10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

"And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband."

so i tracked down the blood test lady and got my numbers for the thyroid test. this is where the story gets confusing. see how it's barely started and already i'm apologizing for it, yeah. anyway, i'm at 3.63. which is way lower than the 4.29 i had last year. last year when normal was 4.25 and i didn't have to take and drugs because it was pretty close. but this year the doc said that 1 is the new normal so why did she mark my chart normal when i'm 3.63. she's supposed to call me and explain but probably i'll end up having to stalk her. does that make the sense to anyone, i could really use the help.

"Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans."

you spend one day at home with your belongings that seem to reproduce like rabbits and you miss getting reviewed by calorie lab. bummer. i can't say i don't like seeing myself quoted. looking at my statcounter makes me feel all tingly. just sometimes when i see things i wrote last year i have this feeling that they've made it cooler or funnier or somehow more worthy of reproduction. me from last year is so different than me of this year. i guess i have a supremely short term memory. like goldfish.

what news? back to 170. i'm relieved about that. it was worrying me a little that the scale was going up. especially as i felt so buff. whiny. but buff. i didn't have any trouble carrying all of that heavy stuff and now i feel accomplished. i'm not quite done but i'm ready for a little self appreciation.

speaking of which, maybe, i found some old size 12 jeans. from college. i haven't gotten to try them on yet but i'm hoping that some of them fit. or will fit soon. i'm not sure where i stand in pants sizes right now. the jeans of enlightenment don't fit quite right yet. but all my 14's are laughably big. hammer pants big. the old jeans will be telling. i'd like to know how close i am to my college body (which i have promised myself to appreciate this time). the one problem is the lack of vanity sizing from 5 years ago meaning they might be actual 12's. maybe i'll get lucky and they'll be stretched.

i haven't heard back about the thyroid thing yet. i've made a note to call the doctor this afternoon. it's lucky for them i've been preoccupied. there is some feral part of me emerging that really wants this thyroid thing to make a difference. 98% of me is capable of doing the right things and waiting patiently but that 2% is ready for a big change now. nower. yesterday. last week actually. not that i've been daydreaming about it or anything.

i'll be back with more salivation if i get news from the medical profession. if anyone understands how i feel, i know this community will.

Monday, February 26, 2007

"I'm a good cook. In theory. I've eaten a lot."

i've been thinking all morning about french fries. you know how sometimes you fantasize about some food for so long that the actual experience is pre-ordained to pale in comparison. i hate that. i really wanted those french fries i had for lunch to solve all my problems. and decorate my living room. but really it's just another notch in my belt of crappy food choices lately. i didn't need to eat all that pizza this weekend. i didn't need to make ben and jerry the first occupants of my new freezer. no matter how many calories i burned hauling boxes up stairs.

part of it is that i don't have the time or the supplies to make real food right now. but mostly, being under the smallest bit of strain encourages me to give myself permission to eat badly. i treat stress like a free pass, when probably i'd feel much better if i did a little more to eat decent food. i do the same things every time i'm under pressure. and fall into the same traps. i end up feeling physically ill, emotionally weak, and usually financially wrecked. all of which, of course, stress me out more. and on and on.

i have a few more nights of living in two houses, packing and driving all night, and buying stuff i can't actually afford (two words: well pump). i just have to make the most of what i have for two more nights. the only thing i have going for me is the insane amount of calories you burn while pushing a mattress up a flight of stairs. better than nothing i suppose.

"No, those weren't vampires. Those were just... guys in thunder need of a facial."

i'm tired. there's something about picking up everything you own and putting it somewhere else that wears thee out. we moved the big ticket items yesterday. couch, bed, tv (which is a heavy bastard if you haven't tried to dance with yours lately) and now i'm in a coma. the kind of coma where you can summon the energy to type and that's pretty much the extent. the worst part is that we're not done yet. it was one of those days where you wanted to keep pushing just so you'd have an end to look forward to. but no. almost. there's that pesky hour drive both ways that hampers the speed of the operation.

i'm sort of relieved to be at work because everything hurts. including my feelings because i had a few days of 170 and now i'm back to 172. which has to be a product of the lifting and pouting i just don't know how exactly. at work i don't have to do anything but smile and count bits of paper. and i can sit. i'm not even writing lists because i gave myself a big giant cardboard cut right where you would use your list making pencil. rest without relaxation.

am i whining too much? it's just that i hate this a lot. i'm trying to think of ways i'll never have to move this crap again. and i've come up with a plan. if the situation ever arises that i would need to move, i'm joining a commune. the first busload of hippies i come accross is my new family.

peace out unless i think of something less desperate to post.

Friday, February 23, 2007

"Does this sweater make me look fat?" "No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple."

this will probably be a random sort of post because i'm feeling..err..sort of random. pretty much the bulk of the move will be over this weekend. bully for you all because you won't have to hear about it anymore. woohoo!

i received a great big ol' box from amazon last night. the last remaining buffy seasons and a giant box of earl grey green tea. 6 cartons times 20 bags is a lot of tea. but i legitimately couldn't find it here (why, i don't know) and it was relatively cheap. and i've been really into green tea lately. it must be a phase.

per sarah and the "i'm not going to unpack, i'm just going to sit in my room and cry" way of life, i'm a little worried about my future kitchen. i really wanted to unpack things in an orderly, anal compulsive way...but i'm way beyond that now. i'm in stuff it in now, sort it out later mode. so much for planning.

i've also noticed that i'm completely incapable of working without my stereo. i gave myself a choice between the tv and the stereo and i chose the tv (specifically for the arrival of the joss whedon collection). turns out i'm way less interested in packing up my tupperware without music. i know, it's shocking.

what else, oh...nothing. i've got nothing. i'm still at 171. i'm only halfway through the frozen ravioli. i haven't done a proper minute of exercise in weeks. the dove bars and the whole loaf of bread are gone. as in eaten not as in thrown away. imagine how skinny-rific i could be if i ate properly this week. and how fat i could be if i lived near a pizza hut. a world of possibilities.

you ever wonder how much of your life is like one of those adventure books where you choose the ending? if your heroine bought organic bananas turn to page 7, if she bought bakery style banana muffins turn to page 9, if she ordered in thai take out for the 7th day in a row turn to page 175 and adjust your pants accordingly. i find myself thinking like this all the time. if i nixed this thing and did more of that thing. the point is, however, that that's all in the past. i can't change last week. i can only work on changing next week. or i can try to anyway. and i can try to chastise myself less for choices that i've already made and accepted even if i don't like them as much from this side.

if i can just forgive myself for not packing the tupperware maybe i can move on enough to shove it in a glad bag when i get home and call it good.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

"And you're sitting here at the Bronze looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy."

back to 171 of late. how depressing. i'm pretty sure it's the loaf of useless white bread i was compelled to buy this week. and maybe the dove bars. which i'm enjoying much less than the toast and yet feel more guilt over. is it me or is there some inherent emotional baggage that comes with eating chocolate? what do they call that, i want to say bullshit posturing. is that it? anyway, one pound fatter. c'est la vie.

i was supposed to do laundry last night. but i got an attack of the lazy. which i will totally regret this weekend when i'm lugging trashbags of dirty linens to the new house. doesn't that sound skanky? i guess i'll have to do the laundry thing friday night instead. if i add enough rum and coke, pizza, and buffy re-runs that might not be such a bad night. and i wonder about the pounds creeping up. well, no, i don't really. more i'm sadly aware of exactly why that pound came back. it's just under the radar right now. 174, now that would piss me off. that would make me give up the pizza. so we'll see what happens.

last night i packed two rubbermaid tubs worth of cereal. i've got to give up the bulk shopping. once and for all. the nice thing about not being completely broke is that if i want cheerios i can just buy cheerios and i won't have to feel bad about not having a coupon. i should really just shred all coupons that say you have to buy two of something. unless it's ice cream. otherwise it's just a spending trap i have difficulty avoiding. especially with things that aren't perishable. i just don't need that much food on hand and finally seeing it all in the light of moving has opened my eyes.

i'm really hoping those habits will be easier to break in my new living situation. i'm going to have to change the way i cook and shop. i could never feed matt fruity pebbles for dinner and i've sworn i'm never buying bologna, so we'll both be eating differently. i'm committed to cooking healthy food for him so it'll have to rub off on me. atleast a little.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

"You mean winter, as in Eskimos and igloos and penguins and ICE?"

if you live in maine you know you pay the highest taxes in the nation. you also know that the state doesn't do a damn thing with the money except sit on it and sing na-na-na while you sob. so when every bridge is left to fall into the water it's not a big surprise. that would be the bridge that makes our hour commute to the new house possible. the road is still shitty, but it's way less shitty than the 30 mile detour alternative. what they don't mention in the article, although apparently they mention it on tv, is the ice road. the ice road that pissed off locals have plowed over the lake. ice roads have their places, their uses. however, a lake with a dam and a current is probably not the safest. but then last night i drove the alternative route and pretty much that's all ice too. a screeching, frozen death seems rather inevitable.

so anyway, my stress level is like...a million. but we got the fridge set up. and i can put coke in it. and weep with joy so i'm all set. things are going along pretty well actually. i still reserve my right to freak, but it's not a constant state anymore. and i ordered curtains. check me and my adult decision making.

i've been awaiting a call from my doctor about my thyroid. long ago she said that i didn't really need to take my medicine because my numbers were only a smidge above normal. i took them for awhile because i thought it might help me lose weight* but i stopped when i couldn't keep it up. and i didn't feel any better or worse so i quit. but apparently normal changed (see how this fits the theme lately, the everchanging state of normalcy) and now it's way below what i am. like, three points. so i might be going back on my pills. *(hey, i went and put the footnote in the middle. ahh, the freedom) there was this girl in college i keep thinking about. she was sort of dowdy every so slightly overweight girl. i would never have called her fat, but she wasn't a skinny girl. and then she got diagnosed with a thyroid condition. in a month she was a stick.

i know how we always talk about how your body isn't you, it's just what carries you around. well damn, this girl became the body. she went from frumpy t-shirts to strappy halters practically overnight. and damn was i jealous. if it could be that easy. i've never really held out any hope that that would happen for me. considering i was already taking the meds and had been for years, i wasn't waiting for a miracle. but part of me can't help thinking that if i'm running three points high i'm probably in for some changes if i go back on the medication. and i really hope it's strappy halters kind of changes. it'd be nice to have the option, even if i never rock the look in real life.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

"Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility."

someone tagged me for a meme. six facts. could there possibly be six things i haven't shared? let's see.

1. firstly, when i make lists like this i always start with a. and follow with 2. and i think it's funny every single time. i think it's from sixteen candles or similar and just thinking about it makes me smile.

2. i have almost no pictures from college, and i hate it. what was i doing for four years that i never had a camera? it's one of my biggest regrets that i didn't take more time to capture those moments.

3. i feel more guilty about calling in sick when i am sick than when i'm not.

4. i'm obsessed with erasing my past and think every day about deleting my old blog. but then i'd have no record of college and that would be really sad.

5. i didn't answer the phone on purpose when my dad called to tell me my mom had passed away. i already knew, i just wasn't ready to face it.

6. sometimes i wish i still had the discipline of ocd. part of me would really like to have cupboards like the guy in sleeping with the enemy.

i'm not going to tag anyone but if anyone feels like divulging their deepest and darkest let us know in the comments so we can stop by and be nosy!

Friday, February 16, 2007

"Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?"

the doctor business wasn't so bad. she's gonna check my thyroid again and she was fairly impressed with my "official" 20 pounds lost. i demurred a bit on the "how are you doing it?" thing. i'm not really trying didn't seem like a good answer, so instead of giving her my url i just said "uhm, i'm not depressed anymore". which seemed to suffice. caring about your life sort of makes an impression. and you have better things to do than watch netflix and eat macaroni and cheese and never leave your house.

she was very democratic about suggesting i lose more. she said about 155 would be the weight where i would experience fewer health problems. not that i am experiencing any at the moment. she said it in a good way where she was happy with my loss and not pushing too much. 155 is about where i'd like to be too. on my scale of course. where i'm only 15 pounds away. i suppose my 150 would equal her 156 so my goal will be somewhere around there. i like the ring of just 15 more pounds. i had just gotten used to 20 more pounds so 15 feels like i'm already ahead.

it is technically true that i'm not doing anything in particular. like a plan. i definitely don't have a plan. it's not entirely accurate either. i don't make macaroni and cheese once a week. i don't make it once a month. i've made it once in the new year when i had company and i can't remember the time before that. why? because it's solid fat and useless carbs. i've always known that, the difference i suppose is that now i think about it. and i think, that's not what i want, it's not what my body needs, so i don't cook it very often. i'm probably getting a little too detaily with the macaroni metaphor. the point is that i think about some things more. and some things less.

it never would have made a difference to the me of two years ago that there's a lot of fat in some of my favorite dishes. i might well have made them all in a week and not cared. now i think about my week and form a plan even if it isn't written in stone. i've changed the way i think about food and that's the big difference. so many of us have worried about food and weight for so long, since we were children, that the worry has tainted the way we think about everything else in our lives too. i can't count the hours i've wasted thinking about how someone else would choose in my place. what someone else thinks i should be choosing. like i'd better order the salad so this person will know that i know that i'm fat and they'll think i'm trying. what a waste. there's no other word. now i base my choices on my wants, with some perspective thrown in, and i spend a lot less time worrying and a lot more doing. at the very least i'm able to say i'm doing my best. what more can you do for yourself.

"It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."

this morning, 170. making a nice even 26 lost. if i can just defy gravity until 11 i'm all set. i think.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

"I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

i didn't want to, but i made an appointment with my doctor. i did recently get the annual visit reminder in the mail and matt is all worried about the puking* even though i'm feeling better today. the worry isn't so good for his condition so i'm getting it over with tomorrow. and i can find out what the medical opinion is on my efforts of this year. i've pretty much decided that they'll be positive. if not, i'll just get a new doctor in bangor when we move. i'm not all that interested in supporting professionals who don't support me. as of now i'm at 171 which makes 25 pounds lost. all i have to do is watch it until tomorrow lunch. i'm somewhat obsessed with having the lowest possible number on my chart now that i've made the appointment. like cramming for a test.

and when it's over i can start my long weekend of moving and buying curtains. which is actually quite difficult and i had no idea. i've never had to decorate a room i actually cared about before and it's not as easy as i'd thought. i've spent so long doing things on the cheap in temporary apartments i feel like i'm funnelling years of decorative energy into these three rooms**. i'm totally crippled by it.

i painted one room, the bedroom. the color came out all wrong but it's too much work to do over, so i'm making due with the shade of green. it sort of matches my head *** so i'm making that my theme. how does one match curtains to a head? i'm thinking of these. shabby chic sort of goes with my half antique/half ikea design concept. cough. i've already planned to hide all the modern stuff behind the door and sort of focus on the old stuff. atleast until i can afford an antique wardrobe, which will be never so i'd better get curtains i like. and then make a duvet to match so i can go off to acadia mental hospital in peace.

i'd debated making my own curtains. but i don't think i can do it fast enough. i've been making a concerted effort to finish the projects i start (read not moving the poly-fil to another apartment still unused) but i think it would be unwise to push it just now. we'll end up curtainless and fabricfull and i'll just be mad that i let myself down. better to grapple with target.com and the uselessness of their enlarged photos. how are you supposed to see the shade of green in those curtains? it's madness.

*you can't imagine the you're pregnant teasing, i'm not. really.
**they're big rooms, there just aren't many of them.
***not mine exactly but very close.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

"God, every day here is the same." "Bright, sunny, beautiful… however can we escape this torment?"

apparently it's news that it's snowing. in maine. in february. i hate watching the news. but anyway, we bought a kenmore. it has a light in the freezer, slide out-spill proof shelves, it has a crisper...ooooh. we went without the ice maker. so we can fit more ice cream. or deer or whatever. it's a wonderful thing. if we survive the blitz we'll pick it up on saturday. and i can start filling it. score!

i hadn't been planning anything for dinner tonight since i wasn't expecting a valentine. but now i have one so i had to buy dinner on the fly this morning. before the "milk, eggs, bread, apocolypse" crowd decimated the grocery store. i got a big ass chicken (hey, you're not eating the chickens! ehh, i might, i haven't decided) and red potatoes. because they're valentinesy. i didn't think i'd have time to make the fancy mousse cake but we just got news we're closing early. so i get to go home and cover myself in chocolate. which should be fun. i just hope i bought enough whipping cream. no way am i going back to the market today. ooops, i only have one egg at home. i'll think of something.

happy valentine's day everyone!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

"She irons her jeans. She's evil. She has to be destroyed."

matt and i are doing the traditional valentine's visit to sears tonight. i found me a fridge. it's everything a refridgerator should be. according to consumer reports. it's a kenmore. and on sale. and what with the boiler needing wood every few hours plus the nor'easter we're supposed to get tomorrow valentine's day is sort of busted. so we're going tonight. and having dinner with his parents. maybe we'll stop at dairy queen for that extra special specialness.

i'm not exactly bitter. we sort of knew the boiler would need attention when it got set up, we just didn't know it would be up and running to change our plans. i just have to hope we get the water running and then we can stay there and feeding the beast won't be such a big deal. dramatic sigh here.

back to fat. still holding at 172. which is great. not going up is all i can ask for with everything going on. not that food is out of control. even if i wanted to rely on convenience food i couldn't. no fast food is worth a half hour drive. the best thing about living here is that there is no real opportunity to binge for the lazy. you have to be industrious to be a binger in rural maine. you have to cook, or drive, or have enough money and guts to sit in one of the few open restaurants and order three entrees. but nothing like that is happening.

actually i haven't been feeling much like eating. which is making the ridding of the food rather difficult. i'm sure it's the stress. there really aren't any other factors. money is good, family isn't in crisis, must be the moving. somehow i'm just not very hungry lately and when i do eat...ughh...i feel awful. i'm paying more attention to what i'm eating and when than i have in ages. to see if i can find something that doesn't make me ill. if only to convince matt i'm not starving myself. but feeling nauseas isn't all it's cracked up to be. hopefully i just have to survive two more weeks of moving stress and i'll be all bliss for march. i'll be crossing my fingers.

Monday, February 12, 2007

"i'll just go to her, chain her up and torture her till she likes me again."

this is just so wrong. the point wasn't that dawn french was overweight, the point was that she was a woman. and also completely hilarious. and talented. wrong is not a strong enough word. insane maybe. painfully so.

like my weekend with the packing. i was a very devoted mover. i only did the tiniest bit of extra-curricular shopping. i went to the pretty jewelry store and picked up a present for my sister and some things for myself. and i didn't have a car accident this time. i was very careful. and i'm very excited about the bracelet that alison is making just for me. to match my earrings. i love shiny things. i'm turning into such a girl.

speaking of which, i don't feel like i moved that much but it was clearly too much. i'm beat. all the books are gone, and the games, and all the wall art. which was a bad idea because my house is really depressing now with nothing but holes in the walls. i packed up all my fancy dishes and my bakeware. i have a whole lot of unnecessary things in my house. and they're all heavy. or fragile. or otherwise difficult to pack. how have i done this so many times and not gone insane?

i've set-up a few things in the new house and it's a little strange. i feel a little like i'm taking my life and laying it over matt's house like a blanket. i keep asking him if he'd like more of his stuff and less of my stuff, and he keeps saying he doesn't have any stuff. i suppose he's right. for him to make more of an impression on the apartment he'd have to do a lot of shopping. i can't help feeling weird about it, but he really doesn't seem to care. i guess i'll just keep asking him until he goes nuts (soon) or starts putting up naked lady pictures like his brother (unlikely).

what else. oh yeah, i successfully didn't buy any groceries. it probably won't do much for the diet eating pasta every night, maybe i'll burn enough calories by fretting and making lists that it won't matter. it frees up a lot of money anyway. a very beautiful thing.

Friday, February 09, 2007

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

i packed 5 boxes last night. and my house is a wreck. so this afternoon i ate a chocolate bar to forget about it and now i feel ill. so the plan worked. sort of.

since we're pretty sure we'll be moving, i need to actually buy a refridgerator. i've been hemming and hawing as you do over your first refridgerator purchase. what with the mammoth cost involved. i have no idea what is a good brand of fridge to buy. we'll probably end up with the shiniest one out of pure desperation. bikini contest of appliance buying.

another goal is to try to eat all the food in the current fridge. so i don't have to move it. we're looking at frozen ravioli for dinner every night until february the 28th. i don't know why i'm worried about this. it's cold out. it's freezing actually. so what does it matter if i have to drive the cold food to the new fridge? it doesn't. i just don't want to put the old crap in the new fridge. the feta from 1984 and those olives with the film. it embarrasses me to think i'll start the new life in the new place with things i moved from the old place. and the place before that. it's time to pull the plug. but since i can't bear to waste the food...we have to eat. it. all.

meals are going to be sort of crappy for a while. consisting of the oldest food on half the plates with half the cooking implements. not that it matters because i'm only feeding me. matt has to hang out there so he can feed wood to the furnace. i'm thinking aslong as it's just me i'll burn through the perishables and then eat cereal. one box, one bowl, milk, spoon. minimalist. like the army if they got fruity pebbles instead of mre's.

can you sense the panic? i feel completely unprepared. like if i can't fill the boxes tonight i'll have to pay march rent. since i can't pack at work i've been making lists all day. of all the things i should pack when i get home. and another for all the things i can't pack yet. and then the things i can pack between the pack firsts and the pack lasts. i'm definitely putting liquor into the last pack category. not that i'm much of a drinker, but i feel a need to keep my options open.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

"the only ism hollywood believes in is plagiarism"

proof positive that whatever we do it will never be good enough. the adorable mimi is in the normal BMI range, but she's not normal enough. you have to be in the middle of normal to be normal. what's the point of normal if it isn't in fact good enough? that makes me grry. it also makes me totally glad that i haven't scheduled an annual yet. i really don't think i could handle her telling me i'm not doing enough.

if she told me it was a matter of eating less as dr. smartypants did there might be violence. as if that's the magical solution and nobody knows. i guess my physician actually wasn't that bad. she said i was over the normal range and she was right. it wasn't as negligible as not hitting the perfect middle of normal. forty pounds over normal is a different story. i guess i never considered that she might not be pleased with my progress, and now i have a new thing to be anxious about. goodie!

the big annual doctor fun will have to wait though. matt is 98% certain that we'll be in the new place by march 1st. which means i have to shake it with the packing. and the moving. i've been thinning out the clothes knowing there's no room for them, but that's probably the smallest issue i could have worried about. i need to start worrying about books. and movies. and cd's. and the dishes. sweet lord, the dishes. i've already started moving those and i still have 5 full shelves. and a drawer. it'll be great exercise, lifting boxes of books. the last time i moved my entire collection at once my father asked if i was hiding a body. painfully accurate, he was.

matt isn't all that worried but he doesn't have all those alphabetized cd's to move. he just has a neurotic girlfriend to deal with. child's play in comparison.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

"the sun's gone dim, the moon's turned black, for i loved him and he didn't love back"

back to mrs. p week. oh, and valentine's day. i've been thinking for a while about what i'll be doing for mr. me this year. last year we made dinner at home. i was doing the no carb thing which made meal planning rather difficult. i can't remember what i actually made for dinner, but i do remember what i made for dessert. chocolate mousse* from a recipe that is so easy and so close to sugar free that i almost didn't feel guilty about it.

i was so much more together last year. i haven't even made valentines yet, let alone planning any kind of meal. i did think of maybe cutting a filet mignon to look like a heart, but that might be kind of gross. i do have a heart shaped cake pan this year and it would be foolish not to use it on this occasion of all occasions, so i'll definitely be making a cake. that's all i've got. i think maybe we'll get takeout. then i won't have to think beyond frosting.

i've sort of gone back to the cooking doldrums. the only factors in my meal planning are whether or not matt needs lunch the next day. so he's been eating a lot of chicken at my house. where as i'm eating less. i'm thinking about going back to a more vegetarian diet, which i only stopped when i started dating matt. not that he cared, it was just too much to manage when everything else was so hard. it means planning more carefully about protein and preparing two main courses instead of one. i'm almost ready to do that full time. i've been skipping the chicken at home when i make it for matt. soon it might be a permanent switch. it's a hell of a lot cheaper to buy meat for one so there's an instant bonus. i'm starting to look forward to it, so probably there's no reason to wait.

*whip 10 ounces of heavy cream to soft peaks. melt 8 ounces very dark chocolate (60% cocoa atleast) in a double boiler/glass bowl on pot of water/microwave. allow chocolate to cool a few minutes, fold chocolate into cream, spoon into gorgeous glasses and chill. i use whipping cream instead simply because i can whip the remaining cream with a drop of vanilla and or sugar and use to serve so none of the cream is wasted. this should serve four. should...


it's really great what some people put into their search engines. the queries that bring people here never cease to make me laugh. this one:

does my boyfriend make me look fat

is particularly fun. i get a lot of does this or that make me look fat. the really fascinating part is deciding whether folks actually think the internets are going to give them an answer. google as magic eight ball. fascinating.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

"i hate almost all rich people, but i think i'd be darling at it."

that is to say that i've been spending a lot of money on myself lately. i've spent more time on amazon these last few weeks than i have in my whole life. i'm almost sure. yesterday i ordered some perfume (versace: bright crystal...mmm), i just got my almost full set of hardback harry potters in the mail, and i have a few books set to ship on their release dates. oh, and expensive jeans and new bras and, oh yeah, a new pair of shoes. i'm feeling sort of guilty about it...although it really doesn't cause a financial crisis. everything will be entered into the budget. accounted for. analyzed and immortalized in excel.

the perfume is much cheaper than in the one store i where i could walk in and buy it, if it weren't out of stock for the last month. the release date books (some ian rankin, not all rowling) are also cheaper than i can pick them up at borders, plus they'll show up free of charge instead of using two hours worth of gas. i have to accept that some new clothes are necessary, sometimes, and apparently shoes too. lastly, the 5 hardback harry potters, well that's just pure indulgence. i have them all in paperback. but i'm an ocd freak and it's really important to me that my set matches. so the 7th book will feel welcome when it arrives. you don't have to tell me, i know i'm a dork.

i've boiled it down to two probable causes. a) i'm jumping the gun on moving (psst...boiler man coming thursday. heat rocks!). which will make me comparatively rich and i can stop torturing myself over every cent (i picked up some* 2 cent cans of tomatoes this weekend...spaghetti forever...). or b) i'm filling the void where overeating and depression used to be. with shopping. i'm having a hard time deciding. defintely the poverty was a contributing factor to the depression. and the horrible nutritional choices. but i had thought i got over most of the emotional spending problem. i still think i have.

example: i've wanted the hp series in hardcover for ages and i've waited a damn long time to buy it for myself. why, i'm rational enough to know that i don't need them to survive and that they'll still be there when i have/had the extra money. see, that's healthy. also healthy...i'm not out buying tons of new stuff for the new house. i know i'll need something for a closet and curtains and probably even more closet/storage thingies. but i'm waiting. i'm looking around incase some great deal pops up but pretty much target will have the same plywood stuff i already own when i'm ready to buy it. i'm doubting there will be a plywood shortage.

probably it's something of both. it's actually sort of great to feel deserving and validated in spending a little. and not nauseas. as sometimes happens. i always thought that the new wardrobe i'd need would be my "reward" in this weightloss scenario. sort of inevitably. maybe taking an interest in my self again is the real reward.

*read 9. i'm a double coupon whore and i like it.

Monday, February 05, 2007

"you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

i'm having a mrs. parker week. i bought myself a book of her less published works and i'm just in love. a present of sorts because i've totally held on to 172 and dipped to 171 today. and we got pizza. from pizza hut. with a side of lard. as they're famous for.

it is cold as a witchs' teat today (technical term) and i can't think of anything good to say about it. i can't think at all because i left my coat in the car and it's too cold to get it.

thoughts that don't equal posts of their own:

has anyone else noticed their shoes getting too big as they lose? it's much more sad to think about giving away fat shoes than fat clothes. it might take me a while to make the break.

is it strange that fruity pebbles have more fiber than corn flakes? they're both fairly useless as foodstuffs i admit but sometimes it reminds me of fun parts of my childhood. knowing a serving of fruity pebbles has three grams of fiber makes me feel a little better. just don't ask about the sugar.

i have to get new holes in all of my belts. apparently i ditched all the skinny belts at some point and now i don't have any with enough holes on the small end. so matt is going to hole them for me. a boyfriend of many talents.

and now, tea.

Friday, February 02, 2007

"There are some things I can just smell. It's like a 6th sense." "Well, actually, that would be one of the five."

you know, it strikes me that i deleted that first post because it was boring and then i replaced it with more bore. the only other stuff i did today was file my taxes (the state of maine can bite me and my $5 tax bill) and go to lunch with the boyfriend. we went to subway. we live on the edge.

i forgot to mention before that i've held on to my 172 for three days now. i'm very happy and i'll be even happier if i can report that weight next monday. i have some healthy meals planned for the weekend. i'm also going to try to make baked beans. i'm not sure if that qualifies as healthy cooking but beans are always good for you. so much fiber. so much protein. there's a hell of a lot of sugar though...which is sort of the point with baked beans i suppose.

also in news, darling fluff is joining me on the road to the hellmouth for anyone else who's a buffy fan!

don't you wish you knew better by now when you're old enough not to

i just wrote this long ass post about the big day i have planned. i'm going to close out some credit cards. i wrote it because i'm worried about it even though i've researched it for months and it really won't make a difference for 7 years. but it was some kind of boring. even i was bored and i read money for fun. so, long story short: i'm ending a very depressing chapter of my life.

the chapter during which i was so broke, desperate and, well, fat obviously that i took a lot of risks with my credit...amongst other things. that chapter really sucked. this thing with closing out the accounts is really small in the long run, but i'm incredibly nervous about it. i wonder why? could it be my paralyzing fear of returning to that place? huh? you think? so i'm working through that and i'm going to cancel those cards. i have to start proving to myself that i'm not going to let things get that bad again. that i'm better. really better. and things will keep getting better.

it's not an easy thing to let go of all that fear. it's work to get better. and it's work to stay better. it's work to let go. somehow growing up it's a big secret how difficult life actually is. when my friend amy was visiting we had a long talk about this. teachers, parents, they tell you all you need to succeed in life is to get good grades, don't do drugs, do what you're told. yeah, right. that A in a. p. european history really makes surviving grief and staying out of debt that much easier. should've worked for an A+. that would have made the difference. is it just easier to ignore the harshness of reality and hope for the best? i'd like to think the mentors of my youth didn't have the heart to tell us that highschool and college and getting A's really don't mean anything. that they believed in the system, for what it was worth.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

"Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure."

i have officially given up hope of ever seeing the new bras i ordered. i just spoke to gap.com customer service. and now my brain is dead. they were unable to tell me why my package has been thus delayed. or when indeed it might arrive. they were unable to tell me why the tracking number they provided doesn't exist and is in fact completely useless. the rep. i spoke to didn't know the date. or that martin luther kind day was actually before the day i placed my order and therefor really couldn't be the cause of the delay. she said repeatedly that post office box addresses always take a long time. firstly...if this were the case they could mention it at checkout. secondly...everything i've ever bought for the last three years has come to my post office box with no issue. is this new? perhaps a new shipping method is being used? no, po boxes always take a long time. (insert pirate growl here) (and again here)

but the good news is that i can see the site now. no idea what that was all about. but i'm glad it's fixed because i'm at the end of my rope for handling stress today. my first customer this morning looked, acted, and berrated just like a quick change artist. it was my misfortune that he was actually right. i did short him. and i fixed it. it was my good luck that he walked away in a huff before i had to admit the mistake. if he hadn't been such an ass with a hole it would've been fixed in less than five minutes. telling my boss i'm incompetent took valuable time out of me solving your problem. moron.

fun facts to know and share: if you think your bank teller made a mistake, the last thing you do is take the cash out of her sight and put it next to your wallet on the counter where she can't see what you're doing. and then the really last thing you do is demand she give you more money. see, they call that bank robbery and that can turn ugly real fast.

so today sort of sucks. i think i might call customer service again just to vent. would that be morally objectionable? i'm pretty attached to those bras already.*

*i just called them again and wow! am i ever a happy customer. the lovely lady i spoke to said "gee, you really should have got that by now. let me call them and check on that for you. rats, their line is busy. let me re-send that package to you express for monday. and oh wait, they're on sale now! so you'll be seeing a credit. is there any other way i can help you?" and then i cried. if i was going to make a baby someday i'd name it after her. i'm that pleased.

"It's just like fun, only boring."

sooo, i can't see the site at all. apparently i can post just fine but who knows if anyone can see it. it's a mystery. i'll be working on it...as much as one can when one has no idea what the error actually is. more later...