grouchy mcgrouchenstien

I live at the corner of no and where and you'd think I'd be more adjusted to dealing without power but yesterday just sucked. On a normal day I don't get that much done and there's guilt and feeling lazy but yesterday it got all compounded and I spent the whole day running down batteries on my phone and computer and reading and I just felt like I was pulsating frustrated energy. It was cold and wet out so we could only walk so much, the dogs were pretty great about it actually considering how grrry I felt all day. There was this whole thing with the generator and his family and who deserves to have a cold fridge and a warm house more and I've never been so relieved to have the power come back on. It was only 24 hours and it still feels like I should be filling containers with water and preparing for the lights to go out.

This morning I woke up to a very disturbing dream about my client who isn't my client anymore and hasn't been for ages. It was very lifelike and it reminded me so much of how she used to make me feel and Yikes! It was not a good feeling and it reminds me of what I meant to post about the other day when my pre-thirties on set dementia kicked in. I am not making the most of my time at home. I'm not enjoying it even a little. I'm so freaking stressed out about money that I consider a day fully lived as one in which I get all the dishes done before Matt gets home from work. I'm home with my sewing machine and my dogs and paint and god knows what else. We could be going out every day to do things that don't cost any money but I can't get my brain screwed on right. I'm not trying at all to get out from under this cloud and it has to be over right now. I can't take another minute.

I had this thought the other day like "gee, if I get that job I won't have any more free time!" well shit then, stop being a mopey moper and do something with your damn time! If it were that easy to talk yourself out of a depression then well we wouldn't need doctors and medication but to recognize things suck and to do nothing when you're capable is just stupid. If washing the dishes was good therapy, well I can't think of an analogy bad enough for thinking washing the dishes is salvation because there isn't one because that's ridiculous. Fuck the dishes, get out of the house and live you moron! I'm writing that on my wall with a big damn sharpie and if Matt complains he's going to have to make his own turkey pot pies because this amy is officially on the edge!