10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Friday, April 22, 2011

"I wear very expensive shoes made from very soft animals."

Matt just discovered petfinder for himself.  We adopted Jolie from petfinder but I'm the one who oooh'd and aaaah'd for days at all the cute puppies.  He was looking for the pictures of some dogs his co-worker is adopting from the south (Yay for him, that's awesome!) and he discovered they have sheep and cows and all kinds of animals on there.  He had the best time and he really wants to adopt a cow from california who just retired from being a teaching animal at a vet school.  I'm not sure the california cow adoption thing is going to work out but I'm happy that he discovered how much fun petfinder can be.

I don't know what's going on with the shower except my anxiety level is ridiculously high and now we have easter.  Can I tell you I completely forgot about easter?  Because I did.  My mother was a nun but seriously easter means nothing to me beyond giving children candy.  Matt might be working, which he's never done on a holiday in the history of ever, but it's actually true and I don't think MIL believed me.  I mean, it's not even her house she's inviting us to.  You can't really invite people to someone else's house. That's not really how it works.  If the sil wanted us there she'd invite us and not half an hour before so i guess they don't want us there.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"Can't fight the seether"

And so begins another post in which I try to regain my humanity.  It turns out that I am a jerk.  I hate realizing that, I really do.  I got an invitation to a party and I'm pissed about it.  That makes me a jerk.  A party thrown for a person by a person who loves her and who invited me and still the whole thing makes me want to break things and stomp my feet and I don't know what but I don't want to go.  I really don't want to go.  I survived the wedding and the you should get married you're missing out but I just don't think I can survive the baby shower.  And Matt won't be there to deflect the ignorant advice and share in all the getting judged by strangers.  

I wasn't expecting a baby shower for the THIRD baby so I wasn't prepared for this, although that seems very foolish on my part.  I really don't want to hurt my mil's feelings so I think the best I can do right now is say that I can't wait to go and then develop a terrible cold that I don't want the mother to be to catch.  I am not a good enough person to sit through an afternoon of baby shower games and hearing how selfish I am for not having children.  I am deeply flawed and weak and so mean spirited that I can't either be genuinely happy for the family or fake it reasonably well.  

I wish I could be that person who can fake it and I'm not sure what that means, is that something I should aspire to?  Can you change yourself and be a person who sees sunshine and daisies all the time because that would be awesome.  I mean, generally speaking that's the kind of person I hate but then maybe it's because I'm ridiculously jealous of the daisy people.  I wish I could spend money I don't have and raise children without encouraging them to learn to read and have yet more babies I can't afford and not worry about any of it but I can't.  

I can't not worry about any of that stuff and I believe that I will never be able to not worry about it.  I've been doing a lot better since going to the spa, my friend saved my life with that trip because before that weekend everything made me mad and eventually even your sweet boyfriend starts to hate you when you yell all the time.  I haven't been mad enough to lose sleep between then and receiving this invitation and I don't want to let things get that bad again.  

I am hoping blogging will help and I apologize in advance for being so angry about a baby shower because I know that it is not ok to have anger about a baby shower.  Everyone is happy about the baby and buying gifts for the baby and doing everything possible for the baby and the mother and there is no earthly reason that that should make me angry.  It is not ok for me to feel that way and I know it and I have no idea of how to resolve it.  My wonderful savior of a friend who has her own painful baby shower issues said I don't have to go and I'm certain that everyone will have a better time without me or at the very least not notice my absence except for my mil who wants us all to be happy and get along and be the brady bunch in real life.  I really want to know why I can't find it within myself to do that for her, even for a few hours.  

I thought for a while that keeping boundaries on what I was able to give would be the best thing to help me feel better but it's not helping and I'm not better.  I'm not sure what to do now.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

you take the one year off blogging and you miss everything

I've been out of things for a long, long time.  I meant to write this long thing about the spa and officer handsome at the border patrol but I don't know I guess I just don't make time for blogging anymore.  It's a shame because he was very handsome and charming and the spa was wonderful including the food.  It was really great not to do anything and to have the only time you have to worry about the time is meal time.  I didn't realize how wonderful it would be to not have to cook or worry about what anyone else needed.  It was very quiet with no tv's and no telephones.  Right now the dryer is drying and the washer is washing and I'm watching the fourth season of madmen and there are a bunch of men downstairs fixing a transmission and it's the opposite of quiet and peaceful.

Since then we had a hectic week and another weekend away and a very long car trip to Vermont.  I have laundry to fold and bread to bake but I'm sitting here blogging because it's been a very long time and I think a lot of the reason I am so stressed out all the time is because I lost my outlet when I stopped blogging.  I really need to write down words and let them go and it doesn't work so well on paper.  I don't know why, maybe because they aren't actually gone.  They're still in my notebook hanging around.    

It turns out that change is really hard and I'm trying to do things that make me feel better and that should be easy but it's inexplicably difficult.  The short story is that I'm trying and I'll be blogging more and it will probably be navel gazing drivel but c'est la vie.  I honestly don't care and I'm willing to try anything in order to get more perspective on things and release my jaw from the uptight position.