10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

grouchy mcgrouchenstien

I live at the corner of no and where and you'd think I'd be more adjusted to dealing without power but yesterday just sucked. On a normal day I don't get that much done and there's guilt and feeling lazy but yesterday it got all compounded and I spent the whole day running down batteries on my phone and computer and reading and I just felt like I was pulsating frustrated energy. It was cold and wet out so we could only walk so much, the dogs were pretty great about it actually considering how grrry I felt all day. There was this whole thing with the generator and his family and who deserves to have a cold fridge and a warm house more and I've never been so relieved to have the power come back on. It was only 24 hours and it still feels like I should be filling containers with water and preparing for the lights to go out.

This morning I woke up to a very disturbing dream about my client who isn't my client anymore and hasn't been for ages. It was very lifelike and it reminded me so much of how she used to make me feel and Yikes! It was not a good feeling and it reminds me of what I meant to post about the other day when my pre-thirties on set dementia kicked in. I am not making the most of my time at home. I'm not enjoying it even a little. I'm so freaking stressed out about money that I consider a day fully lived as one in which I get all the dishes done before Matt gets home from work. I'm home with my sewing machine and my dogs and paint and god knows what else. We could be going out every day to do things that don't cost any money but I can't get my brain screwed on right. I'm not trying at all to get out from under this cloud and it has to be over right now. I can't take another minute.

I had this thought the other day like "gee, if I get that job I won't have any more free time!" well shit then, stop being a mopey moper and do something with your damn time! If it were that easy to talk yourself out of a depression then well we wouldn't need doctors and medication but to recognize things suck and to do nothing when you're capable is just stupid. If washing the dishes was good therapy, well I can't think of an analogy bad enough for thinking washing the dishes is salvation because there isn't one because that's ridiculous. Fuck the dishes, get out of the house and live you moron! I'm writing that on my wall with a big damn sharpie and if Matt complains he's going to have to make his own turkey pot pies because this amy is officially on the edge!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Not having power and water sucks and I never ever want to be a pioneer amy again.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"She's terse. I can be terse."

This morning I was getting ready to leave the house, a monumental occasion in itself, and I had this great idea for a post and I didn't write it down because it was such a good idea there was no way I could possibly forget it. Now I have no idea what that idea was, something to do with AGE and oncoming DEMENTIA probably. Anyway, yesterday after the dead hand incident I was a little frustrated and I called Matt and he suggested I leave the house. I haven't left the house except for very specific errands for a month. I'm terrified of spending money so it's better for my psyche if I stay in the house except eventually that makes you crazy too.

As it happens I have an important job interview coming up so today I took myself to Marshalls and TJ Maxx to look for very cheap but totally awesome interview clothes. A long time ago I stopped going to bargain stores because I always buy more than I intend and things I don't need and I don't have the space even if I did have the money so I just don't go. Today I bought very cheap green tea with lemon, strawberry preserves, belgian chocolate for 2 dollars a bar! and a bunch of cute but maybe not appropriate interview clothes. This is why I'm not allowed to leave the house, I bought chocolate and clothes that are very adorable but mostly not office job ready so I guess I have to go back to the drawing board.

The whole thing has inspired me to do a bit of shopping in my closet and I'm finding a lot of things I had completely forgotten about. I found a cashmere sweater that will work with a pair of pants I bought today and a lot of tops that are better than some of the ones I brought home. I'm torn on the suit issue. Probably I should suck it up and buy a suit no matter how ridiculous I feel in it, that's probably the sensible thing to do but I just don't know. I have a feeling this is a casual/laid back kind of office judging by the phone call I received where the interviewer made a joke about being "psycho" but then maybe that's a sign to run far far away. Maybe I just don't want to buy a suit because they make me feel like a fraud and look 700. There are many beautiful women who look astonishing in suits but I just don't and it takes a toll on my nerves. I've been going to interviews lately in a skirt/sweater/boots combination that I really feel great in but alas I haven't gotten either of those jobs. Sigh.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The crypt keeper's diet

This morning Jolie found a porcupine hand and I learned something important about snowshoeing. What is that? Well, it turns out you can't catch a dog on snowshoes no matter how fast you are. There is no zigging and zagging on snowshoes, it was tragic. I trailed her and her cold dead hand all the way back to the house where I lured them in with cheese and eventually got the hand. It was all so GROSS that I ran right to the shower while the dogs finished up the rest of the cheese so not only did I get extra exercise chasing corpse bits I also lost two week's worth of cheese so I'll have a low fat diet. I should lose ten pounds this week.

I was really pumped to go snowshoeing this morning and I wondered why I stopped going every single day and then I got back after the hand adventure and everything hurts. In a good way but I really felt like when I was chasing the grave robber that I was 200 hundred years old and I wasn't going to make it back to the house. The snow looked so soft and comfy and if I didn't think the hand chewer would come cuddle me I would've taken a nap.

Monday, February 22, 2010

the olympics two weeks too late

I guess technically it's not too late to be excited about the olympics but seriously I just realized I could watch it online. They also have this great stuff at the store, bread that's sliced and everything. Sometimes I really amaze myself. I spent three hours watching pairs figure skating before I realized I could also fast forward. Yikes. Right now I'm wishing I took more than one snowboarding lesson. I'm also wishing there was somewhere nearby to board but ski mountains are so far from here. Matt's building a road up the mountain next year though so that could work out. I wonder if I could talk him into a half pipe?

I guess it could be worse because at least I haven't spent the day eating. The olympic mania really inspired our second snowshoe trek and it was really awesome and now everything hurts. I imagine the cowbells and the clapping and it's awesome.

Friday, February 19, 2010

"This does not look good for our heroine"

If I had to go to a real meeting and weigh in I couldn't lie like I imagine myself doing when I have to enter my weight on weight watcher's.com. There's really no point in lying to a website you pay for and yet the desire is always there. I'm up one pound which hardly seems worth lying about except that I feel so much pressure to be down a pound and I know I haven't been "working the program" this week. Matt wanted waffles one day this week and there was batter left over and I couldn't bring myself to just chuck it when things are so tight. I spread it out over two days but it was still a five point breakfast when I didn't need a five point breakfast and half a waffle isn't that filling so it just starts the day off badly. Twice. Yesterday I painted my bathroom and my arms are falling off so I'm hoping my muscles are waterlogged but not only that when Matt asked if I wanted anything from the store I asked for a dove candy bar. I don't know why! I have never asked him to bring me chocolate ever, I'm possessed or something...probably I should start going to church and start saving up holy water for my exorcism.

I think maybe reading the want ads is driving me insane. This week's paper has three jobs and a guy looking for chest freezers. What is he going to do with all those chest freezers, eh? There's a crime novel just waiting to be written there, but no jobs to apply for. I wonder how much depression weighs?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"This must be what going mad feels like."

I can't believe fitbloggin' is so close, I can't even process it. There is so much going on in my head with budgeting and job searching that my brain is full and then every once in a while I see a tweet about the conference that wakes me up and it's like "wow, that's only a month away". So, wow, it's only a month away! I see the list of conference goers is getting longer and longer and I wonder if any of you folks are going that I don't know about? I was thinking of Baltimore this morning when it was snowing and now the snow has stopped and Damn you mid-atlantic for getting all the snow this year! We actually had mud yesterday, one shouldn't have to clean up muddy and snowy dog messes at the same time...there's a natural order of things that should be upheld here. I wonder if there will still be snow there in a month...the one big storm we had when I was in school there was a hot mess. The highways were awful and it occurred to no one to slow down, it was like a range rover sales lot got turned upside down.

So, I'm planning to drive to Baltimore and no one wants to drive with me, because I'm a leper. It hurts my feelings a little because I am an excellent driver and also I could totally use help with the gas money and not going crazy for 12 hours in a car by myself listening to my 90's dance mix. Seriously, I'm a catch. Baby road trips are great, you get all the fun parts without too much time to get road trip overload.

The other things I don't want to talk about are how I haven't lost any weight this week because I am a moron. Some days are just so hard for NO reason and you just have to pick up and keep going. Today I have painting planned which should keep me busy and out of the kitchen. Wish me luck for a better weigh in this week!

Friday, February 12, 2010

"Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."

Today I had an interview for a job for which one eventually gets a paycheck and to prepare for the very exciting event I set my hair on fire. I'm not sure exactly what is with me and my problems with open flame lately but it never gets old. Nothing like the smell of burnt hair to get you in the mood to charm and bamboozle a possibly employer into hiring you. Also, it's attractive...the singed look. It adds a little something.

Actually you can't tell the difference between the burnt side and the non-burnt side and maybe that means I need a haircut, or possibly a hat. I don't know exactly but it seems my ability to sabotage myself knows no bounds. To tell the truth the interview went very well and it's only a part time job so if I don't get it it's not the end of the world. The employer seems really great and I'm sure I could learn a lot from her, it was a positive experience either way it goes.

It's weigh in friday and I officially lost nothing. Better than gaining, must keep positive and I know I haven't been trying very hard. I'm happy with my exercise regime and even my arm muscles are feeling tighter and grrrrrier I've just been eating too much. I haven't been eating all my points (as in weeklies and activity) but I'm just not convinced more food is the way to go. Maybe I'm brainwashed. I'm very afraid that a) I will take eating all my points to mean eating cookies for all my points and b) that I'll never lose any more weight if I eat so much. I feel like I'm over eating now and I'm not eating all my allotted points so maybe I just have to let go this week and see what happens. I don't want to put my body on starvation alert and get to plateau I can't break so maybe maybe maybe I need to give it a try eating all the points and trying not to make them cookies and see what happens. It's possible I'm conditioned to see all eating as overeating and maybe that's something I need to work on with my at home interweb therapy program. Shame I can't watch Oprah..

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."

A while back I was getting my gloat on about how little sugar I needed to survive. Sort of like methadone. Only the last few days my theory has bit the dust because every time I have tea with sugar I feel ill. Sugar is trying to kill me and I don't like it, the whole thing is un-american. I guess slightly sweet tea is no longer my opiate of hunger and I'll have to start eating food or something. Speaking of which I bought a cantaloupe yesterday and I already sliced her up so there won't be any explosions this time around. It was a very motivating explosion. If I thought everything I didn't deal with in a timely matter would blow up I'd never have a to do list.

I've been using the slightly sweet tea to take me through mealtimes without needing a lot of snacks. I'm in this whole "it worked before!" mindset but seriously this isn't before and if before had gone so well there wouldn't be a before there would just be a skinny now with a different wardrobe. This is me letting go of "what worked before" because that was what, two years ago and things have changed a lot. It's really easy to lose weight when all you eat is pizza and dessert and you switch to yogurt. When you're eating yogurt and salad and you still need to lose weight things are different and also you're older and essentially I'm saying it's no good to whine about what used to work because that day is not today. I'm not making so much sense what with the nausea so bear with me while I try to convince myself to move forward instead of navel gazing the past.

In the present I haven't had to change my meals all that much, mostly I watch portions better and send all of matt's treats to work with him and it had been working. I had started looking at new foods and meals to get the things I need without adding points I don't need but most days I don't plan snacks. I see how many points I have after adding my planned meals and then I just eat whatever until I'm out of points. This is not a plan, just a series of reactions to situations and what I might have in the house. I definitely have the time and I'm working up the motivation (really wish something would explode) to plan my whole day and build a routine.

I had the most success in a routine environment where I couldn't get whatever I wanted whenever. My last year has been a little like that but also putting me into a lot of unsolicited food situations and had me driving past fast food twice a day which is really out of the norm for me. I can count on my hands the number of times I stopped but it's one of those things the more you do it the more it seems like the thing to do and I so don't need to go there. I'd do best locked in a room all day with a hole for a food tray, like solitary confinement. Makes me wonder why no one's invented the prison diet.

Monday, February 08, 2010

"Nobody deserves a mime."

Matt and I had a long weekend of physical labor and emotional anguish and today was really long. I know some people think we spoil our pets but if you wax rhapsodic about punching our dogs and you don't know why that's the wrong thing to do you're not my friend and you're not my family and I kind of don't want you in my house again ever. I've been fighting the grumps all day because that person was totally in my house all day long and ignoring someone like that only brings so much satisfaction. I did have a very good walk this morning with my very good doggies and it helped a lot. I've always liked to run when I was in a bad mood and it always helps, it's harder to get that same rush just from walking but you do feel pretty great when you get to the top of a trail and the sky is so blue. The crippling cold always brings the most beautiful clear blue skies, something to be thankful for when you're chipping the frost off your nose.

Today I received a dress I ordered a while back. It's from etsy and it's really adorable except that it's much too big. I love it because it's blue and it has pockets but seriously the sucker is huge. I can't return it so I might try taking it to a tailor unless anyone has any better ideas? I'd love to say I could alter it myself but I like to only screw up things I make for other people...I think the pressure would be too much. Part of me is thinking I should have known better than to order a dress online without trying it on but it was very cheap and is so unique I couldn't resist giving it a shot. C'est la vie.

Friday, February 05, 2010

"They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing."

So, apparently walking with poles has already been invented. There goes my fancy new career in inventorship because "nordic walking" already exists. Look, here's a website. And it has instructional videos incase walking with poles is too big a concept to grasp, maybe it's the gum chewing that's holding me back. On the interesting side the weight watchers website lists nordic walking as an exercise and I get a lot of points, points I didn't get when I called it "hiking" so now I feel even more virtuous, and also hungry. It amazes me that weight watchers has it on their exercise list when they don't have Mott's applesauce or Friendly's ice cream as food options. I thought it was a regional thing but they have every kind of Stonyfield yogurt known to man and that's made in New Hampshire from standoffish puritan new english cows so it's a big mystery to me.

That's all I had to say about that. I've been "nordic" walking for a wee while now so I have no idea how many activity points I've actually been earning. I adjusted yesterday's activity because I remember it well enough but now I'm sure I earned more than 63 activity points last week and I'm not sure what that means toward my results for the week. I've been hemming and hawing about how many activity points to eat because generally if I'm hungry I eat something so I don't feel like I haven't been eating enough. I definitely don't not eat something because I'll go over my points. I might eat something different (i.e. I really don't eat pudding all day every day) but I don't walk around feeling deprived because the points whisper in my ear. Guess we'll see what happens next week.

"That was real manly how you shrieked and all."

I guess I technically didn't lose "nothing" this week but it feels like nothing. I probably could have lost more if I got a haircut or used a loofah and still Weight Watchers has reduced my points. Do they do that when the current points fail to make a difference or when you lose x amount of weight or do they just re-evaluate every month? I'm confused because it feels anti-climatic. I guess it's good to re-evaluate and I have been sitting all week when I wasn't walking the dogs. I had placed myself as a stander because when I'm working I'm doing all the active house things for someone else's house but now that I'm not working I've spent a lot of time on my rear. For example the only thing I did besides paperwork yesterday was to cook pudding. And then I ate the pudding, twice actually, and now that I have fewer points I can only eat one pudding a day and dammit weight watchers THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

We're preparing for our hike and the temp has come up from zero to ten so I'm feeling pretty good about it. Zero was not enough degrees but ten I can live with and since it's only 8:30 it can only get better. The bonus about it being so cold out is that it's beautifully clear and sunny which is good for the mood as long as you have enough clothes on. The woofs and I are preparing to start our day with a beautiful walk and a smoothie and back to the paperwork saltmines. They tell me they have a nap scheduled because they always have a nap scheduled and if I'd known they spent so much time sleeping while I was at work I wouldn't have been harboring all of this guilt about leaving them.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

"If anyone gets nosy, you know, just... shoot 'em."

Lately I've been really worried about my impending financial ruin and it turns out that I don't have any money because I haven't made very much money this year. I'm working on my taxes and somehow the fact that I am financially insolvent had escaped my notice until just now. I actually feel better now that I see the actual numbers and have proof that I've been earning below the poverty line because before I thought I was just spending like a skinny blonde starlet (which I know I don't because whenever I look at my budget the only thing I have to cut is chocolate and that's not going to happen. I thought my records would show more positive things as in more money being made but if I had made more and had this little to show for it I'd probably be more upset and need more chocolate which we simply can't afford.

Enough of the overuse of italics, back to the exercising. Today I hiked with my snow shoeing poles which I did purely for the extra arm exercise and it worked out very well. My muscles feel nice and worked but not dead or dying so I think I'm going to keep it up. I don't need them as much as when I'm snow shoeing but it is helpful going up and down slippery hills so it's not just vanity that'll keep me using them all the time. My weight is hovering just under where it was last friday so if I'm extra careful today I might show a loss for tomorrow. As per above I'm very motivated to keep the losses coming because Weight Watchers ain't free and I can gain weight for nothing so uhm yeah gotta keep the losses coming.

I'm also thinking about how much it costs me to eat weight watchers style and where I can cut. First to go will be organics and fresh produce...which saddens me greatly. Unless I can sell lots and lots of things on ebay we'll definitely be changing how we eat around here. I've been getting a little slack with my grocery budget and that has to stop now. It's not all doom and gloom, I've found some wonderful bean recipes that are cheap and full of fiber and low in fat. Since I'm not working I have plenty of time to cook and budget and be really in tune to my meal plans and costs and be really anal about it. This is about to be the most exciting blog ever!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

"I don't have the energy to drag your lifeless body to the dumpster"

Jolie is currently fascinated by the computer screen. She's trying to get the letters as I type. This puppy is completely hilarious. Earlier I had a youtube video of puppies playing and she and knox both had their heads right to the speakers trying to figure out where the puppies were. I wish I had a video camera because I never want to forget the looks on their faces as they poked around the shelf...not here...what about over here...nope...hmmm. It is 4 degrees out and I'm procrastinating. I'm a big whiner and I'm tired of this single digit nonsense weather. I know it's maine and it's winter and I'm a fool to complain, I guess I am getting soft in my old age. My face is a mess from the extra cream, at least I think that's what it is. I'm torn because pimples are better than other kinds of skin damage but I also wonder if the extra cold just keeps pores locked up like maximum security. If I had the cash for a facial I'd go because I don't want to look like a pimply kid on the imaginary job interviews I have lined up. It's ironic that the time you really need to put money into your appearance to land a new job you can't because if you had the extra money you wouldn't need the job in the first place.

My weight is bouncing around a little higher than my last weigh in. I was all concerned about muscle water when hello it was all hormone related. I cease to amaze myself when it comes to not knowing my body at all. It's coming down slowly but I've had kind of a sloppy week of eating. I haven't actually gone over my points but I know exactly how many points are in a single pack of chips ahoy and I don't even like chips ahoy so that's where I am this week. I've been hitting the smoothies hard, which I'm really getting into even though it's freezing outside. I need one of those mulled smoothie recipes, microwave smoothies, hot toddy smoothies maybe. I'm making due with the cold ones till the hot ones catch up and I'm learning to wash the blender right that damn second because when I'm lazy about it the cleaning time expands exponentially. It only took me three weeks to learn that so I'm officially almost as smart as my dogs.

Ooh, it's five degrees now. Snowshoeing usually makes me very warm, except for my face, so I don't know why I'm being such a grouch about it today. I've only been going every other day instead of every day to give the muscles a little different exercise during the week. You'd think hiking and snowshoeing would use the same muscles but they amazingly don't, not all of them anyway. The arm muscles in particular don't get much exercise hiking unless you bring out the poles which is an option really, but it's important to rest. I started out feeling like I had to snowshoe every single day to get the most money out of the shoes I bought and the most exercise out of the winter like I wouldn't have opportunities to exercise in the summer. The way my mind works sometimes amazes me, I should really be on a compound in nebraska with a stockpile of rifles...I really missed my calling.

Monday, February 01, 2010

"I've already been injured once this month!"

It's 20 degrees now at 9 o'clock and I'm really excited about that because yesterday's high was 18 and that lasted only about ten seconds while we were snowshoeing up the mountain. Seriously, we went up the whole mountain on snowshoes and my rear was so cold when we got home it took over an hour to thaw out. So all of my parts are looking forward to a warmer show shoe trek today but especially my ass.

Yesterday at the market I bought more bananas because smoothies are a way of life now and I bought frozen strawberries also for those smoothies because raspberry seeds cause unpleasantness when added to a smoothie and brummel and brown yogurt spread because I'm finally trying to work butter out of my diet. I super hate the idea of eating processed fake things instead of a little less of the real things but butter just has so many points and it's not like I need it for survival. The yogurt spread will let me make a grilled cheese a little more point friendly and toast and since I don't eat those things all the time it seems like a small concession and also it's yogurt so where's the hate? Embracing change is my new motto as of three seconds ago.

Embracing the change is going to be really challenging actually because I'm instituting a spending freeze (which really should have always been there I've just been sloppy lately) and also looking extra hard for a part time job. I've needed a part time job for awhile but it's been on the backburner because even though I have no idea where my time goes go it does and it feels like I don't have time for a part time job but my checkbook says differently so here I go looking. My unemployment last time around was sad and pathetic and it took forever to get things moving in the direction I wanted to go in which was anywhere really so I'm a little apprehensive about the process this time around. Read a lot apprehensive, the apprehensivity is key to this communication. Vital. Embracing the change is feeling a little bit like gritting my teeth at the change but I'm working on it. Without butter. Change is hard.