"it was only metaphor blood"

Two nights ago I exercised and now I'm dying. AGAIN. I always think exercise ball exercising is going to be all fluff and kittens because really there's a lot of sitting and then the next day you can't sit down without weeping. Maybe that's the beauty of it, the exercise makes it so you can't sit down and there for you must burn more calories...uhm...standing. Anyway ow, and yay at the same time. I sort of love it when exercise kicks my ass like this because I know I did something right. Know what I mean?

I'm quite proud of myself just now, last night there was cleaning and exercise. Today I'm making lists. I love lists. I love them when I am actually crossing things off. Matt's birthday is Saturday and my current list is for all the things I need to do to make saturday birthday-y. I have to wrap presents, and buy a card, and what are we having for dinner and oh yeah the cake...which will probably be a pie. I'm sure there's more. I think I promised to oil soap the cabinets too because nothing says happy birthday like shining pine.

The cleaning of the cabinets is probably going to be his favorite gift. I must admit that since taking on this job I have been a very bad housekeeper. It seems to me that I used to actually wash the floor with a mop instead of just the swiffer and on occasion dust things. I tell you honestly that it's been a long while since I dusted, a dinosaurs roamed the earth amount of time. I don't mean to imply that Matt is a neat freak or a slave driver with the house cleaning. He doesn't make time to do it either so it's not like he complains. It's different when you own your own house though. He built those cabinets and the floor and everything else. Built as in cut the trees, sawed the wood, and used the boards to build the doors and the frames and to make the floor. It's very different than renting an apartment where you don't give a rat's ass about the patina or the scuffs and dents and probably you have crappy linoleum anyway. I really want to be taking care of the things he built for us. He doesn't get upset when I drop my knives and they stand straight up in the wood (I should have taken a picture it was awesome) because somethings you can't control (like me being a klutz). I can control the dirt and the scuffs so I should probably try harder to make time for it. Amongst other things.

I feel so busy and yet I get nothing done. It's not ok. I've been trying to stay up later and accomplish things that I can look back on and care about but it's really hard. I feel like I'm squishing the most important parts of my life into tiny holes of time and it's not really working. The hours at work aren't exactly awful until I step away from it and realize that all my time is spent here or worrying about here and it sucks that I have hardly any time for fun this summer. You wait so long for the snow to go away and then you spend all those beautiful hours in an office trying to keep an egotistical but strangely low-self esteemed boss in check. Weird.

SEVEN

Seven deadly sins, seven-eleven, seven gables on that house in that book that time, seven Reese's peanut butter cups that I ate this weekend. Seriously y'all, seven. It's a very bad no good number. It just sort of happened. My sister was buying these big packs of them for her friends in Prague and I just couldn't seem to resist so I bought some. I looked down at the pack for a minute and there were 8, Matt ate 1 and then the pack was gone so I must have eaten 7. I have no recollection of deciding to eat seven reese's. I don't even like them that much, I simply have no explanation. My meals yesterday were cereal, salad, a bean dish for dinner and a very juicy pear for a snack. Oh, and that inexplicable pack of Rolo's that I bought out of frustration which were totally gross and which I ate anyway. So...normal, normal, normal, normal, INSANE. That's a four to one ratio so I guess I'm doing well.

I can't remember doing anything so completely insane in the last months. I've been quite hard on myself for not being perfect but I can't think of anything that was so bad. I buy and eat lots of veggies and fruit and I hardly ever buy candy. God knows I bake all the time and probably I help myself to too much so I'll have to keep an eye on that. For the most part I think I'm doing OK. I am not a whale and I do walk every day and I'm working the pilates in to my routine. It's on the plate for tonight actually and I've decided that I can't make love to James Roday in Psych until I get my pilates on.

Let us not say tv is a reward, let us say that I'm going to make the exercise my priority. I've always sort of hated the idea of rewards for doing the right thing. It's reminiscent of not being deserving unless you're skinny or killing yourself to be skinny. I've been trying to describe why I don't like it, what exactly is so bad about having a reward for what is really hard work and it's difficult. It seems like telling yourself that when you're skinnier you can do whatever you want and that's just not true so why would it be true now. I prefer to think of things in the way of priorities. It should be my priority to do pilates before entertainment. It should be my priority to eat well and exercise. Thinking about it that way helps my head. When I tell myself things like I can eat this as long as I do that it doesn't really promote me making good choices. Making that sort of deal with myself doesn't help me much, I don't want to be always looking for the next bargain when it's really just an excuse.

about those bunnies

Yesterday's post was supposed to be about frustration and how I don't handle it well but I kept getting distracted. Funny enough, I'm still frustrated today, in particular because I just made my day ridiculously hard by trying to get to the doctor at 7 am (which they told me to do yesterday) only the doctor isn't there till 8 and am I supposed to wait until 8 just to wait again, no...no I'm not going to do that. I made an appointment with a real doctor and hopefully I'll finally get some answers. I'm heading to NH tonight to say goodbye to my sister and happy birthday to my daddy and I'm not packed even the tiniest bit because I was trying so hard to get to the doctor this morning. I'm a little less about to fall apart right now but I'm still not able to really think anything through past the point of blind rage.

I've been set at "Go directly to pissed, do not stop at go do not collect 200 dollars" all week and I'm tired of it. Probably every one is tired of it. I've had to tell every single person at work every day and usually every time they talk to me that I cannot hear them and also please stop talking to me while I'm on the phone because that doesn't work on a good day and it REALLY doesn't work today, thank you. Hi, my name is Amy and I'm a grumpaholic. It must be a testament to my normal temperament at work that people are shocked and surprised that I can be such a bitch. Seriously though, if you were deaf and dying Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday...come Friday if you're not dancing naked in the rain I'm going to assume that you're still deaf and still dying and maybe a little bit on the edge and I'll leave you the fuck alone. That is all I'm asking for.

"It could be bunnies"

The bunny that was our best friend last week ate our two baby tomatoes yesterday and all of my pepper plants and now we're mortal enemies. Matt built a fence and now hopefully the bunnies will be kept at bay. It's very upsetting. I'm also still deaf so that's upsetting too. Worse is that I did pilates last night and kept falling over. Apparently I need every bit of balance I have to do pilates. I did as much as I could and then I called the doctor this morning. She's not there, no appointments...I can go and sit for a few hours until she might be able to see me. I'm so frustrated with being deaf that it sounds almost pleasurable to sit and wait all day for some relief. Geez.

"No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown."

Forget that, I'm friggin' dying. I have yet another ear infection and the one thing I didn't tell the doctor was "debilitating pain" and I really should have because I am right now in my house wondering how much advil you can take before it kills you. So far I have 6 in my system and if they're having any effect at all I'd be dead without them. I don't recall ever having so much pain that it actually made me cry, this is unbelievable.

I just got called to check on matt's brother's house to look for robbers. They called me brave but it was a welcome distraction. I left work early because OW I couldn't concentrate. That was very silly because as much as I like petting my cat and sitting on the couch, pain with no distraction is unbearable. I should really try and do a crossword or maybe run marathon just to take my mind off it. Probably my boss wouldn't have appreciated all the swearing and lamaz breathing if he'd been there to hear it. Christ. Ow. Fuck. I am not a tough cookie, that much is clear.

metaphor in action

I just washed my hands for the fifty second time and I'm pretty sure it wasn't enough. Do you know how dirty the office toilet is? Do you? Because I'm pretty sure I need at least fifty three washes and a lobotomy to get over what has transpired here this morning. I dropped my work phone in to the toilet and now I want to die. I'm sort of surprised that my instinct was to grab it right away as opposed to screaming or running or maybe crying, but grab it I did and I rinsed it off (probably silly to get it more wet but seriously) and then I started scrubbing my hands. They sort of hurt now actually. Luckily the phone still works. I rubbed an alcohol soaked cotton ball all over it and I'm feeling a little bit better about maybe putting it near my face again sometime in the far far future but maybe I'll just use an ear piece. I seriously hate myself, you have no idea. At least it wasn't the iphone...I can be thankful I'm not that daft. Sugarcrook would probably hunt me down and revoke my phone owning rights if I had dropped that one down the john. Christ, I can't wait to go home.

"I can't want to"

I'm thinking that it's easier to give up all sugar than it is to cut back because somehow when you're only cutting back the lines get a little fuzzy. Remember how I took my microwave for granted and now I'm going to starve and die without it...well, in a similar way I have "forgotten" that I never used to eat ice cream. Somehow...recently...like as in since I decided I was too fat to watch Holly get married and started to err "diet" again I've had a difficulty in not eating ice cream. If I was being super south beach about it it would be easy, NO ice cream. Cutting back is like being in limbo, you know...purgatory. You're not actually like burning in hell fire but your heels are hot if you know what I mean.

So, I made myself an ice cream cone last night. It was a really tiny one but all I can think of is "Whoops, opposite of slimming" and now I want another one. I put about three tablespoons in a sugar cone and I should look up the calories but I'm thinking it's not abysmal. In high school I worked at an ice cream stand and we used to have people order a pint and ask for a spoon, fat people mostly. I remind myself of things like that whenever I think I'm getting a little out of control and maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't want to be an over-reactor, the sort of girl that stops eating for the day because she had a whole bowl of granola for breakfast when she was only supposed to have half but I don't want get complacent about my bad habits either. That case of coke still haunts me and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get another case right now.

I've been feeling a little stressed lately and I know I've been making worse decisions than usual. The days where I buy a candy bar at the check out and after two bites I know I don't need it and then finish it anyway are all too frequent...that's not cool. I want to get back to the place where I was justified in my wants because I wasn't making indulgence a habit, or at the very least I was working so hard with exercise that I could easily make up for it. I've been feeling rotten about my choices for a while and it's just starting to really hit home. I'm still a twelve but I haven't set foot on a scale in ages. I'm not out fatting my clothes but I don't feel great anymore. Two miles a day of walking when I can't run (knee...killing me) isn't making up for being a slacker in other areas, not anymore, and I feel really crummy about it. It would be nice to just live again and have these be my habits instead of feeling like playing catch up. Wish me luck y'all.

"the regime from which the radicals want to break free"

Last night I got a facial and it was very nice. Calming and relaxing and now I'm all glowy. And unfortunately I'm pissed at myself because they did not do extractions and I did not ask for them. I really wanted her to take my old skin off and sew on some new skin. I wanted her to extract the HELL out of my pores man, a serious amount of extraction, I wanted to see a pound of pore dirt...possibly an avalanche. I am a bad advocate for myself and that's the truth. I'll have to ask for new skin next time. I'm trying to not be too annoyed because I enjoyed the massage and the hot towels and the resting with no phones ringing or food to cook or dishes to wash.

And then I got home to microwave myself a quick dinner and whoops! the microwave is broken. The start button will not be pushed. You can push every other button but to no avail. There is no hot and steamy microwave action. Course I've had the thing since college and with all those moves it's amazing it's lasted this long. I poked around walmart but I am loathe to buy a new one...you get to know a microwave, you build a relationship. I know how long it takes to pop corn in a brown bag without burning it in the current not so much working microwave...it never lets me down, it's about trust people. My sister's microwave boils water in 3 seconds, the one at work couldn't boil water if you put the whole thing on the stove, it's a tricky business. But I have to make a decision soon because apparently I use the microwave all the time. If you'd asked me last week I'd have said I hardly use it and I'd have been lying because it's like having my arm cut off to cook without it.

In, like, relevant news I've taken up pilates again. OUCH and DUDE. Wow, on the one hand I can still do the teaser, which took me forever in the beginning, but it's VERY UNPLEASANT. I don't remember pain, I remember work and sweat and possibly a subtle burn but out right pain is new. I'll get over it. I should consider myself lucky that I was able to get through it after such a long absence. I have definitely been lucky to not have gained a hundred pounds when I stopped, I'm still in the same sizes...maybe just a little squashier. I hate myself every time I stop my pilates routine and have to start again but somehow it doesn't keep me on the thin and narrow. It's no different this time. I'll have myself for another few weeks and then I'll be so high off endorphins I'll tell you all to go out and marry Ana Caban. I'm sure of it.

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half"

I've been getting REALLY annoyed about my dsl not working. You know what helps? Paying the bill.

OH MY GOD!

manic panic

Befpre I tell you about how I made my boyfriend drive for four hours for no reason because I freaked out about my bridesmaid dress not fitting can we talk about the bear that got run over yesterday? A BEAR. Practically in our front yard a 300 pound bear came running up an embankment and over the guardrail and some old dude in a cadillac creamed it. A BEAR. Something must have scared the crap out of it because bears don't do civilization if they can avoid it. it took 4 neighbors and one very interested British tourist to move the thing into a truck and the last I saw they had it down at the store to drink coffee and chat over and soon it'll be a rug for the cadillac driver. Which is surprising because I thought for sure he'd be dead. I would die if I hit a bear with my car, no doubt.

What was that about freaking out and driving to augusta? Oh yeah, well it's been increasingly obvious to me that this october wedding is just getting closer and I should probably get things in order. I made a dress alteration appointment last week. An appointment that I will have to change because that dress isn't as close to fitting as I thought. There is only one god damn david's bridal in Maine and it's in Portland and since you can't order online Matt and I started driving. It takes approximately 7 years for those dresses to order and ship so we really had to do it right then. The store doesn't open until noon so we were in Augusta by the time we were able to call and learn that we can order by phone, heh. I really need to disable my panic button, I'm thinking tranquilizers.

Since we were in Augusta we drove around and saw the state house and the museum Matt wants to go to and a very nice looking downtown in which EVERY store was closed. I tell a lie, the hallmark store was open so we browsed for lack of anything better to do. Even the coffee shop was closed. Dude. So the trip was a total bust unless you count feeling anxious, eating junk food and wasting gas as a good time. Yay whoopie pies! I'm less freaked out but much more broke at the moment. I hope the dress is nice, it better look fucking awesome.

Don't make me get the hose!

One of my boys gave me some Venezuelan chocolate this morning. He's a sweetheart. I slipped him a cupcake in his lunch bag and hopefully he doesn't think I'm crazy or that we're getting married. It's hard to know. It's been a really good morning actually, I even saw our resident bunny this morning. Last night ended sort of on the rough. Matt and I had a rare date and I left early. Well, technically I left after ten hours but it's pretty much up to the boss as to what is early and what isn't and that scale is never the same twice. But anyway, he doesn't seem too mad today and Matt and I had a nice time. Bangor has this open air market on Thursday nights and there was also a concert and it was really like living in a town that is alive for once. It was really, really great. We had thai for dinner and Matt almost died with the goodness. I love making him try new food he really doesn't want to and then forcing him to admit that he loves it. Small pleasures.

On my sick day I ordered some shoes for the big wedding in October. I've been meaning to do it for ages and it occurred to me that since I have to dye them I should probably get on task. I should also order a girdle because I have been a serious slacker and I don't exactly fit in my dress without a slenderizer. I have two months and it would be optimistic to the point of foolishness to think that I could do enough pilates to be a size 6 by october so it's time for spandex. I'm also going to try to cut some carbs, like umm that cupcake I gave up today...and make ab work a priority and probably some weights since my dress is halter. And then I'm going to buy a wrap and a sweater and a paper bag to wear over my head when I realize that I've had a year to get my act together so I wouldn't feel fat at this wedding and I've done nada about it. And also, because what's a paragraph without fifteen uses of "And" as the first word of a sentence, I should've saved some money because weddings are effing expensive even when you're not getting married...so many clothes to buy...although probably if I didn't dress like a straggled teen I could put together a nice outfit for the parties and the dinners without shopping for hours. Everyone should just live in sin, it's so much easier.

trying not to die

You know, spending much of your early morning sleeping hours unconscious is not actually as restful as sleeping. And also the vomiting. Hi, I'm totally at work and I shouldn't be because this sucks. I got very sick for no reason at about 4 am and passed out in my bathroom and woke up to kitty feet in my face. She seemed really pleased that someone was sleeping on the floor with her. Mostly I was really pleased that I didn't puke on her. That would have been a very different blogpost, the kind where you die at the end because it's just so awful. This sort of thing happened to me a few times in college and directly after and generally it goes away and then I'm fine. It does seem to always happen in the summer so I'm thinking it's some kind of dehydration attack. I'm trying really hard not to google the symptoms, I might be clinically dead based on the wisdom of wikipedia.

So I'm here at work faking being alive and shopping and blogging. I ordered myself a dvd I don't need and I do need some shoes for that wedding and I just realized that my other two heads haven't materialized. Bummer. I'm more annoyed about having to write the seller than I am about not receiving them in the first place. It's a hassle buying heads over the internet, be warned. Not like buying wedding shoes at Zappos, that's a piece of cake. Wedding pun totally awesome. Home, I'm going home now. Y'all have a good day!

mo-ron

So...at the moment I'm locked out of my office. For the third time in two weeks. I can't learn. I'm a learning free zone. Clearly I still have the interwebs and also my cell phone so pretty much I can still work but it's very frusterrrating. And also, I'm not sure if I have 10 more spanish dudes coming tonight or not...I can't tell. I think he said they were delayed but if they're not delayed I'm going to have to set up 10 beds by myself and I might die. I was just about to type "I wish I spoke spanish betterer so I can understand this guy" but in all fairness my boss and I speak the same language and I don't get any clearer answers from him. It's just my plight...to anticipate the unclear of speech and clearly insane. And also I HAVE to stop locking myself out of my freaking office.

The first time I locked myself out of my office, my BFF was here and she gave me her key. "Whooops! What would happen if she wasn't here! Better be more careful!" The next time she wasn't here but was on her way back so I just had an early lunch and then she let me in. "Whoo! That was lucky, better not do that again!". This time she's in the middle of nowhere, my boss is in the middle of nowhere and the only other key belongs to the bookkeeper...who very graciously is letting us pick up his copy. By us I mean not me because my car keys are locked in my office...and the only other available vehicle is a backhoe so the very sweet delivery van man is picking it up for me. Thank Christ, I was running out of alternatives. The girls downstairs actually have a lock picking kit which they lent me which I suck at. My life of crime is not going to involve house breaking, sadly. If it happens again I'm going to have to hide a copy under my skin like the Bourne Identity. This is getting ridiculous.

It's not so much the heat as the stupidity

I bought a case of coke two weeks ago and it's already gone. I took the last one this morning. It's right now chillin' in the work fridge, waiting to tickle my throat with bubbles and sugar and whatever property it is that makes that shit remove rust from metal. I like to think that at least I do stupid things with the full knowledge that it's stupid, why I think that's better than denial I'm not sure. Honorable maybe, like I'm not stupid enough to think it's ok to drink a coke a day but stupid enough to do it anyway. I was reading this article yesterday and you know it is silly that we won't ban handguns but fast food is on the fed's shit list.

Food is food and some people buy "good" food and some people buy "bad" food and some people can't afford to buy the "right" food and some people can and choose to buy the "wrong" food anyway. So what. People do what they do and live with the consequences whether they want to or not. I'll never believe that it's the government's job to make us weigh less or be healthier. We have a right to be lard asses with guns and do stupid things, I don't believe that it's worse to be fat than it is to shoot people. I also don't think that speeding is so bad either, I mean, 15 miles an hour...that's nothing...not even a marathon. Not to dwell on it or anything...that's hardly like me at all...crazy talk.

"how's that working for you?"

So I called my boyfriend after I got that $185.00 speeding ticket and he said "why were you speeding?". Hmm, WRONG. Just wrong.

"if you don't get your period soon we're going to have to open up a vein."

I'm right now eating potato chips for dinner and I'm going to follow it up with a cookie, go ahead...call the food police. I dare you. Anyway, hi. How cool is it that I can put "accordion" into a box and my blog has a slideshow of accordion pictures, I love it...technology rocks. I'm totally doing geese next, or gaggle, what do you think you get if you type "gaggle" into flickr. I'm devoted to finding out so check back tomorrow.

I just got one of my heads in the mail and it's itty bitty. Which is probably a good thing considering the number of heads I ordered. I should take up voodoo and shrink them all. I'd have so much more room in my house if I were a voodoo priestess, seriously. It's a goal to work toward.

Right now it's very hot in my house and that cookie didn't cool me down at all. Should've had a popsicle. Or a shower. Or an air conditioner maybe. I'm a bit of a stream of consciousness mood right now, no really, and I also sort of wish I didn't have chips for dinner because now I sort of want to die. And this is why you don't post twice in one day. Potato chips for dinner and voodoo, I should've just got drunk.

He he he, accordions

As you can see I've done somethings to the blog. I've been meaning to spice things up and these probably are temporary spices but it's nine am and I'm drinking coke and contemplating work in the supermarket industry. Really. So it's a good time for a shake-up.

"what about second breakfast?"

So, we were at a yardsale, as we're wont to do, and all of a sudden someone is playing the accordion. It was, of course, one of my boys. The vendor tried reallll hard to sell it to him, he must have been hard up for interest in it, but of course an accordion is not a practical purchase when one has to travel home to Guatemala. But wow, I'm impressed he could play the accordion, that rocks. I really wish they'd talk to me, I want to know someone that plays the accordion in more than a ride to superwalmart sort of way. Whatever, anyway we had a good time at the yardsale. Another boy bought a Britney Spears album and several bought barbie horses for their babies. Cute. I bought some things too...


The t-shirt is for my niece, sadly it only came in niece sizes, and the brooch is for me. I didn't think I was into brooches but I just felt compelled to buy it, I put it on right away and got some compliments from my fellow yardsalers...they're my people, we have a bond. I really love doing the yardsale thing with my boyfriends, even when they don't talk to me it's better than yardsale-ing alone.

In totally unrelated news the house Matt and his brother are building down the road got robbed. They stole a bunch of building supplies, faucets and a book of cd's. They must have meant to come back because there were piles of copper fittings and other more valuable things sitting by the door. Matt and Nate spent the whole night in the dark with shotguns waiting for them to come back which they didn't THANK CHRIST. There is now a security camera and new locks and us driving by every few hours and no more waiting around with guns so that's good. We'll be fitting up our new security camera soon too. You'd think only people with valuables or who lived in cities would have to do stuff like that, but, alas. Who knew scrap metal made people so crazy. It's like the goldrush with tin cans and copper wiring.

Shhha-na-na's my favorite band

I have a very nice boyfriend who would never tell me I'm a moron, he just lauged when I told him about the three heads problem and asked if he still had to glue back together the old one. Yes he does, even though it will be impossible, because I am mean. Spending another day failing to earn my keep at work. This isn't strictly true, I'm just doing things for my boss that aren't money generating, things that are non-business related. And then I'm going to go to the post office. It's a very big day at Amy-co.

I'm finding myself simultaneously enjoying having enough disposable income to buy a bunch of head art online and hating myself because every dumbass thing I buy means it'll take longer to get my own business going. For the most part I don't hate coming in to work but it would be nice to know I'd be ok if I had to quit right now and it would be easier if I had, say, an i-phone amount of extra money in the bank. I haven't been very good at putting my priorities first lately. There are some things I want to do with the site, I want to master my camera and start posting more pictures and build a portfolio and get myself together for this business because wow I'm wasting a lot of time. I don't need money for all those things, I can work on my site and take pictures and bake and save some cash all at once if I just take my head out of my ass and do it.

My work bff and I spend most of our free time scolding ourselves for not being more together...ironic. I did realize recently that I've kept my new years resolution of keeping my papers filed. Which is amazing, I think. I've had more trouble dealing with Matt's papers. Mostly I put them in a box and wait 5 weeks for him to ask what happened to them. It's almost like Pavlov's dogs except he hasn't learned to put them away before I get my paws on them. Soon, I think soon.

one of many

Sometimes when I do something really stupid I have like a "this is your life" type flashback of all the stupid things I've ever done. Like that time in junior high I incited a group of cheerleaders to violence at the library and Holly had to save my ass, that runs in my head like a loop. And that time I broke my own window to get into my apartment instead of checking the door...that's a classic. Anyway, yesterday something annoying happened to me which has started the "you're an ass" playback in my head. One of my very favorite things, which came from my grandmother's house and which my mother loved (and which when she was sick she totally hounded me over having and I didn't realize that I did have it and wow do I suck but also she had a lot of oxycontin and I didn't always take her seriously and then it turned out it was packed up in my room and I found it after she died and took it home with me and hopefully she's over it by now...) broke. It was safely sitting in the window sill because that was a cat free zone. It's a wide ass window sill and seriously the thing was huge and who thinks the wind will blow over giant pieces of pottery? WHO? No one, that's who. But it totally did and it scared the shit out of me. And then it broke my heart because you don't get more ir-replaceable than the antique vase your dying mother guilted you over for months. Unless of course you use E-bay.

Here comes the stupid. I was really upset about the vase...and I thought "well, gee, let's see what there is like it online" because if the internet can't solve your problems who can? I proceeded to bid on 4 similar vases. Because I'm a moron. I've since won three of them. THREE. I couldn't keep that one safe...good thinking to buy THREE of them. Crash, Slam, Bang. I suppose this way I have back-ups, or maybe I'll hot glue them all to a table. One doesn't get more House Beautiful than glueing the knickknacks to the tables. I can start screwing cheesy art to the walls too, it'll be Motel 6 Chic! Anyway, Hi...I'm a moron. I guess I thought porcelain hat wearing ladies were more popular on the online bidding circuit...guess not...GOOD THING I HAVE THREE OF THEM NOW. cough, cough.

Anyway, wow, I feel like a moron. MORON. I can't wait to tell Matt. There's nothing better than watching your boyfriend realize he lives with an unstable cat lady with a shopping problem.

"she must be tired of something"

I'm embarking on a very Amy day: watching a movie while listening to the radio, cleaning my closet, baking cookies and making spaghetti sauce. I have a huge desire to go out for no real reason so I've lined up a full day of household distractions to keep me from wasting gas and time and also I really need to wash my floor. I made my laborers go with me to Bangor on all my errands yesterday for the strict purpose that I wouldn't have to go out again this weekend. In exchange for their patience we stopped at a big ass yard sale. I found some really cute glass bowls in the shape of apples (which, wow is clear glass ever difficult to photograph) and the boys bought a ridiculously old and heavy boom box. Which I accidentally incited a bidding war over by helping them find a cord...the yardsale lady didn't realize we were together...whoops! I think they still got it for 2 dollars but geez, I didn't mean to drive up the prices on them. I learned who all the dads are because they were searching through the baby clothes and debating teddy bears, it was adorable beyond words.

*I just finished my cookies and they kind of suck. I'm not really a big sugar cookie fan anyway but I just had this urge and it's disappointing. Maybe they need frosting. Maybe Matt will eat them anyway. Maybe if I threaten to cry if he doesn't. Hmmm.*

So, I was poking around walmart yesterday with my guys, as I'm wont to do, and I found a very annoying bag of trail mix. It was called "dietary mix". Dietary mix. As opposed to what? If you eat it, it's dietary as in a part of one's diet. Oreos could say "dietary" and it would be true. What they wanted to write was "trail mix for fat people" and someone in PR slapped their wrists and they thought, dietary...sounds like diet...go for it. It sort of reminded me of something in a round about sort of way. I'm not sure how many of you guys are Dooce readers but I'm going to mention her cleanse anyway. I should say she's doing the Oprah cleanse and taking a lot of shit for it. She takes a lot of shit for getting up in the morning, the price you pay for making enough money with your blog to pay a mortgage I suppose. Anyway, the cleanse is a sugar, caffeine and alcohol free/vegan diet and she's doing it not to lose weight but to take better care of her body and no one seems to be pleased about it. It sort of reminds me of the look on people's faces when I tell them I exercise. "You're so fat, if you exercised wouldn't you be skinnier?". I think there's an assumption that skinny people must eat well, as an intrinsic value of thinness...just like skinny people must also be happier and smarter and better all around.

I'm taking the reaction in a very fat-centric way. People are used to Oprah being on a diet, what's it been like 20 years? Dooce is perfectly skinny and doesn't generally make weight an issue, at least on her blog. I think we're brainwashed that only fat people can be on a diet and only fat people should think a moment about the food they put in their mouths. There was this episode of Bones in the first season where skinny girl b tells group a through d that this other girl must be insecure because she's got a perfect figure but was eating a fat free muffin. Love that show, hate that line. Seriously, how many calories are there in muffins even if they're fat free, you could power a small town on those carbs. That always bothers me but then it bothers me too that we're supposed to believe that she looks like that without ever considering a morsel she eats and this one fat free muffin is a ringing bell of insecurity. Food is so annoying sometimes, I hate it. I love cooking and well, obviously eating, but god wouldn't it be easier if it was all like space food...pre-packaged for nutrition and you just ate it because you had to and then got back to work.

The forces of society need to sell coke and hamburgers and whatever 7 layer burritonator taco bell is flogging to keep our happy consumption economy rolling. How we can vilify the fat and celebrate that kind of eating at the same time and not see any kind of connection is incomprehensible. It's incomprehensible to me anyway that anyone really cares about what other people eat. I don't stalk and threaten the people who go through the Mcdonalds drive-thru, why should anyone care whether someone wants to change their diet for their health. People don't pelt diabetics with sweets in the street or force feed red meat to cardiac patients, who cares if someone cuts sugar and alcohol out of their diets. I just don't get it, I really don't.

"the shrill note of hysteria in my voice"

I totally was wearing band aids that day, I'm not a complete masochist. I just play one on my blog. Heh. I think that joke is a riot, so obviously I have caught the bug that has half my office out sick. It's very inconvenient really because we're short staffed and the illness has caused my brain to go missing and really we need all the working brains we can get. It took me an hour and a half to get all the crews out this morning. We were hemorrhaging money while they dicked around with their schedules and I want very much to strangle them all. How do you say that in spanish? I'll have to look it up.

I'm trying extra hard not to cave to stupid sugar snacking today. Yesterday I was a bit stressed and I bought myself A. coke and 2. a bag of double chocolate milanos for lunch. I make very bad choices when I am pressured, choices that make me feel terribly ill as much as choices that make me fat. It's not smart. I am a smart free zone at the moment. I tried to give my cookies away but my guatamalan boyfriends have developed a sensitivity to taking things they know are/were mine. I think it's probably my fault because they offered to cook me meat a while back and uhm, obviously, I couldn't partake and it was difficult to explain. Thank christ I'm a vegetarian actually because as sweet as they are they don't hold with the very american values of saran wrap and refrigeration and eating meat that sat out for a week would probably kill me. Not to be a big fat snob about it or anything.

The boyfriend is working late all week so I have a week's worth of dates with my new book. I'm very excited about it and he's excited about eating all the things I'm going to learn how to make so it's going to be a good week. I marinated a steak that almost made him cry last night, imagine what I could do with, like, training.

big, heavy, copper colored happiness!

It's beautiful, Thank you!

welcome to sarcasmville, population: you

Today was craptastic for no particular reason. It was one of those bermuda triangle sort of days where situations and conversations wander too close to the epicenter of evil and go all to hell. People were saying and doing things that were completely insane and out of character and seriously friday the 13th is over. Furthermore, I hereby swear that if one more person says to me "it's not my problem" I will kill them and it will be just. My anger had nothing to do with my boss, who was home sick and sounded genuinely to be dying, every one else was just being a wanker...technical term. Maybe I'm expecting too much of 42 year old men who mow lawns for a living, maybe the problem is me and I need to accept that the white male empowerment of lawn maintenance providers is righteous and omniscient.

Ooh, grumpy! I'm feeling better actually. Matt had a poo of a day too so we grrr'd at each other over dinner and I think we both feel better. If it wasn't raining I'd be jogging...which I'm totally in love with. Not only am I enjoying my new shoes but I've spent a small fortune at iTunes and my mornings rock now. Pun totally intended. The one hitch is that my new running shoes are covered in blood...which is more "disgusting" than "hitch" actually. The heel support is just a little higher than my old shoes and it's rubbing me the wrong way. Again, pun totally intended. You know you've reached runner status when you draw blood and are in pain and keep running anyway. Matt is very proud. I'm proud too. There's a very special something about going from professional ass sitter to one who enjoys running, on purpose. I love calling myself a runner, I should totally make a t-shirt...dude.

"para hacer galletas?"

I wore my new running shoes this morning and it was awesome. They're so squishy and bouncy and make me want to run all the time. Once again I'm faced with the reality that tools are important when it comes to exercise and to deny myself the right things is counter-productive. My old running shoes are perfectly clean and neat and shiny and it makes me think that I don't need new ones even though I've been running/walking in them for a year and a half and the soles are done used up. All the experts say you need new shoes for running pretty frequently and seriously, it makes a difference. They have like knowledge and expertise, that's what makes them, you know, experts so I should stop thinking I'm so smart and just do what I'm told.

Last time I got all bloggy with it did I mention that I haven't stood on a scale in ages. I actually had to vacuum it this weekend. Sad. I have noticed that my pants are getting a little looser, especially in the ass...which as you know I HATE. Why must the ass disappear, cup size man...I want to lose a cup size dammit...or at least the waist...I'm a little melancholy about the loss of the junk in my trunk. I'm going to need a junk implant, it's going to be embarrassing.

How do you follow that, I don't even know where that thought came from. I haven't had to pack chocolate for the day in ages. I can totally tell how well things are going by how much chocolate I eat in a week. This week has been almost completely chocolate free so it must be pretty good. I always think it's sort of a cop-out to let your hard work go to hell because things in your life go badly but damn is it easier to do the right things when you don't want to jump off a bridge. We humans are very complex.

No puedo comerlo

This weekend I spent a lot of time with my south of the border buddies. Did you know that you can put half a pound of sugar in a gatorade and not end up in a coma...I had no idea. I would have thought coma was the best possible conclusion to drinking that much sugar but apparently he lived to work another day. They buy and eat a hell of a lot of simple carbs, I really do worry. It makes me feel like a health nut american to question their purchases.

Our big trip to walmart was hilarious. We drove by a "mexican restaurant" which the kids from guatemala thought was really funny and probably with good reason considering mostly it's a quick-e-mart. I keep hearing them say, in english, "mexican restaurant" and giggling. You know they were doing the guatemalan equivalent to air quotes. I told my boyfriend about it later and he was like "but it's good, if you want a burrito or something" which is a violent defense for someone who has never eaten a burrito in his life. I guess he's a little sensitive about his hometown, que pobrecita!

One of the boys wanted to learn how to bake a cake, so we did and it was adorable. The other boys gave him a hard time but I told him every girl wants a man that can cook and then we had rapt attention. He was in charge of the mixer which I think he really liked. Remijio is officially my new favorite, we're making cookies next week.

Is it obvious that I have totally stopped blogging about anything fat related? Oh, it is? Ok, good. I'm still running every morning (and hey, yay for new shoes!) and telling myself I need to do Pilates without actually doing it and eating salads and blah blah but really not much has changed. I'm still a twelve and most of the time I think I look just fine. I have to remind myself of my best friend's wedding and how I really don't want to be chub-a-lub in those pictures but really that doesn't help me much. I have to find enough will to try harder without putting myself under the kind of pressure that makes you put half a pound of sugar into your gatorade. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

"it smells funny"

That's actually the most accurate Buffy quote I've ever used for a title. Notice the blandness. Anyway, the other day I came home and there was a big ass t-bone sitting on top of the trash. Where oh where did that meat come from...I asked myself. I'm usually very into my meat purchases, especially ones with coupons on the packages and it was really weird that I forgot about a big ass t-bone. I left it in the trash because it looked pretty gross but it was a serious meat mystery. Matt came in a little while later and solved the mystery for me. Someone...the someone who buys the groceries...done left the steak in the potato bag and left the potato bag in the cupboard...for a week and a half. You know you're out of touch when you have gobs of flesh sitting around your house rotting and you don't even notice.

To point out the obvious, I've been really distracted lately. I'm working a lot and things are going well and my spanish is coming along nicely. The boys almost talk to me now since I brought them all my movies that have spanish surround sound and explosions. They put the Bourne Identity on immediately and then switched to harry potter, they're just so cute!

third nipple

You know your bug bites are disgusting beyond the call of duty when your dearest friend at work says "that one looks like a third nipple". It was a very gross day. My favorite part was when one of our biggest strongest men came in to show my work bff his bug bites and she said "you think that's bad...check out amy" and then he did and he smiled for the first time all day. He was really happy about my pain and burning and I was happy to bring him some joy. And he didn't even see it at it's worst because the calamine really dulled the redness and the pulsating. It still looks like a communicable disease. Matt very gingerly applied caladryl for me and he said "oh good, it's oozing" so YAY for that.

And you know, mine wasn't the worst day because one of my guatemalans had to explain to the one english speaker how he needed a shot in the ass. And then they had to explain it to all the white women at work starting with the lead designer. I can't imagine having to tell all those people you need a shot in the ass and could they maybe help you out with that. We actually figured something out and went to walmart and got some vitamins and hopefully that works because I really don't want him to be sick. I really don't. I want everyone to be well and happy and YAY and if the guys at work who work in the bugs all day want to revel in my pus, well then so be it. I can roll with that.

There's something really satisfying about pushing things through a wood chipper.

But it makes you tired as hell. Tired like there aren't words for. And also thirsty. And maybe a little bit whiny. I swear thought that I only just started whining, now that the work is done. It really was awesome exercise, god knows I wouldn't exercise all day if we didn't have a garden full of trees to deal with. Seriously though, next time we're burning that shit.

My guatemalans made me buy sneakers this weekend. They made me go to shaws, which is next to reny's, which is where I found two pairs of squishy running shoes which I didn't need to buy. I mean, I do kind of need new running shoes but I don't need two pairs and now the guatemalans think I'm a big spender. Actually, that was the mexican guy who made me show him my purchases and almost died after seeing the price. I almost killed my workers with shopping. You know you have a problem when...

I feel justified in having one new pair of running shoes because I've actually been running. Every day this week, and last week but not so much today because of the "oh my god" chipping. I'm quite proud of myself actually. I always feel like I'm not exercising enough, castrating myself for just running and not doing pilates and kickboxing and also I really need to vacuum. I'm deciding to be proud of all the things I do accomplish instead of loathing myself for all the things I don't do. So, YAY for running.

Right now I'm too tired to type. Everyone should have a chipper in their home gyms, and a forest.

No quiero hablarte

At college one of the cutest, sweetest girls in the whole world lived across the hall from me. We called her Pooh, and she was cute and sweet and also had a weird fixation with the state of New Jersey but, you know, whatever...we loved her. She was up for anything and would do anything for you. She was a freshman when I was a junior and living in my big, fancy single room. We used to do pathetically lazy things like IM to each other across the hallway, or call each other from one side of the concrete wall to the other. On one very special occasion I called Pooh to come to my room, I told her I needed help with something. Dutifully she came over and when she got there I asked her to hand me the notebook by my door so I didn't have to get up. She did it before realizing that I was being an asshole and then we had a stuffed animal fight. It was awesome. So, of course, I had to do it again. That scenario played out a few times...Ring Ring "Pooh, I NEED you"..."can you find my remote?" enter pillow fight stage left.

I'm not particularly proud of being the upperclassman that makes freshmen do menial jobs even if they do happen to be in love with New Jersey. I feel I have grown in to a decidedly helpful and kind person. So, from a point of pure belief in my own perfection I tell you that I absolutely will not do anyone else's bitch work at my job. I am an assistant. ALL of my work is bitch work and I really don't need any more. Long story short, I had a grumpy gus of a day. Someone told me that they're putting me on the schedule for the register so someone can go home early a few days a week. No, no you're really not. If I wanted to work on a cash register I would work at walmart and not have to take my insane ass job home with me every night.

The very difficult part is that this someone is the same someone who asked her previous co-worker (the one who recently quit with no notice) to get her a tissue from across the room (no fucking wonder). I'm not going to be that person. I have worked very hard to be what I need to be for this job and not a. go insane or b. kill anyone, while actually impressing my post-it note counting boss. I'm not doing your job too, I'm just not.

This person has told me I need to work more hours to help her, no...you're not my boss. This person has asked me to empty buckets for her...yeah, I didn't go to college to empty buckets. This person actually gives me more trouble than my actual boss, which is impressive beyond words and has made me cranky. I just got to thinking this job was do-able. RATS!

"You exercise!?"

How do you say "ouch" in spanish? Our trip to the grocery store went very well, except that my Mexican boyfriend thinks I'm a fat ass. He asked me what time I had gotten up that morning (amongst other weird questions, but whatever...there is the cultural divide) and I said "six, to run" only in spanish and he looked at me like I was lying. He was totally thinking "how could you be that fat and exercise?" only in spanish. I know he was. What he actually said wasn't so bad, no, really it kind of was and if he spoke better english I'd have called him on it but I'm desperate for them not to think I'm mean so I didn't. I guess he could have meant it in a "you're so trim and lovely, why do you need to exercise?" sort of way but the shock was rather too much for that sentiment.

I've learned that the boys buy pepsi and cornmeal and have now realized that I speak more spanish than I let on and are much more careful about what they say around me. The older guys did their own thing and bought real food, like fish, and vegetables. They all went to the dollar store and bought them out of galletas (cookies) which are probably made of sawdust and pig fat but affordable. It solves one problem because I wasn't sure what to do about one of their birthdays coming up and now I know all I have to do is bake cookies and I'll be even more of a goddess than I am now, and they'll all understand how I can run every day and still be fat. Heh.

What else, what else is new? I'm still learning how to use my phone and it's great fun and also I dropped it already. I expect Sugarcrook to be timing it's demise so I might as well come clean. The canvas tote I've been using as a bag lately feel pretty hard in the home depot bathroom and pretty much the iphone took the brunt. It still works but my heart died a little. This is exactly why I can't have nice things. I'm the "your mother told you" poster girl. And also, you can't pay too much for a good pair of shoes.

"you look trim and lovely today"

Every chubby white girl should have a fan club of foreign laborers. Seriously. It's the best therapy ever. It's awesome. And also I'm so glad tomorrow is friday. All I have to do is everything I didn't get done this week and then take my spanish speakers to walmart...which will probably be very interesting and totally blogworthy. The gentleman who is the contact for the spanish speakers has taken to writing and calling me only in spanish...which is hilarious actually. I need to learn to say "tricky" in espanol. I did say I was practicing and now I'm being practiced upon. Funny, funny Guatemalans.

I played with my phone all day like a big geek and it was awesome. I love it, I'm a macbot now. I have apple on the brain, in the blood, and look I'm totally still being a geek. And baking brownies. I had to bribe my designer in to work tomorrow with chocolate. I need her that bad, I need her baking brownies bad. Our relationship is built on chocolate and there's nothing wrong with that. Love, sex, chocolate, apple...what more can one ask for?

Oh, God

I'm activating the iphone right now. It tingles.

That's how we roll.

I haven't hit the scale in a very long time but I have been hitting the trail with a vengeance and all those 12's I bought for the job in february are starting to get loose again. Which is great, I wish I had some ridiculously low number to go with it but too big pants is great. I haven't been feeling super diety which is probably pretty good for the weight loss actually. I'm so busy at work that I hardly think about whatever I brought for lunch, it's just fuel to get the next project done. The walking and running really helps with the stress, I want to run all the time to get out and think and clear my head and it burns calories! Yay!

But anyway, size 11. I'm making that up but it makes me feel happy to think my sizes are dropping. It's the fantasy clothing size in my head that doesn't really exist. Really I still have some 12's that don't fit and some 10's that fit fine. The numbers are driving me crazy which is why I've decided to make them up, and so 11. Who needs reality anyway, totally over-rated. A person based in reality wouldn't buy an expensive ass cell-phone the same week she bought an expensive ass camera but god it's a wonderful week. Apparently I love stuff so much more than I thought, it's shameful. I'm ashamed of my love for these inanimate objects but OH SO HAPPY.

"tell them your mean, rotten boyfriend said to take it back"

That's a direct quote. He is watching me use it as a title and is now leaving to sharpen the chainsaw. It's very man vs. blog. The thing is that I bought an iphone yesterday. It would be exciting except that I am completely terrified of opening it. Mostly I just take it out of the bag and pet it, and then put it back. I went to at&t to browse new phones and somehow I handed over my discover card. The tempestuous love affair with Apple continues. The practical part of me can't help thinking it was a very, very stupid thing to do. Not fiscally responsible. Matt has been enjoying spreading the news and watching the shock and horror. The same girl who hoards coupons and stockpiles sale items bought a 400 dollar cell phone, it's a bit out of character and he's getting good mileage out of the situation. I simply can't decide what to do. On the one hand...oh my god is that a lot of money, on the other the phone is practically indestructible which is a definite bonus. Anyway, go ahead and write me and tell me I'm an idiot or not, I'd love the feedback.

On the fitness front I walked five miles this weekend. I'm tired just writing that. I feel really awesome about it. Last week was a long week and this week is going to be a long week and tomorrow I get to take my new guys grocery shopping. Quieres ir a al supermercado? I'm doing ok on saying things to my spanish speakers, but I'm officially crap at understanding them. I put some spanish language films on my netflix, I need to practice listening to native speakers. Funny how my 99% wasp high school didn't prepare me for real life spanish speaking. Can't blame the school for what you choose not to learn though so it's either fly to spain or watch some spanish language films. I have three coming tomorrow and one features a triple same sex marriage ceremony...spanish hijinks are sure to ensue! I just hope they don't teach me to say anything untoward, I'm pretty sure they already think I'm crazy. (Which by the way is totally not my fault, there's some problem with my car's security system that causes it to bark like a dead seal every time I unlock it and the barking makes me growl and it's more or less like a day at the zoo only with a sunroof and a cd player and witnesses. It's embarrassing to say the least.) Wouldn't it rock if they all had blogs?

Ogled in three languages

It's probably better that I don't know exactly what they're saying because I'm a much more compassionate soul without all the details. I'm trying to think of it as flattery actually. It's not so horrible to be admired. Funny to think I have to lose more weight to get less attention. The skinny women at work get noticeably less attention than me. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it was sort of peaceful to be under the radar and if anything that idea makes me want to lose more weight. I should anyway, the snapping of my knees with all the stairs is getting a bit old. I've started carrying my athletic tape, which in pure Amy fashion I have been referring to as my athletic support, incase my knee bothers me. I'm not entirely sure that dropping a few more pounds will make all the difference but it can't hurt and if vanity alone isn't enough of a motivator, health might just work.

I ordered a new camera today. I went with Pentax but I chose the K20D, a medium fancy. Exactly 5 minutes after I placed the order my cell phone broke. Not that these things are very related, it's just that I might not have spent the money knowing I would need to spend even more. It turns out the contract ends in a few days and I can get a new one relatively cheap but geez, I need one thing that doesn't fail five seconds before the warranty is up. I am cursed with the electronics, I hope that doesn't bode ill for the camera. Maybe I should google digital sorcery and make a talisman out of motherboards and micro chips. Anyway, I can use all my lenses with it and it promises to be awesome. I have a ton of photos to take for work and so I can write it off and keep files of the photos for a portfolio and it'll rock. I'm pretty sure.

early o'clock

I'm awake super early today and it's not to exercise. Which bums me out actually. I'm bummed for lots of reasons because I have to go in and help the crews get set up this morning...being one of the few that can say more than cerveza en espanol. I am loathe to get to work early because my boss will be all confused and think I'm working 60 hour weeks like many of the other salaried people. I'm not. There are few things that keep this job worth my while and if I end up working those kind of hours I'll be making the same money as I would at McDonalds. And I'd have zero time to exercise and that's just not an option.

So, I'm awake and I'm not running and it's pissing me off. That's my post today. I guess that's better than eating lard and not running and watching daytime tv. Have to keep it relative I suppose. It's been sort of great to be so busy at work. My legs are killing me from the stairs which is awesome and I have no time to think about food at all. The problem there is that I come home starving then bad decisions get made. Like super pretzels. One of the girls at work got me into these awesome microwave pretzels and I hate her. I don't buy snack food for a reason. If I have to make it myself I'm much less likely to eat a ton of it and actually get around to making it, home cooking + laziness = instant diet. No more super pretzels for me. Nothing that comes bulk frozen can be meant for a life of healthy moderate balance.

"como estas?"

I often wonder how it came to be that I am the expert on so many things at work. Computers, banks, money, advertising, all sorts of things and some of them make sense. Today I am the expert on speaking spanish and hot damn, that sucks. We have 6 very nice, probably, spanish speaking workers starting today and wow do I wish I had listened to Senor Quesada in the 8th grade. He was Cuban and he had excellent clothes and wore sunglasses instead of a scowl like all the other teachers did. Damn it, why do I remember his wardrobe and not the verb forms we repeated over and over.

I have promised the guys I'm going to practicar a ayudar them which is about the most relevant thing I have in my lexicon. Donde esta el bano? only takes you so far when explaining landscaping. Wish me buena suerte.

"I don't have time for bondage fun"

Blogging from work, big no no. Fortunately my boss has no idea what a blog is. I'm super busy but it's been so long and I hate being a slacker. Things have been crazy with the traveling and the untraveling. There's a lot of work to do when you get home from a long weekend, dishes and cooking and baking and a boyfriend on the brink of starvation. He did a good job of cooking for himself this weekend, only the chairman of the meows ate all his food. Apparently she's quite a thief when I'm gone, who even knew she liked mashed potatoes.

I got my stimulus money, so that's exciting. It's camera buying money, I just have to find time to place the order. I was planning on saving it and being a grown-up but whatever. I hardly ever have money I don't have a plan for and I wanted to buy a camera anyway so why not shop shop shop. Normally when I go to visit my friends it's a spending extravaganza but everyone is between jobs or saving for school and it was a very calm weekend. Except that Frederick is totally full of yuppies, they were everywhere like a plague of blond average white people. I don't care how much money you have, you can't buy a personality.

I just got back from the dentist and I have no cavities. No drilling sans novacaine this time, thank god. I think I lost something of my apathy toward pain recently because this weekend we were discussing getting new tattoos (the Hood H from the old days, weren't we going to do that Sarah?) and I just felt so, well, OW about it. I don't remember ever considering the pain before. Probably I was too cool, or young, or stupid or all of the above. Now it's like, I already paid them and gave them four years of my life...I don't know that I want to mark a symbol they don't even used anymore on my skin with a needle. But I could change my mind, who knows. Next week I might be all over the masochism.

Animal Magnetism

There is a woodpecker trying to eat the side of my metal house. What's up Woody? I think he has an eating disorder. So, the antibiotic of promised puss removal. I'm taking it faithfully and it's making me want to die. Actually I feel better and worse, is that weird. I felt well enough to run this morning which was weird but it makes me really nauseous, which might be good for the diet so maybe it's all aces.

I guess I hadn't realized how sick I was because the antibiotics are making a huge difference. It actually felt good to exercise this morning as opposed to every other morning the last few weeks. I ignore a lot of the bad things that go on with me, sickness...broken knees, and then I'm always surprised how nice it feels when I get medical attention. I'm such a moron, I drive myself crazy.

"ooh, tiny"

I have petite ear tubes anyway. Lucky me. The doctor was a little frightened of my ears, she kept saying "it's dark in there" like she was starring in a slasher film instead of a medical office. Anyway I have pill the size of Zimbabwe and a slim hope to be not deaf soon so it's all good. And I bought myself a pity coke because I'm sick. And I felt like it. So there. And seriously if coke can eat rust it can probably solve my puss problem. Sexy!

I'll try for a quiet rage"

It's been a while since I posted last, I've been busy dying of an ear infection. Can an ear infection actually kill you or does it just drive you slowly mad? So far crazy and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. It's not horrible pain, just really annoying. It's kept from being able to sit down and concentrate but it hasn't kept me from rearranging my furniture. It's amazing how moving your things around makes your house so different. I moved kitty's favorite chair and I'm expecting a furry rebellion any minute. I replaced it with Matt's childhood desk to keep me typing properly until I find something or Matt builds something or whatever. I spent the whole weekend getting organized and also baking cupcakes. I'm going away again this weekend so I have to set up the house for bachelorhood. Cupcakes and frozen pizza, his is a glamourous life.

I'm going to visit some friends before one of them moves coasts. I can't wait. To celebrate I'm going to pick up a new camera. I'm thinking the Pentax K10d. I love my ancient film Pentax and the digitals have great reviews. If anyone has one I'd love to hear what they think of it.

I'd love to know how many of you are camera freaks and filmmakers. Some nice folks at Lipton contacted me recently about a new promotion that could win one of you a fancy new bike. I'm a tea freak so you know I was all over it. They're promoting their new white tea, which I love. I'll be posting about the details soon, as soon as I can think and hear again. It's hard to work on your blog with your head exploding from the inside out. More tomorrow with antibiotic goodness.

Cold hard truth

It's true dammit! Some one finally discovered facts to prove that women lose weight more slowly. Bless them.

High water

That title works on two levels because I totally ordered the pasta alfredo and ate it all but also because it's raining cats and poodles and I think my boyfriend drowned. Probably not but he's still outside sandbagging the waterfall in our driveway and if he's not actually drowned he's definitely grumpy. The good news is the well is full. Heh.

The good part about that dinner being over is that it's the last time we'll be eating out for a while. I'm placing a ban. Not only does it cost money and make me fat but also I have a deep desire to get my cooking on. Since I bought the new knives of much panting I've been doing a lot more cooking. It's amazing how the right tools make everything more fun. Tomorrow I'm stir frying some portabellas and I can't wait to chop them up. My old knives complained about chopping mushrooms, I didn't realize how very very bad they were until I wrote that, they were total chopping wimps.

Which leads me to me being a wimp. I'm not doing so hot with the getting back on track. The food nonsense is over, at least in the way of obligations, but I haven't lifted a finger toward sweating on purpose. My time gets all eaten up by things like dooce posting video of Prince covering Radiohead and playing with my new Adobe Photoshop and generally screwing around. I'm a bad, bad Amy. I need a time out. Actually I need a schedule engraved on some granite plinths for my living room. It has become obvious to me that I'm not going to fall into some swimsuit edition exercise routine by accident so I'm scheduling it. I can't be trusted to make it a priority so I'm going to schedule an activity a day and cross it off like a to do list until I get back into the swing...or a swimsuit, whatever. This lounging around waiting to get skinny is pathetic and sad. No one ever wasted into nothing watching tv and eating creamsicles. I don't know why I have to keep inventing the wheel on this crap, it's getting very old.

"When a tan loves a woman"

I'm baking cookies for the boyfriend and I as I selected my ingredients I thought to myself "why not try the Ghirardelli recipe?". Don't ever do this. The cookies are amazing but the dough is even better and you'll find yourself drowning in creamed butter and that's a bad thing. I'm coming off a bad food week plus some and I really think my plight would be lessened if these cookies didn't exist.

Last week was sort of rotten. Rotten in the way that there was a lot of leftover pizza and eating out and then more leftovers. This weekend was no different and even though I sort of feel like crap it's hard going back on salads and also we have to go out tomorrow night AGAIN! Can't begrudge a birthday but all of these "issues" and having to eat out and whatever stem from doing things for others and I guess I'm feeling a little thin. Ironic. I did go to trader joes while I was home and bought lots of exciting fruits and cheeses and I did have a very fabulous salad for lunch today, it's just work. Which is completely stupid. I hate myself for thinking that eating a healthy salad is work and microwave mac and cheese is so much easier except that eating it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. Anyway I ate my salad and I didn't pack any chocolate for work and this is a one day at a time deal and I'm ordering a damn salad tomorrow come hell or pasta alfredo.

In other news, I'm very disappointed in Sweden. I truly believed that I would go to IKEA and find the world's best desk and then I would dance with joy (and burn some calories). It didn't happen that way. I got some adorable roasting pans and plant pots and pretty much spent 60 dollars on things I really didn't need just to fill the desk shaped void in my heart. It was that sad. I'm still not over it. Clearly. The lack of perfect desks has forced me to draw something for the boyfriend to build. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I'm in an I want it now phase of my home decorating and what with the job and all it's hard for him to bow to all my demands in a timely manner no matter how many beatings. What can you do?

It's supposed to be "a vague disclaimer"

And also I think I used it before as a title so that's two no-nos and all in one post. Whoops! Apparently Best Buy keeps an eye out for mentions on blogs because someone stopped by after yesterday's post. Dear Best Buy scoper outer, the computer might be fine now but can I tell you about my DVD player because that's still very broken and still very much only a year old and funny enough I bought it at Best Buy.

I keep accidentally telling people that I got my wedding dress. It's almost as good as the day I told those french speaking tourists that the breakfast place was up the block and a la guerre. Only an american will tell you to go to war to get breakfast. What I should have said is that the bridesmaid dress that Holly got for me arrived and it almost fits! All I need is a ton of exercise, 6 months of starvation and a bra made of titanium. I'm not that negative about it, it actually looks pretty good. I'm a little to short and a little too busty but I expected that. Heels and a good bra should do the trick, probably heavy metal won't be required. I do have 6 months to find a tailor and shoes and get that starvation thing underway.

I've been trying not to think about the wedding in terms of "oh my god, I have to be skinny by then" because since when is that helpful. That sort of pressure doesn't motivate me. I'm more motivated by milestones in exercise and feeling good eating right. Not to say that I've had any of that this week. We did spend about an hour lugging brush tonight which was excellent exercise, I can tell from the dying. It turns out that trees are heavy and if I had realized that sooner I might not have been so eager to help. We're clearing the area where the orchard will be (yay!) and it's an awful lot of work. It smells nice though, I'm dirty but pine fresh. We have another acre to do for the garden, it's worth at least 5 pounds. At least.

"a vague threat is nobody's friend"

Last night Matt and I had to go out to dinner for a birthday. We were late but grandma was thrilled anyway. It's been a busy week and the restaurant is right next to a grocery store so I dragged a sleepy Matt over for tea and broccoli, staff of life and all that. And who do we run into but my Jamaican workforce. Who were pleased to see me and displeased to see Matt and told him several times, with shaking fingers, that if he wasn't good to me they'd be happy to take over. Heh. Honesty is a virtue I suppose.

It will amuse some of you who know me and my computer skills well enough to learn that I am the technical wizard at my job. It's amusing all around, especially when there is some computer emergency and they call me to fix it. Yesterday we tried to set up password protect on a very important computer. My boss is generally afraid of computers and doesn't want anything to happen to them. This is why we were passwording it in the first place only when I tried to set up a simple screensaver log on window it said there was already a password. There are some things I can do on the Mac that require a password so I tried to get the evil like satan windows vista machine to give it up and make me enter a password...without logging off of very important computer. I mentioned this to the primary user who said "I know what to do" and logged off. This is where the funny comes in because we didn't have the password. We entered every possible and whoops, nothing. I had to call the evil as satan geek squad who couldn't possibly help me over the phone and suggested I take the entire computer to Best Buy, have them back it up and then wipe it clean and start over. Help desk my ass. That's not helping. "Oh, you cut your finger...let's amputate and see if it grows back". What the hell kind of tech support is that? This would be the point where my head exploded because you do not tell your boss you have to wipe the computer clean after trying to set up a password. It's also the exact point when my boss ambled in on some other errand and said "I didn't mean for this to be so hard..." and wandered away again without really understanding that the computer was moments away from being a paperweight. Thank god, or buddha, everybody.

I sent some frantic emails to some very kind people and was in the process of creating a re-set disc from the locked computer's technological twin when they got the password...the very password the computer told me it couldn't accept because there was already a password. If I wasn't so relieved I would have run over it with a tractor. Seriously, it was an Office Space moment waiting to happen. At some point we have to do the same thing to the other half of the pair but we're not logging off of that bastard...not ever. And I'm making 7 re-set discs and I'll wear them like talismans and also I'll go to church that day and do the rosary wearing a hair shirt while I write a big fat tithe check. Desperate times, desperate measures. Even though my new iMac sometimes quits adobe the very second I have the photo perfect and that sometimes makes me cranky, I'll forgive it eternally because it's not a freaking Dell Vista piece of crap. It's important to count one's blessings, I think.

"I don't like skinny women"

I'm in love with a boy at work. Not only did he say, at 22, that he's definitely younger than me but today he said he prefers...err...rounder women. Could he be any more endearing? If anyone reading lives in Maine and has a fondness for Magic the Gathering players write me and I'll set you up. It's wrong on all sorts of levels but I love days at work when the bitterness isn't mine. I seem to have successfully put it all in a box, at least for now, and it's much better for the body and soul. I'm very much at peace right now and trying to get my own things in order. Some of that involves buying things like desks and computer programs and plane tickets which does make me a little nervous with the spending but I need to live my life my way eventually.

I need a workspace at home and I'm completely in love with Adobe and I really want to go to BlogHer this year but mostly I need a desk before my arms fall off. I have adult things to do like work and file and I need a desk damnit! so I'm getting one. It's harder than I thought because I don't want some cheap piece of crap, it's time to start buying furniture I like instead of furniture I can easily afford and also it has to fit in my house. Pretty much I have to get to IKEA and make a decision. It's time to have an office and get organized. I'm trying very hard to get things together and move forward and yadda yadda yadda. Be a grown-up is my theme for the year, 2008 is the year of maturity and also a lot of shopping. Computers and programs and desks and some medium fancy kitchen knives that make me tingle all over.

I hate being a spender but it's true that you can only deny for so long and some things add to the quality of your life more than they add to the clutter and I really love those knives. I want to go chop something right now, if I could chop and type I would. Sugarcrook pointed me to a knife book a while back and I've been meaning to get a new set for ages. The more research you do on knives the more you want to spend but I'm not that comfy so I bought a cheap set of J. A. Henkels at Target. I keep thinking that if I'm this hot and bothered over the trailer park cousins of the super excellent knives I'll want to marry the real thing. I have something to save for again as soon as I buy my new office set-up. Goals are a good thing right?

Fool's Energy

On day one of babysitting my dad asked me if we needed any groceries and I gave him a list and on it was coke. He brought me a case. According to the number of cans I brought home, I drank 5 in three days. Sad, sad, sad. I'm very tired and I really don't think the soda helped me keep up with the children, neither did the cookies or the pizza for breakfast. I gained two pounds over three days of babysitting. You know that saying "an inability to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part", I didn't plan and I ate like it was an emergency and it wasn't. Clearly my dad would have brought me anything I wanted and I didn't ask for salad and fruit. I have to go back next weekend for a birthday and there's another birthday dinner on tuesday, it's going to be a long week of walks and salads and cake mixed in.

The children wore me out completely. Three days have never passed so fast in all my life. I knew going in it would be hard and I should count myself lucky that they're not the sort of kids who cry over being with babysitters. Maybe it's different when it's family, I don't know. I wish I had thought of more fun stuff to do, mostly we played in the dirt and then blew bubbles with dish soap bubble stuff (get dirty and then play in soap, I'm a genius).

I'm finding it hard to sum up my weekend. I had all these grand schemes of writing and being brilliant but it turns out that all of my sister's neighbors have passwords for their wireless networks, bastards, and also I spent every minute the children weren't awake cleaning up noodles and cookie slime and sleeping myself. I brought some netflix to watch and didn't even get close. Instead I have every line of Dora Saves the Mermaids lasered on my brain. Not that Dora was all bad, there was an island with pirate piggies and one of them had a peg leg and I really wonder who ate it because pigs that solve problems by dancing the conga probably don't have raging sea battles. Mmmm, barbecue.

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I have lots to do so obviously I'm blogging it

I bought a very cheap dvd player yesterday. I feel conflicted about it but I'm going away this weekend and I'm taking the computer and someone has Cannonball Run to watch while I'm gone and it would be cruel to deny him. And also it was 30 dollars and it'll probably last till I die given the current state of things. It might be the best thing I ever bought, so I'm conflicted but full of hope. I have a lot to do today to get ready, I'm leaving tonight to babysit for the weekend. I'm feeling stressed about getting ready for the trip which I'm sure will be very amusing in hindsight of events to follow. I am forever in awe of my sister, I only have a cat and I'm struggling getting out the door on time.

The very bad thing is that I should be walking right now. I mastered no chocolate last week and this week I added move your ass, so I've been taking a 2 mile walk every morning. Until today because I left so much undone last night. Obviously I'm not doing it now because I'm very clearly blogging, one must prioritize. I felt this need to document the walks and how they didn't kill me incase I'm not inclined to start again on Monday. Getting those two miles in makes me feel like I have something to be proud of for the rest of the day and then I don't have to worry about whether or not I get in other exercise at night...which is quite difficult lately. I'm sure the children will keep me running this weekend, and if the weather's nice we'll be playing and going for walks and if I didn't still have to pack I'd be feeling very optimistic right now.

Slim Mints

Almost exactly a year ago I bought a new dvd player. I scrimped and saved and checked consumer reports and then went to Best Buy and paid 200 dollars for a fancy dvd player which holds five discs and has five speakers and five is really the magic number here because it died exactly that many days after the warranty ended. Ironical. It's not completely fair to say it's "dead". It's quite rude of me I'm sure because the radio still works and who doesn't need the radio feature on their dvd player to work, radio is a very special feature after all and clearly it's not dead dead if the radio works. AARGH! This is a pirate growl moment if ever there was one.

I'm pissed about the dvd player. I've lived here for 4 years and I've gone through 4 dvd players and that's just not right. The money, the waste, it's very annoying. I purposely sprung for the fancy reliable one (consumer reports approved people!) so as not to have to replace it in exactly a year. I'm not sure what to do now. Matt thinks I stress them with my use and I think I'm cursed or maybe I kicked a puppy in my last life but I think the fact that karma is targeting only the dvd player is a little bit specific for a force of cosmic balance. Probably I overuse it.

I like noise in my house and I don't have cable so I play movies or tv shows on dvd pretty much all the time. I hang with Hyacinth while I'm cleaning and I watch Firefly while I'm baking. Sometimes I listen to music but at heart I'm a tv addicted dork and I admit it freely. The player broke this weekend and it's been really quiet. I played some vhs tapes and it was like watching cave paintings being made. It was kind of nostalgic actually, like any minute your best friend is going to throw Rolos at you or put your underwear in the freezer. Anyway, dvd players in my house get a lot of use and I just don't know what to do. Complex electronics should not be disposable but I'm certain it will cost as much as a new one to fix the old one and god knows when it'll go down the drain again. Philosophic questions such as these require much thought and also snacks.

Which leads me to wondering if anyone else has been shocked by their girl scout cookies this year? To complain about one's girl scout cookies is to admit that one is eating them and I do. It's a regular confessional in here today except that I never did learn the rosary properly. Catholic insanity aside, the quality of our samoas and thin mints really sucks. Those are of course the only kind we buy and so I have no idea if Tagalong admirers are suffering or not. I hope not. It's very upsetting when 20 years of snacking memories are wiped away by a single box. Girl scout cookies are so much more about the longing than the actual product but this year the longing is dead like my dvd player. I grilled my sister about her cookies and she said she didn't notice so I'm wondering if it's a Maine cookie conspiracy. Our cookies are pallid and sad looking and to prove their unworthyness we opened the box last week and they're still on the counter. They might as well be brussels sprouts. Next year I think I'll just write them a check. I never thought eating cookies would make me so depressed.

"This isn't a tupperware party, it's a little hard to plan"

I had to hide from a gay man in Target today. I've been thinking lately that my life is really boring and that nothing interesting happens to me anymore but that's not actually true. The true truth is that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been able to think and write and tell my stories. And then you find yourself ducking behind displays of discount lingerie and you think that life can't go on if you don't find a way to blog this. It was pure instinct to hide in the lingerie section, I figured of all the places in Target mr. scary gay man wouldn't visit, number one would be the discount panty aisle. In retrospect I shouldn't have been so afraid of anyone driving a yellow volkswagen beetle. The thing is that that parking space was mine. MINE. And it was a little unnecessary to park behind me and gesture like that. All I could think was "I hope Fried Green Tomatoes isn't his favorite movie". I guess he was more of a Steel Magnolias kind of guy because he didn't trash my car.

I ended up sitting with the doors locked pretending to look for something in my purse like a big sissy waiting for him to give up and park somewhere else and then ran like hell when he was gone. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER. And then I called my sister because who do you call when you're hiding out from a bitch slapping, hair pulling showdown in Target? What's the protocol for a situation like that? What would that handy yellow survival book say under parking lot scuffles? I bet it says hide in the panties, I'm sure of it. Anyway I didn't go to Target for underthings so I had to venture out to greeting cards eventually and did in fact spend the whole time peeking around corners just in case. I felt very exposed at the register, it was painful. Why is it in Target that there are five cars outside and yet the lines are fifty people long. Is that some kind of clown car Target shopping algebra equation that defies the laws of physics? It was very tense for me.

My whole shopping day was ruined with the tension. I walked through the gap and I kept thinking it was sort of a shame that we didn't end up having a fight in the parking lot and then becoming friends and then we could go shopping together. Probably that only happens in movies. In real life you get run over by a yellow volkswagen or maybe he says something hurtful about your shoes. It's been a very hard day.

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here"

Three days. I've passed the hump. Yay for me. I'm very impressed with myself. I'm also very impressed with the growth of our sprouts. Did I mention we're growing a farms worth of veggies in our kitchen? It's very exciting. It would be more exciting if there weren't still snow covering the stumps that are in the field that will be the garden but what can you do? Clearly we have a lot of work to do to further our gardening endeavors. We're growing lots of exciting things, soon we'll have fresh herbs and later we'll have fresh veggies and potatoes and also cat nip. I can't wait for summer, I really can't. Gardening is going to be good for me on so many levels, wonderful exercise and all that fresh food to eat. I'm growing tons of tomatoes to can so I can win my suzy homemaker award and prepare for the apocalypse at the same time.

It's a good thing we're growing all that cat nip because the warm weather is bringing the chairman a bath. It's not so much that she stinks, she's just musty. I don't understand it, I hardly ever keep her in a drawer. And also she bathes often of the tongue variety and there's no reason for her to be so dirty. My new friend at work has a Maine Coon too and hers gets a bath once a month. I think the Chairman would tunnel through a wall if she had a bath every month. Or kill us in our sleep. Hard call. Anyway, my cat stinks and she needs a washing and I'm worried about it. I know she could take me, she's buff and has a furry will of iron. If the blog goes cold it's because the fur overlord has taken me down, wish me luck.

day two

Another day chocolate free. It's not so much that I think chocolate abstinence is the way to go on forever. I agree that chocolate has benefits and I definitely don't think a life without chocolate would be worth living I just don't want it to be some stupid fat ass crutch that I can never get rid of. I'm going to try to go the week without bringing chocolate to work. I can hardly think of any days in March that I didn't have a candy attack and that's not good. I think every thing will go better for me when I take better care of myself and even if it doesn't I'll still feel better and have something to be proud of. I'm making it a goal to not pack chocolate for work this whole week. It's much easier to avoid it when I'm home, I feel much less under pressure.

In other news I have a dress for my best friends wedding. What more can you ask of a bride than to find, buy and ship you your very own clearance bridesmaid dress. Good service! It's not so much that I've been avoiding buying a dress for myself, it's just hard. She picked a size fourteen which should work well for altering. I hope anyway. It's the right color and the right price and I'm sure I'll be so busy bridesmaiding I'll hardly even register what I look like. Until I see the pictures. I think I need to accept right now that I'm going to think my arms are fat in every picture and just get over it because if I'm not willing to do push-ups every day until October there's no point weeping over the end result. Anyway, the dress deal is done unless it doesn't zipper which would really teach me a lesson about getting my act together. Now I just need shoes. Don't suppose she'll be up to mailing me those too...

along the lines of bill w.

I did not have any chocolate today, principally because I didn't pack any for lunch. I decided this weekend that I'm not going to let stress make me a big fat whiner so I'm taking control of the things I can. Pilates in half an hour and eight glasses of water and no chocolate and also flossing, what more can you do? We're not expecting tomorrow is going to be a good day and the last thing the designer said to me was to pack chocolate. Crap, I need something better for me to rely on for stress relief, like say exercise. I suppose chocolate every day is better than liquor but not by much when you're trying to get healthy.

Here's to a better week with better choices and less stress and hopefully not too much yelling. Positive thinking and planning all around and lots of tea to take the place of the pounds and pounds of chocolate I ate in March. Here's to April and less fatty goodness.

hope burns eternal

I'm finding it very difficult to gather myself for the, err, coming struggles. One minute I feel super confident and the next I just wish I could go back in time. I'm really trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and something positive will come of this but mostly I think I'm being punished for making a mistake. Which is very dramatic I know. I think the root of the problem is that I'm punishing myself. I stopped exercising, I stopped being a scrupulous saver and I started believing that maybe I could stand being belittled as long as it pays well. That's not taking charge of your life, in the traditional sense.

I have removed the rest of this, better to not be in the public view after all. Patience is a virtue.

Mini bagel my ass.

"you want me to admit I'm an asshole? Sign a statement swearing I'm an asshole?"

Today was a rough day and I don't want to talk about it. Which is obviously why I'm blogging about it. Speaking of things that make me cranky, we watched "who killed the electric car?" and it was very annoying. It's fascinating in that I had thought bio-diesel was the way to go but now I'm thinking plug-in hybrid and pretty much anything that doesn't put money in bush's pocket. Unfortunately battery only might not work here in the super cold, even bio-diesel isn't great in the sub-zero temps. Prius might be as good as it gets in the great cold ass north.

My jaw has been fused by stress for the last few days. Which strangely hasn't kept me from eating everything before me. I have no excuse, it's stress eating and you'll feel better if you eat this eating and pretty much stupid eating. I haven't gained any weight yet it's just depressing because I know I'm only eating because I'm grumpy. I used to snack at work because I was bored and somehow that was easier to put a stop to, have some tea and get over it. Now it's more difficult especially because I don't even keep a tea cup at work anymore. I even took my "personal" pens home so the business can't unduly profit from my used bics, that's how grumpy I am.

What to do, what to do. I'm searching the want ads and pulling out my pilates mat tomorrow. Yesterday I used my stepper and today I went up and down the actual stairs a hundred times...which has to count for something. I realized today that I really want to be running. It's probably a highly symbolic form of exercise for me at the moment, I want to jog and think and work out the GRRR. I thought the kickboxing would be good for that but it's sort of difficult to keep up with the routines when your mind is so busy. You really have to pay attention to what you're punching and kicking or you get all turned around and step on your cat. Fact. The thought of running is so freeing. If I wasn't ready to walk out on my job at any minute I'd totally buy a treadmill.

Clearly I'm editing this post the next day. It's become really difficult to think about normal things and god forbid write anything worthwhile when my brain is absorbed in thinking about how I made a big mistake and risks are bad and how will I feed the cat and pay the dsl bill if I quit tomorrow? Some days I think I can survive anything and some days I can't and clearly I'm going insane because all I can think about is post-it notes.

"The truth is there's always more down"

So, I want to say right now that I've worked pretty hard not to whine about the job lately. I'm trying very hard to be a grownup and accept responsibility for my decision and tough it out. There are two things I do every day now that I work where I work, prepare for a fight and pack chocolate for lunch. Today I offered some of my lunch chocolate to my work BFF and I mentioned how compelled I am to eat chocolate since I started this job. She said "me too, it's because we're abused". We're always discussing our plight: educated, employed white women in the free world. And then we laugh at our hypocrisy. In all honesty though, she's very concerned about starting her career at a place with such a shady reputation. I'm just annoyed to be treated badly, I don't really care about the impact on my career because I don't see my future as an administrative assistant. Maybe that's foolish of me but mostly I just think about the money so I'd put my bets on shallow over foolish.

Anyway, today I wasn't prepared for a fight. Every time I do my job I prepare myself to defend whatever I've done. For example, the printer calls and says you need to approve the proof before the catalogue can go to print. The catalogue getting printed is a priority of the boss' so you go to the printer and approve the print. There a few things the boss could say in this example. If you're very lucky he will be on the phone and will never notice you are gone. He could say "that was fast and efficient how you handled that errand, what a stellar employee I have here". He could say "I thought that was taken care of" and then you have to explain the process and he swears up and down that he's never had to do that before and it's probably true because a) he doesn't do it and b) I wouldn't explain it to him if I didn't have to either.

In today's real life scenario, the embroiderer came to deliver some samples. As the boss went down to talk to the embroider he said "I need an inventory of the shirts we have". I went to my office, tidied the project I was working on and returned to his office to do the inventory. We will be starting work in two weeks (unofficially), I presumed we would like to have our inventory complete before 30 employees arrive that need shirts so we can order what we need. Apparently I put the pre in sumed because my boss says to me that my taking on this project at this moment must mean that I have nothing to do and he'll have to take a look at my to do list. I wasn't prepared to argue with him, I just said I thought we'd like the inventory before we start work. He said he doesn't need it right now so why am I wasting my time on it. Like doing everything at the last minute is a work ethic I need to embody.

He also takes issue with the number of post-it notes I have on my "desk" (quotes because it's not a desk at all, it's a fucking counter and I just feel a need to moan about it) because he thinks they all represent unfinished projects. He used this against me today, it's one of his favorites. Mostly they're reminders and not very important. I have a running list of needed office supplies, I have a note to call a lady who is never home or has caller id which I would totally understand, and notes of his appointments to help me remind him. There is not one single half finished project note. I guess I should be glad that at least I know he doesn't read them. Which makes me wonder if he'll notice that I took all of my personal things home tonight. Not that I kept many there. I also grabbed my yogurt out of the fridge because if I'm quitting I'm going to need to ration that yogurt.

Tomorrow I have a worker's comp. conference. My chocolate buddy asked if I was still going when she saw me cleaning my desk and I said yes, I can always put it on my resume. Maybe I'll cool down enough tomorrow and remember the big fat check and find a way to take the abuse until I find something else. Right now I'm not sure it's worth it.