"the favorite of all my current bruises"

This morning I did some shopping for our fakesgiving dinner. Matt is calling it Festivus because apparently that's the only episode of Seinfeld he ever saw and it left an impression. I haven't hosted a dinner like this, ever, so it turns out I needed everything. If it was a real holiday with large and haughty expectations I'd be screwed. It turns out in addition to needing a meat thermometer and baster I don't have enough matching plates. I only have four chairs so I never thought the plates would be a problem and then we decided to add a fifth guest. I haven't solved that problem yet. I really wanted to find a reasonably priced not ugly plate sold in separates but it just doesn't exist and even I can't rationalize storing a set of 8 dishes forever that I'm not completely in love with. One person has to eat off of a salad plate while standing at the counter which is probably what Martha Stewart would do in this situation...that or put her head in the oven. I jest, I jest...she's immortal or something anyway...have you seen her skin?

I've been thinking about it and I can sew up a few more napkins that won't match but will be festive and I'll mix up the plates as best I can. I'm also debating about wine glasses. I don't have any but I bought some baby bottles of white just in case and now I'm thinking I'll have to hit up Goodwill and see what's available for the cheap and unprepared hostess. I feel a bit ridiculous buying something that we'll never use but will have to store FOREVER but I might feel worse serving wine in my mason jar glasses. CLASSY! If anyone has a better idea please let me know, not having the right dishes and glasses is pushing me over the edge. Funny I'm not that worried about the chair.

"I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity"

So, I no longer think my hair makes me look like a person who drains the blood of goats. Now I just think it looks like I write poetry in my parents basement and use too much eyeliner. I should just crash all the mirrors in my house because nothing drives me crazy like worrying over my hair. I am hot like fire after a long walk with the dogs. There is just enough crust on the snow to tire us all out in half the miles we used to walk. It's almost time for snowshoes and extra thick mittens and long johns. The mornings are actually very peaceful and wonderful and I'm really trying to enjoy them.

I've been doing a lot of cooking lately, including a 15 bean soup which is awesome and I totally recommend, and this weekend we're cooking a turkey. I should never have bought a turkey for thanksgiving in the first place but I did and then we didn't cook it so unless I want to lose 30 pounds of freezer space for another year I have to cook the sucker. I guess I'm trading the whole turkey for turkey soup and turkey leftovers and five more pounds on my ass. It has to be done and lesson learned...don't buy a whole turkey unless you're COMPLETELY certain you're going to cook the bugger in a prompt and timely manner. Someone remind me next year!

"Your performance as a disgruntled minion was spot on"

Long time no blog, eh? I don't know what to say, which I guess is sort of the whole point. Today I did some good things and some dumb things and I'm pining for this friday to be over. I started out dyeing my hair. I've had the highlights for awhile and I'm too poor to have them professionally fixed so I did a full color and it's VERY dark. Perhaps I shouldn't have left the color on for fifteen minutes when the box said ten. Perhaps when I'm doing permanent damage to my appearance I should pay more attention to the time. And perhaps I'll get used to it, I hated the highlights when I first got them too. Just because I made my hair look like I spend my nights sucking the blood of the living doesn't mean I won't grow to like it eventually. And then the pie.

Actually, technically I started ruining the pie yesterday. I thought it would be fun to make something for myself that I love on my birthday so I mixed up a pumpkin pie. It looked perfect when I took it out of the oven and yet...today...not cooked. So, I figured since it was already fucked why not try to re-bake it? Why not indeed? Actually I did it twice because the first second baking just wasn't bakey enough. It finally got set after the third baking and into the fridge it went and I just tried a piece and I do believe I neglected to put sugar in it. It tastes very much like gnawing on a raw but custardy pumpkin. On the one hand I don't need a pie but on the other that was a whole lot of work to turn to nada like that. I suppose on the one hand it's a diet friendly pie now, sad.

That's all the dumb things. Why do I always want to talk about the dumb things first? On the good thing list I finished two quilts and a baby blanket for christmas. I have a few more things to sew up for my sister's girls and some pretty little bags I might make for my girly bath stuff gifts. I'm almost in the spirit now that my birthday is over. It was a very peaceful day and there was ice cream cake and I received the gift of a semi-used crock pot and a zone free dvd player so I can watch all 6 ridiculous seasons of Shameless. And I didn't have to cook dinner which is possibly the best present of all. I guess since I have the vampire hair I don't have to ever cook dinner again...I can just make with the pillaging. Upside.

"How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face."

I'm enjoying an unexpected day off. It's been a long week and I feel like a total ass for whine about working all week. I've had a horrible fever and I've been so tired. I made some soup for the week but I'm starving all the time, I can't remembr are you supposed to feed a fever? I spent my worst day in a really cold house and I'm wondering how hard your body has to work to keep warm because it felt like feeding coal into a fire for steam. I'm telling myself that snacking all day was important to my health, pivotal even.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me but a fever is never a good sign. I was worried about sharing my germs with the children I was watching but their dad who is a medical researcher told me about new studies that say the more infections you come across as a child the less likely you are to develop diabetes. It's fascinating really. My sister and I were trying to remember how sick we were as kids to see how we'd fare. It makes me wonder how the development and use of antibacterials ties in with the whole thing but mostly I'm looking at my ouchies and hot hot face with more enthusiasm.

"You ran me over with a goddamn Buick."

Thanksgiving is over, the big trip is done and it wasn't so bad and now the long road to christmas. I have three quilts started and soon I have to start baking and I have this turkey to cook for no occasion at all. I had wanted not to do any christmas things until after my birthday but the sewing takes time and I don't want to leave it last minute. I have some projects I haven't even decided on yet so I really have to get my head screwed on. I have some patterns for cute clothes but I can't make a decision and if I don't choose soon the children will be unwrapping bits of fabric and sewing needles.

It's been a hundred years since I did any blogging and even now I've spent hours staring at the screen. My creativity is stunted lately. It was nice to have a few days off but it was so hard to go back to work today. I hate how lazy I'm getting, it's genuinely sad. My head needs screwing on in all directions.

moody head shot

spoons

remembering summer

sitting pretty

"I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since."

This morning I got my new glasses and now I can stand to look at the computer long enough to blog. I thought it was just annoying that the dog ate my glasses but it turns out it's also painful. I missed an opportunity to pick up new glasses at the beginning of the week and I've been paying for it because every afternoon my brain falls out of my head. I had no choice but to get them today because we're taking a trip and I can't bear to go on vacation blind. It's nice to see again but it seems I have a ton to do to get ready for this trip. This afternoon I'm packing up everything I own to take the dogs to pennsylvania. Every toy, every bone...it's all coming just in case the doggies look bored. I'm leaving no room for destruction of personal property that isn't my own. With my fingers crossed.

"I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."

We got our first egg and almost lost our first chicken in the same day. The excitement about the egg is pretty much diminished by the fact that the dogs chased a chicken almost onto the highway and I was pretty sure she was dead. Turns out while I was frog marching the dogs back to the house the chicken got back to her old self and hid under some brush. She seems to be ok but it could have been bad for all of them if they wandered into the road.

It's been such a long week. It feels like a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing, I was seeing everything in a bad light so one insane thing after another kept happening. I'm working hard on turning my thoughts around but it's very one day at a time. I'm stressed about thanksgiving which is practically a requirement for a traditional holiday experience. I have some sewing to do which is cathartic and a to do list a mile long which gives me a certain amount of pleasure to cross things off of.

In the meantime Hilary gave me a lovely blog award and part of the deal is I have to pass it on to 15 other newly discovered lovely blogs. FIFTEEN! That's a lot of love. It seems like the less I work the less I spend looking for great new blogs. I'm an internet hermit, it's pretty sad actually. So, instead of passing on the award I'm passing the buck big time and asking for recommendations of awesome new blogs to check out. For which there will be linkage and blog love and personal growth which is important for all of us.

Anyway, thanks Hilary. When I have a big beautiful list of new blogs I'll spread the award love to all!

"'I see you looking at my cookies..."

This morning has seriously sucked. Last night Knox wouldn't give up barking at the cat. We all got really crazy and angry and there was shouting because we are bastards. Knox had to go to the potty and we just wanted to sleep and I feel really bad about it. And in the midst of all that barking and shouting Jolie was chewing on something hard plastic...only she doesn't have any hard plastic toys. And I thought "gee, where did I put my glasses after our last potty run" and lo and behold Jolie was chewing on my glasses. My new glasses as of June, I think, are now completely ruined. It's only hundreds of dollars, NO BIG DEAL.

And then something happened with the furnace and Matt was swearing. And then he was swearing about his toast not being in the fridge, and then I went back to sleep full of fury. We just went for a walk, our usual morning run, only Knox went off to bark at a dead porcupine and got three quills in his nose. That's when my brain exploded. I lost my shit and no wonder the dogs didn't want to come to the screaming crazy woman. So I chased the scared, injured dogs all over the woods because I am a calm, assertive pack leader. And an asshole.

So, I'm full of guilt and anger and I'm tired and we're going to the park! To take a walk! Because it's SO beautiful out. If they were children I'd be buying them ponies.

"I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt."

I downloaded a ton of coupons from stonyfield farm and subsequently I bought a whole lot of yogurt. So yogurt is my main snack right now. Yogurt all the time! In the future I won't download every coupon I could possibly use so I don't end up buying an entire cart full of yogurt at once. Not that it's bad to eat yogurt all the time, I feel very morally superior with my fat free yogurt snacks.

When I was visiting my sister I picked up a really great tip about portioning, not that she meant to. Most of her dishes are plastic and disney themed so she served us cereal in her teacups. She apologized for it but I think it was brilliant. Cereal is one of the things that I definitely have visual problems with so using a tea cup for cereal is pretty much the best idea ever. She says they use them for ice cream too on occasion and that's a great idea too. The need to fill a bowl is so strong and it's so much easier to fill a tea cup. It might be the easiest most obvious thing ever but I think it's the kind of simple genius that makes healthy habits easy to follow. And also now I feel like I'm allowed to buy all the beautiful tea cups I want!

No smart ass title today, just a really beautiful blueberry field turning with the leaves!

"it's the guilt that puts the weight on"

Back from Halloween in New Hampshire with the kids. The dogs were so tired after all the cuddling and playing they could hardly walk when we got home. Dogs and kids had such a good time, we all did and it didn't occur to me until it was actually halloween day that I didn't buy any halloween candy save the bag of candy corn I dropped in the dish water. I think that might be a first for me, all the years past I have bought candy for kids that will never come and usually it's gone before the 31st anyway. I didn't even think about it this year. I've been fighting that "I have to have some!!!" feeling that comes up around foods like that. I keep telling myself I can get what I want whenever, I don't have to have anything now let alone a whole bag of it and that always works. If I have to have a snickers some day I'm just going to buy one, it's the "I shouldn't" and the "I'm not allowed to" that always get me in trouble...reminding myself it's not now or never is a great tool for me.

In that department I'm back to running tomorrow. I think my legs enjoyed the break but it'll be good to stretch them again. It's not that I can't run at my sisters house but it's more trouble with leashes and cars and I never get a good night's sleep there. I don't know how she functions with all the chaos. Actually, we discussed napping because naps are a priority for her and I've never been a good napper. We don't speak the same language when it comes to napping but then I get 8-9 hours of solid sleep a night and she doesn't so obviously she needs a nap all the time, and a tranquilizer. I really appreciate my bed and my house and my life after stepping into someone else's for awhile. Through all the sleeplessness I learned that jojo is a very good guard dog. She woofed relentlessly at my sister's husband who came in late afterwork and didn't meet the dogs properly. I tried to tell her he wasn't a burglar but she would have none of it, not yet twenty pounds of piss and vinegar.

Back to reality tomorrow and maybe I'll even weigh myself just for kicks. In the meantime, a very cute song my sister got stuck in my head...

"I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times."

The woofs and I just finished our second awesome long jog for this week. It's amazing how much faster the walk goes when you run it. We ran twice as far as we usually walk in almost the same time. I shouldn't be amazed but I am. I thought running that route would be a bigger ordeal but it seems our long walks have put me in good shape because I don't feel any of the pain or frustration with myself I felt when I used to run on the road. And we haven't been eaten by a bear yet so it's all good.

Somehow I'm just not afraid of the critters anymore. I'm done with that because I have no intention of sitting in my house because there might be bears in the woods in Maine. And with the racket we make no way will anything cross our path on accident. I am a bit worried about the hunters though because I think probably the bears are smarter. Hunting season starts in exactly two days and I really hope it doesn't mean we have to stop running just when I'm starting to really like it again.

I'm kind of amazed at how easy it is to start this time. I've been underestimating the power of our long walks because I'm not any thinner. How terribly vain. Anyway, my legs and my lungs must be getting stronger because I didn't get any of that feeling like I couldn't take another breath or step. Except for dodging the loose rocks, the ground is much softer and easier on my knees than the paved road.

My goal is to rebuild a sense of routine into my life because that's when I function best and not just in a weight loss way. Doing something everyday makes the difference between choice and habit and I'm not allowed any more choices because I suck at making good ones consistently.

"Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different."

There are these bins at the front of my grocery store which are always full of things that no one would want to buy ever. It's always obscure jello flavor overstock or last season's paper goods. Who wants to buy fourth of july themed paper products in October and especially who needs a pallet of them, seriously. But anyway, the point is that I bought something from the bins of destitute marketing failures and it was this:




Who wouldn't be interested? I wonder what they were thinking, was it like "hey, we like gingerale...we like green tea...why not?". Actually it was pretty decent, I don't know that I'd go out of my way to buy it again or that I'd buy enough to survive the apocalypse but I'm not horrified. There are so many products that come out and you really wonder why they had to go there. Do there really need 15 different ways of selling a peanut butter cup, does it really increase Reese's market share to come out with a new peanut butter cup derivation every 3 months? What is the word for creating your own competition, is there a business term for that? At what point are the new products coming out going to be so ridiculously unnecessary that evolution just ends? I thought it was those disposable toilet brushes but the sun keeps rising so I guess there's something more ridiculous yet to come.

"Cupcake, your middle name is trouble."

Today I met a cake that was too much for me. It was my clients birthday and we had a lovely lunch at the new Irish pub in town with a guinness chocolate cake for dessert. The cake was very good, but it was also four layers which was three layers too many. It's so weird because I have been looking forward to an excuse to eat cake guilt free. Until today at least. This morning I wanted to wear some new pants for the special occasion but uh oh, they didn't fit so hot. Which is why I came home to do pilates for ONE HUNDRED HOURS. I hate it when clothes don't fit that used to fit, it breaks the illusion that nothing is wrong. I like being delusional and eating cake and pretending nothing is wrong. Bummer.

"in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since."

I am urgently shopping for a winter coat this week because apparently SNOW in OCTOBER is no longer a nightmare but a painful frozen reality. My current coat is in a bad way, ten years and two dogs later it needs to be replaced. I also need some waterproof pants for snowshoeing so it's going to be an expensive but warm and toasty month. I hate just about every coat I've seen and the only coat I'm warming too, hehehe, is really expensive. Ridiculously expensive actually but if I amortize over the next 10 years it's pretty affordable. I'll have to talk to Matt about it, he's my sounding board for expensive purchases and usually he tells me to go for it if it's reasonable instead of me torturing myself over the decision to spend.

I'm really concerned about a. buying something I actually like instead of the cheapest workable thing and b. I'm concerned about fit. Those two may be more related than I realized but ten years when I bought my coat it didn't fit very well. I did that thing where you buy the extra large because that's how your brain sees your body. I'm determined not to buy a bad coat this time. I'm trying to take my time but the weather is seriously against me. This has officially been the shortest summer ever.

"I'm telling you, it's fucking hard to be classy"

I'm feeling very domestic this week. I've been baking up a storm and my kitchen smells so good. Yesterday and today I made baked beans...yes it took that long because they WOULD NOT cook and now we're eating them and they're very yummy. Last night I made an apple crisp in an effort to use up the last apples and it's amazing. There are sometimes when I feel like everything I cook comes out great and this is one of those times...maybe I should try a meringue or something else impossible...like scratch white cake. I know this is probably not the website to go begging for cake recipes but seriously y'all, if you're an undercover baker and you have a vanilla/gold/white cake recipe that knocks off the socks please let me know. I'm tired of box white cakes...it makes my soul sad.

So, obviously, I'm not killing myself to stick to some special diet. I'm eating more or less the same things just maybe not in the best portions so I'm bringing back the measuring cups. I'm better at eyeballing than I thought but less good at stopping where I should stop. A dash more of salad dressing, an inch more of cheese and a few more nuts move a salad from light to heavy real fast and that's the sort of thing I haven't been diligent about. I haven't been using the least amount of oil when I cook and the lowest fat versions of everything possible. I'm working on them one at a time, they all become habit eventually.

It really hit me when I started putting away the summer clothes, how little I wore because it didn't fit right. I made a decision a long time ago that I wasn't going to keep clothes that didn't fit for any serious length of time. I don't want to be the person who lives for the future like that, a nebulous future filled with ill fitting out of date clothes. Anyway, so I have to make some decisions to either fit back in to those clothes or sell them and buy new ones and just get on with things. I guess, judging from the above, that I'm heading toward a goal of the solid twelve. I still wear a twelve actually but clearly I'm not twelve enough to wear some of the things I wore last summer. I need to be a smidge twelver. So, no more apple crisp.

"I'd bitch slap the devil for you."

I have a pimple on the exact center of my nose. It's the kind of thing that usually only happens in Cathy cartoons and Bridget Jones novels but No, IT'S REAL! It's actually very uncomfortable above and beyond being unattractive. It's also really, really cold here. It actually snowed down the road aways. It is much too cold and snowy to be October. The last in a long list of things that aren't Ok.

The ok list is getting pretty long though. My house has been clean for days on end, which I know is the lamest thing to blog about ever but has such a huge bearing on how I feel about myself every day. I have gotten two sessions of pilates in this week which is more than last month probably so that's really making me feel good. The doggies had a wonderful day in town and were so well behaved you'd think I drugged them. This makes me especially proud because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be working on my myriad anxiety issues.

I have had unnamed anxiety issues since ever. My mother was a psychologist and it's been bothering me lately that she never noticed or cared enough to address it. It's a very conflicting feeling. On the one hand I know they had bigger problems with my brother. On the other I had problems with my brother too, never knowing if he would be searching my room for things to sell or having his creepy "friends" over when I got home from school, or talking about committing suicide. So many things were never addressed, just survived and now I can't take two free breaths if there's a dish in my sink. Anyway, it's my problem now and I have to fix it before the dogs run under a truck and I have an aneurism.

I never learned how to relax, not really relax. Looking at it from an adult perspective, my parents never relaxed either so of course I never learned the importance of letting things go. I practice every morning now, before we go on our walks and during our walks and after our walks. I make that whole time a no anxious thoughts time. I don't think about the things I have to do when the walk is over, what I'm having for breakfast or what I'll cook for dinner. I work at just enjoying our time in the woods for what it is and the dogs (or I should say Knox) is responding. He shows less anxiety every day and Jolie follows us with awe. We're on our way to being a happy tails success story. I should have got dogs years ago.

"Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry."

This puppy likes toys. Knox likes toys too, but he'd much rather chase Jolie around the yard and before her he enjoyed tackling Matt. Neither of them like Big Mean Kitty as much as I do. There were three angry kitties to choose from, the other two were Awful Mad Kitty and Dirty Rotten Kitty. They're all hilarious and if I'm not very diligent with my budget I will end up buying all of them. I have a real weakness for dog toys but it is certainly better than having doggies eating the furniture and shoes and EVERYTHING ELSE. Little one likes shoes a lot so I try to keep really awesome toys everywhere. She tries to drag Matt's boots to her lair but they're a little too heavy. She's big into stealing. She takes pot holders and kitchen towels and all of the bones, her bed is now two feet taller than it used to be.

"It hurts my shoulder when I break down the door."

I want to be sleeping but what do you know I'm blogging. Matt had fisticuffs with the toaster and I couldn't sleep through the sighing and reverberating animosity. And now I have to buy a new toaster. Who would think a toaster would be so important but the one we have is killing us slowly. Hello Kitty toaster never did us wrong, until she died after years of continuous use. Matt really misses her, he didn't mind at all that his breakfast had a girly cartoon cat on it, so now I have to go to target and see if I can get a new one.

I had the whole weekend off which was a nice change. I made some pies and we walked the dogs and it was freezing. 50 doesn't seem so cold in the spring but in the fall it's awful. At least it was yesterday. I really have to find my winter clothes. I put away a ton of summer things, some of which I never wore because they didn't fit well which is tremendously depressing.

I'm feeling like I didn't hit any of my fitness goals but that isn't really true. I have been getting at least an hour of hiking in every day and my legs are amazing. I haven't had the diligence with pilates that I need to feel really human. For some reason I can't get it into my schedule. I haven't been making room where I should and it's another tremendously depressing thing I have to report. You get to this point in the year where you really see the end of another big chunk of life and you start to think about what you accomplished you can feel good about and when there isn't very much you get to feeling like you should run a triathalon in december to catch up. Which is ridiculous when a few days of pilates actually getting done would make me feel like wonder woman. Sometimes my goals are so pathetically small it's painful to say them out loud. 'Specially when I'm such a slacker I can't say I completed them. Yikes, I drive myself nuts.

interwebs assistance needed

How does this happen? The second entry is my entry about Jolie and the first one...is a store inexplicably linked to my entry about Jolie. Say what?

"I bet nuns would be good basketball players"

Enjoying each other's company on the sofa after a long visit at the Vet. They were both troopers, playing the whole time and sitting for treats. Knox barked at the nurse when a shot made Jolie cry, a real big brother. She's already getting grown up teeth so she's older than we thought and will be smaller when she's grown up. I don't think it will matter because she's already spending most of her time with her teeth locked on Knox's fur. She's well up to the challenge even if she is only 30 pounds.

"you like eating, baking is just a preamble"

introducing Jolie, warrior princess. She walks under Knox and steals the toys right out of his mouth, she uses all ten of her pounds to charge her 60 pound brother and wags her tail so hard it sounds like someone knocking on the door. She's very lovable and curls up in our laps and gives us all kisses. She relaxes Knox when I leave and she makes him want to get in the car (praise the lord for that), and so far we like her a lot.

500 to 800 pets are killed every week at the pound where she was taken to be put down in Iberia, LA. I hate that someone thought this sweet bundle of woof was disposable, an inconvenience to get rid of. I can't even think about it without grinding my teeth...I'm minutes from lockjaw.

"I've got my head, I've lost my leopard!"

I'm sitting in my living room pretending it's ok to spend a day off dirty and emailing and calling it productive. The rain cancelled our official hike and my client never wants to do anything else but that doesn't mean I have to sit on my couch and google the directions to Glacier National Park like it's an effective use of my time. The other day I made a list of things I really want to do (also, not a very good use of my time) and one of those things is see some damn national parks. No, not because of Ken Burns because I don't have tv to watch that series but I did hear that he pointed out how non-local people call Acadia "Arcadia" which they totally do so rock on Ken Burns. I just want to see some cool nature, that's all, but googling directions at this stage is a little silly. I think I could have looked at a map and seen that it would take a damn long time to get there without actually knowing it's one day and 22 hours without stopping for snacks.

Most of the time my want list is really small, like have a clean house. But that's sort of a crappy dream, there has to be something bigger I want to do with my life than scrub floors so I'm trying to branch out. That being said, the house is pretty gross right now. Puppy has been finding bones in the woods (dear god let them not be human) and bringing them home and it's one thing when he has the comparatively sterile looking marrow bones from the butcher but random forest critter bones do not belong in my house, or on my couch and definitely not in the bed. Right now there is sort of a rotting smell in the kitchen and it is beyond disgusting and I'm sure it's one of those bones and I just can't find it. I keep burning incense and looking and looking and I can't find it and if it goes on for a full 7 days it might turn into a voodoo ritual. If I don't find it today I'm getting some holy water. Or moving.

I'm going to conduct another search and take a shower and inevitably get my incense burning. Maybe the spirit guides want me to go to Montana RIGHT NOW. It only takes one day and 22 hours if I bring snacks with me. And a catheter.

"Shhhh... you had me at balls."

We've run into some difficulties with our hour long walks, mostly that they always seem to end in 45 minutes...so we're playing catch for 15. You think Cesar would approve? In other news my legs are amazing from all this walking. Muscles hard as rocks! Roar! Dogs are gifts that keep on giving. We are picking up baby woof on saturday and is it weird that they demand cash and we're meeting in a parking lot? I'm sure it's fine, the lady passes google, but if I end up on an episode of cold case files and all they have are fat pictures it's going to suck. But anyway, yeah, puppy. According to the woof whisperer you're not supposed to show any affection when you meet, you have to let her come to you and sniff you and see your calm assertive leadership energy. I might need a medically induced coma for that. Who can not react to a puppy? serial killers that's who. This is going to be a very intense cold case files.

He asked for a pony, he's getting a sister...

New puppy is coming in two weeks, on Knox's birthday. We still don't have a name but I have a list on the whiteboard. Matt wants to wait to meet her before we choose. I hope she comes with her resume. So I have until Oct. 3 to get our routine down pat. Today was day one of my new you, new dog(TM) program. We're starting with an hour of exercise in the morning because a tired doggie is an obedient doggie. We used to do a half hour twice a day but it's not enough so we're trying something new. It's tricky coming up with new longer routes that don't lead us into bear traps or other forms of sudden death, but we're trying. We usually go one of two ways at the top of our hill so today we went both ways which didn't exactly get us an hour. If we'd gone all the way to the bottom again and started over it would have been fine but also a little crazy so tomorrow I guess we just go farther on each end. If we do that every morning and afternoon he'll be good and pooped and so will I. Thus the exercise benefit of owning a dog. Once we add the new dog I'm hoping they'll both be comatose for the rough getting to know you stages. Pack naps are going to be the best part of being a two dog family.

The worst part of having a two dog family will be explaining to my dad why we got another dog before the first one was dead. He would never let us get two kittens at once, even though odds were in our favor that they'd play with each other and leave him alone. Instead he spends all day telling the cat to go away. He will not understand and he really won't want them in his house. This I get, I don't expect anyone to welcome dogs to their house whether or not they have their own but it makes holidays difficult. We'll probably be staying more with my sister which should be fine when all the puppies are socialized and relaxed. I'm also looking into a dog exercise pen. I really hated the idea at first and it is sort of pointless at our house but for traveling and visiting I think it'll be helpful. They'll be able to be outside and not leashed but safe and the kids will be safe too. For one dog it seemed a sort of expensive solution but for two it's more reasonable and I think they'll take to it better with a buddy. They can chew on each other and play with their toys. If they're tired out before hand it'll be a good way to spend a few hours in the afternoon while the kids play outside.

And now I have to cook and process 100 pumpkins. Not really, but I bought a few. Apparently the crappy summer has resulted in a pumpkin shortage and if I don't have a pumpkin pie this fall the earth will explode or something so I'm taking necessary measures. We have a ton of apples too. I have a lot of work today which I'm feeing more resolved to do than usual. Maybe the longer walk will make us both more obedient.

"you better look at my boobs when I'm talkin' about 'em"

My puppy is not tired. The old puppy, not the new puppy...I don't yet have any knowledge about her sleepiness but I can tell you with authority that the old puppy is NOT tired. Not quite like a toddler who is really tired and says their not tired even though they are...this puppy is genuinely awake. We went for a walk. And then a ride. And then another walk. AND then a hike. Usually a five mile hike tires him out but he's still perky and that would be why we're getting another puppy.

I've been trying to prepare myself for the new dog, in the way of buying her special small dog toys and reading every book by the dog whisperer. Matt and I decided long ago that we don't need the dog to heel all the time or learn to sit on a special mat so he doesn't touch the humans (a suggestion made by matt's brother) we just want him to respect our rules and live safely. He's not a bad dog and unless you look really hard you don't see how he pays no attention whatever if there's a road with interesting cars, or a person, or a dog. It's actually pretty easy to get his attention when he's sniffing out genuinely scary animals because he seems to have an interest in either being protected or protecting us but when it comes to a poodle on the other side of the road he's lost to this world. That is not ok so I have to get my shit together.

We got the dog when I was unemployed because I was unemployed and had plenty of time to work and be with him. Turns out I was incredible nervous and on edge that whole time what with the no money and it turns out the dog thinks I'm an unstable leader. Shocking! Apparently calling him a cuddle umpkins doesn't mask the fact that you're worried all the time about everything. So here I am practicing being a more relaxed in the moment Amy so my dog doesn't get hit by a car. From now on we're trying to only do things with him when he's calm submissive and that's when you start to realize you've been enabling behaviors since forever. We stood outside the petstore for almost ten minutes waiting for him to relax. It didn't actually work but we're going to keep at it. He still pulled me all over and you know, he doesn't have any money so it's important that I'm in a good mood or he doesn't get anything fun.

It's really, really hard. He's not a human, he's a dog. He only cares about taking walks, sniffing poop and making woofy friends. He's not worried about what I have to do when I get back to the house he just enjoys the hike...that's kind of a wonderful way to be.

Not Larry!

My sister is waging a campaign to call the new puppy "larry" and it HAS to stop. So, I need a kickass name NOW. It may or may not be too late. This one time she started telling people I left egg nog under my bed until it became cheese and she said it so often that she convinced herself it was true, like I wouldn't have just drank the egg nog...it's preposterous. Which is sort of her modus operandi. If it's not amusing to her and her alone, it just isn't worth doing. Anyway, wow I need a name for this pup who isn't even here yet before she gets branded like the cable guy.

In the meantime, pictures of all the painting projects I've been working on. I should have taken a picture of my massive painting induced biceps but ooops, I forgot. Anyway, they start in the bathroom with the teal and the living room is called torchlight...a very golden yellow but you can't really tell from the light in the room when I took these pictures. I need a color for the hallway in between which sounds like an impossible mission. I'm going to go stand in the paint department and wait until inspiration hits me unless you guys have any better ideas. I didn't want grey but that might be the only choice...le sigh.

naturalist fail

When I used to run on the road sometimes I would see a car pull to the side and I'd pick up a rock just incase I had to hit a troublesome motorist over and over. Now apparently I have to carry rocks everywhere I go, or a gun, or get a donkey. Last night coyotes surrounded our house, just out of sight, and yipped at knox. Actually only one of them yipped, they prey on their shared canine instincts to investigate sounds and they were trying to lure him in. Fuckers.

Knox was freaking out and it took us a few minutes to hear the noise outside and realize why he was so upset. That happens a lot, he'll hear something and run to the door barking or bark at the woods when we're outside. At first we had assumed it could be anything but now we know he doesn't bark at squirrels and birds, he barks at bear smell and coyotes. Matt pointed out that they can hear just as well as he can and they know that we know that they know he's here. It was genuinely terrifying. I thought smelling bear track would be the worst thing to worry about but bears are afraid of people and coyotes aren't.

Apparently it's a big deal in LA and a lot of people are losing pets to coyotes, Ozzy and Jessica Simpson and I just watched a video of a terrier chasing off a coyote in a suburban backyard. Terriers kick some ass apparently. I suppose dealing with coyotes around so many people would be worse, here it's sort of expected. Animals will exist and we'll have to deal with them, I just don't like feeling singled out and hunted like that. I really, really didn't like it.

Sometimes when we're walking up back he'll get nervous and bark and I'll get nervous and start jogging, you feel like someone is watching you. After enough coyote/dog research I've learned that yes, they are watching us. They know our smell, our walking patterns and what times we're likely to be out. I'm worried about the dog and the chickens and the new puppy that isn't even here yet. I want to get a pit bull, and a llama and a donkey. Apparently coyotes hate donkeys and llamas, I don't know about pit bulls I just think I'd feel safer with a dog that didn't run away from bunny rabbits. Coyotes aren't supposed to prey on dogs as big as Knox, I'm afraid they can tell from his marking that he's a softie fur and that's why they're coming to the freaking house. In the meantime Matt has his gun and I'm gonna get an airhorn...and a donkey. The alternative is building a six foot plus undigable fence around 250 acres...I'm pretty sure a donkey is cheaper...or shooting all of them which seems harsher than the donkey and a bit futile since new ones will keep coming back. For now the poor dog will be on a leash ALL THE TIME. I have him on a leash now, tied to the couch while I type just incase coyotes know how to pick locks.

fiesta where?

The blue in the bathroom makes me feel like I'm in a fish bowl. It reminds me of fiestaware, very festive. I didn't think I'd like it but I really do. It totally makes me happy. Now I'm not sure what color to do the hallway. I have goldy yellow on one side and fishbowl blue on the other...it'll have to be a neutral as much as I'm loving the rainbow of flavors lately. Such tough decisions.

I sent Matt to work with his entire batch of cookies this week. He just told me all he wants to do is eat cookies and yup...that's pretty much why I sent them to work with you buddy. He told me he stood on the scale today fully dressed and weighed 140 pounds, with a cookie in his hand. He's the only person I know who tries to wear more clothes when being weighed. He needs those cookies, I don't.

Work has been obviously weird lately and I've been home a lot. Today I actually cooked myself lunch, with knives and vegetables and the whole shebang. It was kind of awesome. I've been so hungry with the painting all day. Apparently painting burns 500 something calories an hour. I'm not a supermodel yet but I am unbelievably tired...and very happy to be done with the bathroom. I had like fifteen cheese sticks today, painting fuel for sure.

abomination

wuthering heights by pat benatar and non abomination.

"Butterfly in shining armor"

I do not want to look back on my life and think my only accomplishment was making old people cry, but seriously, today sucked. My client is ridiculously frustrated with her life and most of the time I can muster at least some pity for how badly she feels about her situation but the times that slip in between most of the time and all of the time I am consumed by how little she thinks of her blessings. I am not usually a person who talks about blessings, I don't really think of myself as a spiritual person so maybe the word I should be using is gifts. She has had a gifted life. She overcame hardships, she lived through some difficult things but isn't that the point of living? She sees absolutely no point in living as long as she can't do everything she wants to do all the time. One thing she says frequently which really makes my blood boil, although not today, is about all the wounded soldiers coming home from the war...wouldn't it be better if they were killed. Well, uhm, no. Some people are grateful to have more time with their families, with their children...you know maybe.

A long time ago my client was on this Wuthering Heights kick so one day I played the Kate Bush song on the way to the grocery store. I played 15 whole seconds before she started singing in a mocking voice. She did a very similar thing today except she was mocking me directly and not just something I thought she might find even the slightest bit interesting to her. I don't usually take the time to explain to her that the things she does are inappropriate. It's largely pointless and I'm not her mother anyway, all I can hope for most of the time is that people know what she's like and aren't actively blaming me. I'm used to her baiting me into fruitless arguments but she pushed me beyond that today and I called her on it. And then I had to leave.

I'm supposed to go back tomorrow and it's another one of those days when I don't know if she'll open the door for me or try to throw a glass at me or if it will be perfectly fine because she was so drunk she won't remember. Wish me luck!

"this never would have happened at Stanford"

I bought a rug yesterday. A pretty oriental type rug which reminds me of my mother. Every time I look at it I feel like I'm a kid sitting on our ugly ass ethan allen couch (it lasted for twenty years!) watching tv or playing nintendo. And then I painted the bathroom and it was supposed to be teal but it's really blue and it also reminds me of my mother. All of the rooms in our house were blue, are blue because my dad hasn't repainted. She could always tell the difference between the most identical shades of blue. She would have loved this blue, but I hate it. It's really sky blue and it's kind of freaking me out. Like it gets brighter as time passes...it's sucking the life out of us to make itself stronger. It's evil kryptonite style paint, DAMN YOU HOME DEPOT!

I have to go back tomorrow and get something more tealy. I'm really getting into this whole decorating thing. We haven't had a rug, ever. Or color on the walls. And I got these great baskets made out of recycled paper. They're amazing, I never thought I would be such a girl to get so excited about baskets. We really needed one for the vast amount of dog toys orphaned in the living room, the other one is just for vanity because I couldn't stand to leave it behind. I haven't decided what to use it for yet but it's going to be awesome because I decided that it would be in the TJ Maxx checkout line.

I actually do have a plan. I'm trying to mix new and old in a way that doesn't make me look bi-polar. So far it's going pretty well. Maybe not television re-decorating show well but I'm pleased and I can afford it so I'm double pleased. Paint is cheap, the baskets were cheap, the rug was fifty bucks and initially I left it at the store until I learned everything cheaper looked cheap and sometimes cost the same. Everything else was in storage, antiques and heirlooms, or just wasn't being used to advantage. When I actually finish putting everything in order I'll put up some pictures. The difference is kind of shocking, I can't believe I waited so long to do something with the house. Where's my hair shirt?

"they call me Mr. Pig!"

The second worst thing you can do when internetting, next to googling an otherwise harmless medical symptom, is to go to petfinder.com. I didn't even make that a link because then you would all adopt 700 cats and get a poor reputation with the neighborhood kids and be MAD at me. I look at petfinder alot. One might say, too much. Usually I do a quick collie search and when there aren't any compatible ones I go back to my knitting, or whatever. Lately I've had a bee in my bonnet about getting Knox a buddy. He does just fine on his own, I really have no complaints...I just think he'd like a friend. Someone to chew on and pounce on who isn't Matt. Someone who speaks his language. So pretty much a dog.

I've often regretted not adopting two when we took Knox home. Probably that would have been a disaster and Matt and I would have had to start sleeping in the garage but also SO MUCH FUN! Anyway, as I mentioned in the last post we found a puppy that is too cute for words. She looks like an ewok, or a gremlin, or a house elf (as Matt keeps telling me). The application was very long and I had pretty much assumed that we would never pass. The want for puppies over older dogs is so huge that I thought we'd be in a long, long line. It turns out there wasn't a line and our vet told them to give us whatever we wanted so...Puppy!



She is a brittany spaniel/sheltie mix from Louisiana. The "owner" took them to a kill shelter to have them gassed. His unspayed dog wasn't supposed to get pregnant, how dare she!, so he wanted them gone. There were only two, god knows what happened to their siblings. She'll be arriving sometime in October after a very long ride on the underground furry railroad. It all seems to have happened very quickly and now we wait. I'm excited and apprehensive. Two dogs won't be any more work than one, more money yes...but not more work. They need the same exercise and the same cuddles and the same attention from people (we looked at some olde english sheepdogs...adorable but not meant to socialize!) I'm sure they'll be best friends.

And now she needs a name. We discussed Knox's name in the car on the way home, with him in the backseat...puking. Knox is the name of the town he came from and a revolutionary general matt is fond of. In other words creative was not the adjective most appropriate to choosing his name. My first idea was Piper, but a friend of a friend's dog is Piper and Matt dislikes the association. The next is Winky, obvious for Harry Potter fans but I don't really feel it in my soul. River and Pixi are also on my list as compared to Knox she's going to be a baby. Please feel free to leave any suggestions in the comments.

"Technical term is narcissism."

I'm painting my living room. I'm pretty sure it's the most beautiful living room in the whole world. I didn't paint for the longest time because the white was fine and I'm lazy and I just didn't think it would make a difference. Oh, but it does make a difference. So I'm painting the bathroom too. And then I might re-paint the bedroom because I hate the pistachio ice cream color it's rocking right now. So, back to the living room and how awesome I feel looking at the walls. I should have realized the power of color but I just didn't because those years of art classes went in one ear and right out the other...apparently. Painting makes me feel like a grown-up. Or rather the feeling of decorating makes me feel like a grown up.

We're also looking at getting another puppy, which may or may not be grown up.



How cute is she? I know, right? She's supposed to be a lot smaller than Knox which would be helpful but also furry to keep warm and perky enough to keep up with the big dogs. We may or may not be approved for adoption, which adds a little suspense to the process. I might still use her picture on our christmas cards. A little elf had and she'll look just like dobby!

"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

Matt made me buy bread. Yummy, yummy portuguese bread. It's his favorite and it comes in these huge loaves and it's so good. I hate it. I've eaten three slices today and not because I was so hungry I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't help myself for a ton of other reasons, crappy fat girl reasons. He hates it from the freezer so I'm going to have to force feed him the rest of the loaf tonight. In his sleep. There's no other way to deal with the problem.

Actually I might have to because I want to paint the living room and his brain might break under the strain of another project. It might be more humane that way. I've been almost painting the living room and the bathroom for a while and I chicken out every time but lately I've been feeling like getting things done. Ambitious and all. I have the next three days off and I figure you can paint a lot in three days. Or the tiny living room of a one bedroom apartment. I don't know if I can help myself this time, I'm going to buy some paint supplies tomorrow unless he cries when I tell him.

And as a closer, what does one buy as a gift for a wedding where you have to bring your own food...and chairs? A toaster, an ashtray? You guys have any ideas. The gift is for a couple who has uncovered plywood floors in their trailer so crystal is probably not the way to go. Imagination required!

"You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!"

Matt said it looked like we murdered someone and he was totally right, so I didn't take any pictures of tomato canning. We canned 20 pounds of tomatoes last night and it was very, very red. I spent all day washing and scrubbing tomato guts because we just couldn't face it last night. The cutting board is permanently pink and the stove has never been this clean so it's not all bad news. I don't remember canning tomatoes being that messy but maybe that's because my mom's kitchen is so much bigger. I ran out of bowls and counter space long before we started filling jars. I wanted to can some of the mint syrup I've been making too but the jars are all so ugly. Is that terribly vain? I was going to use them as christmas presents but it's the sort of thing that needs a lovely bottle and not a sad half full mason jar. I might have to keep looking for bottles because I have six more bundles of mint to use and no better way to preserve it. That stuff grows like a weed, a beautiful smelly weed.

My sister (Hi Em!) requested my blog address this morning and now I feel pressure to be interesting. She already knows exactly how dull my life is so there's no reason to stress, I'm sure the expectations for excitement are low. I always wonder how people cope with blogging when they know their loved ones are reading. Rebecca's mom reads her regularly and they have such adorable chats. My sister is a teacher so mostly I expect a treatise on my grammar. We'll have to set you up an account so you can comment on my spelling in real time!

A long while back I stopped running, one to keep the dog off the road and two to keep my knees from killing me slowly. I never thought I'd miss running, I only took it up because it was the fastest way to burn the most calories, but it turns out I really do miss it. I had a very short jog, considering where I left off, but it gave me such a great start to the day. We walk every morning but it's just not the same. This morning was cool and perfect and I ran about 25 minutes of our 30 minute "walk", it feels so good to come home hot and sweaty and accomplished. When I don't run I forget how good it feels and when I don't do pilates I remember how BAD it feels. I have to keep it all up to feel great, I just wish I could remember.

Little Long Pond

We had a really beautiful day on the island. He really enjoyed being off leash but we didn't meet any dogs to play with at the park, which was too bad. We did meet dogs in town, which is always fun but today it was also weird. Knox was happily sniffing the butt of a golden doodle when his owners started chatting with another couple and described their dog as a "nazi dog". I was not the only one who was confused. The owners tried to explain themselves but it was still a little weird. Or a lot weird. Apparently they were trying to describe the intensive breeding involved in creating their dog (who didn't even sit on command, not that that matters). Can you call a dog a purebred if it's a mix of breeds? Does a purebred golden retriever mixed with a purebred poodle equal a purebred golden doodle? I'm just curious. Anyway, it was very strange that anyone would choose to connect their fluffy cuddly half poodle with the nazis so we slinked quietly away. Knox did sort of miss sniffing his butt though.

"don't make me get the hose!"

Puppy will not go outside. It's been raining all day and he really has to pee but he just stands at the door and looks sad. It's impressive in a way because I'm sure he has to go but he's holding out for a weather miracle. Brave. Matt and I had a fancy day making waffles and doing errands in town. There were no boy things he could do with the weather so he was forced to hang out with me at the pet store and target and help me choose new glasses to replace the ones I keep breaking. I break a lot of things. It's ironic because we were searching for glasses that he can hold on to and yet he's never broken any of our house things. It's always me. I am a magnet of disaster and shattered glass. And have you read Colin Bateman? Because he's hilarious. I haven't actually focused on anything inside my house because I can't stop reading Belfast Confidential. I thought I was going to herniate something reading Driving Big Davey. It was the best ab work out ever.

Fortunately for my ass I was stepping all the while I was reading. I haven't used my stepper since dinosaurs roamed the internet and it just occurred to me that duh, I should. So I pulled it out and it makes me feel a bit lame but also smug because I'm doing something more than I was last week and probably I'll be a supermodel by tuesday. Stay tuned. In all seriousness I can't remember why I stopped using the stepper when it was really important in getting me off my couch and down two jeans sizes. I'm sure it had something to do with my knees but since I gave over running I'm not so worried about them. Better to keep the weight off them in this relatively low impact way than to uhh, err, not. I'm way out of analogies, that has to be a first.

Last time I talked to Big foot it was like "Hey B" "gurghaghurghhha"

I don't like Kashi Go Lean Crunch. I really wanted to like it. I'm sure I'm supposed to like it. I think it's a fitness blogger requirement to like it. There isn't really anything wrong with the flavor, it's the texture I can't stand. It's like those packing peanuts, which I'm sure are low in calories but otherwise urgh! I'm going to have to be patient for a few more bowls because it was so expensive I can't bear to throw it away. I think I'm going to stick with SmartStart for my overpriced healthy cereal fix.

I had to get that off my chest. I always feel left out when I don't like something everyone else likes, as though there is anything I can do about it but suffer. Secretly I suspect most people have noticed that Kashi cereal resembles packing peanuts but no one wants to complain about popular or expensive things. Anyway, the kashi is one of many new things I've tried recently that haven't worked out. I bought some yoplait yogurt parfait things which I had high hopes of but all you can taste is the chemical sweetener. Very disappointing. I have however fallen in love with the Kelloggs meal replacement bars, which I know are full of horrible fake things but I can't taste it and they help out a lot when I work weird hours. I hate the idea of "meal replacement", you have to go to the diet foods section to buy them and it's full of fake this and fake that, but they really do make a difference in keeping up the blood sugar.

I know I haven't mentioned it in a hundred years but I still have a stepper. The stepper that changed the way I lived in my apartment and helped me come down two dress sizes. I started using it again last week and my legs are killing me but I have high hopes. At the least it's better than reading or watching tv on the couch, which is what made all the difference in the beginning.

"look for something bludgeony"

Yesterday when I was with my client we heard a lot of sirens. I think I made kind of a big deal about hearing sirens all the time in Chicago. I guess sirens mean more when you live somewhere small because when you hear them you know the accident is near you or involves someone you know. The sirens we heard yesterday ended when the helicopter went by, lifeflight is never a good sign. Matt was just telling me about a game of chicken that happened on the darkside over the weekend, a sixteen year old kid dead. That kind of thing happens a lot but this accident was different. A wave from the hurricane Bill storm surge washed three people into the ocean at Thunder Hole, killing a seven year old girl.

I can't stand to go to the park today so I'm doing errands instead. It's all for the best because my shoulder is acting up. I know it's my own fault, I'm doing my best to stretch through the pain. I'm using Icy Hot this time, which is new. It smells like pepto and is starting to get Icy and the anticipation for Hot is building. I want numbness in a tube actually, that would be awesome. No, I'm whining but I have a lot to do today after my visit home and I need my arm to do it but it's 11 and all I've done so far is watch my netflix. I'm calling it therapeutic.

for rebecca

"Isn't there an elsewhere you need to be?"

Rebecca asked for pictures and so here is Cobscook Bay. It was really a beautiful day but my camera was dying so I only have a few pictures. I don't take nearly enough pictures, I really have to start taking my camera with me all the time every where I go. Today was a really crappy day and it was so hot and it was hiking day and my head is killing me and my client was a whiny mcwhinerpants. More like the complainernater. Today she was upset about her air conditioner. It works perfectly for a person with realistic goals, like not trying to cool down the open air porch. She was also upset about the trucks at the quarry reversing with their safety beeps, she's going to complain to the quarry owner. I know that she's not actually going to complain to the quarry owner any more than she's going to throw a bucket of water on the poor bastards mowing the lawns but it still sets me on edge.

You know, now that the painkillers have started to become effective I can see the shiny newness of these complaints compared to the old ones. We can probably get a few weeks out of the air conditioner trials. I wonder how well it works with all the windows, doors AND the porch open to the heat. That would be a test for consumer reports right there, I'm gonna write a letter.

I like watching lord of the rings when I clean, it makes me feel like cleaning my one bedroom apartment isn't as epically tragic as it feels. And actually between the slacking off on the computer and the non-stop snacking I'm getting a lot done. The chicks create this super fine white dust that covers EVERYTHING and it's awful. The books all said it will drive you crazy but when the chicks are little it doesn't seem like a big deal and then they grow and you can write wash me on the bathroom wall and you want to cry a lot. It took most of the day to de-dust the bathroom and every bottle on every shelf but it's done now and the next time we have chicks they will totally be in the garage if we have to get seventy two heat lamps to keep them warm.

The chickens spent their first day outside yesterday and are happily pecking around their run as I type. Knox thinks it's christmas and has spent every minute outside running circles around the run. Yet another reason they aren't free range. I hope I can find him a chicken costume for halloween, that would be awesome. SO, obviously I've spent the whole day searching my kitchen for chocolate and I have this ridiculous sugar high. I should stash emergency pms candy bars in the cupboards, I swear. Chocolate milk is too much work with too little gratification for the current level of my needs. There's something about the dog barking at the door ALL DAY because the chickens are on the other side of it that make you so angry inside that only a snicker's bar will do. Right now I'm telling him to wait for daddy to come home and take him out so I can make more chocolate milk and maybe use vodka instead of milk. I'll let you know how that goes.

"Question. What kind of bear is best?"

I googled "getting organized" and the drop menu gave me all these choices about getting organized at home and at work and it was all too much. I just want google to fix me, is that too much to ask? Maybe I need a life coach. That would be a whole other blog. Actually I think you need to have goals to use a life coach so I'm starting there. My goal for this weekend is to get some (more) giant tote boxes for clothes. It sounds like a solid baby step but it's been on my list of things to do for the last three weeks. I also have yet another grocery list to shop for, this has been the most expensive grocery week ever. That happens every once in a while, it's like a kitchen cupboard blackhole and you need everything from baking soda to ketchup to teriyaki marinade. It is costly and it's burns us, but also it seems to be taking up more space than the empties they are replacing which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. My kitchen is a physics free zone, laws of nature do not exist there. Weird.

"Customers! Please bring your money back"

So I realized earlier this week that I haven't cooked myself a dinner in a really long time. I cook dinner every night for Matt but I usually just eat his side dishes. This week I'm making a special effort to cook for myself. I made a few really great salads and a couscous bean dish last night and this morning I'm cooking a spaghetti sauce that technically is for both of us. I also made sugar cookies and blueberry muffins but they aren't strictly for me. I bought wild blueberries for my family only I forgot to bring them with me so I threw together some muffins. They'll last a while in the freezer and Matt will eat up the cookies so it's all good.

I spent a small fortune at the grocery store, 50% more than I was "supposed" to. I hate that but I just felt like something had to give. I bought a ton of fresh fruit and really there's no better time to do that being that everything is in season. I'm trying to push the fruits and veggies like I did once upon a time and I have to admit that the salads I've made have been unbelievably good.

There's something so silly about being lazy with things that benefit you, actually annoying. I'm really annoyed with myself. I don't even have kids so what am I putting myself in the back seat for? Matt, the dog? it's just stupid. The phrase "renewed commitment" just popped into my head and I almost burst out laughing, maybe slap in the face would be more appropriate.

"fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted"

I'm watching fashion runway and dusting off my sewing machine because apparently I'm pavlov's dog. I actually have sewing to do on a skirt I bought that totally doesn't fit. It's big and it's jersey so now it's really big. Which is awesome compared to too small but it's no one's dream to lose their skirt on the street so I have to give it a cord. I want to get the most out of the skirt this summer so I have to git'r'done to use the local expression. I'm so not allowed to go shopping for the rest of the summer so that skirt needs to rock my summer to fall wardrobe. (this is what happens to me on project runway days, rock and wardrobe get used in the same sentence.)

My friend Holly came to visit and yesterday we hit the town with Knox. She experienced first hand what it's like to walk with a supermodel because people throw themselves at Knox as we walk. She was about thirty feet ahead of me at all times as I fought off the pupparazzi. I love my dog like the big dork that I am and I love that the all the attention is socializing him so well but it takes SO long to walk down the street. I have to remember to take side streets when I'm in a hurry. On the super exciting front Holly wants to come up Cadillac with us in the fall so that's going to be awesome. We're going to have to practice our hiking so we don't pass out halfway up the mountain.

I've been thinking about a lot of huge posts I'm sure I'll never get to writing but in a practical way I really need to start cooking for myself and making myself a priority. I always told myself I'd take time for myself when I was not working or working part time and I'm just not making me a priority and it sucks that I'm so lazy that I don't take care of myself better. More on that later.

"I recognize a military formation when I see one"

Ever since it rained for two months the bugs have been insane. The pup and I take two walks a day and I spend each one hitting myself in the head over and over again. At least there aren't any witnesses, if you don't count all the hidden bears and squirrels wondering how successful human evolution really is. I hate to say I can't wait for winter but this summer needs a reset button, it's been really unpleasant all the way around.

Today I feel pretty great though. I have gotten so much done since I got home. I feel so empowered when I get things done. I need to spray paint that on my wall or something. Matt would love that! I've done three pilates sessions this week and my body is so happy with me. I had been really sore and pushing the pilates takes the muscle strain right away. If I finish up the dishes and take in the laundry from the line I could spend the rest of the night in the bath tub like one of those old school calgon commercials. Even working with my client went well. We had a particularly good time in Cadillac Mountain Sports where she bought some sporty capris and requested a size fourteen. She is both itty and bitty and the clerk thought she was insane. The largest size they had was a ten and I demonstrated how she could get two of her in the one leg. I tried to explain how sizing has changed over the years and eventually talked her into an eight, which will be very roomy but she has a collection of belts. She said she was amazed to fit into an eight and it reminded me how very much we all judge ourselves by those arbitrary numbers and letters. I recently bought a skirt online and went right for the XL instantly worrying it would be too small when in fact the large I eventually bought is a bit too big. My client is 84 years old and will always see herself as a 14, I can only hope I don't see myself as an XL for the rest of my years.

"I was supposed to be that goat!"

Last night at Matt's birthday dinner his parents asked me if I learned anything in Chicago. It was actually a really good question and I did tell them a few of the things I learned. They seemed both confused and bored by what I told them, I felt kind of bad that I didn't have more interesting things to say. My client asks me questions like that a lot, questions she doesn't really want the answers to but insists on asking every few days. My favorite is when she asks where the internet is, where do they keep it? If only it were that simple. I find myself wondering how bad it would be to just make up a simple story even if it's not accurate. The internet is in New York City, but it's a big secret so don't tell ANYBODY.

There's a group of women we sometimes sit and chat with and the conversations are a riot. They really hate the management and I can't blame them. Most of the people living there were highly successful business people or educators or scientists and it's run by regular joe type folks just happy to have a job. They are essentially kind with good intentions but are also petty and self important in a lot of areas, not that I've had any personal dealings...I would never be so petty....ahem. Anyway, they're getting a Wii for the games room and I can't wait to hear what they have to say about that. They don't have a large screen tv for the vision impaired but they think a Wii is going to be a wild success. My client keeps saying she understands how people can be driven to the edge like postal workers and I'm starting to see her point.

"Are you a fan of delicious flavor?"

Right now I'm preparing to bake Matt's cookies. Things were so busy the last week that he had to make due with oatmeal cream pies. The poor dear. So now I'm trying to decide what flavor to bake. The last time I made chocolate chip I ate almost half of them myself so I'm thinking broccoli or turnip flavor. No, actually they have to be really good ones today. I had planned to go home this weekend and the aforementioned poor matt had to remind me it's his birthday weekend...because I am a very terrible girlfriend. I feel really bad about forgetting so I might have to bake cookies made out of playboy bunnies or something.

I'm really unused to my life being this busy. My sister is visiting and I had meant to spend every weekend at home and then there's Matt's birthday and another friend is flying up in the next week. I'm used to a completely blank calendar. Flossing is usually my most exciting plan and I'm feeling extra frazzled by all this stuff being packed so close together. And I'm really behind on my hiking with this super crappy weather we've been having. The farms are suffering and the cows and horses are going to starve but I'm upset about my hiking. I'm genuinely worried about all of it, the rain really, really has to stop before the whole state regresses to the middle ages.

Even the lobstermen are screwed because apparently when I was gone there was a shooting over fishing territory on Matinicus and the judge ordered the whole island to stop fishing. That seems fair, an entire island of fishing families can starve to death because you don't know how to handle a fishing dispute. I've only lived here a few years and I know a whole community of fisherman aren't going to become paralegals and telemarketers because some judge tells them to stop fishing. Morons. I've never seen a state more intent on destroying the people who live there, it's unbelievable. But whatever, I still have cookies to bake. I can't wait to see how this fishing thing turns out, if there's any group you don't want to piss off it's the people who work the atlantic ocean in t-shirts all winter. Hard as fucking nails they are.

"Tomato/potato"

It's our very first potato. Accidentally plucked when Matt did the last hilling. I think it's a good sign that soon we'll be a big fabulous farm and Matt said "at least we got one". One of us knows how to handle our expectations anyway.



And this is what I mean by the chickens now being huge. Remember how they started out? Look, they don't even fit on the camera. Look at those feet! If I had known how horrified I'd be of their feet I would have kept buying eggs in the store forever and ever. The kind that come from plastic containers and not at all real animals with feet the size of Guam. If only I'd known...



In other news, I'll be adding photos to the last few posts. It will come as a surprise to no one when I reveal that I lost my phone between New Hampshire and Maine and just found it again. I really need my own personal assistant.

"Let joy be unconfined. But I am NOT playing scrabble."

So I made it pretty obvious that the trip to blogher stressed me out, packing and reserving and flying are none of my favorite things. Everything actually went very well and I didn't need to exude enough anxious energy to power a small town. I should sat everything went very well until I arrived at hotel reception. Turns out there were two people with my exact name. He was really confused and I think he thought I was fucking with him until I brought out my id. It was super stressful sorting out the room and roommates business but the weirdest part was when Rebecca and I ended up at her breakfast table. Unfortunately I lost her business card, I lost all of my business cards except for the ones I got at the very end so essentially I met myself and then lost my own business card. Shame. I do however have her picture so if another mix up happens with my name I can hire a detective. Amies can be shifty.




I guess it's been awhile since I've been gone that long, the house seems so different. The chickens grew like weeds and are kind of freaking me out, their feet are HUGE and they have TALONS now. Talons. What is with that? Why does a domestic bird need talons anyway? And there are tons of vegetables in the fridge which means that Matt ate nothing but baked potatoes and grilled meat while I was gone. Le sigh. I've been cooking double vegetables in a desperate bid to use them before they go bad and to keep Matt from getting the scurvy...unless of course he has a hidden desire to be a pirate.

BlogHer or something

So, the weirdest thing about blogher was that almost none of the people I met were writers. More than one woman asked me who I blog for and when I said "me" they looked at me like I had five heads. What a concept, to blog for oneself. To not be selling a product or researching a market, how novel...how quaint. A lot of people asked me how long I've been blogging and I've never really thought about it, I had to count on the spot and it was almost 8 years. I started back when you had to work the html yourself. I felt like an old lady...when I started blogging it was uphill both ways in THIS much snow! They were all new bloggers, within a year or two, and they all looked at me like "oh my god, you've been blogging that long and you're not Dooce yet!" The fear was palpable. So was my irritation. I'm definitely going to have to work on that, a professional demeanor. Or something.

In some ways it was a very expensive disappointment, but I learned a lot. None of what I expected to learn but lessons none the less. In a very practical way I suppose it was worth it but I won't be rushing out to go again. I don't fancy paying to be part of someone else's market research again.

But that makes it sound like I didn't have any fun at all ever. Which isn't true because there was a lot of chocolate. And I had a lovely roommate who had really excellent hair in addition to being a sweetie. There she is working while I took a picture of my feet, cute flip flops!

And then PastaQueen ate half my dinner, it's going to be a whole chapter in my memoir. It was very romantic and all, candlelit...very special.

And then I got my ass kicked in bowling by a pregnant woman. Lisa was really a very good sport about wiping the floor with Rebecca and I, gracious.

I'm very happy to be home with Matt and puppy and my sofa and my bed. It was a long day but I didn't have to stage a bus protest on the road to Indianapolis so I made out pretty good. And I got a shit load of cleaning products, more re-usable bags than I could ever lose and a disturbing bunny shaped vibrator so all in all it was an interesting weekend.

"no, your fat makes you look fat"

And other lovely things people have said to me this weekend. Actually she was kidding but it still took me off guard. I came here thinking "gee, I don't know if I'm a fitness blogger" and then that was the only panel that spoke to me. Half the people here are schilling for someone elses business and it's really alienating. I'll write more about that from a real computer but from here on out I'm waving the fitness flag.

"I'm just a slut, where's my parade?"

Im supposed to be learning about my personsl value bit I really just want a free walmart swag bag.

Chicago bus drivers are really very nice

I didn't die on the plane so that's something. I told everyone the plane would be tiny and they all said "no, Chicago is huge...it'll be a big plane" but no. I've seen purses bigger than that plane. But anyway that part is over, I'm sitting in our room pining for rebecca...and also staring down the minibar. Chicago transport rocks by the way, thanks Nick!

"lies around on his back all day. Sounds like hard work to me."

I'm watching Clue and baking cookies and finishing up the dishes. I really don't want to do the dishes. Do you think Matt would notice if I buried them in the yard instead? Me either, he'll be much too busy with all the furries and cheepies and all the other Matt things he has planned. I'm driving to NH today and flying to chicago tomorrow if I can will myself on to the plane. I haven't flown since multiple pairs of mix matched scrunchy socks were popular. I keep reading the TSA website about what to do and what I can bring and thank christ I'm flying out of Manchester because I'm pretty sure that airport is relaxed and small enough to hold my hand a bit. Also I have that xanax from my hair lady so if there's an inflight disturbance and a crazy woman gets arrested in chicago it's me. Hi!

I've left Matt instructions in case I crash. On a post-it note. Classy! Mostly he's supposed to take the best care he can of my woof and my meow and inherit all twelve of my dollars. Lucky, lucky man. And now woofy really wants to go outside so I'm off.