourth is partially hydrogenated lard. not one, but two kinds of lard because one does of lard just isn't enough.

how it took me so many years to read the ingredients, i don't know. so i spent the afternoon complaining to the cat about the lard and then threw out the perfectly innocent cornbread i just made. and then matt came home and i complained to him. that's when i remembered i had another box of the stuff and made to throw that away too. that's when matt took the box and scratched out the lards and wrote "no cows" on the ingredient label. i saved the box, but the mix went to his mom. you won't be surprised to know it took another hour for me to realize that the pie crust mix i buy is also jiffy. and, wait for it, also contains lard.

lard, the hidden menace. i hate full disclosure labels, i'd be so much happier not knowing i've been eating lard all my life and loving it.

oooh, tastes like maine!

i've returned from vacation. no pounds lost. very few pounds gained. negligible, hardly noticeable, very tiny pounds. there's some job stuff going on, which i'll elaborate on when i know, but it might be really cool. my week was extremely low key, and i didn't leave the state. i'm not calling it lazy, i'm calling it relaxing. i needed to re-group and i did. and i cleaned. i spent most of the week throwing away relics from my youth. there's no room for my sixth grade show program. there just isn't. so it wasn't a very exciting vacation, but necessary if i ever want to move and fit my life in matt's apartment.

because all i did was read paperbacks and nap, i don't have much to report. i almost joined a gym but i got distracted. by the new job possibility. suck to join a gym in bar harbor and work in ellsworth and live near bangor. i don't see me driving half an hour to use the treadmill. i think the word is silly. next week things should be clear in all concerned departments. it'll make a nice change.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


ooooh, bummer. i officially can no longer upload photos at the library. it seems they must have had some trouble because all you can do now is check your email. i'm not ever sure you can write word documents. god damn tourists. i had like a whole post written at home for easy installation. it had capitals. and it was funny. fucking hilarious. but you'll have to take my word for it because i can't open the damn file. you know i wouldn't lie to you.

to sum up that post in two words, size 14. jeans, gap. no ass. size 14. brilliant.

you'll see how long i can stand queing for my tax payer rights by how many posts i get in this week. i really need to break down and get dial up. how bourgeois. (pretend i spelled that right, as a favor.)

i hope everyone has a great week!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Live Nude Bankers!

have you ever had a day when you just couldn't get dressed? when you have no idea who bought all those horrible clothes in your closet and it sure as hell wasn't you because wow, everything sucks. it took me 30 minutes to find a set of clothes that didn't make me want to weep. that's a lot of off stage changes. my room is a damn mess. i ended up dressing more for a day at the beach than a respectable banker. but it's friday and i'm on vacation next week. vive la beach. who says flip flops aren't conservative?