10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

"Cowering in a closet is starting to seem like a reasonable plan."

I had this very, very smart friend in high school who once missed a whole day of classes because she saw a man with a gun in her house and was too freaked to do anything but hide in her closet. The man was her brother and the gun was a paint gun and he liked to spend his mornings before school shooting the train that went by their backyard. She didn't ever sleep and I think it added a little crazy to her genius and probably right now she is curing cancer or building a car that runs off of pop tarts. I've been thinking about her all the time lately, her electric blue camaro and the crayon scribed notes from her parents she would forge. I think of her lately because I feel like I'm trying to find myself in my new life, I'm trying to be very present with my wants and needs and I really miss that girl. She was awesome in every possible way.

One night we were driving home from Boston and she got very serious in the backseat because she thought the lights from the on coming traffic was a plane landing and she told us she loved us because she really thought we were all going to die. I don't think I have ever been that honest, not ever. She was the definition of an open book, all of her thoughts and feelings were true and expressed well even when they weren't because it just felt like life to be with her. I don't know if I ever appreciated her the way I should and I am full of regret now. I know that high school was way too hard on her because she didn't have the hard shell I can't seem to get rid of and that fills me with regrets too.

I am trying to be more open, especially as things are happening around me that are out of my control. I'm trying to go with the flow and be present and all the others things you hear on television show therapy sessions but I feel like a nut that's too hard to crack lately.

Matt and I and my babies are preparing to take a long, cold walk and I'm trying to empty my mind and be full of the experience but it's work. How do you folks let go when circumstances feel like they're boxing you in and cookies are not an option?

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