10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

"So how's everything looking down there?" "Like we should start gathering up two of every animal."

it's been raining a lot here. and making with the lightening and the thunder. chairman meow has been under the couch for three days straight so the lightening can't find her. which proved wise because matt got himself electrocuted twice. that happens when you insist on grilling in a thunder storm with a big ass metal fork. i can be flippant because he's fine. he's just a moron. he finished up his grilling with some pink plastic salad tongs and a three foot fog of swears and threats. this summer is going to rock! i can feel it.

so, to no one's surprise, i've been dragging my feet about some very important things. i've finally calculated the costs of almost everything i bake with. i'm learning all about teaspoons per ounce and yadda yadda price per cup. unsalted butter is officially the most expensive thing i bake with. followed by chocolate and vanilla, i'm fascinated. anyway, what i really need to think about is packaging and labeling. i've been worrying over recipes but for no real reason. if something bombs one week, i won't make it the next week. but i do need an inventory of what i'll probably be making to choose the right boxes, bags or whatever. i'm rather fond of the pink ones. but are they worth the extra 3 cents at this stage? if this all crashes down around me i can wallpaper my house in pink cardboard and go all charlotte perkins gilman. but in pink.

in reference to the business end of this blog, i.e. the fat burning: 169. i was a little disappointed and then i remembered that i ate almost an entire box of girlscout cookies this week. whoops! don't know how that happened. i've been a little distracted lately with my meal planning although i've kept up my two miles a day walking or running. this would be a good time to say i'm going to get all in sync and be a size 8 by next week, but that's just crazy talk. i'm doing the best i can at living a healthy balanced life. actually, i'm doing pretty awesome. even with the extra girlscout cookies. wow, making some decisions about those boxes has really made a difference in my outlook. maybe i should be decisive more often.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

"So it's an evil limo. I get that. Does that mean we don't re-stock the cherries?"

i'd love to chat, but i have a whole lot of nothing to say. i'm all busy with the thinking and the quasi-planning. i am, however, wearing noteworthy pants today. noteworthy because they fit, but only in the waist. apparently before i gained weight i was six inches taller than i am now. and so are my pants. i'm wearing the entire garment district. but i'm desperate. so i'm walking around looking like a demented village people sailor that sometime got drunk and lost his platforms. so remember when i said that one pair of pants would totally last me. and then that second pair, two pairs were totally enough. two pairs in theory is just fine but two pairs in reality is like no pants at all. i'm pantsless in a sea of theory and isn't that what college is for? so i'm going shopping. and then i'm gonna shut the hell up about it. i can't work both sides of the shop, don't shop coin forever. it's tiring, maintaining that level of hypocrisy.

Monday, June 25, 2007

"Get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed. It's just more elegant."

wow, i'm back already. i just have to do some math and we've struck a deal. a deal doing what? a deal doing market research. which sounds dull as dishwater but in reality it means she's going to treat me as a vendor to re-sell at her liability. i don't really understand it, but pretty much she's taking a risk on me with the hopes that down the line maybe we can joint venture into a kitchen of our own. maybe a store frontage. sometime wayyyy down the line. in the meantime i can work up some items, package them, and see if they sell. nothing to lose really. woohoo!

"But I haven't spent any money. I was all... dead and frugal."

you know it's going to be a good day when you start off with an offer from glamour shots for an airbrush makeover. there's just not enough glamour shots in my life and the cosmos knew it. very good sign. and now i'm ticking off the minutes until noon. not that it's so desperate. she either needs something for a specific event, or she has a place for me to bake. either way i'll have an ally for whatever i decide to do in the future. very exciting. and i'm having this feeling that i use that word much too frequently and i maybe need a thesaurus.

so, anyway, obviously...we're drowning in baked goods at my house. some that i made with absolutely no intention of taking to lunch, strictly out of some need to cream butter and sugar and stick it in an oven. i made cupcakes for matt's lunchbox because i'm just that stepford, i made caramel oat bars because we had both oats and heavy cream that just ached to made into something, and the chocolate cherry chip cookies to actually take to lunch. the baking coincided with cleaning out the cupboards. it seems i'm making genuine headway into the apocolypse hoard, as there was lots of empty space to clean and reassign. i get such pleasure out of being so anal, i sort of wish i was a little more ocd so my house would be cleaner. i got out my sharpie and dated everything unmarked, and then arranged my dry goods both alphabetically and by date. don't you wish you lived with me, i know you do.

despite drowning in sugar, 169 post hormones. not too shabby. it was mostly beautiful weather but i didn't make it out for a walk. which means i chose to sit on my ass and date cans of beans instead of exercising. things on the road were getting a little dicey, i keep almost getting run over by right to life mobiles and i'm just dying of irony. i didn't get out the door earlier enough to beat the worst of the traffic and matt wasn't around this weekend to cart me to the emergency room, so i chose to stay in. and honestly, when you let your house get as dirty as i do mine, it's work to clean it up again. cardio with the softscrub is nothing to laugh at, my arms are killing me today with the scrubbing with the stirring.

almost off to lunch and giddy with the nerves. thank god i don't drink coffee.

Friday, June 22, 2007

"Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons."

i've been contemplating posts all morning. one about peanut butter and almost coming to blows over whether or not it's on sale. one about doing the happy, but also depressing, math about this summer's debt end extravaganza. and then i got a phone call. there's a completely adorable, and very tiny, indian woman who sells her food aroudn town and at farmer's markets. she's been working on me to bake and sell at farmer's markets too, which would be awesome...except i don't have a certified kitchen and i don't have the very important insurance. she does have these things, and it seems as though she has a proposition. we have a little meeting set up for monday. i am excited. and nervous. and wondering what to bake for our lunch date.

i'm going to be a basketcase until monday lunch. lucky matt will be working all weekend, and i'll be home baking cookies until my hands fall off. which is ultimately what i want out of life so i should be excited right. and not nervous. and not worrying already because there might be nothing to worry about. i can't wait to hear what she has to say.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

"I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter."

yesterday i had the strongest desire to go shopping. and then eat a pizza. my knee was hurting last night, not the clicky one...the other one, and i thought "gee, isn't that strange". this morning i got up early to go for a walk, like every other day, but i stepped on the scale and it said 170 and then i had to take a nap. and it took me until RIGHT NOW to pull out my calendar and put it all together. i was really pissed about that 170 after yesterday's 168. now i'm not so upset, just sort of resigned to the fluctuation and hoping it'll pass in a few days.

i thought the shopping and the pizza were money worry related. the sort of spiralling out of control that happens when you realize you owe your sister a cars' worth of money and she'll be visiting in a month. heh. in this new light i'm pretty impressed with the way i'm dealing with the money and the owing. i knew this could happen and i knew i could get the money together if i really had to. and now i do really have to and it will be ok. mildly stressful, but in the end i'll really be done owing people money. completely done. i can't think of anything better than that. so many things are coming together right now, i hardly know what to make of it. i never thought i'd be so pleased to give someone such a large sum of money, but i truly am. it's wonderful to be so in control and moving forward. things would be perfect if i just had some chocolate.

"I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's depressing."

168. if i knew i'd lose a pound i'd have done the weightloss whining death match thing ages ago. i think less talk more do would be good for me.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"I'm very into Britney Spears' early work, before she sold out. So mostly her, um, finger painting and macaroni art."

anyone out there from des moines? if so, could you please explain to me what the deal is with angel dvd's and your town? i am having a very hard time believing that iowa was the nearest port o'call for season 4 disc 3. netflix is the devil. i have discs 4 and 5 and you know what, cordelia is evil, angelus is back, fred and gunn broke up and pretty much you need to watch this season in order. boston, portland, worcester, i'm thinking there are closer places to search for the vampire with a soul. not that i'm obsessed, or anything.

169 again. same as this day last month. two pounds less than this day in april. i'm running out of june if i want to do better than a holding pattern. and also, it has come to my attention that i am wasting my time here. i have fifteen more pounds to ditch before i hit normal. and then what. i've already decided i'm not going to purposely take it any farther than that. i want to keep it up with the running as much as i can, and walking and taking the incidental exercise where i can get it, but i'm ready to be done. if i develop a healthy running schedule and things work out and i lose a bit more, i'm not going to cry over it. if i don't and i can reasonable keep at normal, i'm not going to cry about that either.

i guess i'm not feeling that committed right now because things have changed enough for me to be happy with them. i'm committed just enough that i want this over and maybe that alone will get me though the next 15 pounds. i'm not sure aggrivation works as a motivator, but maybe light at the end of the tunnel will.

Monday, June 18, 2007

"I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure."

does anyone know what the deal is with wendy's and the baconator? i keep passing their signs. i sort of wish i could see the commercials, i'm envisioning robotic metal bacon with a vengeance! bacon on the edge. bacon in a clock tower with a high powered rifle. and you know what else i'm thinking, not enough people use the word "dollop" anymore. it was used in a recipe i made this weekend and i love it. i'm going to go out of my way to say "dollop" as much as possible from now on.

i had sort of a weird weekend, but great. i didn't do any actual exercise and i spent much of sunday eating the reese's ice cream that matt insisted he had to try but didn't actually like. but i did, so now i have to eat a half gallon. emphasis on the have, because i couldn't possibly just throw it away! the waste. the peanut buttery chocolate chunk fudge fudgety waste. i'd be a pariah. it does say light in very small letters, i wonder if that does anything for me.

obviously i've been floundering a bit since my last...err "space mission". i haven't gained over my 169, that's good. but not very progressy. which should probably bother me more, it just doesn't. but i am going to put a bit more effort into my meal planning. i do my absolute best when i pack a protein packed lunch and i haven't been lately. tonight i'm going to prepare a set of lunches for the week, all pre-packed. which i could have done, say, this weekend when i was sitting around reading. but i did set up tonights dinner to just pop in the oven so i'm still half an hour ahead. if only i weren't too lazy to pre-prep everything, i'd be drowning in time. enough of the rambling, i'm going back to very low carbs starting tomorrow (my pre-prep was baked ziti...whoops!) to see if i can shift down to 167 and maintain down there for awhile. that's the next goal, two pounds. itty bitty baby steps, the best way to go for minimum diet brain freakout. back to the low salt mines for me.

Friday, June 15, 2007

"You don't have to work out. You're eternal."

the week of "hey, you don't need those groceries!" is almost over. or since it's my week i say it is over, because i'm totally going to shaw's tonight to catch the sales. "but i have a coupon" will be engraved on my tombstone, if my family can find one on sale. this week went really well. i'm always so much more creative under pressure and, you know, unsalted butter makes a pretty good grilled cheese. this week has randomly been all about unsalted butter because i forgot to buy regular. it's ironic that that same morning i had told a friend to keep unsalted around for baking because it's higher quality and you wouldn't want to eat it (heh). you see she had called me with a flat cookie problem. she used brummel & brown yogurt spread which apparently is not interchangeable for butter, in baking. who knew? well, nothing ventured nothing gained i guess.

the matt is working all weekend and i hardly know what to do with myself. exercising, shopping, baking, is pretty much my holy trinity. i do want to practice some baby birthday cakes (i talked my sister into letting me make her next one, so i have 'til december to get it right) but i want to get out of the house too. a wild and crazy thought, i could go beyond the mall this weekend. i might even fake being my age and wander around downtown. maybe go to a "coffee shop". do the cool cats still hang out there or am i ten years too late? anyway i'm going to make a concerted effort to break out of my pattern and have a great day. maybe envision where a little bakery could set up shop.

i'm trying super hard to fixate on the positive because this week has been a little slipshod optimism wise. it's not that i thought being a runner would fix all of my problems and turn me into some waif on the spot. i thought that sticking with something would be good for me and i was really happy that first week i ran every morning. it made me feel accomplished in a way that not eating something ever could. i'm not giving up on running, but i am forcing myself to contain my zeal. every day i don't have some crazy huge loss i think "well atleast i'm not fatter". i have this very strong belief that i really won't go back up, that that part of my life is over. but if i screw up my knee permanently it gets a little shaky. so that's what i'm really afraid of, that i'll break my knee and end up fat and trapped in my house trailer with 17 cats and eating frosting out of a tub and they'll need a big can opener to get me out. not that i've thought about it or anything. and that's why i've been whining about my knee so much, the underlying fear that i will screw up and end up worse off than i started. this weightloss thing is a complicated business, isn't it?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

"Okay, so how do you know if one's aura's dirty? Somebody come by with a finger and write "wash me" on it?"

today's grouch-a-rama post is brought to you by "that kid from last summer who said i was stealing his money" and the letter t, for traffic, tourists and tsch! (the noise i make when driving behind tourists in traffic). mr. "where's all my money" is back again this year and i promise all of you dear folks i was totally not mean the first time he came in. i forgave, of not forgot, and this was going to be a new year. and then yesterday he gave me "the hand". you know what i mean, 1994 talk to the hand all that and a bag of chips. maybe in jamaica you can do that to your bank teller and she won't come across the counter and smack you, but not here. all i can think about is how i'm not going to cash his checks anymore and how sad he will be. and belligerent. i can't wait for that, i really can't. most of our foreign customers are very eager to learn the rules and we are eager to help them because it's just easier to conduct business in that friendly way. but dude, the bank does not have to do anything for you. no shoes, no shirt, no civility, no service.

i won't whine about the tourists and the driving because no one wants to hear me say "take your foot off the brake and shove it up your ass" anymore than necessary, me included. today has just been icky for no one reason. it's an icky grouchy day and i'm so glad it's almost time to go home and watch angel and drink the world's most pathetic cocktail (not the drink at large, just my preparation). i am stopping by to say i'm finally back to 169. i haven't been trying the last week, but i have been exercising so something is working...if only a little. oh, and thanks for all the info on the shuffle. i've got some ducks to line up first but it looks like with all of your help i might be able to figure it out. kicking and screaming into the 21st century, am i.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dear Internets:

please help, i am a moron. does anyone have an ipod shuffle? does anyone have an ipod shuffle and no other ipod-i-ness? i'm trying to figure out the deal with the i-tunes software. the software is not listed in the contents of the box and i do not have of the internet at home to download it. should i stick with my walkman or can i buy this thing-y and have it work out of the box? think of me as kathy in wuthering heights...help me.

"and what are we going to need for operation 'chance in hell'?"

so the office bogarted that buffy quote? interesting. i suppose that's appopriate for a re-make show. ouch, who knew that would make me so bitter. i have to work on my emotional involvement with television i guess. in real life i've never seen that show, although i do sort of like scranton. a fierce pride they have, scrantonites. just don't speed there 'cuz whoa, police everywhere. check how easily distracted i am. i was going to say a little something about running. i was gonna start "a girl and her knee strap".

the strap thing helped a lot while i was running, that could involve (which is way more fun when you mis-spell it as invovle, hehe, but isn't the right wording at all so pretend i said "that could be the result of" instead 'kay?) the route change. i used to pound up a hill (read mountain) and then pound down a hill (still a mountain) to my driveway (also, mountain). i really liked that route but it's just not that great for a novice runner to be running downhill that hard on a regular basis. so now i go down a hill (less mountainy) and come up a hill (gradual incline) to my driveway (mountain). it's a little more depressing but much less impact. this is me beig a grown-up and accepting my limitations. sigh.

hey, you know what else is depressing? i have a pimple that could squash new york. and i can't pop it because it's really a pimple budget value pack and if i pop the one the other two will, well, you know. it'll be gross. it's making me want to be all veronica lake with my hair. or possibly a veil. or a lot of cleavage. breasts can be very distracting.

hey, you know what isn't depressing. besides cake and puppies and chocolate fondue? i read this neat-o blip in my employee health newsletter that said "expressive writing" can boost mental and physical health. so we're all apple-a-day healthy girls and boys. pats on the back all around!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"You know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback."

you know how i said i was clicking in the knee of the running? i talked to a professional last night. my bestest friend who went to school for athletic training and then instead became a nurse, doubly appropriate for this particular problem. anyway, when i first explained the pain she made a sound. the kind of sound that is reminiscent of the dentist saying "uh oh" when they're drilling. the "oh my god my best friend is going to be paralyzed" sound. so i made her explain in great detail the clicking possibilities. 1 or a, there is a badness with the meniscus which could be a very serious badness. 2 or b, the muscle that lives over the knee bones is getting stuck as it glides back and forth with the moving. urgh. she said it's probably "urgh" and recommended a band. in her professional days they'd make one out of tape wrapped 'round the knee but she said you can buy them too. the very same recommendation as debbi, by the way.

so i stopped here this afternoon and bought one. the sales person was very helpful and suffers a similar condition and showed me her brace, the poor dear. i tried on the simplest one and practiced on a stepper they had out, since stairs are the only place it hurts anymore. and lo the clicking. i said "can you hear that?" and she said "i could hear it when you were walking before". so now i'm really paranoid and listening for clicks. it's just not right that doing something good for you should be so much trouble. anyway there were some other models i didn't even try on, they seemed so ungainly. upper and lower support. it would probably be like angels singing on high to wear it, it just makes me feel so afternoon special. like the girl with the farrah hair who buys the magazines and the candy bar to hide the kotex in the checkout line. i have thirty days to try it out and working up the courage of a thirteen year old buying hygiene products. or maybe the lower band will be enough combined with the rest and the route change.

it's so frustratingly me that by the time (see more than a year) that i finally get really into running i get some dumbass injury. is it really that bad or am i psyching myself out and into being a lazy bum? should i power through or seek medical attention? it's a beautiful day so i'm going to test the band out tonight. full update tomorrow, hopefully less clicky.

Monday, June 11, 2007

"I'm pretty spry for a corpse."

one of the things i like best about being home is the radio. when i'm in maine, i listen to cd's and books on tape and pretty much anything that isn't local radio. stephen king's station, fm 103, is the only worthwhile station but they've never played marky mark and the funky bunch. at 8 am on a sunday morning good vibrations is a religious experience. we had a pretty fabulous time in NH. we saw my sister cuddle rosie the boa constrictor at my nephew's birthday party and we ate more pizza, ice cream and cake than i ever really want to see again. i sort of can't believe that i didn't gain anything while we were gone. we ate pizza for three meals, half a donzen donuts and stopped for ice cream twice not counting the birthday party food. it was a trainwreck, nutritionally speaking, but it was so much fun to just do whatever. 'course this week is all about not spending money on groceries so it'll be a creative pantry protein party at my house. beans beware!

i did a ton of shopping while i was home because that's what i do. i buy. maybe it's my sorry ass reasoning skills. actually i got some very good deals. i'm the proud new owner of a kitchen food processor, retail 169.99 and all mine for 75 bucks. and since i realllllly didn't need it, i have to make a point of using it every single day. or something. i'm hoping it'll help improve my bread baking. it's a skill i'd very much like to master and i just can't seem to get it right. argh.

the one weird thing that happened is that my dad has finally noticed that i've been losing weight. my sister has been noticing all along and it seemed weird to me that my dad hadn't, if only because they're both obsessed with dieting (not me though, with the daily blog. i'm not obsessed. ahem.). this weekend he must've said something three times and it started to get a little strange. when i'm away i forget how obsessed he is with weight and food. he has a heart attack when he thinks i don't eat something (meat, egg yolks, meat) but at the same time he's critical about everyone's weight. that's why i think he's never been very successful with losing his own weight. he used to make these huge breakfasts and he'd be genuinely pissed off if you didn't everything. but every article of clothing he's ever bought me has been an extra large because that's how he thinks of us. his extra large children. he wants things both ways, like most people do. it pisses me off that the only time i remember my dad saying he was proud of me is because i lost thirty pounds. and yet he still doesn't respect my choices. maybe if i lose the rest he'll get his head out of his ass.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

"sneaky sneaky, sir"

good for kids, good for folks who want to get more out of less.

"It involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here."

my scale this morning said 171 which means maybe the laissez faire thing has gone a bit too far. time to get back to ye olde routine. in the spirit of which i went for a jog last night. a paltry one miler because i died right on the side of the highway. i had half a mind to hitch back. i usually jog first thing in the morning and after last week i thought i'd be inspired to get up early and do it before work. and then it rained every single morning. which isn't a problem in itself, it's the darkness. it's hard to be inspired at 5 am when it's freezing and raining and dark.

yesterday afternoon the sun finally came out and i was inspired when i got home. so i ran and it was really nice, until my knee fell off. it was getting a sore last week and i thought well obviously it's because you've never run 8 miles in a week before, ever, obviously things might be a little sore. and then last night pow! now it feels a bit better but it's making a clicking sound and it's awful going up stairs. of course this morning it was gorgeous and i wanted to go out only OW so i couldn't. i might try a walk tonight, i'm a little worried i'll genuinely hurt myself if i push it.

in opposition of the scale, i've noticed some "wow, i'm getting smaller" things. my class ring is getting huge. or, my finger is getting skinny. last night i almost lost it in a grocery bag and just missed paying for 14 carat broccoli. mental note to buy a ring guard. it's strange how some places lose weight, i never thought my fingers were that fat.

also to buy, new brassieres. which i am loathing. while i was on vacation i stopped into victoria secret to "look" and tried on a few things. i have a suspicion i've changed sizes again and i can never remember how high they go.* things have changed a bit since the last time i went in and they have sort of big breast section in the back, around a corner. so i grabbed a few and tried them on only to see that wow, these really don't fit. so i put everything back and was walking out before i realized i picked a complete set of the wrong damn size. the 36's didn't fit because i'm not a 36 yet. i should have been looking for 38D to replace the 38DD i currently have that is getting too large. i was too pissed to go back, maybe next weekend. maybe i'll take my brain with me.

all of my belts are getting too big too. i have a pile waiting for matt to give them new holes. maybe they'll just end up at goodwill. i've got the feeling i'll be parked at size 12 for a while which makes me think i should pick up another pair of pants. i was holding out for size 10 before getting a new wardrobe. i really didn't want to stay at 12 forever but there are things i'd like to work on beyond just getting to size 10. pilates, pain part 2, is still kicking my ass. i want to focus on working my core and the running. i'm thinking there would be more merit in a smokin' hot size 12 versus a paranoid size 10. but probably i'll change my mind when i get there, or tomorrow. or five minutes from now. behold the ever-evolving theory of a fatblog.

*how matt hates this store, he doesn't understand why a store dedicated to breasts caters to women who don't have any. i don't either for that matter.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

"Nooo... I think you're up in the clocktower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in."

i'm trying to get my blog on early while i'm still in a good mood. i had a bit of a breakdown on the way to monkey shopping last night. i do feel better now after talking to matt about all the things i hate about being here and why and he understands. if i had to leave, he'd come with me. that makes a huge difference. he's thinking of doing something new too, that might make him a shit load of money. he offered to be my sugar daddy, which i'm not really comfortable with but it was a nice offer. i think if i was home all day i'd be bored off my arse. i don't know what to do with myself when i have free time. i must lack motivation. heh.

there's something about being almost debt free that has me feeling a little weird. when it's finally gone in the next month or so, i will only have one monthly bill. i've been living the work-a-day pay your bills grind so long i don't know what to do with that freedom. if i really wanted to, i could quit my job. i could work part time. if i saved a bit first i could go to school. i could sell my plasma. take in washing. it's a world of oysters i'm not entirely comfortable with. i have to answer some hard questions that i've been avoiding. i'm running through my allotted breaths and steps on this earth with no real purpose and it's starting to get old.

wow, that was deep. really i just want to make cupcakes all day. only i can't do that without a little more sacrifice. which is not unreasonable, i know. it shouldn't be a burden to sacrifice for something you really want. i guess i'm just feeling overburdened, or out-burdened, or something. like maybe a little lack of responsibility wouldn't be so bad. the short of the long is that i don't know what to do with myself. it's not new, i've never known what to do with myself. i have inklings of things that could be and i'm feeling stifled by my inability to do them RIGHT NOW.

money, fat, motivation...a pile of dumb things that keep us from doing what we want to do. man, it's boring. and indulgent too as i'm sitting here at my cushy better than minimum wage paying job complaining with plenty of food to eat and clean water and a place to live. there's never a cattle prod around when you need one.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

"monday, no...monday afternoon."

so you know somedays when you check your email and all you have are 1000 notes from netflix. they're sending and receiving and when did you send this? those days suck. i especially hate the "when did you send ?" ones. when did i send it back, i don't know. was it in the red envelope? with the red on it? i sent that, uhh, this week. it bothers me that i might be lying because it could have a serious effect on my quality of service. what if i'm lying and saying it takes 8 minutes for all of my mail to get to portland and it really takes 8 weeks and i can't tell the difference? what happens to my service then? and seriously, how do they expect you to see in the envelope to know what you're mailing. am i supposed to remember what i watched, because i don't. check with hilly and you'll know that i only ever watch angel and i do not know which disk i'm on. the one with david boreanaz in it and then something tragic happens.

i'm sort of in a mood today and i can't think of anything relevant to say so i choose rambling. i have to haul ass to the mall today so i can return my nephew's birthday present. apparently webkins are the new beanie babies, and i bought the wrong one. frog and tree frog are not the same and anyway he has both of them. so i have to get the ugly ass monkey. or a savings bond. i'm "this" close to a pencil sharpener and my best wishes. not that it's his fault. i'd feel worse if he wanted gun and naked lady games for his computer.

the ugh part is that we'll be dining at the mall. i'm going through this period where nothing seems very appealing. even bad food that normally would make me guilty and greedy and giddy isn't turning me on. i'm sure i'll get over it in time to eat pizza and very possibly ice cream and come home and go to bed. and then tell you all about it tomorrow. with a picture of that monkey. really, they look like they have the mange. it's bizarre.

Monday, June 04, 2007

"Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked."

i'm back and feeling all perky. a chilled out vacation was a good thing. i did a lot of cooking (note: making sushi is hard), not as much eating as i thought and getting in more exercise than i thought possible. and i get to keep my gold medal in maintaining as i'm back here at 169. i didn't do much of "the dieting" while i was gone. it would have been a bit too difficult to restrict while hanging around my house baking and watching movies and rearranging my furniture. but i had a good week and i felt really good about everything i did, even if i do spend every vacation thinking i could be making better use of my time. i have a little trouble embracing the true meaning of the word. from now on i'm working on embracing the true meaning of vacation, translated directly from the latin as "chill the fuck out".

so i mentioned that i had some really good runs last week. it was way better than good. they were amazing. the kind of runs where you can't actually breath but your legs just won't stop because they're that happy. i honestly never knew i could do that and i'm stunned and amazed and even a little worried that it won't last. and it sort of got me wondering about my running and my motivation and all that stuff. i've been "running" for most of my time doing "the dieting". until recently it's only been as a tool of the weightloss, not because i really wanted to. i ran when i could as much as i could to burn more calories. i never really got good at it, or even wanted to. it was like running the mile in gym class; hard, embarrassing, an emotional hurdle aswell as physical.

i wasn't motivated to do it, i did it because i had to. that's more or less how i feel about weightloss as a whole. it wasn't like i woke up one day ready to fix my life. i woke up one day and couldn't go on being broken. maybe in some lights that's the same thing, but not for me. PQ has said some things about motivation and weightloss, that was weeks ago but i'm in that time warp that happens when you go away and expect to come back where you left off so forgive me. it's true though, when you get to that point where your life is ticking by and you're not living it and you decide to do something...that's not motivation. that's the end of the line. i don't buy lowfat cheese because i'm motivated, i do it because i have to. same for exercise.

i do the things i have to do and i do them regularly enough that they've become habits but it's nothing to do with motivation. it's hard work. and routine. if you're waiting to get motivated you're just feeding yourself excuses. which is fine, it's a big chunk of the process. none of us would be here if we didn't do our time with excuses. when you're ready, you do it. no one wakes up one day running marathons and eating whole grain yogurt smoothies for every meal when they only had remote controls and big macs the day before. i really think motivation as a concept is built only to make people feel bad about what they're not accomplishing. we get enough of that on our own i think.

Friday, June 01, 2007

"bourbon! how much bourbon?"

i said i'd be posting pictures only the weather sucks. i've had a few fabulous runs early in morning and then five minutes later the skies go black for the rest of the day. every single day. it's weird. that and the roadkill which really seems to be expanding exponentially while i've been home. and i'm thinking no one wants pictures of that. but anyway i'm enjoying the running. and the pilates. i sarted up the second video and OH MY GOD. it's amazing and painful and i'm totally hooked. exercise and sado masochism are like "this" close, seriously.

so i'm totally not making any sense and probably i should get back to not doing anything. which sounds great on the surface but on day five you really want a hobby. i'm thinking clog dancing. who wouldn't want pictures of that?