10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Cold hard truth

It's true dammit! Some one finally discovered facts to prove that women lose weight more slowly. Bless them.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

High water

That title works on two levels because I totally ordered the pasta alfredo and ate it all but also because it's raining cats and poodles and I think my boyfriend drowned. Probably not but he's still outside sandbagging the waterfall in our driveway and if he's not actually drowned he's definitely grumpy. The good news is the well is full. Heh.

The good part about that dinner being over is that it's the last time we'll be eating out for a while. I'm placing a ban. Not only does it cost money and make me fat but also I have a deep desire to get my cooking on. Since I bought the new knives of much panting I've been doing a lot more cooking. It's amazing how the right tools make everything more fun. Tomorrow I'm stir frying some portabellas and I can't wait to chop them up. My old knives complained about chopping mushrooms, I didn't realize how very very bad they were until I wrote that, they were total chopping wimps.

Which leads me to me being a wimp. I'm not doing so hot with the getting back on track. The food nonsense is over, at least in the way of obligations, but I haven't lifted a finger toward sweating on purpose. My time gets all eaten up by things like dooce posting video of Prince covering Radiohead and playing with my new Adobe Photoshop and generally screwing around. I'm a bad, bad Amy. I need a time out. Actually I need a schedule engraved on some granite plinths for my living room. It has become obvious to me that I'm not going to fall into some swimsuit edition exercise routine by accident so I'm scheduling it. I can't be trusted to make it a priority so I'm going to schedule an activity a day and cross it off like a to do list until I get back into the swing...or a swimsuit, whatever. This lounging around waiting to get skinny is pathetic and sad. No one ever wasted into nothing watching tv and eating creamsicles. I don't know why I have to keep inventing the wheel on this crap, it's getting very old.

Monday, April 28, 2008

"When a tan loves a woman"

I'm baking cookies for the boyfriend and I as I selected my ingredients I thought to myself "why not try the Ghirardelli recipe?". Don't ever do this. The cookies are amazing but the dough is even better and you'll find yourself drowning in creamed butter and that's a bad thing. I'm coming off a bad food week plus some and I really think my plight would be lessened if these cookies didn't exist.

Last week was sort of rotten. Rotten in the way that there was a lot of leftover pizza and eating out and then more leftovers. This weekend was no different and even though I sort of feel like crap it's hard going back on salads and also we have to go out tomorrow night AGAIN! Can't begrudge a birthday but all of these "issues" and having to eat out and whatever stem from doing things for others and I guess I'm feeling a little thin. Ironic. I did go to trader joes while I was home and bought lots of exciting fruits and cheeses and I did have a very fabulous salad for lunch today, it's just work. Which is completely stupid. I hate myself for thinking that eating a healthy salad is work and microwave mac and cheese is so much easier except that eating it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. Anyway I ate my salad and I didn't pack any chocolate for work and this is a one day at a time deal and I'm ordering a damn salad tomorrow come hell or pasta alfredo.

In other news, I'm very disappointed in Sweden. I truly believed that I would go to IKEA and find the world's best desk and then I would dance with joy (and burn some calories). It didn't happen that way. I got some adorable roasting pans and plant pots and pretty much spent 60 dollars on things I really didn't need just to fill the desk shaped void in my heart. It was that sad. I'm still not over it. Clearly. The lack of perfect desks has forced me to draw something for the boyfriend to build. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I'm in an I want it now phase of my home decorating and what with the job and all it's hard for him to bow to all my demands in a timely manner no matter how many beatings. What can you do?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It's supposed to be "a vague disclaimer"

And also I think I used it before as a title so that's two no-nos and all in one post. Whoops! Apparently Best Buy keeps an eye out for mentions on blogs because someone stopped by after yesterday's post. Dear Best Buy scoper outer, the computer might be fine now but can I tell you about my DVD player because that's still very broken and still very much only a year old and funny enough I bought it at Best Buy.

I keep accidentally telling people that I got my wedding dress. It's almost as good as the day I told those french speaking tourists that the breakfast place was up the block and a la guerre. Only an american will tell you to go to war to get breakfast. What I should have said is that the bridesmaid dress that Holly got for me arrived and it almost fits! All I need is a ton of exercise, 6 months of starvation and a bra made of titanium. I'm not that negative about it, it actually looks pretty good. I'm a little to short and a little too busty but I expected that. Heels and a good bra should do the trick, probably heavy metal won't be required. I do have 6 months to find a tailor and shoes and get that starvation thing underway.

I've been trying not to think about the wedding in terms of "oh my god, I have to be skinny by then" because since when is that helpful. That sort of pressure doesn't motivate me. I'm more motivated by milestones in exercise and feeling good eating right. Not to say that I've had any of that this week. We did spend about an hour lugging brush tonight which was excellent exercise, I can tell from the dying. It turns out that trees are heavy and if I had realized that sooner I might not have been so eager to help. We're clearing the area where the orchard will be (yay!) and it's an awful lot of work. It smells nice though, I'm dirty but pine fresh. We have another acre to do for the garden, it's worth at least 5 pounds. At least.

"a vague threat is nobody's friend"

Last night Matt and I had to go out to dinner for a birthday. We were late but grandma was thrilled anyway. It's been a busy week and the restaurant is right next to a grocery store so I dragged a sleepy Matt over for tea and broccoli, staff of life and all that. And who do we run into but my Jamaican workforce. Who were pleased to see me and displeased to see Matt and told him several times, with shaking fingers, that if he wasn't good to me they'd be happy to take over. Heh. Honesty is a virtue I suppose.

It will amuse some of you who know me and my computer skills well enough to learn that I am the technical wizard at my job. It's amusing all around, especially when there is some computer emergency and they call me to fix it. Yesterday we tried to set up password protect on a very important computer. My boss is generally afraid of computers and doesn't want anything to happen to them. This is why we were passwording it in the first place only when I tried to set up a simple screensaver log on window it said there was already a password. There are some things I can do on the Mac that require a password so I tried to get the evil like satan windows vista machine to give it up and make me enter a password...without logging off of very important computer. I mentioned this to the primary user who said "I know what to do" and logged off. This is where the funny comes in because we didn't have the password. We entered every possible and whoops, nothing. I had to call the evil as satan geek squad who couldn't possibly help me over the phone and suggested I take the entire computer to Best Buy, have them back it up and then wipe it clean and start over. Help desk my ass. That's not helping. "Oh, you cut your finger...let's amputate and see if it grows back". What the hell kind of tech support is that? This would be the point where my head exploded because you do not tell your boss you have to wipe the computer clean after trying to set up a password. It's also the exact point when my boss ambled in on some other errand and said "I didn't mean for this to be so hard..." and wandered away again without really understanding that the computer was moments away from being a paperweight. Thank god, or buddha, everybody.

I sent some frantic emails to some very kind people and was in the process of creating a re-set disc from the locked computer's technological twin when they got the password...the very password the computer told me it couldn't accept because there was already a password. If I wasn't so relieved I would have run over it with a tractor. Seriously, it was an Office Space moment waiting to happen. At some point we have to do the same thing to the other half of the pair but we're not logging off of that bastard...not ever. And I'm making 7 re-set discs and I'll wear them like talismans and also I'll go to church that day and do the rosary wearing a hair shirt while I write a big fat tithe check. Desperate times, desperate measures. Even though my new iMac sometimes quits adobe the very second I have the photo perfect and that sometimes makes me cranky, I'll forgive it eternally because it's not a freaking Dell Vista piece of crap. It's important to count one's blessings, I think.

Monday, April 21, 2008

"I don't like skinny women"

I'm in love with a boy at work. Not only did he say, at 22, that he's definitely younger than me but today he said he prefers...err...rounder women. Could he be any more endearing? If anyone reading lives in Maine and has a fondness for Magic the Gathering players write me and I'll set you up. It's wrong on all sorts of levels but I love days at work when the bitterness isn't mine. I seem to have successfully put it all in a box, at least for now, and it's much better for the body and soul. I'm very much at peace right now and trying to get my own things in order. Some of that involves buying things like desks and computer programs and plane tickets which does make me a little nervous with the spending but I need to live my life my way eventually.

I need a workspace at home and I'm completely in love with Adobe and I really want to go to BlogHer this year but mostly I need a desk before my arms fall off. I have adult things to do like work and file and I need a desk damnit! so I'm getting one. It's harder than I thought because I don't want some cheap piece of crap, it's time to start buying furniture I like instead of furniture I can easily afford and also it has to fit in my house. Pretty much I have to get to IKEA and make a decision. It's time to have an office and get organized. I'm trying very hard to get things together and move forward and yadda yadda yadda. Be a grown-up is my theme for the year, 2008 is the year of maturity and also a lot of shopping. Computers and programs and desks and some medium fancy kitchen knives that make me tingle all over.

I hate being a spender but it's true that you can only deny for so long and some things add to the quality of your life more than they add to the clutter and I really love those knives. I want to go chop something right now, if I could chop and type I would. Sugarcrook pointed me to a knife book a while back and I've been meaning to get a new set for ages. The more research you do on knives the more you want to spend but I'm not that comfy so I bought a cheap set of J. A. Henkels at Target. I keep thinking that if I'm this hot and bothered over the trailer park cousins of the super excellent knives I'll want to marry the real thing. I have something to save for again as soon as I buy my new office set-up. Goals are a good thing right?

Fool's Energy

On day one of babysitting my dad asked me if we needed any groceries and I gave him a list and on it was coke. He brought me a case. According to the number of cans I brought home, I drank 5 in three days. Sad, sad, sad. I'm very tired and I really don't think the soda helped me keep up with the children, neither did the cookies or the pizza for breakfast. I gained two pounds over three days of babysitting. You know that saying "an inability to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part", I didn't plan and I ate like it was an emergency and it wasn't. Clearly my dad would have brought me anything I wanted and I didn't ask for salad and fruit. I have to go back next weekend for a birthday and there's another birthday dinner on tuesday, it's going to be a long week of walks and salads and cake mixed in.

The children wore me out completely. Three days have never passed so fast in all my life. I knew going in it would be hard and I should count myself lucky that they're not the sort of kids who cry over being with babysitters. Maybe it's different when it's family, I don't know. I wish I had thought of more fun stuff to do, mostly we played in the dirt and then blew bubbles with dish soap bubble stuff (get dirty and then play in soap, I'm a genius).

I'm finding it hard to sum up my weekend. I had all these grand schemes of writing and being brilliant but it turns out that all of my sister's neighbors have passwords for their wireless networks, bastards, and also I spent every minute the children weren't awake cleaning up noodles and cookie slime and sleeping myself. I brought some netflix to watch and didn't even get close. Instead I have every line of Dora Saves the Mermaids lasered on my brain. Not that Dora was all bad, there was an island with pirate piggies and one of them had a peg leg and I really wonder who ate it because pigs that solve problems by dancing the conga probably don't have raging sea battles. Mmmm, barbecue.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I have lots to do so obviously I'm blogging it

I bought a very cheap dvd player yesterday. I feel conflicted about it but I'm going away this weekend and I'm taking the computer and someone has Cannonball Run to watch while I'm gone and it would be cruel to deny him. And also it was 30 dollars and it'll probably last till I die given the current state of things. It might be the best thing I ever bought, so I'm conflicted but full of hope. I have a lot to do today to get ready, I'm leaving tonight to babysit for the weekend. I'm feeling stressed about getting ready for the trip which I'm sure will be very amusing in hindsight of events to follow. I am forever in awe of my sister, I only have a cat and I'm struggling getting out the door on time.

The very bad thing is that I should be walking right now. I mastered no chocolate last week and this week I added move your ass, so I've been taking a 2 mile walk every morning. Until today because I left so much undone last night. Obviously I'm not doing it now because I'm very clearly blogging, one must prioritize. I felt this need to document the walks and how they didn't kill me incase I'm not inclined to start again on Monday. Getting those two miles in makes me feel like I have something to be proud of for the rest of the day and then I don't have to worry about whether or not I get in other exercise at night...which is quite difficult lately. I'm sure the children will keep me running this weekend, and if the weather's nice we'll be playing and going for walks and if I didn't still have to pack I'd be feeling very optimistic right now.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Slim Mints

Almost exactly a year ago I bought a new dvd player. I scrimped and saved and checked consumer reports and then went to Best Buy and paid 200 dollars for a fancy dvd player which holds five discs and has five speakers and five is really the magic number here because it died exactly that many days after the warranty ended. Ironical. It's not completely fair to say it's "dead". It's quite rude of me I'm sure because the radio still works and who doesn't need the radio feature on their dvd player to work, radio is a very special feature after all and clearly it's not dead dead if the radio works. AARGH! This is a pirate growl moment if ever there was one.

I'm pissed about the dvd player. I've lived here for 4 years and I've gone through 4 dvd players and that's just not right. The money, the waste, it's very annoying. I purposely sprung for the fancy reliable one (consumer reports approved people!) so as not to have to replace it in exactly a year. I'm not sure what to do now. Matt thinks I stress them with my use and I think I'm cursed or maybe I kicked a puppy in my last life but I think the fact that karma is targeting only the dvd player is a little bit specific for a force of cosmic balance. Probably I overuse it.

I like noise in my house and I don't have cable so I play movies or tv shows on dvd pretty much all the time. I hang with Hyacinth while I'm cleaning and I watch Firefly while I'm baking. Sometimes I listen to music but at heart I'm a tv addicted dork and I admit it freely. The player broke this weekend and it's been really quiet. I played some vhs tapes and it was like watching cave paintings being made. It was kind of nostalgic actually, like any minute your best friend is going to throw Rolos at you or put your underwear in the freezer. Anyway, dvd players in my house get a lot of use and I just don't know what to do. Complex electronics should not be disposable but I'm certain it will cost as much as a new one to fix the old one and god knows when it'll go down the drain again. Philosophic questions such as these require much thought and also snacks.

Which leads me to wondering if anyone else has been shocked by their girl scout cookies this year? To complain about one's girl scout cookies is to admit that one is eating them and I do. It's a regular confessional in here today except that I never did learn the rosary properly. Catholic insanity aside, the quality of our samoas and thin mints really sucks. Those are of course the only kind we buy and so I have no idea if Tagalong admirers are suffering or not. I hope not. It's very upsetting when 20 years of snacking memories are wiped away by a single box. Girl scout cookies are so much more about the longing than the actual product but this year the longing is dead like my dvd player. I grilled my sister about her cookies and she said she didn't notice so I'm wondering if it's a Maine cookie conspiracy. Our cookies are pallid and sad looking and to prove their unworthyness we opened the box last week and they're still on the counter. They might as well be brussels sprouts. Next year I think I'll just write them a check. I never thought eating cookies would make me so depressed.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

"This isn't a tupperware party, it's a little hard to plan"

I had to hide from a gay man in Target today. I've been thinking lately that my life is really boring and that nothing interesting happens to me anymore but that's not actually true. The true truth is that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been able to think and write and tell my stories. And then you find yourself ducking behind displays of discount lingerie and you think that life can't go on if you don't find a way to blog this. It was pure instinct to hide in the lingerie section, I figured of all the places in Target mr. scary gay man wouldn't visit, number one would be the discount panty aisle. In retrospect I shouldn't have been so afraid of anyone driving a yellow volkswagen beetle. The thing is that that parking space was mine. MINE. And it was a little unnecessary to park behind me and gesture like that. All I could think was "I hope Fried Green Tomatoes isn't his favorite movie". I guess he was more of a Steel Magnolias kind of guy because he didn't trash my car.

I ended up sitting with the doors locked pretending to look for something in my purse like a big sissy waiting for him to give up and park somewhere else and then ran like hell when he was gone. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER. And then I called my sister because who do you call when you're hiding out from a bitch slapping, hair pulling showdown in Target? What's the protocol for a situation like that? What would that handy yellow survival book say under parking lot scuffles? I bet it says hide in the panties, I'm sure of it. Anyway I didn't go to Target for underthings so I had to venture out to greeting cards eventually and did in fact spend the whole time peeking around corners just in case. I felt very exposed at the register, it was painful. Why is it in Target that there are five cars outside and yet the lines are fifty people long. Is that some kind of clown car Target shopping algebra equation that defies the laws of physics? It was very tense for me.

My whole shopping day was ruined with the tension. I walked through the gap and I kept thinking it was sort of a shame that we didn't end up having a fight in the parking lot and then becoming friends and then we could go shopping together. Probably that only happens in movies. In real life you get run over by a yellow volkswagen or maybe he says something hurtful about your shoes. It's been a very hard day.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here"

Three days. I've passed the hump. Yay for me. I'm very impressed with myself. I'm also very impressed with the growth of our sprouts. Did I mention we're growing a farms worth of veggies in our kitchen? It's very exciting. It would be more exciting if there weren't still snow covering the stumps that are in the field that will be the garden but what can you do? Clearly we have a lot of work to do to further our gardening endeavors. We're growing lots of exciting things, soon we'll have fresh herbs and later we'll have fresh veggies and potatoes and also cat nip. I can't wait for summer, I really can't. Gardening is going to be good for me on so many levels, wonderful exercise and all that fresh food to eat. I'm growing tons of tomatoes to can so I can win my suzy homemaker award and prepare for the apocalypse at the same time.

It's a good thing we're growing all that cat nip because the warm weather is bringing the chairman a bath. It's not so much that she stinks, she's just musty. I don't understand it, I hardly ever keep her in a drawer. And also she bathes often of the tongue variety and there's no reason for her to be so dirty. My new friend at work has a Maine Coon too and hers gets a bath once a month. I think the Chairman would tunnel through a wall if she had a bath every month. Or kill us in our sleep. Hard call. Anyway, my cat stinks and she needs a washing and I'm worried about it. I know she could take me, she's buff and has a furry will of iron. If the blog goes cold it's because the fur overlord has taken me down, wish me luck.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

day two

Another day chocolate free. It's not so much that I think chocolate abstinence is the way to go on forever. I agree that chocolate has benefits and I definitely don't think a life without chocolate would be worth living I just don't want it to be some stupid fat ass crutch that I can never get rid of. I'm going to try to go the week without bringing chocolate to work. I can hardly think of any days in March that I didn't have a candy attack and that's not good. I think every thing will go better for me when I take better care of myself and even if it doesn't I'll still feel better and have something to be proud of. I'm making it a goal to not pack chocolate for work this whole week. It's much easier to avoid it when I'm home, I feel much less under pressure.

In other news I have a dress for my best friends wedding. What more can you ask of a bride than to find, buy and ship you your very own clearance bridesmaid dress. Good service! It's not so much that I've been avoiding buying a dress for myself, it's just hard. She picked a size fourteen which should work well for altering. I hope anyway. It's the right color and the right price and I'm sure I'll be so busy bridesmaiding I'll hardly even register what I look like. Until I see the pictures. I think I need to accept right now that I'm going to think my arms are fat in every picture and just get over it because if I'm not willing to do push-ups every day until October there's no point weeping over the end result. Anyway, the dress deal is done unless it doesn't zipper which would really teach me a lesson about getting my act together. Now I just need shoes. Don't suppose she'll be up to mailing me those too...

Monday, April 07, 2008

along the lines of bill w.

I did not have any chocolate today, principally because I didn't pack any for lunch. I decided this weekend that I'm not going to let stress make me a big fat whiner so I'm taking control of the things I can. Pilates in half an hour and eight glasses of water and no chocolate and also flossing, what more can you do? We're not expecting tomorrow is going to be a good day and the last thing the designer said to me was to pack chocolate. Crap, I need something better for me to rely on for stress relief, like say exercise. I suppose chocolate every day is better than liquor but not by much when you're trying to get healthy.

Here's to a better week with better choices and less stress and hopefully not too much yelling. Positive thinking and planning all around and lots of tea to take the place of the pounds and pounds of chocolate I ate in March. Here's to April and less fatty goodness.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

hope burns eternal

I'm finding it very difficult to gather myself for the, err, coming struggles. One minute I feel super confident and the next I just wish I could go back in time. I'm really trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and something positive will come of this but mostly I think I'm being punished for making a mistake. Which is very dramatic I know. I think the root of the problem is that I'm punishing myself. I stopped exercising, I stopped being a scrupulous saver and I started believing that maybe I could stand being belittled as long as it pays well. That's not taking charge of your life, in the traditional sense.

I have removed the rest of this, better to not be in the public view after all. Patience is a virtue.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Thursday, April 03, 2008

"you want me to admit I'm an asshole? Sign a statement swearing I'm an asshole?"

Today was a rough day and I don't want to talk about it. Which is obviously why I'm blogging about it. Speaking of things that make me cranky, we watched "who killed the electric car?" and it was very annoying. It's fascinating in that I had thought bio-diesel was the way to go but now I'm thinking plug-in hybrid and pretty much anything that doesn't put money in bush's pocket. Unfortunately battery only might not work here in the super cold, even bio-diesel isn't great in the sub-zero temps. Prius might be as good as it gets in the great cold ass north.

My jaw has been fused by stress for the last few days. Which strangely hasn't kept me from eating everything before me. I have no excuse, it's stress eating and you'll feel better if you eat this eating and pretty much stupid eating. I haven't gained any weight yet it's just depressing because I know I'm only eating because I'm grumpy. I used to snack at work because I was bored and somehow that was easier to put a stop to, have some tea and get over it. Now it's more difficult especially because I don't even keep a tea cup at work anymore. I even took my "personal" pens home so the business can't unduly profit from my used bics, that's how grumpy I am.

What to do, what to do. I'm searching the want ads and pulling out my pilates mat tomorrow. Yesterday I used my stepper and today I went up and down the actual stairs a hundred times...which has to count for something. I realized today that I really want to be running. It's probably a highly symbolic form of exercise for me at the moment, I want to jog and think and work out the GRRR. I thought the kickboxing would be good for that but it's sort of difficult to keep up with the routines when your mind is so busy. You really have to pay attention to what you're punching and kicking or you get all turned around and step on your cat. Fact. The thought of running is so freeing. If I wasn't ready to walk out on my job at any minute I'd totally buy a treadmill.

Clearly I'm editing this post the next day. It's become really difficult to think about normal things and god forbid write anything worthwhile when my brain is absorbed in thinking about how I made a big mistake and risks are bad and how will I feed the cat and pay the dsl bill if I quit tomorrow? Some days I think I can survive anything and some days I can't and clearly I'm going insane because all I can think about is post-it notes.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

"The truth is there's always more down"

So, I want to say right now that I've worked pretty hard not to whine about the job lately. I'm trying very hard to be a grownup and accept responsibility for my decision and tough it out. There are two things I do every day now that I work where I work, prepare for a fight and pack chocolate for lunch. Today I offered some of my lunch chocolate to my work BFF and I mentioned how compelled I am to eat chocolate since I started this job. She said "me too, it's because we're abused". We're always discussing our plight: educated, employed white women in the free world. And then we laugh at our hypocrisy. In all honesty though, she's very concerned about starting her career at a place with such a shady reputation. I'm just annoyed to be treated badly, I don't really care about the impact on my career because I don't see my future as an administrative assistant. Maybe that's foolish of me but mostly I just think about the money so I'd put my bets on shallow over foolish.

Anyway, today I wasn't prepared for a fight. Every time I do my job I prepare myself to defend whatever I've done. For example, the printer calls and says you need to approve the proof before the catalogue can go to print. The catalogue getting printed is a priority of the boss' so you go to the printer and approve the print. There a few things the boss could say in this example. If you're very lucky he will be on the phone and will never notice you are gone. He could say "that was fast and efficient how you handled that errand, what a stellar employee I have here". He could say "I thought that was taken care of" and then you have to explain the process and he swears up and down that he's never had to do that before and it's probably true because a) he doesn't do it and b) I wouldn't explain it to him if I didn't have to either.

In today's real life scenario, the embroiderer came to deliver some samples. As the boss went down to talk to the embroider he said "I need an inventory of the shirts we have". I went to my office, tidied the project I was working on and returned to his office to do the inventory. We will be starting work in two weeks (unofficially), I presumed we would like to have our inventory complete before 30 employees arrive that need shirts so we can order what we need. Apparently I put the pre in sumed because my boss says to me that my taking on this project at this moment must mean that I have nothing to do and he'll have to take a look at my to do list. I wasn't prepared to argue with him, I just said I thought we'd like the inventory before we start work. He said he doesn't need it right now so why am I wasting my time on it. Like doing everything at the last minute is a work ethic I need to embody.

He also takes issue with the number of post-it notes I have on my "desk" (quotes because it's not a desk at all, it's a fucking counter and I just feel a need to moan about it) because he thinks they all represent unfinished projects. He used this against me today, it's one of his favorites. Mostly they're reminders and not very important. I have a running list of needed office supplies, I have a note to call a lady who is never home or has caller id which I would totally understand, and notes of his appointments to help me remind him. There is not one single half finished project note. I guess I should be glad that at least I know he doesn't read them. Which makes me wonder if he'll notice that I took all of my personal things home tonight. Not that I kept many there. I also grabbed my yogurt out of the fridge because if I'm quitting I'm going to need to ration that yogurt.

Tomorrow I have a worker's comp. conference. My chocolate buddy asked if I was still going when she saw me cleaning my desk and I said yes, I can always put it on my resume. Maybe I'll cool down enough tomorrow and remember the big fat check and find a way to take the abuse until I find something else. Right now I'm not sure it's worth it.