10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, June 28, 2010

"Mom, can I call you back? I have to dispose of the body."

Today I had an interview for a job that I already had and don't really want to have again but having it will allow me to buy cute shoes...and food...and dog toys so it's a step in the right direction.  I have to put my head in the right place about it and negotiate the shit out of the head office.  But also I'm kind of a little freaked out because of something unrelated that might be related and maybe is a sign of impending doom.

Yesterday I went to buy groceries.  My usual market is by a school and there is a four way stop.  One way has a stop sign and all four ways have stop lines and two foot letters that spell stop.  So, I was stopped at the sign and line and to my right there was a guy in a truck waiting to go.  He proceeded safely through the intersection and then the car behind it rode his ass all the way around the corner.  You know how sometimes you can't control the "what the fuck" hand gesture, it just comes out?  That happened because seriously, who doesn't at least pause and look before driving through a four way stop at a school?  So, to make this otherwise boring traffic story more interest, the driver turns around and parks next to me, gets out, and comes around to my window to tell me I had the stop sign, loudly.  The driver looked like a scary man, so I locked my doors and called Matt before I realized it was a butch lady driver and I probably could've taken her.  It seemed like a bad idea to get out, like what would it really solve, so I pulled out and got another space.  I was pleasantly surprised that my car was not exploded when I got out of the store.  So, what?  It's not even about the stopping and the endangering it's about the stalking and the creepy.  Sociopaths need groceries too I guess.

Anyway, I almost forgot about the weirdest part.  When I was having my interview today I saw her car (orange element) with a dog that looks suspiciously like hers hanging out the window in the parking lot of the new old job.  I didn't get a good look because I was actually interviewing at the time but yikes, that would be the worst coincidence in the history of ever.  They want me working the drive up station, what happens if she comes to make a deposit of her mental health disability checks and she sees me.  I'm going to have to hide in the vault and change my name to Sherry.

Friday, June 25, 2010

"You never really know a car until you drive it through a wall."

I had two job interviews yesterday and each of them have very strong possibilities of not ending in tears so it's been busy around here.  As I was getting ready Rebecca asked me if I have a "get psyched" song.  When she wants to get in the mood to take names and kick ass she listens to Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" which is an awesome ass kicking song.

I have a bunch of songs I listen to when I have to do something I don't necessarily enjoy, like washing dishes.  I have a lot of dish washing songs but they aren't really kicking ass songs it's more like scrubbing bubbles.  So I thought about it a bit and decided that "Movin' on Up" the theme song from The Jeffersons was the best choice.  I mean obviously, I want to move on up and have a piece of pie so is there a better choice?  Rebecca hadn't heard of it because only terribly old crone's know 70's television shows.  

Any other recommendations for songs that promote the kicking of ass?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

"Girls, girls, girls, don't fight; you're both pretty."

I just decided that I hate all of my clothes.  I have finally reached the point in my life where my goal is not to go permanently unnoticed but to wear things that are fun and pretty.  I guess everyone gets their at their own place.  The place where we are comfortable in our own skin and with our own decisions.  I can look back and see bits and pieces of my life where I was ok with my choices but mostly I worked at not being noticed, even by myself, which is insane beyond all reckoning.  I'm over it now that I'm old.  It's a shame that the wisdom has to come with the age and the grey hairs.

But the point of this post is not to be enlightening and body image positive, oh no, the point is completely vain and commercialistic because I really WANT to go SHOPPING and I can't.  I've been making an effort to pull things out of my closet that A.  I should be wearing and just forgot about and B. Things that I should not be wearing and give away or use for exercise/yard work.  I have a lot of things that just get pushed to the back while the work horses of my wardrobe get worn out, washed out, and stained out.

My workout clothes therefor are a big mix of things that are just not good enough to wear out of the house, mostly t-shirts and fleeces, and stretched work out pants.  I've been here before where all of my workout clothes are too big and completely uninspiring.  I hate this because it should not matter what you wear when you are sweating, unless the clothes physically prevent you from kicking ass.  I confess to my vanity here because old t-shirts do not make me feel like an athlete.  The running should make me feel like an athlete and the pilates should make me feel fit and strong, not the clothes.  I am weak or something because I feel awesome when I wear my fitbloggin' shirt on the pilates mat with my one pair of fitting yoga pants.

Do your clothes make you feel awesome?

Monday, June 21, 2010

"But I haven't spent any money, I was all dead...and frugal."

I called about a job today.  Monday morning just after nine, I'm like efficient today.  And I'm sweaty from running in the god awful for Maine heat of 77 degrees at 7 in the morning.  Seriously, it's like someone shook the weather eight ball and we're getting august in june.  The bugs are on club med vacation and the garden LOVES the sun (it's actually green, and growing this year) but me and my woofs are over it.  I guess we're all too furry for the heat.

Today I'm calling for more jobs, bringing out my pilates mat* and reading this blog because she's adorable, that post is on shame and is particularly awesome.  I stumbled on Already Pretty when I googled "high waisted skirt" and lo and behold dietgirl linked her too.  The world is small lately.  I opened the paper up to an add for a job that is essentially the last job I had.  It was like "hey, you know how you can't get a normal freaking job?  It's because you're supposed to be doing this!" so we'll see how that goes.

*I've been really into pilates lately for the most ridiculous reason ever.  I picked up my living room throw rug in order to wash it (Seriously, no, don't ever do this.  First we beat it, then I put it in the tub and it took literally HOURS to rinse all the dirt out of it.  That was two days ago and it's still drying.  Washing a rug in a tub is like a litmus test for moronity.) and the living room is all hardwood and inviting.  There is something about looking at the empty floor that makes me want to put my mat down.  I don't expect the rug to dry for another year so maybe I'll be a pilates instructor by then.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"If the devil had a name, it'd be CHUCK... FINLEY!"

No, no, you didn't click the wrong link.  I updated my site.  Five years later.  It's bright and cheery and it's the new me.  I'm working my ass off trying to be cheerful in a "the beatings will continue until morale improves" kind of way.  Go me!  So, what do you think?  Too much.  The black was so slimming...but...I'm digging the china pattern-esq side design.  I'd love some dishes like that, I'll have to keep my eyes open, but anyway blog!  I'm trying something new.  It's going to take me a while to get used to it but it was time for a change and I hope you all approve.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

"It's not cold, Chuck Norris just scared the sun away"

Things suck lately and I don't want to talk about it.  So there.  I am in one of those moods where I want to do a whole lot of things at once and get a lot done so I can feel less like a ridiculous failure and yet mostly my house is just messier now than it was before.  I made a pie today, which is better than eating a pie, which I'll probably do tomorrow.  I have all of these things that might be useful one day but frankly that day won't come until I throw the damn things away so that's what I'm doing.  I feel like I do this all the time, go through my house on a rampage with a trash can, but yet there is still so much junk.  Why is that, it's mystic evil energy like what happens to paired socks in the dryer.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

"I'm just a slut, where's my parade?"

The number one thing I miss about being a lesbian is the fact that when you are a woman dating a woman, no one asks you when you are getting married.  Also, the parades.  And rainbows.  Seriously, I can recall exactly no one approaching me or any of my gay friends and asking when you're gonna "wink wink" "nudge nudge" get hitched and I didn't appreciate how much better the queers have it until just now.  We just got home from a family wedding and I swear I answered that question ten times at least, Matt twice as much because it was his family.

And when they do ask you and you say "no, sorry, we're not planning to do that" they say why not, you should.  Dude, I don't even know your name and you have insight into the path of my life.  Really?  You really think you can ask me that, repeatedly, and I won't punch you in the face?  Really?  It gets old fast.  And then the bride told me I was single and I had to get up to catch the bouquet, twice.  And perhaps I'm just an asshole, that's a possibility I'm open to because I'm really pissy right now, but no I'm not single.  You don't live with someone for five years and call yourself single because you're fucking not.  OK?

Every single one of the people who harassed us tonight know we don't want to get married because we have this conversation every time we see them.  We have another get together tomorrow and my hand to god if anyone asks when we're getting married I'm asking them about their hemorrhoids.  And this is where I have to give my family credit because the only person who has ever asked me that question is my 90 year old meme.  If meme can remember that we don't want to get married, so can those douchebags at tonight's wedding.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

"You wanna be a badass, you gotta eat healthy!".

Dudes, we killed a chicken and I'm really upset about it.  I mean, not like in a slaughtering and butchering kind of way but in a holy shit we don't know what we're doing kind of way.  One of the hens had been broody for a while.  Broody means she sits around in her nest waiting for baby chickens to hatch.  Only we take away all the eggs and we don't actually have a rooster so there isn't any possibility of baby chickens unless Jesus is coming back to earth with feathers.    So yeah, we knew she was broody and has been for weeks.  Like 8 weeks.  What we didn't know is that broody hens who don't get chickies after 21 days start to go insane and brood even harder and then it kills them.  They actually starve and dehydrate themselves to death waiting for chicks that will never come.  

Of course this only happens when the hen is being raised by morons.  Morons who wonder aloud about that broody, broody hen but never think about googling "broody hen".  If you google "broody hen" it will tell you to "break up" the hen, or discourage her from sitting on an empty nest till she kills herself or you can give her chicks at about 21 days in.  We didn't do either of these things, what's the refrain...oh yes, because we're morons and we didn't know any better.

This is a lesson we learned the hard way, unfortunately.  That hen was my third corpse of the week and it's starting to remind me of Clue the movie where after the third or fourth candlestick in the library incident everyone starts to get blase about the bodies.  Another body, oh gee, how inconvenient!  We're actually not sure what to do with them there are so many.  How screwed up is that, we're running out of room to hide the bodies!  It's not a good problem to have.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

"Tanning is an art and a science, Mike."

I am seriously tired of dead things.  SERIOUSLY.  I had no idea the number of corpses I would have to deal with as a dog owner.  I was trying to remember exactly how many dead things I have had to touch since I got Knox and I can't remember all of them, I should keep a tally on my wall.  In blood.  It turns out the roadkill fox is the stinkiest dead thing to date, so that's special.  I have incense burning all over the house but the dogs still need washing.  If only I had a hose.

The naughtiness of my dogs is having an adverse effect on my exercising.  I spend more time worrying and shouting than walking or running.  I spend the same amount of time outside, only my increased heart rate is due to irritation and fear instead of exercising.  I should check sparkpeople cardio for panic, should net me a few calories burned.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

"You know you missed your father's funeral... by eight years."

I'm having a blood pressure problem today. What with the QUILLS in my dog's NOSE driving us both crazy. The smart dog too. The dog that learned his lesson about porcupines last year. That one has tiny pins and needles sticking out of his damn nose and he's not too pleased about me removing them. I have broken all the dog owning rules and have resorted to drugging him with half a pain pill from his nut surgery last year. I'm at the end of my tether with these damn porcupines. It is entirely possible that the bastard left them in something else and no porcupine was actually involved but if we were talking about squirrels we wouldn't need pliers and nut drugs and vodka in my coke.

I'm so done with the outdoors right now I can't even tell you.

Monday, June 07, 2010

"I like the support. My arches happen to be extremely archy."

My babies killed an itty bitty birdie this morning and it's seriously ruining my day. Sad, sad start to a monday. This is one of those weeks where I actually have a thousand things to do and so far that is going badly. I made two dozen cupcakes as a test run for the wedding desserts I'm making and whoops! I forgot the sugar. The most disgusting cupcakes ever on earth, chocolate with no sugar. After the wedding is over I'm going to turn it into chocolate bread pudding and push it off on Matt's family but honestly I'm still haunted by the salted, buttered, cocoa evil that is chocolate cupcakes with no sugar in them. I'm not looking forward to the rest of the baking I have to do after that but hopefully it'll go ok. I definitely won't forget sugar again, I don't know about the flour or whatever but I'll for sure remember the sugar.

Thursday, June 03, 2010



I'm a little worried Matt will think he's in the wrong house when he comes home. it will require a little bit of straightening in the morning but Im sure it'll be worth it.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

"I'm a bulimic who can't stand vomit"

Besides the fact that I electrocuted myself, my puppy ran into the road (she's safe), and my hairdresser went missing...today was an ok day. It's improved vastly since I found a recipe for butterscotch krimpets. As if I didn't have enough to bake lately. Now that the puppy is safe and chained to my leg, the missing hairdresser is the most pressing issue in my life. I haven't gotten a haircut for 1000 years and it's a tragedy that my hairstylist is missing in my time of need. Finding a hairstylist is like finding jeans only you look like an ass for months or you have to buy a hat.

I'm not sure how much will need to come off when I find a new stylist, I might end up bald. These are some of the hairstyles I'm considering. Since I'm not sure how short it will have to be I'm going in with options. I'm also committing myself to a certain amount of straightening every day but since I have nothing but time on my hands...I'm not too worried about it.

Apparently Katie Holmes has the most photographed hair ever because she pops up everywhere. Any favorites?