10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, December 31, 2007

"like the Russian Secret Police if they were really into shoes"

I can't believe I'm one of those women who owns a craft and wrap copyright of rubbermaid. And you know, it doesn't even fit 4 of the rolls of paper I bought because they're too long. I love wrapping, I really do, but I don't have of the room for that crap and yet it seems feeble beyond reckoning to return 4 dollars and 700 square feet of wrapping paper. Matt was very whatever makes you happy about it all. Which is great but sometimes I wish my wrapping paper buying habits gave him the same spriritual grief they give me. I wonder if he wonders what it would be like to live with someone less neurotic.

It might be because all I've consumed today is soda and half a lemon yogurt but everything around me is very irksome. The customers who walk in and say "beautiful sunny day huh?" when in fact it's snowing like a bastard and someone decided that since it's almost a holiday they don't have to plow the damn roads, they're irksome. The FBI agent on Big Love with the extra horrible Boston accent. She sounded like a sheep. Why didn't they just say she was from Philly? What are Polygamists to Boston? I don't get it and frankly it made me mad that the same producers who dazzled me with the care of detail to have westerners put whole lobsters in tupperware would have such a terrible fake ass Boston accent on their show. Passed irksome heading toward aargh. And also bits of my cellphone keep falling off. Which just isn't right.

Clearly I'm a cranky sick person who spent her whole weekend under a blanket with netflix. It's one of the many things that's not as satisfying in practice. I like being able to do the grocery shopping and cook nice food and, you know, get off the couch if I want to. I suppose the real beauty in watching tv all weekend is when you have the option to do something else and you choose not to. It's great that tomorrow is a holiday because I feel ripped off of my weekend and surely if I'm feeling better tomorrow and I have to scrub a toilet I'll be really pissed off about it. I can't be pleased. Good thing Matt brought me unsolicited Haagen Dasz or this whole New Years thing would be a bust.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

It was the fever

I didn't get the stomach virus, I got the killer cold instead. With a sore throat so atleast I can't swallow and that's a plus. I blame the fact that I bought 7 rolls of 75% off christmas wrapping paper on the fever. 7 rolls, that had to be fever induced. What am I going to do with all that paper? If I stop taking the Advil I might think that's a good idea again. I also bought myself a tape measure finally. 'Course, now I can't find my previous and very much screwed up measurements but it gives me a place to start for 08 that isn't scale based. Which would be good, I think. Non-scale is good. Still not exercising is bad but then coming up the stairs is winding me. I'm so tired of being sick, I actually want to get better so I can do pilates. My back is killing me and I'm sure that's the difference...it's been ages since I've got my mat out and I miss it. That and swallowing.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Brought to my attention

Apparently it's not very nice to laugh until tears after your boyfriend narrowly escapes a Mack truck death but I can't seem to help myself. They call it hysteria for a reason. And there didn't happen to be a Mack truck coming down the road, or even a Hyundai, so really it wasn't so bad. Should I tell the whole story, I guess I sort of have to.

Going back David Copperfield style, we have this driveway. It goes up a mountain. It's not terribly long, not miles long, maybe a quarter mile. There's a wicked steep part, then a turn, then an ehh not that steep part. Until this weekend it's been packed snow, perfectly manageable packed snow. Then it rained. Apparently "rain" + "packed snow" = "oh my god that's a lot of ice". We got home from home on wednesday and Matt was very sick and since we made it up the driveway even with the "oh my god that's a lot of ice" we didn't go fetch sand. Then yesterday it snowed again. "Snow" + "oh my god that's a lot of ice" = "you will never make it to your house".

It was slippery beyond slippery, it was slick to the power of six gazillion. The car made it to the top of the big hill. This is traditionally where Matt takes over and I hot foot it to the house so he doesn't run me over going a million miles up the hill. Only last night I fell on my ass and couldn't get back up. I thought I was going to get run over but I got lucky and Matt got the car stuck in a snowbank (in my opinion better than sliding down the driveway into traffic but he was pretty mad). I was all happy not to be run over but I still couldn't get vertical. It was like when you wash your hamster cage and you put the hamster in the sink and they try and try and try and can't climb up the porcelain. I proceeded to crawl on hands and knees to the garage with very little success. Matt, with more four letter dialogue than I've ever heard before, proceeded to fall on his ass in the perfect middle of the driveway so that when he started to get up...he slid down the entire driveway on his knees.

He landed in the road and if there had been a car there he'd be dead. He still got up the driveway and to the garage faster than I did with my hamster crawl, a testament to his rage if anything. We had to pull the car out with the plow truck and made it safely, though sideways, down the hill this morning. He's decided that he needs to carry a claw hammer in his pocket and that also the car needs chains. I'm going to have the most hardcore luxury sedan on earth with snow tires, chains, and a hundred pounds of sand in the trunk. That's the story of Matt and the Hello Kitty band-aid.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Multimedia message

Hello casualty. This is what happens to a man who slides down the driveway on all fours.

Why can't I have the debilitating stomach virus?

Christmas was great, even with the puking. I, personally, would rather clean up sick kids than listen to people fight so I'm calling Christmas '07 a success. Matt, who was the girls' best friend all weekend and thus was violently ill last night, might not agree. It seems unfair, cruel even, that the skinniest person got the bug. I wanted that virus, it would've made my December goal. It's very upsetting to me and there's simply no sympathy for my plight. It's all "hand me a bucket, move the cat so I don't puke on her." SELFISH!

Technically, Christmas wasn't a big gain. I actually lost a pound but not a real pound, you know what I mean. We were too busy to eat like fools and there really wasn't anything I was dying to have, but I didn't do a lick of exercise. Tonight I have to grocery shop and tomorrow is dinner at a friends'. I've no idea when life will return to normal, I'm shoooting for Monday. We're not huge on New Years so unless we get an invite from said friends, we'll be hanging out and catching up with things and putting a roof on Matt's brothers' house. The house that was supposed to be done, oh, last summer. It's a kerfluffle and I really hope we don't do our house in the sort of stages where you have to shovel the living room before building the roof.

I feel like I've been gone ages but the time went very quickly. I wasn't ready for Christmas and now I feel like it hasn't happened. I got a lot of money for my computer that has gone to other bills which makes me feel like a lot of time has passed with little progress. And on so many fronts. I have to remind myself that everything is fine. Things happen slowly and I have to remember that December isn't the best time to lose all the weight you meant to lose the previous 12 months or to buy yourself expensive things and pay all your bills at the same time. I haven't had to go up in clothing size, I have been able to pay every single bill and with plenty of room even though I was a dumbass and bought myself a gaggle of dvd's I didn't need.

If I can't afford a new computer this month it's because I spent my money on other stuff and next month I need to remember that corrollary. Also, it's stupid to pin your year's weightloss success on the last two weeks of the last month of the year. What were you doing since last January eh? If you were a slacker 11 months of the year it might not be December's fault that you didn't hit your goal. I'm trying to be a realist. Optomism is really great and all but I'm finding it hard to face the fact that I meant to be done by now and I'm not. How many years do I want to face that reality come New Years?

If I make a goal to really be done by next year is that more or less credible than last year's goal? I know I have more tools and more money and more guilt this year, is that enough? Do I want it more than last year? How do you measure such a thing? If it's measured by success I guess I didn't want it so bad. It sort of reminds me of art classes in college. You can work really hard and produce lots and lots of work, but if it's not good in the end you still get a c for your efforts. That could be taken as a cop out, if you're not good enough just give up and be an accountant. I've always believed that anyone can do anything if they practice long enough. Anyone can learn to cook, or draw and paint but you have to work hard and you have to be willing to change and try things, experiment. I have to be willing to experiement and work harder if I really want skinny as a goal. If I don't really want that, if I don't really want to work that hard forever...I have to be willing to accept that. I can't keep saying I want this and then do something in opposition to making it happen. It's not good for me.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

In a Public Forum

IKEA on Christmas Eve day was awesome. Not a soul was there. We parked so close with the children we didn't lose a single one before we got there. It was so perfect we thought we might see the virgin weeping in our swedish meatballs. My sister was right and we were all wrong to think it would suck and on this very special day I apologize for the week's worth of mocking I did in anticipation. Amen. Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Every time

Home, eating chocolate, going to IKEA this afternoon with my sister and three children. Expect to return ragged and in pieces and still eating chocolate. Merry Christmas Eve All!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Putting the D in Disorder since 1980

I am in the camp of unbelievers. I can't seem to wrap my head around this Christmas in five minutes thing. It's just crazy. My boss and I have been discussing it and it makes no sense that we don't feel Christmassy because there's snow and cold and music and boxes of chocolate as big as antelopes. Ehh, maybe this weekend. We have Christmas on Saturday with Matt's family and I'm most excited about what the womenfolk will think of my wrapping. I'm an ocd present wrapper at the best of times but Christmas is like the olympics of wrapping and I WANT gold. At Matt's company Yankee Swap two people said our gift was beautiful and that was pretty much the highlight of my evening. It was a good dry run because all of the gifts I wrap have to match, same paper/same ribbon or a pre-approved theme. Now I know that this years wrapping will make middle-aged women swoon and that box didn't *even* have the personalized Christmas bauble gift tag.

It should be obvious after my ode to wrapping paper that I'm bored to the core today. Apparently most people don't want to bank the friday before Christmas but they do want to bring us cookies and chocolate, and more cookies and more chocolate. We almost scored a Siam Orchid Gift Certificate but Hatsana is on vacation, rats! It's always interesting this time of year assessing what gifts we can and cannot accept. Being that we handle money and loans we aren't supposed to accept any gifts at all, ever. Are we gonna tell old ladies to take their gingerbread men bribes home? no, that would just be mean. Do we have to tell the gentleman who wanted to give us cash that no, we can't accept that? yes. It's a shame you can't tip your banker in cash and keep the moral high ground, it's just a shame.

I'm off home on Sunday to return on Thursday probably. Unless I contract a tape worm (fingers crossed) there is absolutely no way I will make my 170 at the end of December. Alas, not weighing 180 at the end of December is my new goal. I'm nothing if not flexible.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Starving with the hungry

That title didn't seem to weird in me head but I'm going with it because damn, I'm too hungry to think of something else. I can't seem to decide what to have for lunch because my plans, you see, are all for weeks that are not this week so I guess I can't eat again until January. If I add some raunchy juice I can call it a cleanse and make a million dollars off the concept. The concept of indecisive starvation. I have to go the the grocery store shortly, that's going to be interesting.

Nope, actually, it wasn't interesting. I guess there's only so much you can pull out of buying bay leaves and lemon extract. Atleast I didn't come home with 50 bags of Milanos. I do have to bake cookies tonight but ones I don't like, Spritz, but which are apparently Matt's favorites. So he won't mind eating them all. I'm pleased to see that my weight has gone down a little bit every day and also that my pants are roomy again. Roomy pants are awesome because I am a hundred years old and I need to fit my long underwear under my dress clothes. One of the times Sarah visited me during the winter it was extra cold, in the negatives every single day and I got my hand stuck to a metal doorknob a la she described it as survival panic inducing. It's like that now, about a month early. 9 is not enough degrees, not for December anyway. I keep trying to put a positive spin on it, cold burns calories. We'll see how that goes when it's March and it's still 9 degrees.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

"Can you vague that up for me?"

Ok, when I was fat. That was the note I made for myself for a post. Yeah, great, I have no idea where I was going with that. It's maybe a little broad. There are so many things I could say about when I was fatter like I had no idea what I really looked like and I still don't, I had no idea how to take care of my body exercising and stretching, I had no idea what was an ok treat and what was a continuing nutritional problem. I'm going to roll with that last one because it's part of my current project.

Every once in a while I pop into Spark and see what my calories and protein and fiber all look like, it's educational. I don't go every day and maybe I should but sometimes when I'm there I check out their menus. I almost always look at them and think no way, no way could I do that. Yesterday I printed it out, a week's worth actually, to see what I could do with it. It's set to be 1200-1500 calories and most of the days look like too much food to me. I've been thinking about that and I don't think I was under-eating calories all this time, I just wasn't eating the right calories.

Take last night for instance, we're having a sort of a brownie overstock problem at our house so I've been feeding them to Matt four at a time. I was heating one up for a sundae for him and I remember the last time I made brownies I made myself a lot of sundaes. It didn't make me fatter so I sort of let it go like it was ok. Eating 1000 good calories and a brownie sundae or a cookie or whatever maybe isn't the best way to go. I think I let myself get comfortable. Using the Spark menus makes me a little uncomfortable but I don't think doing it for a week will kill me. I think it will be good for me to plan satiating meals at regular intervals as much as I've liked intuitive eating in the past. Intuitively eating cake and brownies wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I want to think it was great fun to eat like that but actually it sucked so maybe doing the thing I think will suck will rock and I'll be a changed woman after that week.

The thing is which week? I'm working out the kinks and substitutions this week. I went all around my house writing down calories and fat and protein for the products and foods I actually eat, putting in the organic yogurt for the Yoplait and the like. Some of the things I can implement now like throwing half a cup of chickpeas in my salad, that's easy. Next week being Christmas I think it might be too difficult to do all of these things at my dad's, I'll just have to do my own best thing. That leaves the week of New Years to actually give it a whirl. The dread week of resolutions yet to sour.

I always think I don't like structure but the truth is that it's never not worked for me and when did having a plan and sticking to it become an unworthy goal? I'm feeling all rutty so it's time to do something different. Actually do it instead of just saying I will. I always keep a little notebook with me so I can write myself indecipherable notes for blogs posts. I think I'll make a list every day of meals, exercise, errands and see how things really look at the end. If anal is how I need to be to get'r done then that's what I should be.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I didn't eat it, I'm just pissed off about it.

I didn't buy any Valentine's day candy, I only binge in season. I'm just apalled that it's out already. I get pushing up Halloween candy sales, I hate it but I get it...there's a long way between pushing Easter candy and Halloween candy. A vast expanse of time with no socially compulsory colored tinfoil themed displays of raw gluttony. To push the candy schlepping a season forward at Christmas seems to make no sense. People are so pre-occupied with red and green I want to know who Hershey's thinks is going to buy Valentines candy in December.

I have had no candy for, uhh, well since whenever I said I was stopping. Except for the teaspoon of sugar in my tea I've been clean. I still don't feel completely better yet but I'm down two pounds. I did Ana Caban's most demanding workout and some kickboxing and it was a pretty good weekend overall. At the moment I'm working up a plan to get sweaty every night and fit in my Christmas baking which I might nix all together. Does the world really need more cookies? Does my kitchen?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

No, no, no, no, no,no

Last night, Rite Aid, Valentine's Day Candy. Not good.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Yay for Friday

I'm so excited it's friday, I scarce have words. I'm having this magic faith in the new beginning thing starting this weekend. I'm so tired of this week and feeling all over the place. Is it the food, the commitments, the wow I hope I have a job next month...I guess there's more on my plate than I thought and I need to pay attention to that. Slow down and be present, if that's not too much of a cliche.

Four days of being a moron and now I feel like I have to re-learn everything. I'm not even frustrated I'm just tired. I think I might be too tired to tackle any of the things that will come this month and lose the 4 pounds that I gained in four days of not even eating that badly at all. I keep thinking "wow, I didn't eat enough to be this fat" but I did, I really did. When you arrange your life to eat few calories and burn many and then you two slices of cake a day for two days, well, then you have a lot of extra calories. Unless you exercise another five hours or something there's just no-where for those calories to go. It's not like I didn't know that, it's just that for two days I didn't care and now I have more work to do than I thought. All of my other transgressions pale by comparison making me think that a little extra cake wouldn't be so bad. A lot of extra cake though, apparently that's a problem. Fox news article in ten, nine...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Only Fox news

A list of "healthy" foods that aren't so "healthy". I have always hated Fox news and now I hate them even more. Organic foods aren't healthy because potato chips can be organic. And tuna with mayo, like that's the only way to eat tuna and health conscious person would automatically drown their chicken of the sea in hellmans. But pizza, please, putting pizza on a list of healthy foods is just beyond all reckoning. You know you're dealing with American media asshats when pizza gets on a list of healthy foods.

"Okay, when I'm marveling at the immaturity, be scared."

All right, I'm over it. Whatever was making me queen of the sugar with yet more sugar on top is officially gone. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I never ever want to eat cake again, or cookies or fudge or whatever. I guess I'm glad I got it out of my system so early because I'm perfectly happy now to go on to Christmas sans treats. That's how bad I feel. When things are good you don't always appreciate how good they are, good becomes the status quo and you take it for granted. And then when you crash it kicks your ass. I'm making myself a commitment to lay off the sugar (literal sugar, not carbs as a whole) until atleast after Christmas. I don't want to be the person who eats badly and feels bad and then spends their whole life on their ass because they don't feel good enough to exercise.

Per the above, I'm going to plan my ass into subservience for the rest of the month. I'm working on my meal plan right now, for this weekend and next week. I can't remember the last time I put that down on paper. Granted, until this weekend, everything was fine. I feel like it's extra important to have a plan and the right food to execute it so nothing goes awry. I really want to remember how crap I feel so the next time I think I don't need to worry about moderation I tell myself to shut up.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And so it begins...

We got three boxes of candy today, a bag of homemade cookies and a tin of fudge. It's only December 12. I had a cookie, I had a piece of fudge and I'm the one who opened the Whitman's sampler. Their candy isn't even that great. This week has been sort of a mess for it to only be wednesday. Must pack giant salad for lunch, eat a breakfast that does not consist of cake and stop thinking that I have to get my share of gift food. It's just stupid to pine over that stuff, anything you really need you can get. I suppose the upside is that I've completely forgotten about doritos.

Oprah made me do it

The purchase of the Angel set is weighing on my mind. Funny how whenever I feel like this I just want to write "petty bitch" on my forehead and have done. I've cancelled and re-ordered it once already today because I am a maniac. It's not exactly that I can't afford it, it's just not a planned purchase and clearly not necessary to my life function. I'm uneasy about it as I always am when I buy something because it's cheap. It's not like "hey, there's this thing and it's cheap now, buy it" I'm clearly a dedicated fan. It's been in my amazon cart for ahwhile, waiting and lonely and steadily getting cheaper. I'm all "Should I wait, will it be cheaper next week?" probably, yes and then my brain will explode.

In order to distract myself I've been playing with the Oprah Debt Diet today, particularly interesting is the shopping section. One of the psychologists on the site recommends keeping a card in your wallet to remind you to ask yourself whether you really need something. If you clicked through you'll see they are really good questions, helpful above and beyond whether or not I should re-cancel my David Boreanaz fix.

But, back to those questions:

Why am I here?
How do I feel?
Do I need this?
What if I wait?
How will I pay for it?
Where will I put it?

With the possible exception of the last two (although where will I put it could work) they're really great weightloss questions. The other day I had the most bizarre craving for doritos. I've never been a dorito person, not particularly. Oh, I'd eat them if they were around but I wouldn't go out of my way. I almost bought some, a tiny one serving bag of no consequence. Doritos of no consequence. Carbs covered in cheese and salt and god knows what and I regard it like breathing air. I went through a process just like above and I decided that I didn't need them, I didn't even really want them and if I decide I do...they only sell them everywhere.

That process is working less well with my birthday cake. It's the best cake ever and half a slice is more than enough. Which means I'm going to be eating this cake till the end of days and yet I couldn't bring myself to take it to work. I'm having a ridiculous kindergartener "mine mine mine" episode over it. I know I'm going to regret keeping the whole thing and/or having to throw it out because I don't want to share. It's weird because normally I can't wait to give away the things I make for other people. I wonder if all bakers are this insane over things they didn't have to bake for themselves or only the lucky ones with issues as complex as mine.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"If you havent noticed, my right boob is way up here in Maine and my left boob is danglin' down here in Florida."

Not much is happening in the weight department. Except fat. Massive amounts of fat are happening. But, whatever. That is so what happens when you go home and eat a lot and then bring back half a platter of baklava and then eat all that too. I took yesterday off and got my self and my house together. Especially the refrigerator. I don't even remember making baked ziti, that's how bad it was. Now it's full of vegetables and soy milk and yummy stuff like that. I discovered yesterday that although it was my birthday and I was all "do whatever you want, it's your damn birthday" I didn't want to eat anything stupid or spend a lot of money or anything I normally refrain from. I knew I was cooking dinner so I considered buying lunch out but I just wasn't that interested. It was so good to feel on track like that, like I could get a pizza but ehh I just don't want it enough and that's fine.

I did buy myself some earrings while I finished up my Christmas shopping, fifteen whole dollars spent on myself. I was feeling very proud of buying myself a tiny treat that wasn't food and won't be outgrown until just now when I ordered the Angel box set. Amazon keeps lowering the price and I gave in while I bought the new Harry Potter movie and a build your own robot for my nephew. I guess it wasn't as chaste a birthday as I thought. Absolutely must kick box through all five seasons.

In other things I've bought with varying amounts of regret I give you Nivea Firming Lotion. I've been testing it out for a few weeks and so far I'm disappointed in the lack of miracles. I bought it in case it was awesome and I needed to be moisturizing anyway what with the winter. It might still be miraculous but I feel a million years old using firming moisturizer. I read the whole bottle and they seem to be marketing it to the older set instead of the fatter set and somehow I'd prefer to be fat than old. I compared it to the Dove and I think next time I'll try theirs with the "tested on real curves" pledge. I have the feeling neither will give me the perfect skin that will only come with patience and exercise, I just feel like I'm trying harder using the special lotion. Putting my best dollar forward, if you will. I'll keep y'all updated, if there's a miracle lotion to be had I don't want to be greedy.

Monday, December 10, 2007

"You're an inspiration to us all"

Today I'm quoting my dad, who was not praising me. The family cat has lost a ton of weight and daddy couldn't be more proud. My sister got me a baby ipod for my birthday and now I'm trying to figure it out. Wish me luck.

Friday, December 07, 2007

"On a scale of 1 to 10, it sucked"

My day sort of sucks. The least annoying part is that the scale was 173 this morning. That's the part that pisses me off least. Grumpy Mcgrumpanator, am I. I have a little link action for you though. There's a wee discussion on a friend of mine's page about whether or not Snow White is the fat Disney Princess. Born in 1937 she's the oldest of the princesses and drawn in a time with very different ideals, short hair and fair skin. Do you think she's chubby too?

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

It pays to lose weight, heh.

Check me and my two posts in one day. I check Slate every week for Dear Prudence, no namby pamby advice in that column. Today I have a lot of time to kill so I wandered around and found this, the story of an Italian Mayor paying his neighbors to lose weight. It's a really interesting article about behavior above and beyond the government cash incentive to lose weight and keep it off.

The most interesting part to me was when they discuss how addicts see the future. According to the article, a non-addict when asked to think about the future thinks a few years ahead and an addict thinks only a few weeks. That was the part that went clicketty click in my brain. Somedays I can look ahead and be happy with what will come if I work hard and take care of myself, other days I can't see past the next snack. I think it might be helpful to identify that behavior as part of an addiction, rather than loss of willpower.

The article also discusses how helpful financial incentives are to people trying to lose weight or quit smoking. It makes me think of all the folks out there with a defined set of goals and rewards. I never had the money to do that, not really. I had to buy new clothes as the old ones fell off but I never had something really decadent like a massage for ten pounds lost. I sometimes wonder if I should have done something like that, if I would have been more focused. They go on to say that eventually cash rewards are usurped by physical rewards like not being winded going up flight of stairs. The author contends that those type of rewards are, in the long run, the things that keep people on track. I have to agree. Health, in the end, is it's own reward.

It's a reward for our employers and our insurance companies too. My employer offers cash for fitness products and gym fees which in the end save them money caring for healthier employees. To that end they also offer cash rewards for choosing high deductible health plans and participating in health programs. I know I'm always going on about the high deductible health plan like it's made of gold. Living in a country without national healthcare you have to be savvy, atleast as savvy as the businesses providing you healthcare and insurance. I think our government could learn a lot from that chubby Italian mayor and private business, if you put money into preventative care you save in the long run. That's what I tell myself when I don't want to shell out 5 more cents for organic produce, it's a small price to pay for a healthier future.

"You can put your arms down when you get to school" or winter exercise for your inner child

I wish I knew exactly how many calories shoveling burned because we had two and a half feet yesterday. I'm trying to be all pro-active about it because you can't get better incidental exercise than shoveling heavy wet snow. I might clean up my paths a bit tonight to get some more muscle burn. And then build a snow fort. There's SO much snow SO early that I just have this need to be one with the snowball army. I know I can take Matt, I didn't study battle strategy for four years for nothing.

I'm pretty excited about the snow this year. Last year it pissed me off because it meant I couldn't run anymore but now I can't run anyway so I might as well shovel. I was just thinking that I need to find ways to be inspired to exercise inside because of the cold but hello! I had forgotten about snowball fights. And sledding. Nothing like dragging a hunk of wood up a snow covered hill for cardio.

I'm all positive thoughts and sunbeams today. I even have to hit the grocery store later and I'm not annoyed about it. Wooh! Buying lettuce and shoveling and pants falling down all make me happy. I must have been replaced by a robot in the night. Obvious. No other explanation.

I hope the robotics stick around because I have to make a bakery's worth of goods for tomorrow's party and I need to not eat it all. Or any of it. Despite popular belief, cupcakes aren't necessary to maintain life. Unlike chocolate.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

"It's my favorite of all my current bruises."

With all the new shiny snow outside I have to find exercise that inspires me that I can do inside. There is a very special something about watching Buffy while practicing your kickboxing. There's an innate ROARness to it. The faint notion that if you kicked and boxed for every second of all seven seasons you might end up with Sarah Michelle Gellar's body. Faint, I said, very faint. It gives me hope though. Maybe if I added the five seasons of Angel it would be a bit more solid.

I'm not so thrilled with the upward mobility of my scale numbers at the moment, 169. It's not a good way to start a month full of eating when I want to end no more than 170. We have an open house at work this week and it occurs to me now that I should have volunteered to bring salad instead of cupcakes. If you pretend to want to be a baker though it's better to actually bake stuff and make people wax rhapsodic about your frosting rather than make salad. It's also, you know, completely up to me what and how much of something I eat. I can test a cupcake. I can also cut it up and test a small piece instead of a whole. I can also pack a salad for lunch so I'm not tempted to eat 37 cookies for a mid-day meal. There are plenty of things I can do to keep myself on track if I choose to plan and think ahead. In addition to exercising like crazy.

I am dedicating December to things I can do, instead of things I can't. I can't be Sarah Michelle Gellar by January 26th but I can make choices I'm happy with. That sounds so lame. I already re-wrote this post after publishing because UGH I just feel pathetic all over. I did some scale math adding five pounds to all of last years weights and goals and I just can't figure it out to my satisfaction. Last year today I posted 175 which I now know to be 180. At that point I thought I had 20 pounds to lose, 155 brings me to the top of healthy for my height. Now I'm 169 and I guess that means that I have 14 pounds to lose to be a healthy BMI. I know that in fact those numbers are all screwed up and I actually lost 11 pounds and not 6 but it still pisses me off. I have this fear that I'm always going to be the person whining about those last 10 pounds only it will be 20 and therefor twice as annoying. I can't seem to help being annoyed by the numbers today, especially as I had to return some comically small size ten jeans to the Gap last weekend. The original pair still fit as they always have but it still makes me feel like a fat ass that those had to go back. Fat ass, can't help it. What a statement to sum up exactly how I don't want to feel about myself.

Monday, December 03, 2007

"God, using candy for evil!"

I ate a literal ton of chocolate yesterday and two bowls of fruity pebbles pretty much because my head hurt. It still hurt this morning but it's slowly dwindled. I've decided it's Matt's fault and that maybe he was accidentally poisoning us with his welding and the new storm windows. The good thing about drafts is that they bring in itty bitty amounts of oxygen. When you seal them up, it is warmer, but also a bit carbon monoxidier. Not only could it kill us and all, I could gain a pound from all that pathetic "my head hurts" snacking. Geez.

Apart from being poisoned, it was a very low-key weekend. Cleaning and shopping and another vow to not go to the mall again until january. We'll see how that goes. And now it's snowing. I found my winter stuff just in time. When they cancel school the week before the storm you think to yourself "maybe I should find my boots...and my hat". I found them after almost minutes of looking. I also found a few more bags that didn't get donated in the last big clean up. A few as in like five. I wouldn't think of myself as a purse person but all the evidence to the contrary will be seeing goodwill next weekend.

When I was a kid I used to hate having a December birthday because you always get Christmas crap for your birthday, or one present conveniently between them. What can I say, I was a greedy kid. I'm terrified of it now because there will be an influx of stuff in my house this month. I love my dad, but I do not need more cat pajamas. It's the worst because you can't give away the crazy gifts your family give you, you have to keep them forever and then get buried with them. I'm so glad that Matt and I don't do Christmas gifts because his brain would explode if he had to give me two gifts in one month and in the end it would just be more stuff in my house.