i'm a hypocrite of my last post and it only took me a day. i went to the mall and bought the size 12 jeans last night. for full price. take that controlling my personal finances. the thing is that i went home and changed out of my work clothes (which miraculously still look ok 20 pounds later?) and put on some jeans. some size 14 jeans i bought a month ago and have hardly worn (see emotional attachment to baggy size 16's) and are now too big. the waist is workable with a belt but the ass. oh, the ass. there is no ass. there is only denim. tent like denim. so i went and picked up the 12's.
i drove an hour both ways for no reason other than to buy a pair of jeans that cost more than my monthly clothing budget and don't actually fit well enough to wear out of the house. i spent that whole saturday telling myself that cute clothes would be there when they fit me and when i have the money. and it was fine. i was just happy to see the progress. really. and then i went home last night and put on my brand new tent ass jeans and i guess i sort of snapped. on the one hand i have to remember that this is a work in progress and the rewards will be there when i'm ready. on the other i feel like all this work is worthless if i still hate the way i look.
can you tell that i still feel guilty. that the guilt is oozing out of my pores. i'm secretly hoping that the shipment of underwires winging their way to my door don't fit so i can recoup the money for this months budget. i'm also painfully relieved that there is some strange 90 day return policy at the gap this month. i have 90 days to fit into those jeans. i want to write a letter but i hardly think they'll appreciate thanks from someone so grateful to return their merchandise.
on the fat front the scale read 174 again this morning. so i'll be working on returning to 171. and holding there. that's the new issue, maintaining a few pounds at a time. i've bounced back up from 171 to 174 a few times and it's getting old. i get lazy, or someone visits, or i visit my family and i lose my ability to maintain. i know i can do better than that. i know the difference between one occasional indulgence and constant indulgences i'm just not putting it into practice as well as i could be. something to work on.