"We come from a long line of army deserters and nasty alcoholics"

So, my client thinks I'm a recovering alcoholic. She has a bit of dementia and a bent to the dramatic and told me twice today that I am an alcoholic. I wish I could remember the word she used but I guess I blocked it out. She is, if not an alcoholic herself, a dedicated drinker which is fine if you're 84. She can't drive, she can't see, she might as well drink wine. She very often offers me wine because she doesn't like to drink alone and because she has dementia we have this conversation A LOT. A. I don't drink and secondly I'm technically working and no I don't want any wine. At first she kept saying that I don't have a taste for it but would also often say "don't you have just a little with dinner?" and is always appalled when I say no. Perhaps not appalled. I think she feels guilty about being a drinker and wants to think that everyone else is a drinker too to make herself feel better.

My job in theory is very easy but in practice can be really difficult. It's hard having the same conversation over and over again especially when she tells me how lucky my mother is to be dead rather than unable to drive and read like her. I think my mother would prefer to be as healthy as my client is and to have reached her age but then it doesn't work like that does it. I tried to be the perky "you have so much let's make the most of it!" person but it's like pushing a rock up a hill. I feel like it's a waste of our time together to be indoors having these conversations but then it's not my money.

We spend a lot of time talking about the Alzheimers she doesn't have, the balance and vision that would improve if she stuck to gingerale and the British resident of the home who reminds her of Hyacinth Bucket but has always been kind to me. Another topic we hit often is the sexual urges of my animals. She's fascinated by this and I don't know how to make it stop. Animals have an urge to reproduce not just to get laid for laying's sake, but she simply can't tell the difference. This is what happens when you are raised catholic...your husband dies and you're left asking your caretaker to discuss the sex lives of castrated dogs, hysterectomied cats and baby chick chicks she doesn't even have yet.

I'm feeling particularly uncharitable today which happens when I have to work too many days in a row. I don't come up for air until friday so wish me luck and for the cat to get my tongue before I get myself fired. Actually, she likes me a lot and I know she does and most of the time I like her a lot too but some times like when she wants the marshes drained because they're too wet, when she points out fat people to call them slobs, when she talks about the homeless shelter residents as the dregs or when she speaks about the single parent students she had in New York and says "none of them knew who papa was" it really pisses me off. Everyday we pass a quarry right near her apartment and today she called it a mess and before I could stop myself I said "well, you're the one who moved here, that quarry's been there forever" and she didn't say a word. I'm not sure what that means or what I think I'm trying to accomplish by getting snarky with an 84 year old woman. I guess I just need a day off.

"fritos have a calming effect on a woman"

Dudes, I seriously wish I was being candid camera'd today at the grocery store. That was the most luscious and green cart of food I've ever pushed around the store. Must be something about summer busting out all over here today. My car smelled delicious too because I stopped at the nursery and picked up a basil plant and tomatoes and green peppers. Did I mention that Matt had started about a zillion seedlings in March? Well he did and they're almost all dead now. If this were the Oregon Trail we'd be moments from our pixellated deaths. As it is we have the money to buy pre-grown seedlings so that's what we did. It was pretty awesome as far as shopping goes, I almost ended up with an entire car full of perennials. I didn't know I craved flowers so much...I guess all this pine is finally getting to me.

My big winter project was to fill up the freezer and now I'm working on emptying it. Summer is for fresh food after all. Frankly I'm sort of tired of the stockpile. I don't forget a lot of things but I just found some pasta wheels that I could swear I never bought. Also, white chocolate chips...what the hell did I buy them for...I CAN'T REMEMBER and I can't think what I had intended to do with them. I found a cake recipe to use them with but I really don't need a cake. Life is tricky.

To no one's surprise

"I'm not sure I should give bullets to a woman with a pimple."

I almost just left Rebecca a two page comment so I guess that's where I'll start. I find myself lately to be a weightloss blogger who hasn't lost any weight in, uhm, I guess about two years. I've pretty much maintained my size 12 and though my body is always changing I haven't lost any more weight. I can't say that I really care. I'd like to, I really really would but if I did I'd be sucking down slimfast and joining a gym and whatever else it is that people who really want to be skinny do. Maybe get a tapeworm. My real goal lately has been to find exercise that I enjoy that doesn't hurt my body, a diet that makes me feel good physically and emotionally and in general to live a healthy balance.

The priorities in my life have shifted so much recently that I find myself juggling a lot of things and "me" is pretty much always at the bottom of that pile. I'm trying to reinvest in myself a little lately, particularly with food because I've been feeling like crap. I don't want to feel like crap so I have to try harder. This week I'm trying something new, salads for lunch and omelets for breakfast. I'm trying to automate two meals a day to keep up some kind of routine. My client is almost never hungry and when she is she likes to eat out and I'm still trying to get a handle on that because I'm sure it's part of why I feel so awful. I try to order just a salad but she gets a little crazy when I do but I'm just going to have to stand my ground because otherwise my stomach is hiring a hitman.

Exercise, actually I'm getting a ton. Part of my job is walking and part of my home obligations are walking so on the days that we do some extra special hard labor or I get some matwork in I'm already ahead on exercise. I definitely don't think about it the way I used to, MUST EXERCISE OR WILL DIE FAT. I try to do everything now to feel better, although the Tracy Anderson mat is all about vanity but it's still working my arms in new ways and building up endurance. Horrible, horrible endurance. She says when it starts to get easy you aren't doing it right...I'm sure she's going to retire to be a dominatrix. That's how I get through a session...imagining her in black spandex with a whip. Weightloss and health are just so personal.

"It's an insult to crap"

I didn't have to work today and I'm finding myself at a loss with what to do. Bills, dishes, so many choices. If it wasn't raining I'd saddle up the puppy and we'd walk some carriage roads. My client and I did the Day Mountain road yesterday and it was awesome. We walked about 4 miles and I think woof would have really liked it. Since I'm stuck inside I'm working on my house. The more I box up and move out the more I like it. I have entire box of crap cookbooks my dad offloaded on me. I'm an easy mark when it comes to cookbooks but seriously...most of them suck and I think one of them was written by a pedophile. I keep five books close to hand and three just in sight. Any more than that and they just collect dust, I guess I'm not the adventurous cook I thought.

In the way of cleaning house, I sold almost all of the shoes I had to sell and a lot of the rest of them really need to be trashed. There's one pair in particular that is ready for the trash but has taught me something important...how could I not have noticed I'm an under-pronator all this time? Under-pronation can lead to heel, foot, and KNEE pain. HELLO. Gosh I drive myself nuts, I never really tried to figure it out I just assumed I was fat and running was hard and that's why my knee hurts. I'm not saying it's the answer it's just something to pay attention to when buying shoes...and explains why I like my new stability hikers so much. I hate figuring out I'm a moron, such a bummer.

Also, I'm cleaning my closet of the 50* black skirts I collected during my career at the bank. I met an old customer at the market the other day and she said "oh, you've left the bank...you can have a life now" and by golly she's right. No more black, no more heels, I'm going to dress for fun and life now...I'm wicked excited about it. And if you have a need for swishy black skirts do let me know.


*no, not really.

"Begin to feel your feet"

I'm wearing my new Nike Free running shoes and I'm trying to follow their training instructions, they're VERY specific and mostly I don't understand them at all. These are the super light and floppy ones and they're supposed to build up the muscles in your feet and legs to prevent injury. I didn't choose them to build up the muscles in my feet, not that I mind, I just needed some very flexible shoes for Tracy's workout. Pilates doesn't need shoes so I'm not used to finding the right shoes to exercise in except for running. I like them a lot, they're so light and god knows when you're doing her insane leg reps you don't want heavy feet. I tried them once before and I liked them then I just couldn't see buying two pairs of exercise shoes at once. You're only supposed to wear them for a few hours at a time to start with, otherwise the shoe police come to get you.

In not so good for me news I made my first chocolate croissants yesterday from scratch. I should say that yesterday I baked them...I started them saturday. Bastards take forever. They came out pretty good actually. Probably not the best idea ever, much like the donuts. After that I have big plans for correcting my diet. Packing lunch to have with my client is working out very well. I have some work to do on dinners, mostly because I'm lazy. Every once in a while cooking two dinners is just too much to take and I end up snacking or having cereal. I know a real dinner is important and I've been a slacker and it's all my fault. Last week was particularly bad food wise what with the daily dinnertime manual labor getting in the way. It's sort of a shame, with all that work if I hadn't been eating cupcakes for dinner I'd probably have lost some pounds! Shame.

Bonfire of the vanities

I couldn't write yesterday because all my parts were broken. Planting the trees wasn't really that bad, it was sort of the icing on the cake of the ass kicking we've taken this week. We picked up the trees from Fedco yesterday morning and it's obviously a big year for gardening because we had to park two miles away and then I stood in line for an hour (Matt had to walk the potatoes to the car and back so I was the lucky one) and I would have appreciated the rest more if I had known how broken I would be by five pm. Everything was so beautiful I totally wanted to double our order, thank god I didn't...I'd have been planting all night if I had. The trees we planted are so pretty and I hope they all survive transplant, the apples we planted last year all have blooms so we have high hopes.

Meanwhile I have horrible hopes for my skin this summer. I've been outdoors and driving in peak sun hours more this year than any other summer in a long time. I've been doing a really good job with the sunscreen, applying and re-applying but OH MY GOD the pimples! I'm obsessed with taking care of my skin for the future but in the present it looks pretty bad and I'm wondering at what stage of my life is vanity more attractive. Perhaps I just need to switch cleansers. Which is probably the thing to do but OH NO because I have a cabinet full of the current stuff.

This is what happens when you coupon shop to the point of obsession, you can never switch products. I tried the brilliant brunette shampoo ages ago and I just loved it so now whenever I get a coupon I buy some...whether I need it or not. BAD IDEA because I tried that curly shampoo I had a sample of and I liked that even better but I'm saddled with a cupboard of brilliant brunette so I can't switch. This grates on my soul literally all day, every time I look in to the cabinet. If I start washing my hair twice a day just to use it up set up an intervention.

"Mostly you're kindof impossible."

Ugh, I have nothing of interest to say lately, we've been really busy up in the garden. I'm friggin' beat from all the manual labor and I haven't had an ounce of energy for exercise. Matt and I have been killing ourselves to get the holes dug for the fruit trees coming tomorrow. I moved two stacks of wood this morning and I'm beat and it's only 8:30. My work days have been filled with walking and hiking lately and my legs are killing me. In a good way but OW! I know it's good for me I just wish I could see a difference. Patience is a virtue, right?

It's probably good that I haven't had the energy or determination to push myself to exercise because I've had more injuries the last weeks than, uhm, ever. I twisted my ankle pretty well last week, not enough to stop walking because I had to but I felt it. Today I slipped coming back down the hill and sat on my own wrist. I don't really know how I managed that, it was pretty uncomfortable. It seems fine now but it's true that tired ouchy people have more accidents. You know what, I'm a moron. I was just going to type that I didn't start falling until we started working long hours but that's not true. I'm always tripping over myself, sliding in the snow and mud going up to the garden area. I guess it just hurts more when I hurt already. I think my brain is injured too.



As an unrelated note of interest I'm watching the last season of the Dead Zone and they're at a very fancy bus station in Bangor and they just mentioned service to Bar Harbor. Firstly, there ain't no busses that go to Bar Harbor and secondly, I've been to the bus station in Bangor and it's smaller than my bedroom and drowning in orange plastic. I appreciate their efforts though, totally worth complaining about.

"four out of five dead people smoked your brand"

I ate three cupcakes of the cupcakes I made for matt. Puppy ate one whole cupcake, and one top...sans frosting. At least he didn't eat the sugar. It's sort of a shame because I've been trying to watch the sugar lately. My blood sugar has been way out of control lately and I'm just trying to feel better. Eating the cupcakes was entirely my fault, I'm blaming the heat and the thunderstorm and the sunburn. It's not supposed to be 90 in maine in april. Or ever actually. It was way too hot and then we had a thunderstorm and somehow my chastity belt like sunblock allowed me to get burnt. It's not a terrible burn but bad enough to be uncomfortable and really, really tired. I need a parasol, made of flannel.

Banana cream whoopsie

A while back I passed a display of banana cream pudding with the bananas at the grocery store. I couldn't stop thinking about it...so I bought some a few weeks ago. I hadn't felt like making it yet so it's been sitting in the cupboard, waiting. Two days ago I bought some vanilla pudding mix to make Matt's mom's birthday present...exactly the way her mom used to make it. I was mixing it up today for her birthday tomorrow and funny enough, banana. Banana cream puffs. Which would be interesting if it wasn't supposed to be a specific dessert for a specific person. So, now I have cupcakes, cream puffs and two tiny banana cream pies in my fridge. Damnit.

"Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding."

I twisted my ankle yesterday and thank god because Tracy totally said I didn't have to work out if I was injured. WooHoo! No, it's not that bad, we're just having a rough few days here. No one's been sleeping, what with the hiss, growl, bark routine being perfected in the middle of the night. Yesterday I thought if I kept them awake all day they'd have to sleep all night. I prodded them every ten minutes but it still only bought us quiet for the hours of 9-2am. Sheesh.

My brain doesn't seem to be working lately, what with the sleep deprivation. The list of things I'm supposed to do today is treacherous. I have to bake cupcakes and cream puffs and I have to order shoes. I just finished that super hard task, the shoe ordering. It took 2 months to find winter boots so if I start looking for hiking shoes now I should have some by christmas. I'm doing a lot of hiking with the dog and with my client and since I turned my ankle just walking up to the garden it's not overdue to get the right boots. Matt thinks I'm just trying to fill up the spaces where the sold shoes had been...I sincerely hope that never happens.

"You were there, I remember you being there."

Puppy ate my wrinkle cream. I guess he's trying to hold on to his first blush of youth. I was using a sample packet I got with something else I don't even remember buying. I'm using it to try and fix a divot in my face. I'm assuming it was an acne, uhm, hole but it's starting to really look like a big ass wrinkle. You can't tell by the blog because of all the words but I make faces a lot. I'm a face maker. I do it all the time and I just can't stop. Mayqueen could tell you all about the faces I made when I got my tattoos but it's not just needles and ink that make me facey. I do it when I'm all alone, with friends, with the dog and definitely on the phone. I think my face muscles are independent of my nervous system, no other explanation. Anyway, I'm trying to prevent wearing my silly face for the rest of my life with cream, expensive ass cream. Ahem, expensive face cream...for posterity.

Regarding the news of other sample packets I have used lately, John Freida curly shampoo. It was very much like Shirley Temple with her finger in an electrical socket. I kind of loved it. Sample packets rule. I got a tiny tube of spf 90 with my much more moderate spf 70 sunscreen purchase. 90 is serious spfing. I expect wearing it will be like alaska when the sun doesn't come out for three months. Can't wait! I couldn't find a less spfy spf, not that I need one, it seemed like all they had was super human spfs. A hundred years ago I read that nothing more than 50 was effective but it seems like the people who make it didn't read that article. I'm expecting spf seven trillion next summer, maybe I should patent it.

"If you gain weight, you will die."

So, Tracy Anderson does this thing with her abs that I just don't get. Standing ab work, it's called. I've been doing it and feeling like a moron since I got the dvd. I know I'm not doing it right and I can't really figure out how I'm supposed to do it and when my no fat back guarantee falls through the cracks it'll be totally my own fault. I am however keeping up with the arm thing which is the worst and yet the most necessary. My shoulders are seriously killing me all the time, ALL THE TIME. I feel like it's a justified penance, probably the catholic school talking. I keep waiting to see my miraculous new arms but I guess I'll have to be patient...and maybe light a candle.

"I'm not disabled and neither are you."

I'm seriously happy with my breasts today. I'm feeling very woman power regarding my chest right now. I should buy new bras all the time, it's great for the morale. New bras and new jeans, selling off all my old stuff...I'm feeling very new and improved lately. I'm trying to improve my house too, I'm thinking about painting more rooms. When we moved in I only painted the one room because I'm lazy. Since we're going to be in the apartment for at least another year I feel like changing it up a little and I have the time, so I'm going to get unlazy on the painting. I started painting the door...uhm...last year and I haven't finished yet so I guess that's where I'll start. If I can't complete that I'd better not start the kitchen or we'll be living in an episode of extreme makeover forever.

What else...dude, I wish there was something going on to write about. Cooking, cleaning, ebaying...god I'm boring. I'm boring myself. I must have done 6 loads of laundry yesterday, that was my big accomplishment...LAUNDRY. Apparently we're dirty. I did all the curtains and sheets and all the towels that were covering puppy chewing hot spots, spring things like that. It sucks having a house, I realize now that I never appreciated my dorm room...so few things to wash...

"you shouldn't rob a bank without a plan, you shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan"

I went in to victoria's secret looking for a sports bra and came out with half a paycheck worth of underthings. I found one I like, I just tested it out on the trail and no bouncing, but I also found a few every day bras that kick the ass out of the every day bras I had before. Now I just have to toss out all the old ones. EVERY LAST ONE before it becomes a historic collection of bras that suck. Thanks to everyone for the advice on sports bras. I've been trying different bras almost since last summer and it was getting a little desperate.

It was a good weekend over all, we took a lot of walks with the woof but we also ate everything in the state of New Hampshire. My dad stocks a lot of food that I never buy and I always find it hard not to graze. There's a reason I don't buy snacks, I don't even want them when I'm home. I think it's a dad thing to have a house full of food and to give the children a full menu review every ten minutes or so. "There's cookies here and ice cream in the fridge", it wasn't even yummy food it was just there. So many things to work on...always.

"I think I'm goin' crazy every time I pass a vending machine."

Someone asked me recently how Matt was going to pay for his many domestic sins of late, telling me the truth about my hair...HELLO! Karma worked itself out because last night he asked me to give him a haircut. Heh. Not that I sabotaged it on purpose, or that he cared at all, it just looks a little weird. Not as crazy as the Billy Ray Cyrus meets Farrah Fawcett thing he had going on before, but I keep seeing hairs that I missed and it annoys me.

We were in a hurry because we're trying to pack for a very short visit home. Puppy needed a bath (which he is just so patient about, yay!) and dishes needed to be done and also the packing. I imagine traveling with a baby is supposed to be more work but it seems to me they have similar paraphernalia with the exception of clothes. We're taking every toy, snack, bed, and gate we can lay hands on so as not to cause too much trouble. He's really very good in other people's homes. He's really very good all the time but if he injures an inch of my dad's house we'll never hear the end of it so it's all hands on deck.

I'm going to search for a sports bra and I think the ladies in the comments are quite right about just finding something that works no matter what it's called. So wise. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try on bras until my arms fall off or my boyfriend dies of mall exhaustion. It's a very important mission.

Enell sports bra

Has anyone tried one? I decided recently, maybe because I work with an 84 year old woman who is fitter than I am, that I should make an effort to keep my body parts where they are. Matt readily agrees so I'm going to spend some dosh on bras. Let me know if you guys have any breast information to share!

"You failed extremely well."

Remember that girl who passed out in my office at my last job? And when I had to explain to my boss in vivid detail how I knew she was unconscious. Today my client passed out on me in her apartment. Actually, she had a seizure. A tiny little seizure she apparently gets every once in a while. And when I called the authorities that be they said "oh, that happens some times...don't worry about it". Imagine that? Instead of an afternoon full of lecture and insanity, they actually trusted me to do the right thing. Can you imagine? It's really very lovely.

As an extra point of goodness that is my work, I got three walks today. Of course one of them included shepherding two old people with walking sticks on a trail that was mostly washed out which none of us has ever walked before while being completely abandoned by the walk leaders. It was great! Getting lost in the woods with old people is a slice of heaven for the eldercare worker. I'm a little upset about it actually, the whole point of walking with a group is for the the camaraderie and the safety and to have the entire group frickin' leave before everyone gets back seems to be pretty unsafe to me. But maybe I'm sensitive. What do y'all think?

"I'm sweating like Whitney Houston going through customs!"

Woof was awesome today. He couldn't have been a more gentlemanly fur meeting my elderly friend. He snuggled and licked her face and then fell asleep on the carpet. Which I'm pretty sure means they're best friends now. However, I didn't get my hair cut which means I ruined my hair dying for nothing. I didn't think I'd done such a bad job, I shortened the time considering it was going to be washed out anyway so that I could do it again sooner and matt pointed out that it is in fact two colors. If he keeps it up I might start poisoning his food. Sheesh.

"Not bad for a dazzle dancer!"

I've started off today in a very bad no good way. You know that scene in legally blonde where she solves the murder with the rules of haircare? I just tried to dye my hair when I have a haircut this afternoon. If someone dies today my alibi is shot. Puppy and I have a big day today so it would be good if I wasn't arrested. I've been waiting more than a month to get the haircut and and I have a slew of other things to do. We're canning the maple syrup harvest tonight so I really have to get the kitchen in order. We're going to need every inch of counter and since it's going to be sticky sticky, there's a reason they cook it outdoors, so it's in my best interest to move everything elsewhere. I've canned a few things but I've never canned maple syrup so it ought to be interesting.

I have placed tracy in the dvd player and I can't put anything else in until it's complete. I got the warm up and the first leg section done yesterday but I'm forcing myself to start over today. It wouldn't really be in my interest to skip the warm up anyway. I have to admit that my muscles are still burning with basic everyday movements. She's not wrong about using muscles that you don't normally use. However, I can't say my weight or waist have changed any. I think my new work environment has had a big effect on that because we've done a lot of eating out these last weeks. So, I'm buying myself a food thermos. I really need to be eating my own food for all kinds of reasons and I think the thermos will help. That way I can whip out a warm lunch and she won't feel a need to order food for me and I won't be eating restaurant food so often. Money, calories, lots of good reasons to pack a lunch that I don't need to heat. I'm crossing my fingers it works as well as I think it will.

"One pie is like an appetizer to me, I eat that and I unleash the beast!"

I returned a pair of jeans to the Gap today and can I tell you about the hard time those folks have been giving me with returns lately. The last two times I've bought something online and returned it in store they've given me shit. Last time there was a cat hair on the pants and she said they'd have to damage them out. I offered to go buy a lint roller for the one cat hair and surprisingly she said no. This time she asked where the tags were. If you buy online from gap you'd know that you don't get tags. Sometimes you get a jeans tag on the back waist but usually there are no tags at all. AT ALL. And by the way I kept two of the three pairs which is like seeing Jesus in your breakfast toast as jeans shopping goes. If they would stock my jean size, not everyone can be tall enough to be a regular...seriously...we wouldn't have this problem. I could try clothes on in the store like a normal person and have good blog fodder dressing room trauma. Thieves are the Gap, thieves.

So, hey two pairs of jeans fit and I even like them. I was debating about keeping two pairs when I only really need one. Matt thought my but looked cute in both pairs and encouraged me to keep both. I had to explain to him the way things work and how when you buy two pairs of jeans that fit when you only need one you will inevitably lose just enough weight to make them look like shit and also waste the money you spent on expensive ass Gap jeans. And therefor you have to start all over again with more money and more jeans to cry over. On the other hand, if I kept only one pair I'd be sporting the same poundage through next summer and I'd wear out the one pair and find myself in exactly the same place I was two months ago with no friggin jeans to wear. Pretty much he said keep them if you want to and don't worry about the money. Pretty much either way I'm forking out more money for clothes and I'm thinking nudity is highly underrated. Wearing clothes you like is just too emotionally trying, I'm worn out with it.

"I've already been injured once this month!"

I totally didn't do the tracy video yesterday so you can all yell at me in the comments. I got home late and even though I spent the morning washing dishes my boyfriend asked me if I washed any dishes when I got home. So I had to beat him up and that makes a girl tired. He's the one making all the dishes dirty boiling sap for maple syrup so it's NOT MY FAULT that all of our dishes are in the sink or that my soup pot is covered in woodburn. I made that up, I don't know what it's called when your boyfriend uses your best cooking pots on an outdoor wood fire and they all turn black, maybe treason. When all the sap is boiled he'll be the one washing dishes until the cows come home, or until they're actually made of metal again...whatever comes first.

"No. I'm a rebel. You're an idiot."

The muscle pain today is confusing because I didn't do any Tracy exercise yesterday. I felt a little painful last night and I wrote it off to a long day and then now, I'm thinking I need to get some serious stretching. You hurt if you do it and if you don't, that's hardly fair. I'm definitely going to do some work today. A lot of her exercises are things you can do while you're just hanging around. it's not in the "strategic muscle exhaustion" routine but I think it'll loosen up my muscles a little. My right shoulder in particular is killing me, which sucks because usually exercise makes it feel better.

I'm going to have to work pilates in to my routine because tracy's arm exercises are really awesome but I can't live with my shoulder acting up. You'd think it's just an arm and why do I need it anyway when I don't have a real job but seriously, arms are important. My boss lost her balance a little yesterday and grabbed my arm for support, which is essentially my job, and I thought it might rip right off. And it's not like you can tell an old lady to let go, you just have to ride it out. Yikes.

"and his hair was perfect.."

All of a sudden I have a lot of work to do. One of the people that worked with me quit, which is a relief, and now I have a buffet of hours to work. It's awesome for my savings account but I need to do a lot of planning. I've made rather a lot of commitments based on my previous schedule and now I have to uncommit to almost everything. I've had about 10 hair cut appointments these last few weeks and between my work and the hairdresser being in the hospital, I haven't been able to keep any of them. My hair is a mess.

I still have to do my tracy video today and I'm seriously dreading it. I really, really don't want to. It's the first time I've felt like I really didn't want to do it since I brought it home. I'm at that hard point in the day where you decide whether to take a day off from exercising and then it turns in to two years of sitting on the couch eating frosting. Probably one day of rest won't be the end of all calorie burning but I wonder at my will power. Make sure you all kick my ass if I don't get my tracy on tomorrow, seriously.

"advisably, soberly, and in the fear of god"

That ugly purse has gone up to 15 dollars and I find myself feeling much more positive about all those questions this morning. And also puppy and I went for a long walk/jog and oh my god that tracy anderson! Can I tell you about my ass, is that too personal? because it's burning. Not in an ointment sort of way but in an oh my god those exercises really do work sort of way. She advises you not to do any exercise but hers, because her method is meant to create the tiniest body possible and other exercises "bulk" but I don't really care about that so we went for a jog but if I had realized the pain factor I might have rethought. Also, I think she found a way to work the muscles way below the abs and the jog must have used them too because WHOA, and also DAMN. It feels like my uterus did sit ups which is way more bizarre to experience than it is to read, if that's possible. I'm so glad I have a blog because writing that in a journal just wouldn't be as fulfilling.

"I didn't order any vampires."

I can't believe I am awake at 4:30 on a monday morning answering ebay buyer questions about a purse that has so far raised the princely sum of 1.29. I would have thought perhaps a bid could reach even two whole dollars before I have to measure every single seam but I would have been wrong. Very wrong. And also, there are only eleven hours left. Folks had 7 whole days to ask me to list the various parts of this purse that are leather. Leather trim means leather trim, the trim parts are leather...it might even be fake leather...evil!...for 1.29 I just don't care what the zipper pulls are made of. I'm sure I'd have been happier to answer these questions last week, god I hate auctions.

I totally feel better now. And I'm totally feeling the tracy anderson burn. I routinely cook with cast iron and yesterday I couldn't lift the pan. I've only done the video three times and I can't quite do it all at once yet. I have to take a rest break between legs, arms, arms, and crunches or I simply can't muster the will to live. I do find her attitude helpful. Before the arm section(s), which is/are the absolute worst she says "you might think you can't do this but you can and you must" and it's not that I think she is the be all, end all of trainers but she doesn't have a wishy washy attitude about it. You have to work to get results and you can do everything she does it just hurts. It's about will power and determination and pain and I think that's a pretty fair view of weight loss. If it were easy we wouldn't be here whining about our bodies. It's work and if you're willing to do it all you get results, I think that's a very healthy way to look at things. I have clearly been unwilling to work very hard, uhm, this last year and there's no room for that...not if I ever want to stop being a whiner. I'm definitely going to keep up with this dvd because I've never felt my arms this sore, sore in places I didn't know I had. I can already feel a difference in the muscles under my arms and it's only been three times. Just think if I didn't have to sit and cry between sets!!!

"Yeah, we came to warn you about the... angry puppy."

It's very seriously raining today and Knox and I have been stuck inside all day. We both need exercise but funny enough Knox doesn't feel like doing that tracy anderson dvd with me. Shocking. It's just too wet outside to walk, falling on your ass in mud is funny the first 5 times and then it starts to get old. It's not so much the falling and the bruising, it's the laundry. I spend all day washing mud off clothes, floors, puppies. Spring is a very dirty season.

The ebay sales are finally coming to an end. I couldn't be more relieved. It's actually very interesting to see what people like. Obviously I liked all the things I'm selling because I chose and bought them but some things have fallen farther out of favor and I'll be so glad when the acid green tommy bag is gone even if it is only sold for $1.04. In the way of things that will eventually go on ebay I just tried on yet more jeans. One pair fits very well and one pair will be totally awesome in about 5 pounds. Famous last words. I'd better keep the receipt!

Ok, seriously, tracy anderson is a masochist...a tiny, tiny masochist

Dudes, I didn't even use the weights...three pounds, two pounds, I'm talking no pounds here and I died. I actually died. All the famous people who do her routine say "I hurt in places I didn't know existed" and seriously, dude, I only finished ten minutes ago and I'm bro with a capital KEN. Tomorrow I might need a full body amputation. Or a pound of advil. It's a toss up.

Everything was completely do-able even if I did want to kill myself while doing it. Sometimes I look at the things I'm supposed to do for Ana and I think "no, no, no one can do that" but this I can do. I don't want to do it EVER AGAIN but I will and I'll report back, for the good of the people. But wow, wow, wow, she's a seriously hardcore little pixie person. Honest though, about twenty times during the routine she says "this really kills" or "your arm should be really hurting right now" which I appreciate. I hate it when the instructor is all happy and fluffy and perky while you're in your living room chewing at your wrists trying to draw blood. I hate perky when I'm trying not to die, I guess I'm particular that way.

"Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place."

I just decided that I hate ebay. This waiting for days and days to find out if someone will or will not decide to bid on an item sucks. I'm not a patient girl apparently. I just want these things gone but it seems I want to get some money too, I'm so complicated. The thought that one more day might help me get rid of two bridesmaid's dresses is almost intoxicating. Closet space is like a drug to me right now. I'm "this" close to filling a u haul for goodwill with everything but pet food and calling it good. I feel like this about every two weeks lately, it must be some kind of minimalist phase.

On the other hand, the hand where I keep buying stuff, I just got my tracy anderson video. I always like to do a dry run first, so I know what I'm getting in to, and it looks ok. It looks really good actually. The arm section looks to be about half an hour of holding your arms up but nothing looks actually impossible, just painful. It's mostly standing and working with a chair, the mat work is leg work and is only 15 or 20 minutes. I'm psyched about not needing a mat for most of it because matwork is a pain in the rear with the dog loose and when I confine him the whimpering wears on my concentration. A love as true as ours can be so hard.

Anyway, I'm going to actually try the video this afternoon. I still have about 7 million hours of cleaning to do and a puppy to walk but I'm going to make it a priority. Prioritizing is the word of the day around here from now on. I spent about 5 hours yesterday working on a present for the boyfriends brother's girlfriends child and probably that wasn't the best way to spend my time. Not five hours of it anyway. Next time I'm buying a barbie and calling it good because FIVE hours of my time is worth more than a five dollar toy. And since I spent 30 dollars on the video I need to put a lot of hours into it. It'll be good for me. Hopefully.

"stone cold munchin'"

I am feeling very productive today because a. I finally did my taxes and b. I got all my shoes listed on ebay. I'm now working on bags, I had no idea I had so many purses in storage. They're everywhere. Seriously. They must be reproducing. Which would be awesome, anne klein hobo meets coach wristlet...how cool would that be? Wow, I digress. No, I think you can only digress when you actually have something to say. I have nothing to say so I should probably embrace the digressions, or post pictures.

Happy early Easter!

"That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp."

Matt says we don't need a humidifier. Not even if it's hello kitty shaped. Which is ridiculous because my sinus' are like the desert. I've been hovering over the boiling teapot to try and fix myself, which is way less adorable than hello kitty but my pores are amazing! We're still covered in snow and it was actually raining this morning and yet, dry. Frustrating. I think I have some sort of lazy girl cold because I met my friend this morning to climb blue hill mountain (hehehe) and we only made it like...an 1/8 of the way. There was snow...and we were cold...and the woof would seriously not move his furry feet because apparently LOTS of dogs have spent a penny on that mountain. Baby woof, by the way is celebrating his 43rd pound and is not yet six months old, I'm so proud!

Tomorrow, we're celebrating an anniversary and it's crazy hard to decide what to do. We go out, you know, never so there's a lot of pressure on the decision about what to do. Also we have no money so that's prohibiting. We were going to go to a movie but they all appear to suck so that's off. We're down to bowling and uno at the kitchen table. We'll probably use all the money we budgeted on dinner so it might all work out, dessert! I had planned on making something, which I always do, but it's nice to sometimes have food you didn't cook yourself. I think a nice dinner could make up for playing jenga and watching smokey and the bandit instead of seeing a sucky movie in the theatre.

I'm also hoping for the arrival of my next shipment of inadequate jeans. The last emergency airlift of jeans was awful. The size 14 pair which I was secretly sure would fit because I'm so fat TOTALLY DIDN'T FIT, they were way too big which is good except the 12's were a little too tight. It was distressing. I'm hoping the next ones work out better, but not too much better because hot jeans are expensive. I'm crossing my fingers for one pair, which I will then wear in to the ground and be pissed about in a year but whatever, momma needs a new pair of jeans.

"Did I mention I didn't take Latin?"

I think I figured out how to log our hikes. I suspect that Sparkpeople isn't very thorough in their calculating. I suspect that when I enter 45 minutes of a hike up hill that Sparkpeople doesn't consider that just less than half of that 45 minutes was spent going downhill. I don't think they care about the subtleties of physics. Therefor, I suspect that if I enter half of the time I spend hiking with the pup on the Sparkpeople calculator I will have a more accurate count of calories burned. Mystery solved.

In other news, I'm selling my shoes. Trying to anyway. I have finally come to the very difficult conclusion that I cannot wear high heels anymore, certainly not all day at a professional type job which is what most of my shoes are for. For my last interview I wore a pair of new bandolino's I bought on sale which were totally awesome and for which I'm still hurting for wearing once more than a week ago. So it's time. Past time actually but whatever. I'm keeping my boots and a few of my absolute favorites but the bulk of them are on ebay. I'm trying not to be sad about it, I'm going to use the money to buy some new boots, or flats or something to salve the wound. Like chocolate, she jests.

not possible

I just added my day's food and walks into sparkpeople and according to them I should be dead. Or at least skinny. Knox and I burn almost 900 calories a day on our walks and since I don't sit around all day and eat donuts (did anyone else notice that AskMen recycled that article?) I should be so much skinnier. I had been doing pretty well entering things before I started my temp job and either I'm a sleep eater or they're wack. Or is it whack! I'm trying to enter everything very carefully but I'm not finding comfort in the data. I was happy for about ten minutes after they told me one walk burns 450 calories but we've been taking those walks since he came home with us and I haven't lost any considerable amount of weight.

I'm taking a harder look at what I eat and how I prepare foods. The soup thing is awesome, I know I'm getting more vegetables and protein but also sodium...I tried really hard to not add salt but soup sucks with no salt, there's no amount of bouquet garni that will cover the absence of salt. So I think that's a problem, more salt and definitely less water (also a problem) and I guess I'm just not paying as much attention as I thought I was.

I've been thinking about the super skinny lady from the temp job I mentioned a while back. We talked for a while on my last day. She has undiagnosed celiac disease and recently started drinking these smoothies for breakfast. Frozen bananas, yogurt, other berries maybe peanut butter for protein. It sounds so simple and easy, another of those prep on the weekend and it's nothing to scoop and mix during the week things. I technically have time to make whatever I want for breakfast most days so the time saving component isn't a big deal for me but it just sounds yummy and easy. Protein and fruit and calcium, I'm really interested in trying it so I'm going to work the right things into next week's grocery budget. And also I ordered the Tracy Anderson dvd. I"ll report back soon!

"I said no camels"

Can we talk about the cold? It's supposed to be spring, it is officially spring and yet, in spite of the springiness of now it was 25 degrees today. Last week I was thinking about spring in NH as a kid. It would be freezing in the morning so your mom would dress you in fifty layers and then by lunch it would be 60 degrees and everyone would have heatstroke...the next day you wear light clothes and die of hypothermia. It's been a hypothermia kind of day. I put away my long underwear a few weeks ago when the temperatures were toastily above freezing and that was a big mistake. I feel like I handled the cold very well when it was january and now it really pisses me off. It's not even good for the maple syruping when it's so cold all day.

Now that I've got that out of my system, Hi! I made some unexpectedly good soup today. I usually use kidney beans...for no real reason, it's just what I've been using, and I ran out of them today so I substituted black beans and it came out really great. Sort of a very vegetabley black bean, not as thick as the usual but with more heft than a broth. I packaged it all up in half cup tupperware and I'm ready to roll for another week. You have to have soup when the daily high is only 25 degrees in friggin' march. Soup and hot chocolate. I picked up the hot chocolate for matt, since he's not a tea drinker and warm drinks are a necessity of winter. Anyway, the cocoa I got is Swiss Miss Great Start and it's pretty great. It's not low calorie but it's full of extra vitamins and calcium so it's good for both of us. Which is what I tell myself when I make a cup every morning. At least it has more vitamins than tea even if it does have more calories.

I've been reading about the Tracy Anderson 'method' lately, anyone know what I'm talking about? Apparently she was Gwenyth Paltrow's trainer, and Madonna I think. I've read that it was ridiculously hard but gave results almost immediately which I think would be great for motivation. It's easy to work hard when you see results. Not to say I'm not feeling results of the pilates because I am, I feel really great but I'm no where near the "new" body stage. Sometimes feeling great is enough and sometimes it's not and I've got to say I'm tempted by the Tracy Anderson thing. If anyone has the goods on that 'method' let me know, I'd love to hear about it.

"he's Canadian, but not the french kind so we're ok with it"

I am CRAZY with the grumpy today. It should be an awesome day because it's the last day of this ridiculous temp job and I told puppy this morning that it was the last day of us being apart and I tried to be happy but I'm just grumped. Last night there were some animal antics that woke us up, it wasn't entirely naughty just bad planning on the human end but I found myself unable to sleep and thoroughly pissed off. Out of nowhere, it was insane, it was a tidal wave of fury. My boyfriend, who loves me, kept moving over on to my side of the bed to cuddle and at 4 am I was hanging on to the very edge of the bed "this" close to beating him to death with the lamp if he put one more inch of skin in my space and then the alarm went off. Then the usual hissing and growling and barking ensued and no one slept until the alarm went off again at 6.

Even before we brought home the woof, chairman meow had to get up with us in the morning. She wakes up with matt at 4 and follows him around and then when he leaves she comes back to bed and waits to get up with me and be my furry shadow. Knoxaroni would be fine sleeping during the human movement but fifteen pounds of meow makes quite a furry thud and that he can't resist so by my reckoning if the cat would just stay the eff in bed I would get two more hours of sleep. Instead, she follows matt and he follows her and then there's hissing and barking and frustrated people saying "nevermind" over and over again.

Right now I'm sitting at my fake job using their totally unlocked wireless and counting the hours until I can go home. NOT SOON ENOUGH but I have a book and I have the blogs and I packed two cheese sticks instead of a cupcake so I'm trying. I'm putting all my feet forward to have a good day and shake this mood and be happy that I have my life back tomorrow. Happy or bust, is where I am now. Happy whether I like it or not. Happy if it kills me. I might just stand in the hallway for the next 6 hours because this is a government building and there's a big ass picture of Obama smiling and that totally makes me smile too. Who needs a cupcake when you don't have a moron for a president anymore.

all your diction dripping with disdain

So, I erased whatever was here and I'm typing anew. Have I mentioned that everyone at this job is super thin? Well, not everyone but enough for it to be overwhelming. There are two normal, average amy looking women and they're both on diets. One does Nutrisystem with mixed emotions and the other is on some salad eating diet but seems very happy. The person most concerned with sugar and fat is the skinniest lady, she's also the best dressed. I wonder most about her, I must admit. We're all familiar with the never ending diet syndrome of the moderately overweight but her, uhm, diligence is something else. I guess that's the way you have to be, I know you can't do your diet and then turn it off...you have to fight the dark forces forever it just seems like a sad way to live. From she who has a cupcake in her lunch bag, a tasty tasty cupcake.

I haven't properly stepped on the scale since I took this job, I just don't have time in the morning. Which is crazy because how much time does it take to stand still but I'm forever rushing breakfast and shower and then it's too late to get weighed. I have been stepping on it later at night...mostly so I can say to myself "that would be less if this was morning". I suppose when my post dinner weigh in reaches 300 pounds I'll know something is going awry.

I have, in contrast, been feeling really good about the pilates and our daily hikes. I can now run up the hill even in snow boots, which I certainly couldn't have done in January, so I'm getting more fit if nothing else. I'm looking forward to when the snow melts because I'm going to start trail running. I'm hoping that it proves to be better for my knees, because the surface is softer, and I know it'll be safer for me and woof (as long as we don't cross any mama bears). We're going to try it out anyway, I just don't feel comfortable with running on the road. Knox is safe now playing in the yard, he doesn't venture near the driveway, and I just can't bring myself to make him use the driveway and end up on that horrible road. Hopefully it all works out for everybody.

Also I did all the things you have to do to go to blogher. Except packing. Did I mention that already? I've said a few times for different conferences "Oh, I think I'm going to go this year..." but I actually forked over money this time in return for emails assuring me I'll be getting on a plane and sleeping in a hotel and wearing a badge with my name on it. Maybe. So, if anyone out there has also forked the money and gotten the emails and would like to, you know, get together awkwardly and in person do let me know. It'll be just like a high school reunion but with fun!

slowly going feral

I sincerely need to get out of here. I just got instructions on weighing an envelope on the postage scale. Not only am I not a moron I have also been weighing mail all week and we haven't burnt down yet. I thought doing brainless menial labor would be super easy and painless but it turns out not so much. Like I thought being unemployed would mean that I would spend all day exercising and looking at lettuce for lunch. I should just take everything I think and do the opposite...like maybe vote republican and subscribe to cable. My personal assistant work might be out of the box but I'm never made to feel stupid and it's enough to sustain us. We won't get rich but we won't starve and we'll be able to pick up a second car that won't be so close to being redundant. We're actually thinking of going new, which goes against everything I believe in but if the math works that way what the hell?

So, how have you all been? I feel like I've been on a different planet lately, not having a computer to play on. I'm loving my pilates regimen, I don't think I look any different but I feel better. The positions are so much easier when you have a few sessions behind you, the success feeling is a really great motivator. I wish I had taken better notes as to when I started pilates a day because I definitely missed some days with travel and this insane job. I had such high hopes of charting my progress.

And also the pope goes to africa and says condoms aren't the answer to aids which is another reason I'm glad we stopped going to church. Useless, useless man.

"Probably just your garden-variety disaster."

The temp job is beyond boring and my evenings are filled with the very exciting tasks I used to spend all day doing, like laundry. Also my weekend. Saturday I spent a good deal of time cooking for the week. I was going to make soup but I made a last minute substitution for vegetarian chili...which came out really great. It's been hard having to pack a lunch that takes no time but is also filling and healthy and full of protein. I'm hoping to get back into broth soup soon but I might have to break down and buy some. Time is so limited now, it's funny how you forget how to schedule yourself for an eight hour work day. My priorities are walking the woof and getting pilates in every night so homemade soup might have to take a back seat while I'm working 8 hour days.

I'm already tired of the state of my house. I have NO IDEA how I kept up with the cleaning when I worked, I think maybe I had pathetically low standards so it didn't bother me. We seem to have so much going on right now. We're preparing for chickens and we have 40 maples tapped for sugar season. Some of them are ridiculously over tapped actually, because they're coming down after the season and you might as well make the most of their life force if you're going to cut them down in a month. It seems like there's so much to do right now which is exactly what happens when you sit around waiting for something to happen and then all of a sudden you don't care any more and a thousand things happen at once. Aaargh.

"We need to talk about your TPS reports."

So, my first day of full time temping was wednesday. The woman who was showing me my ropes suggested I bring a book...so I did. There was literally no one there on wednesday, one woman and none of the 5 calls I got were for her. So I read most of my book and brought it with me for the very last chapter on thursday. Everyone was there on thursday and still there was nothing for me to do, so, I read my book. The director would walk by every few seconds and say "do you have enough to do" and I would say "frankly, no, it's just not that busy". I get how he thinks I'm wasting his money, but sitting there sans book is equally unproductive and there are no customers...it's just an office...so there's no one to think I'm neglecting them. The girl I'm replacing broke her leg and she's waiting at home until she's well enough to sit at a chair with her leg elevated so she can come back. She'll be back in two weeks or less. There is simply no point in teaching me her job only to fuck it up for her to have to fix and also, for the pay I'm receiving I'm simply not going to kill myself to produce for them...just not going to do that. I guess I can't read a book on the day the director is there...perhaps a deck of cards...

Meow: that girl is leaving, leaving for EVER.

Woof: no, she'd never leave me. She loves me. She's only awake because she's being efficient today. That coat is for the cold...in the kitchen...

Meow: she's NEVER coming back.

Woof: sob sob sob...

Boring with a capital bore. Must schedule labotomy. Stat.

Dead like me

So, I have to go to work later. Actual work with phones ringing and papers to file...like Happy Time but less reapery. And I had such plans for today. What a bummer. I'm not entirely sure what to do about my jobs at the moment, this new one is temporary which is great but I'm not sure how it'll work with the other thing. It's not enough money to give up the other thing for but it fits my unemployment requirements, at least for the moment.

I've been waiting forever to get some kind of call and now I have and I'm finding my plans for the week dashed, how annoying! We were going to pick up seeds, and chickens and other things this week. My life as a farmer has been derailed *and just in, a call for a second interview for the previous job thing from last week*. When it rains it freaking pours. I'm suddenly feeling glad I ordered some grown up clothes with my jeans order...all of a sudden there are places and people to dress for and my vaguely professional wardrobe from my bank days is sadly depleted and or a size ten. The trials of working life...

pumperfickle

This weekend I made my very first bagels. It was actually easier than I thought but it takes forever, which is something to remember when I'm whining about the price of really good bagels. I was trying to make pumpernickel, which are my favorite and also elusive, but I can't read english so they're more of a golden rye in color. They taste the same though, because they are pretty much the same barring the color.

These are some pictures of the process, boiling, sitting, preparing to bake and after the oven.




They came out better than I would have thought for a first try, maybe a little too chewy. I had intended to make a half dozen but the key to the color in this recipe is using molasses instead of sugar and I added the sugar anyway...so they're half molasses and there are twelve of them...apparently that's how I deal with a cooking crisis, make double of something that could be a waste of time. It's fine though, they're yummy and they're in the freezer. I tried butter pretzels a few weeks ago, which were awesome...and now yummy pumpernickel bagels, and now matt has requested donuts. Heaven help me if they are a smash hit...the last thing we need is a constant supply of kickass donuts.

I'm 3 days into 30 days of pilates. I'm trying out josef pilates' 10 times and you feel better, 20 times you look better, 30 times you're a nubile cheerleader thing. I have to gate up the puppy and he cries and cries, he really wants to do pilates too. I had been trying (ie. not very hard) to get back into pilates but recently my shoulder started to really, really hurt. It did the same thing three years ago before I started doing pilates at all and the exercise made it better so, I'm trying harder to save myself the agony. It also helps with my "tennis elbow", funny the benefits of taking care of your muscles. Anyway, I'll keep you all updated on the nubile cheerleader thing...personally I'll settle for not being in pain anymore but I won't say no to the other.

"serious shit calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor."

The golden rule of dating is always if someone asks you on thursday for a date friday you're supposed to decline because you're so busy and popular and if they really valued your time they'd have planned ahead. I'm noticing a similar pattern in my job search. I have had two official interviews for two official jobs since I was laid off and every time I get a call to schedule it's always "Hey, can you come in tomorrow?". The calls always come weeks and weeks after the resume is mailed and it makes me think they had the perfect person and that person fell through and they're scrambling. What do you guys think? Am I reading too much in to it?

I obviously didn't get the first job, though I got a great referral out of the meeting, the second job interview was this morning so I'm officially waiting. I'm not sure I want this job, not that there is anything wrong with it...I'm just not sure about it. It's a perfectly reasonable job with reasonable pay but it conflicts with the other work I have accepted and I don't know what I'll do if they offer me the position. On the one hand a stable job with a decent wage is a rare thing and it would be difficult to turn it down. On the other I've been putting effort into making money in other ways and it feels premature to take something so...pedestrian. Alas, that decision is not my problem yet so why worry about it.

"Even slaves get minimum wage"

I am ill. I have a sore throat and a stuffy nose and terrible case of the whinies. You'd think that it wouldn't matter whether or not you're sick when you don't have a 9 to 5 but it does. I'm equally as annoyed as I would be if I had a job only there's no distraction so maybe I'm more annoyed and also I've taken a lot of drugs so my words they aren't making of the sense. I didn't sleep last night so this morning I took one of every pill that said daytime on it and it seemed to work. I'm completely unable to concentrate on how crappy I feel so I'm calling it success.

I'm tragically out of soup. I had been making a batch a week and with half cup servings it lasts a good long while. I should have made a batch yesterday but I had that hour and a half of work to do. You know how work can fill up a schedule. I should be cooking soup right now instead of blogging but probably I shouldn't be handling knives just now. Perhaps I can will the celery to chop itself? And the carrots. Nevermind...about that work I did...I think this part time job is going to be awesome. I didn't actually work yesterday...I just met the client and drank tea and ate cookies. I have an appointment with her on Sunday to eat brunch and go for a walk. THIS JOB FRIGGIN ROCKS! I wonder if I'll be able to handle taking money for hanging out with this lady, that might be the hardest part of the job.

how come you're not rich?

My response to Lauren's comment got so long I made it a post. The how I got out of debt story, by me. It's really long so, uhm, skip it if you don't give a shit about getting out of debt.

In theory you're supposed to write down everything you spend for a month and then look at it and be appalled. I did it a little bit differently, I added up all my bills and compared it to my paycheck which was relatively stable. It looked awful so the first thing I did was cut off my phone. A big important step is deciding what is and is not a necessity for you. The land line phone was not a necessity for me. I didn't have a home phone or internet for years. I used the library and my cellphone (which I kept for driving safety because I took a lot of long trips in crappy cars). Step two, drive a crappy car. You do not need a new car, not ever, I'm talking to you! You want it and that's ok as long as you can honestly afford it but it's totally a waste of money*.

Another non necessity is cable, I never had cable so I didn't have to cut that but I did keep netflix because it's cheap and I wanted to have something to do that was just for fun. Netflix was not a necessity, fun is not a necessity, but I decided that it was money well spent for me in my life. I also got a lot of movies from the library, and books obviously. I set up a grocery budget and I clipped coupons, and I never ate out, ever. I made a decision that financial freedom was worth more than new clothes and books and pizza...a huge thing was bottled drinks which seem so small in the moment, water or iced tea costs a dollar or more and so does a box of 50 tea bags...you do the math.

I tracked all my spending on a spread sheet, everything, and I used a checkbook register to keep track of spending on my discover card. The books say to always use cash and divide your budget money in to envelopes, if you have a serious plastic problem that's the way to go. I forced myself to pay off the discover card bill every month come hell or high interest so that was a good enough motivator for me but it's probably best to start with real money to get the hang of it. It can be really hard to stop spending. Like it's really hard to stop eating crap. You want it, you deserve it, it's just the one time...NO. The buck has to stop somewhere. If I really needed something I bought it used but it was rare that I spent money on things when I was still trying to really cut my debt.

The above is all about the outgoings and it's pretty simple, stop spending money on shit you don't need. The next of amy's principles of getting out of debt is making more money. I know, it's frickin' rocket science my approach but simple isn't always easy. My first summer of debt crushing I got a part time job. Every cent went to debt. Another way to make money is to sell your stuff. I sold a lot of my school books online, as well as movies and cds (half.com is a great place to sell and buy used items). I didn't have enough things I didn't need to have a proper yard sale but I did sell specific things to specific people. i.e. my extra iron to my old boss' son.

When you have your spending under control and you're pulling in as much money as you can, then you look at your debts. Do you have high interest cards, a low interest student loan (if such a thing exists anymore), make a list with all the information: balance, rate, any special terms. I used to get the no interest or low interest offers on cards I already had all the time. If you have an offer like that which beats your current terms this is the time to call your creditors and say make me a deal. Most people get credit card offers every day and the bank does not want to lose you. You have to be ready to walk though so only play hardball if you have a good alternative. It's not great for your credit score to open or close a lot of accounts but if you only have one card and their rate is insane, it's probably worth applying for a new card (preferably with benefits of some kind).

All of that takes time so begin by paying down the highest interest card while you work on moving things around. Many folks say paying off the smallest balance first is a good motivator but the math doesn't always work that way. Whichever method you chose, throw as much money as you can toward that card while paying the minimums on every thing else. When you have paid off one card or loan or whatever, you take every cent you were paying toward card 1 and add it to the minimum you were paying on the next debt. They call it a snow ball because the payment grows as each debt gets knocked down so by the last card you're putting a lot of money toward it and it's gone really fast.

And what do you do with the now paid off cards? Nothing. If it's too tempting to have them at hand, put them in a safe or the freezer in a block of ice. If the card is new or has a really low limit, cancel the bastard. If the card was your first card DO NOT CLOSE IT. Your credit history (however corrupt the system) depends on having actual history and if you close your older cards your history is permanently shortened. I have my oldest card in my wallet for the few times that somewhere I need to shop doesn't take discover. If you're trying to work on your credit report you want to keep an eye on the old card and use it once in a while and pay it off immediately...just so they don't close it on you. While you have a balance you are your banks best friend...when you owe them nothing they HATE you so don't expect favors from someone you aren't paying through the nose.

There is some debate about having an emergency fund while you're doing the debt snowball. An emergency fund is a cash account that has as much money as you might need in an emergency. A real emergency, not a shoe sale emergency. The idea is that if your car breaks down or you need a plane ticket home or whatever, you aren't adding to your debt to survive the emergency. I operated without an emergency fund and it was fine. I personally saw it as six on one side half a dozen on the other. My personal credit problem came from buying necessities and not plasma tvs so it was easier to halt unnecessary spending than most folks with a spending problem. For a lot of people putting a rental car on their credit cards because their car broke down is a slippery slope into armani and coach handbags. I accepted the risk that I would have to use credit if something very unexpected came up because I didn't want to look at money in the bank that wasn't paying down my debt.

Nothing ever did come up that I considered an emergency. Much like the expensive health insurance I had to have in case something happened. Nothing ever did happen so I switched to cheaper high deductible insurance that would only be valuable in a true emergency. Another thing to keep in mind above and beyond getting out of debt is maxing out your benefits at work. At my old, old job we had a 401(k) (cough) with an employer match (see, most of that money wasn't mine anyway...) health benefits, insurance benefits and fitness benefits. They actually gave employees money to use for fitness equipment. I bought a bike, a stair stepper, and about 10 fitness dvd's and I was one of only a few people in the whole company that used that benefit. Take advantage of your benefits to the fullest there is no reason not to.


*a word from your sponsor about value. It's foolish to assume that you will never have to buy something while you're getting out of debt or ever after. Frugal is about making good decisions, spending your money wisely. I.E. A good used car not only saves you money driving off the lot, you save on car insurance and registration tax too. Of course, you may have to pay for more repairs sooner on an older car but you won't be worrying over every scratch and bump in the road as does one who paid 5 grand more for a warrantee. As with all things, one must do their research. I do not advocate buying the cheapest thing in all situations. I used to work with someone who had way more debt than me and a very stupid husband who had what some call a poor mentality. Poor folks think rich folks buy what they want when they want it all the time, like a Paris Hilton. This is not true of most people who manage their money well. People who manage their money well research their purchases and make careful decisions. The couple of which I speak wanted a couch, they went to the cheapest store and bought a brand new couch, they were having a baby so one day at walmart he decided he had to have a digital camera for the baby, soon after on another spur of the moment walmart trip they bought a computer. When all was said and done they had a camera that wouldn't work with any computer on earth, a computer that couldn't hook up to the internet and a couch that became broken after three months. Buying the cheapest thing isn't always the smartest thing to do, save the money and do the research and buy something worth the money.

If you're so smart...

I just read this thing about the so called "expert of 401(k)'s" taking a withdrawal from her plan to help pay for her sons wedding. Is there any better example of what is wrong with our country in the way we think about money. I'm completely disgusted but I'm extra special sensitive about it because I just paid off all my debts...again...and I did it by closing my 401(k). A while back, I can't find the post to be sure of the date, I paid off every last cent of my ridiculous hand to mouth debt. This is the debt that grew while I was making 9 dollars an hour and paying 600 dollars in rent every month. This is the debt I paid off all alone and in secret because my dying mother in her drug addled state said I was a burden on the family. I'm not making excuses, I could have moved home and I didn't (because obviously) and the decisions that got me where I was were all mine. Alas, I asked for a raise and I sold a bunch of stuff and I stopped buying everything but food and moved apartments. I'm trying to say that I worked really hard to change my life and the way I think about and use money. It was really nice being out of debt.

So, you're wondering what I did to get back in to debt to have to close my 401(k) to resurface. It's very simple. I took a no fee, no interest loan on one of my cards to start an IRA. One of the things about having no assets or children is that you have no write-offs when it comes to doing your taxes. I started an IRA to avoid paying a big ass tax bill to George I'm an asshole Bush. I took a calculated risk. I knew that I wouldn't be fired from my low paying job and I knew that I spent a certain amount to live and the math worked perfectly to do the advance and pay it off before the rate went sky high. Then I got a much higher paying job and my life fell apart.

I recently had to really think about a job that had a starting pay of 8.50 an hour. Do I want the security of having a job or do I want to be worth more than 8 dollars an hour before taxes. That sort of thing happens a lot now that I'm looking for work and I'm having a hard time making the decision. I mention it because making more money was really hard on my budget mentality. It should have been really easy to pay off that IRA loan and I didn't make it a priority because there was so much money coming in. Even when I wanted to quit I didn't make it a priority to pay off the advance. I let go of discipline when I had more money, I didn't just let it go I threw it away, which makes me wonder if I'd be better off at a walmart pay grade.

A few months ago I was starting to run out of time on my free loan and run out of prospects of getting a new job so I closed the 401(k). As part of my calculated risk strategy I knew I'd always have the IRA if the fit hit the shan. I chose the 401(k) instead of the IRA because the IRA is in cd's and can't lose money. It will never make me rich but it won't lose anything. The 401(k) was not only losing money in the markets but was worth so little as to not be worthwhile to hold on to, and it gives me no tax advantages for 2008...so it got closed. 2009 will have the deck stacked against it tax-wise, which is why I'm saving my ass off this year.

I'm looking at it like I made a decision and it went badly and I took the consequences. It's nice to be free again, it's nice to have a second chance to not be a moron. It's against all the rules of being in debt to use retirement money to pay yourself free. It's also against all the rules of common sense to lose money on an investment and a debt at the same time. Suffice to say when my time ran out I'd be paying %16 interest...no investment is making that rate right now with the possible exception of white slavery. Recently I looked at my checking account and there is a lot of money in it. I was forced back into my budget and now I have the cash to make an IRA deposit without using credit, at least enough to lower my tax burden. As much as I wish Mr. Obama good luck, I don't want to pay him 1,000 dollars when I could save it for the future.

"Just dealin', growin', doin' a little Pilates."

My favorite jeans which I had described as worn are now officially holey and that sucks when it's 16 degrees. I hope the new jeans are made of magic because this is a very difficult loss. The old jeans, they gave me an ass to be proud of...I loved them so. I hope there is some denim in the mail today so I can face this crisis sooner rather than later. I hope I have an advantage in that puppy and I have been hiking every day and my assets might be improving on their own. I have noticed no change in my waist unfortunately but my legs are awesome. I am literally in awe of them. They're hiker legs now. Why does that sound dirty?

Anyway, yeah, I'm getting to that place in my exercising life where I can feel the difference when I don't go for a long, uphill walk. Puppy and I went for a visit to my family and we had a whole two days with no hike and I thought my muscles were on strike. We had two good jogs but it just wasn't the same. We actually spent a lot of time walking around my sister's neighborhood because her poor kids are terrified of the dog. Kids that last spring held boa constrictors and petted alligators wouldn't come within feet of the puppy. Only the baby got close enough to pet him. They actually had some nice moments playing in puddles together and he very gently stole a stick she was playing with. Otherwise the visit was a nightmare.

My nephew has this friend who was very badly hurt by a small dog when he was a baby (you know how people with dogs the size of sewer rats don't think they have to train them because they're so little...well, that's ridiculous and dangerous) and has a justifiable fear of dogs. It would probably serve him well if his parents helped him work on this fear instead of feeding it but that's none of my business. The my business part of the story is that he's convinced my sisters kids that dogs are evil and had my nephew pretend shooting at my puppy and calling him vicious. What happens when he tells all the kids at school that there was a vicious dog at his house? Will we banned from his neighborhood? I don't know but it frightens me. I'm also frightened about the kids reactions to him in general. If they scream and run and kick at a genuinely dangerous dog they're going to be severely hurt. Learning to behave around animals is a life skill as far as I'm concerned, whether they turn out to be dog lovers or not.

not sure what she needs the mace for...

"stop picking at that it'll just get worse"

I'm making my arrangements for blogher. It is killing me. I am dying over spending money to fly in an airplane and stay in a hotel and meet people. DYING. But I really want to go and this is the year of doing Amy things even if it does mean we're broke. Matt suggested we save 50 bucks a week and then I'll be all set. The food budget is also 50 dollars a week. So, obviously I'm going to be very skinny by july and matt will be dead so then I'll have his life insurance money and what a brilliant plan! Or I could get a job.

Actually I have another job meeting tomorrow and there are some really good prospects coming up. This is why I had to purchase some clothes that aren't falling apart. The job I'm meeting about is a casual assistant type job but probably not a jeans with holes in it type job. I've applied for some other part time office positions and I'm signed up with the temp agency...I'll have you know I type 73 words per minute. I didn't know anyone cared about typing speed anymore, it seems so 1960 to strive for typing speed. I have vague memories of my brother taking a typing course but I can't remember why...do you need to type well to work at Wendy's?

too much snow

The loose powder on top of the three feet of packed snow is now almost three feet deep which means that the snow is now taller than me. I tried snowshoeing but I kept tipping over...so I trudged a path up the hill for puppy and I to take our walks. IT WAS AWFUL. Very much like quicksand but colder. I fell in up to my arms at least twice...good for the arm muscles bad when the puppy eats your head. The whole walk was excellent cardio, I don't think I've ever felt my heart beat that fast before. We're going up again this afternoon when the pup wakes up from his nap.

I bought some clothes today. I am almost at the anniversary of leaving the bank and starting that stinky job and that was the last time I bought a pair of jeans. Those jeans still fit but they're getting worn so I cashed in my discover points and I ordered a few pairs. I ordered from American Eagle who have the best fit for my size and are all on sale for under 30 bucks...and I ordered from the Gap because sometimes I get lucky with their cuts. The big decision will be when they arrive because I don't need more than one pair in this size. A few weeks ago I bought a skirt from the Gap for 3 bucks which I just loved...in a size 14. I told myself that I was only buying the 14 because it was really cute and cheap but the truth is that if it was a 12 I'd have left the store empty handed. I'm pushing the edges of my safety size and it's not a good thing. It's a bad thing, a very bad thing. It's terrible when your clothes betray you.

Because the right to drive your atv to Denny's is not written in the constitution

I love this man, the state of maine can take their right of way and eat it.

"I can't eat plain ass vegetables all day, I'll get weak and die."

I am drinking a soda because my throat hurts. My throat hurts because I've been hollering in despair because the animals are fighting. I am feeling like a very bad person on both counts. I'm not actually yelling at them, but me wailing turns their attention. I just locked them both in the bedroom to figure it out for themselves. Very bad person. Actually it worked, I think I shocked them into submission...for the time being anyway. I'm a little argh today because the power has been out all day and all last night. It's not so much the fact that the power is out it's the possibility of the waterline freezing again that I can't stand...but that didn't happen. None of the food defrosted and became trash. No frozen limbs fell on house or car. I missed an appointment at a temp agency which is unfortunate but not the end of the world, it was certainly better to miss it than to show up unshowered.

Every year I think about going to blogher and every year I don't and now that I have exactly no money I think I'm actually going to go. Time always seems to be a problem, and getting off work is a problem and I decided that as my own boss I would grant myself the time off. If I start selling my plasma now I should be flush by july. This is one of the reasons I'm so looking forward to temp work rather than a regular job...just the tiniest bit more flexible. At least in my head if not in actual fact.

Anyway, damn. This day has been awful. Who knew that doing nothing but read a book all day could knock you on your ass. I should have made that drink a rum and coke, seriously.

sleeping on the job

rolo brownies

When I was a kid my best friend loved Rolos. Rolos and twizzlers were the sleepover candies of choice. Twizzler brownies would be beyond disgusting so...caramel. They're pretty damn good.

"trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money."

There is some debate as to whether hiking through snow or snowshoeing burns more calories. Snowshoeing burns about 10 calories a minute, I have no such info on snow hiking except to say that I felt equally if not more sweaty after today's hike. We got about 2 feet of soft snow on top of our trail and it's now completely invisible. Why is that important, well it isn't except that every once in a while I stepped on a soft spot and ended up in snow up to my ass. Which is annoying, as per previous post. I've gotten stuck in the snow a few times, once wearing Matt's boots with no socks and I could not get the damn boot out of the snow so I had to walk back to the house half barefoot and he had to get an axe and dig his boot out. Poor boyfriend, no rest for the weary. Also, a personal lesson for the masses, always wear socks because you never know when you'll have to go all survivor man in your backyard.

In other news, I'm baking brownies today with caramel centers. This is one of those times when you're not sure if you want the recipe to work or not because it could be devastating either way. They're for a birthday party I can't afford a present for. Calories, the gift that keeps on giving. I'm doing a similar thing for my sister's birthday only with marshmallow and coconut, apparently it's like a bounty bar but in a cake...how could she not be thrilled? South beach be damned.

I'm going to try and visit my sister with both the cake and the puppy which should be interesting. One of them will have to be in the trunk. She's graciously allowing us to stay with her because my dad will have a cardiac event if puppy sets paw in his house. He's always telling me about the dog that followed him into church when he was an alter boy and the one that knew his paper route better than he did but he's a bit too into his possessions to have a furry running off with them. Not that I blame him, it's just a situation to avoid. Since I might be of the employed soon I need to start using my time to my advantage and get my visiting on. I'm really very busy for a lay-a-bout.

Frankly I'm annoyed

I am right now looking at the Bangor Rye Rolls that I bought Saturday which have developed white mold sometime between this morning and 3 this afternoon. It's very upsetting. Essentially I paid 2.99 for one sandwich roll. And this is why you take no prisoners when it comes to using the freezer because I seriously can't afford to lose 5 out of 6 rolls. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, Valentine's day went very well. The pizza came out the cake came out the cinnamon rolls definitely came out, it was a very carbfull weekend.

There have been a few interesting things going on around here. One, it seems you can't license your dog at the town office. No, you can show up at the town office and the woman on the cell phone will eventually tell you that you could register your car here but you can't register your dog, you have to drive to the town clerk's house. Who knew? Anyway, that's insane so I have an appointment with the town clerk at the actual town office to spend 6 whole dollars licensing my dog. It can't be worth it, it just can't.

What else has been going on...oh, I might have a really cool job. I definitely have some cool writing opportunities and I'm definitely making some strides in cooking healthy food for myself. I have made two decisions regarding cooking in my house. First, I'm switching to green tea. I used to drink only green when I was doing my very best at this so I'm switching back. And then I'm going to start serving soup with every meal. Broth based soups before a meal are supposed to be the bomb so that's what I'm going to do. I have a few really good soup recipes I've been using but pretty much you can put whatever you have around in the pot and there's no waste and it's always tasty. Two things I'm going to try to do, two little things that I feel really good about. That and registering the dog...

Valentine's Day 2009

Obviously this year we aren't going to be celebrating valentine's day with roses and dinner out and champagne. My valentine's day surprise from Matt is another year's worth of Martha Stewart Living and his present will be slavish devotion and copious amounts of heart shaped food. Technically we're going out friday night as a sort of a business dinner regarding that job proposal thing so Saturday really has to be on budget. In other years I would have considered filet mignon...this year I'm thinking pizza...but shaped like a heart...obviously...unless I find a hidden steak in the freezer because nothing says love like frozen beef.

I think the pizza will be fun and the right dinner for a night doing boyfriend things like watching Smokey and the Bandit and eating popcorn with too much butter. Dessert however is the star of the evening and will probably be a flourless chocolate cake. It's been ages since I've made one and they're yummy and decadent and should put a gold star on our valentine's day without me having to buy anything we don't already have. Are you having a thrifty valentine's day too? What are your plans?

"I'm beginning to feel like a potted plant."

Lately I've been trying to understand more about my small town so Knox and I have been taking walks "downtown". There isn't really a downtown, there's a post office which isn't actually in my town and a town hall. The road is quieter and it was especially warm today so we went for a long walk. During what should have been the middle of our walk today I saw a truck back directly into my car. There was a loud bump and the car shook. And then the truck started to drive away. Knox and I ran and waved at the truck and he backed up. He rolled down his window and asked me why I was motioning him. Why indeed? There isn't much damage, just a crack to the light cover. I was probably a little more upset than I should have been. It's possible that I freaked on this old man a little bit but how in the world could he not feel something that I saw from 20 yards away?

I called Matt and he said he could fix it with glue and it's no big deal and I'm sure he's right and I know my car is a piece of shit really but it's the only one I have and I can't replace it. I think that's what was so shocking as I drove home, the thing that made me almost cry, how trapped I am right now. It used to be that if something happened to my car it would force my hand to buy a new one, now if something happened to my car I'd be screwed. I don't like how that feels and I especially don't like how it made me holler at an old man with a combat wound veteran plate. He probably didn't deserve my freak out. I'll have to write him a letter, send him some brownies.

"just a flesh wound"

Puppy survived his neutering. Actually, he passed with flying colors. He didn't even notice that I left and was thrilled to see me when I got there. He is already back to his old self, barking at the kitty, working for treats, licking the memory of his manhood. Actually I have to call them later, they gave him a bath and his whites have never been so white! Matt suggested they used bleach but somehow I doubt it.

I have another meeting about a job. A part time job that could be really fun but little money. It's good timing because my friend has just asked me if I'd like to share a super cheap office space in ellsworth. I'd really like to but practically I might have to work all those part time hours just to pay the rent there and if we sign a lease then I would be a bit trapped financially. Unless having an office to work in is the be all end all of productivity for me. There are lots of things to think about.

"bred for looks"

There is an evil woman in ellsworth, a woman who suggested my dog was bred to be stupid and is also "delicate". I think she's the one who was bred to be stupid, not that I'm defensive about my puppy or anything. I called Matt right away to complain to him and he was mad too, so the outrage is helping us bond. He was house broken at 8 weeks, he sits, lays, stays and comes when called EVERY SINGLE TIME, you and your over bred labrador can bite me. His only problem in the whole world is barking at the cat and sometimes she deserves it so that one is a tricky call. Long story short I'm sensitive about my dog and that woman was a ho.

In other news, since I had to give up running for the winter I've been kicking some snow shoeing ass. We have more than three feet of snow, daunting for both me and puppy to hike in so we've taken up snow shoeing. We have a pretty nicely packed trail now, he is able to bound back and forth along the trail and thanks to some rain a few storms back he can walk on most of the snow without snow shoes of his own. Making the trail is kicking my ass, we're both beat by the time we get home. We push forward a little more every day and now we have about 2 miles of snow track.

I am grateful to my unemployment for the time to take up snowshoeing and the puppy to accompany me. This time has been really awesome in a lot of ways. I'm learning a lot about myself and what I really need to be happy. I'm spending time on my resumes and some of them will be worthwhile jobs if I were to get them but being home is good for me too. There are so many things I've always wanted to do and never made the time and now I'm making the time for the things I am able to do and it's really good for me.

I've been watching the last project runway, what 2 years after it aired?...and I'm thinking about taking my sewing into clothing. I made a few pieces in high school, looking back I chose ridiculously hard things that didn't inspire me to keep going. The nightgowns I made for the kids were very easy and quick and there's no reason I can't try to make more of my own clothes. There are times when I see a perfect skirt or dress and think "if it was only like this..." I have nothing to lose by trying so that's my next goal. I've made a few more quilts and my seams keep getting better. I'm working on a new large quilt for our room and then I'm on to clothes...unless I get a job in the meantime.

Tell me how you really feel