"And yet I feel no pain. Just a sort of disinterest."

I am seriously broken. We've been getting our wreath on all day and I'm tired and dirty and there are pine cones in my oven. It actually smells really awesome in here, piney. I'm trying to get home for thanksgiving which is sort of reminding me of being in college. Working until the last minute, packing frantically and then driving for a much too high percentage of two short days. Not that I'm complaining. I really, really wanted to go home this thanksgiving. What is the purpose of being unemployed if you can't spend holidays with the fam. I'm feeling guilty both about staying and going and very stressed which seems totally unfair since I'm supposed to be obligation-less. But there is no such thing is there, unless maybe you're a cat.

My brother is in his own apartment which is a new development on the home front. It seems he's been on a list for a very long time for a semi-assisted living situation. It's obvious that he can't live on his own, living with dad is not helping him or dad and my almost 70 year old father is right to worry what happens to my brother if something happens to him. My sister can't take care of him and her three children and he'd be even more isolated here and god knows my sister in europe isn't going to be able to, so he has to be in the system. He needs more help than we can give him, more structure. He's never been able to do normal things on his own, like take a shower every day without being forced (as in not just stand in the bathroom with the shower running for two minutes like people who actually bathe won't notice that that's not long enough and also that your hair is dry) and other more unpleasant acts of personal hygiene and it seems unreasonable to think that after thirty four years he's going to get better.

He's not going to get better and it's time to accept that and do what has to be done. Unfortunately, this means he's going to have a roommate which is worrisome. His college roommate didn't take too well to the not showering, we can only hope that this roommate is equally insane or that the staff is extra super excellent. My dad is terrified that he's going to get kicked out for his behavior. My sister says that if he does get kicked out it'll be to a more structured environment because he is obviously not ok and not capable of living a normal life. There was a point during his last psych ward visit wherein he lied compulsively to the staff and they said if that behavior continued they may never be able to let him out. They obviously did but I don't think he was better off. He really, really likes the psych ward and since nothing else in the whole world gives him pleasure...maybe he should be there.