nanny state fanny state

Apparently it's a big deal that facebook has ads for weightloss gimmicks. How shocking! People trying to make money off other people's insecurities! No other company ever did that! It's ironic that I just read an article about how terrible it is that facebook wants to start charging for their services. It seems you can't win if you're facebook, they're not allowed to take ads from paying buyers and they can't ask customers for money. I hate to sound like a D.A.R.E. officer but seriously if people click on those ads the company will make money and they'll run more ads, it's a just say no situation. Or maybe a get over it situation.

I truly don't understand this modern need to protect the masses from their own mistakes. The children at the local school aren't allowed to play in the snow because they might fall. Who decided that life was too dangerous to live and why do we all buy in to it so easily? I honestly don't want to be a part of a culture that supports keeping children standing stock still in a frozen playground rather than letting them play and then denies them the occasional cookie because they're too fat from being encouraged to stand around or stay inside all the time.

Life wasn't always like this. Hardly one hundred years ago if you fell down playing and broke your arm you learned to be more careful or at least the fact that life is sometimes painful but you survive. It's a sad thing that we work so hard to make life easier, there is a definite lack of character in people today. Maybe I'm heartless but I think we're killing ourselves with unnatural selection. If you are a person who doesn't know that clicking the blinky blink "lose all your fat yesterday!" icon is a bad idea you deserve to get fleeced. I don't think those people need our protection. I think making mistakes and learning from them is a part of life, an important part of life. It's a harsh reality that getting what you want isn't what life is about and it's even harsher that some people make their living propagating the myth.

I don't yet think the human race is so stupid that literate people with access to the internet need violent protection from ads on facebook. There has to be a more worthy cause somewhere, even fighting pedophiles on myspace is a better use of time or visiting your local nursing home if you really want to make an actual difference in someone's life. I'm beginning to think personal computers are the root of all evil, what other medium allows people to to pander and protect the insecurities of so many.

"I never liked drinking milk, I hate cows."

Things are crazy and I've got nothing to say about it, or so it seems from the lack of blogging. There really isn't that much going on when I think about it rationally but I seem completely unable to process and deal so it feels extra crazy. I didn't get the job with the nun, the water froze again and the puppy is teething. I have a lot of things that I want to be working on that aren't getting done and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm supposed to do my taxes today, it's on my list. And send out some resumes. And bake something with bananas. The ands could go on and on if I let them but I think I'll stop here before I work myself into a medication required frenzy.

I'm trying to focus on positive things today so...I am feeling positive about redecorating my house. Mostly I'm just boxing up and storing a bunch of things I'm tired of, wall art and books that don't need to be at hand and lots of other things that just exist in my house without real need. I never thought I'd have enough stuff for a yard sale but I think I'm close and there's a great appeal in emptying out and starting over. I'm rearranging all the pictures and putting up a lot of new ones we've taken over the summer. I bought a new printer a few weeks ago to print resumes and make copies as needed for jobs and it prints beautiful photos too so I'm putting them up in the house. It's good for the morale to have a new clean looking space, it's helping me clear my brain.

I'm also feeling positive about our new debt free status. Matt's parents made him a very generous present and we're officially in the financial clear. It makes our budget living much more doable, perhaps there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel but it's not particularly dark either. I feel safer knowing the status quo, particularly as we're raising our pet spending. I made the mistake of googling the contents of our puppy food and now he's starting a fancy expensive natural food. Supposedly the critters eat less of the good food than they did of the less good food to get the same nutrients so it should even out. The cat will be switching too, once she's done her ginormous bucket of crunchies. I never realized how little she eats until we got the puppy. She is also much shorter than I ever realized, and lighter...I never thought I'd think of her as tiny.

"You're an embarrassment to Nature. Ya know that?"

One hundred and twenty dollars later we have water. The well line froze wednesday and Matt stayed home so we could spend all day swearing and running hot water through the pressure washer. We finally got it flowing and left it dripping ( I absolutely swear I left it on) and this morning it froze again. Matt was already at work this time so he called in his dad and brother to hook me up. They just left and the water is once again flowing. I've left two taps running this time so the well will probably be dry before it has time to freeze again. I have a few things to clean up downstairs from the great well line debacle and then I'm going to take a nap. Puppy and I are both beat from today's activities and we're both starting our afternoon naps. Gosh, how many times have I posted that lately?

Calm, assertive, terrified he's going to choke himself

When we brought puppy home we were so unprepared we had to stop at walmart for puppy supplies with the new puppy drooling and freaked and waiting in the car. If you think you're going to visit an adorable puppy and not come home with that puppy, you are crazy. So for heaven's sake do yourself a favor and ask the breeder what kind of food they're eating before hand...you can always take it back. We were unprepared in other ways too so I ordered the first season of the dog whisperer on netflix and we waited to be enlightened. I got the first disc and there were a lot of episodes and pretty much they're all the same. Not that I wasn't touched by that snarling chihuahua in the first story...the one with the inexplicably large dog penis...that was very touching. They're all touching but pretty much the same, be calm and assertive and lead the pack and teach with the neck strap thing.

We're only having a few problems, pretty much barking at the kitty which causes hissing from the kitty and then more barking. I'm anxious to get this problem solved before he's big enough to get at all her high ground safe spots and also so she can have a normal life again...sort of. Since he's still a baby I had hoped we could correct the behavior with distraction and word commands. The word commands have actually started to work, but only after the problem occurs and really I'd like it to not happen at all. He's already doubled in size and yesterday he jumped at her when she was in my arms...so today we're trying out the leash thing.

I turned his leash around and he's wearing it above his collar. We have still had some barking but it's really been much better than the other mornings. We had morning treats almost right next to each other and there was no fighting. The peanut gallery has been telling Matt that she has to assert her dominance and blah blah and it's not that I think they're wrong but she's a quarter of his size now and he needs to learn to ignore her before it's a huge problem and not just annoying. When he learns to ignore her properly then I'll pull out the spray bottle and teach her about hissing at the puppy. I have seen them peaceful together enough times to believe that it's possible for them to co-exist with the right boundaries. But seriously, I'm not watching any more dog whisperer, can't take anymore...

Urban Legend

I love buying dog toys. I liked buying the little sheep so much that I bought a larger sheep to be his friend. His, uhh, very close friend. I'm trying not to be a dog spoiler, I've only bought him a few toys but we got several as gifts and he is drowning in things to kill. However, I think we really need one of these...probably the jackalope but they're all fun.

I just finished watching the PBS special about Fat from a few years ago. I really liked it. It wasn't all "lose the weight or the fat will kill you", it was very balanced I thought. I feel like I sometimes get stuck in these ruts like "life doesn't start until you're skinny" or "if you didn't eat that one thing you'd be thinner now". I thought things would be easier with no job and tons of time and I never really considered that I wouldn't make losing weight my number one priority. I have had other priorities and that's ok, I don't have to be on a seek and destroy mission 24 hours a day because that isn't something I can keep up forever.

I've been getting a lot of compliments lately, about how I've lost so much weight. I have gained since my last birthday and that's been really upsetting me...how much time I've lost. That's what it feels like, time lost. It's been a very big year in my life and all I can think about is how much I weigh. Do I want to be remembered for trying to lose weight my whole life or for something more important. Sometimes I do think that there is nothing more important and sometimes I come to my freakin' senses and realize there is more to life than that.

Knox is really helping me with getting more out of my life. I have more to think about than what I'm eating for lunch and I have a better reason for getting out every day. We watched a Nature documentary about dogs last night and I feel even more passionate about developing his little furry life. We're making play dates and taking classes and deepening our commitment to each other. Puppy doesn't care about how fat I am as long as I keep up with him and I can so why am I feeling so down. I honestly feel that if I didn't worry so much about what I'm not supposed to eat and concentrated on the things I can do my life would be better. I don't know if I can turn it off, the thing in your head that tells you no and yes at the same time but I'm going to try. I'm going to concentrate on living for awhile. There seems no value in telling yourself you're going to have a good day and then one thing goes wrong and you decide it's a bad day and you start over again. I've done it long enough so I'm just going to take myself off that track for awhile. We're going to run and hike and have fun and move on and see what happens. I'm taking a vacation from my brain and food. Wish me luck!

wash day

Everybody got baths today. Knox took it much better than the Chairman, he can be bought with treats but she has no price. I love how skinny her legs are, I forget it's just the fur that makes her look like a tank.

"a skirt that goes down to the floor" "I bet that skirt's been down to the floor"

Today I had my first interview since I got laid off. I hadn't thought about that until I got the call last night. Last night for a this morning interview...but then you can't say no to a nun. It could be a fun job, a fun oh my god is this hard job but a fun job none the less. I called my sister after "the call" and asked her what you wear to see a nun and she said "a skirt, a skirt that is below the knee". So I wore a wool skirt and my kick ass boots and she said I present myself very well. She's a very kind nun, definitely the sort of nun you can work for. I was really apprehensive about going but it turned out to be really good for my self esteem. I should get dressed up and go scouting for compliments more often.

Exercise here has been sort of hard lately. Puppy is terrified of the road and the snow is now too deep for us to hike. I suppose we'd both get plenty of exercise going about fifteen feet but it might break both our spirits. The snow is so deep and fluffy that he just sort of paddles through it. Which is amusing but also sad. He runs up and down the solid plowed banks but if he falls into the soft snow he's stranded. Matt has had to haul him out a few times, it's like fishing for puppies.

Everyone is sleeping and I feel like I should be using my time better but everything I would do is so loud and I think we all really need a nap. I should probably take a nap too, take advantage of the quiet time. Actually that sounds awesome, peace out.

"I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

The animals are sleeping within 4 feet of each other, thanks mr. obama! Things are very slowly getting back to normal at home, for which I am grateful because the left half of my face is still numb FOUR hours after my dentist appointment. FOUR HOURS LATER. The dentist highly recommended I stick to a liquid diet until full feeling returned and since he is the dentist that provided the most thorough numbing sensation I have ever not felt I trust his recommendation completely. I have been sticking to soda and tea and I'm running out of liquids which provide nourishment sans chewing and I'm starving. The screwed up blood sugar could be the reason for all the capitalization.

I'm rocking the same weight which I should find as a success because the last two weeks have been a little crazy plan wise. Crazy as in there have been no plans at all really. Like today, I've known I was going to the dentist this morning to have drilling and such done for two months and yet I made no plans for soft foods or the like...so instead I had about three days worth of calories in soda and sweet tea...make that a day and a half...you miss your mouth a lot when it's tingly and missing.

"that's what she said"

I would like to announce to the world a very important discovery I made yesterday, doing pilates on a hardwood floor SUCKS and then you die. I died yesterday of hardwood floor pilates. My spine is maimed, permanently. And I couldn't watch the inauguration because I don't have tv so we listened to npr and it was awesome and I totally loved michelle's gloves. That's the best observation I can make that won't cause tears. Seriously, they cut to a group in chicago singing "this little light of mine" and I couldn't stop crying. It's tomorrow now and I still want to cry thinking about it. If I didn't have a puppy trying to eat my toes right now I'd probably be in a ball in the corner. All I can think about is how there were no tomatoes being thrown or newly inaugurated presidents getting into their bullet proof cars during the traditional walk and speeding off to the white house like a kid who lost his ball. I feel so much better already just having heard the ex-presidential helicopter flutter away into the distance. That was the best thing I ever heard on the radio.

"Everybody stop getting shot"

You know, it's a wonderful thing to wake up to take the puppy out and see that it is 13 degrees and not -13 degrees. Last week we'd spend all morning looking forward to the noon high, 6 degrees...8 degrees and then watch it dip back to -20 by dinner. This whole above zero thing is a welcome relief. I don't feel cold at all now when I go out side, this is a tropical vacation in my brain. Of course, in exchange for the warmth we have received also the snow. Oh my god the snow.



All year when it rains here everyone says "just think if that were snow it would be 50 feet" well, if this were rain we'd be gathering two of every animal. As you can see, the snow is now deeper than the puppy and he's not so sure about it.

Our meal budgets are going so well we've decided to get a new tv in the oh my god circuit city is closing sales, no not really. I imagine I'll prove too cheap to actually buy one, but we have been talking about it for awhile. Clearly we don't need one, but it seems like the time to check them out. We're thinking about setting up a downstairs exercise area using the old tv, somewhere the pupster won't eat my pilates mat. You see how it's a positive tv purchase rather than a sit on your butt tv purchase. It's a tv purchase for good instead of evil, obviously.

"brick by brick she's building a madhouse"

oh, coupons indeed. coupons can be great until you find yourself saving bundles on things you'll never use and didn't need in the first place. I do use coupons but I have a rule to only ever clip them for something I would normally pay full price for. Everything suggested are things we, being I, already do. I stock, I do tons of home made and we don't usually throw anything away (except for today because I made some refried beans a while back and I burned them something awful and I was forcing myself to eat them even though beans only cost 52 cents a bag but holyshit are they gross and I needn't suffer for 52 cents a bag so in the trash they went).

I'm not really worried about the 50 dollars a week. I know I can do it because I have done it many many weeks in a row. I'm simply nervous because I've never been so broke that I couldn't have some leeway with food. We're not so poor that I can't stock up on things or buy organic milk and yogurt, we're just practicing economy. I made a list of the costs of our meals and there are quite a few that come in under the dollar twenty I got from my equation freeing up some money for fancy expensive meals, maybe even two dollars.

I'm trying to school Matt about the food budget because it's never been his money before and he seems to think I can do everything I've been doing and spend less. We spend almost ten dollars a week on ice cream and butter and juice, all things Matt's need that Amy's don't and I could spend less on generic and margarine but when I suggest it he says, no. So, there's a lot of schooling to do. Not to say that we don't do generic, it's not about the generic because we do buy a lot of generic and he was raised on generic and powdered milk and margarine. He's not being a snob, he has crohn's and some foods make him feel better than others and it's certainly cheaper to be healthy and eat healthier food than to pay for doctors. I just have to lay things out carefully. If we want two gallons of ice cream and real butter we will have more meals with ground beef instead of steak and more chicken thighs instead of breast.

It means nothing to me because I don't eat any of that food, except for the butter. Most of my meals are already under the $1.20 per person per meal, because they're vegetarian. Little does Matt know he will be eating more vegetarian dinners for the sake of his ice cream. Life is full of sacrifices. I'm actually rather glad I wrote about this. I was feeling really nervous about the money, oh my god that's not enough!!! but when I looked up the costs of most of our foods and did the math it's really no problem at all. I'm so glad I did the research, I feel so much more calm.

money isn't everything until you don't have any

Matt and I made a decision in December to start living off his paycheck in January even though I'm still getting unemployment benefits. It has become apparent that a new job won't be easy to come by and it will be good for us to practice living within the means we will have when my unemployment runs out. It is very, very tight, but not un-doable. We wrote down everything, as you do, the fixed monthly bills, the monthly amounts of yearly bills, budgeted amounts for the unfixed bills. Pretty much that last one is food, for people and pets, and sundry items from walmart or target.

Obviously the puppy adds to our budget, food, toys, grooming supplies...he and the meow have to get by with 20 dollars a month each. Vet bills aren't included so this will be an out of savings issue once my benefits run out. There is no allotment for clothing so I can't change sizes at all, not that this is terribly likely, until I get a new job. There will be no new movies or books purchased, which is what the library is for anyway. I'm really fine with all of this, up to here. I've lived with tighter budgets while actually working so at least I have time to cook and garden and the possibility for paying work to improve things.

The part that worries me is the grocery section of the budget. I've always tried to spend around 50 dollars a week, which is what we've budgeted for the present. The difference is that in the past if there was a sale or something to stock up on, I did it with no problem because I really did have the money. Now, for all practical purposes I do not have the money. Stocking up is what makes it possible to live off of 50 a week for two people for three meals a day for seven days. I have staples and a full freezer and so the 50 bucks goes mostly for milk, eggs, juice sort of things...and produce.

It's very close as it is and Matt would like me to fit things like garbage bags and toilet paper in to the 50 dollars a week. I'm a little worried about that. With no paper towels or the like, 50 divided by two by 7 by 3 is about one dollar and nineteen cents per meal. That's cheap. Really, really cheap. Possibly cheaper than I am capable of being and if we do need toilet paper that week it might be what we're eating for dinner two nights a week. I'm a little worried about it but Matt isn't because he doesn't do the grocery shopping. Although last night he ran out of ice cream and it's not in the budget to buy more because he asked me to get some vacuum bags this week. Maybe it will be a practical lesson in home economics for him and I'll get 10 dollars more for charmin.

"Oh my god, we've been robbed!"

We really must sort this out before puppy is big enough to a. rest his head on the table or b. eat her in one bite. The meow has hardly set paw on the floor this week. She spends all of her time on the table, or the breakfast bar watching the puppy bark at her. The vet wasn't responsive to my suggestion of pet prozac, maybe you have to work on being friends for more than one week before you get narcotics. Shame.

As per being robbed, everything we own is in the garage. Well, most everything. We have moved all the things we care about that puppies can destroy to safer location. Books, dvd's, some furniture...there isn't much we care about but it is easier to move them than to be upset about their destruction, plus the space! Our living room has been getting smaller and smaller since we moved in and it's nice to put some things away. I don't need every book I had in college at my fingertips and Matt doesn't need his smelly, dusty 1954 encyclopedias next to the couch...not that I hate them with all my being or anything. I would love a clean empty house if I didn't also love things so much. Life is so hard.

Speaking of things that are hard, I did my fancy job test thing today. It was painful. Not the test, the process. An hour we sat there doing nothing while mr. how did I get this job tried to find papers and maps and pencils. We sat for another half hour and then the test was half an hour. Half an hour for 28 questions. I sat for 15 minutes waiting for the time to run out and the people on both sides of me didn't finish. But it doesn't matter because you ONLY HAVE TO GET 10 RIGHT! That's a 32 percent average. I know for a fact that I got every single question right, so I better get a frickin' offer.

"it's not a prison, it's just a country"

I love January in blogland. So many new faces, inspiring and supporting each other...the humanity. It's always a gamble as to how many will stick it out but I'm hoping for the best. We all hope for the best and work for the best, why not be positive about all the new comers. I'm working on positive, positive is the word of the day, or the week or whatever. I'm going to be positive about the fact that my diet is better than ever but I'm slowing gaining, I'm going to be positive about the puppy trying to eat the floor, I'm going to be positive about this job thing I'm doing on wednesday. It's governmenty and temporary, but lucrative and fun sounding. Matt and I did the budget thing this weekend and yes, we can totally survive on his pay even with a puppy that eats the floor but it will be no fun at all. Better than death and plague but not something to look forward to. I must step up the job thing even if it's a crappy job. Sigh.

songs I run to that make my friends cry, volume two

The first list was so popular, what with the mocking, that I decided to up the ante. These songs are, if possible, even more loathsome than the first set and yes I love them even more. It's simply shocking that no one wants to run with me except my dog.

Sweet Child of Mine

it's getting Hot in Herre so take of all your fur...

Crazy

David Duchovny

# 41

"Don't worry. I made bail."

Today I applied for a job, i ordered a pair of expensive boots to keep my paws dry when I take the pup out for tuckeration, I made some red velvet cupcakes and I weighed in at my previous low weight (thank christ). I didn't tucker the pup enough though because he's finally paying back the kitty for all her hissing his first day home...he will not stop barking at her. Without provocation even, so rude. We seem to have gotten the chewing under control. All of my favorite things are covered in towels because he seems to like that nasty spray. It looks crazy in here. I'm moving all the books and things I can't hide or cover and soon we'll be stuck with a spoon and two magnets on the fridge. What can you do.

Clearly I need to keep him outside for longer, which will be good for both of us...thus the boots. I went with a pair of sorel's, what do you think? I'm hoping they're as waterproof as they say because I've soaked through my plain old leather boots every day this week. I looked at Bogs too, which are definitely waterproof but stylin' in a different way and a few of the reviews said they're too warm over 40 degrees. I wanted something waterproof to go from winter snow to spring mud but I might just pick up some of those cheapie plastic rainboots for the spring. Something you can ride hard and put away wet, because they're so damn cheap you just don't care. Footwear opinions desperately sought.

Nothing is really new in this new year. I don't feel any different knowing it's 2009. I'm trying to get an action plan together with some goals and all that and I need to work harder on it. Cooking and cleaning takes a lot of time but I don't think my house is any cleaner or the food any better than when I had a job so what the fark am I doing with my extra hours? I hate the feeling that time is being wasted away, hours and days and weeks of my life with nothing to show for it. Today, in addition to my list above, I made several important phone calls about paperwork things that need to be settled. Accounts I need to close and meetings I need to set up. Matt found me a master gardener's class to take this winter and he's been asking me every day did I call. I finally remembered and they're sending me an application. I still feel sort of in a holding pattern because a lot of these things don't start until spring, particularly the gardening.

Gardening isn't something that comes naturally to me, not really, but it's one of the things we're going to do to offset my joblessness. One, we can grow a lot of our own food and that will save money and be yummy, and two if there's enough excess of the right quality we'll join the farmer's market and sell it. We've ordered about twenty new trees for the orchard too but that's sort of a long term plan. We'll be planting cherries and pears, peaches and some black walnuts too. There's something else but I just don't remember. I'd like to add some blueberries...indestructable bastards that they are...but I'm not sure where I want them and they can be difficult to relocate. You leave a snip of root in the earth and you'll have a full crop next year...tasty though.

"Quick, it's a big hairy one"

Right now everyone is happy and purring or chewing rawhide or blogging, it's a good day. I had another low weigh in today which is awesome. Last night Matt had a bowl of ice cream and I was so close to joining him until I remembered that hey, today was lower than yesterday and I really don't want that ice cream anymore. It was a good feeling, the almost like how a normal person might feel about food feeling. That feeling, that not eating something I don't need is better than eating something I don't need feeling, is a turning point and I know it. I'm really happy to have something in my life right now that isn't about food or exercising or dieting, just living.

The pupcake keeps me busy focusing on things that aren't important, like what's for lunch or how I don't have a job. It's all about watching him be happy, and playing and keeping him safe. I know he's not a baby in the sense of being a human baby but it's still a life changing experience watching him explore the world and learn things and be so happy to see me. That's really the best part of this puppy thing, the so happy to see me part. When he falls asleep the first thing he does when he wakes up is look for me, if he can't see me he comes to find me and then we cuddle. My soon to be 100 pound dog is going to be a sissy mama's boy and I love it!

We went to visit the puppies thinking we'd leave a deposit and come back next week. The whole way there all I could think of was whether this was a mistake or not. When we got there and met them and met his parents and his breeders we fell in love. I know this is going to make me sound like a crazy person but the pup's mother's name is Aurora...my mother's name. Call me nuts but I think that was a sign that this was the right thing to do and so far it feels right too.

"You work for a gaping asshole"

Today I had an unexpected lowest since before christmas weight of 181. All that chasing the puppy and being too busy to eat has been good for me. Tomorrow I have the second of my required unemployment meetings, which I'm looking forward to. At least now I know it won't be an inquisition. They know there's nothing around and they really are just trying to help, even if it isn't all that helpful to me they do mean well. That's my positiviry for the day, otherwise I'm frickin' tired.

I called Holly to tell her about the puppy and she said "it's going to be so much work" and it is but it's not awful. He's the best puppy ever, she says after two whole days, but really he is. There have been no accidents, he learned how to climb the stairs in a day and we're working on down the stairs and he's getting very good at sitting. We play and sleep all day and it's just getting better. Yesterday, when I was wheeling him around Petco because he was afraid of the doors, he was the sweetest baby ever and everyone loved him. He was nice to everyone who said hello and interested in all the dogs. When he gets better at walking on a leash we'll go again and sniff all the dogs, won't that be a day to remember!

dudes

My sister just told me that one of the jolie-pitt babies is named Knox. No one else has mentioned this and I had no idea. Is this a reason to change his name???

Still life with puppy

This is the pupcake awake. Cuddling with bob the dog. We've had a pretty good day so far, interspecies relations aren't going too badly, no one's bleeding, and puppy is having a well deserved nap.
Sleeping is his favorite, at least today. Nobody slept much last night and everyone's having a nap right now, except me and Matt...poor frail humans.


The chairman, you see, doesn't think much of the proceedings and has kept to high ground, not that I can blame her.

Today was a big day, we drove out to petco for hard to find puppy food and an insane amount of toys. There is simply no point in scrimping on toys, tiny things to gnaw on is imperative to chewing redirection...which is why I spent 96 dollars at the pet store. That and treats. Can't train without treats and we're already working on sit. Actually he sort of came with sit, it was one of the product features, but making him sit for us is a bit different. He's done it three times today with tasty marrobone treats to follow, he's puddy in my hands.

the general and the dictator

Meet the newest member of our family, Knox.

Likes long walks in the park, sheep.

I have been mia because I have spent every breathing moment the last few days on petfinder.com. We're dog shopping. Well, I'm dog shopping and Matt is saying "oh, he's cute" when prompted. Matt was planning to get me a puppy for my birthday but it didn't work out, so he got me the first season of the wire instead. Fair. We've been looking since my birthday when we had the revelation that this is a great time to get a dog, when I have unlimited time to work with him or her. There is a puppy I am going to visit today at the humane society and there is a dog in tennessee I have inquired about. His name is Sarge and I love his soft eyes and the fact that he is eating a sheep in the picture. He's one of the underground fur road pets that are moved up north from southern kill shelters. The stories will kill you with their sadness, if you don't want to end up with 15 dogs don't read their bios...it's like a movie of the week in your living room.

I'm very excited about the new member of our fur family. It'll be nice to have a non-judgemental jogging partner. I'm considering him/her our newest piece of exercise equipment. If you don't use your treadmill it won't pee all over your floor. Is that positive or negative reinforcement of the humans? Anyway, I'm really looking forward to having a furry buddy. Meow just won't jog with me, won't even wake up from her nap when I ask her...lazy.

"Get a dog" was actually on a list of things to improve your health in the new year I saw some where, which I feel really conflicted about. It's great to have and love a dog but it's not like picking up a case of slim fast. Having a dog is great for your overall health for all kinds of reasons but it's not a quick fix or for people who don't have the right life style. I think linking pet ownership with the short lived new years dieting and health frenzy is despicable. More dogs with half-hearted owners who mistreat them and dump them 6 months later. Aaargh to that.

"Quiet, you'll miss the humorous conclusion"

Starting the post-Christmas welcome to the rest of your life at 182.6 pounds. It's not as bad as I would have thought after eating for four days straight. I'm totally tired of food. I'm trying not to think of this "period" of healthy eating as a "diet" but sheesh, who am I kidding. On a diet all you can think of is cheating so I really don't want to be on a diet in that sense. I just want to eat better through out the day. I started a few weeks before christmas a regimen of having the same breakfast every day. I'm going to do that with lunch too. It's so easy and there's no thinking involved. I'm not doing a proper south beach diet, but I'm cutting out everything unnecessary or over the top. I'm keeping my teaspoon of sugar in my tea and I'm cutting out the halloween and christmas candy, which seems fair and reasonable. If I have a sweet craving I go directly for tea, which is a good appetite suppressant too because your tummy feels all warm and full and it's only 15 calories.

I'm blogging the actual numbers again because I need the record. it's so much easier to chart things when you write them down for real. I've never once remembered anything I thought "I'll remember that" about so why fight it. I didn't record weight or exercise or anything at all this year and I gained about ten unrelentless pounds. Clearly the laissez faire doesn't work. I need structure and regular beatings to get anything accomplished, that's just the way it is and I must accept it. C'est la vie.

"I've been sane for a while now..."

Yesterday I drove up to Bar Harbor to see my friends and their very tiny new baby. We had about two feet of snow on sunday and it was too much for the philadelphia contingent because they were very worried I wouldn't make it to the house...Oh, how novel! I did pick up some stranded folks on my way there. A couple plowing out their friend got stuck between no and where and they flagged me down. They'd been waiting an hour and a half for a car to go by, which I totally believe, and even though picking up strangers on lonely snow covered roads is usually too Stephen King to contemplate, I'd feel damn lucky if someone was nice enough to help me on that road. Ironically it was the same couple from the summer, the woman with the pug that jumped into my car and they told me a good story about some of their neighbors. There's always been this sort of weird house with a cross on it on the road to home. Is that a house that's a church or a church that's a house? There are always half broken wheel chairs and fire wood for sale and i always wonder if it's the home of a faith healer that makes it's fortune off the crutches and chairs of the newly healed. Apparently not, which is disappointing. The real story is that the city had come to cut down a tree and the invalid owner chained himself to the tree shouting "I pay taxes!" to keep the city from chopping it. They arrested him and cut the tree while he was in jail and when he got out he vowed to never pay taxes again...so he got himself ordained as a minister. Apparently he got to keep the firewood too, so that seems fair.

Today is D day as far as Christmas preparations go. I have to bake some pies and wrap some presents and I have to scour my house from top to bottom. Fortunately I don't have to sew a thing because I'm completely over the sewing. Which is appropriate since I just spent so much at JoAnn's for new material. Ironical. The Macbook cover went over very well, pictures below. I love the old school apple design. I only have to make 800 of these to use up the 7 yards of rainbow fabric I have.





These are the result of franticly googling "homemade baby gifts". Every single site suggested a fleece blanket which is what I was trying to make but my sewing machine is cranky with me. They're supposed to be bathtub crayons...homemade....and they double as soap! What kid doesn't want soap??? They look cute anyway and I had all the materials on hand. ***If you googled homemade baby gifts and got to this page, make the bath crayons...you can put a bar of soap in the blender and melt it with some food coloring and you're good, it's the way to go.***

"You can't just go shooting down light aircraft with hand guns"

Matt just informed me that he is preparing to weld something 6 inches from a gas line. Probably he wouldn't have told me if I hadn't been downstairs and probably that would have been better than waiting for the explosion. Obviously it's a good time to blog. It's been cold as hell here and discouraging to the exercising. I know I've mentioned it before but it's really important for me to have excellent music to get my ass out the door in 6 degree weather. Here is my latest list of favorite songs for running in the deep dark north.

Ready to go
Can't Stop
Vertigo
Pon de Replay
Take me out
Last Smile
Your Song
One girl revolution
Let's get it started
Breathless

I don't even want to talk about number ten, my mother loved the corrs.

fabric junkie

Today I had wheels of my own for the first time in two weeks. It was awesome. I went to the fabric store and super walmart and to bed bath and beyond to use up a giftcard from last christmas before I get yet another one next week. I went crazy with my five dollars and bought myself a chop and scoop cutting board, not to be confused with the chop and scoop chopper (FYI). It was surprisingly hard to choose a five dollar something just for fun, I mean as much fun as you can get out of a cutting board. I almost bought a set of little steel prep bowls for 4 dollars but then I'd have to find a one dollar item and it just seemed too hard. I didn't have any trouble spending at the fabric store though, damn it's expensive to be a crafty house wife.

It was a harrowing experience too. Apparently no matter how long you stand in line at the cutting station if you don't have an actual number from the broken number machine they will not serve you. Harsh. A nice lady in the check out line gave me some coupons though so yay. My fifty dollars of fabric should have cost me tons and tons more apparently. I guess I need some more fabric store experience to up my thread cred. Hehehe. For the record I am done with pot holders and on to one more quilt and some Mac book cozies and some napkins. I'm taking a lot of pleasure in thinking up kitchen gifts for the girlfriend who doesn't cook. I'm a mean, mean girl.

In relevant news, I've lost two pounds this week. I was debating the south beach thing but it seems cruel and unusual to start the week before christmas so I'm just skirting the beach. I'm in the parking lot, if you will. Every day I can run I'm running and tonight I'm setting my bike up on it's indoor training thingy. Matt keeps saying he's going to do it for me but I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. I should just ask him to do it because of the two of us he's the one who gets things done. Although, I am impressing his socks off with all my christmas sewing. He keeps saying he wishes he could put some stitches in himself but it's not really his forte. He can do his part by setting up my bike and keeping me out of friggin' JoAnn's. I can't go in there alone again, at least not until I get a job.

"I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three."

I made like six pot holders today. If I was working in a real sweatshop I'd totally be fired because I'm slow as all hell at sewing. Or maybe it's the cutting. Or the planning. I don't know which but some part of the pot holder process is slowing production. The by the hour cost of these pot holders is huge, if you look at it that way I'm giving all my nearest and dearest very pricey christmas presents. Just for the record.

I read mysteries. Gory, violent, and usually British. I love a good murder. One of the things every member of my family has in common is a love of mystery stories, that and food obviously. On my sister’s last visit from Prague she brought me a huge box of chick lit, a move I still haven’t figured out. Anyway, of the books in the box every cover has a pair of shoes and a cupcake and while I totally respect a persons right to read and relax with that sort of book I just can’t do it myself. It’s not that I don’t like sex, shoes and chocolate, I do…It's just that actual sex and shoe buying is more relaxing. When I’m asked to consider a book in that genre I usually decline because I know I’m not an unbiased reader and it doesn’t seem fair. The publishers of “Two Weeks Under” by Rivka Tadjer sent me a selection and a picture of the cover and lo, no cupcake and no shoes and a very familiar set up.

I don’t think I give anything away by showing this book to be a mystery. If it was an average feel good story about an overweight girl in the city there would be a cat and a best friend in on the secret. The secret, that only we the readers know, is that our would be heroine has made a very big decision to under go a serious procedure for vanity weight loss. A procedure that was essentially effective however unexpected the end result.

The procedure is a medically induced coma that reduces the patient’s weight. In my heart I feel like this should be a shocking revelation regarding the direction of healthcare in America but in my head I wonder if it’s not the next new thing. The only downside I see for the weight loss industry is that the thing actually works. Except for the pesky mysterious deaths the idea is awesome and with only the slightest suspension of reality.

On my first reading the thing that struck me about the characters was their weight, or lack there of. They’re not very overweight, just above normal on the BMI. They’re all skinnier than I am in their beleaguered pre-coma bodies. On my first reading it pissed me off how skinny they were and how they spent so much money to lose enough weight to hardly exist. That would be where Rivka grabs you and whoops your ass with the truth we all live. There’s no such thing as normal and there’s no rule about who’s allowed to be happy with their bodies and who’s not. The writer calls these comas "vanity comas" and bless her for being honest about all the things we do for our "health".

In the lives of the women in this book, women with good jobs and expensive apartments, weight is still an issue…still the issue. The money spent and risks taken by these women to achieve their metamorphosis is the same as every woman who buys diet pills or signs up for Jenny Craig but on a different scale. My first reaction to the women in this book is that they weren’t relatable but I was wrong, I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t use every advantage to have a body she felt good about.

Rivka Tadjer has written a book for every woman who wonders about her true potential and she did it in a way that didn’t need the amusing embarrassing moment or the binge fest over the handsome man from the foreign office. But maybe I’m just a sucker for a good mystery.

How cold is too cold to run?

Take my advice and never google this phrase. The truth is that I only googled it so I could find a good excuse not to go running this morning. The temperature was 4 when I started my googling and now it's 6 so what's to complain about. 6 whole degrees! It was so much better when I didn't know what temperature it was out, I'd just bully myself into going and then cut off my toes when I got back, simple and efficient. Anyway the answers I got ranged from "it's never too cold, put on some clothes" and "if you can see your breath it's too cold". If you can see your breath, damn, I'd only be able to leave my house like 3 months a year if I abided that rule. So, I'm getting dressed because I should consider it lucky that the road isn't covered in ice/snow and that it's not precipitating in any manner and you know I'll be grumpy when it's snowing and I'm stuck inside and no one likes a whiny blogger. I'm gonna get dressed slowly though, hold out for 7 degrees.

I'm also going to stall by blogging about the show yesterday. FIVE DIFFERENT WREATH MAKERS! I pulled up to the door and there was a jeep unloading the world's largest supply of ugly ass balsam wreaths. I was feeling a little guilty about not having made any balsam wreaths and that stupid jeep filled me with relief. I'm so glad I didn't waste my time doing any more friggin' balsams, the only things we brought home were balsam. By the looks of the packing up none of the other balsam sellers had luck either. We made enough to cover costs but it was by no means a good craft fair, the ladies next to us sold exactly one hat and yet another wreath maker was on his cell phone as we packed up saying "I had such nice wreaths for sale". Charlene heard more and said he sounded really depressed but most of his wreaths had american flags on them and maybe this isn't the right timing for a patriotic christmas. One of the groups selling wreaths was extremely, uhm, in need of a bath and every time we made a sale they'd come over and ask how sales were. "Dude, isn't it sort of obvious", not really, I'd say "great" with a big smile and he'd go back to his table and sneer. I'm sure there's a market for giant angels glued to wreaths but apparently not in ellsworth.

Hey, that paragraph got me two whole degrees! Wish me no frostbite!

"a thin line between hell and here"

I had a very nice birthday. The power was out all day so I had two naps, Matt took me to the thai place that serves rice in the shape of teddy bears which was brilliant on his part and we went to the fabric store. He found pink boxes and wrapped my presents in hello kitty paper, so I'm a very happy girl. We have a show tomorrow and I have to make just about every piece today with ice covered greens. Extremely unbrilliant on my part. And I have a book to review which I've read three times for professionalism's sake. More on that monday. If I can get my act together.

"Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.'

This is what I've been doing. When Matt's grandma died his mom let me have a lot of her sewing things and some dishes and some retro print sheets. I saved the sheets especially for this quilt to be a christmas present for his mom. It's a small quilt, just something for the couch, but I'm having fun making it. Because the fabric is used the quilt is very soft and I can't keep the meow off. I hope his mom likes it as much as the fur does.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm feeling really weird about it. It was around this time last year that things started to unravel and I feel like I'm just getting things raveled. As raveled as one can be when you have no job and no prospects and also you broke your car exactly three days after your boyfriend finally fixed it for you. I slid on some ice coming home from home and I was fine it was just that I hit an embankment going very, very slowly and I bent some part that isn't meant to ever be replaced because apparently you can't buy that part on planet earth. And I felt better when I wasn't thinking about my car up on jacks in the garage. Better to think about quilts and cookie baking and frontier housewifery. And maybe prozac.

Next week if my car is working I'm going to see the unemployment man because I need help and it's good if they see how insane this is and god help him if he tells me to get an email account as the solution to my problems. But I've been thinking about job training and I wonder if the have one of those tests that tells you what you're supposed to do with yourself. Or maybe they make you play the game of life and just go with whatever card you get. I'm thinking about hairdresser school. If I go into color application at least I can be high all day.

"Of course it blows, it's a horn."

The other day I went out to buy some socks. I want to start the story there because I want the innocence of the errand to have center stage for about eight seconds. So, I was shopping for socks and I bought the socks and I took the socks to the car and we started to drive home, me and my socks. It was then that a very old man and his wife started to drive into my car. I beeped at them. It was intended to be a short, polite, you’re trying to kill us beep. The intention was there, I fully intended to beep briefly. Only the car didn’t so much agree and the beeping wouldn’t stop. Which was really fun when I drove by the old folks shaking their fists at me.

If they teach you what to do when your horn won’t stop horning in driver’s ed I completely forgot. I tried hitting it, you know, vigorously and at the stop light I tried turning the car off. Twice. And then I merged on to the highway. Probably I could have pulled over and been a spectacle but why do that when you can be a spectacle all over town…so I drove home. I didn’t have any tools or, like, a clue so I just kept driving.

The highway wasn’t so bad, the speed and the noise seemed to help with the beeping. It was the back roads filled with staring pedestrians and dog walkers that were the most fun. I’m not sure my flailing and the “it’s not me, I swear” face I was making convinced anyone that I wasn’t crazy. Two giant suv’s pulled over in a hurry like I was an ambulance and one child cried. No, not really but I think crying children add a level of drama, very Lord of the Rings.

So, the whole time I was driving home I was on the phone with Matt discussing various ways to make the noise stop. Pull the fuse, disconnect the battery, sledgehammer. I thought about warning my dad with a phone call but that would ruin the heart arythmia causing surprise when I pulled up with a blaring horn (like I got a bagpiper stuck in my grill: see tweet). I got home to my thank god it’s empty neighborhood and opened the hood. And you know, way louder when you’re out of the car with the hood up.

It’s really hard to concentrate with a noise like that but we finally got the batter disconnected and in the quiet pulled the fuse and we never had to use the sledgehammer. And I tried so hard to be invisible in my dad’s neighborhood. Fail.

"We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker"

Yesterday I had a "re-interview and workshop" regarding my unemployment benefits. I was extremely freaked out about it but it turned out to be as big a waste of time as any workshop I've ever been to and not at all scary. There were at least three people who interjected useless things about every three minutes and one asking the world's stupidest questions every two minutes so it was exactly like every other workshop I've ever been to. "What website are all these jobs on?" "This is the website." "But what is it linked to, these jobs are on a website" 'This is the website, these jobs are on this website" "But what does it link to". It was awful. Four hours of the importance of having a resume and creating your own email account. It was a waste of time except for about 10 minutes when they discussed self employment and job training. I could be a plumber and kill two birds with one stone.

I am going to talk to them about self employment and essentially beg for help. There was a very long discussion about survival jobs....the jobs people have while they're looking for the jobs they want. I've had survival jobs since I stepped foot in Maine and the one I thought would change all that made me miserable and unemployed. I've been job searching for five years and I'm tired of it. There's nothing here to be found. I'm beginning to think it's time for a big change. I'm going to see what options I have with the career counselor folk who are clearly desperate to get us all back to work and out of their hair. I'm running out of options and discussion of my moving went very badly not that I expected different. Things at the moment stink and I'm seeing very few ways out.

"mr. billowy coat king of pain"

So I was about to do my nablopomo post and hey, it's december. I don't have to post. But I am, aren't I virtuous. It's a very nice 50 degrees here today and it was very good running weather. I should have had a great run but instead I got halfway, cut my feet off and limped home on bloody stubs. Or is it stumps. Never can remember. Anyway, yeah, standing all day sucks. I've forgotten what that was like having been a chair bitch lo these many months. Now I'm whining and cooking, busy busy. I have a big day tomorrow full of haircuts and wreath deliveries and the ever exciting grocery shopping. Must get a life if I'm to continue blogging, I'm boring myself to tears.

"Charlene, I think you're special..."

There was a very sweet, very christian girl selling personalized children's music cd's in the booth across from us at the fair. It was sort of awesome/horrible but she was super adorable so I can almost forgive the fact that I will have every single one of those songs stuck in my head for the rest of my life. She did all of our names and I asked her if she had Barack, but sadly that's not an option. It would have rocked.

We just about broke even and since we have a few more shows to do we should have a profit at the end. A lot of the other crafters were very disappointed in the turnout. We felt pretty fortunate. Our theory is that most people buy wreaths every year and ours were pretty cheap...it was a blue light special sort of day...unlike some of the other products that they had to work a little harder to sell (how many people need a dinner plate clock for instance). It was very educational. We learned that Hemlock and Pine together is a very big hit, sometimes you can't have too much gold on one wreath (that was a special experience, I wish I had a picture), and glitter makes everything better. We had a pretty good time altogether and I got a very nice loaf of wheat bread from a wise vendor who didn't want to take it home. Which I totally understand now.

"No, I kneed it then."

So far, we've made almost half of what we spent. One more day to break even!

"windy with a chance of murder"

Tomorrow is the first real test of our crafting skills. It's extremely nerve wracking. Fortunately for my nerves there was a rain storm that melted all the damn snow so I got to have a few runs this weekend. Life is better with running, it just is. Pounding the pavement really clears my brain, I should really look for a treadmill on craigslist. I had to go to walmart this morning which I thought would be awful but actually it was fine and I even got to park up front. There were cashiers standing around begging to ring people out, it was really bizarre. I asked them if the morning was busy and at first she shook her head and then she said that the numbers beat last year by 10 am. So wow for that. Every year "they" say that people are cutting back for christmas and blah blah blah and every year they're wrong because americans don't consider christmas optional. They might starve in January but in December they're buying tickle me elmo. It's truly fascinating.

"You smooth talking sex maniac"

I didn't make it home for thanksgiving so we're having thanksgiving in miniature by ourselves. Actually we're hiding out from Matt's family and hopefully it doesn't bite us in the ass but at the moment I can't seem to care. There is far too much to get done above and beyond cooking an impromptu tiny ass thanksgiving dinner.

Sadly, I burned the edges of my mini pumpkin pie, bad, bad baker, but I'm hoping to do better with the mini apple. Matt requested a cornish game turkey but this was the closest I could get. I expect he'll have a whole tablespoon of stuffing and gravy but he's far too busy to care. Hopefully Christmas is less trouble.

"she irons her jeans, she's evil"

These are the running sneakers I bought the fall before I moved out of Bar Harbor, two years ago. I was very careful to only wear them for running, to protect my investment and also because they're super white nikes and not exactly my every day style. I bought some new running sneakers this summer because apparently you're supposed to replace your running shoes after every third run or something so two years seemed about right. I've been wearing the old ones around the house, for running when it rains so my new shoes don't get trashed, I've worn them every day for wreath making. Every other piece of clothing I've worn down in the shop is trashed, pitch and dirt and spray glitter and yet these sneakers are like they're out of the damn box. I think maybe they're possessed. There's no other explanation. My sneakers might be evil, definitely undead. No other explanation for them being so damn white after two years of use.

"And yet I feel no pain. Just a sort of disinterest."

I am seriously broken. We've been getting our wreath on all day and I'm tired and dirty and there are pine cones in my oven. It actually smells really awesome in here, piney. I'm trying to get home for thanksgiving which is sort of reminding me of being in college. Working until the last minute, packing frantically and then driving for a much too high percentage of two short days. Not that I'm complaining. I really, really wanted to go home this thanksgiving. What is the purpose of being unemployed if you can't spend holidays with the fam. I'm feeling guilty both about staying and going and very stressed which seems totally unfair since I'm supposed to be obligation-less. But there is no such thing is there, unless maybe you're a cat.

My brother is in his own apartment which is a new development on the home front. It seems he's been on a list for a very long time for a semi-assisted living situation. It's obvious that he can't live on his own, living with dad is not helping him or dad and my almost 70 year old father is right to worry what happens to my brother if something happens to him. My sister can't take care of him and her three children and he'd be even more isolated here and god knows my sister in europe isn't going to be able to, so he has to be in the system. He needs more help than we can give him, more structure. He's never been able to do normal things on his own, like take a shower every day without being forced (as in not just stand in the bathroom with the shower running for two minutes like people who actually bathe won't notice that that's not long enough and also that your hair is dry) and other more unpleasant acts of personal hygiene and it seems unreasonable to think that after thirty four years he's going to get better.

He's not going to get better and it's time to accept that and do what has to be done. Unfortunately, this means he's going to have a roommate which is worrisome. His college roommate didn't take too well to the not showering, we can only hope that this roommate is equally insane or that the staff is extra super excellent. My dad is terrified that he's going to get kicked out for his behavior. My sister says that if he does get kicked out it'll be to a more structured environment because he is obviously not ok and not capable of living a normal life. There was a point during his last psych ward visit wherein he lied compulsively to the staff and they said if that behavior continued they may never be able to let him out. They obviously did but I don't think he was better off. He really, really likes the psych ward and since nothing else in the whole world gives him pleasure...maybe he should be there.

warning, actual post ahead

Third day of not being able to run and already almost three pounds up. Fark. I can't run on the road because of the snow. The snow that apparently was centered on our wee hamlet and left about 8 inches while it wasn't snowing anywhere else. Tomorrow I'm setting up my bike for indoor cycling to make up for the cardio hours I'm missing from my runs. Today I have to make about 20 wreaths and I just have to set that cycling goal for tomorrow. I know you're not supposed to make goals for tomorrow...all the best intentions and all...but I just can't do it today unless I finish all my wreaths early. Which is a strange reward, finish all that manual labor and you can exercise for an hour, WHOOO! By the end of this expedition tarring and feathering would be something to look forward to, anything but pine.

And also, of course, there is the food. On the one hand, when I was working I was out of the office a lot and it was really easy to pick up this or that and then completely forget about it when it came to rationalizing the day. At home, everything is at my disposal but it's quite as easy as buying a soda or chocolate and running back to the office. I don't buy a lot of things to grab and snack on. Anything we want to eat, we have to cook first. I really think exercise is my biggest hurdle, (pun totally awesome) and I have to get that figured out before it's January and I'm going backwards.

I think we're in a cold snap

Ya think? It's 18 degrees right now. 18. It's November...this is wrong, just wrong. It's far too cold for November. I'm severely displeased. I'm all kinds of cranky today because of the cold and the snow and the fact that I'm pretty sure two of the four nightgowns I've now sewn won't be wearable. I made a big sleeve mistake. Sleeves are a serious pain in the rear and I'm pretty sure the way they are sewn will prevent tiny arms and heads from getting their pajama on. I can A. ignore it and hope for the best or B. put in a zipper or a button or the like. I could make them sleeveless except for the 18 degrees problem. It's tricky being a seamstress. I'm never sewing clothes with sleeves again. All vests from here on out.

Firstly, it's been snowing all day and the weather channel says it's clear and windy. Not even thanksgiving and the battle begins. I was supposed to do some tipping and some wreathing...I have serious craft fair homework and so far I'm failing. I'm getting an F in craft fair. I think I'm getting an A in flattening birch bark though. I have a big damn piece drying in my bathroom under some ridiculously heavy steel weights from Matt's machine shop. Matt originally suggested using the iron but I'm pretty sure the indians sent theirs to the dry cleaner so I'm giving this method a whirl. It's supposed to be a sign for our booth but maybe we'll make a canoe for old times sake.

Pajama party '08 is coming along well, the second gown is officially done. I thought I liked the flowers better, and then the ice cream, and now I'm not so sure. Any votes? The seams are a hell of a lot straighter on this set though, which is good because finding crooked children is a pain in the ass.

"I'm so sorry if my agonizing pain is inconveniencing you."

Firstly, after a number of experiments conducted lo these weeks of unemployment I have decided that a banana and oatmeal is the best pre-run breakfast. Normally, when I had a job and a schedule, I ran before breakfast. Lately it's so freakin' cold that the longer I put off my run the warmer it is. A few degrees is a lot when it's 30. I'm pretty proud of myself actually for not being more of a wimp and giving up completely. I might have to invest in a face mask though, before my cheeks actually fall off one day.

I keep forgetting today is friday and that thanksgiving is next week. I need to make myself a post-it. Our first big ass craft fair is the weekend after thanksgiving and we're killing ourselves to be ready. We didn't seem to think there would be very much work involved because we aren't very smart. It's going to be a learning experience for sure. And also it's very sticky. I've washed my hands more times this week that I have...probably ever. I might not have any skin left by christmas.

"ten wanks beyond fussy!"

Pajamas a la me. We finally got one of the machines working (oil, who knew) and I got the first nightgown done. It looks really great from a far. It's sort of worse when you can see the seems but that's the great thing about children's clothes because children grow so fast they might just outgrow the nightgown before the whole thing unravels...always thinking!

I have to make three more and then my christmas sewing is done. Fortunately the children are progressively smaller and I'm getting faster with each seem so by these calculations I should be done before I start the third pair, it's like flying west. Can you call it a pair when it's only one? Pajamas are confusing.

A very Brady christmas to you too

So, we're up on Etsy. With three whole items. WooHoo. Wanna see what we've been up to these last few days, check us out!

imaginary business

Today I made exactly one wreath and my hands are so black with pine pitch I look like my boyfriend. I now know how boys get so dirty, it's really not that hard. So, I made one wreath that I sort of hate, I accidentally painted Charlene's beautiful took her two hours wreath with silver instead of clearcoat and while I feel reallllly bad about that it looks pretty awesome.

I'm getting ready to post some things on Etsy tomorrow. I'll put the link here so you can see how we're spending our unemployed time. I'm no longer foolish enough to think we'll make any profit but we're having a good time. Good times are better than "oh my god I'm unemployed" times so everyone wins!

If you can't beat 'em, balsam

Making wreaths is effing hard but it smells awesome. We made nine today, four of which look like the christmas decoration equivalent of pissed off and rabid wildebeasts, but whatever. It's a learning process. We're going to try again tomorrow...starting with bow making 101. Maybe I shouldn't have given the florist so much shit at the old job, it does suck standing all day working at a table. I'm a mean, mean girl and I'm feeling repentant.

"fabulous but semi-crippling"

Working hard at the Maine Grind in Ellsworth, with cupcakes...yay for customer appreciation day. We were discussing our imaginary business and reading Martha Stewart. Charlene has some super awesome ideas if we can actually figure out how to make a wreath. If we can get past that hurdle, well, we're golden.

This morning it would not stop raining so I missed my daily run. I made up for it by helping Matt lug firewood. It was seriously demoralizing. He did two trips to my one, I was the weakest link. He kept saying it didn't matter, everything I carried was something he didn't have to carry, but I felt completely useless. And now I feel completely knackered. Which I suppose means I got my exercise quotient but I don't feel energized like I do when I get my run in, I just feel tired. I suppose that's the difference between work and exercise.

cautionary tale

I grabbed matt's ugly ass orange fleece as Charlene and I were leaving to search for balsams yesterday. I'm not a mainer but it's a habit and I was shocked that Charlene didn't have a stitch of orange on or in her car. She was worried about bears and I'm worried about hunters. Matt has officially banned me from wearing brown, white, basically any color that any dumbass with a gun could possibly think was a deer. I'm not even allowed to carry a plastic hannaford bag because they're either white or brown, I had to find the one blue one. A long time ago he told me a story of a woman who was in her back yard with white mittens and was shot because someone thought she was a deer. I always remember that story and today it was in the paper. That was twenty years ago and the anniversary is today. It's pretty hard to read but I wasn't here twenty years ago and I didn't have to live it. I feel terribly for both parties, I really do. A family lost their wife and mother and a hunter took a human life, whether he's able to admit it or not.

The article says that hunting is safer now and blah blah blah but I think a lot of what the victim's husband said of 1988 is still true today. Hunters think that their right to hunt is all that matters and that anyone who objects is against hunting and against guns and is a liberal communist pussy. Really, there are t-shirts. They noted a housing boom as a cause of the accident. Personally, I think if you're going out somewhere with a gun you have a responsibility to know where the fuck you are (and have, you know, permission) and what you're shooting at and if you show up somewhere and there are houses maybe you should re-think your plan. Recreational land users in Maine drive me fucking crazy. They really think they can take their guns and their atv's and their snowmobiles anywhere they want to and it's just fine. Dig up our road, trash a blueberry field, shoot a homeowner...I don't think most of them are aware of consequences because for so long everything was just paper company land or unorganized land and now it's owned by individuals and Roxanne and they're unable to deal.

There is a distinct inability to adapt here, to accept change. Which is bullshit because it's damn hard to live here. I sometimes wonder if the populous survives on sheer stubornness. There is a complete inability to accept change. If you work for the paper mill and the paper mill shuts down...no one moves. They all just stay there and starve and say gee things were better when the paper mill was here...I do not understand. I do not understand because I am an outsider and I'm sure that Kevin Woods is right when he says it would have made a difference if the hunter had killed a local woman. If it was a Mrs. Baldacci that was shot, or anyone named Beal it would have been a different story.

I am genuinely scared when I'm out in the woods because Matt is scared for me. He's a hunter and he knows a lot of hunters and if he thinks most of them will shoot anything that moves I trust him. I can't wait for November to be over and the fear of being shot in my own yard gone (well, lessened anyway). I hate wearing orange and wondering weather my burgundy sweater is going to get me killed, it's no different than victims in rape cases being criticized for their clothes. I don't think it's my responsibility to keep morons from shooting me but I don't want to die for it so I wear the orange...and I make Charlene wear the orange too. I told her bears are afraid of orange so everyone wins.

"She's so hot, she's making me sexist - bitch."

The wreath making odyssey began today. We bought some supplies including some ridiculously fabulous flocked 1960 reindeer that I frickin' love. I'm not all that into christmas decorations...strange considering my new venture...but I seriously love these reindeer. They stepped right of the wonder years I swear. They're magnificent in their ugliness. We also bought some stuff that's not ugly, like ribbon and rings and blah blah all the other stuff you need to make cool stuff. Tomorrow we're going to scope out some craft fairs and check in on the competition. We're amazingly on the same page with our design ideas. I knew we thought a lot alike before but we really clicked today while making our choices in the shop and then driving through the woods (don't ask) and I'm really excited about our plans. Even if we don't break even, we'll have a great time so that's something.

What is not something, well I guess it is but it's a sucky something, is that I gave my friend the last kitkat in the bag this afternoon. WHICH MEANS I ATE AN ENTIRE BAG OF KITKAT MYSELF. No, really. I gave half of one mini kat to Matt and one mini pack to my friend and every other one I friggin' ate myself. No damn wonder I've been holding at 180. What is a wonder is that I haven't keeled over dead one morning coming up the hill. Can one have solid chocolate in the arteries, I know about cholesterol but what about chocolate...what is the survival rate of the kitkat bypass surgery? Is there anything more embarrassing in the whole world than offering candy to your new business partner and then having to admit you ate the WHOLE BAG because you already told her you were having a slight kitkat problem that morning. Yeah, no. I really need to get my shit together. What is the point of killing myself to run every morning and pushing myself further and GROWING EMOTIONALLY to then eat an entire bag of halloween candy? I hate myself so much right now, you have no idea.

the big licker

This sweatshirt was covered in fur. It belongs to Matt, so it really belongs to the meow and we've just been pretending it doesn't exist because wow was it furry. I stuck it in the washer as was and this is what happened. Doesn't it look like a constellation? Perhaps it's a great piece of art exploring the nebulaeic depths of the universe. Perhaps I should clean my house more often. Perhaps I should blog on a topic that isn't cat related.

I had a really sort of sad run today. I was not in to it. I find on days like this that I just keep hitting next song on my shuffle until I realize I'm just standing on the side of the road and that's not so sweaty an activity. I added a few new songs recently and that did the trick for most of last week but today not so much. Nelly is really the only music that keeps my feet moving, it is getting hot in herre and it must be the money because for some reason those two songs have consistently pumped me up. Yay nelly. Unfortunately it's not really in the budget to buy new songs every week just to keep on the trail. I've got to find some other motivation to get me to endorphin euphoria. What do you do when you get tired of your exercise music, do you buy a ton more or get over it?

I'm really enjoying my early runs despite the music problem, it's a different thing altogether when you aren't in a hurry to be anywhere..."why yes, I can run a bit further...why not go another half mile" so far it's very positive. I fixed my pants so I'm better dressed and perfectly warm and so far not shot (I did see a deer tied to a honda civic today which was a bit like a elmer fudd cartoon). I'm not seeing a huge weight reduction, I'm down around five pounds and holding but oh so impressed with my new muscles. I love feeling myself up.

I read something recently about using your blog as a resume and somehow I think not. But then maybe everyone doesn't write about grabbing their own ass. I guess it depends on the profession.

"We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos."

So, don't even tell me how many years I am behind because I don't need to know...I just, just this second got hooked on friggin' entourage. It must have been a while back because they're dancing to toxic and their Mac is a G4. The wreath business officially begins tomorrow but my pajama party is in tatters. Grandma's machine is, uhm, well I can't get to the damn bobbin. Any of y'all sew, I'm totally desperate. If anyone knows how the hell to get to the arm of a Singer Stylist 533 write me urgently. I have half useless sewing machines all over my newly emptied living room and it's damaging my chi. I feel like my meme, only without the 32 years worth of styrofoam McFishwich boxes stacked in my bedroom.

Tricksy sewing machineses

Obviously I suck because I had to publish to see what the pictures would look like and whoa, it's like a collage. Not that it matters, photojournalism this is not. Anyway, here's my new sweatshop. Or it would be if the sewing machine worked. Something is happening between the thread and the bobbin and it makes an unpleasant sound. I guess in the three years since I've sewn anything something went awry. Or more likely I put it away broken and figured it would be fixed by the time I used it again. Which seriously didn't work. I have another sewing machine downstairs that hopefully works...it just comes with one of those huge ass desks. Can you see the size of this room? I spent all week trying to make more space in my sky trailer and now I have to bring up another desk. Argh.

I'm trying to make pajamas for the children for christmas. I already cut all the pieces so hopefully I can get a machine working because it would seriously suck to sew all that by hand. I made Matt's cinnamon bread yesterday but it was still cooling last night. I used it for french toast this morning and decided that I am a genius. But not genius enough to take a picture. I did take a sort of creepy picture of Sam from the end of the first lord of the rings. I have a lot of time to kill so trilogies it is. Back to the future tomorrow. I almost wish I had tv, the silence is killing me. And still, no braids...

"He's alright, as far as violent pissheads go."

Officially tired of unemployment. Considered cleaning bathroom grout with toothbrush simply to pass time. Set up twitter but as I'm doing nothing 25 hours a day, no tweets. Opened bag of halloween candy, bad decision. Frozen kit kats suck. Considering going outside to be eaten by bear for blog fodder. Cat would not allow me to braid her fur, said something about boundaries. Help.

"Somewhere a rainbow is weeping."

I dun broke my running pants. Must've been running too fast, too hard, too run-a-lisciously. Yeah, whatever it's going to be a long month but I seriously did break my pants. I'm distressed, the cord broke in the middle of the, err waist band, and somehow I have to fish it out because I'm way too poor to buy new ones. It's going to take hours, which fortunately I have, but at the moment I'm too lazy. So this morning I had to wear my pippy longstocking socks with my not long enough sweatpants (seriously, capri sweatpants...what was I thinking) and my horribly yellow sweatshirt so I'm not mistaken for a deer and some truckers from canada honked at me. Sassy bastards. It was quite a look, like short stop on the baseball team of hell. How's that for imagery. Aren't I writer-y today. Hemingway, Hemingway, Hemingway.

So clearly I'm going frickin' insane in my house. Too much time alone and I'm completely out of things to dust. Just me and the meow. I'm going to braid her fur later and then we'll play truth or dare, it's gonna rock. I can't wait for my friend to get laid off so we can be bums together. Top of the list of things I never thought I'd wish for.

"Jesus is coming - Look Busy!"

So, something happened at the funeral that has been driving me crazy and since I have to post every day this month why not get it out of my brain and into the blogosphere and then maybe get over it. Matt's mother introduced her sons to the very kind and eloquent reverend as "this is my son "Matt's brother" and his beautiful girl "girlfriend" oh, and this is Matt and Amy". I'm a big petty jerk but damn does that seem insensitive to you?

I edited this part where I wrote about Matt's frustrations because they're his and not mine to discuss at length on the internet. I will say that it makes me cranky when they treat him badly. He gets guilt trips for not going to each of the three to four birthday parties for his brother's girlfriend's children but no one seems to care that the brother didn't make it to say goodbye to his grandmother who was dying for over a month. Children that are in no way related to matt and have so much family that they have a handful of birthday parties every year merit more time than your actual grandmother who has asked to see you one more time, great family values. I'm tired of us being the pariahs because we make different choices. And also, the brother made a remark that Matt has a mother and not a girlfriend because I cook for him instead of stouffer's every night...sorry you're jealous buddy..nothing I can do about it.

I know I'm the odd one out and that's fine with me most of the time. I'm not going to pretend to go all gooey about her babies (for whom they put diet coke in a sippy cup, WHAT THE FUCK) and christmas and say "gee, aren't men helpless" all the time just to be like his mom and the perfect, beautiful girlfriend (who didn't vote because she didn't have the time...that pesky every four years is so hard to plan for). ARGHHH. I'm just frustrated and Matt is frustrated and I'm tired of sucking it up. I'm taking a break from sucking. I'm going to be vapid and petty and whiny today and maybe I'll be a grown-up tomorrow. Afternoon.

"And that's why you don't get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club"

Currently baking a pie, making applesauce, folding laundry and watching Smokey and the Bandit. I'm a busy, busy girl. My friend from the old job and I are getting our christmas wreath venture all sorted out. We even have some customers already! Yay! We're going up to the wreath making capital of Maine next week for supplies. Expect photos of wreath-y goodness. I'm planning to print up some christmas cards too, I'm SO crafty when I have the time.

Because of the crafting I've pulled out all my printing supplies. I have a stack of soft block to carve. I've been storing it with some styrofoam plates that I used for valentine's day a few years back. It was silly to save styrofoam, they're not exactly heirloom printing plates, but I did and man was it interesting when I pulled them out. Apparently, when you stack soft block and styrofoam together it turns the styrofoam into rubber. Which is fascinating. The soft block plates are fine, even cleaner after the rubber pulled out all the ink residue. Next time I'll store them for 10 years and hope for diamonds.