10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

same as it ever was

You know how they put the candy at the checkout so that when you see it your shopping defenses are pathetic and weak and you're forced to buy it. I bought some candy yesterday at target out of pure weakness. I bought a Ritter sport just to see what it was like. Like, testing an orgasm to see if it's any good. Short story shorter, it was a yummy purchase. The chocolate with the cookie inside, sort of like those little school boy cookies but on steroids. It's totally target's fault. If they'd just keep the chocolate in the men's underwear section or somewhere the world would be a thinner place.

But anyway, I've been feeling like crap lately so it's time to get my routine back together. It's been a month and I need to get over myself and do some friggin' pilates. Guaranteed I'll be writing next week about how wonderful it is to do pilates again and why did I ever stop and blah blah. I genuinely hate myself when I stop exercising because I know how hard it is to start again. I cannot be trusted to take a break and get back on the wagon. Stupid wagon. Stupid analogy. "Get my shit together" is so much more elegant.

I have a shit getting plan for my day. Put yesterday's groceries away, wash a sink full of dishes, go back to basics and do my beginning pilates dvd. Starting over sucks and it sucks that it's necessary and it sucks that I keep having to start over again and again when I should be rolling merrily along. Aargh!

Things are even aarghier than I thought. One of the many, many things I bought yesterday was a very cheap pair of very nice shoes. It's so rare that awesome sale shoes are in my size I just couldn't resist. The 8.5 was the sample shoe, so I tried it on and it was awesome and I went in search of the match and the box. Lo, right in front of me was a box with untouched shoes with 8.5 written on it. YAY. So I grabbed them and then we went to dinner and lalala and then today I opened them up and Whoops, they're huge. It would seem that 8.5 in the UK is, uhm, 11 in the US. The chirpy sales assistants are holding the 8's for me...I'll have to sneak out at lunch tomorrow and fetch them. My shopping skills were very poor yesterday, disappointing.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Shopping seizure

This post is in no way about shopping. That was a lie. A falsehood. What is true is that I actually went to check out the gym today. It's the tiniest bit cheaper than the Y and apparently gets fewer exercisers, but it's also really tiny. I don't know how many treadmills I think I need but two seems very few. And it rhymes, yay! But I went and I guess I want credit for going to the gym to check it out even if I didn't actually sweat or anything. I've decided it's time to stop putting things off. I've made my peace with this super crazy job and it's stupid to stop taking care of myself and working toward a goal. This body is forever and the job, well, those change. The ass I'm stuck with so I should probably make it a priority. And the abs. Those too!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear snow,

You've been doing your thing since November. It is almost April. Seriously, we get it. Sixteen feet is enough, really.

Sincerely, Amy

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

"rife with single entendre"

Today at work I found a carefully kept file containing my boss' obituary. That was the most banal and uninteresting part of my day. I'd like to say it's nice to not be the one getting yelled at but it's not that nice when you still have to hear the yelling and take care of the people who did get yelled at and also yelling at someone for an hour and a half because they aren't being efficient with their time is well...obviously. But anyway, this is supposed to be a fat blog.

I still haven't hit up the gym near my job. Because I am a slacker. I'm still hanging around 173 and it's fine. I know I should be exercising more, I feel better when I am and I need to keep up my fitness and blah blah...I hate myself for slowing down. I've been kickboxing about twice a week and nada on the pilates. I have no excuse, I have the time and I'm obviously not using it to blog so, err. I guess I'm still surviving the transition. It's almost been a month...how much time do I need to get my crap back together anyway? Geez.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

"taught me a lesson I didn't want to learn"

When I was in school there was this Docker's commercial, something along the lines of "nice pants! Dockers?". I'm thinking of it today because someone in the ladies room at Borders started a five minute conversation about my AE jeans. She was wearing the same ones, and gee they fit like a glove. It was quite sweet actually, the kind of conversation you can only have in a chain store restroom. The point is the conversation reminded me of one morning at the bus stop where kid a says to kid b "those are nice pants! Dockers?". And kid b is al "yeah, why" because kid a is the older brother of kid b's best friend and pretty much kid a exists to torture kid b. So then kid a turns to kid b and says "maybe you should lose the sticker?".

I live in fear of those stupid clear plastic stickers with the size imprinted. All because of that one day at the bus stop. The terrors of a public school education. I'm more than a little paranoid that one day I'll show up at work to some important meeting with one of those L stickers emblazoned on my chest. Or a twelve short on my ass. Which is unlikely because those stickers are usually on the front of pants, but my paranoia can't be reasoned with. When mrs. bookstore bathroom commented on my jeans, all I could think was that I left a sticker or a tag on. It's been many wearings and washings since I got the pants and still all I could think of was that day at the bus stop witnessing the humiliation only a best friends' brother can produce so well. It was strange, how some memories just blindside you and you're left wondering why your subconscious held on to a memory about khakis for so long.

And then I bought a pineapple. Segue way who? I went to the market hungry and I came home with a pineapple. And brown 'n' serve rolls. Those were my impulse items. I guess it's better than like 5 cakes or a chocolate fountain, but still I have to eat a whole pineapple by myself now. I opened up my Mark Bittman who suggested that my pineapple was probably under or over ripe and pretty much a lost cause but when I cut it open it was ok. It's quite yummy actually, but enough work not to be a regular on my list. Unlike the rolls. I'm cooking a reasonably holiday-y dinner tomorrow so it seemed reasonable to get the devil's dinner rolls. The bleached white flour dipped in butter and served with butter and possibly also gravy rolls of heart disease waiting to happen, yum. Happy Easter!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The sweating makes me peckish

I kickboxed this morning. Can you say that? Is that the english? I'm having the difficulty with the language and the speaking lately. But I did exercise which I think earns me a gold star. I don't know if it was the getting up early or the exercising or just a case of the munchies but I was hungry all day. I also didn't drink enough water and that was bad and maybe that made me hungry too. I'm having a hard time drinking enough water at the new job because I am lazy and their water is gross.

The bank got bottled water because they thought the town water was fishy. Which is ironic because the bottled water comes from a source below the island dump. The town water was gross and the bottled water was gross but after five years I could drink it. The new job has bad tasting water that may or may not be poisonous. Technically, our house water has never been tested either...but if we're being slowly poisoned we haven't noticed and that has to be a plus, At least we're not suffering. Anyway, I have been bringing my own water in order to keep my intake up and be skinny and healthy and have a pony or whatever. It's a pain in the ass. I have a separate bag for my water bottles and then I have to wash them and bleach them and urgh, I'm too lazy to be hydrated. People should mate with camels, bestiality is highly underrated.

I got distracted there, my point was going to be about why am I so hungry the one day in weeks that I get off my ass and exercise? I've felt really good about my "diet" and habits lately. I love being busy during the day and not eating out of boredom. I love it, I'm in love with being busy. I need to be in love with exercising and being busy and not overeating but how do I know if I need the extra food or if I'm subconsciously giving myself permission to eat more because I know I exercised. I guess I need more than one day to make a scientific study about it. Guess I'll have to exercise tomorrow too, geez...

"Wow, you must do a lot of baking"

Said the cashier when I bought my apocalypse amounts of flour and sugar yesterday. Matt is all paranoid about the prices going up and him being short of snacks so he requested I stock up on the essentials. Nothing makes me feel more insane than buying 60 pounds of flour. We just need a cheese wheel the size of wisconsin and some rifles and we'll be all set to survive some horrible event we won't want to survive in the first place.

I'm feeling the crazy for having admitted that but I'm also feeling the crazy for having written an entire post last night and then getting to the bottom of my screen and no post button. I suppose a reasonable person would have saved it in word and then sorted it out but I just shut'r down. I had been having a craving for twitchy chocolate noses and earses and it was SO time for bed, if you know what I mean. If I could just not enter a shop between now and two weeks from now I could completely forget it's easter. If only we didn't need food, and 7 years worth of dry goods. I used to play the Oregon Trail on our Apple 2e and having had the shopping trip I had yesterday makes me feel a need of procuring children and oxen and hitting the wagon train. I always lost my oxen in the river and had to sell my children for news ones, every damn time. Should have brought more children, and more grain...the pixellated frontier is rough.

I have my sights on exercising today. I have the kickboxing dvd all up and ready to go. I'm power sipping some water and lacing up my shoes in a minute. It's been a long, long time since I exercised on purpose. Much too long. I have a dream of someday hitting a balance and then, lookout size ten. Someday, if I ever get my shit together again.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Nary a bunny ate in 2008

I'm still easter bunny free and going strong, easter is in one week and then all the candy will be on clearance and that will be difficult. A test of my endurance. One of my huge problems at ye olde job was that the only thing there was to do was to go to Rite Aid and check out their bargains. No more, there's nothing truly close to the new job and certainly not within walking distance. It's much more difficult for me to make a chocolate run when I have to get in the car and drive there. I suppose that's an added benefit right there.

Yesterday I locked my boyfriend out of the house. It was an honest mistake based on his lack of cellphone and keys and also not being in range of my hollering. So I'm taking him out to lunch. He asked me the other night if we might make it to the Irish pub for corned beef sometime soonly and so it's an appropriate peace making gesture. And I can get a salad and a big dessert to make up for my total lack of rodent shaped chocolate this season. See how reasonable and responsible I can be...

Today I'm writing a resume for a job very much like the one I have. It was a good week and I'm feeling hopeful but I think it would be wrong to avoid this possibility, to not pursue it. So, I'm pursuing it at the cost of two sheets of paper and a stamp. partially because on friday one of the last things I did was assure my counterpart that I won't advertise for her job without telling her. We get a lot of resumes applying for both of our jobs and so she checked the source. Sure enough the listings had been re-listed a few days previous. Knowing what we know about our boss, there is no way he did that himself. She showed it to me and asked me anyway, as it would be my job to hunt for her replacement. It was a fair question given our circumstances and so we made a pact that if we're asked to write a job ad for each other we'll share the news. Mine is an interesting occupation.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Feigning fiscal responsibility

The super wonderful thing about this new job I have is the big fat paycheck, I got my first one last night. I went right to the bank where they didn't recognize me at all and that was a little weird. But then it wasn't actually the bank I worked in for five years. And tomorrow is conversion day! Actually, I guess it's today. The new bank is going to be weird. I remember someone posting ages ago about how their bank was holding their money and I said "hey, that's illegal blah blah blah bank speak". Turns out, there are two kinds of legal when it comes to making your money available and the bank gets to choose whether to screw you or not. My old bank chose not to screw and the new one screws, I guess it takes a village. If you have direct deposit there's nothing to worry about, if you deposit actual paper checks and or you know, cash, then they hold it. How they can legally hold cash I just have no idea but damn, no wonder they can afford to have masseuses at their main office.

SO, about the gobs of money. I bought myself a big fancy computer. The computer of my wet tech dreams and I've been too "ROAR!" to really play with it. I gave Matt a little tutorial last night. He didn't spend much time on the HP and will probably spend even less on the Mac, but it's fun to play. I set up hot corners and they're really messing him up, I take my happy where I can. Anyway, about the money. I bought an expensive computer and a slew of jeans. I bought some books and RAINBOWS and a router and dsl. I've been spending exactly the way I didn't want to.

I could have switched up my two pairs of jeans and worn them until they fell off, I decided not to. My wardrobe was at such a point, new job or not, it needed an overhaul. I could have gotten those books from the library and lived without RAINBOWS. I could have lived without the Mac and the dsl and the router too...for the sake of my bank account but then what exactly is the point of getting a better job? I don't need a fancy new car or a coach bag or even broadcast television, I just want a stable internet connection. I got it, and that's what I need to tell myself every time I want to shop for the hell of it.

Is it obvious that I'm prepping myself to go to Bangor? I need a computer bag and I have to do something about my waffle iron. We need groceries and I have to go to Target, the world headquarters of needless spending incorporated. I don't want to be one of those people who makes money on paper and has no idea where it all goes. I worked too hard lo these many years than to let that happen. I have made a very small adjustment to my standard of living, the dsl, and aside from extra travel I want to keep it that way. I just hope I can keep from getting carried away...

Friday, March 14, 2008

Still sick, still cranky about it

I spent all day yesterday trying to make a box on a computer screen. I have many, many programs at my disposal and I know not one of them well enough yet to make a damn box on a screen. Yay! I do have good news to report, Sugarcrook is a genius and my arm feels amazing. I've made a big fat effort to take vitamin B every day and my arm is no longer falling off. It's very exciting. I'm excited to have survived another week, last friday I didn't think I could and I have and I think today is going to be fine too. With or without a box on a screen.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and getting my life together. Big plans for one weekend but really, I need to get my house together and a schedule and I need to go see some gyms. I'm still thinking along the lines of "oh my god, if I quit this job I can't afford a gym" but maybe it's really cheap. Maybe I need to live as things happen and not try to insulate myself against the future. The gym is on my list for the weekend, and grocery shopping...and a meal plan. I need to clean my house and take charge of my schedule. It's my time, why do I behave like my time belongs to a job I barely like. I need to fix it now before it becomes a big problem. Those are my tiny, itty bitty goals for the weekend and also maybe to write something. I feel like I haven't allowed my mind to work for ages and it's time to relax and reflect and write and I think it will all make me feel better. I hope so anyway.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

A morality tale

All my stressing has left me with a very weird sore throat and a gross nose and pretty much sick, which stinks because my projects for today and tomorrow are really fun. I'm looking forward to it even. Except for the hacking. It seems I have now hit every single physical incarnation of stress the human body can produce. Ten points for me! Last week I wasn't hungry at all, which made things worse with my blood sugar getting low and me getting crazy so this week I've planned eating more carefully so as not to be insane. I've been sleeping horribly, which makes everything worse too, so I'm taking extra time at night to chill out before bed to avoid insomnia. I'm waiting patiently for my cycle to realign although I really want to freak out about that too. My weight has been all over. I'm eating less but differently and drinking too much soda because my throat hurts. I'm up to 176 after breakfast and tea and water so I don't know what exactly that means.

Stress is the devil and I really wish I'd taken better care of myself last week. That's the moral right there, freaking out makes you ill, and tired, and fat and a little bit insane. This has been a better week but my body is still suffering from last weeks' ordeal and that was silly. I don't know how I could have avoided it knowing what I knew then but I'm working on strategies to deal with the stress. That makes me feel so much like my mother, she would so say "strategies" in a sentence and then she would nod and pull out a book. My sister suggested I get "7 habits of highly successful people" so I've ordered it. I also ordered "5 habits of successful slackers, because 7 is too many". I'll let you know how that goes.

One of the super bureaucratic business largess things at the bank, or the second bank...the one that "bought" the original bank, was their use of books like that. There was the one about the bus and the one about free prizes and what else, there's a whole library for the "stakeholders". One of my old bosses gave me "who moved my cheese" which is an interesting read, he also gave me a ton of Ayn Rand so take that mix as you will. It makes me feel strange to be ordering books like that, not exactly self help but I'm at a loss for a better word. If it helps me get through this experience and take what I want and go where I want then it's worth it, self help or not. And I get to feel like my mom for five minutes without developing an eternal love for the Lawrence Welk show and say "idear" instead of "idea".

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Hump day

Two days that haven't sucked in a row. I'm looking forward to today. I have my fingers crossed for three in a row. I'm excited about my wardrobe today as I've finally found jeans that fit. American Eagle 12 short are awesome and I'm in love with them. I have a semblance of ass wearing them, it's like the denim is blessed. The DSL is blessed too. I'm still waiting on the router so we can have all the computers working and then Matt can stop cursing AOL in his sleep.

So, I am looking forward to today. I'm going to choose photos and a layout for our catalogue and I'm really excited about it. It's exactly the kind of thing to do really well and take home for my portfolio. The new designer and I had a conversation while the boss was out about our new jobs. She has a sinking feeling she's made a mistake too and we've both decided to do our best and take it all home with us. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, someone is a similar position. She's concerned about having a job on her resume that her future peers will look down upon. We'll just have to look after each other. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Monday, March 10, 2008

"My food is problematic."

I'm blogging from the gorgeous new apple with the gorgeous new high speed interwebs. Which is a nice end to a pretty decent day. I was so full of dread that a normal day is downright awesome. Thanks for all the support. This has been very surreal. I underestimated how weird it would be. I was always thinking I needed to have experiences to keep writing and then I gripe about them when they happen. Tsk to me and my inability to deal with the gems of experience I'm offered. Shameful.

I'm now a bit shy to start up a gym membership, incase I decide to be broke again. I could, I suppose, see how much a gym membership would be. You know, like, as part of an intellectual study. Or, I could even put my goals into perspective and stop worrying all the damn time about things I can't control. That's a lovely piece of advice I need tattooed on my forehead. I suppose you do have a certain amount of control over your employment, as in my case, but you can't control how other people behave. Not ever. I feel much better since I've accepted that. I can only do my best, that's the realm of my control. You do the best with what you have and you take what comes. I just have to keep to that goal. Maybe that's exactly why I should get that gym membership...it's in my control and I'm choosing to ignore it and that's stupid. It's fairly against my new and exciting principles to ignore things that I can change and it would probably help with the stress and also I'd like to get this project finished. I might not be the super happiest but I can still work on being better and I think that's worthy. Right now anyway. Maybe I'll feel worse when I have to sign a 60 month contract for a million dollars but it'll be good for my arse anyway.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

"Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life."

The girl who trained me for her job had very bad tendonitis in her right arm. She was a horticulturist by trade and had no idea how very badly you can injure yourself typing improperly. She didn't go to a doctor until her very last day at the job. By her summation, the boss was dissapointed that she was "weak" enough to seek medical attention for a work injury that he preferred to ignore. That should have been a big flashing warning light that I completely ignored. That was how he treated an employee he liked. I have since learned how he has treated employees he didn't like and if he pushes me down the stairs we're going to have a problem.

Truth be told, I spent very little time with the actual boss between my interview (where he was very nice and interested in my abilities) and my first day. All of my training was done with the girl who left. One day we were discussing the new computer they bought for me (iMac, very sexy) and the boss said "what do I do with it if they don't like me after a week?". I thought he was being facetious, but that should have been a warning too.

The thing that makes it difficult is that this job pays more money that I have ever made in my life. I could put a child through college, or, you know, take Chairman Meow to the vet. The other this is that I really like the work, most of the work anyway. I like creating ads and designing the catalogue, I don't like typing longwinded, whiny letters to everyone who has ever wronged him, personally or professionally. I don't like having things removed from my inbox just so he can see how I behave when something is lost. I have no intention of quitting just yet, but I'm not staying either. One of the interesting things that happened when I told folks in Bar Harbor that I was leaving the bank was how many people said "oh, if I'd known you wanted to leave here I would have offered you a job". What I need to do is to bump into some of those people again.

I keep telling myself that I don't have to like him to do the work and take the money. However, I left the bank to do something better, to be happier. This is not it. I was so ravenous for the job I didn't really consider the warning signs. I didn't think about how many year round positions were open at this company and the possible reasons why. It doesn't have to be all sunshine and roses for me to get something out of it, it'll be like my very own literary marvel "the devil does landscaping". Not every job is a perfect fit, it doesn't mean you don't learn from it.

See how reasonable I am today? I'm a marvel of adult, professional, reasonable behavior. Calm, collected, not at all ready to lash out if that man tests me monday.

Friday, March 07, 2008

"Tea can do many things, but it can't bring back the dead"

In news that has nothing to do with the fact that I think I made a huge mistake taking this new job, the wi-fi is getting hooked up monday. Matt is home from work and will be snow-shoeing to the phone box for the phone men. Phone people, they could well be women. That was very politically incorrect of me. OH MY GOD I HATE MY BOSS! He's a big fat jerk. And I hate him, hate him, hate him. Matt thinks it's little man syndrome. I work for Napoleon and every day is Waterloo. And also my arm hurts from typing.

So, how has everyone been? I feel like I've been on Mars, I've been so far from the blogging community. It's weird. It's all weird. That is so not the right word and yet that's what I've got. I'm working for this man, this horrible condescending man. Someone who seems to enjoy making me feel worthless, and not just me. Aren't Rotarians supposed to be kind. He's not kind, he's the opposite of kind. And also the opposite of professional, in my totally worthless opinion.

My sister tells me to give it a week, and she also tells me to make a stink if something happens again. I can't decide if I'm over-reacting, it's only been a week. I don't want to stay long enough to have to put it on my resume or for him to blacken my name throughout ellsworth. Like I care anyway. I'm the only person there who doesn't feel like they "need" the job and that's sad because everyone else is prepared to take his crap because they can't afford not to. That's not the way to build loyalty or to get the best out of people. Again, in my opinion.

I'm now off to check the want-ads again. Christ.

The last day of the first week

It's been a weird week, which I should have expected but I just thought it would be less weird. Matt and I are going out for dinner to celebrate my survival. I'm happy to report my weight has stayed around 173. If I can get back to exercising I should be in a good place. As of yet I haven't felt any need to eat all the food in the whole world because of stress so I guess that should be counted as success.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

"adventures in sitting"

Tuesday was a much better day at work, and I even left after 8 and a half hours. Like normal people do. I got to be cranky with a sales rep and fix things and be indispensable, for a whole day. Wooh! And then I got home and Pinky upstaged me by having a baby, the lengths some people will go for attention. tsch.

At present I am learning that office supplies are very expensive and some people like to shop a little too much in the staples catalog. I have to be the person who says "but last month you swore you needed blue sharpies, if you need red sharpies now what do I do with all these blue ones". Can't wait!

I should be exercising right now. I had it on my schedule. In my brain I know I'll feel better afterward, and accomplished and whole...and yet I can't get off the couch. Getting the dishes done was my big accomplishment for yesterday so I'm keeping my goals nice and easy of late. It's harder work than I thought it would be to use my brain all day. Fascinating.

Monday, March 03, 2008

"the tired I've everest been."

Today was a very long day, but it was totally worth it because I got a raise right out of the gate. Wooh! I got my new mac today and I'm so tired I've barely even opened it. Apparently you need to select a network to proceed and uhh, I haven't set up the wireless yet. Things to do tomorrow. In the way of interesting things I was way too busy to be hungry for lunch but WHOA starving for dinner. So that's not healthy but it's a relief to not be thinking about food all day because THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I still haven't exercised and that's bad, bad, bad. I'm not proud. I do however have a lot of crap to do this week and I think getting the gym membership is going to have to get on to next weeks' list. I'm not too proud of putting that off either but I might go crazy otherwise. I might not see the bottom of my new and exciting in-tray for a long time and I think easing into extra curriculars is probably a good idea. I don't know how to properly explain how little I had in my life two weeks ago as compared to now. I got more than one comment on my desire to have had a break between jobs. All of them correct. I've more or less been on a break for the last five years and it's time to get moving. I can't deny a need to ease into it though. I feel ridiculously fragile about it and then stupid because this is what normal people do...work hard and manage their lives with stress and expectations and somehow life goes on. Crazy.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

"And before you know it powerful laxatives are involved."

So far today I've eaten too much cereal, washed four loads of laundry and made a fresh spaghetti sauce. We're getting a lot of snow so it's been sort of an indoor day. I did manage a nap but I didn't manage a lick of exercise unless you count all the cleaning. I suppose that's what tomorrow's for, all the things I didn't get done today. Groceries and pilates and maybe some kickboxing if I feel like double exercise duty. I also have to look into some early morning gym opportunities, as in more than one. It's amazing to have choices. And I'll have my Shuffle working soon. Things are falling into place in a way I hadn't imagined. All of the things I worried about are taken care of and all I have to do is make my way in this new job on monday. I really have an opportunity to make this job my own and if I'm honest it's a culmination of all the things I'm good at, it's just perfect. The gym and the shortened commute are all perks of a normal life I didn't have before. I don't know just what to make of it yet, there's so much to take in.