"When a tan loves a woman"

I'm baking cookies for the boyfriend and I as I selected my ingredients I thought to myself "why not try the Ghirardelli recipe?". Don't ever do this. The cookies are amazing but the dough is even better and you'll find yourself drowning in creamed butter and that's a bad thing. I'm coming off a bad food week plus some and I really think my plight would be lessened if these cookies didn't exist.

Last week was sort of rotten. Rotten in the way that there was a lot of leftover pizza and eating out and then more leftovers. This weekend was no different and even though I sort of feel like crap it's hard going back on salads and also we have to go out tomorrow night AGAIN! Can't begrudge a birthday but all of these "issues" and having to eat out and whatever stem from doing things for others and I guess I'm feeling a little thin. Ironic. I did go to trader joes while I was home and bought lots of exciting fruits and cheeses and I did have a very fabulous salad for lunch today, it's just work. Which is completely stupid. I hate myself for thinking that eating a healthy salad is work and microwave mac and cheese is so much easier except that eating it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. Anyway I ate my salad and I didn't pack any chocolate for work and this is a one day at a time deal and I'm ordering a damn salad tomorrow come hell or pasta alfredo.

In other news, I'm very disappointed in Sweden. I truly believed that I would go to IKEA and find the world's best desk and then I would dance with joy (and burn some calories). It didn't happen that way. I got some adorable roasting pans and plant pots and pretty much spent 60 dollars on things I really didn't need just to fill the desk shaped void in my heart. It was that sad. I'm still not over it. Clearly. The lack of perfect desks has forced me to draw something for the boyfriend to build. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I'm in an I want it now phase of my home decorating and what with the job and all it's hard for him to bow to all my demands in a timely manner no matter how many beatings. What can you do?

It's supposed to be "a vague disclaimer"

And also I think I used it before as a title so that's two no-nos and all in one post. Whoops! Apparently Best Buy keeps an eye out for mentions on blogs because someone stopped by after yesterday's post. Dear Best Buy scoper outer, the computer might be fine now but can I tell you about my DVD player because that's still very broken and still very much only a year old and funny enough I bought it at Best Buy.

I keep accidentally telling people that I got my wedding dress. It's almost as good as the day I told those french speaking tourists that the breakfast place was up the block and a la guerre. Only an american will tell you to go to war to get breakfast. What I should have said is that the bridesmaid dress that Holly got for me arrived and it almost fits! All I need is a ton of exercise, 6 months of starvation and a bra made of titanium. I'm not that negative about it, it actually looks pretty good. I'm a little to short and a little too busty but I expected that. Heels and a good bra should do the trick, probably heavy metal won't be required. I do have 6 months to find a tailor and shoes and get that starvation thing underway.

I've been trying not to think about the wedding in terms of "oh my god, I have to be skinny by then" because since when is that helpful. That sort of pressure doesn't motivate me. I'm more motivated by milestones in exercise and feeling good eating right. Not to say that I've had any of that this week. We did spend about an hour lugging brush tonight which was excellent exercise, I can tell from the dying. It turns out that trees are heavy and if I had realized that sooner I might not have been so eager to help. We're clearing the area where the orchard will be (yay!) and it's an awful lot of work. It smells nice though, I'm dirty but pine fresh. We have another acre to do for the garden, it's worth at least 5 pounds. At least.

"a vague threat is nobody's friend"

Last night Matt and I had to go out to dinner for a birthday. We were late but grandma was thrilled anyway. It's been a busy week and the restaurant is right next to a grocery store so I dragged a sleepy Matt over for tea and broccoli, staff of life and all that. And who do we run into but my Jamaican workforce. Who were pleased to see me and displeased to see Matt and told him several times, with shaking fingers, that if he wasn't good to me they'd be happy to take over. Heh. Honesty is a virtue I suppose.

It will amuse some of you who know me and my computer skills well enough to learn that I am the technical wizard at my job. It's amusing all around, especially when there is some computer emergency and they call me to fix it. Yesterday we tried to set up password protect on a very important computer. My boss is generally afraid of computers and doesn't want anything to happen to them. This is why we were passwording it in the first place only when I tried to set up a simple screensaver log on window it said there was already a password. There are some things I can do on the Mac that require a password so I tried to get the evil like satan windows vista machine to give it up and make me enter a password...without logging off of very important computer. I mentioned this to the primary user who said "I know what to do" and logged off. This is where the funny comes in because we didn't have the password. We entered every possible and whoops, nothing. I had to call the evil as satan geek squad who couldn't possibly help me over the phone and suggested I take the entire computer to Best Buy, have them back it up and then wipe it clean and start over. Help desk my ass. That's not helping. "Oh, you cut your finger...let's amputate and see if it grows back". What the hell kind of tech support is that? This would be the point where my head exploded because you do not tell your boss you have to wipe the computer clean after trying to set up a password. It's also the exact point when my boss ambled in on some other errand and said "I didn't mean for this to be so hard..." and wandered away again without really understanding that the computer was moments away from being a paperweight. Thank god, or buddha, everybody.

I sent some frantic emails to some very kind people and was in the process of creating a re-set disc from the locked computer's technological twin when they got the password...the very password the computer told me it couldn't accept because there was already a password. If I wasn't so relieved I would have run over it with a tractor. Seriously, it was an Office Space moment waiting to happen. At some point we have to do the same thing to the other half of the pair but we're not logging off of that bastard...not ever. And I'm making 7 re-set discs and I'll wear them like talismans and also I'll go to church that day and do the rosary wearing a hair shirt while I write a big fat tithe check. Desperate times, desperate measures. Even though my new iMac sometimes quits adobe the very second I have the photo perfect and that sometimes makes me cranky, I'll forgive it eternally because it's not a freaking Dell Vista piece of crap. It's important to count one's blessings, I think.

"I don't like skinny women"

I'm in love with a boy at work. Not only did he say, at 22, that he's definitely younger than me but today he said he prefers...err...rounder women. Could he be any more endearing? If anyone reading lives in Maine and has a fondness for Magic the Gathering players write me and I'll set you up. It's wrong on all sorts of levels but I love days at work when the bitterness isn't mine. I seem to have successfully put it all in a box, at least for now, and it's much better for the body and soul. I'm very much at peace right now and trying to get my own things in order. Some of that involves buying things like desks and computer programs and plane tickets which does make me a little nervous with the spending but I need to live my life my way eventually.

I need a workspace at home and I'm completely in love with Adobe and I really want to go to BlogHer this year but mostly I need a desk before my arms fall off. I have adult things to do like work and file and I need a desk damnit! so I'm getting one. It's harder than I thought because I don't want some cheap piece of crap, it's time to start buying furniture I like instead of furniture I can easily afford and also it has to fit in my house. Pretty much I have to get to IKEA and make a decision. It's time to have an office and get organized. I'm trying very hard to get things together and move forward and yadda yadda yadda. Be a grown-up is my theme for the year, 2008 is the year of maturity and also a lot of shopping. Computers and programs and desks and some medium fancy kitchen knives that make me tingle all over.

I hate being a spender but it's true that you can only deny for so long and some things add to the quality of your life more than they add to the clutter and I really love those knives. I want to go chop something right now, if I could chop and type I would. Sugarcrook pointed me to a knife book a while back and I've been meaning to get a new set for ages. The more research you do on knives the more you want to spend but I'm not that comfy so I bought a cheap set of J. A. Henkels at Target. I keep thinking that if I'm this hot and bothered over the trailer park cousins of the super excellent knives I'll want to marry the real thing. I have something to save for again as soon as I buy my new office set-up. Goals are a good thing right?

Fool's Energy

On day one of babysitting my dad asked me if we needed any groceries and I gave him a list and on it was coke. He brought me a case. According to the number of cans I brought home, I drank 5 in three days. Sad, sad, sad. I'm very tired and I really don't think the soda helped me keep up with the children, neither did the cookies or the pizza for breakfast. I gained two pounds over three days of babysitting. You know that saying "an inability to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part", I didn't plan and I ate like it was an emergency and it wasn't. Clearly my dad would have brought me anything I wanted and I didn't ask for salad and fruit. I have to go back next weekend for a birthday and there's another birthday dinner on tuesday, it's going to be a long week of walks and salads and cake mixed in.

The children wore me out completely. Three days have never passed so fast in all my life. I knew going in it would be hard and I should count myself lucky that they're not the sort of kids who cry over being with babysitters. Maybe it's different when it's family, I don't know. I wish I had thought of more fun stuff to do, mostly we played in the dirt and then blew bubbles with dish soap bubble stuff (get dirty and then play in soap, I'm a genius).

I'm finding it hard to sum up my weekend. I had all these grand schemes of writing and being brilliant but it turns out that all of my sister's neighbors have passwords for their wireless networks, bastards, and also I spent every minute the children weren't awake cleaning up noodles and cookie slime and sleeping myself. I brought some netflix to watch and didn't even get close. Instead I have every line of Dora Saves the Mermaids lasered on my brain. Not that Dora was all bad, there was an island with pirate piggies and one of them had a peg leg and I really wonder who ate it because pigs that solve problems by dancing the conga probably don't have raging sea battles. Mmmm, barbecue.

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I have lots to do so obviously I'm blogging it

I bought a very cheap dvd player yesterday. I feel conflicted about it but I'm going away this weekend and I'm taking the computer and someone has Cannonball Run to watch while I'm gone and it would be cruel to deny him. And also it was 30 dollars and it'll probably last till I die given the current state of things. It might be the best thing I ever bought, so I'm conflicted but full of hope. I have a lot to do today to get ready, I'm leaving tonight to babysit for the weekend. I'm feeling stressed about getting ready for the trip which I'm sure will be very amusing in hindsight of events to follow. I am forever in awe of my sister, I only have a cat and I'm struggling getting out the door on time.

The very bad thing is that I should be walking right now. I mastered no chocolate last week and this week I added move your ass, so I've been taking a 2 mile walk every morning. Until today because I left so much undone last night. Obviously I'm not doing it now because I'm very clearly blogging, one must prioritize. I felt this need to document the walks and how they didn't kill me incase I'm not inclined to start again on Monday. Getting those two miles in makes me feel like I have something to be proud of for the rest of the day and then I don't have to worry about whether or not I get in other exercise at night...which is quite difficult lately. I'm sure the children will keep me running this weekend, and if the weather's nice we'll be playing and going for walks and if I didn't still have to pack I'd be feeling very optimistic right now.

Slim Mints

Almost exactly a year ago I bought a new dvd player. I scrimped and saved and checked consumer reports and then went to Best Buy and paid 200 dollars for a fancy dvd player which holds five discs and has five speakers and five is really the magic number here because it died exactly that many days after the warranty ended. Ironical. It's not completely fair to say it's "dead". It's quite rude of me I'm sure because the radio still works and who doesn't need the radio feature on their dvd player to work, radio is a very special feature after all and clearly it's not dead dead if the radio works. AARGH! This is a pirate growl moment if ever there was one.

I'm pissed about the dvd player. I've lived here for 4 years and I've gone through 4 dvd players and that's just not right. The money, the waste, it's very annoying. I purposely sprung for the fancy reliable one (consumer reports approved people!) so as not to have to replace it in exactly a year. I'm not sure what to do now. Matt thinks I stress them with my use and I think I'm cursed or maybe I kicked a puppy in my last life but I think the fact that karma is targeting only the dvd player is a little bit specific for a force of cosmic balance. Probably I overuse it.

I like noise in my house and I don't have cable so I play movies or tv shows on dvd pretty much all the time. I hang with Hyacinth while I'm cleaning and I watch Firefly while I'm baking. Sometimes I listen to music but at heart I'm a tv addicted dork and I admit it freely. The player broke this weekend and it's been really quiet. I played some vhs tapes and it was like watching cave paintings being made. It was kind of nostalgic actually, like any minute your best friend is going to throw Rolos at you or put your underwear in the freezer. Anyway, dvd players in my house get a lot of use and I just don't know what to do. Complex electronics should not be disposable but I'm certain it will cost as much as a new one to fix the old one and god knows when it'll go down the drain again. Philosophic questions such as these require much thought and also snacks.

Which leads me to wondering if anyone else has been shocked by their girl scout cookies this year? To complain about one's girl scout cookies is to admit that one is eating them and I do. It's a regular confessional in here today except that I never did learn the rosary properly. Catholic insanity aside, the quality of our samoas and thin mints really sucks. Those are of course the only kind we buy and so I have no idea if Tagalong admirers are suffering or not. I hope not. It's very upsetting when 20 years of snacking memories are wiped away by a single box. Girl scout cookies are so much more about the longing than the actual product but this year the longing is dead like my dvd player. I grilled my sister about her cookies and she said she didn't notice so I'm wondering if it's a Maine cookie conspiracy. Our cookies are pallid and sad looking and to prove their unworthyness we opened the box last week and they're still on the counter. They might as well be brussels sprouts. Next year I think I'll just write them a check. I never thought eating cookies would make me so depressed.

"This isn't a tupperware party, it's a little hard to plan"

I had to hide from a gay man in Target today. I've been thinking lately that my life is really boring and that nothing interesting happens to me anymore but that's not actually true. The true truth is that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been able to think and write and tell my stories. And then you find yourself ducking behind displays of discount lingerie and you think that life can't go on if you don't find a way to blog this. It was pure instinct to hide in the lingerie section, I figured of all the places in Target mr. scary gay man wouldn't visit, number one would be the discount panty aisle. In retrospect I shouldn't have been so afraid of anyone driving a yellow volkswagen beetle. The thing is that that parking space was mine. MINE. And it was a little unnecessary to park behind me and gesture like that. All I could think was "I hope Fried Green Tomatoes isn't his favorite movie". I guess he was more of a Steel Magnolias kind of guy because he didn't trash my car.

I ended up sitting with the doors locked pretending to look for something in my purse like a big sissy waiting for him to give up and park somewhere else and then ran like hell when he was gone. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER. And then I called my sister because who do you call when you're hiding out from a bitch slapping, hair pulling showdown in Target? What's the protocol for a situation like that? What would that handy yellow survival book say under parking lot scuffles? I bet it says hide in the panties, I'm sure of it. Anyway I didn't go to Target for underthings so I had to venture out to greeting cards eventually and did in fact spend the whole time peeking around corners just in case. I felt very exposed at the register, it was painful. Why is it in Target that there are five cars outside and yet the lines are fifty people long. Is that some kind of clown car Target shopping algebra equation that defies the laws of physics? It was very tense for me.

My whole shopping day was ruined with the tension. I walked through the gap and I kept thinking it was sort of a shame that we didn't end up having a fight in the parking lot and then becoming friends and then we could go shopping together. Probably that only happens in movies. In real life you get run over by a yellow volkswagen or maybe he says something hurtful about your shoes. It's been a very hard day.

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here"

Three days. I've passed the hump. Yay for me. I'm very impressed with myself. I'm also very impressed with the growth of our sprouts. Did I mention we're growing a farms worth of veggies in our kitchen? It's very exciting. It would be more exciting if there weren't still snow covering the stumps that are in the field that will be the garden but what can you do? Clearly we have a lot of work to do to further our gardening endeavors. We're growing lots of exciting things, soon we'll have fresh herbs and later we'll have fresh veggies and potatoes and also cat nip. I can't wait for summer, I really can't. Gardening is going to be good for me on so many levels, wonderful exercise and all that fresh food to eat. I'm growing tons of tomatoes to can so I can win my suzy homemaker award and prepare for the apocalypse at the same time.

It's a good thing we're growing all that cat nip because the warm weather is bringing the chairman a bath. It's not so much that she stinks, she's just musty. I don't understand it, I hardly ever keep her in a drawer. And also she bathes often of the tongue variety and there's no reason for her to be so dirty. My new friend at work has a Maine Coon too and hers gets a bath once a month. I think the Chairman would tunnel through a wall if she had a bath every month. Or kill us in our sleep. Hard call. Anyway, my cat stinks and she needs a washing and I'm worried about it. I know she could take me, she's buff and has a furry will of iron. If the blog goes cold it's because the fur overlord has taken me down, wish me luck.

day two

Another day chocolate free. It's not so much that I think chocolate abstinence is the way to go on forever. I agree that chocolate has benefits and I definitely don't think a life without chocolate would be worth living I just don't want it to be some stupid fat ass crutch that I can never get rid of. I'm going to try to go the week without bringing chocolate to work. I can hardly think of any days in March that I didn't have a candy attack and that's not good. I think every thing will go better for me when I take better care of myself and even if it doesn't I'll still feel better and have something to be proud of. I'm making it a goal to not pack chocolate for work this whole week. It's much easier to avoid it when I'm home, I feel much less under pressure.

In other news I have a dress for my best friends wedding. What more can you ask of a bride than to find, buy and ship you your very own clearance bridesmaid dress. Good service! It's not so much that I've been avoiding buying a dress for myself, it's just hard. She picked a size fourteen which should work well for altering. I hope anyway. It's the right color and the right price and I'm sure I'll be so busy bridesmaiding I'll hardly even register what I look like. Until I see the pictures. I think I need to accept right now that I'm going to think my arms are fat in every picture and just get over it because if I'm not willing to do push-ups every day until October there's no point weeping over the end result. Anyway, the dress deal is done unless it doesn't zipper which would really teach me a lesson about getting my act together. Now I just need shoes. Don't suppose she'll be up to mailing me those too...

along the lines of bill w.

I did not have any chocolate today, principally because I didn't pack any for lunch. I decided this weekend that I'm not going to let stress make me a big fat whiner so I'm taking control of the things I can. Pilates in half an hour and eight glasses of water and no chocolate and also flossing, what more can you do? We're not expecting tomorrow is going to be a good day and the last thing the designer said to me was to pack chocolate. Crap, I need something better for me to rely on for stress relief, like say exercise. I suppose chocolate every day is better than liquor but not by much when you're trying to get healthy.

Here's to a better week with better choices and less stress and hopefully not too much yelling. Positive thinking and planning all around and lots of tea to take the place of the pounds and pounds of chocolate I ate in March. Here's to April and less fatty goodness.

hope burns eternal

I'm finding it very difficult to gather myself for the, err, coming struggles. One minute I feel super confident and the next I just wish I could go back in time. I'm really trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and something positive will come of this but mostly I think I'm being punished for making a mistake. Which is very dramatic I know. I think the root of the problem is that I'm punishing myself. I stopped exercising, I stopped being a scrupulous saver and I started believing that maybe I could stand being belittled as long as it pays well. That's not taking charge of your life, in the traditional sense.

I have removed the rest of this, better to not be in the public view after all. Patience is a virtue.

Mini bagel my ass.

"you want me to admit I'm an asshole? Sign a statement swearing I'm an asshole?"

Today was a rough day and I don't want to talk about it. Which is obviously why I'm blogging about it. Speaking of things that make me cranky, we watched "who killed the electric car?" and it was very annoying. It's fascinating in that I had thought bio-diesel was the way to go but now I'm thinking plug-in hybrid and pretty much anything that doesn't put money in bush's pocket. Unfortunately battery only might not work here in the super cold, even bio-diesel isn't great in the sub-zero temps. Prius might be as good as it gets in the great cold ass north.

My jaw has been fused by stress for the last few days. Which strangely hasn't kept me from eating everything before me. I have no excuse, it's stress eating and you'll feel better if you eat this eating and pretty much stupid eating. I haven't gained any weight yet it's just depressing because I know I'm only eating because I'm grumpy. I used to snack at work because I was bored and somehow that was easier to put a stop to, have some tea and get over it. Now it's more difficult especially because I don't even keep a tea cup at work anymore. I even took my "personal" pens home so the business can't unduly profit from my used bics, that's how grumpy I am.

What to do, what to do. I'm searching the want ads and pulling out my pilates mat tomorrow. Yesterday I used my stepper and today I went up and down the actual stairs a hundred times...which has to count for something. I realized today that I really want to be running. It's probably a highly symbolic form of exercise for me at the moment, I want to jog and think and work out the GRRR. I thought the kickboxing would be good for that but it's sort of difficult to keep up with the routines when your mind is so busy. You really have to pay attention to what you're punching and kicking or you get all turned around and step on your cat. Fact. The thought of running is so freeing. If I wasn't ready to walk out on my job at any minute I'd totally buy a treadmill.

Clearly I'm editing this post the next day. It's become really difficult to think about normal things and god forbid write anything worthwhile when my brain is absorbed in thinking about how I made a big mistake and risks are bad and how will I feed the cat and pay the dsl bill if I quit tomorrow? Some days I think I can survive anything and some days I can't and clearly I'm going insane because all I can think about is post-it notes.

"The truth is there's always more down"

So, I want to say right now that I've worked pretty hard not to whine about the job lately. I'm trying very hard to be a grownup and accept responsibility for my decision and tough it out. There are two things I do every day now that I work where I work, prepare for a fight and pack chocolate for lunch. Today I offered some of my lunch chocolate to my work BFF and I mentioned how compelled I am to eat chocolate since I started this job. She said "me too, it's because we're abused". We're always discussing our plight: educated, employed white women in the free world. And then we laugh at our hypocrisy. In all honesty though, she's very concerned about starting her career at a place with such a shady reputation. I'm just annoyed to be treated badly, I don't really care about the impact on my career because I don't see my future as an administrative assistant. Maybe that's foolish of me but mostly I just think about the money so I'd put my bets on shallow over foolish.

Anyway, today I wasn't prepared for a fight. Every time I do my job I prepare myself to defend whatever I've done. For example, the printer calls and says you need to approve the proof before the catalogue can go to print. The catalogue getting printed is a priority of the boss' so you go to the printer and approve the print. There a few things the boss could say in this example. If you're very lucky he will be on the phone and will never notice you are gone. He could say "that was fast and efficient how you handled that errand, what a stellar employee I have here". He could say "I thought that was taken care of" and then you have to explain the process and he swears up and down that he's never had to do that before and it's probably true because a) he doesn't do it and b) I wouldn't explain it to him if I didn't have to either.

In today's real life scenario, the embroiderer came to deliver some samples. As the boss went down to talk to the embroider he said "I need an inventory of the shirts we have". I went to my office, tidied the project I was working on and returned to his office to do the inventory. We will be starting work in two weeks (unofficially), I presumed we would like to have our inventory complete before 30 employees arrive that need shirts so we can order what we need. Apparently I put the pre in sumed because my boss says to me that my taking on this project at this moment must mean that I have nothing to do and he'll have to take a look at my to do list. I wasn't prepared to argue with him, I just said I thought we'd like the inventory before we start work. He said he doesn't need it right now so why am I wasting my time on it. Like doing everything at the last minute is a work ethic I need to embody.

He also takes issue with the number of post-it notes I have on my "desk" (quotes because it's not a desk at all, it's a fucking counter and I just feel a need to moan about it) because he thinks they all represent unfinished projects. He used this against me today, it's one of his favorites. Mostly they're reminders and not very important. I have a running list of needed office supplies, I have a note to call a lady who is never home or has caller id which I would totally understand, and notes of his appointments to help me remind him. There is not one single half finished project note. I guess I should be glad that at least I know he doesn't read them. Which makes me wonder if he'll notice that I took all of my personal things home tonight. Not that I kept many there. I also grabbed my yogurt out of the fridge because if I'm quitting I'm going to need to ration that yogurt.

Tomorrow I have a worker's comp. conference. My chocolate buddy asked if I was still going when she saw me cleaning my desk and I said yes, I can always put it on my resume. Maybe I'll cool down enough tomorrow and remember the big fat check and find a way to take the abuse until I find something else. Right now I'm not sure it's worth it.

same as it ever was

You know how they put the candy at the checkout so that when you see it your shopping defenses are pathetic and weak and you're forced to buy it. I bought some candy yesterday at target out of pure weakness. I bought a Ritter sport just to see what it was like. Like, testing an orgasm to see if it's any good. Short story shorter, it was a yummy purchase. The chocolate with the cookie inside, sort of like those little school boy cookies but on steroids. It's totally target's fault. If they'd just keep the chocolate in the men's underwear section or somewhere the world would be a thinner place.

But anyway, I've been feeling like crap lately so it's time to get my routine back together. It's been a month and I need to get over myself and do some friggin' pilates. Guaranteed I'll be writing next week about how wonderful it is to do pilates again and why did I ever stop and blah blah. I genuinely hate myself when I stop exercising because I know how hard it is to start again. I cannot be trusted to take a break and get back on the wagon. Stupid wagon. Stupid analogy. "Get my shit together" is so much more elegant.

I have a shit getting plan for my day. Put yesterday's groceries away, wash a sink full of dishes, go back to basics and do my beginning pilates dvd. Starting over sucks and it sucks that it's necessary and it sucks that I keep having to start over again and again when I should be rolling merrily along. Aargh!

Things are even aarghier than I thought. One of the many, many things I bought yesterday was a very cheap pair of very nice shoes. It's so rare that awesome sale shoes are in my size I just couldn't resist. The 8.5 was the sample shoe, so I tried it on and it was awesome and I went in search of the match and the box. Lo, right in front of me was a box with untouched shoes with 8.5 written on it. YAY. So I grabbed them and then we went to dinner and lalala and then today I opened them up and Whoops, they're huge. It would seem that 8.5 in the UK is, uhm, 11 in the US. The chirpy sales assistants are holding the 8's for me...I'll have to sneak out at lunch tomorrow and fetch them. My shopping skills were very poor yesterday, disappointing.

Shopping seizure

This post is in no way about shopping. That was a lie. A falsehood. What is true is that I actually went to check out the gym today. It's the tiniest bit cheaper than the Y and apparently gets fewer exercisers, but it's also really tiny. I don't know how many treadmills I think I need but two seems very few. And it rhymes, yay! But I went and I guess I want credit for going to the gym to check it out even if I didn't actually sweat or anything. I've decided it's time to stop putting things off. I've made my peace with this super crazy job and it's stupid to stop taking care of myself and working toward a goal. This body is forever and the job, well, those change. The ass I'm stuck with so I should probably make it a priority. And the abs. Those too!

Dear snow,

You've been doing your thing since November. It is almost April. Seriously, we get it. Sixteen feet is enough, really.

Sincerely, Amy

"rife with single entendre"

Today at work I found a carefully kept file containing my boss' obituary. That was the most banal and uninteresting part of my day. I'd like to say it's nice to not be the one getting yelled at but it's not that nice when you still have to hear the yelling and take care of the people who did get yelled at and also yelling at someone for an hour and a half because they aren't being efficient with their time is well...obviously. But anyway, this is supposed to be a fat blog.

I still haven't hit up the gym near my job. Because I am a slacker. I'm still hanging around 173 and it's fine. I know I should be exercising more, I feel better when I am and I need to keep up my fitness and blah blah...I hate myself for slowing down. I've been kickboxing about twice a week and nada on the pilates. I have no excuse, I have the time and I'm obviously not using it to blog so, err. I guess I'm still surviving the transition. It's almost been a month...how much time do I need to get my crap back together anyway? Geez.

"taught me a lesson I didn't want to learn"

When I was in school there was this Docker's commercial, something along the lines of "nice pants! Dockers?". I'm thinking of it today because someone in the ladies room at Borders started a five minute conversation about my AE jeans. She was wearing the same ones, and gee they fit like a glove. It was quite sweet actually, the kind of conversation you can only have in a chain store restroom. The point is the conversation reminded me of one morning at the bus stop where kid a says to kid b "those are nice pants! Dockers?". And kid b is al "yeah, why" because kid a is the older brother of kid b's best friend and pretty much kid a exists to torture kid b. So then kid a turns to kid b and says "maybe you should lose the sticker?".

I live in fear of those stupid clear plastic stickers with the size imprinted. All because of that one day at the bus stop. The terrors of a public school education. I'm more than a little paranoid that one day I'll show up at work to some important meeting with one of those L stickers emblazoned on my chest. Or a twelve short on my ass. Which is unlikely because those stickers are usually on the front of pants, but my paranoia can't be reasoned with. When mrs. bookstore bathroom commented on my jeans, all I could think was that I left a sticker or a tag on. It's been many wearings and washings since I got the pants and still all I could think of was that day at the bus stop witnessing the humiliation only a best friends' brother can produce so well. It was strange, how some memories just blindside you and you're left wondering why your subconscious held on to a memory about khakis for so long.

And then I bought a pineapple. Segue way who? I went to the market hungry and I came home with a pineapple. And brown 'n' serve rolls. Those were my impulse items. I guess it's better than like 5 cakes or a chocolate fountain, but still I have to eat a whole pineapple by myself now. I opened up my Mark Bittman who suggested that my pineapple was probably under or over ripe and pretty much a lost cause but when I cut it open it was ok. It's quite yummy actually, but enough work not to be a regular on my list. Unlike the rolls. I'm cooking a reasonably holiday-y dinner tomorrow so it seemed reasonable to get the devil's dinner rolls. The bleached white flour dipped in butter and served with butter and possibly also gravy rolls of heart disease waiting to happen, yum. Happy Easter!

The sweating makes me peckish

I kickboxed this morning. Can you say that? Is that the english? I'm having the difficulty with the language and the speaking lately. But I did exercise which I think earns me a gold star. I don't know if it was the getting up early or the exercising or just a case of the munchies but I was hungry all day. I also didn't drink enough water and that was bad and maybe that made me hungry too. I'm having a hard time drinking enough water at the new job because I am lazy and their water is gross.

The bank got bottled water because they thought the town water was fishy. Which is ironic because the bottled water comes from a source below the island dump. The town water was gross and the bottled water was gross but after five years I could drink it. The new job has bad tasting water that may or may not be poisonous. Technically, our house water has never been tested either...but if we're being slowly poisoned we haven't noticed and that has to be a plus, At least we're not suffering. Anyway, I have been bringing my own water in order to keep my intake up and be skinny and healthy and have a pony or whatever. It's a pain in the ass. I have a separate bag for my water bottles and then I have to wash them and bleach them and urgh, I'm too lazy to be hydrated. People should mate with camels, bestiality is highly underrated.

I got distracted there, my point was going to be about why am I so hungry the one day in weeks that I get off my ass and exercise? I've felt really good about my "diet" and habits lately. I love being busy during the day and not eating out of boredom. I love it, I'm in love with being busy. I need to be in love with exercising and being busy and not overeating but how do I know if I need the extra food or if I'm subconsciously giving myself permission to eat more because I know I exercised. I guess I need more than one day to make a scientific study about it. Guess I'll have to exercise tomorrow too, geez...

"Wow, you must do a lot of baking"

Said the cashier when I bought my apocalypse amounts of flour and sugar yesterday. Matt is all paranoid about the prices going up and him being short of snacks so he requested I stock up on the essentials. Nothing makes me feel more insane than buying 60 pounds of flour. We just need a cheese wheel the size of wisconsin and some rifles and we'll be all set to survive some horrible event we won't want to survive in the first place.

I'm feeling the crazy for having admitted that but I'm also feeling the crazy for having written an entire post last night and then getting to the bottom of my screen and no post button. I suppose a reasonable person would have saved it in word and then sorted it out but I just shut'r down. I had been having a craving for twitchy chocolate noses and earses and it was SO time for bed, if you know what I mean. If I could just not enter a shop between now and two weeks from now I could completely forget it's easter. If only we didn't need food, and 7 years worth of dry goods. I used to play the Oregon Trail on our Apple 2e and having had the shopping trip I had yesterday makes me feel a need of procuring children and oxen and hitting the wagon train. I always lost my oxen in the river and had to sell my children for news ones, every damn time. Should have brought more children, and more grain...the pixellated frontier is rough.

I have my sights on exercising today. I have the kickboxing dvd all up and ready to go. I'm power sipping some water and lacing up my shoes in a minute. It's been a long, long time since I exercised on purpose. Much too long. I have a dream of someday hitting a balance and then, lookout size ten. Someday, if I ever get my shit together again.

Nary a bunny ate in 2008

I'm still easter bunny free and going strong, easter is in one week and then all the candy will be on clearance and that will be difficult. A test of my endurance. One of my huge problems at ye olde job was that the only thing there was to do was to go to Rite Aid and check out their bargains. No more, there's nothing truly close to the new job and certainly not within walking distance. It's much more difficult for me to make a chocolate run when I have to get in the car and drive there. I suppose that's an added benefit right there.

Yesterday I locked my boyfriend out of the house. It was an honest mistake based on his lack of cellphone and keys and also not being in range of my hollering. So I'm taking him out to lunch. He asked me the other night if we might make it to the Irish pub for corned beef sometime soonly and so it's an appropriate peace making gesture. And I can get a salad and a big dessert to make up for my total lack of rodent shaped chocolate this season. See how reasonable and responsible I can be...

Today I'm writing a resume for a job very much like the one I have. It was a good week and I'm feeling hopeful but I think it would be wrong to avoid this possibility, to not pursue it. So, I'm pursuing it at the cost of two sheets of paper and a stamp. partially because on friday one of the last things I did was assure my counterpart that I won't advertise for her job without telling her. We get a lot of resumes applying for both of our jobs and so she checked the source. Sure enough the listings had been re-listed a few days previous. Knowing what we know about our boss, there is no way he did that himself. She showed it to me and asked me anyway, as it would be my job to hunt for her replacement. It was a fair question given our circumstances and so we made a pact that if we're asked to write a job ad for each other we'll share the news. Mine is an interesting occupation.

Feigning fiscal responsibility

The super wonderful thing about this new job I have is the big fat paycheck, I got my first one last night. I went right to the bank where they didn't recognize me at all and that was a little weird. But then it wasn't actually the bank I worked in for five years. And tomorrow is conversion day! Actually, I guess it's today. The new bank is going to be weird. I remember someone posting ages ago about how their bank was holding their money and I said "hey, that's illegal blah blah blah bank speak". Turns out, there are two kinds of legal when it comes to making your money available and the bank gets to choose whether to screw you or not. My old bank chose not to screw and the new one screws, I guess it takes a village. If you have direct deposit there's nothing to worry about, if you deposit actual paper checks and or you know, cash, then they hold it. How they can legally hold cash I just have no idea but damn, no wonder they can afford to have masseuses at their main office.

SO, about the gobs of money. I bought myself a big fancy computer. The computer of my wet tech dreams and I've been too "ROAR!" to really play with it. I gave Matt a little tutorial last night. He didn't spend much time on the HP and will probably spend even less on the Mac, but it's fun to play. I set up hot corners and they're really messing him up, I take my happy where I can. Anyway, about the money. I bought an expensive computer and a slew of jeans. I bought some books and RAINBOWS and a router and dsl. I've been spending exactly the way I didn't want to.

I could have switched up my two pairs of jeans and worn them until they fell off, I decided not to. My wardrobe was at such a point, new job or not, it needed an overhaul. I could have gotten those books from the library and lived without RAINBOWS. I could have lived without the Mac and the dsl and the router too...for the sake of my bank account but then what exactly is the point of getting a better job? I don't need a fancy new car or a coach bag or even broadcast television, I just want a stable internet connection. I got it, and that's what I need to tell myself every time I want to shop for the hell of it.

Is it obvious that I'm prepping myself to go to Bangor? I need a computer bag and I have to do something about my waffle iron. We need groceries and I have to go to Target, the world headquarters of needless spending incorporated. I don't want to be one of those people who makes money on paper and has no idea where it all goes. I worked too hard lo these many years than to let that happen. I have made a very small adjustment to my standard of living, the dsl, and aside from extra travel I want to keep it that way. I just hope I can keep from getting carried away...

Still sick, still cranky about it

I spent all day yesterday trying to make a box on a computer screen. I have many, many programs at my disposal and I know not one of them well enough yet to make a damn box on a screen. Yay! I do have good news to report, Sugarcrook is a genius and my arm feels amazing. I've made a big fat effort to take vitamin B every day and my arm is no longer falling off. It's very exciting. I'm excited to have survived another week, last friday I didn't think I could and I have and I think today is going to be fine too. With or without a box on a screen.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and getting my life together. Big plans for one weekend but really, I need to get my house together and a schedule and I need to go see some gyms. I'm still thinking along the lines of "oh my god, if I quit this job I can't afford a gym" but maybe it's really cheap. Maybe I need to live as things happen and not try to insulate myself against the future. The gym is on my list for the weekend, and grocery shopping...and a meal plan. I need to clean my house and take charge of my schedule. It's my time, why do I behave like my time belongs to a job I barely like. I need to fix it now before it becomes a big problem. Those are my tiny, itty bitty goals for the weekend and also maybe to write something. I feel like I haven't allowed my mind to work for ages and it's time to relax and reflect and write and I think it will all make me feel better. I hope so anyway.

A morality tale

All my stressing has left me with a very weird sore throat and a gross nose and pretty much sick, which stinks because my projects for today and tomorrow are really fun. I'm looking forward to it even. Except for the hacking. It seems I have now hit every single physical incarnation of stress the human body can produce. Ten points for me! Last week I wasn't hungry at all, which made things worse with my blood sugar getting low and me getting crazy so this week I've planned eating more carefully so as not to be insane. I've been sleeping horribly, which makes everything worse too, so I'm taking extra time at night to chill out before bed to avoid insomnia. I'm waiting patiently for my cycle to realign although I really want to freak out about that too. My weight has been all over. I'm eating less but differently and drinking too much soda because my throat hurts. I'm up to 176 after breakfast and tea and water so I don't know what exactly that means.

Stress is the devil and I really wish I'd taken better care of myself last week. That's the moral right there, freaking out makes you ill, and tired, and fat and a little bit insane. This has been a better week but my body is still suffering from last weeks' ordeal and that was silly. I don't know how I could have avoided it knowing what I knew then but I'm working on strategies to deal with the stress. That makes me feel so much like my mother, she would so say "strategies" in a sentence and then she would nod and pull out a book. My sister suggested I get "7 habits of highly successful people" so I've ordered it. I also ordered "5 habits of successful slackers, because 7 is too many". I'll let you know how that goes.

One of the super bureaucratic business largess things at the bank, or the second bank...the one that "bought" the original bank, was their use of books like that. There was the one about the bus and the one about free prizes and what else, there's a whole library for the "stakeholders". One of my old bosses gave me "who moved my cheese" which is an interesting read, he also gave me a ton of Ayn Rand so take that mix as you will. It makes me feel strange to be ordering books like that, not exactly self help but I'm at a loss for a better word. If it helps me get through this experience and take what I want and go where I want then it's worth it, self help or not. And I get to feel like my mom for five minutes without developing an eternal love for the Lawrence Welk show and say "idear" instead of "idea".

Hump day

Two days that haven't sucked in a row. I'm looking forward to today. I have my fingers crossed for three in a row. I'm excited about my wardrobe today as I've finally found jeans that fit. American Eagle 12 short are awesome and I'm in love with them. I have a semblance of ass wearing them, it's like the denim is blessed. The DSL is blessed too. I'm still waiting on the router so we can have all the computers working and then Matt can stop cursing AOL in his sleep.

So, I am looking forward to today. I'm going to choose photos and a layout for our catalogue and I'm really excited about it. It's exactly the kind of thing to do really well and take home for my portfolio. The new designer and I had a conversation while the boss was out about our new jobs. She has a sinking feeling she's made a mistake too and we've both decided to do our best and take it all home with us. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, someone is a similar position. She's concerned about having a job on her resume that her future peers will look down upon. We'll just have to look after each other. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

"My food is problematic."

I'm blogging from the gorgeous new apple with the gorgeous new high speed interwebs. Which is a nice end to a pretty decent day. I was so full of dread that a normal day is downright awesome. Thanks for all the support. This has been very surreal. I underestimated how weird it would be. I was always thinking I needed to have experiences to keep writing and then I gripe about them when they happen. Tsk to me and my inability to deal with the gems of experience I'm offered. Shameful.

I'm now a bit shy to start up a gym membership, incase I decide to be broke again. I could, I suppose, see how much a gym membership would be. You know, like, as part of an intellectual study. Or, I could even put my goals into perspective and stop worrying all the damn time about things I can't control. That's a lovely piece of advice I need tattooed on my forehead. I suppose you do have a certain amount of control over your employment, as in my case, but you can't control how other people behave. Not ever. I feel much better since I've accepted that. I can only do my best, that's the realm of my control. You do the best with what you have and you take what comes. I just have to keep to that goal. Maybe that's exactly why I should get that gym membership...it's in my control and I'm choosing to ignore it and that's stupid. It's fairly against my new and exciting principles to ignore things that I can change and it would probably help with the stress and also I'd like to get this project finished. I might not be the super happiest but I can still work on being better and I think that's worthy. Right now anyway. Maybe I'll feel worse when I have to sign a 60 month contract for a million dollars but it'll be good for my arse anyway.

"Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life."

The girl who trained me for her job had very bad tendonitis in her right arm. She was a horticulturist by trade and had no idea how very badly you can injure yourself typing improperly. She didn't go to a doctor until her very last day at the job. By her summation, the boss was dissapointed that she was "weak" enough to seek medical attention for a work injury that he preferred to ignore. That should have been a big flashing warning light that I completely ignored. That was how he treated an employee he liked. I have since learned how he has treated employees he didn't like and if he pushes me down the stairs we're going to have a problem.

Truth be told, I spent very little time with the actual boss between my interview (where he was very nice and interested in my abilities) and my first day. All of my training was done with the girl who left. One day we were discussing the new computer they bought for me (iMac, very sexy) and the boss said "what do I do with it if they don't like me after a week?". I thought he was being facetious, but that should have been a warning too.

The thing that makes it difficult is that this job pays more money that I have ever made in my life. I could put a child through college, or, you know, take Chairman Meow to the vet. The other this is that I really like the work, most of the work anyway. I like creating ads and designing the catalogue, I don't like typing longwinded, whiny letters to everyone who has ever wronged him, personally or professionally. I don't like having things removed from my inbox just so he can see how I behave when something is lost. I have no intention of quitting just yet, but I'm not staying either. One of the interesting things that happened when I told folks in Bar Harbor that I was leaving the bank was how many people said "oh, if I'd known you wanted to leave here I would have offered you a job". What I need to do is to bump into some of those people again.

I keep telling myself that I don't have to like him to do the work and take the money. However, I left the bank to do something better, to be happier. This is not it. I was so ravenous for the job I didn't really consider the warning signs. I didn't think about how many year round positions were open at this company and the possible reasons why. It doesn't have to be all sunshine and roses for me to get something out of it, it'll be like my very own literary marvel "the devil does landscaping". Not every job is a perfect fit, it doesn't mean you don't learn from it.

See how reasonable I am today? I'm a marvel of adult, professional, reasonable behavior. Calm, collected, not at all ready to lash out if that man tests me monday.

"Tea can do many things, but it can't bring back the dead"

In news that has nothing to do with the fact that I think I made a huge mistake taking this new job, the wi-fi is getting hooked up monday. Matt is home from work and will be snow-shoeing to the phone box for the phone men. Phone people, they could well be women. That was very politically incorrect of me. OH MY GOD I HATE MY BOSS! He's a big fat jerk. And I hate him, hate him, hate him. Matt thinks it's little man syndrome. I work for Napoleon and every day is Waterloo. And also my arm hurts from typing.

So, how has everyone been? I feel like I've been on Mars, I've been so far from the blogging community. It's weird. It's all weird. That is so not the right word and yet that's what I've got. I'm working for this man, this horrible condescending man. Someone who seems to enjoy making me feel worthless, and not just me. Aren't Rotarians supposed to be kind. He's not kind, he's the opposite of kind. And also the opposite of professional, in my totally worthless opinion.

My sister tells me to give it a week, and she also tells me to make a stink if something happens again. I can't decide if I'm over-reacting, it's only been a week. I don't want to stay long enough to have to put it on my resume or for him to blacken my name throughout ellsworth. Like I care anyway. I'm the only person there who doesn't feel like they "need" the job and that's sad because everyone else is prepared to take his crap because they can't afford not to. That's not the way to build loyalty or to get the best out of people. Again, in my opinion.

I'm now off to check the want-ads again. Christ.

The last day of the first week

It's been a weird week, which I should have expected but I just thought it would be less weird. Matt and I are going out for dinner to celebrate my survival. I'm happy to report my weight has stayed around 173. If I can get back to exercising I should be in a good place. As of yet I haven't felt any need to eat all the food in the whole world because of stress so I guess that should be counted as success.

"adventures in sitting"

Tuesday was a much better day at work, and I even left after 8 and a half hours. Like normal people do. I got to be cranky with a sales rep and fix things and be indispensable, for a whole day. Wooh! And then I got home and Pinky upstaged me by having a baby, the lengths some people will go for attention. tsch.

At present I am learning that office supplies are very expensive and some people like to shop a little too much in the staples catalog. I have to be the person who says "but last month you swore you needed blue sharpies, if you need red sharpies now what do I do with all these blue ones". Can't wait!

I should be exercising right now. I had it on my schedule. In my brain I know I'll feel better afterward, and accomplished and whole...and yet I can't get off the couch. Getting the dishes done was my big accomplishment for yesterday so I'm keeping my goals nice and easy of late. It's harder work than I thought it would be to use my brain all day. Fascinating.

"the tired I've everest been."

Today was a very long day, but it was totally worth it because I got a raise right out of the gate. Wooh! I got my new mac today and I'm so tired I've barely even opened it. Apparently you need to select a network to proceed and uhh, I haven't set up the wireless yet. Things to do tomorrow. In the way of interesting things I was way too busy to be hungry for lunch but WHOA starving for dinner. So that's not healthy but it's a relief to not be thinking about food all day because THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I still haven't exercised and that's bad, bad, bad. I'm not proud. I do however have a lot of crap to do this week and I think getting the gym membership is going to have to get on to next weeks' list. I'm not too proud of putting that off either but I might go crazy otherwise. I might not see the bottom of my new and exciting in-tray for a long time and I think easing into extra curriculars is probably a good idea. I don't know how to properly explain how little I had in my life two weeks ago as compared to now. I got more than one comment on my desire to have had a break between jobs. All of them correct. I've more or less been on a break for the last five years and it's time to get moving. I can't deny a need to ease into it though. I feel ridiculously fragile about it and then stupid because this is what normal people do...work hard and manage their lives with stress and expectations and somehow life goes on. Crazy.

"And before you know it powerful laxatives are involved."

So far today I've eaten too much cereal, washed four loads of laundry and made a fresh spaghetti sauce. We're getting a lot of snow so it's been sort of an indoor day. I did manage a nap but I didn't manage a lick of exercise unless you count all the cleaning. I suppose that's what tomorrow's for, all the things I didn't get done today. Groceries and pilates and maybe some kickboxing if I feel like double exercise duty. I also have to look into some early morning gym opportunities, as in more than one. It's amazing to have choices. And I'll have my Shuffle working soon. Things are falling into place in a way I hadn't imagined. All of the things I worried about are taken care of and all I have to do is make my way in this new job on monday. I really have an opportunity to make this job my own and if I'm honest it's a culmination of all the things I'm good at, it's just perfect. The gym and the shortened commute are all perks of a normal life I didn't have before. I don't know just what to make of it yet, there's so much to take in.

"Shopping?"

Two and a half days left of ye olde bank job. It's weird to be leaving, really really weird. It's weird to be doing all the things I'm doing right now, like shopping and buying and more shopping and not feeling guilt about it. I'm so busy with the shopping I'm barely tingly over my new computer. I feel like I should be riddled with spending guilt and I can't decide if that's good or bad. I don't want to feel guilty about buying things I need to buy but I don't want to runaway with the feeling and get myself into debt again. Never Never Never. It's a very transitional time for me.

I feel this need to bolster myself for this change. Bolster is probably a bad choice of words there, I guess I just mean I want to be prepared. It feels a little like graduating from junior high and looking forward to being a new person in high school. You want to fit in with the cool kids and wear cool clothes and be funny and smart and blah blah blah. I feel a little like an impostor. It's not that I really believe that the right clothes will make the difference but I want to feel confident going in. I'm the administrator for a bunch of creative types. Adorable creative types who are also skinny.

My counterpart is extremely cute, cute in that slightly bed ruffled hippie designer sort of way. I totally want to be her. I have to accept that I'm not and also that really deep down I don't want to be her I just want to be a better version of me. I don't have the bed ruffled hippie thing going on, I'm more of a clean lines and casual elegance sort of girl and there's no reason not to embrace that now that I can. It feels like an opportunity to reinvent myself. Not completely, just enough to move forward and leave some crap behind. I'm ready to leave some crap behind, and definitely the uninspired weight losing wardrobe of inadequacy. Is this post really all about clothes? No, it's about other stuff too but mostly I want to feel good about myself moving forward.

"is your card secure?"

I just bought my fancy pants new imac and discover thinks my card was lost or stolen. I guess that means I've been doing a good job sticking to my budget lately. I placed the order and tonight probably I'll place the order for my work computer. Just think of all those Gap giftcards I can earn with my discover points, I'm practically salivating. Maybe I'm just hungry. I haven't felt like eating lately and I wonder if it's the anxiety or the excitement or simply the depression wearing off. I guess I'll find out in a few weeks when I'm either so busy I'm stress eating or having to wear suspenders to keep my pants up. It'll be a scientific study.

I'm right now helping a colleague write a resume. My boss will probably have a breakdown. They had almost decided not to replace me and now they'll be down two tellers. Uh oh. Very happily not my problem. I'm going to have enough trouble hoping my Jamaicans are able to come for the season. I'm gonna learn all about visas and the horrible mess the gov has created this summer, it's going to be crazy. I don't know who they think is going to take the place of that many seasonal workers in this area, I just don't know.

I'm trying to knock out all the personal things I need to do before I start work for real on Monday. So far I've opened my Roth IRA, ordered my computer, cleaned up my desk, I still have to get wireless set up and a router bought so I can use said fancy pants computer at home and also see if my changing jobs counts as a life event to add myself to Matt's insurance. It's a lot to arrange while pretending to work. I'm not even counting the dishes that need to be washed. I'm tempted to toss them all and start over, or use the cloven hooved paper. Maybe I'll get styrofoam just to enhance the scandal!

"Brace the gate!"

Amongst my continuing efforts to ge a grown up I've started washing my face properly every night. I'm using special fancy face soap and everything. I'm also using special night face cream because I have apparently gone wild with my itty amount of disposable income. If I'm honest about it I have to admit that all this work and product nonsense has really made a difference. My skin is better off under the new regime. What gets me about the whole thing is the name of the moisturizer; fortifying night cream. Every night I feel like I'm fighting the battle of Helms Deep and the Orcs are about to breach the keep. It's very swordy, my imagination. I suppose I should be greatful for anything that holds my interest in such a mundane task. That and the glowing nubile skin.

I'm still enjoying my 173 and change but I didn't get even a minute of planned exercise this week. I walked all over the mall though, that must count for something. It's weird to have to buy casual clothes and you know, I hardly need mention, that there was nothing worth buying. Lovely office wear of course. I give myself permission to spend on casual wear for work and lo and behold the gap is all pink khakis and horizontal stripe sweaters. I also did something monumentally stupid to one of my two pairs of fitting jeans...I painted a door wearing them. The jeans now feature the unique Ralph Lauren blue splatter pattern to be seen on all runways this spring. So I started the weekend looking for outfits and actually finished with fewer options than I started with. Wooh!

Does this job make me look skinny?

173.8 hot damn. I'm too busy to eat. Busy and anxious. I've also been too busy to exercise. I have it on my list for today but I don't have great hopes of accomplishing anything spectacular. What I really have to do is get some new jeans and more casual shirts. I hate that I have to but I really do, this is a casual job and I only have two pairs of jeans. As we know I've been saving up for smaller sizes and also for fancy work clothes. It pains me to be buying more 12's (maybe not, I'll have to test drive some sizes) when I have a feeling this job is going to help me lose weight. It's probably fatal for me to mention it but I have good reason. For one I won't be eating crap because I'm bored because I'm not going to be bored. Two because I'll be at the gym first thing every morning.

I'm checking out gyms next week, I need one that opens early so Matt and I can still carpool. Apparently there's a hotel that offers memberships to their gym for cheap cheap and that would be perfect. I don't need a super fancy gym...just a treadmill or an elyptical to get some morning cardio. I just realized that I could even run on the trails at work when it's nice out and shower there and not have to be at the gym every day. It would rock to run on nice soft ground with my dodgy knee. Man, I love this job more and more every minute.

"I feel very temporary about myself"

I decided to paint a door the other night. Tonight I decided to paint the hallway and the bathroom. I finally feel inspired to do things and it's totally and completely because of this opportunity.

That was written, barely even a taste of a post, late last night before my internet connection withered and died. I'm right now selecting a new apple ibook. I love tax deductions and apparently I have to hit 5000 so I'm buying a nice one. Then a new camera and then some jeans because not only can I afford it but all of those things are relevant to my job now. I'm so glad I don't have a wardrobe of work clothes, it would now be defunct. Where was I going with the above, I was going to a place where I'm really happy and nervous and crazy about the new job. We're going steady. I'm totally wearing it's class ring.

"Is that your name or your profession?"

Hey, you know that job I kept ooohing and aaahing over, I done got it. I really know my way around an intro, I have a talent for subtly...it's my trade mark. I'm very excited. Crazy excited. I'm going over tomorrow night to start getting my bearings. Posting might be a little light but then I might be overflowing with the news and the sharing. I guess we'll see. Thanks for all the happy thoughts, I really think it helped!

Quick Quick, before someone sees!

175.4 which is definitely progress. Thank Christ. That 176 was getting old. Really old. Old like how my car is stuffed to the sunroof with dryer sheets because that's supposed to drive away the mice. Car, drive, heh. Anyway it stinks and the mice better think so too otherwise it's a waste of my nostrils. Mountain fresh my ass. Dryer sheets are awful and I hate them. Matt is a big fan but I buy him the environmentally soft pedalling ones to assuage my guilt. He thought the uber sniff ones would be better for mouse hunting so I had to buy some extra strength ones expecially for this project. They actually have a smell-o-meter on the packaging. It goes up to four but none of the packages actually rated that high. I have a feeling it's like they're trying to tell us they could be smellier and they're holding back for our benefit but I really wanted the extra smelly ones. The super toxic deluxe would have been perfect but I'm stuck with a stupid three. Hopefully it's like going up to eleven and three is the real four and mostly I just want the mice to stop eating my stuff. I also bought some pomegranate and lychee green tea, which I can tell you for a fact might be good but definitely not when you're being poisoned by mountain freshness in your car. Peace out.

How much is too much?

So far I've had toast and a brownie for dinner and it's the best night ever. I'm in my workout clothes though, so I'll have to do something resembling exercise or I'll have wasted the effort of dressing for it. This here is a high efficiency zone. Today felt wicked short because the office was buzzing about my possible leaving. I had to talk to my supervisor about it because references were asked for. She didn't seem surprised but she did smoke a lot more and that's always a tell-tale sign. Nothing is certain yet, but I feel all of a dither. Nothing new since I've been anxious all weekend.

Anywhoo? It's getting weirder and weirder to not spend all day on the internet and then come home to something that used to be your whole day. I find I don't know what I used to do with my time online, except ofcourse write stuff. I have nothing to report today and considering my dinner I'll have nothing to report tomorrow. How much butter can you eat in a day without actually dying? I'd like to know because knowledge is power and it's frightening how fast we go through those sticks of fat and salt and deliciousness. Buttered lightening.

I must away to cook the boyfriends dinner. He can't subsist on brownies and uselesss white bread toast, more's the pity. If anyone needed to pack away the pointless calories.

"everybody's got something good to say"

I hate blogging from home. Who would have thought that the bank fed my creativity? Today is a holiday so I'm home twiddling my thumbs and sorting through papers. I should have gone to see my family and return those weird pants from Banana Republic. Shoulda woulda coulda, I chose to hang here instead. You'd think my floor would be cleaner with me having all this free time. I did scrub my tub which is very good for the arms. I brushed the cat. I didn't wash all the dishes yet. Home is distracting and yet not enough. I'm not distracted enough to be content and too distracted to write anything worth reading. A new and exciting era of my life.

So, all I think about is this interview so why not blog about it and get it out of my brain. The thing is, it reminds me of this job I had that I loved. I never really thought about it before, there are so many things that cloud that time for me. I loved that job, I loved the work and the variety and the challenges it brought every minute. The short of the long is that I used to sell fish. Imported Japanese Koi actually, and no they aren't fucking goldfish so just don't even say it because it makes my brain explode. The fish thing is important because I have these dreams that I have tanks and tanks of fish in my basement and I let them all die. It's very sad. The Freud of that is that I let a relationship die, the relationship I had with my boss from the fish job and his wife and it makes me very sad.

When my mom died a lot of relationships got screwed. People said things or didn't say things and I didn't handle it well. You learn a lot about people when something like that happens. You learn a lot about yourself too, it's hard to be a rational grownup when you're suffering that kind of loss. It was too hard and I think it might be too late to fix some things. Thus the dreams. Thus the feeling that this job is a chance to step back in to my life, like the grief stricken commercial break is over. I told Matt that I would be so happy if I got this job and he said he thought so too. He also said he thinks I haven't been really happy since we met (a few months before my mom passed) and I think he's right, I've been broken for a long time.

I know it looks like I'm pinning a lot on one phone call. One opportunity. I do sort of feel like it's some Karmic wake up call. If I'm not chosen it will be for a reason and atleast I'll know what I want to be shooting for and I can get to work to make it happen. I'd been getting to that place anyway, slowly. It does seem, to me, like I'm meant to have this opportunity now and I feel really good about it. The waiting is hard because I feel so sure. I'm telling myself now that if it doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be but it will be hard to get over. But not impossible.

Zombie sex at Walmart

I just got back from a scary trip to Walmart. I hate going there but I couldn't justify the gas to go to my usual store for the two things I forgot to pick up yesterday. The two things I forgot turned into 80 dollars worth of stuff including soda and ice cream and also some rejuvenating night cream. All things I'm a sucker for and all in one convenient place. I got a movie too, Shaun of the Dead, which triggered the cashier to have a five minute conversation with me about zombies and the biological imperative to mate. It was fascinating actually, I've never had such an intellectual conversation at Walmart. Talking about the suspension of reality there of all places. Anyway, I'm trying to pretend I don't have Phish Food in the freezer, I didn't need to buy it and now I've buried it behind the actual frozen fish in the hopes that I don't eat it all by monday.

It was actually good that I got out even though I spent so much money because I've wasted most of the weekend willing the phone to ring. It will ring in the next couple of days, they want to move really fast on this new position and I just can't bear the wait. I'm cooking and doing laundry, reading a book and re-watching the Harry Potters and writing this. And still, not distracted enough. If only I could juggle and type and maybe sing showtunes...that might be enough to keep my mind off things.

You know the economy is bad when it's too expensive to die

That interview was absolutely amazing. I want that job bad, the bad where you wake up and start thinking about all the things you could do with it bad. Arrgh, I'll probably eat a bakery if they choose someone else. They asked the question that all my interviewers have been asking: "Are you one of the forty?". As in my company laid off forty people and that's a lot of paper pushers looking for work right now in a small economy. Most of the resumes the big wonderful opportunity received were from there and were discarded. This is not a paper pushing job, it's a small business pushing job. It's a wonderful job, a gilded flower of a job. God, I wish I wasn't hopping on hormones...it's going to be hard if I'm passed over.

So, hormones and a steady weight. I hate that. I always tell myself it's the water and you'll be SO skinny after but it hasn't happened that way yet so I should tell myself to button up on all counts. I have to go and return some shoes today and since I'm full of hormones I'll probably buy fifty more pairs. I'm just hoping the blond lady isn't there. The blond lady knows I'm a returner and I have a feeling one day she's going to follow me to the parking lot and stab me with a stilletto. The blond shoe lady scares me and I have the balls to admit it...anonymously and on the web. And then I have to go to the gap and they hate me too. In my brain going to the mall is like walking through a passive aggressive minefield. I assume all my favorite stores hate me because I would if I was always farking returning everything. Probably they don't care but it gives the occasion of going to Bangor so much more drama. I envision myself shopping in trenchcoat and dark glasses. God, I need this job just to keep my brain busy.

Hey, I 'm whining about employment and shopping and weight all in one paragraph. That's like a self esteem triple punch right there. Hopefully I come home as bursting with hope as I am now, it's so much worse when the doubts start to set in. They're making their decision super quick so think happy thoughts for me!

long day

This morning Dunkin Donuts gave me coffee instead of tea and I didn't realize for 50 miles. I ate two sandwiches for lunch instead of talking to anyone at training. I was really mad that there weren't any cookies but I didn't eat any candy. I drank two sodas with the two sandwiches I ate even though one was enough and one of those sandwiches was chicken and I don't eat chicken except I totally did and it was really good and I really didn't need two cokes. I'm cooking our pathetic Valentine's dinner of frozen pizza as I type. We're going to go out like grown-ups tomorrow after my interview.

That's my day in review. I can't wait to go to sleep. Also to have an ice cream sundae because we're totally having a sleepover party of a valentine's day. Maybe I'll put Matt's boxers in the freezer. And then he'll have me committed.

Happy Valentine's Day all!

Animal retribution

I hit a deer last night and today my clothes are being eaten by mice. My own personal wild america. I felt really bad about the deer, but we couldn't find it and there wasn't much damage so I'm hoping he's just miffed and not dead. The mouse, however, is going to get trapped. Of all the things I never thought I'd do in my car. Anyway, I did some exercise last night and it made all the difference. I've got to remember to always keep moving. I should be exercising right now, but I'm sitting. We had another icy driveway kind of night but without the crawling. This winter is weather-iffic. Snow, driving rain, sleet. It's pouring right now and it sounds like summer. It's making me nostalgic for outside weather.

In the lengthy pants debacle I have now received two sets of everything I ordered. I'm all set for basics for the next two sizes. I guess I'm wearing snazzy black pants tomorrow...and every day until uhm...ever. I'm not about to complain about free clothes and eventually they'll be passed on. I'll share my good pants karma. It's the circle of fashion or something.

So, the computer monitoring sucks. As I knew it would. It's such a long day with no blogs to read, or e-mail or anything fun. I had to read a book, with pages that you have to turn by hand. It was practically medieval. I have a feeling I'm going to get through a lot of books in the next few weeks. Imagine if I had a real job like I'm hoping for, one where I'm actually working all day. I have so much to get used to when I join the real world.

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There is something living in my car, and it killed my coat. What kind of mouse eats fleece?

Keeping up appearances

My legs went from feeling the burn directly to maimed. Holy crap, I had no idea how often you use the muscles on the top of your thighs. You need them to sit, and walk and stand. Bathrooms are the worst. At the company meeting last night I gave someone a fright with my leg pain moaning. She thought I was sick. What was I going to say in that situation that wasn't weird? I had nothing. I just told her I was fine. Like I'm going to say "It's the exercising, it causes the pain" there was no way out of that with grace. I'm just hoping she didn't know the sound of my voice, I couldn't place hers.

I cleaned my house and I think it disturbed the feng shui because I can't seem to think. I'll have to spend some time cluttering to get my brain back. I have two fashion occasions this week to think about, the interview and a day of training at the corporate office. I'm having a fashion parade later to sort things out. It's so much more fun to arrange clothes when you have some. Funny that. I have a co-pilot tonight, the chairman would love to share her views on cat nip and napping and day long baths. That's really the way to live. If only we were all cats.

Today begins the era of computer monitoring and so I'm blogging from home from now on. I had a cranky post all written about it but then I got a very exciting call for an interview. Hope is renewed. On the weight front too as I'm actually less than yesterday even after eating all those stupid reese's hearts. It's amazing how much that pisses me off. It's also got me thinking about Easter and the dread Russel Stover bunnies. I'm making myself a goal not to buy or eat any damn easter bunnies this year. Seasonal candy kicks my ass and for no good reason. Must be some carniverous instinct to eat furry things with heads even if they are made of chocolate. Good thing I'm not vegan.

"She knows her fortune, she's been moanin' about it all day."

One job down, oh, tons and tons to go. Rejection letters stink, even when you didn't want the job that bad to begin with. And then the new bosses bring you candy and you eat a lot of it. Damn. And I was really savouring the burn in my legs today and the exciting 175.6 on the scale. It's a shame that it's really too cold to walk today, I'd really like the exercise and it would help with the guilt of eating all those reese's hearts.

It's going to be a foodie week above and beyond gorging on cheap candy. Tonight is a pizza buffet before a meeting and wednesday and thursday will be all business meals. And also Valentine's day and p.s. those cupcakes are friggin' awesome. The hotel has a gym though and I'm bringing my pilates mat. Anyway, it's going to be a long week.

So I just checked the Reese's bag and what I ate was only 140 calories. Granted it wasn't like I needed the extra calories but it's not so bad. It's not championship end of the world snacking or anything. And all of a sudden I'm in a chatty mood and I can't believe how sore my legs are just from using the balance ball yesterday. It's been a long time since I used it and I guess I shouldn't underestimate it as an exercise tool, damn!

I've lost a whole inch of ass!

It occurs to me that I should have let Matt eat all the cookies before I went and made tiramisu. And next time I won't try to fit a serving of tiramisu in a cupcake. Of all the bowls I didn't need to lick clean that was my favorite. It's been a busy weekend, lots to do to spend a night away. I accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and bought two frozen pizzas. Let's hope Matt is extra hungry this week and I come home to an empty fridge.

So, I have to admit of all the products I've been testing lately the whitening strips have been the most effective. The firming lotion, both of them actually, haven't turned me into a firm cheerleader yet and I'm pretty sure the shampoo for colored hair I've been using is specifically designed to strip all hair into one shade: mouse. It's very disappointing. If you can't trust pretty colored bottles what can you trust?

There hasn't been much progress on the scale but I did notice a tiny difference in my measurements this weekend. The last time I measured was the end of December and yesterday the numbers were a tiny bit smaller. Most impressively I'm lost an inch off my rear and half an inch at the neck. My right bicep grew by half an inch, which I'm hoping is all muscles, and the left went down. Weird. I'm showing about a 1/4 inch change all over which is better than nothing over the course of a month or so. I'll have to make a note for myself to check in another month or so and see how things are going. It's a good pick me up for the moment anyway, gets my head off the stupid scale for a bit. Maybe I'll have my tape measure bronzed.

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Tiramisu heart cupcake for an early valentine!

Mmm...pie

Did you know there's some page with my same title dedicated to cyber-bullying? Would it be wrong for me to flame him? Kidding, kidding. "Does this font make me look fat?" just doesn't make me think cyber-bullying. But, then, obviously. Anyway, I'm fascinated. Actually, that phrase is everywhere and it's no big deal. There's a reason it's not my direct link. The reason being that I was totally going to be thin in two weeks and change my title to "my fabulous ass!" or something. Maybe it's time to known as "Brutal Reality" instead. Or "If you eat those cookies you'll never see your toes again". Hey, Hi! I'm having a rough morning.

I didn't manage much time to exercise last night. I had to cook two dinners and wash dishes and bake cookies and I had all these excuses to think up. No, actually I did hit my stepper for about five minutes but my knee just couldn't take another night of pounding. To which Matt said "do some pilates". A totally reasonable reccomendation that inspired me to sit on my rear. It wasn't a brilliant display of discipline.

Long ago and far away when I had some discipline, friday was my day off. I would take my walk at lunch like normal but friday night was sort of our relaxing night at home or grocery shopping or whatever. I'd try and kill myself all week saying "friday you can relax" and it worked pretty well. Picking back up on the weekends is never a problem for me, even I can't look at all that free time and do nothing (and I wonder why I was sick sooo long). I know that I need to do some exercising tonight to make up for last night, and the three cookies I just ate (new recipe, must test!) and i'm going to try. I was growing fond of my stepping habit, it was so like the old days when losing was so much more possible. Old horse, new tricks I guess.

"I was being patient but it took too long."

Last week while I was primping for my job interview I decided to try out some tooth whitening strips. I'm a vain spendthrift, what can I say. Anyway, it's been sort of interesting. Since I'm going to the trouble of having all these probably very bad chemicals in my body for the sake of pearly whites I'm trying to make the most of it. By make the most of it I mean I'm brushing my teeth all the damn time so my tea habit doesn't make me look like a twenty pack a day smoker.

Toothbrushing is a great snack control tool. Not only do I feel guilt over sullying clean teeth by eating something, most food is pretty damn gross after brushing your teeth. Maybe I'll have a reduction of cavities too, which would be good what with the novacaine-free drilling I'm so fond of. Is it disordered thinking to train yourself to brush your teeth every time you want a twinkie or something? Disordered but dental friendly I guess.

Still waiting around to hear from employers, still scouring the want ads. Worst case scenario I can work for a bakery in the summer and that's not a worst case at all. If I can keep saving like I am now and take unemployment in the winter like everyone else...I'd have the whole winter off! It freaks me out that I'm so excited about unemployment. Maybe I'm being slowly poisoned by our well water.

"the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting"

My muscles are killing me today. It's so great. 175.6 is also great. And I threw away those stupid doritos and that was great too. There's a pattern of goodness here. I finally recieved my long awaited took forever to order pants and they fit. It's a relief to have some clothes that fit incase I get some calls for interviews this week. I did a crazy thing though in that I now have two pairs of size ten pants that don't fit me.

When I placed my order I optomistically got myself a 12 and a 10. The 10 doesn't fit yet but for ten dollars it seemed like a reasonable thing to do to keep them. Then this weekend I went shopping again and I got myself some ten dollar jeans in the same size. I'm sort of torn about it because now I feel like I have a definite goal to fit into those pants. It's good to have a goal like that. Even if I don't lose twenty pounds I'll feel good about fitting into a smaller size. The thing is though that I may never find these pants attractive on my body.

I'm usually very anti-buying things that aren't perfect right now. I very definitely only bought them because they were cheap. That is a really bad habit and not something I want to get back into. They're still nice clothes and odds on I love them just as much as the twelves when I get a little smaller but there is no guarantee that my body won't change. That is sort of the point, after all. If I stepper my ass into complete oblivion no pants are going to look good.

A twenty dollar investment into a small one size goal doesn't seem so bad, I'm just worried about getting too pie in the sky. It's no good to live for the future like that. I still think I have it in me to lose one more size (literally and figuratively, heh) so I'm going to wing it. Y'all will have to let me know when I've gone too far and bought bikini's in a size 2 alright?

They cut drunks off when they've had too much!

On the radio this morning the dj's were discussing a proposed law in Louisiana or Mississippi (they couldn't seem to decide) where restaurants would not be allowed to serve obese people. The restaurants would be held liable for serving obese customers, even if they order a salad and a fresca. I'm sure it'll work great because fat people don't know they're fat unless you shame them in a public place and you can't get food anywhere but at a restaurant. There are so many things wrong with this I hardly know where to begin.

The title is from the first caller, a dainty wee thing, who doesn't want her kids to have to watch fat people eat. Sex, drugs, violence on tv all the time but it's food that you're worried about lady? You must have a really great life if your biggest complaint is being able to eat out with your kids and having to watch a chubby eat a cheeseburger. It must be so awful for you, living in a world with people in it and all.

It was a pretty crazy show but the craziest part was that the dj's were the only ones to voice a sense of reason. All of the callers gave the "I think it's wrong to be fat" preamble even if they followed it up with reason. Most people think the government doesn't have a right to tell us what to eat and most of them wondered if there wasn't anything more important to be worrying about and all of them think it's morally reprehensible to have an obese BMI. Once again the dj's were the only ones to point out that you don't have to eat at restaurants to be fat. Is the next law to ban grocery purchases until you look like Kate Moss?

What I wonder is how McDonalds and company deal with laws like these. They can't exactly buy ad time to say "our customers are obese and they have a right to eat!" but they're not going to put a patrol car in the drive-thru either. If it's true that most americans are fat, particularly in the south, it's also true that most of the customers at restaurants are going to be fat too. What restaurant is going to support the shaming and banning of their customer base so Mrs. Dainty and her children can enjoy their twice yearly hamburger in peace?

It makes me crazy that this law was proposed and it makes me crazy that it could be passed but it makes me even more crazy that I heard about it on the radio. A law this preposterous gets national coverage but I never heard a word about the state of South Carolina making cock fighting a felony the same day they refused to make domestic abuse a felony. I have so much to learn from american media. Fat people shouldn't be seen in public, restaurants are the only place to get food, and chickens are worth more than women. Fucking great.

"Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

176. Which really, considering the Dove bar and those Doritos, how can I complain? It was stupid but I was sort of celebrating my relative defeat at work. I, err, went over my boss' head and secured myself fair pay until I find a new job. Which I feel like a pussy for, but, I can still go on interviews and build a savings account. And I still get to screw them, just I don't have to count our food into rations and wash clothes at the river in the meantime. So, I'm a pussy and I ate ice cream for dinner, this life change is going smashingly! I did manage another half hour on the stepper and my legs are killing me. That part is great. Sore is always great.

Where to take this post from here? We were just talking about the dread tv strike. Eventually, I have to hope here, people will stop watching reality tv and the advertisers will push the networks into submission. What I wonder though, when the populace is so frustrated with the lack of new television, will society get off it's collective ass? You know the theory that war breaks out during times of over population (and dumnbass presidents)? It makes me wonder if entertainment strikes don't happen at times of epidemic obesity? Like maybe when the Romans were overfilling their togas the lions and christians picketed for a living wage? And everyone got fit again by beating them into submission. As a historian I wonder about these things.

I get frustrated with myself thinking along these lines. I try to do things to protect the environment but then I think maybe it's supposed to happen this way. I think sometimes the human race has to learn things the hard way. Maybe the obesity epidemic (and yes, I'm a believer because it's stupid to say we're not fatter in greater numbers than we have been before) is supposed to happen exactly the way it is happening. A small piece of our evolutionary history. In the here and now I think I want to be smaller and stronger and healthier but I wonder how things will play out in the future. Will the overweight of the world flourish in the environments and challenges to come or die out like the dinosaurs? I wonder about these things, I just can't help it.

A day in without a weigh in

Nope, no, that title didn't work at all. Sorry. I did totally forget about the scale this morning though. Which is a bummer because I exercised my arse off this weekend. I started stepping and reading harry potter and I think my legs fell off. I can't be sure because I was that distracted. It was a good thing. I'm going to employ that technique more often, it's good to multi task. I always feel so lazy when I'm reading. Laze no more with my new and improved system of resting a book on the bookcase while stepping in front of the bookcase. I'm a revolutionary here, I'm telling you.

I started off with a good thing and now I can share the very dissappointing thing. Of all the damn clothes I ordered last week the only ones that have arrived are completely ugly. I'm broke up over it really. My fabulous grey pants are actually black with white spots (why? how?) and the wide leg brown pants look like I died in a fat tree or something. I suppose it's good for the wallet if nothing else so there's that for a silver lining. And also the bakery is open again, which I needed to know like a hole in my head. Knowing I won't be here much longer makes it that much harder to deny myself chocolate croissants of a morning.

I'm quite proud of myself, I have three days worth of protein-y lunch all packed. That's most of my week tackled on the lunch front. If I can keep up my potter-cise for the week I might have a nice burst of success come next monday. There's nothing like a definitive pound loss to get your ass in gear and I'm determined to have one this week. It's February already, have to get a move on sometime. And I just realized that I missed my fat-a-versary with all the homeless jobless hoopla. Man, I was going to wax rhapsodic about all the pounds I totally haven't lost this year. Better luck next year I suppose. Or bust.

"I'm getting more and more tortured in my old age....well, I try."

Two pilates sessions since yesterday and my tension is all gone. That and I'm home today playing with beads and cleaning my house. It's a beautiful thing especially because my last customer yesterday handed me a few hundred dollars of rolled coin covered in pubic hairs. Money is disgusting. One of the more ocd reasons I like using my discover card for everything is that I can bleach it at my leisure. I'm biding my time for an interview this afternoon. I didn't want to risk not being able to leave work so I took the whole day. I'm glad I did because it's giving me some distance and some time to scrap an outfit together.

Not a one of the pieces of clothing I ordered last week arrived in time so I had to hit the mall last night. I ended up with just a shirt. My ass is completely between sizes 10 and 12. One too tight and the other too loose in all the wrong places. What was I expecting? I should know by now that I can't walk into a shop and find a full outfit that fits the night before an interview. I thought I'd be more and more into clothes as my sizes came down and lo and behold it sucks just as much as before. I must remember that losing weight makes nothing easier, just different.