10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

i've been thinking alot more about the site than i've been writing for it. i haven't developed an exact plan yet. i have purchased a scale. that was a shocker. i haven't stood on a scale since my last physical in 1999. but i need to see the numbers and face the reality. 196 is not ok. it's 50 pounds more than the boyfriend. not that that matters really. he likes me at my weight, that's not the issue. the issue is me, and how i don't want to be upset because the size 16 jeans i just bought don't fit me. i can do better than that. i've been gaining steadily since graduating from college and it's all my own fault.
there are a lot of factors. working a (sedentary) job i didn't go to school for and not making enough money. losing my mother to cancer. living alone in a place where it's hard to make friends. it equals to stress, depression, not taking care of myself. i'm making changes all over my life. i'm interviewing for new jobs, i'm going to go back on my thyroid pills and i'm going to move toward a south beach-esque diet. i don't think i'll be able to give up sugar and carbs completely, but i can be eating better ones. and i can get off my ass.
i'm putting alot of hope into the thyroid pills. their magical powers. i was a consistent size 12 when i was in highschool and college, and when i took my pills regularly. i felt enormous. i'd give anything to have that size 12 body and flaunt it now. but i digress.
so i'm doing this journal because writing is supposed to help. if i can come clean to myself regularly than i am or am not making any progress on kicking two sizes, maybe i'll finally guilt myself into changing. and if i get this new job, hopefully it'll mean busting my ass across campus instead of sitting all day.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

i had everything set up and pink, and something has gone wrong. terribly wrong. alas. there's plenty of time to work on the pink. what's more important at the moment is to document why i'm starting a new blog. and that why is because i do not want to catalogue how i feel about weight and dieting and food at the other blog. it is currently suffering for content but i really think it's because what i want to talk about i don't want to talk about there. i have wonderful friends and readers who would no doubt be supportive about the fat thing and probably empathetic. but it's just not what i want.
i suppose i want the secret fat thing that's all the rage with weightloss blogs. it's documentably (did i make up that word?) ironic to try to hide such an outwardly obvious thing. but it's personal too. and private. maybe one day i'll cross link. maybe one day when i've lost 20 pounds and it'll be so much more intellectual rather than painful and depressing. one hopes...
working out the kinks, i forgot how much i hate this part.