10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, February 06, 2006

the family talked me out of the south beach thing, until friday. on friday i start my thyroid pills again, so i won't be too discouraged. so this week i have to eat all the carb filled smart ones that are in my freezer, and use up all the open boxes of pasta. but i'm only eating carbs before three. carb-less dinners all week. it's something oprah does so it must be a good idea right?
tonight i'm doing salmon on a bed of wilted spinach. i feel like these recipes are allvery gourmet magazine. or that section of martha stewart living where the fabulous couple is entertaining in simple but glorious style. without the style.
the weather has been really lovely, so i took a great walk today at lunch. so great my legs are still burning. i'm still feeling too embarrassed to walk in to the Y. i hate this fat phobia. i wish i lived in a bigger place where no one would know me. i know it's stupid. i read this study in highschool about how %90 of the time everyone is thinking about themselves and not you. i know it's true, i don't think about how fat or unfat someone walking into the Y is. i only care about how fat i look walking into the Y. it's pathetic.
i've been thinking so much about the things i never used to allow myself to have, or do. i also did a lot of screwed up stuff because of what i thought others might notice. like if i craved a donut, i would buy a box because i'd want the counter clerk (who must have served 1000 people a day) to think i must be buying for my family. probably i just looked like even more of a pig buying the box. and then i couldn't let them go bad, not when i spent so much money. jesus god, it's pathetic. i'm sure it should be a lifetime movie, but not until there's an intervention or i start sleeping with the teenage boy down the road because he drives the domino's delivery truck. but i digress. it's got to be more healthy to say to yourself "if you really must have the doughnut, for crissakes just buy ONE" and then get over it. and not worry about it. that's just so depressing to think about.
or take today at riteaid. most mornings i pop over and get a drink or a snack. well, not most but atleast once a week. the little russian girl who takes my money does NOT care that i don't buy diet soda, or that i already had a dove bar this week. i have to keep reminding myself that strangers don't care that i exercise or eat chocolate sometimes. but then i remember that round little fat ten year old boy in the checkout line at the supermarket upset about c-1 because they made his favorite drink healthy. that poor kid. what a hard life he has ahead of him. to think any version of a drink that removes rust could be healthy. anyway, i still remember him. i don't want to be remembered as that poor girl from down the street who thinks it's ok to drink that much iced tea.
i think i only just realized with perfect clarity how fat i am. in highschool i was fine and i thought i was grotesque. and a few months ago i thought i was fine but really i'm considered obese. and that's not fine. one of the women i work with worries constantly about her weight, has slimfast for breakfast and lunch. the other orders two desserts to take one home. i've been pulling two many leaves out of one book and not the other, and guess which one? there's something really refreshing about the attitude. not healthy, but refreshing. so many women are constantly worried about what they eat and how they look. i don't want to be like that.
my mother dieted and hated her body (and made me hate mine) her entire life. she died of cancer in the spring, her body withering away as her own cells attacked eachother. the only time she was happy with her weight was because she was too ill to eat. i'd rather be fat than live like that. i need to strike my own balance. somewhat like my previous life when i felt like everyone was watching, except i'm doing it for myself. and i need to get off my ass no matter what anyone thinks.
the boyfriend was a runner in highschool and wants to run with me. i can't bear it. i don't want him to see how pathetic i am. i have so much to work on. he asked me this weekend if he could ride a bike with me this summer and it broke my heart. and still i'm worried if i'll be able to keep up, and it's february. eee gads!

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