i'm trying to get my blog on early while i'm still in a good mood. i had a bit of a breakdown on the way to monkey shopping last night. i do feel better now after talking to matt about all the things i hate about being here and why and he understands. if i had to leave, he'd come with me. that makes a huge difference. he's thinking of doing something new too, that might make him a shit load of money. he offered to be my sugar daddy, which i'm not really comfortable with but it was a nice offer. i think if i was home all day i'd be bored off my arse. i don't know what to do with myself when i have free time. i must lack motivation. heh.
there's something about being almost debt free that has me feeling a little weird. when it's finally gone in the next month or so, i will only have one monthly bill. i've been living the work-a-day pay your bills grind so long i don't know what to do with that freedom. if i really wanted to, i could quit my job. i could work part time. if i saved a bit first i could go to school. i could sell my plasma. take in washing. it's a world of oysters i'm not entirely comfortable with. i have to answer some hard questions that i've been avoiding. i'm running through my allotted breaths and steps on this earth with no real purpose and it's starting to get old.
wow, that was deep. really i just want to make cupcakes all day. only i can't do that without a little more sacrifice. which is not unreasonable, i know. it shouldn't be a burden to sacrifice for something you really want. i guess i'm just feeling overburdened, or out-burdened, or something. like maybe a little lack of responsibility wouldn't be so bad. the short of the long is that i don't know what to do with myself. it's not new, i've never known what to do with myself. i have inklings of things that could be and i'm feeling stifled by my inability to do them RIGHT NOW.
money, fat, motivation...a pile of dumb things that keep us from doing what we want to do. man, it's boring. and indulgent too as i'm sitting here at my cushy better than minimum wage paying job complaining with plenty of food to eat and clean water and a place to live. there's never a cattle prod around when you need one.