10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Friday, May 26, 2006

good advice

dear prudie on the overweight spouse!


so, i don't have that thing. i can tell you it's the worst idea ever to google a condition before going to the doctor. it's just an infection. i have drops. very expensive drops. but the eye it is improving. crisis averted.

i'm freaking out about vacation. FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL. it should not be so stressful to go on vacation. i don't know what my deal is. matt just keeps saying "uhm it's vacation...there's no hurry.". and i'm like AHHHHH vacation. i'm trying not to freak out anymore because it is indeed vacation and there's no need to worry. so we're relaxedly going to my house tonight and staying till sunday. and then going to frederick on sunday. and then next sunday the adorable mayqueen is coming for a visit. i don't know what to do with all the fun.

this whole week my mind has been all over the place. i can't concentrate at all. every time i walk in to a room i forget why i'm there. matt requested alcohol and tweezers last night (so he could remove microscopic bits of aluminum from his finger which got stuck in a milling machine) and the poor dear had to wait 5 minutes while i walked around the house trying to find the tweezers and remembering to grab the alcohol. and just now i put a tray of quarters in the fridge instead of the vault. if anyone needs a vacation.

i'll be back next monday, unless the internet becomes available. i hope everyone has a good week!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

the iris

hello biology class, it's called the iris. and the bump is probably this. which fits in marvelously with my other conditions. great.


i'm going to pretend i didn't gain 2 pounds in a day. i don't know how it's possible. it must have been a trick of the light. the weightloss success comes and goes but the denial is coming along nicely.

in diet and exercise success, i ran this morning and didn't eat the horribly fat laden pastry brought to us by some of our customers. my boss, who incidentally ate the whole thing, said they were gross and not worth the calories so i'm saving myself. we're grilling tuna steaks tonight. i think that's my favorite new dish. i've been marinating them in lime juice and serving them with grilled vegetables. a little wild rice. i can feel my eyes glazing over.

hey, speaking of eyes, i seem to have developed a lump right next to the blue part i can't remember the name for. sara, my co-worker, has been telling me i look like i'm strung out for a few days and today there is an undeniable bump. i called the eye doctor this morning to make an appointment. it always seems that i alarm their receptionist with my eye issues. our last vacation was to quebec city in august, where i burned my retinas. i can tell you that there is some kind of fast service when you tell the woman you're seeing shining spots. same kind of service you get when you tell her you have a bump. and she says "on the lid?" and i say "no, on the white next to the blue part" and she says "ON THE WHITE?" and then she says "how's 1:30?"

so that's my afternoon planned for me. i can't wait to see what they say. i'm a little worried because my neighbor works there. the one with the shelf of breyer horses and the three cats with the litter tray right next to the cold air intake. i'm afraid that the doctor is going to ask "are you exposed to harsh chemicals on a daily basis?" and i'll have to say yes. ammonia. but none of this has anything to do with being fat, or exercising or cooking healthy food. i've been in a bit of a holding pattern getting ready for vacation and house guests and yadda yadda yadda. also, i'm confused by the upswing in the numbers. i've been feeling very muscular lately. i can really see the muscles in my arms now. i don't think it's because they're getting bigger, i just think there's less fat around them. less fat is good, but less fat equals floppy skin. i keep thinking of college when this friend of ours lost a bit of weight (she wasn't all that fat to begin with) and our other friend described her breast (which had escaped from the dress during a raging fit of dancing) as a floppy triangle. i don't want to be a floppy triangle person. surely it's a transitional stage, but i'm worried. what if i stall out at half fat and i'm floppy forever? so i'm happy to see my muscle but i'll be really happy when i start to shed some skin. and now i'm going to google bumptious eye conditions so i can be properly panicked by 1:30. au revoir!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

183 and 183

improvement. however slight. i made an appointment with my doctor for the extra curricular prodding before i have to pay for office visits. i'm really hoping to impress her with my massive weight loss (cough) but i'm worried she won't make me get on the scale. i just had a physical, this appointment is really just to check my thyroid dosage. i can't believe i'm worried i won't get to stand on the scale. i feel the most intense urge for her to know i'm trying. the urge for validation maybe?

so i looked a bit more at that fat spouse website. i just don't get it. if you loved someone, you would not want to write such things about them on the internet. you wouldn't even think those kind of things. if you clearly don't love your spouse, get a divorce. better to be a superficial bastard or bastardess getting a divorce for a shitty reason than being a passive aggressive coward on the internet. i would really rather go through a divorce than live with someone who would treat me that way. it makes me sad that people choose to live like that.

i'm slowly working my way down the list of things to do before vacation. i'm stuck on packing right now. i can't decide about packing exercise stuff. if i make room for it and bring it along, i won't use it. if i don't pack anything, i'll want to go for a jog and i'll feel extra guilty if i don't. i was debating this with matt and he asked if we'd be anywhere that you could jog and what would he do while i was jogging*, both of which are reasons that i probably won't get a lot of exercise on this trip. i said i should bring the stepper with us, i'm sure there's room in the passenger seat to step for a few hours while he drove. he said he'd measure it. one of my very favorite things about him is his inability to know when i'm joking. on the first hand it makes me laugh, and on the other it reminds me that not only does he listen to me and take me seriously, he'd do anything for me. including measuring my mini-stepper so i can take it on vacation and use it in the car while we drive. i should have him bronzed.

so, expect a few more angsty posts about how much exercise i can get in on vacation. i've been dreaming about eggplant parmesan from nido's and chocolate croissants from the french bakery, which makes me a little nervous about not running. but i fully expect to be walking every foot of gettysburg, and antietam, and the ford nationals car show at carlisle. so why the hell am i worried? any of you folks ever followed a ford man around a car show? i think i can probably get away with two croissants after that revelation.

*because we're staying with my friends and i think he'll feel weird sitting in their house alone for an hour, which is reasonable.

Monday, May 22, 2006

oh no you didn't!

my big fat spouse website. nothing surprises me anymore. i can't comment, but for heaven's sake...there's got to be something better to do with your time folks.

i'm feelin' lucky

i have officially decided to hedge my bets. i'm going for the high-ass deductible health plan that won't cost me nuthin'. the one where i have to cough up $2500 if i get hit by a truck and won't cover prescriptions but i can get an annual papsmear for a mere 20 bucks. i've been pouring over the forms all morning with my colleagues and we've been lamenting our lack of choices. it's going to make my life infinitely more complicated, but probably it will be fine. i haven't been hit by a truck all these years and yet i've paid 30 dollars a week to the man so i can get an 8 dollar discount on my thyroid medication. screw that. so, hello high-deductible health plan, good-bye bi-weekly payouts. and hello also to the highly confusing, but tax healthy option of a health savings account. if i deposit there what i would otherwise be paying in health insurance it will be exactly the same come the end of the year, and if i don't get hit by a bus i'll get to keep that money and it'll add up until i turn 55 and then i can spend it all on lotto tickets and early bird specials.

have you found the catch yet? they call it self-insuring for a reason. should i develop a condition or a disease or any number of problems that i surely will as i get older and take up high impact sports on traffic infested roads, the patching up of my person could be very expensive. the biggest thought on my mind is that i need to step up the taking care of myself. alot. i've got to lose the extra weight that makes me a candidate for diabetes. they call it self insuring because it means you pay for everything, but i'm trying to be all hopeful and positive about it. for me, self insuring is going to mean that i will be doing everything i can to keep myself healthy. and i've got 2500 reasons why.

it's been a very difficult decision. and scary. it's got me thinking about everything from my daily medication and exercise injuries to tax shelters and retirement funds. my brain might actually explode. if i stay healthy and safe, things could go really well for me. if i don't stay healthy and safe, well my body and my bank account will be screwed. but the onus is on me now to take care of this body, or pay the price with more than just my health and figure. it might be just the inspiration i need. but i'm still going to see my doctor this week. and i'm getting every damn test known to medicine while the man is still covering it.


i went for a run yesterday. it was wonderful. i ran farther than i thought i'd be able to, without actually dying. i've never been so shocked. so i'm in love with my new plan. i'm going to try to run three days a week and step or do pilates the other four. 'course i'm going on vacation next week and this plan will be shot to hell but hopefully i'll get back on course when i get back.

and now i have to decide how lucky i feel for the next 12 months. it's health insurance re-upping time. 2,500 deductible isn't so bad, is it?

Friday, May 19, 2006

poohma or pewma, you choose

i ordered two pairs of running shoes. from zappos. they're gorgeous folks with free shipping both ways. it's wonderful because you can try on anything and send it back and it's completely free. and also you can write them and tell them the shoes are cheaper at puma.com and they'll give you 110% of the difference back. lovely.

so i chose two pairs of pumas, neither of which are sold in stores around here. there were some asics that looked good too, but i can try those on and cough up the cash right up front. so we'll see. i heart shopping.


last night matt, professional boyfriend and amateur runner, examined all of my sneakers. because i can't seem to get off this shoe kick now that i have the tiniest bit of expendable income. he pronounced them all unfit. even my newest ones are too worn. so i'm going to get over myself and buy some new ones. strictly for running, doesn't matter how ugly they are, must be a perfect fit, no taking the less than perfect ones just because they're 5 dollars cheaper. and now maybe i can talk about actually running instead of shoes 24/7.

in other news, it's not just my exercise pants falling off my ass. my favorite jeans are now falling off my ass too. as witnessed by three banks worth of people learning about the changes in our health insurance plan. and the lovely woman whom i've never seen before telling me to pull up my pants. i really wanted to say "and you are the ass police?" but i didn't. i was so restrained, y'all would be proud.

i'm sure i should be pleased about my clothes falling off me, but damn, i didn't think it would be like this. the in between of sizes is really confusing. there's so much to get used to. the lovely D was talking about how things change so fast. you work out and eat right for weeks and then they put the ice cream cakes on sale (i had a coupon too) and you're back where you started. i suppose the difference is whether or not you give up. the difference between ending up having to get sawn out of your house and doing your first 5k. so we push on. trying is better than giving up.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


you know what happens when you're all excited to wear your sexy heels to work? you totally forget to pack shoes to walk in. for as much as i think about footwear, i'm always forgetting about it. the last pair of sneakers i bought was on the first leg of a road trip to quebec city. because i only took the flip flops i was wearing when we got in to the car. moron. i had three maps, cash in two currencies, the phone numbers of every hotel with availability on our route. and no shoes. so my very patient friend who flew all the way from baltimore to drive another 5 hours had to stop and shoe shop with me. and then we had to buy socks. those are the sneakers i exercise in. a very fancy pair of new balances. they were service-able* for the trip but they give me the most perfect blisters when i run in them.

this hasn't been much of an issue because i've been a slacker. and also i've been stepping more than running. the point is that i've been exercising in shoes bought under duress and furthermore i routinely forget the duress shoes and then i'm strapped at work for my walk. yesterday i went to the sports store and took a gander at their running shoes, because i really do want to start running again. properly. i'm amazed to say that i've discovered endorphins from exercise. they kick in at the exact moment that i would normally be ready to give up. i learned all this from the stepper. i've been goading myself to always beat the last high number and i've realized the last two weeks that i routinely beat it because i want to keep going not because i need to do twenty more to make it past yesterday's high. i haven't even been looking at the counter the last few weeks.** i get to this point where my legs are killing me but i just don't want to stop moving. i want to get there with running.

the hard truth is that i'm more willing to spend 60 bucks on sex kitten heels that i'll never wear than i am to buy real running shoes so i can finally shift this ass. i looked at a few pairs of shoes, and then i went back to work. i must have a problem with commitment. i have almost decided to trade in the chinese laundry heels for proper running shoes. the problem is not that i don't believe they'll be worth it. i have to convince myself that i won't quit running again. that with shoes that don't cause blisters and pants that don't fall down i will be able to keep going long enough to not want to stop. what do they say? if you go fast enough you can't see where you came from. sometimes i think that's exactly what this whole journey is about for me.

* huh?
** ofcourse i dropped my cd player on it and now it doesn't always work...that could have a small part to do with it.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


nearly half of people surveyed would rather give up a year of their life than be fat. christ, it's not that bad.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


ouch! to be expected. is that self defeat? no, more realism. just like my comment on being a size 8. at my skinniest i was a 10. maybe if i was anorexic i could pull off an 8, but that's no goal of mine.* i don't want to focus on a number, but i know i don't have the bone structure to be a size eight. that's the shittiest part of the patriarchal message about weight and size, size 8, 120 pounds is not the same for everyone.

case in point, my boyfriend's boss is going through this terrible divorce. she's doing her cougar thing and he has been a faithful dog taking her shit for 20 years. they keep talking about the kind of woman the boss should be dating. he wants a 5"10 120 pound model type woman. it makes me want to shout that line about the spoon from the matrix. what he wants does not exist in this reality. i give him a break because he's really a very nice man who has been fucked up, down and sideways in his marriage. i know that in his reality, when he is ready, his priority will be a woman who won't cheat on him for ten years...but the dream woman in his head bothers me.

why does every man want a 120 pound woman? the fatty mcblogsters talked about this a while ago, men want to see that number on a profile with no corroborating factors to interfere. is she a 120 pound midget? a 120 pound one legged woman? the 120 pound model in a victoria's secret push-up bra because she has no tits of her own? i think i'd prefer them to say "i want a woman with big tits, a flat stomach, thighs you can see light through". the 120 pounds is so arbitrary. it reminds me of the dear abby letters with the boyfriends who say "you'd be perfect if you lost 15 pounds". 15 pounds to me is hardly a dress size. how does a man know what 15 pounds lost or gained will look like on a woman's body. it's not about reality, it's about being manipulated into a mold. the only real difference is the degree of self loathing you reach trying to fit it.

it's all arbitrary. one woman's 15 pounds is not the same as another's, anymore than one woman's size 8 is. it's just a number on a tag that no one sees anyway. with as little hypocrisy as i can manage, i admit that i want to drop some sizes. 12 has a nice ring to it. but i hate myself for focusing on that, for focusing on the number of pounds i've lost or gained. and yet every day my title is a number. i let it run me, shit...i let it run my blog. i am chock full of hypocrisy and self doubt and ideas about being too fat. i'm shit scared of losing weight and facing all the changes it will mean to me and yet i crave it enough to sit down every day and write about wanting to be ten pounds** lighter.

D once said i was an inspiration because i don't complain about not losing. i'm too busy driving myself slowly mad thinking about it. thinking about how maybe i don't really want to lose, maybe i'm just some masochist who wants to feign trying so atleast i won't be one of those fat girls who has just let herself go.*** i'm losing a little because i'm exercising and i like it enough to do it every day, and to keep doing it for all these months. i can't help thinking every minute that i'm not doing enough. every time i take a cookie from a tray or bring an extra coke with me to work. it's only logic to think that if i skipped that i would have lost a lot more weight by now. and possibly my will to live.

i think it would be fair to say i'm being a little dramatic today. aren't we all entitled at one point or another. i honestly don't know what's harder...turning away from food or accepting myself as i am. can you be accepting of yourself while actively trying to change? see what i mean about driving myself mad?

*but man, a tape worm would be great. just for a little while.
**20 pounds lighter, one pound lighter. same difference.
***another gift of the patriarchy.

Monday, May 15, 2006


i'm quite happy with that number as i'm full of hormones. and cramps. because i've been a pilates slacker. i don't even have a genuine excuse. i liked pilates. the only excuse i have is that in order to make room to do pilates i have to deal with the drying rack in the middle of my living room. is that lame or what? i've just been washing and drying and picking the dry clothes off to wear. i don't have words for how pathetic that is.

i did have a bit of a wardrobe triumph this weekend. the exercise pants i bought are now officially too large. they fall off my ass as i run. it's that bad. i'm really pissed that i did't get the mediums. i didn't get them because i couldn't believe that medium would ever describe my body. while they did actually fit, they were a little clingy. and they showed me a reality of bumps and bulges and curves that i'm not ready to look at. the large doesn't show me curves, it shows my ass to passersby as i run. my crazy body issues are now affecting my shopping.

the boyfriend thought this was great news. that my clothes are getting too big for me. and he's right. i should be happy that my clothes are getting too big. i should be glad that my school ring fits perfectly today while in months past i've struggled with putting it on. i'm a little unnerved by it all. i don't think i ever believed that i would actually lose any weight. i assumed i would dabble with exercise and write about feeling fat on the internet and then give up and buy some stock in a twinkies plant. but i haven't given up yet and i am seeing changes. nothing drastic, but things i can live with. forever changes.

i can't say i don't ever daydream about home liposuction. it's just so tempting sometimes. i have knives, i have a vacuum. an over active imagination. but those urges are few. i don't really think about losing faster. everyone wants to get skinny quick. now isn't soon enough. it's as much an illusion as getting rich quick. only there's no nigerian widow who wants to cheat me out of my fat. it's one of life's fallacies that being skinny and rich will make you happy. like buying an SUV will make you powerful, and fearless and cool. we're as much being sold an illusion of being skinny and happy as we are dish soap and sugared cereal or a new car. i refuse to buy that i can't be sexy or happy until i lose more weight. i refuse to accept that i'm wasting my life being fat, biding time in a corner until i'm a size 8. i'm never going to be a size 8, but that's no big deal. it's the minutes that i sit on my couch and feel sorry for myself that i should regret. damn it.*

*for effect.

Friday, May 12, 2006

mother's day

it's been raining all week. i have nothing remotely interesting to say. the weeks seem to be flying by but the days just drag. my sister called to tell me they're having a mass for mom on the 16th. it came so fast. i never thought this year would end. and then you get to the end and you realize grief doesn't end at any one turning point of time. and you wonder how you got through the days only a year ago, only six months ago.

mother's day is sunday. last year i made my mom a card. she couldn't keep her eyes open to read it and fell asleep with it in her hands. it's going to be a harder month than i thought.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


i got nothing.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


sad. very sad. and also, my shoulder is broken and i'm a victim of self tanner.

since i started the pilates my shoulder hadn't been hurting. since i've been negligent in my pilates-ing my god damn shoulder won't stop hurting. i could lop it off and roast it with some rosemary. a little sea salt. it's driving me nuts. the malibu barbie brown plastic legs i have only add insult to injury. it was supposed to be a natural glow. natural glow shining out of my ass. my legs are all blotchy and way more "tanned" than i signed up for. no one will ever believe that my legs are really that color. six dollars worth of misery. my arms look good though. what is wrong with me thinking fake tan would ever work?

the better question is why am i letting the pounds creep back? i baked a cake this weekend. it would be foolish of me to think that the boyfriend ate half a cake by himself. the sweet and crazy thai lady keeps bringing me iced teas with the cream and the 2 cups of sugar and i keep drinking them. i have a coke in my bag. i have lost all sense of reason. it didn't seem to click when the scale was still reading 183 but i can't deny the 184 that will be 185 very soon if i don't get a grip. i feel like i'm driving down a one way street the wrong way. case in point, i'm supposed to make baked ziti for dinner. i need to turn this car around and get some fish to bake. and a zucchini. and some damn common sense. and to bin the rest of the damn cake.

i'm a little grumpy today. my legs are orange, the scale is unsympathetic, and i'm daydreaming about cooking my own shoulder. have a good wednesday, y'all!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


i asked my co-worker today if she wanted to feel the new fab muscles in my legs. and can you believe she declined such an offer?

also, from the other blog, because truer words were never said:

"You know it's time to slow down your sugar bender and check yourself before you wriggety-wreck yourself when you end up with coffee roll glaze up your nose."

Monday, May 08, 2006


it's so great to finally break 185. i just have to keep it down. we're going on vacation (to maryland) at the end of the month and i would really love to lose a few more by then. i feel kind of silly hoping for a loss so i can go on vacation and eat it all back. i know i will. i have a laundry list of restaurants to take the boyfriend to. the plan is to walk everywhere and hopefully that will counteract the eating. i have no intention of driving 12 hours to see my friends and insisting we eat salad with dressing on the side every night.

i'm also planning on a new tattoo. i had a bargain with myself that if i kept up the exercising until vacation that i could justify the new tattoo as a reward. i didn't want it to be pound based because i'm really just a little too fragile for that. "you didn't lose x pounds, no treats for you!!!" i want it to be more like a reward for building up good habits. i think i've succeeded there. i've proved myself correct that eventually i will see some change if i keep up the exercise and try to be moderate with the food.

in the vein of rocking the fatness that's been all around, i bought some cute girly clothes this weekend. i don't want to wait until i'm skinny to wear nice clothes. i might never be skinny, and then i'll just be a frumpy fat girl instead. screw that. so i had a good time on the clearance racks. i also stopped in to lane bryant. i've been popping in the last few weeks because they keep sending me coupons. mostly i look around and pass my coupon to someone else who has purchases in hand.* yesterday i took a jean skirt in to the dressing room because it looked really cute and it would have been cheap with the coupon. IT HAD BUILT IN SHORTS!** why? i just don't understand that store. they ride the very fine edge of being cool and then they screw it up. how sexy would you feel in a mini skirt with SHORTS BUILT IN? no skinny woman would wear that. why would anyone wear that? i don't deny that there is a skort demographic out there but i seriously doubt it's the same women who want washed denim mini-skirts. heads up their asses.

*the last two times i did this i've said "god bless" in a way that to me is ironic but probably they think i'm some fat promoting missionary. i'm not sure which is better.
**clearly the capitals weren't enough to display my horror.

Saturday, May 06, 2006


i don't know how that happened but the mister swears his weight is right. it's about damn time. i just hope it lasts.

Friday, May 05, 2006

a post in which i use too many of these!

twice a year my college dorm had these hall parties. and they always had to have a theme. the theme was almost always fire related. HOT LIKE FIRE! was one, FIRE and ICE was another, ON FIRE!, HOT! HOT! HOT! man was it boring. the cooler dorms had pimps and hoes parties and cowboy themes and assorted fancy dress balls. we had continuous FIRE! and HOTNESS! my roommate and i started calling every party UNORIGINAL LIKE FIRE! to amuse ourselves and in our own way thwart the patriarchy who chose such boring party themes. and now that's all i can think about because it's HOT LIKE FIRE! in maine today.

85 degrees. there's no reason it needs to be that hot here. it's maine. we like it cold. that's why we live here. i really feel like nature should save the warm weather for people who like it. in say, arizona? the worst part about it being hot (like fire) is that no one in maine has air-conditioning. there's no reason, you see, because it's traditionally cold enough for all the tourists to buy generic MAINE! sweatshirts and the workers from jamaica to wear their winter coats all summer. the rest of us are melting and our sun deprived skin is turning red before our eyes.

i went for a walk at lunch time and i'm still fanning myself with deposit slips. it's a bad sign for my summer exercising. i'd been getting into walking in the morning and at lunch time, but there's a limit to how much sweatiness i can handle at work. it's not all that professional. the short of the long is that the ymca is looking like the only option. i might go over to take a tour this weekend and think about it. it would be wonderful to be able to exercise and then shower, all in the same building. what luxury!

185 and 185

i got my first spam comment! makes me feel like i've arrived. we'll see how annoying it gets, it's probably an isolated incident right? what i'll do about it, i don't know. i hate those word verification things. it takes me forever to post comments with those, either i never learned the alphabet or i'm going blind. those letters are impossible for me and then if you get it wrong you have to start on new letters. maybe i need new glasses.

still fat. it's been a crazy few days. the car is gone. i replaced it with a big stack of money. and soon the money will be gone too. but for a very good cause.

it was all very stressful and over in a flash. i can't believe it. i was in a daze yesterday. which is a good excuse for eating pizza and donuts and ice cream all in the same day. see why i didn't post yesterday, i was busy shoving wonderful fatty food down my throat. except i felt like shit and then i needed a nap. you can't eat that much junk and expect to feel good. super healthy meals planned for the rest of the week to recover.

so, not that i need another car...but i've been looking and thinking about cars the last few days. we've been talking about cars alot and the boyfriend mentioned something i never knew, the vw bug is a fat person car. apparently a larger lady wrote the car guys in the paper asking what would be a good car for someone larger and they suggested the bug. the doors are bigger than other cars and it's easier to maneuver in and out of. he's got a point. we're going to go test drive one and check it out. it'll be like a consumer guide for the larger of folks. long overdue.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

ymca who?

i've been working the numbers around on every computer, calculater and abacus i can get my hands on. i simply cannot believe that i will be debt free by NOVEMBER. if i do this and this and that i can have this much in savings by then. it's great fun. i'll still have a budget but i won't have to use my half.com sales of slave literature* to supplement food money.

sadly, affording a gym membership was not the first benefit that came to mind. i'm sure it should have been but i was too busy thinking about taking chairman meow to the vet for the first time since i got her. i'm sure she won't enjoy it, but the guilt that my furry is late on her shots is wearing on my soul. mrrow. but yeah, the gym. with the new budget i can afford the monthly payments. i could even pay for the whole thing if i so desired.

i'm sure it will open up a whole new can of worms like being naked in front of strangers, what wonderful blog fodder that will be. it'll be good for me to build that kind of routine: gym, work, rest. i'm a morning person anyway. and hey, i could even swim...maybe, if there's no one around.**

it's a wonderful developement, this selling of the car to the weird guy who stalked us at mardens.*** i can't wait to be part of the class that can afford gym memberships and to take their cat to the vet. what larks!

*i don't remember taking every class on african american literature but it seems i did, and i have the volumes to prove it.
**remote possibility that i'll be skinnier or i won't give a shit by then.
***too conceited to link to yourself?


if you pee enough and take off your pajamas the scale will say 184. huzzah!

i've earned a sunny beach picture.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

splin shints

someone googled that. and it brought them here. it makes me feel all tingly.

holding pattern

i'm still 185. atleast i'm not fatter. there's been so much going on, what with the shopping and the guilt.* and then we got our incentive bonus and i wasn't so sad. and then i sold my car. well, it's a negotiated sale for sometime this week, but it's very good for ye olde finances.

the boyfriend did all the work so i'm rewarding him with dinner out. food as a reward. a bad idea for me, a good idea for him. we really don't have a choice, logistics wise. bangor is too far to go and do all the business and then come back to cook dinner. unfortunately it means three nights out for dinner in a week. DAMN. i'm gonna have to do some serious stepping to keep my 185. or maybe celebratory dancing.

i keep playing with the numbers to see how soon i'll be free. i'm talking about money ofcourse but it could so easily be pounds. if indeed i was losing any. tomorrow maybe.

*have i mentioned my mother was a nun. i have a black belt in guilt.

Monday, May 01, 2006

siren's call indeed

heather has talked me into keeping the shoes i bought this weekend. she had a moment of clarity in shoe pavilion, i had mine in marshalls. that's why i get to have two pairs, the marked down pricing. i can also attribute it to "in her shoes" the adorable movie i watched every night last week where toni collette was so not fat. she says "when i feel bad i like to treat myself. clothes never look good, food just makes me fatter...shoes always fit". she's so right. and the shoes in the movie were so gorgeous. i pine for style like that.

it is, of course, completely useless to have style in maine. new running shoes, or some hiking boots, would make alot more sense. and i'm trying to listen to that practicality. the practicality that says i don't need pink leather buckle strapped three inch heels. of course i don't need them. i can't even think where i'd where them. but damn do they make me feel fabulous.

i never used to buy shoes like that because someone might have noticed me, even if just my feet, and i wasn't the kind of girl who aspired to be noticed. wouldn't want to ruin my unblemished streak of invisibility perfected over four years of highschool. and i wasn't even that fat. it wasn't about being fat. it was about feeling flawed no matter what the flaw really was. even if i'd been 20 pounds lighter i still wouldn't have dressed with any sense of feeling beautiful.

writing that makes me hear warning bells. i know that it's not clothes or pounds or anything else that makes you beautiful. but it does reflect our choices and how we view ourselves. through four years of college i wore faded ani difranco t-shirts and a pair of old navy jeans practically every day. a look that screamed newly out dyke who doesn't bow to the patriarchy. my freshman roommate was straight, but on an all women's campus she spent her days in sweatpants. she used to moan, when she wore proper clothes that didn't have cords at the waist, that every one said how nice she looked and how she must look like shit all the rest of the time. well, yeah. she had an astonishingly full wardrobe but she chose the sweatpants and the hoodies because she was comfortable. i was never comfortable. if i'd worn sweatpants i'd be thinking that everyone else is thinking "she never exercises why does she need sweatpants?". one could say that i was a little paranoid.

but now, fuck that. i love getting dressed and feeling beautiful and being noticed. i use my body and my clothes to accentuate eachother, instead of canceling eachother out. i feel great, even if i still do want to lose a few more pounds. this new world view while fun, doesn't really get me anywhere with my worries about the budget or finding space on the shoe rack. the overall idea ofcourse is to feel fabulous with or without spending money. but then this afternoon the powers that be announced 1st quarter incentives and it's got to be a sign. so i'm keeping two pairs of shoes and one bag, and all the receipts for when i return to reality next week.


good lord did i spend a lot of money. it was fantastic. and now i get to decide what goes back. i bought a blanket, a tea pot, one coat, one scarf, three pairs of pants, three purses and three pairs of shoes. some of these things were gifts and some things were "gee, it's on clearance and there's only one and i'll just take it back if i don't want it". so there's alot going back. including a really cheap old navy coat in xxl which is really way too big and a pair of size 16 pants from the gap. i'm glad to be back in the 14's and i'm hoping i won't be buying anything else in that size this summer.

i found a long denim skirt in my closet from express in a 13/14. i was a little worried...but it fits. i wore it to the boyfriend's mother's birthday dinner. i think i shocked his family with the dressing up. they're not that kind of people and mostly i'm not either. it was nice to feel pretty and go out.

on the dieting front i'm getting somewhere with portion control. we had dinner at buggaboo creek and i could hardly eat half of it. his mom was worried i didn't like it because i took so much home. i'm glad to see the lasting changes. maybe relieved is a better word. i need these habits to be life long, second nature. it's awesome.