"I had an aunt who fought a cow for beer money once. The cow never forgave her."

So, yesterday I took my dogs to the library.  The librarians love dogs and we always get biscuits and cuddles.  Yesterday was kind of weird though because usually we get to play with some kids at the library but yesterday's kids wanted nothing to do with us and the doggies were very sad.  They did however make a grown up friend, an older guy with an accent I couldn't place who was enthralled with Knox.  He asked what breed he was, which we hear kind of a lot, and then he asked if he was a girl.  A lot of people assume he's a girl because of Lassie and most of the time it doesn't matter but this guy looked deep into Knox's eyes and said but he has the features of a girl.  Like, uhm, what does that mean?  How does a dog have the features of a girl?  People always comment that he's beautiful and I totally agree but no one has ever creeped me out like they wanted to take him on a date before.  It was weird.  

And on that note, I can't believe it's the fourth of July.  I had to go to the market this morning because we're out of everything a middle class white couple needs to maintain life.  Which is apparently mayonnaise.  I've never seen so much mayo in my life, both people in front of me and one to my left had giant containers at checkout.  Fourth of July is the official mayonnaise holiday of america.  I feel it's gravitational pull too, I have the strongest desire to make macaroni salad and potato salad and coleslaw.  Matt only eats one of those things so I'm making coleslaw.  No way do I need to eat two kinds of mayo based salad in one weekend...patriotism be damned.  

"Full Frontal Nerdity"

I don't actually have anything nerdy to talk about.  I'm sure the new iphone would be a great topic but I have an old one and it's the only phone I haven't killed in under a year so I'm keeping it until the end of time or when I actually succeed at breaking it.  The new ones are awesomer and fasterer but they're also plastic-y-er instead of Amy approved metal and seriously the number of times I've dropped that sucker on concrete and on rocks and in puddles...it's a trooper.

Today I had to go to Bar Harbor to get some domestic partnership papers signed with Matt and then we ate cake so it was almost like getting married, except cheaper.  Then I took my dogs for a walk in the park where they had a very good time despite the persistent diarrhea.  Nothing makes me feel like a bigger asshole than when my dogs get sick.  They can't tell me they're sick, not without bodily fluids, and I just feel terrible taking them out on the town and finding out they don't feel good.  BAD MOMMY!

"Mom, can I call you back? I have to dispose of the body."

Today I had an interview for a job that I already had and don't really want to have again but having it will allow me to buy cute shoes...and food...and dog toys so it's a step in the right direction.  I have to put my head in the right place about it and negotiate the shit out of the head office.  But also I'm kind of a little freaked out because of something unrelated that might be related and maybe is a sign of impending doom.

Yesterday I went to buy groceries.  My usual market is by a school and there is a four way stop.  One way has a stop sign and all four ways have stop lines and two foot letters that spell stop.  So, I was stopped at the sign and line and to my right there was a guy in a truck waiting to go.  He proceeded safely through the intersection and then the car behind it rode his ass all the way around the corner.  You know how sometimes you can't control the "what the fuck" hand gesture, it just comes out?  That happened because seriously, who doesn't at least pause and look before driving through a four way stop at a school?  So, to make this otherwise boring traffic story more interest, the driver turns around and parks next to me, gets out, and comes around to my window to tell me I had the stop sign, loudly.  The driver looked like a scary man, so I locked my doors and called Matt before I realized it was a butch lady driver and I probably could've taken her.  It seemed like a bad idea to get out, like what would it really solve, so I pulled out and got another space.  I was pleasantly surprised that my car was not exploded when I got out of the store.  So, what?  It's not even about the stopping and the endangering it's about the stalking and the creepy.  Sociopaths need groceries too I guess.

Anyway, I almost forgot about the weirdest part.  When I was having my interview today I saw her car (orange element) with a dog that looks suspiciously like hers hanging out the window in the parking lot of the new old job.  I didn't get a good look because I was actually interviewing at the time but yikes, that would be the worst coincidence in the history of ever.  They want me working the drive up station, what happens if she comes to make a deposit of her mental health disability checks and she sees me.  I'm going to have to hide in the vault and change my name to Sherry.

"You never really know a car until you drive it through a wall."

I had two job interviews yesterday and each of them have very strong possibilities of not ending in tears so it's been busy around here.  As I was getting ready Rebecca asked me if I have a "get psyched" song.  When she wants to get in the mood to take names and kick ass she listens to Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" which is an awesome ass kicking song.

I have a bunch of songs I listen to when I have to do something I don't necessarily enjoy, like washing dishes.  I have a lot of dish washing songs but they aren't really kicking ass songs it's more like scrubbing bubbles.  So I thought about it a bit and decided that "Movin' on Up" the theme song from The Jeffersons was the best choice.  I mean obviously, I want to move on up and have a piece of pie so is there a better choice?  Rebecca hadn't heard of it because only terribly old crone's know 70's television shows.  

Any other recommendations for songs that promote the kicking of ass?

"Girls, girls, girls, don't fight; you're both pretty."

I just decided that I hate all of my clothes.  I have finally reached the point in my life where my goal is not to go permanently unnoticed but to wear things that are fun and pretty.  I guess everyone gets their at their own place.  The place where we are comfortable in our own skin and with our own decisions.  I can look back and see bits and pieces of my life where I was ok with my choices but mostly I worked at not being noticed, even by myself, which is insane beyond all reckoning.  I'm over it now that I'm old.  It's a shame that the wisdom has to come with the age and the grey hairs.

But the point of this post is not to be enlightening and body image positive, oh no, the point is completely vain and commercialistic because I really WANT to go SHOPPING and I can't.  I've been making an effort to pull things out of my closet that A.  I should be wearing and just forgot about and B. Things that I should not be wearing and give away or use for exercise/yard work.  I have a lot of things that just get pushed to the back while the work horses of my wardrobe get worn out, washed out, and stained out.

My workout clothes therefor are a big mix of things that are just not good enough to wear out of the house, mostly t-shirts and fleeces, and stretched work out pants.  I've been here before where all of my workout clothes are too big and completely uninspiring.  I hate this because it should not matter what you wear when you are sweating, unless the clothes physically prevent you from kicking ass.  I confess to my vanity here because old t-shirts do not make me feel like an athlete.  The running should make me feel like an athlete and the pilates should make me feel fit and strong, not the clothes.  I am weak or something because I feel awesome when I wear my fitbloggin' shirt on the pilates mat with my one pair of fitting yoga pants.

Do your clothes make you feel awesome?

"But I haven't spent any money, I was all dead...and frugal."

I called about a job today.  Monday morning just after nine, I'm like efficient today.  And I'm sweaty from running in the god awful for Maine heat of 77 degrees at 7 in the morning.  Seriously, it's like someone shook the weather eight ball and we're getting august in june.  The bugs are on club med vacation and the garden LOVES the sun (it's actually green, and growing this year) but me and my woofs are over it.  I guess we're all too furry for the heat.

Today I'm calling for more jobs, bringing out my pilates mat* and reading this blog because she's adorable, that post is on shame and is particularly awesome.  I stumbled on Already Pretty when I googled "high waisted skirt" and lo and behold dietgirl linked her too.  The world is small lately.  I opened the paper up to an add for a job that is essentially the last job I had.  It was like "hey, you know how you can't get a normal freaking job?  It's because you're supposed to be doing this!" so we'll see how that goes.

*I've been really into pilates lately for the most ridiculous reason ever.  I picked up my living room throw rug in order to wash it (Seriously, no, don't ever do this.  First we beat it, then I put it in the tub and it took literally HOURS to rinse all the dirt out of it.  That was two days ago and it's still drying.  Washing a rug in a tub is like a litmus test for moronity.) and the living room is all hardwood and inviting.  There is something about looking at the empty floor that makes me want to put my mat down.  I don't expect the rug to dry for another year so maybe I'll be a pilates instructor by then.

"If the devil had a name, it'd be CHUCK... FINLEY!"

No, no, you didn't click the wrong link.  I updated my site.  Five years later.  It's bright and cheery and it's the new me.  I'm working my ass off trying to be cheerful in a "the beatings will continue until morale improves" kind of way.  Go me!  So, what do you think?  Too much.  The black was so slimming...but...I'm digging the china pattern-esq side design.  I'd love some dishes like that, I'll have to keep my eyes open, but anyway blog!  I'm trying something new.  It's going to take me a while to get used to it but it was time for a change and I hope you all approve.

"It's not cold, Chuck Norris just scared the sun away"

Things suck lately and I don't want to talk about it.  So there.  I am in one of those moods where I want to do a whole lot of things at once and get a lot done so I can feel less like a ridiculous failure and yet mostly my house is just messier now than it was before.  I made a pie today, which is better than eating a pie, which I'll probably do tomorrow.  I have all of these things that might be useful one day but frankly that day won't come until I throw the damn things away so that's what I'm doing.  I feel like I do this all the time, go through my house on a rampage with a trash can, but yet there is still so much junk.  Why is that, it's mystic evil energy like what happens to paired socks in the dryer.

"I'm just a slut, where's my parade?"

The number one thing I miss about being a lesbian is the fact that when you are a woman dating a woman, no one asks you when you are getting married.  Also, the parades.  And rainbows.  Seriously, I can recall exactly no one approaching me or any of my gay friends and asking when you're gonna "wink wink" "nudge nudge" get hitched and I didn't appreciate how much better the queers have it until just now.  We just got home from a family wedding and I swear I answered that question ten times at least, Matt twice as much because it was his family.

And when they do ask you and you say "no, sorry, we're not planning to do that" they say why not, you should.  Dude, I don't even know your name and you have insight into the path of my life.  Really?  You really think you can ask me that, repeatedly, and I won't punch you in the face?  Really?  It gets old fast.  And then the bride told me I was single and I had to get up to catch the bouquet, twice.  And perhaps I'm just an asshole, that's a possibility I'm open to because I'm really pissy right now, but no I'm not single.  You don't live with someone for five years and call yourself single because you're fucking not.  OK?

Every single one of the people who harassed us tonight know we don't want to get married because we have this conversation every time we see them.  We have another get together tomorrow and my hand to god if anyone asks when we're getting married I'm asking them about their hemorrhoids.  And this is where I have to give my family credit because the only person who has ever asked me that question is my 90 year old meme.  If meme can remember that we don't want to get married, so can those douchebags at tonight's wedding.

"You wanna be a badass, you gotta eat healthy!".

Dudes, we killed a chicken and I'm really upset about it.  I mean, not like in a slaughtering and butchering kind of way but in a holy shit we don't know what we're doing kind of way.  One of the hens had been broody for a while.  Broody means she sits around in her nest waiting for baby chickens to hatch.  Only we take away all the eggs and we don't actually have a rooster so there isn't any possibility of baby chickens unless Jesus is coming back to earth with feathers.    So yeah, we knew she was broody and has been for weeks.  Like 8 weeks.  What we didn't know is that broody hens who don't get chickies after 21 days start to go insane and brood even harder and then it kills them.  They actually starve and dehydrate themselves to death waiting for chicks that will never come.  

Of course this only happens when the hen is being raised by morons.  Morons who wonder aloud about that broody, broody hen but never think about googling "broody hen".  If you google "broody hen" it will tell you to "break up" the hen, or discourage her from sitting on an empty nest till she kills herself or you can give her chicks at about 21 days in.  We didn't do either of these things, what's the refrain...oh yes, because we're morons and we didn't know any better.

This is a lesson we learned the hard way, unfortunately.  That hen was my third corpse of the week and it's starting to remind me of Clue the movie where after the third or fourth candlestick in the library incident everyone starts to get blase about the bodies.  Another body, oh gee, how inconvenient!  We're actually not sure what to do with them there are so many.  How screwed up is that, we're running out of room to hide the bodies!  It's not a good problem to have.

"Tanning is an art and a science, Mike."

I am seriously tired of dead things.  SERIOUSLY.  I had no idea the number of corpses I would have to deal with as a dog owner.  I was trying to remember exactly how many dead things I have had to touch since I got Knox and I can't remember all of them, I should keep a tally on my wall.  In blood.  It turns out the roadkill fox is the stinkiest dead thing to date, so that's special.  I have incense burning all over the house but the dogs still need washing.  If only I had a hose.

The naughtiness of my dogs is having an adverse effect on my exercising.  I spend more time worrying and shouting than walking or running.  I spend the same amount of time outside, only my increased heart rate is due to irritation and fear instead of exercising.  I should check sparkpeople cardio for panic, should net me a few calories burned.

"You know you missed your father's funeral... by eight years."

I'm having a blood pressure problem today. What with the QUILLS in my dog's NOSE driving us both crazy. The smart dog too. The dog that learned his lesson about porcupines last year. That one has tiny pins and needles sticking out of his damn nose and he's not too pleased about me removing them. I have broken all the dog owning rules and have resorted to drugging him with half a pain pill from his nut surgery last year. I'm at the end of my tether with these damn porcupines. It is entirely possible that the bastard left them in something else and no porcupine was actually involved but if we were talking about squirrels we wouldn't need pliers and nut drugs and vodka in my coke.

I'm so done with the outdoors right now I can't even tell you.

"I like the support. My arches happen to be extremely archy."

My babies killed an itty bitty birdie this morning and it's seriously ruining my day. Sad, sad start to a monday. This is one of those weeks where I actually have a thousand things to do and so far that is going badly. I made two dozen cupcakes as a test run for the wedding desserts I'm making and whoops! I forgot the sugar. The most disgusting cupcakes ever on earth, chocolate with no sugar. After the wedding is over I'm going to turn it into chocolate bread pudding and push it off on Matt's family but honestly I'm still haunted by the salted, buttered, cocoa evil that is chocolate cupcakes with no sugar in them. I'm not looking forward to the rest of the baking I have to do after that but hopefully it'll go ok. I definitely won't forget sugar again, I don't know about the flour or whatever but I'll for sure remember the sugar.

Before:


After:


I'm a little worried Matt will think he's in the wrong house when he comes home. it will require a little bit of straightening in the morning but Im sure it'll be worth it.

"I'm a bulimic who can't stand vomit"

Besides the fact that I electrocuted myself, my puppy ran into the road (she's safe), and my hairdresser went missing...today was an ok day. It's improved vastly since I found a recipe for butterscotch krimpets. As if I didn't have enough to bake lately. Now that the puppy is safe and chained to my leg, the missing hairdresser is the most pressing issue in my life. I haven't gotten a haircut for 1000 years and it's a tragedy that my hairstylist is missing in my time of need. Finding a hairstylist is like finding jeans only you look like an ass for months or you have to buy a hat.

I'm not sure how much will need to come off when I find a new stylist, I might end up bald. These are some of the hairstyles I'm considering. Since I'm not sure how short it will have to be I'm going in with options. I'm also committing myself to a certain amount of straightening every day but since I have nothing but time on my hands...I'm not too worried about it.







Apparently Katie Holmes has the most photographed hair ever because she pops up everywhere. Any favorites?

"You're never happy unless you're making my life complicated, are ya."

This is my puppy.



This is a porcupine. They're really getting on my nerves.




The first time we had an encounter with a porcupine the victim was Knox and he had a half dozen quills in his nose. The porcupine was dead so there wasn't much of a fight and Knox learned his lesson easily the first time. He was a patient patient and I pulled out the quills and it was no big deal. A little while ago the same thing happened to Jolie only the porky was live and angry and she had about two dozen quills and she was not a patient patient. It was AWFUL pulling out her quills. There was crying and fighting and blood and Matt punched some woodwork and the whole time Knox wanted his butt scratched. It sucked. I had very much hoped that Jolie would learn that porcupines are sharp as easily as Knox did but no. Not so much.

This morning in the middle of our run Jolie and Knox ran after a noise. They do this 3-4 times a walk during 3-4 walks a day every day. So...when they don't come back promptly mostly I'm just irritated and I don't necessarily think there is something wrong. When I do think there is something wrong I stomp into the woods and it's a pain in the rump and then the doggies happily follow me out. This morning I didn't follow them in, I just kept walking and then got grouchy when Knox showed up and not Jolie. Grouch Grouch Grouch...all the way home...a mile and a half. That's how far she had to run to me with 20 quills in her leg. She had a terrible limp in addition to the dozen quills in her nose and mouth.

I called the vet from the woods and carried her home. I feel like the worst dog mom ever. The vet sedated her and did everything she could but there are still some quills broken under her skin. They won't go searching surgically unless the quills don't work themselves out. All the drama happened at 7 am and we got home after 10, she's been sleeping ever since. I hope she learns that porcupines are no fun because my guilt can't get ramped any higher.

"I'm not sure that's ethical." "It's not. It's vodka."

I don't know how this happens but I forgot about my jump rope again. I enjoy it and it's awesome and then somehow something happens and I forget about it. I remembered it yesterday and I've jump roped two days in a row and seriously my arms are permanently broken. I love how many calories I burn jumping rope for such a small amount of time and I like anything that makes me feel like I've really worked my muscles so it's a win win. If I can just remember it's there. If I take one day off my routines go to hell. It makes me feel like a goldfish "and the castle is a surprise every time".

"The three greatest lies of all time. Big is beautiful, the cheque's in the mail, and of course I won't come in your mouth."

It is ridiculously hot. When it's 90 degrees in Maine in May you can just assume that the world is ending and that we're all gonna die. Seriously. It should not be that hot. Rebecca said something about an earthquake and the earth's axis and the horror that fills my brain with those thoughts I can't deal with at all. All I can see is polar bears with sunburns, it's terrible.

The dogs think it's terrible too, they sleep all day. And then they sleep all night. They must be the most tired dogs in the whole world, you'd think the beatings would keep them on the hop but they're so LAZY...sleeping on the couches all day. With the heat we've started running between 5 and 6 so it's cool enough for all of us and we're all pooped by lunchtime. It makes a very long day for all of us. The runs have been going really well. I'm super impressed with myself. I spend the whole time telling myself I can do it and it turns out I can. When I say I can keep going I do keep going and my legs rock because I really think they could go forever. My lungs don't burn like they used to, my knees are feeling great and the new sports bra is freaking awesome...breasts of steel thanks to victoria's secret. It makes running so much better, I'm only a few weeks from running the entire mountain trail without breaks!

"God Damn, These electric sex pants!"

It's not so much that I'm disenchanted with blogging in particular I'm just disenchanted with everything...except ice cream. This weekend Matt and I found one thousand military history shows to watch on netflix so we spent the whole weekend captivated by horror and now I feel sad and paranoid about zombie nazis. I don't know, I just watched too much tv and now I need to be alone with britney spears videos or something, maybe her mouseketeers era work. I need a fluffy pink bunny to hold my hand or something because i think i damaged my soul. I'm watching the IT Crowd now while I write some resumes in an effort to erase the damage. I'm afraid we might run out of ice cream before I'm healed. Or I'll have a dairy induced heart attack. I really need to get a job...

my baby was a stock image and i don't know why but it made me mad...so i moved her. we'll see if it works.

"You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?"

This week has been crazy, Matt has been home for two days this week and you wouldn't believe how little I get done having a boy around. Jolie, however, has had a busy week smelling porcupines and getting almost 20 new and exciting quills in her nose. It was the best, I loved pulling them all out with tweezers and pliers while she looked at us like we were killing her slowly. It was hard and sad and I really hope she learned everything she'll ever need to know about porcupines.

I am learning more about sparkpeople and it turns out that when you tell it you walk five miles a day you get more calories and also very different meal choices on their meal plan (which I can't help but look at even though it's crazy...like staring at the sun). The meals make marginally more sense with more calories and it seems less like someone spun a wheel of low cal food and picked things with their eyes closed, and also that person had tourrettes, but yeah they do better when they have more calories to work with. I get to eat awesome things I couldn't eat last week when I wasn't honest with sparkpeople, when you share your true feelings with sparkpeople they let you have vanilla frozen yogurt...like a parent might after a frank discussion. I'm still not sure how you eat a yogurt, a granola bar, carrots and 1 tablespoon of grated parmesan cheese...do you mix the cheese into the yogurt...melt it over the carrots...I just don't know.

"She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot."

The thing I hate most about sparkpeople is that I started it ONE THOUSAND years ago and it tells me about how I used to be skinnier. Rub my face in it sparkpeople, cold. Anyway, I'm using spark again just to see where I stand with things and it's not so bad. Smart dogs and eggs are just not high calorie food, so yay for that. On the other hand when I ask Matt about how long he thinks a particular walk is he estimates low and this weekend after walking with us he decided that we do in fact walk at least 4 miles a day. Adding today's exercise into spark people i've burned almost 1000 calories without any of my indoor planned exercise. So I'm left to wondering as I did when I was doing weight watchers that I'm not eating enough calories or drinking enough water. The water I'm working on with a chart on my fridge white board. I put eight slash marks on the board and I wipe one off every time I fill my water glass. If I have a soda...sigh...or lightly sweetened iced tea I add a slash mark to make up for the caffeine. It's my intensely complicated water drinking system because I can't be trusted to fill a water glass an appropriate number of times to sustain life...and/or weight loss.

Even if I can't be trusted to drink enough water I can be trusted to blow dry the rear ends of my baby chickens. Last year we monitored the rumps of our chicks very carefully and nothing ever happened. This year I'm hardly even trying to find butt problems and they keep throwing themselves in my face. Did you want to know about that? No? Shocking. Maybe we're just paranoid but when a chick has a bumper problem we have to wash it...and the downy fluff gets wet and when you put the chick back in the box: A. the other chicks are way too interested and B. the wet chick is then wet and cold. So I blow dry them. On low as to not burn the, err, region. It really seemed like the most reasonable thing to do but probably perdue doesn't bother. Lo the worries of the small and anal retentive farmer.

"He has fingers in more pies than a leper at a cookery course."

It's come to my attention that there is no chocolate in my house. And I have to go bra shopping. It's been an embarrassingly long time since I've bought new ones and I'm deathly afraid of gravity so it's my mission for the week to buy some new ones...and some chocolate. I genuinely wish I had more to chat about than buying bras and eating chocolate. Surely I haven't devolved into a bad sitcom wife? We're getting new chicks so I can work on being Amy the Farmer. And I'm cleaning out my linen cupboard to be Amy Stewart. It so happens that linens are the one thing I haven't reorganized 1000 times. Isn't that fascinating? I'm going to take out all my towels and sheets...and wash them...and put them back. 8th world wonder that. Aren't you glad I shared?

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a mental case."

Remember that time I had leprosy? I got it again this weekend planting apple trees. Black flies are really, really annoying. I'm not an expert but once you have more big bites than you can count there's a whole lot of bug poison in your body and it really kicked my ass. I must have some kind of sensitivity because I've felt like crap all week. Matt not only had half as many but didn't have the exciting swelling, itching and burning like I did. That's really all I have to say, I've been busy swelling and itching all this time instead of blogging. Don't be jealous!

"And which part of my subconcious do you hail from?"

Today we planted 12 trees and every inch of my person is broken. Tomorrow is going to be vastly unpleasant. I'm not much looking forward to our morning run but hey, maybe it won't be the worst hour of my whole life after all. Gotta be positive. The dogs need it even if I'm dying, which is pretty much the best reason to ever get a dog. No rest for the pooch owner. Cats don't care at all how fat you get, they probably prefer it but dogs are along for the journey, bless 'em. I had to go to the cat food store today and lo there was another beautiful adoptable kitty and his name was speed racer! so maybe he would care about my running progress...maybe it was a sign. If only I weren't too broke to adopt every kitty and puppy in the whole world. If only I could lift my arms over my head. So many things to wish for.

"I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off."

Dudes, I have had a busy week with things to do, for people if not for money. It's been very exciting. I had to bake cream puffs and brownies and then I had to eat them...which is taxing...and then I got to babysit for a sickypoo baby who was actually in the best mood I have ever seen him ever and today we are picking up more trees for our orchard. I haven't had such a busy week in a LONG while and it feels almost like being human. I have a weekend of physical labor to look forward to, planting and other gardening duties. It's kind of awesome.

My running is coming along great. The icyhot really helps my knees and the snowshoeing kept my muscles in awesome shape because there has been no warming up curve at all. I'm kind of amazed. I have to admit it feels better than I ever would have thought to work the muscles that way. I have a strong memory of running till I felt like I would die, 3 minutes or so, and now I hardly ever feel like I'm going to die at all. Progress is a beautiful thing!

"But sweetie, you'll get bedsores."

I'm taking a quick break in my domestic duties to tell you all how very disappointed I am that while I feel ill I'm not sick enough to lose thirty pounds. A little stomach flu never hurt anyone! Sigh. There's always next time. Perhaps I'll mail order a tape worm.

And that's where I want to stop because my blog has turned into a collection of brain dead text messages. My narcissism level is critically low lately. But perhaps I should keep typing till I get a paragraph? Or even two. I applied to work at some banks today. It just occurred to me that it might be a good idea, better late than never...maybe. I suppose it's better than debtor's prison but the more i think about it it's very much the same, only the clothes are less dickensian. And that's it, I'm spent. I have not another thing to say. Or Blog. Jolie is making out with a clifford doll and it's taking all of my attention. They make a very cute couple.

"content to do very little, slowly"

We're all pooped from our run this morning. I don't know what they were up to but I made a point of running and jogging every flat and uphill grade. Matt has a theory that downhills are more damaging than uphills so I skip those. I've been using icy hot on my knee before runs and at bedtime as Roxy suggested and it's been very helpful. I feel pretty good lately and the one day I skipped the morning run I felt so ridiculously stiff that I promised myself I wouldn't skip a walk/run again. Now I'm preparing to have my second breakfast and leave the house to do errands. Leaving the house is such a big deal lately, I'm going to put on real clothes with no holes or stains and it's going to be momentous.

I have one hundred returns to make and then buy some oven cleaner...so you know i'm spending my afternoon with my head in the oven but hopefully without the gas on. If I don't blog tomorrow send flowers.

"I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight"

If Knox could blog he would totally tell you guys that I'm in the well and to send help but probably only because he wants me to stop cleaning. Dooce says it's her mental illness that keeps her floors so clean and to tell you the truth I do feel better when I'm vacuuming. Jolie let me vacuum her feet which really solves the whole dirt to floor problem before it starts. It's going to be a long day for the woofs in my house.

"have you seen my drawer of inappropriate starches"

I finished the first season of Dollhouse on netflix yesterday and I only got one quote. Damn you Joss Whedon! Today I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't spend any amount of time sitting down so I'm typing quickly while standing in my kitchen. I have baked beans in the oven and am working on the laundry, it's domestic goddess day. I'm making coconut cupcakes later and then any other thing I can think of because I didn't get anything done yesterday and I felt terrible. I'm determined to be more productive today to get out of this funk. If I have to force myself through it I will, one to do list at a time. The cupcakes will help too.

"dead people are talking to you, do the math"

So, I exercise a lot and I don't spend my whole day eating cake so it's starting to get kind of annoying that my weight never changes. I mean I'm not asking for a lot and I don't always count my calories but I have a very good idea of the calories i eat because I'm boring and I eat the same things all the time...like when I was doing weight watchers and spark people and reading labels. There are ideas that maybe I'm not eating enough calories or that I need to get my thyroid adjusted and I'm definitely not drinking enough water, they're all good ideas and I'm working on all of them but I'm still pissed off. And now I'm venting. Le sigh.

"No. But then again I'm probably lying."

The last few days I've been running part of my walks. The dogs like it and my muscles like it but my knees are on strike. There is something about how good running can feel that always surprises me. Like it's against the rules to enjoy it. Weird enough I've been feeling incredibly unfit lately and it's really pissing me off. It genuinely doesn't seem right that I walk and hike and run more each day and feel like I can breath less each time. I feel like at the pinnacle of each walk I feel more beat than I did the day before and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to go the other way. It's starting to get really annoying, like I don't have enough reminders about the nowhere I'm going. I'm really puzzled and not sure what to do about it or if there really is a root to the problem but what I do know is that I don't like feeling like dirt doing my every day things.

"You should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer."

The weirdnesses that have occurred lately are starting to pile up and wear me down. I thought the dead bunny was like the most upsetting thing that could happen but it turns out that was just the beginning. After the bunny incident I went out alone to find the rabbit foot that Jolie left behind. Something else must have stolen it because I couldn't find it but I did find that all of the chickens had escaped their pen. The door is broken and the wind blew it open and there were chickens everywhere. I caught them all, eventually, and I figured if the bunny foot was out there the dogs would no doubt find it and I'd deal with it then. So I took the dogs out for their afternoon walk and they didn't find the foot. Yay. I thought yay until we were coming back and Knox went into the woods and came back with a leg bone. I'm telling myself it was a deer bone and Matt is telling me it was a deer bone and it's resting in the extra fridge, with the bunny, so I can make soup with it later. Heh.

That was yesterday. I didn't take the dogs out again until Matt came home because I just couldn't take it anymore. Chasing and wrestling dead things from puppies is exhausting. I had to make myself some medicinal caramel corn to relax. And then some brownies. And a cocktail. I was hoping today would be better and I was all full of hope when we took our walk...until we saw a car. Our road is private, you can tell by the no trespassing signs EVERYWHERE. And yet whenever I speak to an interloper they always say "I just realized this was a private road!" Uh huh. This morning was no different and the dudes in question drove away pretty fast...toward the highway...with the dogs following them. Neither the dogs nor the driver would stop or turn around for anything so I had to chase them up the road, yelling. It was awesome. I was pretty sure they'd follow the jeep onto the road and be killed when the little dog came back. We kept going and yelling and eventually the big dog came back and my heart rate slowed enough to walk home.

We work on come every day, every single day. But trespassers make me nervous and make them nervous and we all lose our grip just a little, Cesar would not be proud. And I really do know that it's my fault my dogs wouldn't come when I called them but I'm still mad that people drive on our private road without permission, and leave trash and shoot into the woods and steal things. If there hadn't been a tree down blocking the road I never would have caught them and I'm sure the dogs would have run the other way a few miles. These guys said they were looking for somewhere to fish but they didn't have poles and they drove away awful fast so I seriously doubt it. I'm sure they were armed and they were definitely weird and Matt has promised to drop more trees at the head of the road so I won't call him from the edge anymore. I think any amount of manual labor would be worth not having emergency calls from home every day. Personally, full time employment is looking better and better.

"I just figured you'd be terrified, and I would be sarcastic about it."

When I call my dogs and they don't come my worst fear is they are hurt. My second worst fear is that they have found a treasure. Treasures are usually dead things or parts of dead things. Today's corpse was a bunny. Most of a bunny anyway. It's not like there is a good corpse to find but bunnies are so cute! I felt extra sad about stuffing the bunny in the broken refrigerator which has since become the dead stuff store room. Oh how I wish we didn't have a dead stuff store room.

The interview went pretty well I think. They're making a decision in the next week or so and I guess I'll know how well it went then. I'm not going to talk about how exciting the job is because that never works, I'm going to plan on being broke and bored to death at home. I will say that this job involves a lot of cake so it could be pretty awesome...and fattening.

I didn't expect to start my day with a dead bunny so I'm not really sure where my day is going from here. Anything would be up I guess.

"I was being patient but it took too long."

Today I have a promising interview. Is that redundant? Aren't all interviews supposed to be promising. I don't know, some of them are depressing from the get go. This one sounds pretty awesome and I'm excited about it. Hopefully I come back home just as positive.

the Don Draper contrition tour

I've been watching Mad Med all day and I have decided that I don't need to exercise anymore, I just need a corset and a hairstylist and I'll be Joan. Doesn't that sound like a good plan?

"if a fashion magazine told her to, she'd wear cats strapped to her feet."

Nothing, nothing, nothing...that's what I've got lately. Sat on my couch and got nothing done but some dishes, and a pot roast. I am a housewife, a bad one. Remember that show Married with Children and Peggy ate bonbons and they were broke all the time, I feel like that's my life. I know it's not the truth but that's what it feels like. Some weeks are harder than others. Having nothing to do but run the house feels like it should be awesome except it's not. It's boring beyond all recognition. I kill time all day, kill kill kill it. A hundred years ago when I thought about being home all the time I thought I'd be exercising all day and cooking all day and I'd lose a hundred pounds and write the american novel and be awesome in some third as yet unknown way but mostly it's just boring. I have clothes to fold but you know what...it doesn't matter if it gets done today because I have tomorrow...and the next day and the next day. I thrive on deadlines and pressure and getting things done and when there is nothing to get done on any particular timetable I just kind of unravel. This is me unraveling I guess.

I keep thinking of ways that I can give my day structure and turn my life into something beyond killing time. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I have whole weeks where I don't feel the crushing weight of nothing. This week is not one of those weeks and as Merry says this is a no blogging zone. I hate blogging about nothing, it depresses me and I'm sure it depresses you.

"Man, atonement's a bitch."

Today I am sewing a dress. Or rather I would be if I wasn't blogging and doing everything else I can think of to avoid sewing the dress. I'm a little afraid of this dress. I started in December and realized it wasn't right for christmas and I thought I'd have plenty of time to finish it by april. And I did, have the time that is. It's just that every day I thought about it and every day I said I'll have time tomorrow and lo and behold I'm out of tomorrows. I could easily finish this dress today if I had the physical ability to focus, or the fear of god. The best that can be said is that I'm going to try really hard to finish this bad boy today. All I have to do is cook a quick dinner and help Matt can the maple syrup and then sew till my eyes bleed. Do I know how to have a good time or what?

About the atonement...I need to get my ass to the pilates class I hold in my living room. It's been a long time and I'm paying for it by the fact that my core muscles are killing me. They really need to be stretched. Actually all my muscles need to be stretched. I was reading a book yesterday (instead of sewing) and one of the characters was climbing a muddy hill and found his leg muscles didn't like it. Imagine that. I do that every day and every day I feel older and more decrepit because every day it gets harder to climb that damn hill. Between the rain and the snow melt the road has been mud central for weeks and even the dogs are over it. I have no choice but to keep walking up the hill but sheesh my leg muscles are killing me.

The one thing I learned about myself when I was doing weight watchers is that I don't give myself enough credit for the exercise I do. I've been trying to be more objective about evaluating my exercise and while I know I need to be doing more and different things I don't really take into account how hard our walks are. I'm enjoying jump roping, rope jumping, jumping rope...I'm really not sure...and I know pilates would make me feel better if I did it regularly and I really wish that was enough to make me do it.

"'So, are you still "Grrr"?"

This weekend I had to buy some cat food. I am always buying food for dogs and cats and chickens and boyfriends. There is a lot of eating at my house. Anyway, I had to go to the cat food store which is not the same as the dog food store or the chicken food store or the boyfriend food store. Isn't that just the way, I have to go to 1000 different stores every week. The cat food store is particularly treacherous because they have kitties from the humane society there. The kitties are very cute and meowy and they look extra sad in the cages because the store is huge...it just makes them look more sad and lonely. So I was already emotionally blackmailed when I met Ron, a ginger haired blue eyed kitty with soft long fur and the psychic abilities to make everyone want to adopt him. He's named Ron after Ron Weasley because he has red hair/fur. I want him bad even though it would make Matt need medicating and I would adopt him if I had the money.

He's not on the Bangor humane society website anymore so I'm hoping he has a home because I can't stop thinking about him. I really want to get the dogs a kitten so they can learn that not all kitties are mean but the need for homes for older cats is so great, maybe they have some laid back ones that can build a bridge. I really just want to adopt every homeless cat and dog in the whole world because my human guilt level is really high. I'm clearly on my way to being a cat lady.

"You look good, still drinking the blood of children?"

All of my muscles hurt. It's not even from exercise...it's from decay or age or atrophy...something like that. I haven't felt up to much exercise this week apart from the daily walks with my personal trainers.



They're serious about walking. And bones.

Dancing in the streets

So, he be dancin'. This is my grocery store, and my pharmacy and the bookstore I used to work in and the best part is that almost no one reacts at all which is so Maine I can't stand it.

"Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by."

Pastaqueen is right, we did have a sleepover moment talking about bloggers that have disappeared. It was like memorial day for websites past but with a smaller parade. I feel like so many folks have come and gone which sounds like they're soldiers which is an image I am totally not going for because wow enough of us take this too seriously as it is. The three of us all there together sharing a room was kind of awesome because we've all been blogging around the same length of time and we just keep going like energizer bunnies. I understand why people stop blogging or relocate their blogs but I feel like there would be a big hole in my life if I stopped blogging, I really can't imagine it. Word crack.

I miss a lot of people, folks who have gone or moved or went private. There is a void when someone leaves. We put out more of ourselves via internet than I think we realize I heard something recently that was interesting, someone referring to all of our modern communications systems as systems designed to keep people away from each other. I find that I agree with that in many ways which means to me that I need more therapy than I thought because I really would prefer to communicate solely by keyboard. I think that's my most honest time, when I sit behind a computer and really think about what I'm saying and how I want to say it. I feel like the people I miss most are the ones who really made me feel something like how I feel when I'm blogging.

A lot of the sites I read aren't weight loss or fitness related and I don't add them to my blogroll because it's like one of these things isn't like the other and probably it's ocd related. I'm over that now and I'm adding everything I love to my blogroll. Organization be damned because it doesn't really matter. It's my blog and my spot on the interworld and I have been rethinking my goals lately and I don't know what I want from here so I'm just letting it flow until something feels right, however long it takes.

"I assume there's a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation here."

PastaQueen and Rebecca peer pressured me into buying chocolate granola and just because they were in different states at the time doesn't mean it didn't happen that way. We talked about it at fitbloggin and that's where the pressure came in because everyone said "ooh" when I mentioned it and that "ooh" was enough to make me buy anything. It was something I wasn't sure I wanted to buy because it's granola and granola isn't supposed to chocolatey it's supposed to be wholesome or something. I have a fear of products that sound too good to be true, chocolate granola seemed like it might be one of those products but what with the peer pressuring I bought it anyway.

I bought Bear Naked's Heavenly Chocolate granola. I'm a fan of their vanilla almond granola but it took me a while to really love it, I was a little ambiguous about it when I first tried it and I have to admit I feel the same way about the chocolate. I have expectations of loving it but right now I just like it. It has that chocolate cereal taste that's just a tiny bit off really tasty chocolate, like chocolate poptarts and coco puffs. I'll let you know if I decide it's a life revelation instead of something that's just too good to be true.

'Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.'

I've spent all afternoon writing haikus for Merry and I suggest you do the same because it's hilarious. Today started crappily, I had an interview first thing and every single thing went wrong. I told Rebecca I was cursed and that I should look for voodoo jobs and she said something about seeking professional help like with straight jackets or medication, she's a card. It was a total waste of time, again, but it wasn't all bad news because I set something else up for tomorrow that sounds even better. Funny how fast you can go from bummed to pleasantly optimistic. The haikus definitely helped.

Seo appropriate title here

Is it surprising to me that I'm no good at this? I should have learned in July that conferences aren't my thing...what with the people. It would be fine without the people. I've spent weeks and weeks spending my days talking to dogs. They're very supportive communicators and they're always enthusiastic no matter how ridiculous my words are. I think I like blogging because there's a screen and miles of wire and space between myself and you. I'm better with distance. And keyboards. And anonymity.

Must remember this is just not me no matter how much I try.

No cake left behind

At fitbloggin with Rebecca and jennette pondering oatmeal versus captain crunch French toast. Healthy living indeed.

"this school is sensitive to wrong touching"

It took me ages to find a title and now I can't remember what I was going to blog about. OH, now I remember. I weighed myself this morning after what I assumed would have been a very bad week indeed and it's less than when I was actually trying. The first time I've gotten lower than my previous weight was completely on my own without torturing myself. It's amazing. I haven't been using weight watchers for AGES and I was going to cancel it after fitbloggin. I still might. I know many many people have done amazing things with the help of weight watchers but I guess it's not me. I tried and sometimes it worked but I think for me so much focus on food drives me a little crazy.

I'm hoping the weather will help us continue with our exciting hiking and exercising plans. I'm having a lot of fun discovering the woods without the snow and so are the dog. Jumping rope is still kicking my ass but I definitely need to get a job soon so I can buy a new sports bra, you really need support when jumping rope. A lot of it.

I don't know how many of you read Mimi Smartypants but she wrote a great post about women's health magazine and feelings about numbers on labels and you should read it if you haven't already.

"It was like the Soviet Secret Police, if they cared a lot about shoes."

I found my jumprope last week. I bought it a long time ago and then I guess I lost it but now I found it and seriously jumping rope kicks my ass. And my pecs. Sheesh! I tried to do pilates one afternoon after jumping rope (a pathetic small amount of jumping) and my pectorals hurt so much I only got through about ten minutes. Five minutes of rope jumping makes my lungs burn like running up a hill. It's great exercise with an unexpectedly high learning curve. I'm sure I wasn't this much of a klutz when I was a kid, I have a long way to go.

I should be stepping but my knee is bothering me. I'm packing my knee tape for fitbloggin' but I only signed up to walk a mile. I should be able to walk a mile with no problem, we hike a few miles every day. Yesterday I had a hiking milestone. We snowshoed some trails over the winter and I learned them pretty well but when the snow melts you can't see the trail anymore and it looks just like any other part of the woods. I've been learning the new ground trail a little bit every day and yesterday I did the whole thing without worrying we'd die cold and alone in the woods. The dogs like new trails and I'm glad I learned some navigation skills.

It was a really great hike for me. I just watched a movie on hiking the appalachian trail and I'm all inspired for my summer hiking now. I really want to get some mountains this summer, last year with puppies we were still training and practicing leash walking but I think we're ready to do some actual mountain hiking this year. Knox has his backpack and I guess he'll be taking up the slack for Jolie, carrying toys and poo and snacks. I'm really excited about it actually, the snow is gone early and the weather is pretty beautiful for March. We're off to Bar Harbor today and we might get a little walk in there but probably we'll start our summer hiking right after fitbloggin', I can't wait!

"Just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative."

Today I did some shopping when I was supposed to only be returning. The thing about spending time in stores is the longer you're there the more you're convinced you need everything you see and then you get home and you think "gee, who actually needs a red patent leather belt and a leopard print raincoat". I shouldn't be allowed to go to stores. Those aren't the actual things I bought but it feels like they are. I actually bought some very adorable shoes for a wedding except that I don't have a dress yet and then I bought a houndstooth cardigan to wear to a job I don't have in a season that's quickly disappearing. I never spent this much time in shops when I had a job, I've got things a bit out of order.

I've been using my stepper almost daily. It's very cyclical me and my stepper. Sometimes I just forget it's there and then I remember and I use the heck out of it and except for a crackling in my knee it makes me feel really good. I use some handweights and watch tv and I can easily spend 20-30 minutes exercising that I would have spent sitting and surfing otherwise. I'm definitely noticing my arm muscles more and my leg muscles feel amazing. It's not what I should be doing which is pilates but it's better than nothing. And better than spending money.

"I don't think he falls into the deadly threat to humanity category"

I'm one of those people who when the power goes out I keep trying to turn on the lights because it's just a habit, like breathing and blinking...there really isn't a thought process. It always makes me feel like an idiot because it's not like I didn't know the power was out. Today I have a new hard drive, which is kind of like having a new computer. It's weird. When I was talking to the applecare folks they asked for a callback number and you know...I don't know my home number. I had to go look it up. I don't know any phone numbers by heart any more because of the little plastic thing I keep with me at all times called my cell phone.

What I'm saying is that my computer is now a blank slate. Do you know how many times I have gone to my bookmarks bar like I always do and there's nothing there. And not only is there nothing there but I can't remember what was there. I took my brain out of the equation with the bookmarks bar and now I just feel stupid. Not as stupid as losing all my pictures and data FOREVER but pretty stupid. I spent a very long time yesterday at the mall scheming about how I was going to recover things from facebook and gmail and I'm working on it. I also gave myself some blisters and made Rebecca cry.

The good news is that my computer is not just an expensive paperweight anymore. More good news is that the good folks of apple in Portland Maine didn't charge me for the new hard drive or the labor. I guess driving three hours both way (uphill, in this much snow) made them sympathetic enough to comp it for me. Now I just have to start over. There are worse things. I could be paying a huge bill and then starting over.

The hard drive is dead, long live the hard drive. Tristan at the apple store in Portland took pity on me and rushed the fix so I don't have to drive back to Bangor at 9. Bless him! I've been shopping for two hours now and I'm starting to get mall fever and I'm giving Rebecca a medical condition with my incessant texting. So much suffering.

My computer is currently flashing a question mark at me. We had a little problem with the worlds largest cookbook ffalling on it. Suffice to say it sucks and I might cry. Preparing to call AppleCare and trade brownies for tech help. If it weren't for those brownies! Meme Roth was right, dessert does kill!

"Will hiding in a cavern with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?"

Some folks have requested to know what happened at the interview the other day, gluttons for my punishment. Matt had an interesting take in that the place where I went for the interview is sort of known for screw-ups and even though it's upsetting it might actually be a sign as per why I don't want to work there anyway. Alas, here is what happened. I said 10:30 and she said 10:30 and then she wrote down 9:30 in two places which she didn't hesitate to remind me. I re-scheduled but there's no way to fix it, decisions get made in the first 30 seconds and mine are well up. It comes down to very little. I could draw it out but I ought to have called to confirm like the dentist does and it's all my fault even though it's not really because I know she wasn't listening to me, not really. Listening more than talking is the key to everything and also getting written confirmation.

But forget about it because it's snowing and beautiful out. We've gotten the short end of the stick snow wise this year so it's pretty exciting. Right now I'm cooking and cleaning and being a housewife. I cleaned out my closet and I found lots of great clothes I completely forgot I had. This is good because a lot of my jeans aren't fitting that well. I haven't lost all that much weight but my jeans are crazy loose. This is positive because I haven't been a very good weight watcher lately. I'm eating pretty well but I'm not tracking. Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm planning to start over but it hasn't been a worse week than any other. I'm hovering just under where I've been hovering and I'm almost ready to push harder. This week has been great in a way because I have lots of pre-cooked meals in the fridge and that just makes things so easy. It's not all weight watcher's friendly food but generally high in protein and lower in fat and I'm not looking for snacks all the time. It's something I need to remember, good food in the fridge makes all the difference in how I feel about my day.

"I don't have a destiny. I'm destiny-free, really."

I don't have words for what happened today but it was not good. I looked great though, so much better than the woman who actually interviewed in my time slot. OH LOOK, I do have some words. Really, I just don't want to talk about it because I have no idea where forward is on this job and probably there isn't one and probably I should just check the paper again and then get drunk. This is not how I thought today would go.

"If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."

I've been shopping since ever and I've bought everything. So at least I have lots of options. I have two things picked out, a skirt blouse and sweater vs. a suity dress.



These are they, what do you guys think? I tried to photoshop out the mess of my bedroom but I'm not sure I improved the pictures...shame you can't white wash rooms like that. Anyway, I'm fairly confident that either outfit would work and on my last shopping trip I added a new trench coat to complete the ensemble. I wanted to add some very simple shoes but the only ones that worked in my price range were a pair I bought and sold on ebay last year and I couldn't bring myself to do it again, it was just too weird. I picked up a blazer too but it makes me look like a line backer so it's the first to go back tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks for all the advice, you can never have too many opinions about clothes. It takes a village to get dressed. This super sweet lady offered me some of her tiny suits which is amazingly generous but I didn't have enough time to organize the hunger strike that would make those sizes fit me. Rats! I'm rocking the 12 right now but even then some designers are more generous than others with their sizing. We should really organize a clothing swap somehow, shame everyone's flying in for fitbloggin', it's not really practical to pack clothes you're trying to get rid of.

I was expecting the shopping to be more demoralizing but it wasn't. I think it's like Murphy's law of shopping that if you have no money everything will fit and be awesome and when you have cash to burn there's nothing worth buying. Maybe that's all in my head. I dunno. I'm rocking a 12 in most designers but some are more generous than others. The dress above is a calvin klein 12 but another adorable and very cheap dress in the same vein wouldn't go over my head. It was almost an "oh my god I'm stuck in this dress" moment but I saved it just in time. I don't think I've ever tried on so many dresses without crying before. I think that's definitely a step forward.

grouchy mcgrouchenstien

I live at the corner of no and where and you'd think I'd be more adjusted to dealing without power but yesterday just sucked. On a normal day I don't get that much done and there's guilt and feeling lazy but yesterday it got all compounded and I spent the whole day running down batteries on my phone and computer and reading and I just felt like I was pulsating frustrated energy. It was cold and wet out so we could only walk so much, the dogs were pretty great about it actually considering how grrry I felt all day. There was this whole thing with the generator and his family and who deserves to have a cold fridge and a warm house more and I've never been so relieved to have the power come back on. It was only 24 hours and it still feels like I should be filling containers with water and preparing for the lights to go out.

This morning I woke up to a very disturbing dream about my client who isn't my client anymore and hasn't been for ages. It was very lifelike and it reminded me so much of how she used to make me feel and Yikes! It was not a good feeling and it reminds me of what I meant to post about the other day when my pre-thirties on set dementia kicked in. I am not making the most of my time at home. I'm not enjoying it even a little. I'm so freaking stressed out about money that I consider a day fully lived as one in which I get all the dishes done before Matt gets home from work. I'm home with my sewing machine and my dogs and paint and god knows what else. We could be going out every day to do things that don't cost any money but I can't get my brain screwed on right. I'm not trying at all to get out from under this cloud and it has to be over right now. I can't take another minute.

I had this thought the other day like "gee, if I get that job I won't have any more free time!" well shit then, stop being a mopey moper and do something with your damn time! If it were that easy to talk yourself out of a depression then well we wouldn't need doctors and medication but to recognize things suck and to do nothing when you're capable is just stupid. If washing the dishes was good therapy, well I can't think of an analogy bad enough for thinking washing the dishes is salvation because there isn't one because that's ridiculous. Fuck the dishes, get out of the house and live you moron! I'm writing that on my wall with a big damn sharpie and if Matt complains he's going to have to make his own turkey pot pies because this amy is officially on the edge!

Not having power and water sucks and I never ever want to be a pioneer amy again.

"She's terse. I can be terse."

This morning I was getting ready to leave the house, a monumental occasion in itself, and I had this great idea for a post and I didn't write it down because it was such a good idea there was no way I could possibly forget it. Now I have no idea what that idea was, something to do with AGE and oncoming DEMENTIA probably. Anyway, yesterday after the dead hand incident I was a little frustrated and I called Matt and he suggested I leave the house. I haven't left the house except for very specific errands for a month. I'm terrified of spending money so it's better for my psyche if I stay in the house except eventually that makes you crazy too.

As it happens I have an important job interview coming up so today I took myself to Marshalls and TJ Maxx to look for very cheap but totally awesome interview clothes. A long time ago I stopped going to bargain stores because I always buy more than I intend and things I don't need and I don't have the space even if I did have the money so I just don't go. Today I bought very cheap green tea with lemon, strawberry preserves, belgian chocolate for 2 dollars a bar! and a bunch of cute but maybe not appropriate interview clothes. This is why I'm not allowed to leave the house, I bought chocolate and clothes that are very adorable but mostly not office job ready so I guess I have to go back to the drawing board.

The whole thing has inspired me to do a bit of shopping in my closet and I'm finding a lot of things I had completely forgotten about. I found a cashmere sweater that will work with a pair of pants I bought today and a lot of tops that are better than some of the ones I brought home. I'm torn on the suit issue. Probably I should suck it up and buy a suit no matter how ridiculous I feel in it, that's probably the sensible thing to do but I just don't know. I have a feeling this is a casual/laid back kind of office judging by the phone call I received where the interviewer made a joke about being "psycho" but then maybe that's a sign to run far far away. Maybe I just don't want to buy a suit because they make me feel like a fraud and look 700. There are many beautiful women who look astonishing in suits but I just don't and it takes a toll on my nerves. I've been going to interviews lately in a skirt/sweater/boots combination that I really feel great in but alas I haven't gotten either of those jobs. Sigh.

The crypt keeper's diet

This morning Jolie found a porcupine hand and I learned something important about snowshoeing. What is that? Well, it turns out you can't catch a dog on snowshoes no matter how fast you are. There is no zigging and zagging on snowshoes, it was tragic. I trailed her and her cold dead hand all the way back to the house where I lured them in with cheese and eventually got the hand. It was all so GROSS that I ran right to the shower while the dogs finished up the rest of the cheese so not only did I get extra exercise chasing corpse bits I also lost two week's worth of cheese so I'll have a low fat diet. I should lose ten pounds this week.

I was really pumped to go snowshoeing this morning and I wondered why I stopped going every single day and then I got back after the hand adventure and everything hurts. In a good way but I really felt like when I was chasing the grave robber that I was 200 hundred years old and I wasn't going to make it back to the house. The snow looked so soft and comfy and if I didn't think the hand chewer would come cuddle me I would've taken a nap.

the olympics two weeks too late

I guess technically it's not too late to be excited about the olympics but seriously I just realized I could watch it online. They also have this great stuff at the store, bread that's sliced and everything. Sometimes I really amaze myself. I spent three hours watching pairs figure skating before I realized I could also fast forward. Yikes. Right now I'm wishing I took more than one snowboarding lesson. I'm also wishing there was somewhere nearby to board but ski mountains are so far from here. Matt's building a road up the mountain next year though so that could work out. I wonder if I could talk him into a half pipe?

I guess it could be worse because at least I haven't spent the day eating. The olympic mania really inspired our second snowshoe trek and it was really awesome and now everything hurts. I imagine the cowbells and the clapping and it's awesome.

"This does not look good for our heroine"

If I had to go to a real meeting and weigh in I couldn't lie like I imagine myself doing when I have to enter my weight on weight watcher's.com. There's really no point in lying to a website you pay for and yet the desire is always there. I'm up one pound which hardly seems worth lying about except that I feel so much pressure to be down a pound and I know I haven't been "working the program" this week. Matt wanted waffles one day this week and there was batter left over and I couldn't bring myself to just chuck it when things are so tight. I spread it out over two days but it was still a five point breakfast when I didn't need a five point breakfast and half a waffle isn't that filling so it just starts the day off badly. Twice. Yesterday I painted my bathroom and my arms are falling off so I'm hoping my muscles are waterlogged but not only that when Matt asked if I wanted anything from the store I asked for a dove candy bar. I don't know why! I have never asked him to bring me chocolate ever, I'm possessed or something...probably I should start going to church and start saving up holy water for my exorcism.

I think maybe reading the want ads is driving me insane. This week's paper has three jobs and a guy looking for chest freezers. What is he going to do with all those chest freezers, eh? There's a crime novel just waiting to be written there, but no jobs to apply for. I wonder how much depression weighs?

"This must be what going mad feels like."

I can't believe fitbloggin' is so close, I can't even process it. There is so much going on in my head with budgeting and job searching that my brain is full and then every once in a while I see a tweet about the conference that wakes me up and it's like "wow, that's only a month away". So, wow, it's only a month away! I see the list of conference goers is getting longer and longer and I wonder if any of you folks are going that I don't know about? I was thinking of Baltimore this morning when it was snowing and now the snow has stopped and Damn you mid-atlantic for getting all the snow this year! We actually had mud yesterday, one shouldn't have to clean up muddy and snowy dog messes at the same time...there's a natural order of things that should be upheld here. I wonder if there will still be snow there in a month...the one big storm we had when I was in school there was a hot mess. The highways were awful and it occurred to no one to slow down, it was like a range rover sales lot got turned upside down.

So, I'm planning to drive to Baltimore and no one wants to drive with me, because I'm a leper. It hurts my feelings a little because I am an excellent driver and also I could totally use help with the gas money and not going crazy for 12 hours in a car by myself listening to my 90's dance mix. Seriously, I'm a catch. Baby road trips are great, you get all the fun parts without too much time to get road trip overload.

The other things I don't want to talk about are how I haven't lost any weight this week because I am a moron. Some days are just so hard for NO reason and you just have to pick up and keep going. Today I have painting planned which should keep me busy and out of the kitchen. Wish me luck for a better weigh in this week!

"Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."

Today I had an interview for a job for which one eventually gets a paycheck and to prepare for the very exciting event I set my hair on fire. I'm not sure exactly what is with me and my problems with open flame lately but it never gets old. Nothing like the smell of burnt hair to get you in the mood to charm and bamboozle a possibly employer into hiring you. Also, it's attractive...the singed look. It adds a little something.

Actually you can't tell the difference between the burnt side and the non-burnt side and maybe that means I need a haircut, or possibly a hat. I don't know exactly but it seems my ability to sabotage myself knows no bounds. To tell the truth the interview went very well and it's only a part time job so if I don't get it it's not the end of the world. The employer seems really great and I'm sure I could learn a lot from her, it was a positive experience either way it goes.

It's weigh in friday and I officially lost nothing. Better than gaining, must keep positive and I know I haven't been trying very hard. I'm happy with my exercise regime and even my arm muscles are feeling tighter and grrrrrier I've just been eating too much. I haven't been eating all my points (as in weeklies and activity) but I'm just not convinced more food is the way to go. Maybe I'm brainwashed. I'm very afraid that a) I will take eating all my points to mean eating cookies for all my points and b) that I'll never lose any more weight if I eat so much. I feel like I'm over eating now and I'm not eating all my allotted points so maybe I just have to let go this week and see what happens. I don't want to put my body on starvation alert and get to plateau I can't break so maybe maybe maybe I need to give it a try eating all the points and trying not to make them cookies and see what happens. It's possible I'm conditioned to see all eating as overeating and maybe that's something I need to work on with my at home interweb therapy program. Shame I can't watch Oprah..

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."

A while back I was getting my gloat on about how little sugar I needed to survive. Sort of like methadone. Only the last few days my theory has bit the dust because every time I have tea with sugar I feel ill. Sugar is trying to kill me and I don't like it, the whole thing is un-american. I guess slightly sweet tea is no longer my opiate of hunger and I'll have to start eating food or something. Speaking of which I bought a cantaloupe yesterday and I already sliced her up so there won't be any explosions this time around. It was a very motivating explosion. If I thought everything I didn't deal with in a timely matter would blow up I'd never have a to do list.

I've been using the slightly sweet tea to take me through mealtimes without needing a lot of snacks. I'm in this whole "it worked before!" mindset but seriously this isn't before and if before had gone so well there wouldn't be a before there would just be a skinny now with a different wardrobe. This is me letting go of "what worked before" because that was what, two years ago and things have changed a lot. It's really easy to lose weight when all you eat is pizza and dessert and you switch to yogurt. When you're eating yogurt and salad and you still need to lose weight things are different and also you're older and essentially I'm saying it's no good to whine about what used to work because that day is not today. I'm not making so much sense what with the nausea so bear with me while I try to convince myself to move forward instead of navel gazing the past.

In the present I haven't had to change my meals all that much, mostly I watch portions better and send all of matt's treats to work with him and it had been working. I had started looking at new foods and meals to get the things I need without adding points I don't need but most days I don't plan snacks. I see how many points I have after adding my planned meals and then I just eat whatever until I'm out of points. This is not a plan, just a series of reactions to situations and what I might have in the house. I definitely have the time and I'm working up the motivation (really wish something would explode) to plan my whole day and build a routine.

I had the most success in a routine environment where I couldn't get whatever I wanted whenever. My last year has been a little like that but also putting me into a lot of unsolicited food situations and had me driving past fast food twice a day which is really out of the norm for me. I can count on my hands the number of times I stopped but it's one of those things the more you do it the more it seems like the thing to do and I so don't need to go there. I'd do best locked in a room all day with a hole for a food tray, like solitary confinement. Makes me wonder why no one's invented the prison diet.

"Nobody deserves a mime."

Matt and I had a long weekend of physical labor and emotional anguish and today was really long. I know some people think we spoil our pets but if you wax rhapsodic about punching our dogs and you don't know why that's the wrong thing to do you're not my friend and you're not my family and I kind of don't want you in my house again ever. I've been fighting the grumps all day because that person was totally in my house all day long and ignoring someone like that only brings so much satisfaction. I did have a very good walk this morning with my very good doggies and it helped a lot. I've always liked to run when I was in a bad mood and it always helps, it's harder to get that same rush just from walking but you do feel pretty great when you get to the top of a trail and the sky is so blue. The crippling cold always brings the most beautiful clear blue skies, something to be thankful for when you're chipping the frost off your nose.

Today I received a dress I ordered a while back. It's from etsy and it's really adorable except that it's much too big. I love it because it's blue and it has pockets but seriously the sucker is huge. I can't return it so I might try taking it to a tailor unless anyone has any better ideas? I'd love to say I could alter it myself but I like to only screw up things I make for other people...I think the pressure would be too much. Part of me is thinking I should have known better than to order a dress online without trying it on but it was very cheap and is so unique I couldn't resist giving it a shot. C'est la vie.

"They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing."

So, apparently walking with poles has already been invented. There goes my fancy new career in inventorship because "nordic walking" already exists. Look, here's a website. And it has instructional videos incase walking with poles is too big a concept to grasp, maybe it's the gum chewing that's holding me back. On the interesting side the weight watchers website lists nordic walking as an exercise and I get a lot of points, points I didn't get when I called it "hiking" so now I feel even more virtuous, and also hungry. It amazes me that weight watchers has it on their exercise list when they don't have Mott's applesauce or Friendly's ice cream as food options. I thought it was a regional thing but they have every kind of Stonyfield yogurt known to man and that's made in New Hampshire from standoffish puritan new english cows so it's a big mystery to me.

That's all I had to say about that. I've been "nordic" walking for a wee while now so I have no idea how many activity points I've actually been earning. I adjusted yesterday's activity because I remember it well enough but now I'm sure I earned more than 63 activity points last week and I'm not sure what that means toward my results for the week. I've been hemming and hawing about how many activity points to eat because generally if I'm hungry I eat something so I don't feel like I haven't been eating enough. I definitely don't not eat something because I'll go over my points. I might eat something different (i.e. I really don't eat pudding all day every day) but I don't walk around feeling deprived because the points whisper in my ear. Guess we'll see what happens next week.

"That was real manly how you shrieked and all."

I guess I technically didn't lose "nothing" this week but it feels like nothing. I probably could have lost more if I got a haircut or used a loofah and still Weight Watchers has reduced my points. Do they do that when the current points fail to make a difference or when you lose x amount of weight or do they just re-evaluate every month? I'm confused because it feels anti-climatic. I guess it's good to re-evaluate and I have been sitting all week when I wasn't walking the dogs. I had placed myself as a stander because when I'm working I'm doing all the active house things for someone else's house but now that I'm not working I've spent a lot of time on my rear. For example the only thing I did besides paperwork yesterday was to cook pudding. And then I ate the pudding, twice actually, and now that I have fewer points I can only eat one pudding a day and dammit weight watchers THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

We're preparing for our hike and the temp has come up from zero to ten so I'm feeling pretty good about it. Zero was not enough degrees but ten I can live with and since it's only 8:30 it can only get better. The bonus about it being so cold out is that it's beautifully clear and sunny which is good for the mood as long as you have enough clothes on. The woofs and I are preparing to start our day with a beautiful walk and a smoothie and back to the paperwork saltmines. They tell me they have a nap scheduled because they always have a nap scheduled and if I'd known they spent so much time sleeping while I was at work I wouldn't have been harboring all of this guilt about leaving them.

"If anyone gets nosy, you know, just... shoot 'em."

Lately I've been really worried about my impending financial ruin and it turns out that I don't have any money because I haven't made very much money this year. I'm working on my taxes and somehow the fact that I am financially insolvent had escaped my notice until just now. I actually feel better now that I see the actual numbers and have proof that I've been earning below the poverty line because before I thought I was just spending like a skinny blonde starlet (which I know I don't because whenever I look at my budget the only thing I have to cut is chocolate and that's not going to happen. I thought my records would show more positive things as in more money being made but if I had made more and had this little to show for it I'd probably be more upset and need more chocolate which we simply can't afford.

Enough of the overuse of italics, back to the exercising. Today I hiked with my snow shoeing poles which I did purely for the extra arm exercise and it worked out very well. My muscles feel nice and worked but not dead or dying so I think I'm going to keep it up. I don't need them as much as when I'm snow shoeing but it is helpful going up and down slippery hills so it's not just vanity that'll keep me using them all the time. My weight is hovering just under where it was last friday so if I'm extra careful today I might show a loss for tomorrow. As per above I'm very motivated to keep the losses coming because Weight Watchers ain't free and I can gain weight for nothing so uhm yeah gotta keep the losses coming.

I'm also thinking about how much it costs me to eat weight watchers style and where I can cut. First to go will be organics and fresh produce...which saddens me greatly. Unless I can sell lots and lots of things on ebay we'll definitely be changing how we eat around here. I've been getting a little slack with my grocery budget and that has to stop now. It's not all doom and gloom, I've found some wonderful bean recipes that are cheap and full of fiber and low in fat. Since I'm not working I have plenty of time to cook and budget and be really in tune to my meal plans and costs and be really anal about it. This is about to be the most exciting blog ever!

"I don't have the energy to drag your lifeless body to the dumpster"

Jolie is currently fascinated by the computer screen. She's trying to get the letters as I type. This puppy is completely hilarious. Earlier I had a youtube video of puppies playing and she and knox both had their heads right to the speakers trying to figure out where the puppies were. I wish I had a video camera because I never want to forget the looks on their faces as they poked around the shelf...not here...what about over here...nope...hmmm. It is 4 degrees out and I'm procrastinating. I'm a big whiner and I'm tired of this single digit nonsense weather. I know it's maine and it's winter and I'm a fool to complain, I guess I am getting soft in my old age. My face is a mess from the extra cream, at least I think that's what it is. I'm torn because pimples are better than other kinds of skin damage but I also wonder if the extra cold just keeps pores locked up like maximum security. If I had the cash for a facial I'd go because I don't want to look like a pimply kid on the imaginary job interviews I have lined up. It's ironic that the time you really need to put money into your appearance to land a new job you can't because if you had the extra money you wouldn't need the job in the first place.

My weight is bouncing around a little higher than my last weigh in. I was all concerned about muscle water when hello it was all hormone related. I cease to amaze myself when it comes to not knowing my body at all. It's coming down slowly but I've had kind of a sloppy week of eating. I haven't actually gone over my points but I know exactly how many points are in a single pack of chips ahoy and I don't even like chips ahoy so that's where I am this week. I've been hitting the smoothies hard, which I'm really getting into even though it's freezing outside. I need one of those mulled smoothie recipes, microwave smoothies, hot toddy smoothies maybe. I'm making due with the cold ones till the hot ones catch up and I'm learning to wash the blender right that damn second because when I'm lazy about it the cleaning time expands exponentially. It only took me three weeks to learn that so I'm officially almost as smart as my dogs.

Ooh, it's five degrees now. Snowshoeing usually makes me very warm, except for my face, so I don't know why I'm being such a grouch about it today. I've only been going every other day instead of every day to give the muscles a little different exercise during the week. You'd think hiking and snowshoeing would use the same muscles but they amazingly don't, not all of them anyway. The arm muscles in particular don't get much exercise hiking unless you bring out the poles which is an option really, but it's important to rest. I started out feeling like I had to snowshoe every single day to get the most money out of the shoes I bought and the most exercise out of the winter like I wouldn't have opportunities to exercise in the summer. The way my mind works sometimes amazes me, I should really be on a compound in nebraska with a stockpile of rifles...I really missed my calling.

"I've already been injured once this month!"

It's 20 degrees now at 9 o'clock and I'm really excited about that because yesterday's high was 18 and that lasted only about ten seconds while we were snowshoeing up the mountain. Seriously, we went up the whole mountain on snowshoes and my rear was so cold when we got home it took over an hour to thaw out. So all of my parts are looking forward to a warmer show shoe trek today but especially my ass.

Yesterday at the market I bought more bananas because smoothies are a way of life now and I bought frozen strawberries also for those smoothies because raspberry seeds cause unpleasantness when added to a smoothie and brummel and brown yogurt spread because I'm finally trying to work butter out of my diet. I super hate the idea of eating processed fake things instead of a little less of the real things but butter just has so many points and it's not like I need it for survival. The yogurt spread will let me make a grilled cheese a little more point friendly and toast and since I don't eat those things all the time it seems like a small concession and also it's yogurt so where's the hate? Embracing change is my new motto as of three seconds ago.

Embracing the change is going to be really challenging actually because I'm instituting a spending freeze (which really should have always been there I've just been sloppy lately) and also looking extra hard for a part time job. I've needed a part time job for awhile but it's been on the backburner because even though I have no idea where my time goes go it does and it feels like I don't have time for a part time job but my checkbook says differently so here I go looking. My unemployment last time around was sad and pathetic and it took forever to get things moving in the direction I wanted to go in which was anywhere really so I'm a little apprehensive about the process this time around. Read a lot apprehensive, the apprehensivity is key to this communication. Vital. Embracing the change is feeling a little bit like gritting my teeth at the change but I'm working on it. Without butter. Change is hard.