10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Friday, April 28, 2006


the gap online store is having a 40% off sale. how badly do i want to click? it's killing me. there are two issues at work here: money and fat. when i made my budget i gave myself as much money for shopping as i could reasonably afford. it's a bit like dieting for the wallet. you can do a little shopping every month on a budget just like you can indulge in moderation on a diet.

i'm not sure which i miss more...the gap clearance rack or boxes of fudge rounds. tough. but also, i don't want to spend a ton of money on clothes that hopefully won't fit me all that long. i want to live in the present but be mindful of the future, and the impending thinness. i've been telling myself "there will be still be clothes to buy when you're skinnier". one of my biggest issues is feeling like i'm missing out and i'm working really hard on it. the shopping is just another facet of that.

however, i am planning to go shopping tomorrow. it seems like a REALLY long wait. a whole day. it's sort of a long story that when i tell it will show alot of why my boyfriend shakes his head at me in confusion. you see, there's this pair of pants that i want to try on. at my fattest in january i had to go for this job interview. i really thought i wanted this job so i had to get some decent clothes that actually fit. i went to the gap (read: the only decent store at the bangor mall*). i've fit into their 14 pants and 16 jeans for a long time (read: too long) but atleast i haven't gotten fatter. until this day when i had to buy 16's in dress pants.

the problem with buying 16's, above and beyond feeling like a fat ass in a bigger size than you last bought, is that i'm not 7 feet tall. in jeans i have to buy the ankle version of their jeans and still they hit the floor. they don't make ankle versions of dress pants because i guess you're supposed to have a dazzling selection of adorable high heels to wear with them. but i don't, i'd have to tailor them and then i couldn't return them (after) if i needed to. so i'm in a dressing room debating between the 16's that look relatively normal except for the 5 extra inches at the hem or the 14's that defy the laws of physics to hold in my thighs but aren't all that long. life is a bitch.

but a fat bitch, so i bought the 16's. the plan was to go home, weep, and then take up the hem. as it turned out something else i already owned and didn't cost sixty dollars and didn't have to be hemmed fit well enough for the interview. so i took back the fat pants. i've been waiting for them to go on sale since january. and now they are i'm dying to see if the 14's fit. despite the humiliating dressing room day, i fucking loved those pants. if the 14's fit i'm going to buy them. and then raise my fist to the sky in triumph.

*for anyone who shops at bangor i feel the need to add that new york and co. is also sometimes decent but is also often polyester imbalanced in it's selections.

mysogynist typing school

"i thin the goal to not eating all night is not being in the damn house."

what is that...a freudian typo?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

somewhere between 185 and 184

i really wish the dial was magnified. i must scare the neighbors with my daily cursing at 6 am. i would find that 184.5 impossible except that i didn't really eat yesterday. i made really yummy portobella fajitas for dinner. any other day i would have eaten two but one was enough. and then i spent the evening in the park. i thin the goal to not eating all night is not being in the damn house. tuesday i spent the evening shopping and ate only the dinner i planned. i haven't had any trouble getting all my exercise in the morning so hence forth evenings are to be spent doing something until i can get used to not snacking out of boredom.

i really enjoyed the park last night. there was only one other car, wisconsin, and the sun was shining. i wanted to hike some trails, but i was wearing flipflops (moron). i had only intended to take some pictures but when i got there i was bummed i didn't plan better. though, probably it's not the best time of year to hike alone. no one would find me if i died, or broke an ankle on the precipice. except maybe the coyotes...but i did get this picture out of it!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

fat for film

i'm kind of bummed about toni collete (colette, collette...too lazy to google). i always thought she was one of the few good and attractive actresses who got really great parts despite not being the hollywood anorexic ideal. but no. on the special features of in her shoes (v. cute by the way) she said it was really hard for her to gain weight for this role. i'm completely blown away. i loved her believing that she represented normal women and did so much in an industry which so vehemently shuns reality and those that represent it. but then it's not her job to represent the fat girls who yearn to see themselves reflected in media, it's her job to go to work and make money just like anyone else. i, myself, take pride in representing fat girl bank tellers everywhere...but then that's me.

ofcourse, i still love her. she's still ridiculously talented and adorable and i love anyone who gets to tell hugh grant she's not attracted to him on film. but she's skinny. i can't believe she put on 25 pounds for that role and she's still more svelte than anyone i know in real life. damn it, i need a job where i get paid to put on 25 pounds. she swore she'd never get fat for a role again, but as they say the proof is in the pudding. if there's a shortage of fat girls in hollywood i'm on the first plane.


i even checked the needle twice, 185. it's a god damn miracle. another miracle is that someone actually noticed the loss last night. 'course it was my hairdresser and i do essentially pay her to say nice things to me.* she asked if i had lost alot of weight and i said ten pounds. i guess that is alot, but not as much as eleven. from where i am right now, i think i'd like to lose about thirty more. i'll still be overweight by official standards but i don't care. ofcourse, if i set a goal i have to stop being a slacker. i've been exercising like a fiend but not really cooking for myself. cereal for dinner has become a reflex.

however, i bought a new cookbook: mark bittman's how to cook everything. it's not particularly diet-y, but i'm hoping it will inspire me to cook as much as that compliment last night inspired me to set a goal again. so thirty pounds. i've been thinking about it for a few days. i don't think i weighed myself before january of this year so i have no idea what 155 pounds will look like. maybe i'll be satisfied before then but i'm not going to push for more.

i've been thinking lately about how much fat there is that hides all over my body. i had been so happy with my new muscular legs and rump i haven't been looking at the rest of my body. looking at my neck and my shoulders and my arms i really see where 185 pounds goes. i worry most about my waist but losing my tummy won't make me a thin person. i want to lose fat there, but there's so much more. i think that's part of why i didn't think i looked like was losing any weight. if you lose a tiny bit from your shoulders and your ass and everywhere else you don't see a whole lot of change in the mirror.

so i'm starting again with the goal in mind. i'm also going to start running again. last time i started the three minutes a day program i was very determined to shed pounds so i walked/ran in the morning and then i walked at lunch and then i did pilates at home. that sucked. the shin splints alone made me slow down and i stopped running in favor of higher impact walking. now that i'm stepping (which doesn't bother my shins at all) i'm going to add running back. i'm also going to get some real running shoes. i've been telling myself i don't deserve to spend the money on them because i have perfectly good cross trainers. it's not the same thing to run in running shoes as it is to run in cross trainers and i wonder why it hurt so much to run.

so, recap the new program:
maintain 4-5 days of exercising, stop buying cookies.
mini goal 1. cook more, center on vegetables. i used to be a vegetarian for heaven's sake.
mini goal 2. get running and stick to minute program to reach 30 minutes of running.
big fat goal...lose 30 pounds +/- by dedicating self to above mini goals.

*she's rather overweight herself so i think she must have meant it, fat girls have acute pound counting super vision(r).

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

photo tour, extremely random

pier in hulls cove at sunrise

what every crosswalk looks like.

my favorite store!

harbor master's boat and summer pier.

lahbstah men.


main street from two angles.

random ass rowboat, with lovely white background...


i stepped 1100 steps* this morning. i only meant to do 1000 but apparently i can't do math. good thing i work with money and numbers ALL DAY. i've been working to beat my last high number every time i use the machine so it's really in my favor that i can't add because now i have to beat 1100 in fifteen minutes. tomorrow.

i promised pictures today, and pictures there will be. but not until lunch when i go to the library. i don't have home internet because it's a luxury i can't afford. not that i'm still harping on that or anything. not me.

*does one step a step, or climb a step...or do you really have to be climbing to climb. writing for fitness bloggers should be a topic at BlogHer.

Monday, April 24, 2006


i posted earlier about my weekend and it's suckiness. blogger was down so it didn't publish. it was maybe a little bitter and i'm feeling better now, so to hell with it. it wasn't actually fat related at all. it was even more humiliating, it was about money. and the enormous debt i carry and have carried (transfering from zero interest to zero interest) for a few years. it's very simple. when my mom got sick i was just making ends meet. if i'd started selling my plasma i'd have felt rich.

when she got sick i had to come home and visit alot. i mean i wanted to, but i didn't really have a choice either. without actually checking the statements (i've cried enough today) i'd estimate i spent 60-75 dollars a weekend to go home. multiplied by four weekends in a month. by twelve months a year. it equals a whole lot of debt and also self loathing.

it caused alot of stress while my mom was still alive and i talked briefly about it with my father. he said "well, you need a better job or you'll have to move home". neither of those were really options, above and beyond the fact that no one gets to tell me what to do anymore. changing jobs, moving house and building a new support structure are not things you do when your mom is dying. unless you take alot of drugs. so i wasn't going to move for a job and i definitely wasn't going to move home to live with a control freak, a crazy cancer patient and a schizophrenic alcoholic. so i took on the debt. i've probably mentioned this whole drama a thousand times, but as it's the bain of my existence it comes up alot.

so, yeah. it all sucked and i got fat and i got into bad debt and i spent alot of nights listening to the smiths and crying and talking to my cat. it was pathetic on all fronts. but it's been a year now and things are very different. my debt will be gone by 2007 and i'm ten pounds closer to a "healthy" weight. i'm at peace with this 99.99% of the time. and then my sister asks me why i'm on a budget. and i foolishly tell her. i didn't tell her how much debt i have, i don't believe that it's any of her business. she seems to think that i'm in desperate need of help (it's a little late) and is planning to talk to my father about it all.

she kept saying "dad can give you ten thousand tax free". does than mean she's received tons of money from them? i've never asked for money but i always get the "you need a better job" or some such speech if i say i can't afford something. and then she really pissed me off by saying netflix is a luxury i can't afford. the woman has digital cable, internet and gets her hair professionally colored. a measured and carefully planned $20 a month expense is too much of a luxury but you expect me to come twice a month at 7 times the cost. unfortunately i didn't get to tell her to fuck off because we were surrounded by babies.

i'm certainly growing more incoherent but i do feel better. i'll be damned if i'm going to let them shame me now that i'm almost free and i did it all on my own.

Friday, April 21, 2006

187 if i lean a little to the left

which of course is cheating. but who cares. there's no ref in weightloss.

in exercise news, i walked my ass off taking pictures of town today. i'm going away for the weekend so they'll be posted tuesday. i'm going home to NH so it's not like vacation, but it's so different than where i live that it feels like a vacation. and there's non-stop eating...maybe it's really a cruise. we're going for my niece's birthday. so there will be alot of cake in addition to the normal food.

any visit to my sister's house is like walking through the bakery section of a supermarket. i've never seen any two people eat so much junk. and she's not fat. she thinks she's fat but no. she's had three babies and is gorgeous, i've had no babies and i'm like pooh bear. she wears the same size as i do but it's a different thing altogether. she's taller than i am and has wider hips. she presents a more trim appearance than i do, despite eating cake from dusk till dawn. but she still thinks she's fat.

so home is a dangerzone as far as food is concerned. i'm hoping to be able to do some of the cooking but it's not likely. usually it's an eat out or take away all you can eat extravaganza when i visit the family. maybe i'll put the stepper in the car...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

190, 187. respectively

i have been in a serious funk this week. finally it has stopped raining and it is beyond beautiful in town today. i feel like i'm back from the dead or something. i've spent much of this week roaming my house looking for something to do...mostly eating a lot of random food. alas, it's over now. i'm assuming it was a wicked combination of 5 days of rain and raging hormones. i didn't feel like cooking so i snacked all night for three days instead of eating a meal. certainly not healthy. tonight i'm baking salmon so i have no excuse to eat piece after piece of peanut butter toast like a stuck record.

atleast i went for a walk this morning. what is this thing if not a journey...with some diversions along the way.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

slacker and a halfer

i've been the most ridiculous slackass lately. there was lots of incidental exercise this weekend but i haven't walked since thursday. i played around on the stairstepper last night but i didn't actually exercise. it's been pathetic. and then there's the food. the key to planning is not looking at the plan and then ordering lunch out. it's an easy concept and yet it escapes me. also, when you're following the plan it helps not to eat the portion you prepared for lunch directly after eating the portion you ate for dinner...while baking a cake. i am officially a train wreck.

the last few days have been pretty weird. i've been trying really hard not to be like "you can't have that...you must have this". i've been working toward a "do you really need that?" way of life and then if i do i have it and if i don't...well you get the picture. last night i knew i didn't need to pick at today's lunch until it was gone. i was standing there, mixing the cake, picking at it and saying to myself "i should stop eating this" but i didn't. bad bad bad.

i've been slowly adding rules to guide my choices. i have a one soda a week rule. i already had one yesterday so i'm on water until next week. it's been working well and it makes it a bit more of a treat. the new rule is not to cook extra food for lunch unless it goes directly into the refridgerator. or something like that. it's fairly rare that i screw up like that. i have been noticing changes. i don't feel like i'm going to miss out on food things anymore. however, i have no explanation for what happened last night with the two dinners.

atleast the co-workers are eating the cake so it won't come home with me. small mercies.


i never really finished my thoughts from yesterday and now i'm totally distracted. when the numbers spiked i was sure it was hormone central and the timing was right but uhhh so far nada. and i'm freaking out. there's a little bit of an i hate kids discussion going on in the links. i wouldn't say i hate kids, but i don't want babies of my own. i never have. i don't particularly want to get married either and that's a constant question now that the boyfriend and i have been dating a year. A YEAR. like that's long enough to know you want to commit forever. like fish or cut bait. it's never been my master plan to catch a man and get married. i don't dream about wedding dresses or floral arrangements, i could get behind the cake part though.

the boyfriend's co-workers are always needling him about when he's gonna propose. he says never and they tell him i'm going to leave him. what is wrong with these people? they also tell him i'll want children. especially that one guy who was discussing my biological clock at the company christmas party.* i don't want to be pregnant. thinking about labor makes me woozy ever since 7th grade science class reproduction section when i fainted and hit my head on a cabinet. lots of other people want to be pregnant, and that's great. i share the love of the tiny clothes and the little pink high top chucks. but it's not for me. that was the best part about dating women, no silly reproduction worries.

so, yeah, anyway...now i'm freaking out about the lack of no baby evidence. to the point of buying a test just to torture myself. here in lies the problem with a small town. it is guaranteed that one or several people i know will witness said purchase and half of them will work with my boyfriend and that's when the beautiful cliffs of acadia will look a little too tempting. i should be medicated.

but hey, i love having the old scale back. i am so turning the dial to skinny when i get home.

*i really don't like him

Monday, April 17, 2006

"are french fries the new cigarettes?"

i will grant that obesity isn't so good and much of it can be prevented but equating it to 9/11 is just ridiculous. that isn't the point of the article but it's what pissed me off enough to blog about it. there are a lot of great points and probably i'll have to get to them tomorrow. my favorite is the author's view that it isn't the government's responsibility to worry about our obesity. damn straight. i can budge a bit on schools and children but adults are not wards of the state and can make their own choices and should be allowed to whatever the consequences. i don't think it's anyone's responsibility but mine what i eat and whether or not it's making me fat.

this country is almost completely personal responsibility free and it's pathetic. we should know that coffee is hot and it might burn us. we should know that gang raping a girl and video taping it is wrong and not just cause we got caught. we should also know that eating and drinking are choices we make every day and it's no one's fault but our own if we gain some weight or lose some teeth to sugar rot. i don't mean to say that the overweight choose to be that way but to blame the weights of others on a profit driven industry just isn't fair. grown ups can make grown up choices and should be responsible for them.

more rabidity tomorrow.

rinse, lather, repeat:*

"i do not need to go to rite aid for half price easter candy"

*edited by request


i've figured out why the damn scales don't work. after i returned the new one. i can't believe i didn't figure it out before...none of my floors are flat. not one. my apartment is in an 1880's farmhouse. nothing is flat and no floor is even. i'm relieved to have figured it out, i really thought i was going insane. is it possible to lose 3 pounds in two minutes?

i got my stair stepper this weekend. super fast shipping from amazon. it took me ages to choose one, there seems to be no discernable difference between them. i finally chose the GAIAM one only because they made my pilates dvd and that seemed as good a recommendation as any. it was a little more expensive but the shipping was free. what more can you ask for? i haven't gotten to really try it yet, but i'm planning for tonight. it even came with a music dvd in varying tempos.

it's small enough to bring it to work and step at my "station" but it would just feel weird. there's plenty of down time and it would make my day a lot more active...but i just can't do it. it seems there's no limit to what i'll do to lose a few pounds as long as it's in the privacy of my own home. i even bought darrin's dance grooves a while back. it smacks of desperation. but desperation with limits.

Friday, April 14, 2006

failing to plan is planning to fail

or so they say. so i just planned all of the rest of the meals for april. using my freezer and my cabinet stores. i'm really too excited about that. there'll be no more "no, what do YOU want for dinner". from now until may it doesn't matter what we want, it matters only what's on the schedule. i even scheduled leftovers. the problem is it's making me hungry...


either the scale is seriously f'd up, or the hormones cometh. i had been freaking out about it until i looked at my calendar. there's a reason for the pounds! it's such a relief.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

back blog

i've been running, on average, at least a day behind on posts. i've been putting down notes as drafts and then coming back to them at varying intervals for a while now. however i always use the daily weight. i've got something consistent anyway.

i said i was going to talk more about the new scale, ta dah! the scale it is fickle. and not just because i'm in denial. every time i step on it i get a different number. they usually vary by a pound or a half, sometimes two. it's just weird. i debated averaging the weights but for vanity's sake i just take the lowest one. sometimes i recalibrate the old one for a double check. a double check with no basis in reality, but a double check none the less.

i'm trying to decide whether or not to return it. i gotta say the numbers aren't doing much for me. however, i am wearing a skirt that i bought last year and i think it fits better now than it did then. i'm planning to pester the boyfriend later to take pictures. i think i'd get a better idea of progress if i kept pictures to compare. i don't think tracking the numbers is enough. my body is changing so much more than is reflected on the scale.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


i bought some new exercise duds this weekend, along with the scale(more about the scale later). i've been trying not to spend too much money on anything fitness related just in case i fall off the wagon but i decided that one set really just wasn't enough. while the increasing malodorousness* is a good measure of my progress, it's also pretty gross. so i went to target and got some new stuff. i would never have thought it would cost so much, and i bought clearance.**

i always feel like such a dork in the athletic wear section. it's ridiculous because firstly i was in target, it's just not worth the effort and secondly it's the chubby girls that need to be athletic, so why should i feel like i don't belong?

they must pruposely engineer those departments to make you feel insane. i'm sure they paid that one woman who was singing while looking at the hot pink sports bras.*** they want you to pick something and leave before you realize what crap the quality is. and also, everything was capri. i don't need to be that stylish while i'm sweating my ass off. i assume i look like a flushed pink skinned, hair mussed, fat girl in sweatpants. capri sweatpants aren't going to make a dent.

but i still bought something, because i'm not willing to sacrifice my other clothes. i got a sleeveless shirt that isn't horrible and some pants that are too long but were half price. i tried them on when i got home to see what they really look like, store mirrors aren't to be trusted. i liked them enough to cut the tags and i've been wearing them for a few days. i find myself making strong man poses in the mirror whenever i put them on. maybe exercise clothes do affect one's personality?

*expensive education not wasted on me.
**we went to dick's later and i realized that i could have easily spent three times as much on half the stuff i got. we're in the wrong business folks.
***it is an undeniable fact that a sportsbra does not inspire song, especially hot pink.


i've failed to mention that i'm back on track because i'm trying not to think about it too much. however, i'm excited to see the 188 on the scales...with no decimals to worry about. i've been walking every morning and i'm totally in love with my legs. the muscles! i invited my co-worker sara to touch them, mysteriously she declined. the boyfriend however is happy to ooh and ahh on command. in between bites of bacon.

i painted rather an unflattering picture of the boyfriend yesterday. maybe that's not quite the right word, possibly unjust is better. he's strong and fast and he can do things his thicker built brother can't because the brother can't fit. he hates being called skinny as much as i would hate to be called fat. he's happy with his body. and mine. none of that perfect body image propaganda gets in to his head. i wish i could see things as he does.

i do worry about the cholesterol, but he passes every test with flying colors. melissa says her husband is a robot: he doesn't gain weight, he works inhuman hours and he doesn't need to sleep he just plugs into the wall. my boyfriend is just like that and someday i will find the damn batteries. the other day he said his arm was hurting him. since he doesn't usually feel pain i told him to double check his warrantee, but he didn't think it was funny. he said the arm only hurts because he moved a 2000 pound machine by himself. ya think? he must need some wd-40.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

skinny boy

my boyfriend is a skinny boy, i'm sure i've mentioned it before. he is tall and lanky and was a runner in highschool. he eats more bacon than anyone i've ever known. he eats whatever he wants and never gains a pound. i could envy him that if i didn't know how much he hates it. he hates being the skinny boy.

some fat people hear how fat they are their whole lives, sometimes it's just the elephant in the room. no one holds back when you're too skinny. the boyfriend has been hearing his whole life that he needs a few more pounds. he still hears it, we both do. i keep hearing that i have to fatten him up. you can trust me when i say i try. geez, the boy eats a bowl of ice cream every night before bed.

he can't control his weight. as a teenager his doctor told his parents to keep feeding him. he had prescribed a 6000 calorie diet that included vast amounts of fast food specifically for the high calories. he HATED it. he didn't want to be force fed anymore than a dieter wants to feel starved. it's so ironic.

sometimes it makes me think we are who we are. i know i can exercise more and eat fewer easter bunnies and probably i'll drop a few pounds. but i don't hold out hope of having a supermodel body. i hold out hope to maybe drop a size or two, in time. unlike most fat girls, i don't have many skinny clothes. one day a few months before i started this blog i went through my closet with the mantra "you will not lose twenty pounds!". i got a lot more space in my closet and the thrift shop got a whole bunch of designer clothes in size 12.

i saved two skirts that i couldn't part with, those are the last of my skinny clothes. i was telling the boyfriend that i would be happy if i could fit into those two expensive skirts again. and he said "that's great! will you have to gain ten pounds after to fit into the expensive skirt you're wearing now?". smart ass.


You Should Weigh 125

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight.
If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!


Monday, April 10, 2006


so i bought the new digital scale. i now have the option to worry about decimals of pounds in addition to whole pounds. isn't life beautiful?

i'm back on plan for cooking. there's hardly anything lazy left in the freezer so it's full steam ahead. however, i'm having a shopping conundrum. i love grocery shopping. it's rapidly becoming my most honed skill. i've been beating down the post office doors to get my weekly sales flyers for months now. it comes up more than once in the archives that i am obsessed with the cost of groceries. so it's hard to admit that i have been shopping at the expensive store. further investigation is needed...but it seems that hannaford in bar harbor has many of the items i purchase at below the "sale" cost in ellsworth shaw's. my heart is broken.
i've so enjoyed the sale shopping in ellsworth. there's a competitiveness there that is lacking in laid-back hippie bar harbor.

i made a list of the prices of everything i buy in ellsworth* and i just compared a few items to the hannaford on my lunch break. smart dogs are a dollar cheaper! and the red potatoes are fifty cents cheaper a pound. i could weep.

clearly i'm going to have to be more vigilant here on out. it would be great if i could buy everything in town, especially with the gas prices. although if i have to stand behind any skinny tourist ladies comparing the fat content on two versions of twenty dollar gourmet light olive oil i might go insane. people in ellsworth might be content to pay more but they buy fishsticks and fries and those little hot dogs you eat with toothpicks...more my style.

*i shouldn't need to tell you that i had NOTHING better to do.

bribery shribery

i would totally have paid to get out of gym. damn ethical bastards.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

188 or 190 or 186

i am going to buy a new scale today. i'm giving in. i confirmed that the bank will pay for $125 worth of fitness stuff so they're going to pay for my pilates mat and dvd and i'm going to use the booty to buy a new scale. i might also buy myself a home stepping machine. i've seen cheapie ones around for $40-100 so the bank would pay for that too.

i'm torn between thinking that is a really stupid idea or not so stupid. i keep reminding myself that i don't have to pay for it so it's not like it's my money i'll be wasting. if it doesn't work out i'll have a yardsale and put my laziness on sale for the low low cost of ten bucks.

i'll come home with a new scale anyway.

Friday, April 07, 2006

scale set to skinny

i have the naughtiest urge to set the scale knob to say 150 lbs. when i step on it. if it's going to be wrong i should get some fun out of it. maybe for my birthday.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


this morning i weighed out of habit but i'm re-thinking the scale thing. i have the choice of buying a new scale of the calibur that i can't afford or getting a tape measure. i haven't really decided. this week has been really hard.* maybe it's the time change, i'm not sure. i had a little vacation yesterday. i decided to cook and eat whatever i wanted for dinner and not worry about it. i ended up with a decent meal, veg. omelet with pumpernickel toast. i was rather proud that what i really wanted wasn't so bad for me. not like macaroni and cheese or something super fat-tastic.

i'm taking a vacation from planning all my food. tonight we're roasting a chicken and some potatoes. i plan to eat them. i'm going to continue my vacation for a few more days or until i don't feel like the walking dead anymore. i haven't been very strict for a while and i haven't wanted to eat any easter bunnies since the last one. i haven't had any cravings really, or any interest in food or anything else. i've been cooking whatever is perishable or easy. i've made salads for lunch because i can't afford to waste the lettuce. i've been eating cereal for breakfast because the milk dies at the end of the week. i'm boring myself beyond recognition. i used to love cooking and now i can barely chop for an omelet.

*i have enough counseling experience to hear depression diagnosis from every angle in this entry. i know it well and i know i would probably be prescribed something that would make me numb, or fat-ter or something else i'm not interested in.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

186, or 190 or i don't know

the scale has been miscalibrated. for probably a long time. i don't know how long because i can't see it all that well. maybe i need new glasses, some light ones. i only noticed because i picked it up and it was set to a pound below zero. has it been like that a long time or did i do it by picking it up? dunno. when i re-weighed myself after fixing it i was 190. does that mean i've lost only 6 pounds? or should i assume that it's always been broken and still is not accurate. probably i shouldn't be this upset about a scale that i paid $4.97 for at target. i felt so much more accomplished when i thought i'd lost 10 pounds. but then earlier this week i gained and lost 2 pounds in two days and probably that wasn't what really happened.

i'm trying to really focus on how much better i've felt physically since i started all this. i can keep up with the boyfriend walking his property and i no longer cringe at the though of taking a walk that lasts all day. surely that's more important than the numbers on a broken scale.

actually, i'm most upset about having to buy a new scale. i sort of knew at the time that buying a five dollar scale probably wasn't a good idea. but knowing myself i figured i'd give up and not use it ever and just keep eating cookies all day. so i proved myself wrong at the cost of only five dollars and a tiny bit of my sanity.

so i guess i need a new scale. maybe ten dollars.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

multi-grain kicks some whole-wheat ass

i've been finding little notes in my pockets and my bag about things i want to write about. today the paper says only "multigrain". since my brain died yesterday it's been killing me to remember what i meant by that. but i just figured it out. a thousand years ago when i started south beach i bought some whole grain pasta because it was on sale for a dollar a box. i figured since it was on sale and i'd have to give up the white stuff anyway i might as well buy it.

we went without eating pasta for a long time. so long that the sale came back around and we still hadn't eaten the first two boxes. i'm a pack rat, especially with food, so i bought another two boxes because by now i could officially eat it so why not buy it on sale? but it was a different kind. one was whole wheat, one was multi grain. i didn't even notice. it could have said "twice the carbs!!!" and i would have bought it because the box was the right color.

so yeah, anyway. we've been eating the whole wheat because i was a little nervous about the multi-grain. if the wheat is good for you the multi grain must be even better and that means it must taste even worse, right? the wheat really isn't bad. the texture is different but if you have the right sauce you don't notice a thing. we've gone through most of the wheat so sunday i decided it was time to try the multi grain and if it was really bad we could still go out and get thai.

would you believe it's better than the wheat? there's something about it, the texture is so much more like white. i compared the nutritional panels and the difference is subtle. the whole wheat has less fat by two grams per serving, but it also has more carbohydrates. HA. so the multi grain has more fat and fewer carbs. i can't remember what the fiber content was but i'm not too worried. the multi grain tastes to much more normal and since spaghetti at my house is a relatively low-fat affair two more grams ain't gonna hurt nobody.


so, i was a little grumpy yesterday. but i didn't eat anything i shouldn't have. there was no chocolate binge. i was just completely drained. i read somewhere recently, i think mrs. kennedy, about emotional reserves. her point was about her son and how having a child gave her these strengths she never knew she had and how also raising a child can sometimes tap the reserves dry. i don't have children but i completely understand what she means. my emotional reserves are tapped dry. when things get rough i have no capacity to keep it together. the littlest things send me over the edge and yesterday i just had nothing left to give. jeez, it's just a job what would it be like if something really bad happened.

i can say that today. it's just a job. there's no reason to get so upset. i got all wrapped up in the injustice of it. IT'S JUST A JOB. there's no reason for me to feel mis-used. or well, i have no right to feel misused. my employment is at will. that's the most frustrating part because the powers that be speak to us out of both sides of their mouth. one side says "you're all valued emplyees" and the other sends people home the day they amicably tender their resignation after 20 years of service.

none of that has anything to do with dieting or whatever it is i'm doing. it's the track that's looping in my brain that i can't seem to put an end to. i did all my usual stuff. i had breakfast. i made my salad for lunch. i went for a walk. i'm trying to make today a normal day.

somedays just getting through is so hard. it makes me wonder how other people do it. with kids and families and still maintain their plans and lose weight and grow stronger. how?

Monday, April 03, 2006

187. fat and pissed off.

i'm not pissed off about being fat, i'm used to that. i'm pissed off about working in the other branch. the one with the donuts.* i hate being driven into situations where i will inevitably fail. i feel a similar way about the weightloss thing except no one's driving me but myself. today i had to work in a new branch that is not my branch because the M.O. has an inability to plan. second to that inability there were no computers and no phone lines. the cell reception was sloppy so i couldn't even call for help. you know what happens when you have no computers in a bank? and half the cash work is on the computer and half isn't? your drawer is short hundreds of dollars. that's what happens. and then crying.

i didn't actually cry but i really wanted to when half the executive board was standing around staring at me and eating cake while i tried to count money without actual hissing curses from my increasingly fork-tongued mouth. that is what i mean by being driven to fail. nothing was ready for us to be working today, but the powers that be decided it would be done and so we were all there. they don't have to actually deal with customers so they don't actually care that you can't do anything for them with no COMPUTERS.**

if i wasn't so tired i'd be eating. i'm planning to do some pilates when i get home. that or watching the joy luck club and writing poetry in a darkened room.

*and today they had cake, but that's another matter.
**ofcourse there was banking without computers. but it was different. folks had to carry their account numbers and things took a very long time. folks now have no information and no time and it makes them grumpy when they have to both wait for their transaction and for me to call bar harbor on my cell phone to get their account numbers.