"she must be tired of something"

I'm embarking on a very Amy day: watching a movie while listening to the radio, cleaning my closet, baking cookies and making spaghetti sauce. I have a huge desire to go out for no real reason so I've lined up a full day of household distractions to keep me from wasting gas and time and also I really need to wash my floor. I made my laborers go with me to Bangor on all my errands yesterday for the strict purpose that I wouldn't have to go out again this weekend. In exchange for their patience we stopped at a big ass yard sale. I found some really cute glass bowls in the shape of apples (which, wow is clear glass ever difficult to photograph) and the boys bought a ridiculously old and heavy boom box. Which I accidentally incited a bidding war over by helping them find a cord...the yardsale lady didn't realize we were together...whoops! I think they still got it for 2 dollars but geez, I didn't mean to drive up the prices on them. I learned who all the dads are because they were searching through the baby clothes and debating teddy bears, it was adorable beyond words.

*I just finished my cookies and they kind of suck. I'm not really a big sugar cookie fan anyway but I just had this urge and it's disappointing. Maybe they need frosting. Maybe Matt will eat them anyway. Maybe if I threaten to cry if he doesn't. Hmmm.*

So, I was poking around walmart yesterday with my guys, as I'm wont to do, and I found a very annoying bag of trail mix. It was called "dietary mix". Dietary mix. As opposed to what? If you eat it, it's dietary as in a part of one's diet. Oreos could say "dietary" and it would be true. What they wanted to write was "trail mix for fat people" and someone in PR slapped their wrists and they thought, dietary...sounds like diet...go for it. It sort of reminded me of something in a round about sort of way. I'm not sure how many of you guys are Dooce readers but I'm going to mention her cleanse anyway. I should say she's doing the Oprah cleanse and taking a lot of shit for it. She takes a lot of shit for getting up in the morning, the price you pay for making enough money with your blog to pay a mortgage I suppose. Anyway, the cleanse is a sugar, caffeine and alcohol free/vegan diet and she's doing it not to lose weight but to take better care of her body and no one seems to be pleased about it. It sort of reminds me of the look on people's faces when I tell them I exercise. "You're so fat, if you exercised wouldn't you be skinnier?". I think there's an assumption that skinny people must eat well, as an intrinsic value of thinness...just like skinny people must also be happier and smarter and better all around.

I'm taking the reaction in a very fat-centric way. People are used to Oprah being on a diet, what's it been like 20 years? Dooce is perfectly skinny and doesn't generally make weight an issue, at least on her blog. I think we're brainwashed that only fat people can be on a diet and only fat people should think a moment about the food they put in their mouths. There was this episode of Bones in the first season where skinny girl b tells group a through d that this other girl must be insecure because she's got a perfect figure but was eating a fat free muffin. Love that show, hate that line. Seriously, how many calories are there in muffins even if they're fat free, you could power a small town on those carbs. That always bothers me but then it bothers me too that we're supposed to believe that she looks like that without ever considering a morsel she eats and this one fat free muffin is a ringing bell of insecurity. Food is so annoying sometimes, I hate it. I love cooking and well, obviously eating, but god wouldn't it be easier if it was all like space food...pre-packaged for nutrition and you just ate it because you had to and then got back to work.

The forces of society need to sell coke and hamburgers and whatever 7 layer burritonator taco bell is flogging to keep our happy consumption economy rolling. How we can vilify the fat and celebrate that kind of eating at the same time and not see any kind of connection is incomprehensible. It's incomprehensible to me anyway that anyone really cares about what other people eat. I don't stalk and threaten the people who go through the Mcdonalds drive-thru, why should anyone care whether someone wants to change their diet for their health. People don't pelt diabetics with sweets in the street or force feed red meat to cardiac patients, who cares if someone cuts sugar and alcohol out of their diets. I just don't get it, I really don't.

"the shrill note of hysteria in my voice"

I totally was wearing band aids that day, I'm not a complete masochist. I just play one on my blog. Heh. I think that joke is a riot, so obviously I have caught the bug that has half my office out sick. It's very inconvenient really because we're short staffed and the illness has caused my brain to go missing and really we need all the working brains we can get. It took me an hour and a half to get all the crews out this morning. We were hemorrhaging money while they dicked around with their schedules and I want very much to strangle them all. How do you say that in spanish? I'll have to look it up.

I'm trying extra hard not to cave to stupid sugar snacking today. Yesterday I was a bit stressed and I bought myself A. coke and 2. a bag of double chocolate milanos for lunch. I make very bad choices when I am pressured, choices that make me feel terribly ill as much as choices that make me fat. It's not smart. I am a smart free zone at the moment. I tried to give my cookies away but my guatamalan boyfriends have developed a sensitivity to taking things they know are/were mine. I think it's probably my fault because they offered to cook me meat a while back and uhm, obviously, I couldn't partake and it was difficult to explain. Thank christ I'm a vegetarian actually because as sweet as they are they don't hold with the very american values of saran wrap and refrigeration and eating meat that sat out for a week would probably kill me. Not to be a big fat snob about it or anything.

The boyfriend is working late all week so I have a week's worth of dates with my new book. I'm very excited about it and he's excited about eating all the things I'm going to learn how to make so it's going to be a good week. I marinated a steak that almost made him cry last night, imagine what I could do with, like, training.

big, heavy, copper colored happiness!

It's beautiful, Thank you!

welcome to sarcasmville, population: you

Today was craptastic for no particular reason. It was one of those bermuda triangle sort of days where situations and conversations wander too close to the epicenter of evil and go all to hell. People were saying and doing things that were completely insane and out of character and seriously friday the 13th is over. Furthermore, I hereby swear that if one more person says to me "it's not my problem" I will kill them and it will be just. My anger had nothing to do with my boss, who was home sick and sounded genuinely to be dying, every one else was just being a wanker...technical term. Maybe I'm expecting too much of 42 year old men who mow lawns for a living, maybe the problem is me and I need to accept that the white male empowerment of lawn maintenance providers is righteous and omniscient.

Ooh, grumpy! I'm feeling better actually. Matt had a poo of a day too so we grrr'd at each other over dinner and I think we both feel better. If it wasn't raining I'd be jogging...which I'm totally in love with. Not only am I enjoying my new shoes but I've spent a small fortune at iTunes and my mornings rock now. Pun totally intended. The one hitch is that my new running shoes are covered in blood...which is more "disgusting" than "hitch" actually. The heel support is just a little higher than my old shoes and it's rubbing me the wrong way. Again, pun totally intended. You know you've reached runner status when you draw blood and are in pain and keep running anyway. Matt is very proud. I'm proud too. There's a very special something about going from professional ass sitter to one who enjoys running, on purpose. I love calling myself a runner, I should totally make a t-shirt...dude.

"para hacer galletas?"

I wore my new running shoes this morning and it was awesome. They're so squishy and bouncy and make me want to run all the time. Once again I'm faced with the reality that tools are important when it comes to exercise and to deny myself the right things is counter-productive. My old running shoes are perfectly clean and neat and shiny and it makes me think that I don't need new ones even though I've been running/walking in them for a year and a half and the soles are done used up. All the experts say you need new shoes for running pretty frequently and seriously, it makes a difference. They have like knowledge and expertise, that's what makes them, you know, experts so I should stop thinking I'm so smart and just do what I'm told.

Last time I got all bloggy with it did I mention that I haven't stood on a scale in ages. I actually had to vacuum it this weekend. Sad. I have noticed that my pants are getting a little looser, especially in the ass...which as you know I HATE. Why must the ass disappear, cup size man...I want to lose a cup size dammit...or at least the waist...I'm a little melancholy about the loss of the junk in my trunk. I'm going to need a junk implant, it's going to be embarrassing.

How do you follow that, I don't even know where that thought came from. I haven't had to pack chocolate for the day in ages. I can totally tell how well things are going by how much chocolate I eat in a week. This week has been almost completely chocolate free so it must be pretty good. I always think it's sort of a cop-out to let your hard work go to hell because things in your life go badly but damn is it easier to do the right things when you don't want to jump off a bridge. We humans are very complex.

No puedo comerlo

This weekend I spent a lot of time with my south of the border buddies. Did you know that you can put half a pound of sugar in a gatorade and not end up in a coma...I had no idea. I would have thought coma was the best possible conclusion to drinking that much sugar but apparently he lived to work another day. They buy and eat a hell of a lot of simple carbs, I really do worry. It makes me feel like a health nut american to question their purchases.

Our big trip to walmart was hilarious. We drove by a "mexican restaurant" which the kids from guatemala thought was really funny and probably with good reason considering mostly it's a quick-e-mart. I keep hearing them say, in english, "mexican restaurant" and giggling. You know they were doing the guatemalan equivalent to air quotes. I told my boyfriend about it later and he was like "but it's good, if you want a burrito or something" which is a violent defense for someone who has never eaten a burrito in his life. I guess he's a little sensitive about his hometown, que pobrecita!

One of the boys wanted to learn how to bake a cake, so we did and it was adorable. The other boys gave him a hard time but I told him every girl wants a man that can cook and then we had rapt attention. He was in charge of the mixer which I think he really liked. Remijio is officially my new favorite, we're making cookies next week.

Is it obvious that I have totally stopped blogging about anything fat related? Oh, it is? Ok, good. I'm still running every morning (and hey, yay for new shoes!) and telling myself I need to do Pilates without actually doing it and eating salads and blah blah but really not much has changed. I'm still a twelve and most of the time I think I look just fine. I have to remind myself of my best friend's wedding and how I really don't want to be chub-a-lub in those pictures but really that doesn't help me much. I have to find enough will to try harder without putting myself under the kind of pressure that makes you put half a pound of sugar into your gatorade. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

"it smells funny"

That's actually the most accurate Buffy quote I've ever used for a title. Notice the blandness. Anyway, the other day I came home and there was a big ass t-bone sitting on top of the trash. Where oh where did that meat come from...I asked myself. I'm usually very into my meat purchases, especially ones with coupons on the packages and it was really weird that I forgot about a big ass t-bone. I left it in the trash because it looked pretty gross but it was a serious meat mystery. Matt came in a little while later and solved the mystery for me. Someone...the someone who buys the groceries...done left the steak in the potato bag and left the potato bag in the cupboard...for a week and a half. You know you're out of touch when you have gobs of flesh sitting around your house rotting and you don't even notice.

To point out the obvious, I've been really distracted lately. I'm working a lot and things are going well and my spanish is coming along nicely. The boys almost talk to me now since I brought them all my movies that have spanish surround sound and explosions. They put the Bourne Identity on immediately and then switched to harry potter, they're just so cute!

third nipple

You know your bug bites are disgusting beyond the call of duty when your dearest friend at work says "that one looks like a third nipple". It was a very gross day. My favorite part was when one of our biggest strongest men came in to show my work bff his bug bites and she said "you think that's bad...check out amy" and then he did and he smiled for the first time all day. He was really happy about my pain and burning and I was happy to bring him some joy. And he didn't even see it at it's worst because the calamine really dulled the redness and the pulsating. It still looks like a communicable disease. Matt very gingerly applied caladryl for me and he said "oh good, it's oozing" so YAY for that.

And you know, mine wasn't the worst day because one of my guatemalans had to explain to the one english speaker how he needed a shot in the ass. And then they had to explain it to all the white women at work starting with the lead designer. I can't imagine having to tell all those people you need a shot in the ass and could they maybe help you out with that. We actually figured something out and went to walmart and got some vitamins and hopefully that works because I really don't want him to be sick. I really don't. I want everyone to be well and happy and YAY and if the guys at work who work in the bugs all day want to revel in my pus, well then so be it. I can roll with that.

There's something really satisfying about pushing things through a wood chipper.

But it makes you tired as hell. Tired like there aren't words for. And also thirsty. And maybe a little bit whiny. I swear thought that I only just started whining, now that the work is done. It really was awesome exercise, god knows I wouldn't exercise all day if we didn't have a garden full of trees to deal with. Seriously though, next time we're burning that shit.

My guatemalans made me buy sneakers this weekend. They made me go to shaws, which is next to reny's, which is where I found two pairs of squishy running shoes which I didn't need to buy. I mean, I do kind of need new running shoes but I don't need two pairs and now the guatemalans think I'm a big spender. Actually, that was the mexican guy who made me show him my purchases and almost died after seeing the price. I almost killed my workers with shopping. You know you have a problem when...

I feel justified in having one new pair of running shoes because I've actually been running. Every day this week, and last week but not so much today because of the "oh my god" chipping. I'm quite proud of myself actually. I always feel like I'm not exercising enough, castrating myself for just running and not doing pilates and kickboxing and also I really need to vacuum. I'm deciding to be proud of all the things I do accomplish instead of loathing myself for all the things I don't do. So, YAY for running.

Right now I'm too tired to type. Everyone should have a chipper in their home gyms, and a forest.

No quiero hablarte

At college one of the cutest, sweetest girls in the whole world lived across the hall from me. We called her Pooh, and she was cute and sweet and also had a weird fixation with the state of New Jersey but, you know, whatever...we loved her. She was up for anything and would do anything for you. She was a freshman when I was a junior and living in my big, fancy single room. We used to do pathetically lazy things like IM to each other across the hallway, or call each other from one side of the concrete wall to the other. On one very special occasion I called Pooh to come to my room, I told her I needed help with something. Dutifully she came over and when she got there I asked her to hand me the notebook by my door so I didn't have to get up. She did it before realizing that I was being an asshole and then we had a stuffed animal fight. It was awesome. So, of course, I had to do it again. That scenario played out a few times...Ring Ring "Pooh, I NEED you"..."can you find my remote?" enter pillow fight stage left.

I'm not particularly proud of being the upperclassman that makes freshmen do menial jobs even if they do happen to be in love with New Jersey. I feel I have grown in to a decidedly helpful and kind person. So, from a point of pure belief in my own perfection I tell you that I absolutely will not do anyone else's bitch work at my job. I am an assistant. ALL of my work is bitch work and I really don't need any more. Long story short, I had a grumpy gus of a day. Someone told me that they're putting me on the schedule for the register so someone can go home early a few days a week. No, no you're really not. If I wanted to work on a cash register I would work at walmart and not have to take my insane ass job home with me every night.

The very difficult part is that this someone is the same someone who asked her previous co-worker (the one who recently quit with no notice) to get her a tissue from across the room (no fucking wonder). I'm not going to be that person. I have worked very hard to be what I need to be for this job and not a. go insane or b. kill anyone, while actually impressing my post-it note counting boss. I'm not doing your job too, I'm just not.

This person has told me I need to work more hours to help her, no...you're not my boss. This person has asked me to empty buckets for her...yeah, I didn't go to college to empty buckets. This person actually gives me more trouble than my actual boss, which is impressive beyond words and has made me cranky. I just got to thinking this job was do-able. RATS!

"You exercise!?"

How do you say "ouch" in spanish? Our trip to the grocery store went very well, except that my Mexican boyfriend thinks I'm a fat ass. He asked me what time I had gotten up that morning (amongst other weird questions, but whatever...there is the cultural divide) and I said "six, to run" only in spanish and he looked at me like I was lying. He was totally thinking "how could you be that fat and exercise?" only in spanish. I know he was. What he actually said wasn't so bad, no, really it kind of was and if he spoke better english I'd have called him on it but I'm desperate for them not to think I'm mean so I didn't. I guess he could have meant it in a "you're so trim and lovely, why do you need to exercise?" sort of way but the shock was rather too much for that sentiment.

I've learned that the boys buy pepsi and cornmeal and have now realized that I speak more spanish than I let on and are much more careful about what they say around me. The older guys did their own thing and bought real food, like fish, and vegetables. They all went to the dollar store and bought them out of galletas (cookies) which are probably made of sawdust and pig fat but affordable. It solves one problem because I wasn't sure what to do about one of their birthdays coming up and now I know all I have to do is bake cookies and I'll be even more of a goddess than I am now, and they'll all understand how I can run every day and still be fat. Heh.

What else, what else is new? I'm still learning how to use my phone and it's great fun and also I dropped it already. I expect Sugarcrook to be timing it's demise so I might as well come clean. The canvas tote I've been using as a bag lately feel pretty hard in the home depot bathroom and pretty much the iphone took the brunt. It still works but my heart died a little. This is exactly why I can't have nice things. I'm the "your mother told you" poster girl. And also, you can't pay too much for a good pair of shoes.

"you look trim and lovely today"

Every chubby white girl should have a fan club of foreign laborers. Seriously. It's the best therapy ever. It's awesome. And also I'm so glad tomorrow is friday. All I have to do is everything I didn't get done this week and then take my spanish speakers to walmart...which will probably be very interesting and totally blogworthy. The gentleman who is the contact for the spanish speakers has taken to writing and calling me only in spanish...which is hilarious actually. I need to learn to say "tricky" in espanol. I did say I was practicing and now I'm being practiced upon. Funny, funny Guatemalans.

I played with my phone all day like a big geek and it was awesome. I love it, I'm a macbot now. I have apple on the brain, in the blood, and look I'm totally still being a geek. And baking brownies. I had to bribe my designer in to work tomorrow with chocolate. I need her that bad, I need her baking brownies bad. Our relationship is built on chocolate and there's nothing wrong with that. Love, sex, chocolate, apple...what more can one ask for?

Oh, God

I'm activating the iphone right now. It tingles.

That's how we roll.

I haven't hit the scale in a very long time but I have been hitting the trail with a vengeance and all those 12's I bought for the job in february are starting to get loose again. Which is great, I wish I had some ridiculously low number to go with it but too big pants is great. I haven't been feeling super diety which is probably pretty good for the weight loss actually. I'm so busy at work that I hardly think about whatever I brought for lunch, it's just fuel to get the next project done. The walking and running really helps with the stress, I want to run all the time to get out and think and clear my head and it burns calories! Yay!

But anyway, size 11. I'm making that up but it makes me feel happy to think my sizes are dropping. It's the fantasy clothing size in my head that doesn't really exist. Really I still have some 12's that don't fit and some 10's that fit fine. The numbers are driving me crazy which is why I've decided to make them up, and so 11. Who needs reality anyway, totally over-rated. A person based in reality wouldn't buy an expensive ass cell-phone the same week she bought an expensive ass camera but god it's a wonderful week. Apparently I love stuff so much more than I thought, it's shameful. I'm ashamed of my love for these inanimate objects but OH SO HAPPY.

"tell them your mean, rotten boyfriend said to take it back"

That's a direct quote. He is watching me use it as a title and is now leaving to sharpen the chainsaw. It's very man vs. blog. The thing is that I bought an iphone yesterday. It would be exciting except that I am completely terrified of opening it. Mostly I just take it out of the bag and pet it, and then put it back. I went to at&t to browse new phones and somehow I handed over my discover card. The tempestuous love affair with Apple continues. The practical part of me can't help thinking it was a very, very stupid thing to do. Not fiscally responsible. Matt has been enjoying spreading the news and watching the shock and horror. The same girl who hoards coupons and stockpiles sale items bought a 400 dollar cell phone, it's a bit out of character and he's getting good mileage out of the situation. I simply can't decide what to do. On the one hand...oh my god is that a lot of money, on the other the phone is practically indestructible which is a definite bonus. Anyway, go ahead and write me and tell me I'm an idiot or not, I'd love the feedback.

On the fitness front I walked five miles this weekend. I'm tired just writing that. I feel really awesome about it. Last week was a long week and this week is going to be a long week and tomorrow I get to take my new guys grocery shopping. Quieres ir a al supermercado? I'm doing ok on saying things to my spanish speakers, but I'm officially crap at understanding them. I put some spanish language films on my netflix, I need to practice listening to native speakers. Funny how my 99% wasp high school didn't prepare me for real life spanish speaking. Can't blame the school for what you choose not to learn though so it's either fly to spain or watch some spanish language films. I have three coming tomorrow and one features a triple same sex marriage ceremony...spanish hijinks are sure to ensue! I just hope they don't teach me to say anything untoward, I'm pretty sure they already think I'm crazy. (Which by the way is totally not my fault, there's some problem with my car's security system that causes it to bark like a dead seal every time I unlock it and the barking makes me growl and it's more or less like a day at the zoo only with a sunroof and a cd player and witnesses. It's embarrassing to say the least.) Wouldn't it rock if they all had blogs?

Ogled in three languages

It's probably better that I don't know exactly what they're saying because I'm a much more compassionate soul without all the details. I'm trying to think of it as flattery actually. It's not so horrible to be admired. Funny to think I have to lose more weight to get less attention. The skinny women at work get noticeably less attention than me. I'm not sure how I feel about it, it was sort of peaceful to be under the radar and if anything that idea makes me want to lose more weight. I should anyway, the snapping of my knees with all the stairs is getting a bit old. I've started carrying my athletic tape, which in pure Amy fashion I have been referring to as my athletic support, incase my knee bothers me. I'm not entirely sure that dropping a few more pounds will make all the difference but it can't hurt and if vanity alone isn't enough of a motivator, health might just work.

I ordered a new camera today. I went with Pentax but I chose the K20D, a medium fancy. Exactly 5 minutes after I placed the order my cell phone broke. Not that these things are very related, it's just that I might not have spent the money knowing I would need to spend even more. It turns out the contract ends in a few days and I can get a new one relatively cheap but geez, I need one thing that doesn't fail five seconds before the warranty is up. I am cursed with the electronics, I hope that doesn't bode ill for the camera. Maybe I should google digital sorcery and make a talisman out of motherboards and micro chips. Anyway, I can use all my lenses with it and it promises to be awesome. I have a ton of photos to take for work and so I can write it off and keep files of the photos for a portfolio and it'll rock. I'm pretty sure.

early o'clock

I'm awake super early today and it's not to exercise. Which bums me out actually. I'm bummed for lots of reasons because I have to go in and help the crews get set up this morning...being one of the few that can say more than cerveza en espanol. I am loathe to get to work early because my boss will be all confused and think I'm working 60 hour weeks like many of the other salaried people. I'm not. There are few things that keep this job worth my while and if I end up working those kind of hours I'll be making the same money as I would at McDonalds. And I'd have zero time to exercise and that's just not an option.

So, I'm awake and I'm not running and it's pissing me off. That's my post today. I guess that's better than eating lard and not running and watching daytime tv. Have to keep it relative I suppose. It's been sort of great to be so busy at work. My legs are killing me from the stairs which is awesome and I have no time to think about food at all. The problem there is that I come home starving then bad decisions get made. Like super pretzels. One of the girls at work got me into these awesome microwave pretzels and I hate her. I don't buy snack food for a reason. If I have to make it myself I'm much less likely to eat a ton of it and actually get around to making it, home cooking + laziness = instant diet. No more super pretzels for me. Nothing that comes bulk frozen can be meant for a life of healthy moderate balance.

"como estas?"

I often wonder how it came to be that I am the expert on so many things at work. Computers, banks, money, advertising, all sorts of things and some of them make sense. Today I am the expert on speaking spanish and hot damn, that sucks. We have 6 very nice, probably, spanish speaking workers starting today and wow do I wish I had listened to Senor Quesada in the 8th grade. He was Cuban and he had excellent clothes and wore sunglasses instead of a scowl like all the other teachers did. Damn it, why do I remember his wardrobe and not the verb forms we repeated over and over.

I have promised the guys I'm going to practicar a ayudar them which is about the most relevant thing I have in my lexicon. Donde esta el bano? only takes you so far when explaining landscaping. Wish me buena suerte.

"I don't have time for bondage fun"

Blogging from work, big no no. Fortunately my boss has no idea what a blog is. I'm super busy but it's been so long and I hate being a slacker. Things have been crazy with the traveling and the untraveling. There's a lot of work to do when you get home from a long weekend, dishes and cooking and baking and a boyfriend on the brink of starvation. He did a good job of cooking for himself this weekend, only the chairman of the meows ate all his food. Apparently she's quite a thief when I'm gone, who even knew she liked mashed potatoes.

I got my stimulus money, so that's exciting. It's camera buying money, I just have to find time to place the order. I was planning on saving it and being a grown-up but whatever. I hardly ever have money I don't have a plan for and I wanted to buy a camera anyway so why not shop shop shop. Normally when I go to visit my friends it's a spending extravaganza but everyone is between jobs or saving for school and it was a very calm weekend. Except that Frederick is totally full of yuppies, they were everywhere like a plague of blond average white people. I don't care how much money you have, you can't buy a personality.

I just got back from the dentist and I have no cavities. No drilling sans novacaine this time, thank god. I think I lost something of my apathy toward pain recently because this weekend we were discussing getting new tattoos (the Hood H from the old days, weren't we going to do that Sarah?) and I just felt so, well, OW about it. I don't remember ever considering the pain before. Probably I was too cool, or young, or stupid or all of the above. Now it's like, I already paid them and gave them four years of my life...I don't know that I want to mark a symbol they don't even used anymore on my skin with a needle. But I could change my mind, who knows. Next week I might be all over the masochism.

Animal Magnetism

There is a woodpecker trying to eat the side of my metal house. What's up Woody? I think he has an eating disorder. So, the antibiotic of promised puss removal. I'm taking it faithfully and it's making me want to die. Actually I feel better and worse, is that weird. I felt well enough to run this morning which was weird but it makes me really nauseous, which might be good for the diet so maybe it's all aces.

I guess I hadn't realized how sick I was because the antibiotics are making a huge difference. It actually felt good to exercise this morning as opposed to every other morning the last few weeks. I ignore a lot of the bad things that go on with me, sickness...broken knees, and then I'm always surprised how nice it feels when I get medical attention. I'm such a moron, I drive myself crazy.

"ooh, tiny"

I have petite ear tubes anyway. Lucky me. The doctor was a little frightened of my ears, she kept saying "it's dark in there" like she was starring in a slasher film instead of a medical office. Anyway I have pill the size of Zimbabwe and a slim hope to be not deaf soon so it's all good. And I bought myself a pity coke because I'm sick. And I felt like it. So there. And seriously if coke can eat rust it can probably solve my puss problem. Sexy!

I'll try for a quiet rage"

It's been a while since I posted last, I've been busy dying of an ear infection. Can an ear infection actually kill you or does it just drive you slowly mad? So far crazy and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. It's not horrible pain, just really annoying. It's kept from being able to sit down and concentrate but it hasn't kept me from rearranging my furniture. It's amazing how moving your things around makes your house so different. I moved kitty's favorite chair and I'm expecting a furry rebellion any minute. I replaced it with Matt's childhood desk to keep me typing properly until I find something or Matt builds something or whatever. I spent the whole weekend getting organized and also baking cupcakes. I'm going away again this weekend so I have to set up the house for bachelorhood. Cupcakes and frozen pizza, his is a glamourous life.

I'm going to visit some friends before one of them moves coasts. I can't wait. To celebrate I'm going to pick up a new camera. I'm thinking the Pentax K10d. I love my ancient film Pentax and the digitals have great reviews. If anyone has one I'd love to hear what they think of it.

I'd love to know how many of you are camera freaks and filmmakers. Some nice folks at Lipton contacted me recently about a new promotion that could win one of you a fancy new bike. I'm a tea freak so you know I was all over it. They're promoting their new white tea, which I love. I'll be posting about the details soon, as soon as I can think and hear again. It's hard to work on your blog with your head exploding from the inside out. More tomorrow with antibiotic goodness.

Cold hard truth

It's true dammit! Some one finally discovered facts to prove that women lose weight more slowly. Bless them.

High water

That title works on two levels because I totally ordered the pasta alfredo and ate it all but also because it's raining cats and poodles and I think my boyfriend drowned. Probably not but he's still outside sandbagging the waterfall in our driveway and if he's not actually drowned he's definitely grumpy. The good news is the well is full. Heh.

The good part about that dinner being over is that it's the last time we'll be eating out for a while. I'm placing a ban. Not only does it cost money and make me fat but also I have a deep desire to get my cooking on. Since I bought the new knives of much panting I've been doing a lot more cooking. It's amazing how the right tools make everything more fun. Tomorrow I'm stir frying some portabellas and I can't wait to chop them up. My old knives complained about chopping mushrooms, I didn't realize how very very bad they were until I wrote that, they were total chopping wimps.

Which leads me to me being a wimp. I'm not doing so hot with the getting back on track. The food nonsense is over, at least in the way of obligations, but I haven't lifted a finger toward sweating on purpose. My time gets all eaten up by things like dooce posting video of Prince covering Radiohead and playing with my new Adobe Photoshop and generally screwing around. I'm a bad, bad Amy. I need a time out. Actually I need a schedule engraved on some granite plinths for my living room. It has become obvious to me that I'm not going to fall into some swimsuit edition exercise routine by accident so I'm scheduling it. I can't be trusted to make it a priority so I'm going to schedule an activity a day and cross it off like a to do list until I get back into the swing...or a swimsuit, whatever. This lounging around waiting to get skinny is pathetic and sad. No one ever wasted into nothing watching tv and eating creamsicles. I don't know why I have to keep inventing the wheel on this crap, it's getting very old.

"When a tan loves a woman"

I'm baking cookies for the boyfriend and I as I selected my ingredients I thought to myself "why not try the Ghirardelli recipe?". Don't ever do this. The cookies are amazing but the dough is even better and you'll find yourself drowning in creamed butter and that's a bad thing. I'm coming off a bad food week plus some and I really think my plight would be lessened if these cookies didn't exist.

Last week was sort of rotten. Rotten in the way that there was a lot of leftover pizza and eating out and then more leftovers. This weekend was no different and even though I sort of feel like crap it's hard going back on salads and also we have to go out tomorrow night AGAIN! Can't begrudge a birthday but all of these "issues" and having to eat out and whatever stem from doing things for others and I guess I'm feeling a little thin. Ironic. I did go to trader joes while I was home and bought lots of exciting fruits and cheeses and I did have a very fabulous salad for lunch today, it's just work. Which is completely stupid. I hate myself for thinking that eating a healthy salad is work and microwave mac and cheese is so much easier except that eating it makes you want to throw yourself under a train. Anyway I ate my salad and I didn't pack any chocolate for work and this is a one day at a time deal and I'm ordering a damn salad tomorrow come hell or pasta alfredo.

In other news, I'm very disappointed in Sweden. I truly believed that I would go to IKEA and find the world's best desk and then I would dance with joy (and burn some calories). It didn't happen that way. I got some adorable roasting pans and plant pots and pretty much spent 60 dollars on things I really didn't need just to fill the desk shaped void in my heart. It was that sad. I'm still not over it. Clearly. The lack of perfect desks has forced me to draw something for the boyfriend to build. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I'm in an I want it now phase of my home decorating and what with the job and all it's hard for him to bow to all my demands in a timely manner no matter how many beatings. What can you do?

It's supposed to be "a vague disclaimer"

And also I think I used it before as a title so that's two no-nos and all in one post. Whoops! Apparently Best Buy keeps an eye out for mentions on blogs because someone stopped by after yesterday's post. Dear Best Buy scoper outer, the computer might be fine now but can I tell you about my DVD player because that's still very broken and still very much only a year old and funny enough I bought it at Best Buy.

I keep accidentally telling people that I got my wedding dress. It's almost as good as the day I told those french speaking tourists that the breakfast place was up the block and a la guerre. Only an american will tell you to go to war to get breakfast. What I should have said is that the bridesmaid dress that Holly got for me arrived and it almost fits! All I need is a ton of exercise, 6 months of starvation and a bra made of titanium. I'm not that negative about it, it actually looks pretty good. I'm a little to short and a little too busty but I expected that. Heels and a good bra should do the trick, probably heavy metal won't be required. I do have 6 months to find a tailor and shoes and get that starvation thing underway.

I've been trying not to think about the wedding in terms of "oh my god, I have to be skinny by then" because since when is that helpful. That sort of pressure doesn't motivate me. I'm more motivated by milestones in exercise and feeling good eating right. Not to say that I've had any of that this week. We did spend about an hour lugging brush tonight which was excellent exercise, I can tell from the dying. It turns out that trees are heavy and if I had realized that sooner I might not have been so eager to help. We're clearing the area where the orchard will be (yay!) and it's an awful lot of work. It smells nice though, I'm dirty but pine fresh. We have another acre to do for the garden, it's worth at least 5 pounds. At least.

"a vague threat is nobody's friend"

Last night Matt and I had to go out to dinner for a birthday. We were late but grandma was thrilled anyway. It's been a busy week and the restaurant is right next to a grocery store so I dragged a sleepy Matt over for tea and broccoli, staff of life and all that. And who do we run into but my Jamaican workforce. Who were pleased to see me and displeased to see Matt and told him several times, with shaking fingers, that if he wasn't good to me they'd be happy to take over. Heh. Honesty is a virtue I suppose.

It will amuse some of you who know me and my computer skills well enough to learn that I am the technical wizard at my job. It's amusing all around, especially when there is some computer emergency and they call me to fix it. Yesterday we tried to set up password protect on a very important computer. My boss is generally afraid of computers and doesn't want anything to happen to them. This is why we were passwording it in the first place only when I tried to set up a simple screensaver log on window it said there was already a password. There are some things I can do on the Mac that require a password so I tried to get the evil like satan windows vista machine to give it up and make me enter a password...without logging off of very important computer. I mentioned this to the primary user who said "I know what to do" and logged off. This is where the funny comes in because we didn't have the password. We entered every possible and whoops, nothing. I had to call the evil as satan geek squad who couldn't possibly help me over the phone and suggested I take the entire computer to Best Buy, have them back it up and then wipe it clean and start over. Help desk my ass. That's not helping. "Oh, you cut your finger...let's amputate and see if it grows back". What the hell kind of tech support is that? This would be the point where my head exploded because you do not tell your boss you have to wipe the computer clean after trying to set up a password. It's also the exact point when my boss ambled in on some other errand and said "I didn't mean for this to be so hard..." and wandered away again without really understanding that the computer was moments away from being a paperweight. Thank god, or buddha, everybody.

I sent some frantic emails to some very kind people and was in the process of creating a re-set disc from the locked computer's technological twin when they got the password...the very password the computer told me it couldn't accept because there was already a password. If I wasn't so relieved I would have run over it with a tractor. Seriously, it was an Office Space moment waiting to happen. At some point we have to do the same thing to the other half of the pair but we're not logging off of that bastard...not ever. And I'm making 7 re-set discs and I'll wear them like talismans and also I'll go to church that day and do the rosary wearing a hair shirt while I write a big fat tithe check. Desperate times, desperate measures. Even though my new iMac sometimes quits adobe the very second I have the photo perfect and that sometimes makes me cranky, I'll forgive it eternally because it's not a freaking Dell Vista piece of crap. It's important to count one's blessings, I think.

"I don't like skinny women"

I'm in love with a boy at work. Not only did he say, at 22, that he's definitely younger than me but today he said he prefers...err...rounder women. Could he be any more endearing? If anyone reading lives in Maine and has a fondness for Magic the Gathering players write me and I'll set you up. It's wrong on all sorts of levels but I love days at work when the bitterness isn't mine. I seem to have successfully put it all in a box, at least for now, and it's much better for the body and soul. I'm very much at peace right now and trying to get my own things in order. Some of that involves buying things like desks and computer programs and plane tickets which does make me a little nervous with the spending but I need to live my life my way eventually.

I need a workspace at home and I'm completely in love with Adobe and I really want to go to BlogHer this year but mostly I need a desk before my arms fall off. I have adult things to do like work and file and I need a desk damnit! so I'm getting one. It's harder than I thought because I don't want some cheap piece of crap, it's time to start buying furniture I like instead of furniture I can easily afford and also it has to fit in my house. Pretty much I have to get to IKEA and make a decision. It's time to have an office and get organized. I'm trying very hard to get things together and move forward and yadda yadda yadda. Be a grown-up is my theme for the year, 2008 is the year of maturity and also a lot of shopping. Computers and programs and desks and some medium fancy kitchen knives that make me tingle all over.

I hate being a spender but it's true that you can only deny for so long and some things add to the quality of your life more than they add to the clutter and I really love those knives. I want to go chop something right now, if I could chop and type I would. Sugarcrook pointed me to a knife book a while back and I've been meaning to get a new set for ages. The more research you do on knives the more you want to spend but I'm not that comfy so I bought a cheap set of J. A. Henkels at Target. I keep thinking that if I'm this hot and bothered over the trailer park cousins of the super excellent knives I'll want to marry the real thing. I have something to save for again as soon as I buy my new office set-up. Goals are a good thing right?

Fool's Energy

On day one of babysitting my dad asked me if we needed any groceries and I gave him a list and on it was coke. He brought me a case. According to the number of cans I brought home, I drank 5 in three days. Sad, sad, sad. I'm very tired and I really don't think the soda helped me keep up with the children, neither did the cookies or the pizza for breakfast. I gained two pounds over three days of babysitting. You know that saying "an inability to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part", I didn't plan and I ate like it was an emergency and it wasn't. Clearly my dad would have brought me anything I wanted and I didn't ask for salad and fruit. I have to go back next weekend for a birthday and there's another birthday dinner on tuesday, it's going to be a long week of walks and salads and cake mixed in.

The children wore me out completely. Three days have never passed so fast in all my life. I knew going in it would be hard and I should count myself lucky that they're not the sort of kids who cry over being with babysitters. Maybe it's different when it's family, I don't know. I wish I had thought of more fun stuff to do, mostly we played in the dirt and then blew bubbles with dish soap bubble stuff (get dirty and then play in soap, I'm a genius).

I'm finding it hard to sum up my weekend. I had all these grand schemes of writing and being brilliant but it turns out that all of my sister's neighbors have passwords for their wireless networks, bastards, and also I spent every minute the children weren't awake cleaning up noodles and cookie slime and sleeping myself. I brought some netflix to watch and didn't even get close. Instead I have every line of Dora Saves the Mermaids lasered on my brain. Not that Dora was all bad, there was an island with pirate piggies and one of them had a peg leg and I really wonder who ate it because pigs that solve problems by dancing the conga probably don't have raging sea battles. Mmmm, barbecue.

Multimedia message

I have lots to do so obviously I'm blogging it

I bought a very cheap dvd player yesterday. I feel conflicted about it but I'm going away this weekend and I'm taking the computer and someone has Cannonball Run to watch while I'm gone and it would be cruel to deny him. And also it was 30 dollars and it'll probably last till I die given the current state of things. It might be the best thing I ever bought, so I'm conflicted but full of hope. I have a lot to do today to get ready, I'm leaving tonight to babysit for the weekend. I'm feeling stressed about getting ready for the trip which I'm sure will be very amusing in hindsight of events to follow. I am forever in awe of my sister, I only have a cat and I'm struggling getting out the door on time.

The very bad thing is that I should be walking right now. I mastered no chocolate last week and this week I added move your ass, so I've been taking a 2 mile walk every morning. Until today because I left so much undone last night. Obviously I'm not doing it now because I'm very clearly blogging, one must prioritize. I felt this need to document the walks and how they didn't kill me incase I'm not inclined to start again on Monday. Getting those two miles in makes me feel like I have something to be proud of for the rest of the day and then I don't have to worry about whether or not I get in other exercise at night...which is quite difficult lately. I'm sure the children will keep me running this weekend, and if the weather's nice we'll be playing and going for walks and if I didn't still have to pack I'd be feeling very optimistic right now.

Slim Mints

Almost exactly a year ago I bought a new dvd player. I scrimped and saved and checked consumer reports and then went to Best Buy and paid 200 dollars for a fancy dvd player which holds five discs and has five speakers and five is really the magic number here because it died exactly that many days after the warranty ended. Ironical. It's not completely fair to say it's "dead". It's quite rude of me I'm sure because the radio still works and who doesn't need the radio feature on their dvd player to work, radio is a very special feature after all and clearly it's not dead dead if the radio works. AARGH! This is a pirate growl moment if ever there was one.

I'm pissed about the dvd player. I've lived here for 4 years and I've gone through 4 dvd players and that's just not right. The money, the waste, it's very annoying. I purposely sprung for the fancy reliable one (consumer reports approved people!) so as not to have to replace it in exactly a year. I'm not sure what to do now. Matt thinks I stress them with my use and I think I'm cursed or maybe I kicked a puppy in my last life but I think the fact that karma is targeting only the dvd player is a little bit specific for a force of cosmic balance. Probably I overuse it.

I like noise in my house and I don't have cable so I play movies or tv shows on dvd pretty much all the time. I hang with Hyacinth while I'm cleaning and I watch Firefly while I'm baking. Sometimes I listen to music but at heart I'm a tv addicted dork and I admit it freely. The player broke this weekend and it's been really quiet. I played some vhs tapes and it was like watching cave paintings being made. It was kind of nostalgic actually, like any minute your best friend is going to throw Rolos at you or put your underwear in the freezer. Anyway, dvd players in my house get a lot of use and I just don't know what to do. Complex electronics should not be disposable but I'm certain it will cost as much as a new one to fix the old one and god knows when it'll go down the drain again. Philosophic questions such as these require much thought and also snacks.

Which leads me to wondering if anyone else has been shocked by their girl scout cookies this year? To complain about one's girl scout cookies is to admit that one is eating them and I do. It's a regular confessional in here today except that I never did learn the rosary properly. Catholic insanity aside, the quality of our samoas and thin mints really sucks. Those are of course the only kind we buy and so I have no idea if Tagalong admirers are suffering or not. I hope not. It's very upsetting when 20 years of snacking memories are wiped away by a single box. Girl scout cookies are so much more about the longing than the actual product but this year the longing is dead like my dvd player. I grilled my sister about her cookies and she said she didn't notice so I'm wondering if it's a Maine cookie conspiracy. Our cookies are pallid and sad looking and to prove their unworthyness we opened the box last week and they're still on the counter. They might as well be brussels sprouts. Next year I think I'll just write them a check. I never thought eating cookies would make me so depressed.

"This isn't a tupperware party, it's a little hard to plan"

I had to hide from a gay man in Target today. I've been thinking lately that my life is really boring and that nothing interesting happens to me anymore but that's not actually true. The true truth is that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been able to think and write and tell my stories. And then you find yourself ducking behind displays of discount lingerie and you think that life can't go on if you don't find a way to blog this. It was pure instinct to hide in the lingerie section, I figured of all the places in Target mr. scary gay man wouldn't visit, number one would be the discount panty aisle. In retrospect I shouldn't have been so afraid of anyone driving a yellow volkswagen beetle. The thing is that that parking space was mine. MINE. And it was a little unnecessary to park behind me and gesture like that. All I could think was "I hope Fried Green Tomatoes isn't his favorite movie". I guess he was more of a Steel Magnolias kind of guy because he didn't trash my car.

I ended up sitting with the doors locked pretending to look for something in my purse like a big sissy waiting for him to give up and park somewhere else and then ran like hell when he was gone. BECAUSE I AM A LOSER. And then I called my sister because who do you call when you're hiding out from a bitch slapping, hair pulling showdown in Target? What's the protocol for a situation like that? What would that handy yellow survival book say under parking lot scuffles? I bet it says hide in the panties, I'm sure of it. Anyway I didn't go to Target for underthings so I had to venture out to greeting cards eventually and did in fact spend the whole time peeking around corners just in case. I felt very exposed at the register, it was painful. Why is it in Target that there are five cars outside and yet the lines are fifty people long. Is that some kind of clown car Target shopping algebra equation that defies the laws of physics? It was very tense for me.

My whole shopping day was ruined with the tension. I walked through the gap and I kept thinking it was sort of a shame that we didn't end up having a fight in the parking lot and then becoming friends and then we could go shopping together. Probably that only happens in movies. In real life you get run over by a yellow volkswagen or maybe he says something hurtful about your shoes. It's been a very hard day.

"I like chocolate. There is no bad here"

Three days. I've passed the hump. Yay for me. I'm very impressed with myself. I'm also very impressed with the growth of our sprouts. Did I mention we're growing a farms worth of veggies in our kitchen? It's very exciting. It would be more exciting if there weren't still snow covering the stumps that are in the field that will be the garden but what can you do? Clearly we have a lot of work to do to further our gardening endeavors. We're growing lots of exciting things, soon we'll have fresh herbs and later we'll have fresh veggies and potatoes and also cat nip. I can't wait for summer, I really can't. Gardening is going to be good for me on so many levels, wonderful exercise and all that fresh food to eat. I'm growing tons of tomatoes to can so I can win my suzy homemaker award and prepare for the apocalypse at the same time.

It's a good thing we're growing all that cat nip because the warm weather is bringing the chairman a bath. It's not so much that she stinks, she's just musty. I don't understand it, I hardly ever keep her in a drawer. And also she bathes often of the tongue variety and there's no reason for her to be so dirty. My new friend at work has a Maine Coon too and hers gets a bath once a month. I think the Chairman would tunnel through a wall if she had a bath every month. Or kill us in our sleep. Hard call. Anyway, my cat stinks and she needs a washing and I'm worried about it. I know she could take me, she's buff and has a furry will of iron. If the blog goes cold it's because the fur overlord has taken me down, wish me luck.

day two

Another day chocolate free. It's not so much that I think chocolate abstinence is the way to go on forever. I agree that chocolate has benefits and I definitely don't think a life without chocolate would be worth living I just don't want it to be some stupid fat ass crutch that I can never get rid of. I'm going to try to go the week without bringing chocolate to work. I can hardly think of any days in March that I didn't have a candy attack and that's not good. I think every thing will go better for me when I take better care of myself and even if it doesn't I'll still feel better and have something to be proud of. I'm making it a goal to not pack chocolate for work this whole week. It's much easier to avoid it when I'm home, I feel much less under pressure.

In other news I have a dress for my best friends wedding. What more can you ask of a bride than to find, buy and ship you your very own clearance bridesmaid dress. Good service! It's not so much that I've been avoiding buying a dress for myself, it's just hard. She picked a size fourteen which should work well for altering. I hope anyway. It's the right color and the right price and I'm sure I'll be so busy bridesmaiding I'll hardly even register what I look like. Until I see the pictures. I think I need to accept right now that I'm going to think my arms are fat in every picture and just get over it because if I'm not willing to do push-ups every day until October there's no point weeping over the end result. Anyway, the dress deal is done unless it doesn't zipper which would really teach me a lesson about getting my act together. Now I just need shoes. Don't suppose she'll be up to mailing me those too...

along the lines of bill w.

I did not have any chocolate today, principally because I didn't pack any for lunch. I decided this weekend that I'm not going to let stress make me a big fat whiner so I'm taking control of the things I can. Pilates in half an hour and eight glasses of water and no chocolate and also flossing, what more can you do? We're not expecting tomorrow is going to be a good day and the last thing the designer said to me was to pack chocolate. Crap, I need something better for me to rely on for stress relief, like say exercise. I suppose chocolate every day is better than liquor but not by much when you're trying to get healthy.

Here's to a better week with better choices and less stress and hopefully not too much yelling. Positive thinking and planning all around and lots of tea to take the place of the pounds and pounds of chocolate I ate in March. Here's to April and less fatty goodness.

hope burns eternal

I'm finding it very difficult to gather myself for the, err, coming struggles. One minute I feel super confident and the next I just wish I could go back in time. I'm really trying to believe that everything happens for a reason and something positive will come of this but mostly I think I'm being punished for making a mistake. Which is very dramatic I know. I think the root of the problem is that I'm punishing myself. I stopped exercising, I stopped being a scrupulous saver and I started believing that maybe I could stand being belittled as long as it pays well. That's not taking charge of your life, in the traditional sense.

I have removed the rest of this, better to not be in the public view after all. Patience is a virtue.

Mini bagel my ass.

"you want me to admit I'm an asshole? Sign a statement swearing I'm an asshole?"

Today was a rough day and I don't want to talk about it. Which is obviously why I'm blogging about it. Speaking of things that make me cranky, we watched "who killed the electric car?" and it was very annoying. It's fascinating in that I had thought bio-diesel was the way to go but now I'm thinking plug-in hybrid and pretty much anything that doesn't put money in bush's pocket. Unfortunately battery only might not work here in the super cold, even bio-diesel isn't great in the sub-zero temps. Prius might be as good as it gets in the great cold ass north.

My jaw has been fused by stress for the last few days. Which strangely hasn't kept me from eating everything before me. I have no excuse, it's stress eating and you'll feel better if you eat this eating and pretty much stupid eating. I haven't gained any weight yet it's just depressing because I know I'm only eating because I'm grumpy. I used to snack at work because I was bored and somehow that was easier to put a stop to, have some tea and get over it. Now it's more difficult especially because I don't even keep a tea cup at work anymore. I even took my "personal" pens home so the business can't unduly profit from my used bics, that's how grumpy I am.

What to do, what to do. I'm searching the want ads and pulling out my pilates mat tomorrow. Yesterday I used my stepper and today I went up and down the actual stairs a hundred times...which has to count for something. I realized today that I really want to be running. It's probably a highly symbolic form of exercise for me at the moment, I want to jog and think and work out the GRRR. I thought the kickboxing would be good for that but it's sort of difficult to keep up with the routines when your mind is so busy. You really have to pay attention to what you're punching and kicking or you get all turned around and step on your cat. Fact. The thought of running is so freeing. If I wasn't ready to walk out on my job at any minute I'd totally buy a treadmill.

Clearly I'm editing this post the next day. It's become really difficult to think about normal things and god forbid write anything worthwhile when my brain is absorbed in thinking about how I made a big mistake and risks are bad and how will I feed the cat and pay the dsl bill if I quit tomorrow? Some days I think I can survive anything and some days I can't and clearly I'm going insane because all I can think about is post-it notes.

"The truth is there's always more down"

So, I want to say right now that I've worked pretty hard not to whine about the job lately. I'm trying very hard to be a grownup and accept responsibility for my decision and tough it out. There are two things I do every day now that I work where I work, prepare for a fight and pack chocolate for lunch. Today I offered some of my lunch chocolate to my work BFF and I mentioned how compelled I am to eat chocolate since I started this job. She said "me too, it's because we're abused". We're always discussing our plight: educated, employed white women in the free world. And then we laugh at our hypocrisy. In all honesty though, she's very concerned about starting her career at a place with such a shady reputation. I'm just annoyed to be treated badly, I don't really care about the impact on my career because I don't see my future as an administrative assistant. Maybe that's foolish of me but mostly I just think about the money so I'd put my bets on shallow over foolish.

Anyway, today I wasn't prepared for a fight. Every time I do my job I prepare myself to defend whatever I've done. For example, the printer calls and says you need to approve the proof before the catalogue can go to print. The catalogue getting printed is a priority of the boss' so you go to the printer and approve the print. There a few things the boss could say in this example. If you're very lucky he will be on the phone and will never notice you are gone. He could say "that was fast and efficient how you handled that errand, what a stellar employee I have here". He could say "I thought that was taken care of" and then you have to explain the process and he swears up and down that he's never had to do that before and it's probably true because a) he doesn't do it and b) I wouldn't explain it to him if I didn't have to either.

In today's real life scenario, the embroiderer came to deliver some samples. As the boss went down to talk to the embroider he said "I need an inventory of the shirts we have". I went to my office, tidied the project I was working on and returned to his office to do the inventory. We will be starting work in two weeks (unofficially), I presumed we would like to have our inventory complete before 30 employees arrive that need shirts so we can order what we need. Apparently I put the pre in sumed because my boss says to me that my taking on this project at this moment must mean that I have nothing to do and he'll have to take a look at my to do list. I wasn't prepared to argue with him, I just said I thought we'd like the inventory before we start work. He said he doesn't need it right now so why am I wasting my time on it. Like doing everything at the last minute is a work ethic I need to embody.

He also takes issue with the number of post-it notes I have on my "desk" (quotes because it's not a desk at all, it's a fucking counter and I just feel a need to moan about it) because he thinks they all represent unfinished projects. He used this against me today, it's one of his favorites. Mostly they're reminders and not very important. I have a running list of needed office supplies, I have a note to call a lady who is never home or has caller id which I would totally understand, and notes of his appointments to help me remind him. There is not one single half finished project note. I guess I should be glad that at least I know he doesn't read them. Which makes me wonder if he'll notice that I took all of my personal things home tonight. Not that I kept many there. I also grabbed my yogurt out of the fridge because if I'm quitting I'm going to need to ration that yogurt.

Tomorrow I have a worker's comp. conference. My chocolate buddy asked if I was still going when she saw me cleaning my desk and I said yes, I can always put it on my resume. Maybe I'll cool down enough tomorrow and remember the big fat check and find a way to take the abuse until I find something else. Right now I'm not sure it's worth it.

same as it ever was

You know how they put the candy at the checkout so that when you see it your shopping defenses are pathetic and weak and you're forced to buy it. I bought some candy yesterday at target out of pure weakness. I bought a Ritter sport just to see what it was like. Like, testing an orgasm to see if it's any good. Short story shorter, it was a yummy purchase. The chocolate with the cookie inside, sort of like those little school boy cookies but on steroids. It's totally target's fault. If they'd just keep the chocolate in the men's underwear section or somewhere the world would be a thinner place.

But anyway, I've been feeling like crap lately so it's time to get my routine back together. It's been a month and I need to get over myself and do some friggin' pilates. Guaranteed I'll be writing next week about how wonderful it is to do pilates again and why did I ever stop and blah blah. I genuinely hate myself when I stop exercising because I know how hard it is to start again. I cannot be trusted to take a break and get back on the wagon. Stupid wagon. Stupid analogy. "Get my shit together" is so much more elegant.

I have a shit getting plan for my day. Put yesterday's groceries away, wash a sink full of dishes, go back to basics and do my beginning pilates dvd. Starting over sucks and it sucks that it's necessary and it sucks that I keep having to start over again and again when I should be rolling merrily along. Aargh!

Things are even aarghier than I thought. One of the many, many things I bought yesterday was a very cheap pair of very nice shoes. It's so rare that awesome sale shoes are in my size I just couldn't resist. The 8.5 was the sample shoe, so I tried it on and it was awesome and I went in search of the match and the box. Lo, right in front of me was a box with untouched shoes with 8.5 written on it. YAY. So I grabbed them and then we went to dinner and lalala and then today I opened them up and Whoops, they're huge. It would seem that 8.5 in the UK is, uhm, 11 in the US. The chirpy sales assistants are holding the 8's for me...I'll have to sneak out at lunch tomorrow and fetch them. My shopping skills were very poor yesterday, disappointing.

Shopping seizure

This post is in no way about shopping. That was a lie. A falsehood. What is true is that I actually went to check out the gym today. It's the tiniest bit cheaper than the Y and apparently gets fewer exercisers, but it's also really tiny. I don't know how many treadmills I think I need but two seems very few. And it rhymes, yay! But I went and I guess I want credit for going to the gym to check it out even if I didn't actually sweat or anything. I've decided it's time to stop putting things off. I've made my peace with this super crazy job and it's stupid to stop taking care of myself and working toward a goal. This body is forever and the job, well, those change. The ass I'm stuck with so I should probably make it a priority. And the abs. Those too!

Dear snow,

You've been doing your thing since November. It is almost April. Seriously, we get it. Sixteen feet is enough, really.

Sincerely, Amy

"rife with single entendre"

Today at work I found a carefully kept file containing my boss' obituary. That was the most banal and uninteresting part of my day. I'd like to say it's nice to not be the one getting yelled at but it's not that nice when you still have to hear the yelling and take care of the people who did get yelled at and also yelling at someone for an hour and a half because they aren't being efficient with their time is well...obviously. But anyway, this is supposed to be a fat blog.

I still haven't hit up the gym near my job. Because I am a slacker. I'm still hanging around 173 and it's fine. I know I should be exercising more, I feel better when I am and I need to keep up my fitness and blah blah...I hate myself for slowing down. I've been kickboxing about twice a week and nada on the pilates. I have no excuse, I have the time and I'm obviously not using it to blog so, err. I guess I'm still surviving the transition. It's almost been a month...how much time do I need to get my crap back together anyway? Geez.

"taught me a lesson I didn't want to learn"

When I was in school there was this Docker's commercial, something along the lines of "nice pants! Dockers?". I'm thinking of it today because someone in the ladies room at Borders started a five minute conversation about my AE jeans. She was wearing the same ones, and gee they fit like a glove. It was quite sweet actually, the kind of conversation you can only have in a chain store restroom. The point is the conversation reminded me of one morning at the bus stop where kid a says to kid b "those are nice pants! Dockers?". And kid b is al "yeah, why" because kid a is the older brother of kid b's best friend and pretty much kid a exists to torture kid b. So then kid a turns to kid b and says "maybe you should lose the sticker?".

I live in fear of those stupid clear plastic stickers with the size imprinted. All because of that one day at the bus stop. The terrors of a public school education. I'm more than a little paranoid that one day I'll show up at work to some important meeting with one of those L stickers emblazoned on my chest. Or a twelve short on my ass. Which is unlikely because those stickers are usually on the front of pants, but my paranoia can't be reasoned with. When mrs. bookstore bathroom commented on my jeans, all I could think was that I left a sticker or a tag on. It's been many wearings and washings since I got the pants and still all I could think of was that day at the bus stop witnessing the humiliation only a best friends' brother can produce so well. It was strange, how some memories just blindside you and you're left wondering why your subconscious held on to a memory about khakis for so long.

And then I bought a pineapple. Segue way who? I went to the market hungry and I came home with a pineapple. And brown 'n' serve rolls. Those were my impulse items. I guess it's better than like 5 cakes or a chocolate fountain, but still I have to eat a whole pineapple by myself now. I opened up my Mark Bittman who suggested that my pineapple was probably under or over ripe and pretty much a lost cause but when I cut it open it was ok. It's quite yummy actually, but enough work not to be a regular on my list. Unlike the rolls. I'm cooking a reasonably holiday-y dinner tomorrow so it seemed reasonable to get the devil's dinner rolls. The bleached white flour dipped in butter and served with butter and possibly also gravy rolls of heart disease waiting to happen, yum. Happy Easter!

The sweating makes me peckish

I kickboxed this morning. Can you say that? Is that the english? I'm having the difficulty with the language and the speaking lately. But I did exercise which I think earns me a gold star. I don't know if it was the getting up early or the exercising or just a case of the munchies but I was hungry all day. I also didn't drink enough water and that was bad and maybe that made me hungry too. I'm having a hard time drinking enough water at the new job because I am lazy and their water is gross.

The bank got bottled water because they thought the town water was fishy. Which is ironic because the bottled water comes from a source below the island dump. The town water was gross and the bottled water was gross but after five years I could drink it. The new job has bad tasting water that may or may not be poisonous. Technically, our house water has never been tested either...but if we're being slowly poisoned we haven't noticed and that has to be a plus, At least we're not suffering. Anyway, I have been bringing my own water in order to keep my intake up and be skinny and healthy and have a pony or whatever. It's a pain in the ass. I have a separate bag for my water bottles and then I have to wash them and bleach them and urgh, I'm too lazy to be hydrated. People should mate with camels, bestiality is highly underrated.

I got distracted there, my point was going to be about why am I so hungry the one day in weeks that I get off my ass and exercise? I've felt really good about my "diet" and habits lately. I love being busy during the day and not eating out of boredom. I love it, I'm in love with being busy. I need to be in love with exercising and being busy and not overeating but how do I know if I need the extra food or if I'm subconsciously giving myself permission to eat more because I know I exercised. I guess I need more than one day to make a scientific study about it. Guess I'll have to exercise tomorrow too, geez...

"Wow, you must do a lot of baking"

Said the cashier when I bought my apocalypse amounts of flour and sugar yesterday. Matt is all paranoid about the prices going up and him being short of snacks so he requested I stock up on the essentials. Nothing makes me feel more insane than buying 60 pounds of flour. We just need a cheese wheel the size of wisconsin and some rifles and we'll be all set to survive some horrible event we won't want to survive in the first place.

I'm feeling the crazy for having admitted that but I'm also feeling the crazy for having written an entire post last night and then getting to the bottom of my screen and no post button. I suppose a reasonable person would have saved it in word and then sorted it out but I just shut'r down. I had been having a craving for twitchy chocolate noses and earses and it was SO time for bed, if you know what I mean. If I could just not enter a shop between now and two weeks from now I could completely forget it's easter. If only we didn't need food, and 7 years worth of dry goods. I used to play the Oregon Trail on our Apple 2e and having had the shopping trip I had yesterday makes me feel a need of procuring children and oxen and hitting the wagon train. I always lost my oxen in the river and had to sell my children for news ones, every damn time. Should have brought more children, and more grain...the pixellated frontier is rough.

I have my sights on exercising today. I have the kickboxing dvd all up and ready to go. I'm power sipping some water and lacing up my shoes in a minute. It's been a long, long time since I exercised on purpose. Much too long. I have a dream of someday hitting a balance and then, lookout size ten. Someday, if I ever get my shit together again.

Nary a bunny ate in 2008

I'm still easter bunny free and going strong, easter is in one week and then all the candy will be on clearance and that will be difficult. A test of my endurance. One of my huge problems at ye olde job was that the only thing there was to do was to go to Rite Aid and check out their bargains. No more, there's nothing truly close to the new job and certainly not within walking distance. It's much more difficult for me to make a chocolate run when I have to get in the car and drive there. I suppose that's an added benefit right there.

Yesterday I locked my boyfriend out of the house. It was an honest mistake based on his lack of cellphone and keys and also not being in range of my hollering. So I'm taking him out to lunch. He asked me the other night if we might make it to the Irish pub for corned beef sometime soonly and so it's an appropriate peace making gesture. And I can get a salad and a big dessert to make up for my total lack of rodent shaped chocolate this season. See how reasonable and responsible I can be...

Today I'm writing a resume for a job very much like the one I have. It was a good week and I'm feeling hopeful but I think it would be wrong to avoid this possibility, to not pursue it. So, I'm pursuing it at the cost of two sheets of paper and a stamp. partially because on friday one of the last things I did was assure my counterpart that I won't advertise for her job without telling her. We get a lot of resumes applying for both of our jobs and so she checked the source. Sure enough the listings had been re-listed a few days previous. Knowing what we know about our boss, there is no way he did that himself. She showed it to me and asked me anyway, as it would be my job to hunt for her replacement. It was a fair question given our circumstances and so we made a pact that if we're asked to write a job ad for each other we'll share the news. Mine is an interesting occupation.

Feigning fiscal responsibility

The super wonderful thing about this new job I have is the big fat paycheck, I got my first one last night. I went right to the bank where they didn't recognize me at all and that was a little weird. But then it wasn't actually the bank I worked in for five years. And tomorrow is conversion day! Actually, I guess it's today. The new bank is going to be weird. I remember someone posting ages ago about how their bank was holding their money and I said "hey, that's illegal blah blah blah bank speak". Turns out, there are two kinds of legal when it comes to making your money available and the bank gets to choose whether to screw you or not. My old bank chose not to screw and the new one screws, I guess it takes a village. If you have direct deposit there's nothing to worry about, if you deposit actual paper checks and or you know, cash, then they hold it. How they can legally hold cash I just have no idea but damn, no wonder they can afford to have masseuses at their main office.

SO, about the gobs of money. I bought myself a big fancy computer. The computer of my wet tech dreams and I've been too "ROAR!" to really play with it. I gave Matt a little tutorial last night. He didn't spend much time on the HP and will probably spend even less on the Mac, but it's fun to play. I set up hot corners and they're really messing him up, I take my happy where I can. Anyway, about the money. I bought an expensive computer and a slew of jeans. I bought some books and RAINBOWS and a router and dsl. I've been spending exactly the way I didn't want to.

I could have switched up my two pairs of jeans and worn them until they fell off, I decided not to. My wardrobe was at such a point, new job or not, it needed an overhaul. I could have gotten those books from the library and lived without RAINBOWS. I could have lived without the Mac and the dsl and the router too...for the sake of my bank account but then what exactly is the point of getting a better job? I don't need a fancy new car or a coach bag or even broadcast television, I just want a stable internet connection. I got it, and that's what I need to tell myself every time I want to shop for the hell of it.

Is it obvious that I'm prepping myself to go to Bangor? I need a computer bag and I have to do something about my waffle iron. We need groceries and I have to go to Target, the world headquarters of needless spending incorporated. I don't want to be one of those people who makes money on paper and has no idea where it all goes. I worked too hard lo these many years than to let that happen. I have made a very small adjustment to my standard of living, the dsl, and aside from extra travel I want to keep it that way. I just hope I can keep from getting carried away...

Still sick, still cranky about it

I spent all day yesterday trying to make a box on a computer screen. I have many, many programs at my disposal and I know not one of them well enough yet to make a damn box on a screen. Yay! I do have good news to report, Sugarcrook is a genius and my arm feels amazing. I've made a big fat effort to take vitamin B every day and my arm is no longer falling off. It's very exciting. I'm excited to have survived another week, last friday I didn't think I could and I have and I think today is going to be fine too. With or without a box on a screen.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and getting my life together. Big plans for one weekend but really, I need to get my house together and a schedule and I need to go see some gyms. I'm still thinking along the lines of "oh my god, if I quit this job I can't afford a gym" but maybe it's really cheap. Maybe I need to live as things happen and not try to insulate myself against the future. The gym is on my list for the weekend, and grocery shopping...and a meal plan. I need to clean my house and take charge of my schedule. It's my time, why do I behave like my time belongs to a job I barely like. I need to fix it now before it becomes a big problem. Those are my tiny, itty bitty goals for the weekend and also maybe to write something. I feel like I haven't allowed my mind to work for ages and it's time to relax and reflect and write and I think it will all make me feel better. I hope so anyway.

A morality tale

All my stressing has left me with a very weird sore throat and a gross nose and pretty much sick, which stinks because my projects for today and tomorrow are really fun. I'm looking forward to it even. Except for the hacking. It seems I have now hit every single physical incarnation of stress the human body can produce. Ten points for me! Last week I wasn't hungry at all, which made things worse with my blood sugar getting low and me getting crazy so this week I've planned eating more carefully so as not to be insane. I've been sleeping horribly, which makes everything worse too, so I'm taking extra time at night to chill out before bed to avoid insomnia. I'm waiting patiently for my cycle to realign although I really want to freak out about that too. My weight has been all over. I'm eating less but differently and drinking too much soda because my throat hurts. I'm up to 176 after breakfast and tea and water so I don't know what exactly that means.

Stress is the devil and I really wish I'd taken better care of myself last week. That's the moral right there, freaking out makes you ill, and tired, and fat and a little bit insane. This has been a better week but my body is still suffering from last weeks' ordeal and that was silly. I don't know how I could have avoided it knowing what I knew then but I'm working on strategies to deal with the stress. That makes me feel so much like my mother, she would so say "strategies" in a sentence and then she would nod and pull out a book. My sister suggested I get "7 habits of highly successful people" so I've ordered it. I also ordered "5 habits of successful slackers, because 7 is too many". I'll let you know how that goes.

One of the super bureaucratic business largess things at the bank, or the second bank...the one that "bought" the original bank, was their use of books like that. There was the one about the bus and the one about free prizes and what else, there's a whole library for the "stakeholders". One of my old bosses gave me "who moved my cheese" which is an interesting read, he also gave me a ton of Ayn Rand so take that mix as you will. It makes me feel strange to be ordering books like that, not exactly self help but I'm at a loss for a better word. If it helps me get through this experience and take what I want and go where I want then it's worth it, self help or not. And I get to feel like my mom for five minutes without developing an eternal love for the Lawrence Welk show and say "idear" instead of "idea".

Hump day

Two days that haven't sucked in a row. I'm looking forward to today. I have my fingers crossed for three in a row. I'm excited about my wardrobe today as I've finally found jeans that fit. American Eagle 12 short are awesome and I'm in love with them. I have a semblance of ass wearing them, it's like the denim is blessed. The DSL is blessed too. I'm still waiting on the router so we can have all the computers working and then Matt can stop cursing AOL in his sleep.

So, I am looking forward to today. I'm going to choose photos and a layout for our catalogue and I'm really excited about it. It's exactly the kind of thing to do really well and take home for my portfolio. The new designer and I had a conversation while the boss was out about our new jobs. She has a sinking feeling she's made a mistake too and we've both decided to do our best and take it all home with us. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, someone is a similar position. She's concerned about having a job on her resume that her future peers will look down upon. We'll just have to look after each other. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

"My food is problematic."

I'm blogging from the gorgeous new apple with the gorgeous new high speed interwebs. Which is a nice end to a pretty decent day. I was so full of dread that a normal day is downright awesome. Thanks for all the support. This has been very surreal. I underestimated how weird it would be. I was always thinking I needed to have experiences to keep writing and then I gripe about them when they happen. Tsk to me and my inability to deal with the gems of experience I'm offered. Shameful.

I'm now a bit shy to start up a gym membership, incase I decide to be broke again. I could, I suppose, see how much a gym membership would be. You know, like, as part of an intellectual study. Or, I could even put my goals into perspective and stop worrying all the damn time about things I can't control. That's a lovely piece of advice I need tattooed on my forehead. I suppose you do have a certain amount of control over your employment, as in my case, but you can't control how other people behave. Not ever. I feel much better since I've accepted that. I can only do my best, that's the realm of my control. You do the best with what you have and you take what comes. I just have to keep to that goal. Maybe that's exactly why I should get that gym membership...it's in my control and I'm choosing to ignore it and that's stupid. It's fairly against my new and exciting principles to ignore things that I can change and it would probably help with the stress and also I'd like to get this project finished. I might not be the super happiest but I can still work on being better and I think that's worthy. Right now anyway. Maybe I'll feel worse when I have to sign a 60 month contract for a million dollars but it'll be good for my arse anyway.

"Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life."

The girl who trained me for her job had very bad tendonitis in her right arm. She was a horticulturist by trade and had no idea how very badly you can injure yourself typing improperly. She didn't go to a doctor until her very last day at the job. By her summation, the boss was dissapointed that she was "weak" enough to seek medical attention for a work injury that he preferred to ignore. That should have been a big flashing warning light that I completely ignored. That was how he treated an employee he liked. I have since learned how he has treated employees he didn't like and if he pushes me down the stairs we're going to have a problem.

Truth be told, I spent very little time with the actual boss between my interview (where he was very nice and interested in my abilities) and my first day. All of my training was done with the girl who left. One day we were discussing the new computer they bought for me (iMac, very sexy) and the boss said "what do I do with it if they don't like me after a week?". I thought he was being facetious, but that should have been a warning too.

The thing that makes it difficult is that this job pays more money that I have ever made in my life. I could put a child through college, or, you know, take Chairman Meow to the vet. The other this is that I really like the work, most of the work anyway. I like creating ads and designing the catalogue, I don't like typing longwinded, whiny letters to everyone who has ever wronged him, personally or professionally. I don't like having things removed from my inbox just so he can see how I behave when something is lost. I have no intention of quitting just yet, but I'm not staying either. One of the interesting things that happened when I told folks in Bar Harbor that I was leaving the bank was how many people said "oh, if I'd known you wanted to leave here I would have offered you a job". What I need to do is to bump into some of those people again.

I keep telling myself that I don't have to like him to do the work and take the money. However, I left the bank to do something better, to be happier. This is not it. I was so ravenous for the job I didn't really consider the warning signs. I didn't think about how many year round positions were open at this company and the possible reasons why. It doesn't have to be all sunshine and roses for me to get something out of it, it'll be like my very own literary marvel "the devil does landscaping". Not every job is a perfect fit, it doesn't mean you don't learn from it.

See how reasonable I am today? I'm a marvel of adult, professional, reasonable behavior. Calm, collected, not at all ready to lash out if that man tests me monday.

"Tea can do many things, but it can't bring back the dead"

In news that has nothing to do with the fact that I think I made a huge mistake taking this new job, the wi-fi is getting hooked up monday. Matt is home from work and will be snow-shoeing to the phone box for the phone men. Phone people, they could well be women. That was very politically incorrect of me. OH MY GOD I HATE MY BOSS! He's a big fat jerk. And I hate him, hate him, hate him. Matt thinks it's little man syndrome. I work for Napoleon and every day is Waterloo. And also my arm hurts from typing.

So, how has everyone been? I feel like I've been on Mars, I've been so far from the blogging community. It's weird. It's all weird. That is so not the right word and yet that's what I've got. I'm working for this man, this horrible condescending man. Someone who seems to enjoy making me feel worthless, and not just me. Aren't Rotarians supposed to be kind. He's not kind, he's the opposite of kind. And also the opposite of professional, in my totally worthless opinion.

My sister tells me to give it a week, and she also tells me to make a stink if something happens again. I can't decide if I'm over-reacting, it's only been a week. I don't want to stay long enough to have to put it on my resume or for him to blacken my name throughout ellsworth. Like I care anyway. I'm the only person there who doesn't feel like they "need" the job and that's sad because everyone else is prepared to take his crap because they can't afford not to. That's not the way to build loyalty or to get the best out of people. Again, in my opinion.

I'm now off to check the want-ads again. Christ.

The last day of the first week

It's been a weird week, which I should have expected but I just thought it would be less weird. Matt and I are going out for dinner to celebrate my survival. I'm happy to report my weight has stayed around 173. If I can get back to exercising I should be in a good place. As of yet I haven't felt any need to eat all the food in the whole world because of stress so I guess that should be counted as success.

"adventures in sitting"

Tuesday was a much better day at work, and I even left after 8 and a half hours. Like normal people do. I got to be cranky with a sales rep and fix things and be indispensable, for a whole day. Wooh! And then I got home and Pinky upstaged me by having a baby, the lengths some people will go for attention. tsch.

At present I am learning that office supplies are very expensive and some people like to shop a little too much in the staples catalog. I have to be the person who says "but last month you swore you needed blue sharpies, if you need red sharpies now what do I do with all these blue ones". Can't wait!

I should be exercising right now. I had it on my schedule. In my brain I know I'll feel better afterward, and accomplished and whole...and yet I can't get off the couch. Getting the dishes done was my big accomplishment for yesterday so I'm keeping my goals nice and easy of late. It's harder work than I thought it would be to use my brain all day. Fascinating.

"the tired I've everest been."

Today was a very long day, but it was totally worth it because I got a raise right out of the gate. Wooh! I got my new mac today and I'm so tired I've barely even opened it. Apparently you need to select a network to proceed and uhh, I haven't set up the wireless yet. Things to do tomorrow. In the way of interesting things I was way too busy to be hungry for lunch but WHOA starving for dinner. So that's not healthy but it's a relief to not be thinking about food all day because THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

I still haven't exercised and that's bad, bad, bad. I'm not proud. I do however have a lot of crap to do this week and I think getting the gym membership is going to have to get on to next weeks' list. I'm not too proud of putting that off either but I might go crazy otherwise. I might not see the bottom of my new and exciting in-tray for a long time and I think easing into extra curriculars is probably a good idea. I don't know how to properly explain how little I had in my life two weeks ago as compared to now. I got more than one comment on my desire to have had a break between jobs. All of them correct. I've more or less been on a break for the last five years and it's time to get moving. I can't deny a need to ease into it though. I feel ridiculously fragile about it and then stupid because this is what normal people do...work hard and manage their lives with stress and expectations and somehow life goes on. Crazy.

"And before you know it powerful laxatives are involved."

So far today I've eaten too much cereal, washed four loads of laundry and made a fresh spaghetti sauce. We're getting a lot of snow so it's been sort of an indoor day. I did manage a nap but I didn't manage a lick of exercise unless you count all the cleaning. I suppose that's what tomorrow's for, all the things I didn't get done today. Groceries and pilates and maybe some kickboxing if I feel like double exercise duty. I also have to look into some early morning gym opportunities, as in more than one. It's amazing to have choices. And I'll have my Shuffle working soon. Things are falling into place in a way I hadn't imagined. All of the things I worried about are taken care of and all I have to do is make my way in this new job on monday. I really have an opportunity to make this job my own and if I'm honest it's a culmination of all the things I'm good at, it's just perfect. The gym and the shortened commute are all perks of a normal life I didn't have before. I don't know just what to make of it yet, there's so much to take in.