"It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard."

So, a very LONG time ago I wrote a post about feminism and how I was super sad that women don't value the term. It started a small fight about how the word made women feel, if it wasn't for the word all women would be feminists. That's just ridiculous, seriously. But anyway, I've been reading a lot of posts lately about fat acceptance and dieting and how the two are sometimes at odds. We can strive to accept our fat and the fat of others but we can not strive to accept each other and each other's goals, Harsh. I seriously think that overweight women and thin women and all the women in between have an equally hard time accepting themselves because we are all focused on how we aren't perfect. I think the people who really love themselves are few and far between.

One of my super favorite things about my boyfriend is how he sees people. We were in the market recently and there was a very overweight woman shopping with her daughter and she had the most beautiful hair, seriously cover girl gorgeous hair. I commented on her hair after because I covet the simplicity of gorgeous straight hair and he said yeah, she was beautiful. Not "she would have been beautiful if she were thinner" just she was beautiful. I still have to work to see the beauty and not the flaws in things but I'm glad I'm surrounded by people who can do it naturally, I think it's a gift.

"No point to overdoing this exercise junk."

Today was the first day I've snowshoed since saturday's very long journey and I think I might be dying. My legs fell off and I can't lift the phone. If you type 911 on your blog how long does it take for emergency services to find you? Alright, fine, I'm being dramatic. And actually I think my arms hurt from all the sledding. That seems extra silly as you don't use your arms for sledding but when you're going down the hill at a million miles an hour and your puppy stops dead in front of you...you have to slow down and yell alot before the puppy is dead for real. It's been snowing for the last three days and it's only adding up to about 10 inches but the roads suck. I think the idea is to wait till the snow stops and then plow because otherwise it's a waste of money. If I didn't have to work or eat I would totally agree and I'm kicking myself now for not stopping at the market yesterday. I had already risked life and limb for a paycheck, I might as well have picked up milk and dog biscuits while I was at it.

I have no plans today because all my appointments have been cancelled for weather and I have cleaned everything there is to clean. Short of vacuuming the cat I'm out of domestic duties. I think probably we'll take another afternoon snowshoe and I'll work on a meal plan. I've been meaning to do this for two weeks and it's not that things have been going too badly I just want to be using up what's in the cupboards in an orderly fashion. I don't want my clean cupboard goal and my weight watchers goal to conflict, there is room for both if I make a plan first. I truly have never stocked things like chips and cookies and matt's been taking all the baked goods to work so what's left is beans and couscous and saffron rice that probably is old enough to just be tossed.

I have been noticing lately that not only do I not really have sweet cravings but that sugar is starting to taste too sweet. I remember that vividly from two years ago, the amount of sugar I used to add to tea was really sad, I just couldn't taste it. Now I use about a tablespoon a day for 3 or 4 drinks, just enough to cut the bitter and when I add too much sometimes I can't drink it. Matt had me waiting outside a shop for some truck parts and at the end of the first half hour I decided to get a treat from the convenience store. I had planned on a drink, iced tea probably, but I looked at all the candy and chocolate and none of it appealed and I think it's because I gave myself permission to choose something and nothing seemed worthwhile. If I had started out "I can't have this, or that" I think I would have gotten something I didn't really want and finish it and then feel guilty over it. When I keep the ball in my court things work out better, but that really wasn't the point of this story. I chose a honey sweetened green tea and the sucker was seriously too sweet. I had half of it and had to save the rest for another day when I wanted a sweet. I have gotten my taste buds back much faster than I ever thought I would.

Very lightly sweetened tea and tons of water were my crutches in ye olden days and I'm trying really hard to make use of them this time. A tablespoon of sugar costs me one point and I get 3 to 4 warm, sweet drinks that make me feel satisfied. I definitely think it's worthwhile and it keeps me feeling normal like this is something I could do forever, I just have to buy stock in teeth whitener or move to britain. The water I'm still working on. My old water bottles are gross and Matt has encouraged me to get new ones. The old ones are more than ten years old and the plastic is rank. I might choose new nalgene bottles or I might choose a new sigg bottle, I haven't decided. I like the clear plastic because I know how much I've had or have left and they don't dent like the metal, but the metal is lighter and easier to drink from (I really am that messy) and who cares if they get dented you bought them to use them MORON. It seems a ridiculous thing to worry about but I can't succeed without the tools, ie new snow shoes and snow pants and a new coat...a water bottle seems itty bitty in comparison.

"How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face"

I wasn't supposed to have a long weekend but it turns out I did. Work has been really erratic lately and it's kind of messing up my schedule. You'd think endless time off would be a good thing but it turns out there's a lot of wheel spinning. Except for yesterday which I spent sledding and it ROCKED. I must have climbed the hill a hundred times which I'm totally counting for activity points. It was very active actually, all up hill. Like using a stepper except for the racing back down the hill on your rear part. And somehow between yesterday and today I lost a pound and I'm sure it's the all sledding, all the time exercise program I've been on. Who needs cupcakes when you can be a snow speed demon. I decided that winter is awesome for my weightloss, running weather be damned!

"If he gets up, we'll all get up..."

Can I wear this dress to an evening summer wedding? In this color? My rear is definitely not as fine as hers and I have the complexion of copy paper and before I order it I need serious advice. Matt just says it would be beautiful which is probably just an "I don't want to get in trouble" boy thing but then he also said "the belt makes the dress" so maybe he really was paying attention to queer eye for the straight guy that one time. hard call. Anywho, what do you guys think? It's important because if the internet doesn't tell you the truth what is the world coming to? I could also get it in a pretty purple, a lightish green, or a navy blue. I wanted a light blue but alas it is not to be...unless I sew it myself which would be a very bad idea indeed. Or is it a bad idea to wear this dress to any wedding ever? What say thee?

"I'm running low on happy"

That title is bullshit because it is 23 degrees out that's officially the warmest temperature I've walked the dogs in since June, hand to god. Usually 23 is something you hope for mid-afternoon if you don't look at the gauge too clearly. We're getting ready to do our snowshoe thing and I don't have to wear 3 shirts, yay! And the weight watchers website gave me a smiley face for my 2.6 pound loss, who doesn't love a smiley face?

Except for the looming fear of finding and filling out all the paperwork for my taxes, things are going very well. I'm having a very good week. Two days in a row I haven't used all my points, I'm finally getting good at putting the right things together. I didn't use all of my weekly points and I didn't touch my activity points at all. I wonder what would happen if you really did eat every single point, they say you can still lose weight but I seriously wonder. Anyway, I suppose two weeks isn't the worst learning curve, impatience is probably the number one killer of diets in america. And lofty expectations. Alas, I'm keeping my expectations low. I just want to be where I was and stay there but if I keep getting to an actual "healthy" weight I won't complain. We'll see how I feel about it when the time comes eh? There's nothing worse you can do than start projecting how skinny you will be in x weeks. I just want to look better than the bride at this wedding I have to go to, is that too much to ask? I'd hate to be unreasonable about it.

I started a new thing with smoothies. I tried it a long time ago and I sucked at it, I made really terrible smoothies. However, today and yesterday I made really good ones and I'm thinking it's a keeper. It comes to 4.5 points and with a hearty mid-morning snack it's a very good breakfast, especially in a hurry. I am spending more on groceries than I used to but hopefully that will rectify itself soon. When I can figure out a plan for the week in advance and whittle down the necessary items I'm hoping it gets a little cheaper. I'm buying twice as much fruit and vegetables as I have in the past few months (that was getting really bad, I'm shocked Matt didn't die of scurvy) and it's just pricier. Ten boxes of mac n cheese would be cheaper, except for that cardiac arrest thing. It's all relative I guess.

"you've got some nerve hogging all the brutality"

The other day I saw this really great bumper sticker that said "if the definition of beauty gets any thinner no one will fit" and I thought it was pretty awesome. I have no follow up because after I saw the bumper sticker I walked to the bakery and got a slice of cake, and then I ate the slice of cake and since I'm technically trying to be thinner it was all sort of bizarre as far as emotions go. The cake was amazing and the salad I had for dinner to give my points equilibrium was very good too so I'm calling it an excellent monday. Today was pretty good too! I got my new showshoes and I tried them out this morning and they're so light! I don't know if that's good for the calorie burning or not but I didn't want to die halfway so I'm calling it a positive.

I have been working on my new years resolutions which are kind of my all year resolutions and all boil down to being a grown up. My one real goal is to keep my kitchen clean. I hate cooking in a dirty kitchen and if I want to keep things rolling along on the taking care of myself front I need to cook. I'm washing dishes and wiping counters every day while my tea steeps and you know when you keep up with it you aren't tempted to use the steel wool to slit your wrists or anything! I really like my little house when it's clean. Not just for me but for Matt so we can have people over without feeling judged by the clutter. (My client is always talking about the people who judge her and she's so defiant about not caring and it makes me so sad because I really want to fix it with a hug and that's a huge FAIL.)

I've been a huge shopper these last weeks, I've been going wild with my christmas and birthday money. I picked up some really cute but simple kid sized bowls at target that are great for keeping serving sizes in line. I used one for a cup of yogurt and granola and it looked so huge I felt stuffed. It was completely visual and emotional, the bowl always looked full unlike a larger bowl which would have looked more empty. I guess I should take advantage of fooling myself into feeling full and happy.

"Well, I wouldn't bury a live chicken"

Every day since I did my weigh in I've lost another pound. It's freaking me out. I mean yay obviously but I have this horrible feeling that by weigh in day it'll all go to shit. It's not to say that I've been a points angel or something, there's definite room for improvement, I'm actually thinking that I didn't know how terribly I was feeding my body before last week. Yikes, seriously. It's all good for now. I'm still eating just above my daily range with weekly points. This week my goal is to not touch my activity points. That probably won't be so hard because I need new snowshoes. We've just been walking and it doesn't leave me feeling drained or exhausted but it also doesn't give me the exercise that snowshoeing does.

The shoes I have I didn't purchase, they were passed down from someone Matt knows and I have no idea how heavy a person they are meant to carry. This weekend Matt and I went off the beaten trail and it was a mess, I was seriously sinking and my shoes were coming off and he was making less of a dent than the 25 pound dog. It was seriously humiliating. I'm looking at shoes right now and I had no idea the breadth of selection. I have a few shops to check on my trip into town, there's a discount store that might have some left in my size but I'm not crossing my fingers for it. I know it's a worthwhile investment given the truly remarkable exercise I get when I use them I just don't want to spend the money. Argh!

"Bummer, I was just getting the hang of this depression thing."

I picked friday for my weigh in day sort of randomly but it's here and I lost two pounds. Two pounds is exactly what I was supposed to lose so yay! Technically I did my job. There was one day where I did not use all my daily points, throughout the week I used all of my weekly points and I used 13 of my 63 activity points. I've been doing a lot of googling about activity points and it definitely seems like my ten or more a day is enough. According to the website they want you to start with 1 or 2 and build up to about 4 a day. When I first signed up online they ask how you spend your day and I sort of felt guilty ticking the second most active box but I think I need to accept that yes I am an active person. I had been assuming all this time that my exercise level was a big part of the problem and it's not, it's all the damn snacking I do without really thinking about it.

That is the best thing weight watchers does for me, it reminds me that one cookie is not just one cookie, it's part of a whole day, week, month of eating habits that make my body not what I want it to be. I needed to see the little things for what they are and be accountable for them and alas, it seems to be working. I'm asking myself the question "is this something I really want?" and sometimes it's no and that's the place I want to be. I got there myself once but after almost two years is safe to say I needed help to get there again. There's this feeling when people talk about eating whatever they want and I envision they mean eating a platter of cheez doodles for breakfast. I want to change this for me to be eating whatever I want and wanting the best things, including a few bites of a really excellent dessert once in a while and not finding room for a sugar free pudding snack every day.

"And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus."

Yesterday ended with so many points when I look at the number I forget the first digit by the time I get to the last. It was pretty bad. I'm hoping today is going to be better and when I look at the week as a whole I want to feel better about it. I have a lot to figure out still, especially when it comes to finding filling meals. I have to keep reminding myself about forever and how I can find ways to make this work forever I just have to work with it more. I first looked at it like a jigsaw, trying to fit my meals into the frame and now I'm realizing I have to change the shape of the pieces more than I thought.

I was telling Matt about how hungry I was yesterday and I can see how he doesn't really understand. It's not like a craving when you'd do anything for a piece of cake or a cookie it's like a gas tank being empty and I don't care what it is that I eat as long as it's filling. I need to take advantage of that, the fuel aspect instead of the want. It's going to be a long haul of change.

"I almost never shoot people."

I'm preparing for another morning of snowshoeing and I'm having a lumberjack breakfast to go with it. I don't think I can take another day of feeling hungry all afternoon and evening. It's demoralizing. Better to eat a lumberjack in the am than to be so focused on food for the rest of the day. Thinking and dreaming and drooling over food for days on end does not a weight management plan make.

"There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM"

Today was a hard weight watchers day. I have been hungry since EVER and also I'm DYING because I didn't pack enough water and my head fell off hours ago. I'm still working on finding the right foods to keep me happy all day out and about and also the water. I haven't been drinking enough water for a long while now. Long ago I used to take two full Nalgene bottles with me to work and I was still always thirsty. I got out of the habit being at home, just filling glasses and not really paying attention and slowly I just stopped drinking as much as I should. I feel terrible when I don't drink enough water and since the pain isn't enough motivation to do things right I don't know what to try next. Public flogging seems a bit rash.

I'm trying to give myself a break this week as I figure out how to use my points to best advantage. If nothing else it's a good reminder about mindless eating and to pay attention to the little things. I'm also learning that some activities make me hungry like the wolf so it's interesting to see that next to my points for the day. It's an expensive tool though, at least to me. I really hate the idea of paying a third party to tell me to eat less food. I hate it a lot so I'm determined to get my shit together.

On the upside I'm getting good at eyeballing a cup of cereal and milk, I'm learning that snowshoeing makes me want to eat the WHOLE HOUSE and peanuts are a very high point snack. I'm seeking out either low point things I can eat a lot of or medium point things that'll get'r'done. I guess I have to conduct some tests, be a guinea pig, open my mind et cetera, et cetera. Can you use that twice, is that painfully repetitive? How scrambled are my brains today, let me count the ways.

"With the exception of dessert, food is food."

For the first day this week I'm not over points before dinner. I guess I should have gone to the market before I started my life altering diet. Anyway, we're chock full of vegetables and appropriate snacks now and Matt took his big box of cookies to work so life is good. I survived the day with my client without her manhandling me into drinking a coke and I have good feelings about the rest of the week. One week at a time, that's as much as I can focus on right now. Especially after the grocery bill I just paid. We genuinely had nothing so I'm trying not to take it personally but I hope every week isn't that bad. Hopefully when I get some meal plans together I won't feel so broke at the grocery store.

I have leftovers for dinner that won't put me over points, I have chili on the stove for Mr. Matt and I'm looking at a very exciting light brownie recipe. I'm going to have to learn to cook light for me and heavy for Matt, or feed him twice as much. I can't focus on making him fat and making me skinny at the same time and right now I'm making myself my priority so probably Matt will fade away into nothing. Poor dear. I bet he'll end up crying in the Mcdonalds drive thru after work everyday, so sad.

"Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table."

I started weight watchers yesterday and I am not a super model yet! I'm pretty upset about it actually because I think the paperwork promised instantaneous tight buns and reality tv shows. No, really I'm pulling out my measuring cups and seeing what's what. I'm committing to the three months I done paid for and we'll see what's what. There's fitbloggin coming up and an early spring wedding and generally I just need a jump start to get back to my previously healthy habits.

The first day was a little rough. A little rough having to face the consequences of "tasting" Matt's cookies but good as a reality check. I don't even really like the cookies I made for Matt, they're his favorites not mine. One of the things I've been trying out lately is to not eat anything I don't really want, limiting myself to quality foods and not wasting calories on things that aren't really worth it. Not to say it's easy. It should be, but it isn't easy to say no to all that junk. I have to train myself to really think about whether something is worth the calories...or points as it is now. I also have to take a look at my go to meals and see how they stand and what kind of changes I have to make. At the moment I'm leaving it there. One thing at a time.

As for exercise, an hour and a half of snowshoeing a day just to walk the dogs burns about 1400 calories and earns me 14 activity points. At the moment I'm very, very hungry after all that snowshoeing and I'm thinking about my snack options. In my head I know I can push it a bit with the activity points but I'm hesitant to go there so early. I guess for a while I just have to muddle my way through and find a balance with this new system.

A friend of mine is trying nutri-system because she just doesn't have the energy to give more. On the one hand that would be so easy but on the other you can't do it forever, how do you go from taking your brain out of the food equation to putting it back in after so long an absence? I think that would be so much harder than doing it one piece at a time, however easy the first part would be.

"Thank you for the little backpedal."

This morning I set my shirt on fire which pretty much sums up this week as one of those weeks that drowns you in ridiculous circumstances. I have a crazy cold and a big ass snowstorm that might never end and now I have burnt a hole in my very expensive patagaonia capilene shirt (which is much warmer without a big damn hole).

I'm hoping I can let all of that go after a shower and a walk and have a good start to the new year. I'm going to make some vanilla from a kit I got from my sister, which I'm very excited about. I go through a lot of vanilla and when that bad boy is ready it'll last 7 years with refills. I'm way excited about that, no more buying vanilla all the time. And then I'm going to make some lemon cupcakes with the gazillion lemons I bought for that turkey I cooked a few weeks ago.

I have big plans in the cooking arena too, except not so much today because of the giant snowstorm. Seems you have to go to the grocery store to be martha stewart so I'm going to start with cooking all the stuff in my freezer. I have some recipes I'm dying to try though like a pinto bean and rice burrito which looks really easy and freezes well and a black bean and corn stew that's pretty much awesome. In the meantime I'll make room in my freezer by feeding Matt as much meat as possible every minute of the day because my fridge is full of moo. It's ridiculous actually. There were all these great sales around christmas, single servings of good cuts that no one wanted because they had an army to feed over the holidays and it seems like I bought them ALL. I have no memory of it, just a tear stained stack of receipts and a fridge that's lowing to be milked. (too far, that was too far right?)

Any doodle, I can't believe I set my fucking shirt on fire. I guess I should be glad I didn't burn my arm but I'm really just pissed that it was an expensive shirt. 2010 is one sin down and six more to go!

"Probably just your garden-variety disaster."

Lately I have been taking pictures of everything I cook. I'm trying to make every meal yummy and pretty instead of wasting opportunities on crappy food.


This is what we made for brunch, a raspberry braid. Matt insisted on frosting but it's not in the original recipe...takes a beautiful picture though.


The next photo is one of my favorite meals, chickpeas and spinach over pasta. I think the curly q's take the best photos in addition to having a nice texture.


Christmas breakfast was mini cinnamon rolls. The mini was accidental but totally adorable so I might stick with it!


All that cooking wore Knox out. That dog really loves pillows, the blankets and toy were my additions for a perfect furry nap.

"Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?"

The family dinner went very well. I cooked my crazy huge expensive turkey and it came out great. I found glasses and plates in boxes downstairs (I was serious about the storage problem) and even Matt was happy to pull out all the nice things for one perfect dinner.

Here is the table with the super cute flower arrangements I made.













This is a close-up on the flowers because I LOVE how they came out.














I used herbes de provence on the turkey and though it doesn't look traditional everyone thought it looked pretty, and tasted amazing. It was stuffed with onions and lemons and smelled amazing.










I made two pies because I couldn't help myself. This is the bourbon chocolate pecan pie I made especially for Matt's dad, the sugarholic.






Here is the apple, I missed my chance to get it without a slice missing but it looks more loved this way...appreciated you might say.


























Everything went off perfectly. I was shocked, I am shocked actually. I expected something to go wrong trying to do so much at once but nothing did. Maybe since it wasn't a real holiday there wasn't as much pressure. Or amybe I am just a goddess of the kitchen. Matt's parents make great dinner guests so it's always nice when they come over. The dogs love them and were perfectly behaved. They actually slept through the whole dinner and were well rewarded afterward. And now I'm looking at the weight watchers website because I'm genuinely failing on my own and I need a jump start. I haven't completely committed to the idea mostly because of the money but damn if Rebecca isn't a shining example of dedication to that program. Anyone have any personal experience either way with WW?

"the favorite of all my current bruises"

This morning I did some shopping for our fakesgiving dinner. Matt is calling it Festivus because apparently that's the only episode of Seinfeld he ever saw and it left an impression. I haven't hosted a dinner like this, ever, so it turns out I needed everything. If it was a real holiday with large and haughty expectations I'd be screwed. It turns out in addition to needing a meat thermometer and baster I don't have enough matching plates. I only have four chairs so I never thought the plates would be a problem and then we decided to add a fifth guest. I haven't solved that problem yet. I really wanted to find a reasonably priced not ugly plate sold in separates but it just doesn't exist and even I can't rationalize storing a set of 8 dishes forever that I'm not completely in love with. One person has to eat off of a salad plate while standing at the counter which is probably what Martha Stewart would do in this situation...that or put her head in the oven. I jest, I jest...she's immortal or something anyway...have you seen her skin?

I've been thinking about it and I can sew up a few more napkins that won't match but will be festive and I'll mix up the plates as best I can. I'm also debating about wine glasses. I don't have any but I bought some baby bottles of white just in case and now I'm thinking I'll have to hit up Goodwill and see what's available for the cheap and unprepared hostess. I feel a bit ridiculous buying something that we'll never use but will have to store FOREVER but I might feel worse serving wine in my mason jar glasses. CLASSY! If anyone has a better idea please let me know, not having the right dishes and glasses is pushing me over the edge. Funny I'm not that worried about the chair.

"I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity"

So, I no longer think my hair makes me look like a person who drains the blood of goats. Now I just think it looks like I write poetry in my parents basement and use too much eyeliner. I should just crash all the mirrors in my house because nothing drives me crazy like worrying over my hair. I am hot like fire after a long walk with the dogs. There is just enough crust on the snow to tire us all out in half the miles we used to walk. It's almost time for snowshoes and extra thick mittens and long johns. The mornings are actually very peaceful and wonderful and I'm really trying to enjoy them.

I've been doing a lot of cooking lately, including a 15 bean soup which is awesome and I totally recommend, and this weekend we're cooking a turkey. I should never have bought a turkey for thanksgiving in the first place but I did and then we didn't cook it so unless I want to lose 30 pounds of freezer space for another year I have to cook the sucker. I guess I'm trading the whole turkey for turkey soup and turkey leftovers and five more pounds on my ass. It has to be done and lesson learned...don't buy a whole turkey unless you're COMPLETELY certain you're going to cook the bugger in a prompt and timely manner. Someone remind me next year!

"Your performance as a disgruntled minion was spot on"

Long time no blog, eh? I don't know what to say, which I guess is sort of the whole point. Today I did some good things and some dumb things and I'm pining for this friday to be over. I started out dyeing my hair. I've had the highlights for awhile and I'm too poor to have them professionally fixed so I did a full color and it's VERY dark. Perhaps I shouldn't have left the color on for fifteen minutes when the box said ten. Perhaps when I'm doing permanent damage to my appearance I should pay more attention to the time. And perhaps I'll get used to it, I hated the highlights when I first got them too. Just because I made my hair look like I spend my nights sucking the blood of the living doesn't mean I won't grow to like it eventually. And then the pie.

Actually, technically I started ruining the pie yesterday. I thought it would be fun to make something for myself that I love on my birthday so I mixed up a pumpkin pie. It looked perfect when I took it out of the oven and yet...today...not cooked. So, I figured since it was already fucked why not try to re-bake it? Why not indeed? Actually I did it twice because the first second baking just wasn't bakey enough. It finally got set after the third baking and into the fridge it went and I just tried a piece and I do believe I neglected to put sugar in it. It tastes very much like gnawing on a raw but custardy pumpkin. On the one hand I don't need a pie but on the other that was a whole lot of work to turn to nada like that. I suppose on the one hand it's a diet friendly pie now, sad.

That's all the dumb things. Why do I always want to talk about the dumb things first? On the good thing list I finished two quilts and a baby blanket for christmas. I have a few more things to sew up for my sister's girls and some pretty little bags I might make for my girly bath stuff gifts. I'm almost in the spirit now that my birthday is over. It was a very peaceful day and there was ice cream cake and I received the gift of a semi-used crock pot and a zone free dvd player so I can watch all 6 ridiculous seasons of Shameless. And I didn't have to cook dinner which is possibly the best present of all. I guess since I have the vampire hair I don't have to ever cook dinner again...I can just make with the pillaging. Upside.

"How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face."

I'm enjoying an unexpected day off. It's been a long week and I feel like a total ass for whine about working all week. I've had a horrible fever and I've been so tired. I made some soup for the week but I'm starving all the time, I can't remembr are you supposed to feed a fever? I spent my worst day in a really cold house and I'm wondering how hard your body has to work to keep warm because it felt like feeding coal into a fire for steam. I'm telling myself that snacking all day was important to my health, pivotal even.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me but a fever is never a good sign. I was worried about sharing my germs with the children I was watching but their dad who is a medical researcher told me about new studies that say the more infections you come across as a child the less likely you are to develop diabetes. It's fascinating really. My sister and I were trying to remember how sick we were as kids to see how we'd fare. It makes me wonder how the development and use of antibacterials ties in with the whole thing but mostly I'm looking at my ouchies and hot hot face with more enthusiasm.

"You ran me over with a goddamn Buick."

Thanksgiving is over, the big trip is done and it wasn't so bad and now the long road to christmas. I have three quilts started and soon I have to start baking and I have this turkey to cook for no occasion at all. I had wanted not to do any christmas things until after my birthday but the sewing takes time and I don't want to leave it last minute. I have some projects I haven't even decided on yet so I really have to get my head screwed on. I have some patterns for cute clothes but I can't make a decision and if I don't choose soon the children will be unwrapping bits of fabric and sewing needles.

It's been a hundred years since I did any blogging and even now I've spent hours staring at the screen. My creativity is stunted lately. It was nice to have a few days off but it was so hard to go back to work today. I hate how lazy I'm getting, it's genuinely sad. My head needs screwing on in all directions.

moody head shot

spoons

remembering summer

sitting pretty

"I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since."

This morning I got my new glasses and now I can stand to look at the computer long enough to blog. I thought it was just annoying that the dog ate my glasses but it turns out it's also painful. I missed an opportunity to pick up new glasses at the beginning of the week and I've been paying for it because every afternoon my brain falls out of my head. I had no choice but to get them today because we're taking a trip and I can't bear to go on vacation blind. It's nice to see again but it seems I have a ton to do to get ready for this trip. This afternoon I'm packing up everything I own to take the dogs to pennsylvania. Every toy, every bone...it's all coming just in case the doggies look bored. I'm leaving no room for destruction of personal property that isn't my own. With my fingers crossed.

"I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."

We got our first egg and almost lost our first chicken in the same day. The excitement about the egg is pretty much diminished by the fact that the dogs chased a chicken almost onto the highway and I was pretty sure she was dead. Turns out while I was frog marching the dogs back to the house the chicken got back to her old self and hid under some brush. She seems to be ok but it could have been bad for all of them if they wandered into the road.

It's been such a long week. It feels like a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing, I was seeing everything in a bad light so one insane thing after another kept happening. I'm working hard on turning my thoughts around but it's very one day at a time. I'm stressed about thanksgiving which is practically a requirement for a traditional holiday experience. I have some sewing to do which is cathartic and a to do list a mile long which gives me a certain amount of pleasure to cross things off of.

In the meantime Hilary gave me a lovely blog award and part of the deal is I have to pass it on to 15 other newly discovered lovely blogs. FIFTEEN! That's a lot of love. It seems like the less I work the less I spend looking for great new blogs. I'm an internet hermit, it's pretty sad actually. So, instead of passing on the award I'm passing the buck big time and asking for recommendations of awesome new blogs to check out. For which there will be linkage and blog love and personal growth which is important for all of us.

Anyway, thanks Hilary. When I have a big beautiful list of new blogs I'll spread the award love to all!

"'I see you looking at my cookies..."

This morning has seriously sucked. Last night Knox wouldn't give up barking at the cat. We all got really crazy and angry and there was shouting because we are bastards. Knox had to go to the potty and we just wanted to sleep and I feel really bad about it. And in the midst of all that barking and shouting Jolie was chewing on something hard plastic...only she doesn't have any hard plastic toys. And I thought "gee, where did I put my glasses after our last potty run" and lo and behold Jolie was chewing on my glasses. My new glasses as of June, I think, are now completely ruined. It's only hundreds of dollars, NO BIG DEAL.

And then something happened with the furnace and Matt was swearing. And then he was swearing about his toast not being in the fridge, and then I went back to sleep full of fury. We just went for a walk, our usual morning run, only Knox went off to bark at a dead porcupine and got three quills in his nose. That's when my brain exploded. I lost my shit and no wonder the dogs didn't want to come to the screaming crazy woman. So I chased the scared, injured dogs all over the woods because I am a calm, assertive pack leader. And an asshole.

So, I'm full of guilt and anger and I'm tired and we're going to the park! To take a walk! Because it's SO beautiful out. If they were children I'd be buying them ponies.

"I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt."

I downloaded a ton of coupons from stonyfield farm and subsequently I bought a whole lot of yogurt. So yogurt is my main snack right now. Yogurt all the time! In the future I won't download every coupon I could possibly use so I don't end up buying an entire cart full of yogurt at once. Not that it's bad to eat yogurt all the time, I feel very morally superior with my fat free yogurt snacks.

When I was visiting my sister I picked up a really great tip about portioning, not that she meant to. Most of her dishes are plastic and disney themed so she served us cereal in her teacups. She apologized for it but I think it was brilliant. Cereal is one of the things that I definitely have visual problems with so using a tea cup for cereal is pretty much the best idea ever. She says they use them for ice cream too on occasion and that's a great idea too. The need to fill a bowl is so strong and it's so much easier to fill a tea cup. It might be the easiest most obvious thing ever but I think it's the kind of simple genius that makes healthy habits easy to follow. And also now I feel like I'm allowed to buy all the beautiful tea cups I want!

No smart ass title today, just a really beautiful blueberry field turning with the leaves!

"it's the guilt that puts the weight on"

Back from Halloween in New Hampshire with the kids. The dogs were so tired after all the cuddling and playing they could hardly walk when we got home. Dogs and kids had such a good time, we all did and it didn't occur to me until it was actually halloween day that I didn't buy any halloween candy save the bag of candy corn I dropped in the dish water. I think that might be a first for me, all the years past I have bought candy for kids that will never come and usually it's gone before the 31st anyway. I didn't even think about it this year. I've been fighting that "I have to have some!!!" feeling that comes up around foods like that. I keep telling myself I can get what I want whenever, I don't have to have anything now let alone a whole bag of it and that always works. If I have to have a snickers some day I'm just going to buy one, it's the "I shouldn't" and the "I'm not allowed to" that always get me in trouble...reminding myself it's not now or never is a great tool for me.

In that department I'm back to running tomorrow. I think my legs enjoyed the break but it'll be good to stretch them again. It's not that I can't run at my sisters house but it's more trouble with leashes and cars and I never get a good night's sleep there. I don't know how she functions with all the chaos. Actually, we discussed napping because naps are a priority for her and I've never been a good napper. We don't speak the same language when it comes to napping but then I get 8-9 hours of solid sleep a night and she doesn't so obviously she needs a nap all the time, and a tranquilizer. I really appreciate my bed and my house and my life after stepping into someone else's for awhile. Through all the sleeplessness I learned that jojo is a very good guard dog. She woofed relentlessly at my sister's husband who came in late afterwork and didn't meet the dogs properly. I tried to tell her he wasn't a burglar but she would have none of it, not yet twenty pounds of piss and vinegar.

Back to reality tomorrow and maybe I'll even weigh myself just for kicks. In the meantime, a very cute song my sister got stuck in my head...

"I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times."

The woofs and I just finished our second awesome long jog for this week. It's amazing how much faster the walk goes when you run it. We ran twice as far as we usually walk in almost the same time. I shouldn't be amazed but I am. I thought running that route would be a bigger ordeal but it seems our long walks have put me in good shape because I don't feel any of the pain or frustration with myself I felt when I used to run on the road. And we haven't been eaten by a bear yet so it's all good.

Somehow I'm just not afraid of the critters anymore. I'm done with that because I have no intention of sitting in my house because there might be bears in the woods in Maine. And with the racket we make no way will anything cross our path on accident. I am a bit worried about the hunters though because I think probably the bears are smarter. Hunting season starts in exactly two days and I really hope it doesn't mean we have to stop running just when I'm starting to really like it again.

I'm kind of amazed at how easy it is to start this time. I've been underestimating the power of our long walks because I'm not any thinner. How terribly vain. Anyway, my legs and my lungs must be getting stronger because I didn't get any of that feeling like I couldn't take another breath or step. Except for dodging the loose rocks, the ground is much softer and easier on my knees than the paved road.

My goal is to rebuild a sense of routine into my life because that's when I function best and not just in a weight loss way. Doing something everyday makes the difference between choice and habit and I'm not allowed any more choices because I suck at making good ones consistently.

"Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different."

There are these bins at the front of my grocery store which are always full of things that no one would want to buy ever. It's always obscure jello flavor overstock or last season's paper goods. Who wants to buy fourth of july themed paper products in October and especially who needs a pallet of them, seriously. But anyway, the point is that I bought something from the bins of destitute marketing failures and it was this:




Who wouldn't be interested? I wonder what they were thinking, was it like "hey, we like gingerale...we like green tea...why not?". Actually it was pretty decent, I don't know that I'd go out of my way to buy it again or that I'd buy enough to survive the apocalypse but I'm not horrified. There are so many products that come out and you really wonder why they had to go there. Do there really need 15 different ways of selling a peanut butter cup, does it really increase Reese's market share to come out with a new peanut butter cup derivation every 3 months? What is the word for creating your own competition, is there a business term for that? At what point are the new products coming out going to be so ridiculously unnecessary that evolution just ends? I thought it was those disposable toilet brushes but the sun keeps rising so I guess there's something more ridiculous yet to come.

"Cupcake, your middle name is trouble."

Today I met a cake that was too much for me. It was my clients birthday and we had a lovely lunch at the new Irish pub in town with a guinness chocolate cake for dessert. The cake was very good, but it was also four layers which was three layers too many. It's so weird because I have been looking forward to an excuse to eat cake guilt free. Until today at least. This morning I wanted to wear some new pants for the special occasion but uh oh, they didn't fit so hot. Which is why I came home to do pilates for ONE HUNDRED HOURS. I hate it when clothes don't fit that used to fit, it breaks the illusion that nothing is wrong. I like being delusional and eating cake and pretending nothing is wrong. Bummer.

"in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since."

I am urgently shopping for a winter coat this week because apparently SNOW in OCTOBER is no longer a nightmare but a painful frozen reality. My current coat is in a bad way, ten years and two dogs later it needs to be replaced. I also need some waterproof pants for snowshoeing so it's going to be an expensive but warm and toasty month. I hate just about every coat I've seen and the only coat I'm warming too, hehehe, is really expensive. Ridiculously expensive actually but if I amortize over the next 10 years it's pretty affordable. I'll have to talk to Matt about it, he's my sounding board for expensive purchases and usually he tells me to go for it if it's reasonable instead of me torturing myself over the decision to spend.

I'm really concerned about a. buying something I actually like instead of the cheapest workable thing and b. I'm concerned about fit. Those two may be more related than I realized but ten years when I bought my coat it didn't fit very well. I did that thing where you buy the extra large because that's how your brain sees your body. I'm determined not to buy a bad coat this time. I'm trying to take my time but the weather is seriously against me. This has officially been the shortest summer ever.

"I'm telling you, it's fucking hard to be classy"

I'm feeling very domestic this week. I've been baking up a storm and my kitchen smells so good. Yesterday and today I made baked beans...yes it took that long because they WOULD NOT cook and now we're eating them and they're very yummy. Last night I made an apple crisp in an effort to use up the last apples and it's amazing. There are sometimes when I feel like everything I cook comes out great and this is one of those times...maybe I should try a meringue or something else impossible...like scratch white cake. I know this is probably not the website to go begging for cake recipes but seriously y'all, if you're an undercover baker and you have a vanilla/gold/white cake recipe that knocks off the socks please let me know. I'm tired of box white cakes...it makes my soul sad.

So, obviously, I'm not killing myself to stick to some special diet. I'm eating more or less the same things just maybe not in the best portions so I'm bringing back the measuring cups. I'm better at eyeballing than I thought but less good at stopping where I should stop. A dash more of salad dressing, an inch more of cheese and a few more nuts move a salad from light to heavy real fast and that's the sort of thing I haven't been diligent about. I haven't been using the least amount of oil when I cook and the lowest fat versions of everything possible. I'm working on them one at a time, they all become habit eventually.

It really hit me when I started putting away the summer clothes, how little I wore because it didn't fit right. I made a decision a long time ago that I wasn't going to keep clothes that didn't fit for any serious length of time. I don't want to be the person who lives for the future like that, a nebulous future filled with ill fitting out of date clothes. Anyway, so I have to make some decisions to either fit back in to those clothes or sell them and buy new ones and just get on with things. I guess, judging from the above, that I'm heading toward a goal of the solid twelve. I still wear a twelve actually but clearly I'm not twelve enough to wear some of the things I wore last summer. I need to be a smidge twelver. So, no more apple crisp.

"I'd bitch slap the devil for you."

I have a pimple on the exact center of my nose. It's the kind of thing that usually only happens in Cathy cartoons and Bridget Jones novels but No, IT'S REAL! It's actually very uncomfortable above and beyond being unattractive. It's also really, really cold here. It actually snowed down the road aways. It is much too cold and snowy to be October. The last in a long list of things that aren't Ok.

The ok list is getting pretty long though. My house has been clean for days on end, which I know is the lamest thing to blog about ever but has such a huge bearing on how I feel about myself every day. I have gotten two sessions of pilates in this week which is more than last month probably so that's really making me feel good. The doggies had a wonderful day in town and were so well behaved you'd think I drugged them. This makes me especially proud because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be working on my myriad anxiety issues.

I have had unnamed anxiety issues since ever. My mother was a psychologist and it's been bothering me lately that she never noticed or cared enough to address it. It's a very conflicting feeling. On the one hand I know they had bigger problems with my brother. On the other I had problems with my brother too, never knowing if he would be searching my room for things to sell or having his creepy "friends" over when I got home from school, or talking about committing suicide. So many things were never addressed, just survived and now I can't take two free breaths if there's a dish in my sink. Anyway, it's my problem now and I have to fix it before the dogs run under a truck and I have an aneurism.

I never learned how to relax, not really relax. Looking at it from an adult perspective, my parents never relaxed either so of course I never learned the importance of letting things go. I practice every morning now, before we go on our walks and during our walks and after our walks. I make that whole time a no anxious thoughts time. I don't think about the things I have to do when the walk is over, what I'm having for breakfast or what I'll cook for dinner. I work at just enjoying our time in the woods for what it is and the dogs (or I should say Knox) is responding. He shows less anxiety every day and Jolie follows us with awe. We're on our way to being a happy tails success story. I should have got dogs years ago.

"Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry."

This puppy likes toys. Knox likes toys too, but he'd much rather chase Jolie around the yard and before her he enjoyed tackling Matt. Neither of them like Big Mean Kitty as much as I do. There were three angry kitties to choose from, the other two were Awful Mad Kitty and Dirty Rotten Kitty. They're all hilarious and if I'm not very diligent with my budget I will end up buying all of them. I have a real weakness for dog toys but it is certainly better than having doggies eating the furniture and shoes and EVERYTHING ELSE. Little one likes shoes a lot so I try to keep really awesome toys everywhere. She tries to drag Matt's boots to her lair but they're a little too heavy. She's big into stealing. She takes pot holders and kitchen towels and all of the bones, her bed is now two feet taller than it used to be.

"It hurts my shoulder when I break down the door."

I want to be sleeping but what do you know I'm blogging. Matt had fisticuffs with the toaster and I couldn't sleep through the sighing and reverberating animosity. And now I have to buy a new toaster. Who would think a toaster would be so important but the one we have is killing us slowly. Hello Kitty toaster never did us wrong, until she died after years of continuous use. Matt really misses her, he didn't mind at all that his breakfast had a girly cartoon cat on it, so now I have to go to target and see if I can get a new one.

I had the whole weekend off which was a nice change. I made some pies and we walked the dogs and it was freezing. 50 doesn't seem so cold in the spring but in the fall it's awful. At least it was yesterday. I really have to find my winter clothes. I put away a ton of summer things, some of which I never wore because they didn't fit well which is tremendously depressing.

I'm feeling like I didn't hit any of my fitness goals but that isn't really true. I have been getting at least an hour of hiking in every day and my legs are amazing. I haven't had the diligence with pilates that I need to feel really human. For some reason I can't get it into my schedule. I haven't been making room where I should and it's another tremendously depressing thing I have to report. You get to this point in the year where you really see the end of another big chunk of life and you start to think about what you accomplished you can feel good about and when there isn't very much you get to feeling like you should run a triathalon in december to catch up. Which is ridiculous when a few days of pilates actually getting done would make me feel like wonder woman. Sometimes my goals are so pathetically small it's painful to say them out loud. 'Specially when I'm such a slacker I can't say I completed them. Yikes, I drive myself nuts.

interwebs assistance needed

How does this happen? The second entry is my entry about Jolie and the first one...is a store inexplicably linked to my entry about Jolie. Say what?

"I bet nuns would be good basketball players"

Enjoying each other's company on the sofa after a long visit at the Vet. They were both troopers, playing the whole time and sitting for treats. Knox barked at the nurse when a shot made Jolie cry, a real big brother. She's already getting grown up teeth so she's older than we thought and will be smaller when she's grown up. I don't think it will matter because she's already spending most of her time with her teeth locked on Knox's fur. She's well up to the challenge even if she is only 30 pounds.

"you like eating, baking is just a preamble"

introducing Jolie, warrior princess. She walks under Knox and steals the toys right out of his mouth, she uses all ten of her pounds to charge her 60 pound brother and wags her tail so hard it sounds like someone knocking on the door. She's very lovable and curls up in our laps and gives us all kisses. She relaxes Knox when I leave and she makes him want to get in the car (praise the lord for that), and so far we like her a lot.

500 to 800 pets are killed every week at the pound where she was taken to be put down in Iberia, LA. I hate that someone thought this sweet bundle of woof was disposable, an inconvenience to get rid of. I can't even think about it without grinding my teeth...I'm minutes from lockjaw.

"I've got my head, I've lost my leopard!"

I'm sitting in my living room pretending it's ok to spend a day off dirty and emailing and calling it productive. The rain cancelled our official hike and my client never wants to do anything else but that doesn't mean I have to sit on my couch and google the directions to Glacier National Park like it's an effective use of my time. The other day I made a list of things I really want to do (also, not a very good use of my time) and one of those things is see some damn national parks. No, not because of Ken Burns because I don't have tv to watch that series but I did hear that he pointed out how non-local people call Acadia "Arcadia" which they totally do so rock on Ken Burns. I just want to see some cool nature, that's all, but googling directions at this stage is a little silly. I think I could have looked at a map and seen that it would take a damn long time to get there without actually knowing it's one day and 22 hours without stopping for snacks.

Most of the time my want list is really small, like have a clean house. But that's sort of a crappy dream, there has to be something bigger I want to do with my life than scrub floors so I'm trying to branch out. That being said, the house is pretty gross right now. Puppy has been finding bones in the woods (dear god let them not be human) and bringing them home and it's one thing when he has the comparatively sterile looking marrow bones from the butcher but random forest critter bones do not belong in my house, or on my couch and definitely not in the bed. Right now there is sort of a rotting smell in the kitchen and it is beyond disgusting and I'm sure it's one of those bones and I just can't find it. I keep burning incense and looking and looking and I can't find it and if it goes on for a full 7 days it might turn into a voodoo ritual. If I don't find it today I'm getting some holy water. Or moving.

I'm going to conduct another search and take a shower and inevitably get my incense burning. Maybe the spirit guides want me to go to Montana RIGHT NOW. It only takes one day and 22 hours if I bring snacks with me. And a catheter.

"Shhhh... you had me at balls."

We've run into some difficulties with our hour long walks, mostly that they always seem to end in 45 minutes...so we're playing catch for 15. You think Cesar would approve? In other news my legs are amazing from all this walking. Muscles hard as rocks! Roar! Dogs are gifts that keep on giving. We are picking up baby woof on saturday and is it weird that they demand cash and we're meeting in a parking lot? I'm sure it's fine, the lady passes google, but if I end up on an episode of cold case files and all they have are fat pictures it's going to suck. But anyway, yeah, puppy. According to the woof whisperer you're not supposed to show any affection when you meet, you have to let her come to you and sniff you and see your calm assertive leadership energy. I might need a medically induced coma for that. Who can not react to a puppy? serial killers that's who. This is going to be a very intense cold case files.

He asked for a pony, he's getting a sister...

New puppy is coming in two weeks, on Knox's birthday. We still don't have a name but I have a list on the whiteboard. Matt wants to wait to meet her before we choose. I hope she comes with her resume. So I have until Oct. 3 to get our routine down pat. Today was day one of my new you, new dog(TM) program. We're starting with an hour of exercise in the morning because a tired doggie is an obedient doggie. We used to do a half hour twice a day but it's not enough so we're trying something new. It's tricky coming up with new longer routes that don't lead us into bear traps or other forms of sudden death, but we're trying. We usually go one of two ways at the top of our hill so today we went both ways which didn't exactly get us an hour. If we'd gone all the way to the bottom again and started over it would have been fine but also a little crazy so tomorrow I guess we just go farther on each end. If we do that every morning and afternoon he'll be good and pooped and so will I. Thus the exercise benefit of owning a dog. Once we add the new dog I'm hoping they'll both be comatose for the rough getting to know you stages. Pack naps are going to be the best part of being a two dog family.

The worst part of having a two dog family will be explaining to my dad why we got another dog before the first one was dead. He would never let us get two kittens at once, even though odds were in our favor that they'd play with each other and leave him alone. Instead he spends all day telling the cat to go away. He will not understand and he really won't want them in his house. This I get, I don't expect anyone to welcome dogs to their house whether or not they have their own but it makes holidays difficult. We'll probably be staying more with my sister which should be fine when all the puppies are socialized and relaxed. I'm also looking into a dog exercise pen. I really hated the idea at first and it is sort of pointless at our house but for traveling and visiting I think it'll be helpful. They'll be able to be outside and not leashed but safe and the kids will be safe too. For one dog it seemed a sort of expensive solution but for two it's more reasonable and I think they'll take to it better with a buddy. They can chew on each other and play with their toys. If they're tired out before hand it'll be a good way to spend a few hours in the afternoon while the kids play outside.

And now I have to cook and process 100 pumpkins. Not really, but I bought a few. Apparently the crappy summer has resulted in a pumpkin shortage and if I don't have a pumpkin pie this fall the earth will explode or something so I'm taking necessary measures. We have a ton of apples too. I have a lot of work today which I'm feeing more resolved to do than usual. Maybe the longer walk will make us both more obedient.

"you better look at my boobs when I'm talkin' about 'em"

My puppy is not tired. The old puppy, not the new puppy...I don't yet have any knowledge about her sleepiness but I can tell you with authority that the old puppy is NOT tired. Not quite like a toddler who is really tired and says their not tired even though they are...this puppy is genuinely awake. We went for a walk. And then a ride. And then another walk. AND then a hike. Usually a five mile hike tires him out but he's still perky and that would be why we're getting another puppy.

I've been trying to prepare myself for the new dog, in the way of buying her special small dog toys and reading every book by the dog whisperer. Matt and I decided long ago that we don't need the dog to heel all the time or learn to sit on a special mat so he doesn't touch the humans (a suggestion made by matt's brother) we just want him to respect our rules and live safely. He's not a bad dog and unless you look really hard you don't see how he pays no attention whatever if there's a road with interesting cars, or a person, or a dog. It's actually pretty easy to get his attention when he's sniffing out genuinely scary animals because he seems to have an interest in either being protected or protecting us but when it comes to a poodle on the other side of the road he's lost to this world. That is not ok so I have to get my shit together.

We got the dog when I was unemployed because I was unemployed and had plenty of time to work and be with him. Turns out I was incredible nervous and on edge that whole time what with the no money and it turns out the dog thinks I'm an unstable leader. Shocking! Apparently calling him a cuddle umpkins doesn't mask the fact that you're worried all the time about everything. So here I am practicing being a more relaxed in the moment Amy so my dog doesn't get hit by a car. From now on we're trying to only do things with him when he's calm submissive and that's when you start to realize you've been enabling behaviors since forever. We stood outside the petstore for almost ten minutes waiting for him to relax. It didn't actually work but we're going to keep at it. He still pulled me all over and you know, he doesn't have any money so it's important that I'm in a good mood or he doesn't get anything fun.

It's really, really hard. He's not a human, he's a dog. He only cares about taking walks, sniffing poop and making woofy friends. He's not worried about what I have to do when I get back to the house he just enjoys the hike...that's kind of a wonderful way to be.

Not Larry!

My sister is waging a campaign to call the new puppy "larry" and it HAS to stop. So, I need a kickass name NOW. It may or may not be too late. This one time she started telling people I left egg nog under my bed until it became cheese and she said it so often that she convinced herself it was true, like I wouldn't have just drank the egg nog...it's preposterous. Which is sort of her modus operandi. If it's not amusing to her and her alone, it just isn't worth doing. Anyway, wow I need a name for this pup who isn't even here yet before she gets branded like the cable guy.

In the meantime, pictures of all the painting projects I've been working on. I should have taken a picture of my massive painting induced biceps but ooops, I forgot. Anyway, they start in the bathroom with the teal and the living room is called torchlight...a very golden yellow but you can't really tell from the light in the room when I took these pictures. I need a color for the hallway in between which sounds like an impossible mission. I'm going to go stand in the paint department and wait until inspiration hits me unless you guys have any better ideas. I didn't want grey but that might be the only choice...le sigh.

naturalist fail

When I used to run on the road sometimes I would see a car pull to the side and I'd pick up a rock just incase I had to hit a troublesome motorist over and over. Now apparently I have to carry rocks everywhere I go, or a gun, or get a donkey. Last night coyotes surrounded our house, just out of sight, and yipped at knox. Actually only one of them yipped, they prey on their shared canine instincts to investigate sounds and they were trying to lure him in. Fuckers.

Knox was freaking out and it took us a few minutes to hear the noise outside and realize why he was so upset. That happens a lot, he'll hear something and run to the door barking or bark at the woods when we're outside. At first we had assumed it could be anything but now we know he doesn't bark at squirrels and birds, he barks at bear smell and coyotes. Matt pointed out that they can hear just as well as he can and they know that we know that they know he's here. It was genuinely terrifying. I thought smelling bear track would be the worst thing to worry about but bears are afraid of people and coyotes aren't.

Apparently it's a big deal in LA and a lot of people are losing pets to coyotes, Ozzy and Jessica Simpson and I just watched a video of a terrier chasing off a coyote in a suburban backyard. Terriers kick some ass apparently. I suppose dealing with coyotes around so many people would be worse, here it's sort of expected. Animals will exist and we'll have to deal with them, I just don't like feeling singled out and hunted like that. I really, really didn't like it.

Sometimes when we're walking up back he'll get nervous and bark and I'll get nervous and start jogging, you feel like someone is watching you. After enough coyote/dog research I've learned that yes, they are watching us. They know our smell, our walking patterns and what times we're likely to be out. I'm worried about the dog and the chickens and the new puppy that isn't even here yet. I want to get a pit bull, and a llama and a donkey. Apparently coyotes hate donkeys and llamas, I don't know about pit bulls I just think I'd feel safer with a dog that didn't run away from bunny rabbits. Coyotes aren't supposed to prey on dogs as big as Knox, I'm afraid they can tell from his marking that he's a softie fur and that's why they're coming to the freaking house. In the meantime Matt has his gun and I'm gonna get an airhorn...and a donkey. The alternative is building a six foot plus undigable fence around 250 acres...I'm pretty sure a donkey is cheaper...or shooting all of them which seems harsher than the donkey and a bit futile since new ones will keep coming back. For now the poor dog will be on a leash ALL THE TIME. I have him on a leash now, tied to the couch while I type just incase coyotes know how to pick locks.

fiesta where?

The blue in the bathroom makes me feel like I'm in a fish bowl. It reminds me of fiestaware, very festive. I didn't think I'd like it but I really do. It totally makes me happy. Now I'm not sure what color to do the hallway. I have goldy yellow on one side and fishbowl blue on the other...it'll have to be a neutral as much as I'm loving the rainbow of flavors lately. Such tough decisions.

I sent Matt to work with his entire batch of cookies this week. He just told me all he wants to do is eat cookies and yup...that's pretty much why I sent them to work with you buddy. He told me he stood on the scale today fully dressed and weighed 140 pounds, with a cookie in his hand. He's the only person I know who tries to wear more clothes when being weighed. He needs those cookies, I don't.

Work has been obviously weird lately and I've been home a lot. Today I actually cooked myself lunch, with knives and vegetables and the whole shebang. It was kind of awesome. I've been so hungry with the painting all day. Apparently painting burns 500 something calories an hour. I'm not a supermodel yet but I am unbelievably tired...and very happy to be done with the bathroom. I had like fifteen cheese sticks today, painting fuel for sure.

abomination

wuthering heights by pat benatar and non abomination.

"Butterfly in shining armor"

I do not want to look back on my life and think my only accomplishment was making old people cry, but seriously, today sucked. My client is ridiculously frustrated with her life and most of the time I can muster at least some pity for how badly she feels about her situation but the times that slip in between most of the time and all of the time I am consumed by how little she thinks of her blessings. I am not usually a person who talks about blessings, I don't really think of myself as a spiritual person so maybe the word I should be using is gifts. She has had a gifted life. She overcame hardships, she lived through some difficult things but isn't that the point of living? She sees absolutely no point in living as long as she can't do everything she wants to do all the time. One thing she says frequently which really makes my blood boil, although not today, is about all the wounded soldiers coming home from the war...wouldn't it be better if they were killed. Well, uhm, no. Some people are grateful to have more time with their families, with their children...you know maybe.

A long time ago my client was on this Wuthering Heights kick so one day I played the Kate Bush song on the way to the grocery store. I played 15 whole seconds before she started singing in a mocking voice. She did a very similar thing today except she was mocking me directly and not just something I thought she might find even the slightest bit interesting to her. I don't usually take the time to explain to her that the things she does are inappropriate. It's largely pointless and I'm not her mother anyway, all I can hope for most of the time is that people know what she's like and aren't actively blaming me. I'm used to her baiting me into fruitless arguments but she pushed me beyond that today and I called her on it. And then I had to leave.

I'm supposed to go back tomorrow and it's another one of those days when I don't know if she'll open the door for me or try to throw a glass at me or if it will be perfectly fine because she was so drunk she won't remember. Wish me luck!

"this never would have happened at Stanford"

I bought a rug yesterday. A pretty oriental type rug which reminds me of my mother. Every time I look at it I feel like I'm a kid sitting on our ugly ass ethan allen couch (it lasted for twenty years!) watching tv or playing nintendo. And then I painted the bathroom and it was supposed to be teal but it's really blue and it also reminds me of my mother. All of the rooms in our house were blue, are blue because my dad hasn't repainted. She could always tell the difference between the most identical shades of blue. She would have loved this blue, but I hate it. It's really sky blue and it's kind of freaking me out. Like it gets brighter as time passes...it's sucking the life out of us to make itself stronger. It's evil kryptonite style paint, DAMN YOU HOME DEPOT!

I have to go back tomorrow and get something more tealy. I'm really getting into this whole decorating thing. We haven't had a rug, ever. Or color on the walls. And I got these great baskets made out of recycled paper. They're amazing, I never thought I would be such a girl to get so excited about baskets. We really needed one for the vast amount of dog toys orphaned in the living room, the other one is just for vanity because I couldn't stand to leave it behind. I haven't decided what to use it for yet but it's going to be awesome because I decided that it would be in the TJ Maxx checkout line.

I actually do have a plan. I'm trying to mix new and old in a way that doesn't make me look bi-polar. So far it's going pretty well. Maybe not television re-decorating show well but I'm pleased and I can afford it so I'm double pleased. Paint is cheap, the baskets were cheap, the rug was fifty bucks and initially I left it at the store until I learned everything cheaper looked cheap and sometimes cost the same. Everything else was in storage, antiques and heirlooms, or just wasn't being used to advantage. When I actually finish putting everything in order I'll put up some pictures. The difference is kind of shocking, I can't believe I waited so long to do something with the house. Where's my hair shirt?

"they call me Mr. Pig!"

The second worst thing you can do when internetting, next to googling an otherwise harmless medical symptom, is to go to petfinder.com. I didn't even make that a link because then you would all adopt 700 cats and get a poor reputation with the neighborhood kids and be MAD at me. I look at petfinder alot. One might say, too much. Usually I do a quick collie search and when there aren't any compatible ones I go back to my knitting, or whatever. Lately I've had a bee in my bonnet about getting Knox a buddy. He does just fine on his own, I really have no complaints...I just think he'd like a friend. Someone to chew on and pounce on who isn't Matt. Someone who speaks his language. So pretty much a dog.

I've often regretted not adopting two when we took Knox home. Probably that would have been a disaster and Matt and I would have had to start sleeping in the garage but also SO MUCH FUN! Anyway, as I mentioned in the last post we found a puppy that is too cute for words. She looks like an ewok, or a gremlin, or a house elf (as Matt keeps telling me). The application was very long and I had pretty much assumed that we would never pass. The want for puppies over older dogs is so huge that I thought we'd be in a long, long line. It turns out there wasn't a line and our vet told them to give us whatever we wanted so...Puppy!



She is a brittany spaniel/sheltie mix from Louisiana. The "owner" took them to a kill shelter to have them gassed. His unspayed dog wasn't supposed to get pregnant, how dare she!, so he wanted them gone. There were only two, god knows what happened to their siblings. She'll be arriving sometime in October after a very long ride on the underground furry railroad. It all seems to have happened very quickly and now we wait. I'm excited and apprehensive. Two dogs won't be any more work than one, more money yes...but not more work. They need the same exercise and the same cuddles and the same attention from people (we looked at some olde english sheepdogs...adorable but not meant to socialize!) I'm sure they'll be best friends.

And now she needs a name. We discussed Knox's name in the car on the way home, with him in the backseat...puking. Knox is the name of the town he came from and a revolutionary general matt is fond of. In other words creative was not the adjective most appropriate to choosing his name. My first idea was Piper, but a friend of a friend's dog is Piper and Matt dislikes the association. The next is Winky, obvious for Harry Potter fans but I don't really feel it in my soul. River and Pixi are also on my list as compared to Knox she's going to be a baby. Please feel free to leave any suggestions in the comments.

"Technical term is narcissism."

I'm painting my living room. I'm pretty sure it's the most beautiful living room in the whole world. I didn't paint for the longest time because the white was fine and I'm lazy and I just didn't think it would make a difference. Oh, but it does make a difference. So I'm painting the bathroom too. And then I might re-paint the bedroom because I hate the pistachio ice cream color it's rocking right now. So, back to the living room and how awesome I feel looking at the walls. I should have realized the power of color but I just didn't because those years of art classes went in one ear and right out the other...apparently. Painting makes me feel like a grown-up. Or rather the feeling of decorating makes me feel like a grown up.

We're also looking at getting another puppy, which may or may not be grown up.



How cute is she? I know, right? She's supposed to be a lot smaller than Knox which would be helpful but also furry to keep warm and perky enough to keep up with the big dogs. We may or may not be approved for adoption, which adds a little suspense to the process. I might still use her picture on our christmas cards. A little elf had and she'll look just like dobby!

"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

Matt made me buy bread. Yummy, yummy portuguese bread. It's his favorite and it comes in these huge loaves and it's so good. I hate it. I've eaten three slices today and not because I was so hungry I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't help myself for a ton of other reasons, crappy fat girl reasons. He hates it from the freezer so I'm going to have to force feed him the rest of the loaf tonight. In his sleep. There's no other way to deal with the problem.

Actually I might have to because I want to paint the living room and his brain might break under the strain of another project. It might be more humane that way. I've been almost painting the living room and the bathroom for a while and I chicken out every time but lately I've been feeling like getting things done. Ambitious and all. I have the next three days off and I figure you can paint a lot in three days. Or the tiny living room of a one bedroom apartment. I don't know if I can help myself this time, I'm going to buy some paint supplies tomorrow unless he cries when I tell him.

And as a closer, what does one buy as a gift for a wedding where you have to bring your own food...and chairs? A toaster, an ashtray? You guys have any ideas. The gift is for a couple who has uncovered plywood floors in their trailer so crystal is probably not the way to go. Imagination required!

"You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!"

Matt said it looked like we murdered someone and he was totally right, so I didn't take any pictures of tomato canning. We canned 20 pounds of tomatoes last night and it was very, very red. I spent all day washing and scrubbing tomato guts because we just couldn't face it last night. The cutting board is permanently pink and the stove has never been this clean so it's not all bad news. I don't remember canning tomatoes being that messy but maybe that's because my mom's kitchen is so much bigger. I ran out of bowls and counter space long before we started filling jars. I wanted to can some of the mint syrup I've been making too but the jars are all so ugly. Is that terribly vain? I was going to use them as christmas presents but it's the sort of thing that needs a lovely bottle and not a sad half full mason jar. I might have to keep looking for bottles because I have six more bundles of mint to use and no better way to preserve it. That stuff grows like a weed, a beautiful smelly weed.

My sister (Hi Em!) requested my blog address this morning and now I feel pressure to be interesting. She already knows exactly how dull my life is so there's no reason to stress, I'm sure the expectations for excitement are low. I always wonder how people cope with blogging when they know their loved ones are reading. Rebecca's mom reads her regularly and they have such adorable chats. My sister is a teacher so mostly I expect a treatise on my grammar. We'll have to set you up an account so you can comment on my spelling in real time!

A long while back I stopped running, one to keep the dog off the road and two to keep my knees from killing me slowly. I never thought I'd miss running, I only took it up because it was the fastest way to burn the most calories, but it turns out I really do miss it. I had a very short jog, considering where I left off, but it gave me such a great start to the day. We walk every morning but it's just not the same. This morning was cool and perfect and I ran about 25 minutes of our 30 minute "walk", it feels so good to come home hot and sweaty and accomplished. When I don't run I forget how good it feels and when I don't do pilates I remember how BAD it feels. I have to keep it all up to feel great, I just wish I could remember.