10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Friday, March 30, 2007

"Is it possible to have too much character?"

you'll all be surprised that the boyfriend doesn't think ice cream sandwiches are a healthy breakfast choice. which is just crazy obviously because, hello, calcium. and i bet they waved those cookie outsides near some grain at some point so who's the one rushing to rash judgements and making poor decisions? ha. err. it's friday, a girl has to celebrate. it's amazing what i can convince myself of at 6 o'clock in the morning. i didn't take a coke with me, which is a small victory, because it's hard to fight off the carbonated chaser of an ice cream breakfast. one battle at a time.

i have a big long list of things i need to do today, and this weekend, and in general. today i need to hit the grocery store for food i won't have to rationalize eating. this weekend i need to fill my freezer with things i can grab for work that have protein and are good for me. and i need to dust off the pilates mat atleast once. in general i need to start drinking more water. i haven't been drinking enough at work or at home for silly reasons. at work we drink bottled and we were running low. at my old place i drank tap water all the time. big glasses of it and i'm not dead. there's no reason i can't drink tap at work when we're running low.

we're drinking bottled water at home too because we haven't tested the well yet (apparently you have to wait a while to get an accurate reading, so we use it for showers and dishes but we drink bottled). so it's that much more difficult to drink my big glasses. i mean, i have to open the fridge and everything. and i have to pay for it. it's amazing how little it takes for my mind to see an obstacle and run the other way. i need to think about it more and make sure i have a glass or water around all the time like i did at the old place. it worked for me there and i can make it work for me at the new house if i keep my mind on it.

that's my list. i think it's pretty do-able. habit making things if i keep at it every week. and stop buying ice cream sandwiches. clearly i can't handle the responsibility.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

"My mom's making her famous call to the Chinese place."

so...i was a moose accident on the highway last night. we stopped at wendy's on our way home. which we never do so i won't be too guilty about it. mr. matt had to go hang some blinds for a friend and the hunger, it may have been emotionally scarring, so it was better avoided. the only concern i have now is that we're going out again today for our anniversary. we always have lunch at the same place where we had our first date. and then later we're grilling. as you can see it's going to be a very foody day. in retrospect, i probably didn't need to add to the mayhem the day before with french fries. i just have to think it's all better than a big crazy meal out at night when i'll have no chance to burn off the calories.

scale is still 170 after being moosey so that's good. i've been looking up dessert recipes for tonight. i don't know if that should be labeled good or bad. the theory is that you only have an anniversary once a year so it probably won't kill me to bake something. i haven't done much baking in the new house, i have a lot to learn about gas ovens. i also have a lot of whipping cream that needs love (see, i had baking intentions) so i'll probably make a french chocolate cake. sort of a flourless chocolate cake only with like 2 tablespoons of flour. still very dark and dense and yummy. with whipped cream. i just need to summon the energy while matt does his boy thing with the grill.

i had thought moving would make me want to cook proper meals, because my dining partner really needs them. but so far i'm exactly as much a slacker as i always was. i don't know why i believed so heartily that geography would make a difference. i cook reasonable food for him most nights, but not always for me. he's been eating more hotdogs than is probably good for him, and for me grilled cheese. which i suppose has a certain amount of protein but mostly it's butter.

the short of the long is that i need to think about protein for me. and i need to plan for it. i'm thinking of keeping a pot of black bean soup around at all times. or maybe for every lunch. i'm clearly too lazy to cook real food at night during the week. i'm going to have to be one of the many who prepares all their food on the weekends. odds on i'm too lazy to do that too, but it's a start in the right direction. maybe i'll bond with my freezer and it'll be life changing. a girl and her pyrex. that's almost dirty, in a fastidious housewares kind of way. roar!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here."

what happens when blood sugar goes bad! i have to say i've never really been able to eat at taco bell. i love mexican as much as the next scottish/quebecois american, but just not out of a window. that, and that one time that girl at college said she got a cow tendon in her bean burrito. i couldn't survive a misplaced tendon. i've accepted my limits and i love myself anyway.

speaking of the abyss of fast food, did anyone else know the dip at dairyqueen is lard? LARD. what is with the modern use of lard. isn't that why we went to the trouble of making all those chemicals, so lard could retire and move to florida like everyone else? my sister's bestfriend worked at a daryqueen in highschool and read the ingredients. you know how long ago that was? 15 years. my sister has left me in the lard dark for 15 years. i thought it was wax all this time. which is gross, but not lard gross. she is so not inheriting my buffy collection. i'd rather see it go to strangers.

i'm doing that thinking way too much about food thing i do whenever i am trapped in the bank and i can't go buy any. it's a good thing i'm stuck because i finally came back to 170 and i'd really like to keep it. the lure of cheezits might be too strong to resist if had the freedom to procure them. i've been way into salty lately. like those moose that lick the road in winter. you know what happens to them, they get hit by tractor trailers. shame i can't secure that kind of consequence for buying ridiculous snackfood. threat of a speeding 18 wheeler just might keep me out of the market all together.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

"i was being patient but it took too long."

i'm wearing my new pants today. the scale read 171 just like yesterday. and still i feel ridiculously fat. you ever feel like your body is expanding all around you like some alice in wonderland thing. that's how i feel today. all expandy. technical term. really i'm at my skinniest and somehow my laziness has started to affect my feelings about my body. i haven't exercised properly in, uhm, a very long time. i can't even remember. atleast a month. there's been physical labor but none for the sake of fitness, or thinness or duty even. but lately i've started to catch the spring diet rejuvenation bug.

right now i'm working on my coke dependancy. i've been clean two days. i just keep telling myself it removes rust. if i still want it after that i'll have one but mostly it's been working. i've been replacing it with tea, but at least i control the sugar and the calories that way. food on the other hand is a little weird. because i haven't been trying. our schedules are still a little crazy and mostly i worry about matt getting the right food. since i gave up chicken i know i'm not getting enough protein. sometime i'll be in a better place to fix that, it's just not now.

i know i need to eat better and exercise more to go beyond maintaining these 25 pounds. i also know laying down a do it or die plan does not work for me. the minute i'm writing about it i'm all over it, but in reality that kind of structure doesn't do any good for me. however, i know what i can do if i try harder. if i can remember that i had some chocolate at lunch, i don't need any at dinner. and that if i'm just sitting watching tv, i could just step and watch tv. and also that life won't end if i don't lose as fast as i want to. i'll still wake up every day and face the same decisions and that won't kill me either.

my rope has been short and fraying this month but i'm starting to feel better. i need to accept that moving was hard in a lot of ways, and being sick and having your family be sick is all hard too. i need to accept that i did the best i could and i can't do any of it over even if i wanted to re-live it. and i think i need to be happy that i'm ending march one pound down from where i started. this month could have broken me, but it didn't. i'm still here and i'm no worse off with so much to look forward to. and i know i've been making with the saccharine after school special posts lately, that's not usually my style. i think it does me good every once in a while to re-group and remember what i'm doing and why. even i can't talk about clothes all the time.

Monday, March 26, 2007

"Quiet! You'll miss the humourous conclusion."

the goal to fit limited 12 has been met. i bought some perfect size 12's, short for the tall impaired, and i'm very happy. they cost more than a week's worth of groceries, so that'll probably be the last thing i buy in a 12 if i can help it. i picked up one other pair of pants at old navy that were also perfect, and ridiculously cheap, but also wool and lined. and i do not want to be wearing a 12 the next time i need lined wool pants. so as much as it pains me, i will take them back. i'm seriously tired of finding clothes with tags that do not fit anymore. it's a dubious thrill being too skinny for clothes paid for and never worn.

what else...i chose to be without coke today. which, considering my current addiction, i think is quite a show of commitment. i sort of remembered that i don't want to be doing this forever. those wool pants reminded me. i don't want to maintain until next winter. if that happens, i'll have to deal with it, but i'm not going to sit on my hands and self fulfill the prophecy. and i had a nice 171 this morning even after a weekend of pizza and easter candy. since i know i can do better than that, i have new found inspiration.

and there's more good news, it's march 26. the month of expense and disaster and pestilence is almost over. april had better kick some serious ass. some ass that doesn't involve buying a new washing machine. 'cause i'm looking forward to that being over with. especially the bill. i'd like to file that under march and move the hell on.

on that note, i'll be at consumer reports making the most of my last shred of sanity. welcome to monday!

Friday, March 23, 2007

"I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious."

the weather report reads A OK so i'll finally be off home this weekend. i can get my car and spend copious amounts of money at the limited and also i need hinges. but that's neither here nor there. actually, i'm hoping it works out like a tv commercial. you know the kind, where the flighty woman walks in to the home repair store with a picture of hinges on her cell phone and some dude in a cape, like, flies them right to the aisle. and then everyone smiles. i'm hoping it'll be like that because i'm not that interested in spending my shopping time wearing ye olde soles in search of hinges. not when there's a mall and an auntie anne's pretzels so near by.

usually i worry about what horrors of food await me at home. i.e. pizza. i've already decided i'm going to take the calorific bull by the horns and cook. i'm going to make pasta, it's a so-so choice but atleast it's not pizza. my sister asked me to teach her how to make spaghetti sauce so i'll be doing that. and probably cake, but it should be fine if i leave it in a different state. which reminds me, has anyone else heard about the possible chocolate shortage? that kind of news is so not good for my hoarding tendencies. i'm going to end up with a bomb shelter filled with chocolate bunnies and cadbury eggs and i'm not coming out till the last fluffy tail's been had.

cough. not that i'm feeling weak or anything. which is good because there's a little party in our honor this afternoon. matt's co-workers are having a house warming for us. beyond adorable. is it rude to turn down meat at a party thrown for you if you're a vegetarian. even if you're a crappy vegetarian? where does emily post stand on making yourself sick for the sake of decorum?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

"And I should do what in my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

we watched the kitten poker episode last night. there's nothing like debating the use of live kittens as currency to make an evening. i, for one, feel complete. particularly since i lost a rebate of 50 dollars (had it, gone now, no idea) and i'm just not that upset. i was upset, that was a lot of kittens, but today i'm all eh. which i'm loving. dig me and my newly found perspective. it's just money. heh. i feel so balanced today. balanced and full of snot, but emotionally sound so rock on.

i edged back up to 173 this morning. that's a bit of a disappointment. i favored unpacking last night instead of exercise proper, and uh..i drank two cokes. which sucks as a nutritional choice but at least my house is coming together. i hung curtains and we put up a coat rack, we moved in a desk. little things that make me feel better. i've been really worried about where i was going to put my three hole punch. you can't leave that sort of thing to chance, you know.

and, because random seems the order of the day, what's up with the all caps sodium celebration on coke cans? is it me or are they grasping at straws for something to gloat about. 39 grams of sugar but only 50 miligrams of sodium! that's something to sing about. not that it matters, i just think they should embrace their true selves. warts and all. just a little heartfelt message to coke, i'm ok you're ok.

obviously i have nothing today. i'm glad to be suzy sunshine for a little while. perpetually grumpy is no way to live. but the most exciting things i have to talk about are long gone tv series and desk accessories so i'll spare you further details. hope everyone has a genuinely fabulous thursday.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

"Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big."

i had this whole post written and wow...depressing, so it's gone and now i have nada. i've been writing that a lot lately. big depresso posts and then i delete them. i'm sort of an all or nothing writer, always have been. 30 page history paper due tomorrow "oh! i don't like this sentence." delete the whole thing and start over. i've never been an editor. can you tell? i usually scrap projects the second it looks like they won't finish up the way i planned. sometimes i start over, sometimes i give up completely. that is the essence of why this "project" is so unique. it's the waking up everyday and not quitting that makes the difference.

i've been wondering lately about some dieters. folks who've been at the same weight for ages and ages and are still trying even though nothing seems to change. i've been wondering where the breaking point is? when is it time to accept mediocrity if not defeat? i wonder because at heart i'm a quitter. seeing people struggle makes me cringe, struggling myself makes me insane. there's nothing a quitter likes better than company. a big circle of cowards to lament their failings together for all eternity. but that's not going to happen because they're all too strong. they face the hard times and they keep going. and so will i. i have nothing to lose in trying and everything to gain with my patience.

and that's what i'm thinking about. that and all the folks who've come and gone since the first of the year. if you're still around, you're always welcome. we're here to support eachother and you if you need us. we all know what it's like to have days where you can't face another failure, when the pain of it breaks your heart. i just wanted to say don't give up, that's the only thing worth regretting.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

"Look at her shoes. If a fashion magazine told her to, she'd wear cats strapped to her feet."

172 and my feet are wet. the shoes i wear almost every day hath crackethed. and i'm totally bummed even though i have enough shoes. that's not really the point is it, shoe loving friends o' mine? the point is that my everyday shoes, they've been mortally wounded in the course of their duties. as i type this a single tear falls to the keyboard. it's just that poignant. so i'm doing the zappos thing. no stone unturned. finding the right pair of every day shoes is a difficult task.

it's either that or pay my phone bill. f'ing boring. so i click. the problem now is that i'm attracted to all these earthy, suedey, hippie flat soled creations. completely adorable and so not what i'm looking for. i thought i would eventually be the right height for my waist, you know in pants sizes. but that was dillusional. my legs will always be too short, and i will always need heels. and these are cute too.

i've been all worried about drowning my sorrows in easter bunnies, when hello...shopping. that's way better for the scale. but i have to admit that i haven't found anything i can actually buy. i've given myself permission to replace the aldo's i'm wearing because they were worn everyday, they're over two years old, and they're legitimately making my feet wet with their leakyness. i got my fifty bucks worth. i'm calling it progress that i haven't already checked out of my zappos cart with all those cute shoes that won't meet my current needs. and i'll call it progress when, while at aldo's (duh), if i find a good replacement i buy them without dusting off the catholic guilt.

Monday, March 19, 2007

"I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you."

wow, was i grumpy a few inches below this or what? i already feel better. sorry for the rant. if it wasn't for posterity i'd delete it. you just can't underestimate the healing power of complaining on the internet. it's all very special.

"Maybe he's a gigolo. Was his shirt all shiny?"

with this morning's weight my bmi is officially in the dead center of overweight. you can tell by how fascinating that tidbit is that absolutely nothing is going on in my life. so instead i'll whine about not having a car right now and how i'm feeling trapped and not quite at home in my new place. and there's nothing i can do about it. i can try not to comfort myself with chocolate, but i can't change the situation. i'm hoping i'll feel better at the weekend, but it seems such a long way away. so many days to get through.

i'm getting a little tired of just getting through. passing time till things get better. i've been spending too many weeks lately just waiting for them to be over. at home, at my old apartment, watching buffy and cooking and using my stepper wasn't such a bad week. boring, but not painful. i suppose the difference is that i chose it rather than being without choices. i'm beginning to worry that i'll never feel at home in the new apartment and i'm running out of false cheery enthusiasm to push through.

the temptation to eat something to make me feel better is almost too much. almost. i really hope tomorrow is better.

Friday, March 16, 2007

"I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good."

truer words were never spoken. curly fries are one of the few things we have ventured to cook in our "new" really old oven. it's gas, and also fickle. matt lights it for me. it's the chivalrous thing to do, to blow up for your girlfriend in the name of curly fries. regardless of faux fried curly goodness, 172 this morning. probably evidence that i didn't eat much yesterday, but i'm still relieved. i'm always astonished when numbers come down. like i'm never quite sure this will work for me. but it did and i'm going into the weekend all happy and skinny and feeling much less like i'm going to need a fainting couch.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

dragging like a wet bag of hammers...

atleast i'm down a pound. otherwise, urgh. i think i caught the baby's flu. which is extremely unpleasant but maybe if i puke enough i'll be back down a few pounds. heh. i'd much rather be fat than feel like this but since i can't control it does it make me nuts to hope it works in my favor? opportunity based eating disorder? whatever. i'm sure nyquil has calories.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

"I've got a theory! It could be bunnies."

another freakin' 174. grumpitty grump. 'course i realized today that i haven't been doing anything i had been doing when the numbers fell so easily. funny that. i mean, i kind of knew that i wasn't doing the same things, but today it really hit me. so i'm hitting the yogurt and granola trail again, which i love incidentally, and hopefully i won't regress to 175.

i cleaned out my closet (again) and found more clothes that are too big (you don't say?) and that's pretty much the only reason i have room for everything in the wardrobe. and i am a little sad, like i always am, because i was so excited to fit those clothes. cute short skirts and fancy pants (i just wanted to type fancy pants, they're not really that fancy. it was worth it.) tossed to the wayside. or my sister. or my bestfriend from highschool. or you. write me if you fit a gap 14. some of the bastards still have tags. way too many actually. shopping addict's anonymous here i come. but the good news is that the bedroom almost looks like a place grownups might sleep. i'm centimeters from maturity here. look out scrapbooking and appliqued sweatshirts!

what else. err. oh yeah, when i was whining about my cute skirts falling off, matt asked me what i was going to do with them. and when i told him he said "you aren't going to save them for when you get fat again?". and then i buried his corpse in the woods. if anyone asks, it was bears. bears with spades. and opposable thumbs. it was one of those moments when he knew he was in trouble before the words were out of his mouth and if he could build himself a vacuum feature i know he would. we both know what he meant was "what if" or "maybe you could wear them again" it wasn't meant to be negative. it makes me realize that that's not what i want. ever. i'm not going to let my life get out of control like that again. so there's no need to hold on to them. i'm downright pleased to give them away so maybe someone else can be all sweetness and light until they get too skinny.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

"I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws."

the baby is home, safe and well. the wardrobe was built with hardly any blood loss. the scale read 174. which is way better than 196 so i'm putting on a happy face. and i got a compliment today. from a fairly mentally unstable source but why look a gift horse in the mouth? he says i look like i've lost 50 pounds. and since he only saw me from the shoulders up i'm thinking he embellished. what with the insanity. i'd much rather think he rounded up than think i looked that fat before. probably it's just one of those times that show no one really knows what a few pounds looks like.

what does a pound look like? i get that referral about 50 times a day. a pound of what, ham? are folks confused about british currency? i just assume they mean on the human body and that's an unanswerable question. all of our pounds look different. like snowflakes. no one really knows. who notices one pound? i only notice because of the scale. frankly i'm only noticing 4 pounds because of the scale. i've never woken up thinking "gee, i feel 3.5 pounds fatter today...rats!".

i didn't give mr. unstable any more information. i'm not going to ramble on and say really i've lost 26, but i've sort of gained back 4 so i guess i've lost 22 'kay, bye. not just because he's creepy, i just don't like talking about it. atleast not with people who aren't in the know. it's not that i'm ashamed or embarrassed, it's nice to have the loss noticed. it's just that i don't want to hear something like "gee, only 80 pounds more to go. good job!"

the few people who've remarked to the boyfriend about my loss, mostly his colleagues, make assessments like that. and they just have no idea. one of them thinks that every woman needs to lose ten pounds. "hehe, if she lost ten pounds she'd be hot!" how does he know? did she see her ten pounds ago? no, he's just being a jerk. people who talk like that are only telling you you'll never be good enough. no one knows what pounds are going to look like as they fall and it doesn't really matter. either you're happy or you're not. numbers are good when you're dieting, a scale to mark progess. but there's no hot-o-meter where in number of pounds equals sexiness.

i'm tired of hearing about it. i don't need the criticism, objective or not. what's the old saying? a fat girl is her own worst critic? that's not an old saying? it should be. or maybe it should be any girl is her own worst critic. but then i'm not even happy when i get a compliment so i should look up some sayings about being overly sensitive and paranoid. and rude to the mentally ill. maybe i'll check the farmer's almanac.

Monday, March 12, 2007

"Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away."

check me out, i'm in spanish. statcounter never ceases to amuse. i just wish i remembered enough spanish to see if the translator fixes my grammatical errors. that would make a case for being in spanish all the time. i wonder what it does for allusions in french. do they get translated too? je me demande.

so, obviously, i'm in a better mood. there's nothing any of us can do except wait, no sense in holding my jaw tight enough to crack walnuts. and so i am officially chilling out. dudes.

i didn't get to do a lot of the things i was going to do while i was home. like glorious tax free shopping. i'm warming to the idea of some new clothes. i'd been trying to wait to pick up new things, telling myself it isn't important, that i should wait till these are really falling off. it's not important, not really, not in the sense that life will end if i wear the baggy pants for a while longer. there is however a problem with the momentum.

when i take more care in how i look i feel that much more like not eating easter bunnies. being excited about clothes does a little something for my motivation that i was trying to ignore to save some money. the problem is that i'm getting comfortable when i need to be just tickled enough to keep going. so when i have a bit of time i'm going to head back to the limited and see if their 12 fits. if it's "close enough" i'm going to get something, atleast one thing, to have a point to motivate to. it's not quite time to get comfortable.

it's true that i'm not ready to maintain, but do y'all reckon the clothes thing is a genuine motivater? or do i just want to spend money? it's only been five minute since i wrote that and i'm already wondering. when i get stressed i want to shop. i anticipate this habit, trying to protect myself from unnecessary spending. the theory did work for the jeans from the gap. knowing i spent the money on them forced me to make it work. does anyone else feel inspired by their expanding wardrobe?

"Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?"

babies should not have to be sick ever. it's too hard. it puts every other thing in perspective. my 15 month old niece started having seizures on saturday in the middle of ikea. she was rushed to boston children's hospital but we still don't know what's wrong. they're ruled out some biggies but we don't know what happened. she'll be there until they do.

i should be home taking care of my sister's children but i'm here. she told me to go and i did, when i should be there. so i'll be spending my week wringing my hands and jumping at the phone and cooking to stock her freezer. i don't know what else to do. matt and i will be building the wardrobe i bought. i already hate it. i should've abandoned the sucker then, emily said to get it. so i did. apparently in a crisis i'm obedient to a fault.

so i don't know what i weigh and it's just not that important to me today. i can tell you that i spent one day taking care of two kids by myself and it was unbelievably hard. hard like i don't know how the species survives. all i had to do was feed them and dress them. if i'd had to take them to school i would still be crying. i don't know how people do it, i really don't.

Friday, March 09, 2007

"For talking and conversation. I'm, um, quick as a bunny."

there's something about doing up a meal plan that makes ye hungry. maybe it's all the food, and the thinking about food, and then thinking about it some more. that's probably it. but it's a necessary evil. for both my budget, my behind and my boyfriend. (yeah the both is sort of defunct there but isn't the alliteration worthwhile? i thought so.) it's not that easy thinking of a weeks worth of food. which is sort of surprising considering how much i like food in general.

the ocd in me really likes writing that sort of thing down. a week of meals all decided. all i have to do is buy the right food and then cook it. it's the same part of me that puts the budget in three different excel spreadsheets every month. the overkill part of me maybe.

i've been spending a lot of time recently looking at why i'm back to 172 this week. for one i haven't been drinking my green tea every morning and i am very curious to see whether that makes a difference. for the other i've been super stressed about money. not that things are going badly. they're just going slightly more expensively. i can pay all my bills without trouble but things are tighter than usual. until this month i hadn't written myself into the red in about two years. march is gonna be close.

i'll always feel that poverty begets obesity. for lots of reasons but for me it's the stress. i feel more like a failure when my budget is off than when i eat something i shouldn't. i've been anticipating this move in a financial way for a long time and now that it's here i'm disappointed in the delayed gratification. next month...april...will be fabulous. but march sort of bites. and there's rather a lot of it left being only the 9th. there's nothing like a daily blog to document your impatience.

if i'm patient enough to take a whole year to lose 20 pounds, i should be patient enough to wait 5 more months to be completely free of credit card debt. it's a cake walk considering where i started. i don't think i'll ever be able to really give myself praise for getting out of this. i'll be paying for it emotionally for a long time. and yet the same mistakes led to my weight gain and i am able to positively appreciate my loss. here i thought being fat was the the bigger emotional burden. i guess my world doesn't revolve around my weight as much as my bank balance. i'm almost surprised.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

"I love the smell of desperate librarian in the morning."

desperate is right. i'm completely and totally lacking of anything worthwile to say. i've been sitting here all day freezing my ass off and thinking literally nothing interesting at all. i have had not one original thought today. sky is blue. grass green. that e=mc^2 thing. it's all been friggin' done already. how are you all? good? i hope you're all good. i'm bracing myself to go home and cook dinner and sit on my ass. do you ever feel a need to write off a whole week. i know i just said yesterday that it's stupid to wait around to do things but i live to contrdict myself. i can't wait to make a fresh start next week. a fresh start with ikea furniture and a place to put all my towels and sheets. i'm tired of feeling unsettled and half-assed. i'm pinning a lot of hopes on monday.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

"Peace of Westphalia! ...Oh, you moron. That dinette set should be mine."

there are four empty coke cans on my desk right now.
i've eaten two easter bunnies and it's not even april.
i have six boxes of girlscout cookies wimpering before me.
the scale read 173 this morning.
it's been seven days since we moved.
my credit score has come up 100 points from last year.

my life in numbers. some are good, i've been working really hard to pay off debt and raise my credit score. some are bad, i haven't been working very hard to keep my scale down. i also didn't need to buy 6 boxes of samoas from either a financial or a weightloss perspective. i'm limited offer amy. give me a short ass time frame and i'll spend like a champ. there's a goldmine for a therapist in there. psycho-analytical dollar signs.

however, things are slowly coming together. the first week of moving was all about survival. hopefully now i can focus on progress. i finally have my kitchen together so i can cook. and i'm learning that sauteing in olive oil is not as lardy as i thought it would be. i expected very heavy dinners from cooking only on the stove top but so far it's been fine. add fear of the unknown to my therapy bill.

everything's going fine. however, part of me is just wanting time to pass. especially the financially freaked out part of me. checks recieved, bills paid, debt gone. way to grab life by the horns. i've got to get a grip and stop worrying. i'm sure i can think of something better to do than make graphs of my debt payoffs over and over. maybe there's a rock i can push up a hill? something like that.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

"There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies."

i moved my scale this morning. and now i'm thinking i probably should have used it where it was first. matt built a very pretty apartment, but the tile floor in the bathroom is for sure not even. i'm not sure if the wood floors are perfectly even either but i sure liked the scale number better. 175 vs 172. course that 175 could be accurate. god forbid. seeing as the doctor had me at 176. that would be about right probably. i'm not really sure what i'll do, but i'll probably move it back to the vanity floor. fragile, fragile psyche.

i'm almost in to a new routine. i have breakfast at the same time i used to, only now i have it at work. i'm not as ridiculously hungry for dinner when i get home as i thought i would be. i think regulating my blood sugar has been the biggest benefit of this thing i've been doing. i used to feel faint and nauseas when i was getting hungry. it used to be a huge deal, at least to me, to avoid having this happen. especially in company. i can't remember the last time i felt that way. it makes eating like a normal person that much more possible.

in fat news i'm officially the same size as i was when i left college. i fit in to all of my size 12 jeans. i am so relieved on the one hand because i won't have to buy jeans for awhile. on the other, i still need work clothes. i'm hoping to hold out till spring. what a thing to have seasonally appropriate clothes that fit. my word! i won't know what to do myself. on the third hand, for lack of an appropriate seque, it seems i was way fatter in college than i thought i was.

i'm not sure why i'm surprised considering that i never felt particularly skinny then, i guess i just chalked it up to dismorphic disorder. i've been looking on the me of that time as a sort of a goal. regretting how badly i felt about my body, which i'm sure led me to treat it the way i ultimately did. if i am today the same size as when i left school, i was a little more overweight than i thought. not that it matters. can't do much about the then can i? i guess i'm in a better place to deal with reality than i was then, on some level. it does make me wonder what will happen if i ever do reach my bmi reccomended weight. i hope i can be happy with it. most of the time i am happy with my body. i know i have work to do to be satisfied. i just wish i knew what satisfied was. i don't want to miss it.

Monday, March 05, 2007

"I can say what I want - I still got Nazi bullets in my ass."

can i tell you i spent my weekend melting snow on my stove? in sauce pans. because we ran out of water. it's a very long story, involving plumbers and renting pressure sprayers and large sums of money and i'm sure no one wants to hear it anymore than i want to tell it. but we now have running water. it's just like ancient rome.

so, what else. i haven't decided about the drugs. see melting snow on a stove. i'll have to keep thinking about it. i'm once again back at 172. i thought it would be worse coming into this week (does this reporting of stats make anyone else feel like a sports announcer? it's like a bizarre football pool.). i can live with two pounds after that week.

hopefully i'll get my stuff together to be back at 170 soon. and go from there. i had made a goal to start pilates again. i just have to find my mat. i know i packed it, but that's the last time i saw it. the sucker's bright green, it really shouldn't be this hard. anyway i have to get back on the exercise wagon. i can't lament my progress if i don't take any steps toward some. i have to keep reminding myself about that. eventually what i get out of watching my diet alone won't be enough to keep losing. i'd like to be prepared for that.

speaking of preparedness. i'm using my three weeks of girlscout training and preparing lunches in advance. tonight i'm making blackbean soup and chicken quesadillas. matt won't touch the soup so i'll have a week's worth of lunches. this soup thing cleans my cabinets of food and endless tupperware so it's a dream come true. i'm trying to think of other proteiny things i can freeze. pretty much it's the wonderful world of beans. unless y'all have any ideas?

Friday, March 02, 2007

things to do with chicken when you're all alone

i've spent the last two days searching for skillet chicken recipes. because our oven doesn't work. i'm usually a broiler kind of girl. not for any diety reason, i just like dry chicken. and it doesn't actually take any work. marinate it, stick it in a pan, broil. maybe you turn it, if you're feeling fancy. i sometimes place it on a rack. which is fun. and then the miniscule amount of fat in the boneless, skinless chicken breasts drips off. skillet chicken is a different story with the whole cooking in the fat thing. the fat conversation is all pretty academic though because i'm not going to be eating it. matt's going to be eating it. which means the more fat the better. but he also has to like it. which makes it tricky.

i haven't figured out all the kinks in the care and feeding of the boyfriend. will he eat sauteed lime herb chicken? he will if i don't tell him what it is. or should i go with the blackened pan seared? or should i just breadcrumb it and go with the frying? i have all afternoon to decide.

and i have till tuesday to decide about the thyroid thing. the facts that my level went down on it's own, i haven't had trouble losing weight (as in i can when i try) and i don't show a whole lot of the other symptoms leads her to believe that i don't need to be medicated. but i can be if i want to. isn't that a conundrum. would it help me lose weight, is that a good reason to take drugs if i don't really have to. could it be that i've been living with my symptoms for so long i don't know whether i feel good or not. it's possible that i would feel better down at a 1. or i'd feel like shit. the questions i didn't think to ask, and will have to for tuesday, are whether or not i'll do permanent damage by playing with the dosages.

mostly i'm battling the demons of vanity on this one. it's true that i have lost weight without taking my thyroid meds. it's also true that my level went down. is that related, she didn't seem to think so. the big questions is whether or not the things i'm doing now would be good enough for a lifetime of relative skinnyness if i was at a level 1. or am i chasing the dream.

lots to think about.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

"Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl."

i don't have a weigh in because finding the scale this morning was way more effort than my brain could handle. what with the well line being frozen again and the fact that i am moved out but not yet moved in, i just couldn't get behind an all out search. let's say, fat. it's probably a mercy that i didn't find it because almost the last thing i did last night was eat 4 olive garden breadsticks. with a full dinner. we had a very busy evening and sadly dinner was way late. and we were startving. and we decimated the olive garden. or we would have if we weren't so fatigued with hunger. why a wait on a wednesday night? who needs cookie cutter italian food at 8pm mid-week. more than we did.

but anyway, i ate four breadsticks. and i have more in my take out box. greedy breadstick whore. that was my mantra last night and i really didn't care. which worries me. my life in food is going to be way different from now on. most nights when i was a single lass, i had dinner at around four thirty. maybe five if i had something to do on the way home. i was an early eater and i liked it. i didn't do much in the way of snacking after dinner, drank a lot of water. things are going to be way different. like dinner at 6 every night. i don't know if it will mean a big change in the way my weight has run. but i know i'll be eating more during the day to compensate for the later dinner. i'm planning to bring better lunches and get more more exercise, i just don't know how the equation will work out.

course i'm starting out great today with two lunches waiting for me and some cookies under my belt already. i'm a rock. i really have to get a grip. i tried on those pants last night and all but one pair fit. i actually fit into twelvs i don't have to pay for. i'd really hate to wreck that feeling with free thai food and italian left overs. not in one day anyway.

i'm off to think of a plan to deal with this day. and to not eat all the food available to me just because i'm stressed. it'll be there when i'm hungry right? that's something to keep in mind.