shanana's the best group

the chicken lady thinks i'm crazy.  i had to call her today and my co-workers heard a ridiculous one sided conversation about cocks and pullets and pullets and cocks and it turns out when you say those words over and over while getting more confused it just makes your co-workers giggle more.  the long and the short of it is I filled out my chicken order form in a hurry and i'm not sure when kind of chickens i'm getting.  i was pretty sure and then i looked at my receipt and now i'm worried.  like it matters.  they all lay eggs.  there are worse things than ordering the wrong breed of chicken.  and by the way, they do not sell cocks.  just sayin.

dude, fat.

so last week sucked.  january, sick dogs, crappy work stuff, hormones and it all added up to about 5 pounds.  I did a lot of things I never ever do, buying candy at the grocery store, eating almost a whole pizza myself over just two days.  I very often lose five pounds and give myself no credit because it's only five pounds but this extra five pounds makes me feel exactly like i have 5 pounds of butter strapped to myself.  I started dealing with it yesterday and i'm a pound down today.  i'm sure it was salt and or water related to shift that fast but i'm definitely glad.  only 4 or say 24 more to go.  depending on how you feel about preparing for your wedding photos in two months.  This would be a good time to start some kind of two month cleanse/or something but my emotional reserves are like shot.  things at work that have always bothered me are still happening and completely shattering me.  The dog being sick always completely shatters me, but he's getting better.  It's not a real wedding, the stressful kind that involves huge white dresses and sobbing mothers, but it's still wearing on me to have to make so many decisions about that day and the party in summer.  I had planned a massage/facial session to get my brain together but with the vet visits that's completely out of the budget.  le sigh.  but I have promised myself to do pilates every day so that's hopeful.  if i keep it up.

wedding dress and shoes!

"we've got to get her a man before she fills this house with crucifixes and pussycats"

if i don't choose a date for my wedding reception rebecca is going to reach through the computer and kill me.  the thing is, choosing a date is hard.  really hard.  i'm not sure how much i can commit to having my whole family around for my wedding.  I had assumed that matt's family would be the problem but now it seems that my anxiety about my own family is the problem and i guess that's why we're planning an elopement in the first place.

the latest idea is to video tape the actual wedding and show it as a movie at a very cool old movie theater.  it's not expensive, it's a super fun idea (i think) it would hold all of our guests and we might be able to have alcohol for those who want it.  the problem is that securing a date and inviting people makes me feel itchy.  even if we end up just having friends up and watching a movie of our choosing with popcorn, it wouldn't be a total waste of an experience.  gosh, i might need chocolate and valium to get through this planning.

"no one wins, one side just loses more slowly"

I've been doing a lot of new age style self help work lately.  that sounds crazy and it probably is but I've been feeling like I just spend too much time angry and I'm getting older and I just don't want to go on like that.  I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my family and how i grew up and why i hold on to things i should be able to let go of.  I haven't gotten it all figured out yet, but I think it's important to look for answers before I'm turning 51 and I still have so many feelings that don't take me forward.

The bulk of my triggers come from family and real or perceived slights.  Most of this is matt's family because i keep a lot of distance from my family.  I can't keep much distance from matt's family so I have to find a way to deal with it in a more positive way.  I've been thinking and talking to my sister about our childhood and it's helping me understand more about myself than i've ever really tried before.  I've always been hard to get to know, I keep up a lot of walls.  A lot of that is protecting myself from my family.

My parents weren't horribly abusive but they weren't very good either.  I can't remember a time when I didn't make my own lunch for school or do my own laundry.  Before first grade I had to use chairs to reach the buttons.  Matt told me his mom taught him how to do laundry when he went to college.  that is what a normal family does.  A normal, attentive mother.  A normal mother doesn't leave her kids sitting outside of school until it's dark and not notice when their six year old isn't at the dinner table.

My sister says she couldn't ever forget her kids.  I don't know how anyone could.  it's not like she did drugs, she just wasn't that interested in caring for us.  and neither was my dad.  They had kids because that's what you were supposed to do.  we had food and clothes, they paid for my college at least what the scholarship didn't cover, but no attention.  not ever.

So I guess my parents raised me to be very independent with their negligence.  independent and hesitant to trust because who can you rely on if you can't count on your parents.  I'm trying to understand this and realize that it's not always going to be like that.  I can trust matt.  Always.  that's the thing i'm basing all my personal growth on.  I can trust him which means I can work on other things and try to let some other people in and stop feeling like i have to bear every burden on my own.  I'm working on it.

"Well, what if the baby killed a man?"

My mother in law gave me cat earrings for my birthday.  again.  I think this is evidence that she does in fact hate me but matt says he asked her and she said no.  ha.  This is why he says we should ignore as we are ignored and I do try not to care.  I do.  I have better days and worse days and there are some days I wish I could be vapid and focused on reproduction and big family weddings but I just can't, it's just not me.  I'm trying to be a better person and let it go.

Actually I want to be such a good person that it doesn't even bother me but I'm not sure I can afford the therapy to be that good.  I'll settle for not seething because someone gave me a present.  That'll all change when we get married and she's not there, I'm sure I won't see anything as friendly as cat earrings again.  I might have to start a completely new blog for that, something with barbed wire.

As this is supposed to be a weightloss blog, I will share that I am losing very slowly by eating more calories.  It's very difficult psychologically to eat more calories to lose weight but i'm tracking and really trying to eat well to fuel our daily exercise.  I need to get back in to my pilates every day thing.  I've been stretching every day to keep my shoulder loose but I would definitely benefit from the core exercise.  I have a dress that fits at my current size but I wouldn't mind terribly if I was so thin I had to buy a new one.  I'd get over it.

"Going to the doctor is your answer for everything"

I chose this title because one of my co-workers said it, the one who was out sick all week with, well, everything.  So I had to work extra hours all week but the kind where you're on tenterhooks while you wait   to see if your co-worker has actually gone to the doctor.  It's been a long weird week with not very much exercise and lots of bad food because today is my birthday.  I have a very beautiful white box in my fridge and inside it is a cake.  I'm excited about slicing her up but patient enough to have not done it yet.  I have however started to open my presents and cards and YAY! birthdays are fun.  I have a very exciting baguette pan and a bento box to pack my lunch in, which means I'll have to start really packing my lunch.  I have a check from my dad I might use to get a facial or a massage or something else i haven't thought of yet.  it's a very exciting day.

I don't know yet what is in store for me for the rest of the day.  Matt is keeping his plans all quiet all though i definitely saw the sign he mentioned about how nothing says love like a gun.  I guess we'll see.