*

10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Friday, June 30, 2006

185

it's a cake day today. to celebrate my boss' birthday. i bought it so i chose carrot. which seques nicely into salad week, don't you think? so, the week of ruffage is over because i totally forgot to get more lettuce last night. when i went to the grocery. two seperate times. yesterday was very frustrating, in so many ways. but today i have boots!

they arrived in the mail and they're oh so fabulous. maybe too fabulous. one pair (the return shipping is free so why not test drive a few?) is from dr schools and very comfy and surprisingly cute and one is very solid gold dancer. no idea where i'd wear the solid gold dancer boots, but i'm strangely attached to them. Mrrow!

weight is exactly the same as it's always been. atleast it's not more. yet. ha...

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

36c

the nation's breasts are getting bigger. like we didn't see that coming.

185

last night i had to buy some eggs. i get the super expensive organic free range kind because it makes me feel that much better about eating animal products.* at shaws i get nellie's (the man had a pet chicken, and it rode around on his bike. how can i not support them?) and at hannaford i get pete and gerry's because they're from new hampshire and they have chicken of the month with a photo and a profile: betsy likes all natural vegetarian grain and longs walks in her free range very roomy coop. it's eggs and entertainment.

last night i also meant to buy a chicken. the salad adventure is going very well. goat cheese and mandarins last night. with raspberry walnut dressing.** but i must be having a protein deficiency because i really wanted one of those store rotisserie chickens. you know, the fat injected ones. tasty. but i didn't buy one. not for any noble fat losing reason. i just couldn't put it in the same handbasket as the eggs. genuine thought process from last night: it would be morally wrong to make the eggs and the decapitated fire roasted chicken corpse hang out together. so i got the turkey breast.

i really need a hobby.

*i'm a hypocrit and i don't care
**woohoo! carrots!

Monday, June 26, 2006

ooops!

i forgot this morning. oh well. who cares when it doesn't change anyway. about that, welcome to salad week. chopped, nicoise, ceasar. this week is dedicated to lettuce. and baby spinach for that extra iron-y goodness. it's going to be riveting. i might even toast the walnuts. look out Bar Harbor!

in other news, i want to cut all my hair off. partly because i feel like a freak with a mushroom for a head and partly because of her. that is the adorable sarah jane potts in kinky boots. her hair is so adorable, as is the rest of her. i want to put her in my pocket. so cute.

there's not much else on at the moment. shopping for vegetables and vacuuming are my big plans. and compulsive boot shopping. you can't watch that movie and not want those red dom boots with the whip in the side. two and a half feet of tubular sex alright.

Friday, June 23, 2006

184

last night we spent a few hours in front the tv, playing with the cat and drinking. and me staring at my arms. maybe it was the drink making me sentimental, but damn are they fat. i really didn't need to look at them for hours in a mirror. it's depressing.

i had a nice long walk this morning before work. i was surrounded by skinny people running. skinny summer people. in yale crew shirts or head to toe patagonia. even more depressing. so the week of debauchery is almost over and the shoulder is actually starting to feel better. so, running tomorrow. i'm looking forward to it. no, really. i might actually be getting to the point where i am happy with my body and i want to keep up with the running out of enjoyment.

i know it doesn't sound that way when i started this lamenting the state of my arms, but i'm almost certain i mean it. i've been happily wearing all of my naked clothes and i didn't kill the boyfriend for squeezing my tummy in front of his family (my god, someone might notice i'm fat. AND THEY'D NEVER HAVE NOTICED OTHERWISE!). i really think that's progress. for me anyway.

back to meal planning next week. back to salads for lunch and lean protein for dinner. back to the relative discipline i had in january. hello to journaling. like on paper. it helps with the spending, surely it'll help with this too. hopefully.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

i'm one of those people now...

one of those people who stand in front of their car door furiously pushing the unlock button and swearing audibly instead of using the revolutionary technology of the key. god help me.

mix mix. stir stir. i married young it's all a blur.*

the poor dear tiny little women can't find clothes. i'm sure i should have more compassion for the common struggle but i just don't today. take it to a tailor like everyone else has to. i guess i'm just a little feisty today. we've been talking at work about the great lobster peta debate which would be a big deal here if anyone gave a shit about peta around here. apparently it's cruel and unusual to ship them. THEY'RE ROACHES for chrissakes. they're not protesting the haddock or the halibut, i just don't see the difference personally.

but anyway, chocolate and haircuts. i'm a chocolate snob i guess, i really only like expensive ass chocolate like ghirardelli or lindt. that's what i use for baking anyway. you've got to use good stuff to get good results. i don't know what to say about the hair. i'm so used to being disappointed that i don't really have ambitions for it anymore. i'm trying to be patient and try lots of things till i find something i like. "i can always cut it off" is my mantra. if i decide to keep it straight, i might well go for a more professional model, but this one's cool for now. the sizzling sound is a little disconcerting. ahem.

so, i don't usually pimp movies but...if you haven't seen undertaking betty you should rent it. it's delightful. and it has jerry springer in it. it's that good that it can have jerry springer and be delightful at the same time. we spent the evening watching movies and making whoopie pies (black moons, moon pies, et c.). i've never used so much crisco in one recipe in my life. needless to say they came out perfectly and they are now all given away. we had one and a half each, and the rest have gone to matt's dad and my co-workers. anywhere but in my house. word.


*sarah sang this while we were cooking and that's how i know going to college was a good decision. i got to meet her.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

no chocolate

i'm trying to talk myself out of eating the chocolate in my desk. it's not even good chocolate. i should really just throw it away. if i'm going to break ranks and eat chocolate at 10 am it's going to be some dove dark. so i'm distracting myself with blogging. i got my hair cut last night. i'm actually trying to grow it out but it's doing that thing where i have a mullet for a month before the next trim. i'm trying to be patient. i haven't had long hair in ages, and it's been the same cut since 2000 so i think it's time for a change.

my hair is the tiniest bit curly. curly enough that at chin length, like it is now, i have ringlets down the side of my face. a deranged shirley temple or a male hasidic jew, you choose. i bought a straightener last week at target (D, that's the thing i wanted to tell you about!) and i tried it out this morning. it's not exactly straight, but it's more of a veronica lake now. it'll have to do until i find the right mix of products, machines, and techniques. it's going to be a long summer.

i can't help thinking, harping on old issues, if i'm losing weight and growing my hair will my boyfriend think he's getting a raw deal?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

uhm...err...

i don't know the number because the scale was where sarah's bed is now. but the numbers weren't changing much so what's the big deal about missing a week. it's probably best to take a week off weighing if i'm taking a week off exercising and dieting. for sanity's sake. let's say it's not an intended hiatus, but it's ok.

i rather feel like writing this week off and starting at a new place come monday. a place where the fridge doesn't have TWO GALLONS OF ICE CREAM in it and i don't injure myself beyond the ability to move. so, hello tiramisu at evo...goodbye to daily weighing. back to the grindstone next week. when i'll be featuring serious menus that don't include fish chowder (tasty: yes, vitamins: no) or any amount of russian vodka. god willing.

Monday, June 19, 2006

i still don't know

it's possible i was a little caffeinated this morning. i'm coming to terms with my mortality or something. if my body is in this rough of shape at 25, i'm going to be in trouble later. unless i do something about it.

i guess i'm feeling out of control. because it's totally in my control to take care of my back and my neck, i just can't commit to maintain my health. i think about this all the time actually. if i had a diabetes diagnosis would it motivate me to change my habits. would infinite sickness be enough or would i give in and just shoot up insulin all day. i really wonder about it.

i was looking at my exercise from a strictly caloric point of view. i need to look at it from a whole health point of view. this is a great theory. we'll see if i can prove it to myself. it all reminds me that this is about more than just losing a dress size. it's good motivation. whether or not it makes a difference i don't know...we'll see. so far i can't be bothered to diet for my figure, maybe dieting for the spine will get better results.

haven't the slightest

i was out friday because i broke my shoulder/neck/back. broke as in it hurts alot but isn't actually broken. broke as in i have been a pilates slacker and now i can't move. friday was a big day. i took enough advil to ruin 1.3 kidneys forever and still i lay prone for the better part of 10 hours. it was a big day. we had a flood in the basement putting out the pilot light in the water heater. when the landlord finally got around to fixing it the power went out. HA! but otherwise it was a good weekend.

i have a houseguest, hiking partner, vegetarian cooking buddy and cat petter extraordinaire. the lovely sarah fresh from the tidal waters of salem, massachusetts is here for the week. to work on her master's thesis, drink russian vodka, and probably bake whoopie pies later in the week. i can't hide my enthusiasm.

i can't do much exercise either. what with the pain. but it's getting better. and i will start the back strengthening pilates as soon as i can move freely and i will do it atleast once a week for the back if not the calorie burning. i've been saying for weeks that i need to start again. the last time my shoulder twinged i said i'd start again. i am officially a liar. and i'm paying for my deceit. and i'm also beginning to think that these paragraphs have far too many sentences. especially ones that start with and. bad english writing, unreadable. it's almost haiku. i'm not taking drugs but i am feeling delirious so i'll wander off and see what all the more dedicated fat losers are upto.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

184

today i: did 1000 steps with hand weights
set the toaster oven on fire
ate 3 reese's peanuy butter cups

i'm not sure if that qualifies as a good day or not.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

184

i haven't made the return yet. scheduling conflicts. but also conflicts of the mind. i can't decide what to tell them. i'm getting the feeling, as i so often do, that it could lead to a scene that wouldn't be out of place in a bad sitcom. bumbling twenty-something tries to return skirt at national retail chain, tells monsterous bell clanging lie, dumbfounds clerk...hilarity ensues. i can't think of what kind of hilarity except that the counter girl will go home and mock me. THE HORROR! it wouldn't be my life if i wasn't driving myself crazy over something of no importance what so ever (one word, three words, hyphens? see how i can prove my point with built in examples!!!).

however, i did decide on no more clothes until the 14's fall off my ass. we'll call it the ying and the yang for the moment. ying: i bought a few things for the in-between period. yang: i'll save the rest of my pennies for smaller sizes. balance, thrift, short skirts, what's to complain about?

taking a leaf out of d's book i looked up the runs in the area. there's not much in the way of short runs, but i'm all set for marathons. maybe next year. the MDI marathon has lots of training runs that lead up to the marathon. the ones left are 13 miles and up but next year would be great to start small and head up to the 26 miles. i'll have to keep looking for 5k's! that would be the place to start i think. thanks D, you've inspired me!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

184

the good news is that the size 14 gap skirt fits way better than the size 16 gap skirt. the bad news is that the 16 cost $19.99 instore and the 14 $29.99 online. i could a) switch the 16 for the 14 and return it with the online receipt and hope they don't look too closely. b) tell them the problem with the amounts and hope they see the sense of giving me the $29.99 back. i have a habit of hatching elaborate returning schemes in my head and it's hardly ever necessary. the girl at the register almost never gives a shit about why you're returning something. i always feel like a need an excuse, it must be my catholic upbringing.

the best part is that i get to go to bangor tonight, and make my return and maybe even go to sam's club. for bulk butter. butter and hydraulic oil are the only things we ever buy at sam's. one day i want to get one of those giant wheels of cheese. think of the world of options for a nebuchadnezzar of cheese. one day cheese, one day.

Monday, June 12, 2006

so you wanna be a writer...

but you're too fucking lazy so you just start a blog. i'm a little bummed today because i just got word that the writing class i signed up for is cancelled. not enough people want to be the toni morrison of maine. it was the only cultural pursuit in my future and now it's dead. i even budgeted it. it's a line item under self preservation. because i'm going to go freaking insane if i don't find something meaningful to do with myself.

as compulsive baking is no longer an option i thought a writing class would be fun, and maybe i'd fall in love with it. i keep picturing angela lansbury in murder she wrote...she was a writer, she lived in maine...she was even fat! and no one cared! because she solved all those mysteries...and i wouldn't have to drive.* it's not that i think being a writer would necessarily be easy. angela toiled. steven king keeps losing his bats. there are prices to pay. none of which i will get to know because they cancelled my damn class.

so i welcome your suggestions. wait it out and start a new class in the fall? get the idiots guide to writing and teach thyself? or i could take up knitting. if y'all were me, what would you choose?




*it's now completely obvious how much daytime re-run tv i have watched in my life and that's why i don't need to have cable because i have seen and remember every detail from every show from 1985 to 2003. so help me.

185

we've survived a week of rain, to be rewarded with another week of rain. there was a special olympics run at the end of last week, and it was pouring. i don't have what it takes to run in the rain, so i've been stepping and riding my bike. i have a fabulous contraption that allows me to ride my bike in my living room. i rode for half of four weddings and a funeral and an entire episode of buffy the vampire slayer. i must report that riding the bike is a lot easier when you have muscles in your ass. it makes all the difference between a pleasant jaunt through sunnydale and excruciating broken tailbone pain.

i'm trying to focus on the good things today, like sprinting to the post office and back in the rain and not being out of breath, because last night we met a girl my age with two little babies and an ass half the size of mine. in the great sheme of things it matters naught that her ass is smaller than mine. the poor dear has to change diapers all day, she deserves to enjoy her small ass. it just makes me feel like a loser. for no good reason. it's not rational. it's exactly the same feeling i get when someone my age walks in and they have a house, or a fulfilling career.

it's the ever present idea that my life isn't good enough. it's completely ridiculous. i'm finally going to be out of debt, i've come to terms with my job, i'm loving running and cooking new food. what do i have to complain about? when i look at my projected savings and what i could purchase for a house...i'm not even sure i want to buy anything. i'm getting all of my nesting out on matt's house and enjoying the lessening of responsibilities. so why does it bother me that skinny people exist in the world. i feel like one of those people that protests the gay community just because they exist. i don't want to be like that. i don't want to be aggravated because someone who gave birth three months ago is that tiny. the girl is probably too busy to eat.

the bottom line is that it's no one else's fault that i don't like my body. there's no way around that blame. there's no one else that can change how i feel about myself. or how much i weigh, or exercise. how depressing. i hate being in charge. i don't even like picking the movie. but that's what this is all about right, taking charge of our lives (sounds like a lifetime movie tagline). goodluck to us all.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

184

have you ever been driving and jamming to the radio and then the song ends and it's john tesh? that happened to me last night. next stop, cat sweatshirt. i've been feeling all givvy uppy lately. like i'll just make peace with where i am. it's not so bad here. i can eat girlscout cookies and still fit in my pants. but john tesh was a revelation. i don't want to be one of those people that accepts mediocrity because it's easy. the least i can do is keep trying. it doesn't do any good to think about where i should be now, as opposed to where i really am. it's not time to quit just yet.

so i'm going back to basics. i don't remember why i gave up the meal planning. it was suffering before vacation because our plans kept changing. i wrote out a whole new plan for the end of this week and next week. it really helps to see what you're eating in a whole week (6 nights of pasta...hmm) and it's a hell of a shopping tool. my freezer is chock full of foods that are on the edge of edible. i'm trying to decide if one particular batch of chicken is too freezer burned to eat. i've already fed matt freezer burned steak and bread. i'm afraid if i take a chance on the chicken his weeping will be audible. i think it might be time to stop buying bulk sale items and freezing them 'til armageddon.

so i'm taking a leaf out of my friend's freezer books. neither holly or kirsten had a freezer full of grocery specials...and nor shall i. i shall buy what is on the meal plan, and only what is on the meal plan. what a concept? only buying food to eat that week. not freezing things till they're inedible. it's like the birth of philosophy around here with all these new thoughts. sigh...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

185

i'm sitting here staring at the screen, trying to think of something original to say about being a fat girl and all i've got right now is...i'm hungry. the irony, it's practically screaming. and running around naked. and in talks to host saturday night live.

oooh, someone's bitter today. it's been blah in the fat world lately. for me anyway. i'm in fat limbo. while i was visiting my best friend in philadelphia, i made her feel my muscles. she was very impressed. so impressed that she slapped my ass repeatedly to show me it doesn't jiggle. now that's a close relationship. it's got me thinking though, what the hell are my goals again? since i backtrack so much, my life is less a journey and more a game of hopscotch.

so i've been reading through melissa's archives. that's relevant because she didn't eat as a teenager and has struggled with her weight throughout her life. every time i read her words about this i want to hug her and tell her she's ok. i really don't believe that thinness is a make or break for success in life. this whole weightloss thing is so complicated for me. i'm at once trying to tell myself i'm ok and also telling myself to make better choices.

i know i've talked about this before, because it's a running stream in my head. i know exactly what i need to be doing to get the results i want and yet i'm hardly getting anywhere. is it some kind of self destruction that i can't resist or am i still grappling with the freedom i gave myself on vacation. the kicker is i've been buying myself clothes. i hadn't been doing that because i was holding out for smaller sizes. what does my subconcious know that it's not letting me in on? how are you folks doing?

185

i'm sitting here staring at the screen, trying to think of something original to say about being a fat girl and all i've got right now is...i'm hungry. the irony, it's practically screaming. and running around naked. and in talks to host saturday night live.

oooh, someone's bitter today. it's been blah in the fat world lately. for me anyway. i'm in fat limbo. while i was visiting my best friend in philadelphia, i made her feel my muscles. she was very impressed. so impressed that she slapped my ass repeatedly to show me it doesn't jiggle. now that's a close relationship. it's got me thinking though, what the hell are my goals again? since i backtrack so much, my life is less a journey and more a game of hopscotch.

so i've been reading through melissa's archives. that's relevant because she didn't eat as a teenager and has struggled with her weight throughout her life. every time i read her words about this i want to hug her and tell her she's ok. i really don't believe that thinness is a make or break for success in life. this whole weightloss thing is so complicated for me. i'm at once trying to tell myself i'm ok and also telling myself to make better choices.

i know i've talked about this before, because it's a running stream in my head. i know exactly what i need to be doing to get the results i want and yet i'm hardly getting anywhere. is it some kind of self destruction that i can't resist or am i still grappling with the freedom i gave myself on vacation. the kicker is i've been buying myself clothes. i hadn't been doing that because i was holding out for smaller sizes. what does my subconcious know that it's not letting me in on? how are you folks doing?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

strict parents lead to fat kids

this article makes a lot of sense really. they say that the children of strict disciplinarians eat more due to stress. they also say that children who are forced to exercise will grow to hate exercising. if it was any more obvious it would bite us in our fat asses. and yet we still make children suffer gym class as a sorry excuse for physical education and group showers at the age of 13. they'll just never get it.

i dabbled in babysitting when i was a kid. i was horrible at it because a) i'm a pushover and b) i was the youngest child and i knew nothing about babies. one family i babysat for springs to mind with this article. they weren't particularly strict disciplinarians except for food. they kept their pantry locked and the kids had a schedule of what and when they could eat. they were all overweight. what i never understood about it was the locked pantry. it was completely full of junk food. and that's what the kids ate all the time. junk food, no matter how strict the feeding, does not healthy children make. if you have the sense to know your kids don't need to eat that food all the time, so much so you lock the pantry, you'd think you'd have the sense not to buy so much in the first place.

i can't imagine the issues having a locked pantry as a child would give an adult. my mom never bought junk food, whether that was for health or thrift i don't know, but we never had it in the house. it was never an issue and i don't feel like now i have to fill my cupboards with chips and twinkies. but i bet those kids i babysat have genuine trouble with food and boundaries now. how do you get over that?

185

you know, it's only because of the list of 185 titles on my blogger home page that i realized that i weight exactly the same as when i left. i just don't know what to think about that. i ate like a farm animal getting ready for market and it's made no difference at all. am i that fat all the time and i just never noticed? in that vein i'm thinking of getting cooking light magazine (or something similar) maybe there are lots of tasty ways to cut calories i haven't tried yet. things i can do by habit that no one will notice.

i'm off to the gap tonight, it's ten percent tuesday and since i'm a cheap bitch i'm going to try to find the items i bought this weekend at ten percent cheaper. i'm also going to try some smaller sizes. if i succeed on both ends i'll justify the hour drive, if not well...whatever.

i really missed my routine while i was gone. it was fun to be lazy but i'm tremendously relieved to be home. sunday was a long, long drive and there was nothing more i wanted than to be home. i'm becoming a homebody hermit person. and i missed the internet. i spent most of monday reading up on blogs, it's a lot of people and lives to catch up with.

i'm not the least bit upset to be back at work. i'm looking at the calendar, it's a long stretch of time till the next vacation. frankly i'm not bothered. i'd hate to be one of those people who live from vacation to vacation because their everyday lives suck. i really like my every day life. i like cooking and taking care of my house, i even like working. holly and i went to a spa this weekend, where i got a facial (she said she only loosened most of the dirt and i should get another in 6 weeks...now that's dirty), but the room was full of women who go to spas like it's their job. thinking about it, i guess it is. trophy wives who have to work to keep their status and/or their husbands. how depressing. i think i'd rather get paid by the hour. atleast you know where you stand.

Monday, June 05, 2006

not as fat as i thought

my sister and i used to watch dr. katz on comedy central practically every minute of every day. i especially love the manatee episode when this manatee is on a trash talk show and it says "a layer of blubber keeps me warm in the water" and the audience shouts "you need to get yourself a job and an education". there's another one where the guy is on vacation and he's talking about how lame his postcards are "the buildings are tall. it's hot here. i like food.". that was exactly my vacation.

we went to frederick, maryland where my alma mater lives. we visited all of my friends, walked the length and breadth of the car show, and hiked up big round top at gettysburg. actually matt was the only one who made it all the way up because i am a quitter. it was hot, and there was tiredness and i wasn't even wearing wool or getting shot at. had i been a civil war soldier i would've bought it way before gettysburg. maybe i'd have had better hustle if i thought i was gonna die.

our visit to gettysburg afforded me the most blog worthy experience of our trip. frankly it was a toss up between that and having my pants stolen but i really think y'all will appreciate it. half way through our self-guided auto tour, we stopped for dinner in town. it was a mom and pop type place and the parking lot was pretty full...reasonable aspirations of the food were made. there was one of those huge glass pie cases and we knew what to expect...FAT. we had a very cute waitress who told us the daily special was "had-dock" and then she gave us the menus. this is the best part, i knew it was going to be bad but i had no idea. there was a special vegetable section...with not one actual vegetable on it. potatoes 4 ways, cottage cheese, applesauce and pickled eggs. for vegetarians you can get the veggie platter, with three of the listed vegetables on it, for the low low price of $9.95.

if i thought i could have gotten away with taking a picture i would have. it was truly fascinating. no one in the restaurant seemed upset that there were no greens to be had. somehow i totally forgot we were in central pennsylvania where the food is white, the people are blond and the bread is made out of potatoes. the pie was good though.

185

not bad for a week full of eating. so i'm back and i'm working on something to sum up our trip. let's just say baked brie, frozen custard, sweet tea. vacation rocks.