10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

catholic guilt no more

saturday morning there was a big sale at my new favorite jeweler. so i showed up at almost the last minute and spent a lot of money on myself. and i felt really guilty about it until two hours later, when the lady in front of me slammed on her brakes. in the rain. for no apparent reason. so we collided. my grill is gone. the radiator is about two inches farther back than it should be. the headlight is all floppy. fortunately, they're all things matt can fix. fortunately because i don't carry collision insurance. roll of the dice as they say.

since my weekend sucked i'm enjoying the hell out of my new jewels. before my insurance goes up and i have to hawk all my possessions. cough. i'm lucky that the power came back at all, there are a few parts of the island still waiting. i'm also lucky that we lost power before the temp. was below freezing. that would have been more than a little unpleasant. especially as i'm out of candles.

and look at that, i almost forgot the most horrifying part of this debacle of a weekend. we have to make a god damn video. about customer service. every branch has to do one. we have to write, star and direct the bastards. i'm really thinking about looking for a janitorial position. atleast they don't have to jump through managerial wetdream hoops. banker...highschool student...banker...highschool student. it's an identity crisis in the making.

but i promised myself i'd stop whining on here. it's not a bit nice. so for happy thoughts tonight we're handing out candy at a friend's house. i have great hopes after my two disappointing halloweens in maine. rural maine is not the best place to go trick-or-treating. not enough doors per mile. the candy strategist in me understands this, but it still bums me out. if everything goes well we'll have lots of kids to give candy to and see lots of costumes. and not eat all the candy ourselves. i'm looking forward to a real halloween. i even pulled out one of my sister's kimonos. i'm pink hair punk kimono girl. with kitten heels. all fear me.

Monday, October 30, 2006

i think they call it perspective

just to show that karma is a bitch, i spent my weekend thusly:

having a car accident (no injuries)

without power or heat in my apartment

with the bridge to the mainland closed indefinitely and a boyfriend on the wrong side

but i'm still weighing in at 178 so it's all good.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

mr. i have my reasons

i just let some asshole walk all over me at work. now i'm tearing up because i didn't stand my ground. probably i'll feel better when matt offers to shoot him. always a silver lining.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

better than build your own ice luge

poodles is now officially my favorite referral term ever. there's no group this website speaks more clearly to than poodle lovers. obviously. i wonder what would happen if i typed cocka-poo. or golden-doodle. or the breed that really makes me swoon, labradoodle. that one really flows. no hyphen required.

did you think i might write about fat or something? nah. when statcounter gives you such gems you must embrace them. and when a reasonable band like the goo goo dolls is playing in bangor, you must get tickets. i'm not a huge fan, but it's enough that they are actually coming, here, to bangor that we have to go. pop culture doesn't swing north this often so we're going to take advantage of it.

we're not social creatures so this is good for us. we can go out and enjoy without having to actually talk to anyone. unlike all the parties we keep getting invited to. neither of us drink, matt in particular doesn't want to dress up for halloween, and we're not that keen on driving an hour both ways to do all these things we don't really want to do. if the stars align, we'll be buying a refridgerator instead. if that's not the stuff that keeps you young i don't know what is. mmm, kenmore.

is it horribly anti-social to not want to go to a friend of a friend's halloween party. reasonable or neurosis? should i be worried that i don't want to go to these parties...that at the ripe old age of 25 i'd rather take my beau out for pizza and groceries than mix with my peers? there's been a lot of do-it-yourself psychology around here lately. that's probably unfortunate.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"do snakes have fur?" "they do when they're ferrets."

consider this an open letter to all the people and groups that write me emails and ask me to plug their site/product/diet.

dear sirs/madams/list generators,

if you want me to read your email, you have to call my blog by the right name. it's not "does this blog make me look fat", it's not "does this make me look fat" it's certainly not "do i look fat". it makes a bad first impression when you don't get the details on your spamming correct. the shame of it, i'm sure it burns.

besides, you guys totally ruin the joke for me and that puts me off. bad public relations. adding insult to unsolicited email. tsk. but seriously, you'd probably do better to research first, spam later. greater odds. but probably not here. i'm not interested in sharing your wack diet, site with spendy registration fees, crack pot product with my readers. if you read my blog, you'd know that's not me. you shouldn't mess with a girl who ponders how many calories it would burn to bury her boyfriend in the backyard. just sayin'.

thanks! peace out.

Monday, October 23, 2006

still too short

i bought some new jeans this weekend. i've been doing really well this week and i rewarded myself. and i had a coupon, shoot me. i also had this crazy idea that eventually my waist and leg ratios would come closer together and i would be a regular shopper. so i took a bunch of 14 regular jeans into the fitting room. i have so much to learn. it seems no matter how much i lose, i will always be too short. the delusion, it runs deep. so i bought some short jeans that fit, and i won't have to walk around holding my pants up.

one of the pairs i bought is sort of skinny jeans esq. they're not as skinny as the popular ones, which i must say i think look ridiculous on almost everyone but that's just me, but they're sort of a similar cut. i should note here that i didn't actually try them on. i got a little fitting weary and just grabbed a second pair of the same, rather elusive size and headed to the checkout. but the funky hipster jeans didn't have a tag. so they're mine...forever. i'm planning to wear them with a lot of black and feign a rotund kate moss. or i can wear them to scrub my toilet because atleast they fit and i won't have to hold them up with one hand and scrub with the other. the lesson here, try the damn things on first.

right now my 135 pound, 5'5 co-worker trainee is telling my boss she wants to lose weight. and any minute i expect my boss to tear her apart like a group of lions. last week she was near gloating because her doctor thinks she has an eating disorder. i joke about wanting a tape worm, but i don't think i could ever be happy about having an eating disorder. it's one of my bigger fears surrounding dieting.

like today, i have a whole pumpkin pie at home because you can't buy just one piece. but i've only eaten one piece and i only will eat one piece. i feel extraordinarily in control right now. and i love it. it's what i loved about the beginning of my dieting adventure. the control aspect of dieting is addictive. it kind of freaks me out. like i could easily go too far and i'm not sure i'd know when i crossed the line.

i've discovered months too late that the secret to my success is not not buying junkfood. it's buying it and not eating it. that's pretty fucked up. i have a bag of mini peanut butter cups in my drawer at work. i bought them for my sister in japan. only she's moving to slovenia or something and i can't send any more mail. so they're at hands reach all day and i haven't eaten one of them. and i like it that way.

when i think back to the beginning, i bought a lot of the things i wasn't eating. i bought them and i put them in my cupboards and that was it. i did a lot of that. i've now given away or trashed most of that stuff. but it's like i'm starting over. one uneaten pie at a time. can i afford to waste the money on such a bizarre pattern? or should i probably be spending it on a therapist.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

raining cats and poodles

there's nothing like a rainy day to make you realize your pants are getting too long. i've been doing this coquettish holding them up thing that's really best reserved for wearing skirts or living in 1893. since i've had these pants for years, i was confounded that they're too long when they were perfect last winter. and since it's me i'm speaking about you'll understand that my first thought was "oh my god, i'm shrinking". and then i took some tums. for the calcium. so my osteoporized bones might hold out a bit longer.

it wasn't until i reached work that i realized that it's not my bones that are shrinking. it's moments like this which make me glad i keep my diploma on my wall (like a dentist) because i'd never believe someone gave me such a thing if i didn't have proof. what would i do with my time if i didn't spend so much of thinking the worst. idle hands are the devils workshop.

so, pants. is there anything more complicated than dressing a changing body? do i hem them or do i buy new ones that may or may not be replaced in the next months? these are tricky questions for me because i'm really tired of dressing like a student. i hate making clothing choices out of necessity rather than pleasure, but i love that the same clothes i was worried would be lost because they were too small are now too big. i have to remember that i could be needing new things like seatbelt extenders rather than smaller pants. it could be so much worse.

i feel like i write this post every other week. hey, i'm fat and my clothes don't fit. that should be my new title. guaranteeing repetition with every post! i can't deny the truth universally acknowledged that you can't feel good about yourself if you think you look like shit all the time. in the vein of choosing things that will work with me along my "journey" i'm thinking skirts. short ones. it'll be good for the morale, the boyfriend's, if nothing else.

Monday, October 16, 2006

a timely discovery

check me with my two posts in one day. almost two in an hour. that's how hot i am today. hot and burning. want to know where? it's better than porn, i'm burning my face off. i've been under the impression that i have had a fever the last few days. since last week. my face is all pink and flushed and burning with the hotness. since i'm too cheap to have a thermometer i've been using the boyfriend-o-meter to guage whether or not i'm fevered. not that i've been home from work or resting, anything that normal sick people might do. but hey, i'm not sick at all. i'm just burning my face off. with my clean and clear dual acids which burn facial moisturizer(c).

i got a trial size with my last purchase of their pore scrub (i'd liken it to proactiv for the desperately thrifty) and i tried it while i was at home last weekend because it was tiny and easy to pack. i noticed a tingling sensation and i loved it. if it tingles it has to be working on pimple eradication right? that's logical, right? so i've been using it every morning. and every day i feel the burning. the you have a cold, flu, ecoli, thing has been going on for almost two weeks and i just put it together half an hour ago.

my boss' son just acquired a boxer puppy, cuter than should be allowed, and he licked all over my face. when they left i washed my face of puppy slobber and lo and behold, no more burning. it's a good thing i forgot to buy a doomsday supply of that stuff when i was shopping this weekend. i had planned on it. my skin looks great. if a little like i got too close to a fire.

a few good things

i just got my monthly martha. so many things i want to cook. so many things for thanksgiving. i love the holidays, if only in theory. i always look at all the wonderful recipes and ideas that are around and plan this crazy fabulous menu. and then it turns out i'm not hosting a big family meal..i'm always someone else's guest. that's the difficulty of holidays in your 20's, you have no control when it comes to holiday meal planning. it's hard if you're on a diet, or you're vegetarian, or if you're just really OCD like i am.

i want the creative control but i'm not certain i'll want the responsibility of doing it every year. that's a lot of turkeys. the one saving factor for me is that matt doesn't care at all about holidays. if we never celebrated thanksgiving or christmas it wouldn't bother him a bit. we could easily get away with staying home and making spaghetti, whether his family would forgive us i don't know.

but i have dreams. dreams of setting a martha table of antiques and serving a gorgeous dinner and all the side dishes and desserts that make you drool on the page. the mini cranberry meringue pies in particular would look lovely on my yardsale bought table. but it's not a great idea. i'd be better served to indulge my need for finery on the boyfriend alone, or when my nearest and dearest visit from lands afar. i would rather put my heart into cooking for people i love being with than because it's required of me on the last thursday of the 11th month and everything else is closed.

i've been a lazy cook lately, making blt's for matt and eating a lot of high fiber* cereal for dinner. the stupid thing is that i like to cook. i just have to re-think it. take my enthusiasm for holiday dishes and use it whenever i want to. set the table like someone who actually eats at a table and use the right silverware instead of the clean silverware. and maybe then i'll really understand what matt means when he says he'd rather enjoy an ordinary day instead of being expected to rejoice on demand.

*trying to stress the good carb thing there with too much detail, does it work?

Friday, October 13, 2006

the stand

i bought a carrot cake last night for no other reason than that it was there. at the grocery store. with the rest of the cakes. just sitting there, taunting passersby. forces were aligned against me. and today we're having an ice cream party. with monster cookies. and bags and bags of halloween candy. it would be easier to turn it all down if the party weren't being thrown by people whose presence makes you want to chew through your wrists to end the pain. or have a snickers. or 7.

i keep thinking about it and there's just no reason for my life to be this stressful. i'm not a brain surgeon. i'm not an accountant at tax time. there's no reason for my job to effect the success of my day to such a degree. it's just silly. i've got to find a way to rise above all this daily stuff so a bag of nasty ass snickers doesn't sound my downfall. wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

181: the final frontier

i took an extra day off on tuesday. apparently i have some vacation time left and i'll be damned if i don't take it all. so, ofcourse, i went shopping. i have no other pass-time, and no other love. that's not true, i just feel dramatic today. i had the strongest urge to title this post "i shot jr" but it just didn't feel right. maybe next time. so, shopping. while i was in the car i heard the craziest thing. some radio drones were talking about a study that concluded that women dress more attractively when they're most fertile. wow. just like on the discovery channel. the conductees were noting the lack of fertility signalling in humans and lo and behold, they found it. darwin would wet himself.

what do we think of it though. it's totally subconcious so how would we know. if anyone out there practices the rhythm method and notes shorter skirts on ovulation days let me know. i think it's fascinating. hormones make life so much more interesting, don't they? it's nice they make us prettier aswell as cranky. it's only fair.

i ended the post here originally because we got wicked busy and it was either a half arsed post or no post at all. so i went half arsed. which i do alot. i'm the queen of half-arsing. i never even finished my shopping rant, and i had a good one. i bought the best fat girl belt ever this weekend. it's not the normal loop and holes and all that, it's like a fold over with knobs. whoa, that sentence makes no sense at all. but really, it's great. you can get super fat or super skinny and it still fits. it's the best 6 dollars i ever spent.

i love things that still look good but can be worn at different weights. i'm still trying not to invest too much money in clothes at this stage, except for a few things that do work with different weights. so i'm working on my accessory collection. belts and shoes and handbags. why save money when i can have red mary janes and leather tooled by children in mexico? writing that sentence makes me wish i was wearing a god bless america t-shirt with a flag on it. but that's not in my budget. maybe when i reach goal!!!

Friday, October 06, 2006

"i don't know if her ass was good, but it was huge so there was this tremendous sense of value for it"

i talked myself into a perfectly sinful lunch today, instead of the healthy low calorie one i had planned. but i totally skipped the fries because i have morals and also they were cold. cold fries are the worst, better to be virtuous. so far my exercise has been walking in three inch heels. which i'm convinced burns more calories than flats. i don't have any proof or anything, it just seems like it should. i'm a believer anyway.

i'm also a believer in columbus day if only because we get the day off. bank holidays are beautiful things.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

audit who?

we got audited this morning. surprise! it was cool though, we do everything as we should so there isn't any reason to worry. we're just tense because even though we know we do everything right, there's some ingrained thing about scrutiny causing tension. my boss was smiling so hard i thought i heard her jaw crack. but it's all over now.

being tense is a tiring process. my teeth hurt. i went for a long walk to relax and now i'm worn out. one stressful morning kicks my arse. i have the strongest desire to get a pizza for dinner so i don't have to kick. it'll be one of those evenings where you flop on the couch and the most activity you entertain is punching the remote and kicking the empty pizza box to the corner. i'll have to check out the will-o-meter before closing and see the consensus. wait with baited breath.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"is mel gibson in this movie?" "braveheart? yes. he is."

i'm very bummed that i've now seen all of the project runway seasons netflix has. but the "daniel franco where did you go" song is prefectly stuck in matt's head so the magic isn't all lost. the worst part is i keep calling it "fashion runway". which means i am officially my mother. god help me.

not to get off track or anything, but, speaking of god help me we had a big ass earthquake last night. it's the third big-ish one in two weeks. it's just not right. we get sub-zero temperatures, feet on feet of snow, ice storms, hail storms, hurricanes, forest fires and now earthquakes too? it's a smorgasbord of natural disasters and we got the early bird special. you know what the next season is? locusts. and i stole that from lewis black because it is the fucking gospel. locusts are next. i have this intense desire to buy bottled water and canned beans and an all terrain cat carrier. fear based consumerism is the wave of the future.

i called matt because i couldn't think of anything else to do and if my 17th century farmhouse is going to colapse on me damned if i want to be alone. so he came over. stopping out to his property to check on things. he didn't tell me last night what he was checking, but now i know. while we have tiny little earthquakes (4.2) we have big ass granite boulders. perched on mountains. there is one that has remade the guardrail at the tarn, having rolled down a mountain. guess who has a ton of boulders perched on the precipice of route 9 (important road to canada)? matt. that's what he was going to see. how many of his boulders done rolled into the highway. he didn't spend hours on the road with the backhoe so i'm guessing nothing happened. but the rock at the tarn is pretty cool.

but back to fashion runway. i really miss it. i'm not that excited about my netflix now that season 2 is all done (but i am getting a kick out of calling my sister and saying "designers, rock the casbah"). i'm not that excited about shopping either, which is just plain weird. especially as it's %10 off tuesday at the gap and my pulse is barely racing. but i lost four pounds in a day. so that's cool. it's not realistic but it's a great panacea. if i just stay off the scale till i get my diet on for a bit i might even have, like, genuine success. maybe.

*if miss pinky is reading i love the discs you sent me, i just haven't gotten to putting them on the computer to see which are my favorites. i just listen to it like a soundtrack. you should rename yourself jammastah pink!*

Monday, October 02, 2006

he thinks my garlic bread is sexy

it's supposed to be south beach week, but i had toast for breakfast. and i have spaghetti for lunch. this is called serious lack of planning. but tonight, i will go to the grocery store and i will buy vegetables and i'll start being skinny tomorrow. what? i'm a slacker you say. ofcourse i'm a slacker. if i wasn't i wouldn't need a diet blog. it's the circle of life like in the movie with the singing lions.