"Did I mention I didn't take Latin?"

I think I figured out how to log our hikes. I suspect that Sparkpeople isn't very thorough in their calculating. I suspect that when I enter 45 minutes of a hike up hill that Sparkpeople doesn't consider that just less than half of that 45 minutes was spent going downhill. I don't think they care about the subtleties of physics. Therefor, I suspect that if I enter half of the time I spend hiking with the pup on the Sparkpeople calculator I will have a more accurate count of calories burned. Mystery solved.

In other news, I'm selling my shoes. Trying to anyway. I have finally come to the very difficult conclusion that I cannot wear high heels anymore, certainly not all day at a professional type job which is what most of my shoes are for. For my last interview I wore a pair of new bandolino's I bought on sale which were totally awesome and for which I'm still hurting for wearing once more than a week ago. So it's time. Past time actually but whatever. I'm keeping my boots and a few of my absolute favorites but the bulk of them are on ebay. I'm trying not to be sad about it, I'm going to use the money to buy some new boots, or flats or something to salve the wound. Like chocolate, she jests.

not possible

I just added my day's food and walks into sparkpeople and according to them I should be dead. Or at least skinny. Knox and I burn almost 900 calories a day on our walks and since I don't sit around all day and eat donuts (did anyone else notice that AskMen recycled that article?) I should be so much skinnier. I had been doing pretty well entering things before I started my temp job and either I'm a sleep eater or they're wack. Or is it whack! I'm trying to enter everything very carefully but I'm not finding comfort in the data. I was happy for about ten minutes after they told me one walk burns 450 calories but we've been taking those walks since he came home with us and I haven't lost any considerable amount of weight.

I'm taking a harder look at what I eat and how I prepare foods. The soup thing is awesome, I know I'm getting more vegetables and protein but also sodium...I tried really hard to not add salt but soup sucks with no salt, there's no amount of bouquet garni that will cover the absence of salt. So I think that's a problem, more salt and definitely less water (also a problem) and I guess I'm just not paying as much attention as I thought I was.

I've been thinking about the super skinny lady from the temp job I mentioned a while back. We talked for a while on my last day. She has undiagnosed celiac disease and recently started drinking these smoothies for breakfast. Frozen bananas, yogurt, other berries maybe peanut butter for protein. It sounds so simple and easy, another of those prep on the weekend and it's nothing to scoop and mix during the week things. I technically have time to make whatever I want for breakfast most days so the time saving component isn't a big deal for me but it just sounds yummy and easy. Protein and fruit and calcium, I'm really interested in trying it so I'm going to work the right things into next week's grocery budget. And also I ordered the Tracy Anderson dvd. I"ll report back soon!

"I said no camels"

Can we talk about the cold? It's supposed to be spring, it is officially spring and yet, in spite of the springiness of now it was 25 degrees today. Last week I was thinking about spring in NH as a kid. It would be freezing in the morning so your mom would dress you in fifty layers and then by lunch it would be 60 degrees and everyone would have heatstroke...the next day you wear light clothes and die of hypothermia. It's been a hypothermia kind of day. I put away my long underwear a few weeks ago when the temperatures were toastily above freezing and that was a big mistake. I feel like I handled the cold very well when it was january and now it really pisses me off. It's not even good for the maple syruping when it's so cold all day.

Now that I've got that out of my system, Hi! I made some unexpectedly good soup today. I usually use kidney beans...for no real reason, it's just what I've been using, and I ran out of them today so I substituted black beans and it came out really great. Sort of a very vegetabley black bean, not as thick as the usual but with more heft than a broth. I packaged it all up in half cup tupperware and I'm ready to roll for another week. You have to have soup when the daily high is only 25 degrees in friggin' march. Soup and hot chocolate. I picked up the hot chocolate for matt, since he's not a tea drinker and warm drinks are a necessity of winter. Anyway, the cocoa I got is Swiss Miss Great Start and it's pretty great. It's not low calorie but it's full of extra vitamins and calcium so it's good for both of us. Which is what I tell myself when I make a cup every morning. At least it has more vitamins than tea even if it does have more calories.

I've been reading about the Tracy Anderson 'method' lately, anyone know what I'm talking about? Apparently she was Gwenyth Paltrow's trainer, and Madonna I think. I've read that it was ridiculously hard but gave results almost immediately which I think would be great for motivation. It's easy to work hard when you see results. Not to say I'm not feeling results of the pilates because I am, I feel really great but I'm no where near the "new" body stage. Sometimes feeling great is enough and sometimes it's not and I've got to say I'm tempted by the Tracy Anderson thing. If anyone has the goods on that 'method' let me know, I'd love to hear about it.

"he's Canadian, but not the french kind so we're ok with it"

I am CRAZY with the grumpy today. It should be an awesome day because it's the last day of this ridiculous temp job and I told puppy this morning that it was the last day of us being apart and I tried to be happy but I'm just grumped. Last night there were some animal antics that woke us up, it wasn't entirely naughty just bad planning on the human end but I found myself unable to sleep and thoroughly pissed off. Out of nowhere, it was insane, it was a tidal wave of fury. My boyfriend, who loves me, kept moving over on to my side of the bed to cuddle and at 4 am I was hanging on to the very edge of the bed "this" close to beating him to death with the lamp if he put one more inch of skin in my space and then the alarm went off. Then the usual hissing and growling and barking ensued and no one slept until the alarm went off again at 6.

Even before we brought home the woof, chairman meow had to get up with us in the morning. She wakes up with matt at 4 and follows him around and then when he leaves she comes back to bed and waits to get up with me and be my furry shadow. Knoxaroni would be fine sleeping during the human movement but fifteen pounds of meow makes quite a furry thud and that he can't resist so by my reckoning if the cat would just stay the eff in bed I would get two more hours of sleep. Instead, she follows matt and he follows her and then there's hissing and barking and frustrated people saying "nevermind" over and over again.

Right now I'm sitting at my fake job using their totally unlocked wireless and counting the hours until I can go home. NOT SOON ENOUGH but I have a book and I have the blogs and I packed two cheese sticks instead of a cupcake so I'm trying. I'm putting all my feet forward to have a good day and shake this mood and be happy that I have my life back tomorrow. Happy or bust, is where I am now. Happy whether I like it or not. Happy if it kills me. I might just stand in the hallway for the next 6 hours because this is a government building and there's a big ass picture of Obama smiling and that totally makes me smile too. Who needs a cupcake when you don't have a moron for a president anymore.

all your diction dripping with disdain

So, I erased whatever was here and I'm typing anew. Have I mentioned that everyone at this job is super thin? Well, not everyone but enough for it to be overwhelming. There are two normal, average amy looking women and they're both on diets. One does Nutrisystem with mixed emotions and the other is on some salad eating diet but seems very happy. The person most concerned with sugar and fat is the skinniest lady, she's also the best dressed. I wonder most about her, I must admit. We're all familiar with the never ending diet syndrome of the moderately overweight but her, uhm, diligence is something else. I guess that's the way you have to be, I know you can't do your diet and then turn it off...you have to fight the dark forces forever it just seems like a sad way to live. From she who has a cupcake in her lunch bag, a tasty tasty cupcake.

I haven't properly stepped on the scale since I took this job, I just don't have time in the morning. Which is crazy because how much time does it take to stand still but I'm forever rushing breakfast and shower and then it's too late to get weighed. I have been stepping on it later at night...mostly so I can say to myself "that would be less if this was morning". I suppose when my post dinner weigh in reaches 300 pounds I'll know something is going awry.

I have, in contrast, been feeling really good about the pilates and our daily hikes. I can now run up the hill even in snow boots, which I certainly couldn't have done in January, so I'm getting more fit if nothing else. I'm looking forward to when the snow melts because I'm going to start trail running. I'm hoping that it proves to be better for my knees, because the surface is softer, and I know it'll be safer for me and woof (as long as we don't cross any mama bears). We're going to try it out anyway, I just don't feel comfortable with running on the road. Knox is safe now playing in the yard, he doesn't venture near the driveway, and I just can't bring myself to make him use the driveway and end up on that horrible road. Hopefully it all works out for everybody.

Also I did all the things you have to do to go to blogher. Except packing. Did I mention that already? I've said a few times for different conferences "Oh, I think I'm going to go this year..." but I actually forked over money this time in return for emails assuring me I'll be getting on a plane and sleeping in a hotel and wearing a badge with my name on it. Maybe. So, if anyone out there has also forked the money and gotten the emails and would like to, you know, get together awkwardly and in person do let me know. It'll be just like a high school reunion but with fun!

slowly going feral

I sincerely need to get out of here. I just got instructions on weighing an envelope on the postage scale. Not only am I not a moron I have also been weighing mail all week and we haven't burnt down yet. I thought doing brainless menial labor would be super easy and painless but it turns out not so much. Like I thought being unemployed would mean that I would spend all day exercising and looking at lettuce for lunch. I should just take everything I think and do the opposite...like maybe vote republican and subscribe to cable. My personal assistant work might be out of the box but I'm never made to feel stupid and it's enough to sustain us. We won't get rich but we won't starve and we'll be able to pick up a second car that won't be so close to being redundant. We're actually thinking of going new, which goes against everything I believe in but if the math works that way what the hell?

So, how have you all been? I feel like I've been on a different planet lately, not having a computer to play on. I'm loving my pilates regimen, I don't think I look any different but I feel better. The positions are so much easier when you have a few sessions behind you, the success feeling is a really great motivator. I wish I had taken better notes as to when I started pilates a day because I definitely missed some days with travel and this insane job. I had such high hopes of charting my progress.

And also the pope goes to africa and says condoms aren't the answer to aids which is another reason I'm glad we stopped going to church. Useless, useless man.

"Probably just your garden-variety disaster."

The temp job is beyond boring and my evenings are filled with the very exciting tasks I used to spend all day doing, like laundry. Also my weekend. Saturday I spent a good deal of time cooking for the week. I was going to make soup but I made a last minute substitution for vegetarian chili...which came out really great. It's been hard having to pack a lunch that takes no time but is also filling and healthy and full of protein. I'm hoping to get back into broth soup soon but I might have to break down and buy some. Time is so limited now, it's funny how you forget how to schedule yourself for an eight hour work day. My priorities are walking the woof and getting pilates in every night so homemade soup might have to take a back seat while I'm working 8 hour days.

I'm already tired of the state of my house. I have NO IDEA how I kept up with the cleaning when I worked, I think maybe I had pathetically low standards so it didn't bother me. We seem to have so much going on right now. We're preparing for chickens and we have 40 maples tapped for sugar season. Some of them are ridiculously over tapped actually, because they're coming down after the season and you might as well make the most of their life force if you're going to cut them down in a month. It seems like there's so much to do right now which is exactly what happens when you sit around waiting for something to happen and then all of a sudden you don't care any more and a thousand things happen at once. Aaargh.

"We need to talk about your TPS reports."

So, my first day of full time temping was wednesday. The woman who was showing me my ropes suggested I bring a book...so I did. There was literally no one there on wednesday, one woman and none of the 5 calls I got were for her. So I read most of my book and brought it with me for the very last chapter on thursday. Everyone was there on thursday and still there was nothing for me to do, so, I read my book. The director would walk by every few seconds and say "do you have enough to do" and I would say "frankly, no, it's just not that busy". I get how he thinks I'm wasting his money, but sitting there sans book is equally unproductive and there are no customers...it's just an office...so there's no one to think I'm neglecting them. The girl I'm replacing broke her leg and she's waiting at home until she's well enough to sit at a chair with her leg elevated so she can come back. She'll be back in two weeks or less. There is simply no point in teaching me her job only to fuck it up for her to have to fix and also, for the pay I'm receiving I'm simply not going to kill myself to produce for them...just not going to do that. I guess I can't read a book on the day the director is there...perhaps a deck of cards...

Meow: that girl is leaving, leaving for EVER.

Woof: no, she'd never leave me. She loves me. She's only awake because she's being efficient today. That coat is for the cold...in the kitchen...

Meow: she's NEVER coming back.

Woof: sob sob sob...

Boring with a capital bore. Must schedule labotomy. Stat.

Dead like me

So, I have to go to work later. Actual work with phones ringing and papers to file...like Happy Time but less reapery. And I had such plans for today. What a bummer. I'm not entirely sure what to do about my jobs at the moment, this new one is temporary which is great but I'm not sure how it'll work with the other thing. It's not enough money to give up the other thing for but it fits my unemployment requirements, at least for the moment.

I've been waiting forever to get some kind of call and now I have and I'm finding my plans for the week dashed, how annoying! We were going to pick up seeds, and chickens and other things this week. My life as a farmer has been derailed *and just in, a call for a second interview for the previous job thing from last week*. When it rains it freaking pours. I'm suddenly feeling glad I ordered some grown up clothes with my jeans order...all of a sudden there are places and people to dress for and my vaguely professional wardrobe from my bank days is sadly depleted and or a size ten. The trials of working life...

pumperfickle

This weekend I made my very first bagels. It was actually easier than I thought but it takes forever, which is something to remember when I'm whining about the price of really good bagels. I was trying to make pumpernickel, which are my favorite and also elusive, but I can't read english so they're more of a golden rye in color. They taste the same though, because they are pretty much the same barring the color.

These are some pictures of the process, boiling, sitting, preparing to bake and after the oven.




They came out better than I would have thought for a first try, maybe a little too chewy. I had intended to make a half dozen but the key to the color in this recipe is using molasses instead of sugar and I added the sugar anyway...so they're half molasses and there are twelve of them...apparently that's how I deal with a cooking crisis, make double of something that could be a waste of time. It's fine though, they're yummy and they're in the freezer. I tried butter pretzels a few weeks ago, which were awesome...and now yummy pumpernickel bagels, and now matt has requested donuts. Heaven help me if they are a smash hit...the last thing we need is a constant supply of kickass donuts.

I'm 3 days into 30 days of pilates. I'm trying out josef pilates' 10 times and you feel better, 20 times you look better, 30 times you're a nubile cheerleader thing. I have to gate up the puppy and he cries and cries, he really wants to do pilates too. I had been trying (ie. not very hard) to get back into pilates but recently my shoulder started to really, really hurt. It did the same thing three years ago before I started doing pilates at all and the exercise made it better so, I'm trying harder to save myself the agony. It also helps with my "tennis elbow", funny the benefits of taking care of your muscles. Anyway, I'll keep you all updated on the nubile cheerleader thing...personally I'll settle for not being in pain anymore but I won't say no to the other.

"serious shit calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor."

The golden rule of dating is always if someone asks you on thursday for a date friday you're supposed to decline because you're so busy and popular and if they really valued your time they'd have planned ahead. I'm noticing a similar pattern in my job search. I have had two official interviews for two official jobs since I was laid off and every time I get a call to schedule it's always "Hey, can you come in tomorrow?". The calls always come weeks and weeks after the resume is mailed and it makes me think they had the perfect person and that person fell through and they're scrambling. What do you guys think? Am I reading too much in to it?

I obviously didn't get the first job, though I got a great referral out of the meeting, the second job interview was this morning so I'm officially waiting. I'm not sure I want this job, not that there is anything wrong with it...I'm just not sure about it. It's a perfectly reasonable job with reasonable pay but it conflicts with the other work I have accepted and I don't know what I'll do if they offer me the position. On the one hand a stable job with a decent wage is a rare thing and it would be difficult to turn it down. On the other I've been putting effort into making money in other ways and it feels premature to take something so...pedestrian. Alas, that decision is not my problem yet so why worry about it.

"Even slaves get minimum wage"

I am ill. I have a sore throat and a stuffy nose and terrible case of the whinies. You'd think that it wouldn't matter whether or not you're sick when you don't have a 9 to 5 but it does. I'm equally as annoyed as I would be if I had a job only there's no distraction so maybe I'm more annoyed and also I've taken a lot of drugs so my words they aren't making of the sense. I didn't sleep last night so this morning I took one of every pill that said daytime on it and it seemed to work. I'm completely unable to concentrate on how crappy I feel so I'm calling it success.

I'm tragically out of soup. I had been making a batch a week and with half cup servings it lasts a good long while. I should have made a batch yesterday but I had that hour and a half of work to do. You know how work can fill up a schedule. I should be cooking soup right now instead of blogging but probably I shouldn't be handling knives just now. Perhaps I can will the celery to chop itself? And the carrots. Nevermind...about that work I did...I think this part time job is going to be awesome. I didn't actually work yesterday...I just met the client and drank tea and ate cookies. I have an appointment with her on Sunday to eat brunch and go for a walk. THIS JOB FRIGGIN ROCKS! I wonder if I'll be able to handle taking money for hanging out with this lady, that might be the hardest part of the job.

how come you're not rich?

My response to Lauren's comment got so long I made it a post. The how I got out of debt story, by me. It's really long so, uhm, skip it if you don't give a shit about getting out of debt.

In theory you're supposed to write down everything you spend for a month and then look at it and be appalled. I did it a little bit differently, I added up all my bills and compared it to my paycheck which was relatively stable. It looked awful so the first thing I did was cut off my phone. A big important step is deciding what is and is not a necessity for you. The land line phone was not a necessity for me. I didn't have a home phone or internet for years. I used the library and my cellphone (which I kept for driving safety because I took a lot of long trips in crappy cars). Step two, drive a crappy car. You do not need a new car, not ever, I'm talking to you! You want it and that's ok as long as you can honestly afford it but it's totally a waste of money*.

Another non necessity is cable, I never had cable so I didn't have to cut that but I did keep netflix because it's cheap and I wanted to have something to do that was just for fun. Netflix was not a necessity, fun is not a necessity, but I decided that it was money well spent for me in my life. I also got a lot of movies from the library, and books obviously. I set up a grocery budget and I clipped coupons, and I never ate out, ever. I made a decision that financial freedom was worth more than new clothes and books and pizza...a huge thing was bottled drinks which seem so small in the moment, water or iced tea costs a dollar or more and so does a box of 50 tea bags...you do the math.

I tracked all my spending on a spread sheet, everything, and I used a checkbook register to keep track of spending on my discover card. The books say to always use cash and divide your budget money in to envelopes, if you have a serious plastic problem that's the way to go. I forced myself to pay off the discover card bill every month come hell or high interest so that was a good enough motivator for me but it's probably best to start with real money to get the hang of it. It can be really hard to stop spending. Like it's really hard to stop eating crap. You want it, you deserve it, it's just the one time...NO. The buck has to stop somewhere. If I really needed something I bought it used but it was rare that I spent money on things when I was still trying to really cut my debt.

The above is all about the outgoings and it's pretty simple, stop spending money on shit you don't need. The next of amy's principles of getting out of debt is making more money. I know, it's frickin' rocket science my approach but simple isn't always easy. My first summer of debt crushing I got a part time job. Every cent went to debt. Another way to make money is to sell your stuff. I sold a lot of my school books online, as well as movies and cds (half.com is a great place to sell and buy used items). I didn't have enough things I didn't need to have a proper yard sale but I did sell specific things to specific people. i.e. my extra iron to my old boss' son.

When you have your spending under control and you're pulling in as much money as you can, then you look at your debts. Do you have high interest cards, a low interest student loan (if such a thing exists anymore), make a list with all the information: balance, rate, any special terms. I used to get the no interest or low interest offers on cards I already had all the time. If you have an offer like that which beats your current terms this is the time to call your creditors and say make me a deal. Most people get credit card offers every day and the bank does not want to lose you. You have to be ready to walk though so only play hardball if you have a good alternative. It's not great for your credit score to open or close a lot of accounts but if you only have one card and their rate is insane, it's probably worth applying for a new card (preferably with benefits of some kind).

All of that takes time so begin by paying down the highest interest card while you work on moving things around. Many folks say paying off the smallest balance first is a good motivator but the math doesn't always work that way. Whichever method you chose, throw as much money as you can toward that card while paying the minimums on every thing else. When you have paid off one card or loan or whatever, you take every cent you were paying toward card 1 and add it to the minimum you were paying on the next debt. They call it a snow ball because the payment grows as each debt gets knocked down so by the last card you're putting a lot of money toward it and it's gone really fast.

And what do you do with the now paid off cards? Nothing. If it's too tempting to have them at hand, put them in a safe or the freezer in a block of ice. If the card is new or has a really low limit, cancel the bastard. If the card was your first card DO NOT CLOSE IT. Your credit history (however corrupt the system) depends on having actual history and if you close your older cards your history is permanently shortened. I have my oldest card in my wallet for the few times that somewhere I need to shop doesn't take discover. If you're trying to work on your credit report you want to keep an eye on the old card and use it once in a while and pay it off immediately...just so they don't close it on you. While you have a balance you are your banks best friend...when you owe them nothing they HATE you so don't expect favors from someone you aren't paying through the nose.

There is some debate about having an emergency fund while you're doing the debt snowball. An emergency fund is a cash account that has as much money as you might need in an emergency. A real emergency, not a shoe sale emergency. The idea is that if your car breaks down or you need a plane ticket home or whatever, you aren't adding to your debt to survive the emergency. I operated without an emergency fund and it was fine. I personally saw it as six on one side half a dozen on the other. My personal credit problem came from buying necessities and not plasma tvs so it was easier to halt unnecessary spending than most folks with a spending problem. For a lot of people putting a rental car on their credit cards because their car broke down is a slippery slope into armani and coach handbags. I accepted the risk that I would have to use credit if something very unexpected came up because I didn't want to look at money in the bank that wasn't paying down my debt.

Nothing ever did come up that I considered an emergency. Much like the expensive health insurance I had to have in case something happened. Nothing ever did happen so I switched to cheaper high deductible insurance that would only be valuable in a true emergency. Another thing to keep in mind above and beyond getting out of debt is maxing out your benefits at work. At my old, old job we had a 401(k) (cough) with an employer match (see, most of that money wasn't mine anyway...) health benefits, insurance benefits and fitness benefits. They actually gave employees money to use for fitness equipment. I bought a bike, a stair stepper, and about 10 fitness dvd's and I was one of only a few people in the whole company that used that benefit. Take advantage of your benefits to the fullest there is no reason not to.


*a word from your sponsor about value. It's foolish to assume that you will never have to buy something while you're getting out of debt or ever after. Frugal is about making good decisions, spending your money wisely. I.E. A good used car not only saves you money driving off the lot, you save on car insurance and registration tax too. Of course, you may have to pay for more repairs sooner on an older car but you won't be worrying over every scratch and bump in the road as does one who paid 5 grand more for a warrantee. As with all things, one must do their research. I do not advocate buying the cheapest thing in all situations. I used to work with someone who had way more debt than me and a very stupid husband who had what some call a poor mentality. Poor folks think rich folks buy what they want when they want it all the time, like a Paris Hilton. This is not true of most people who manage their money well. People who manage their money well research their purchases and make careful decisions. The couple of which I speak wanted a couch, they went to the cheapest store and bought a brand new couch, they were having a baby so one day at walmart he decided he had to have a digital camera for the baby, soon after on another spur of the moment walmart trip they bought a computer. When all was said and done they had a camera that wouldn't work with any computer on earth, a computer that couldn't hook up to the internet and a couch that became broken after three months. Buying the cheapest thing isn't always the smartest thing to do, save the money and do the research and buy something worth the money.

If you're so smart...

I just read this thing about the so called "expert of 401(k)'s" taking a withdrawal from her plan to help pay for her sons wedding. Is there any better example of what is wrong with our country in the way we think about money. I'm completely disgusted but I'm extra special sensitive about it because I just paid off all my debts...again...and I did it by closing my 401(k). A while back, I can't find the post to be sure of the date, I paid off every last cent of my ridiculous hand to mouth debt. This is the debt that grew while I was making 9 dollars an hour and paying 600 dollars in rent every month. This is the debt I paid off all alone and in secret because my dying mother in her drug addled state said I was a burden on the family. I'm not making excuses, I could have moved home and I didn't (because obviously) and the decisions that got me where I was were all mine. Alas, I asked for a raise and I sold a bunch of stuff and I stopped buying everything but food and moved apartments. I'm trying to say that I worked really hard to change my life and the way I think about and use money. It was really nice being out of debt.

So, you're wondering what I did to get back in to debt to have to close my 401(k) to resurface. It's very simple. I took a no fee, no interest loan on one of my cards to start an IRA. One of the things about having no assets or children is that you have no write-offs when it comes to doing your taxes. I started an IRA to avoid paying a big ass tax bill to George I'm an asshole Bush. I took a calculated risk. I knew that I wouldn't be fired from my low paying job and I knew that I spent a certain amount to live and the math worked perfectly to do the advance and pay it off before the rate went sky high. Then I got a much higher paying job and my life fell apart.

I recently had to really think about a job that had a starting pay of 8.50 an hour. Do I want the security of having a job or do I want to be worth more than 8 dollars an hour before taxes. That sort of thing happens a lot now that I'm looking for work and I'm having a hard time making the decision. I mention it because making more money was really hard on my budget mentality. It should have been really easy to pay off that IRA loan and I didn't make it a priority because there was so much money coming in. Even when I wanted to quit I didn't make it a priority to pay off the advance. I let go of discipline when I had more money, I didn't just let it go I threw it away, which makes me wonder if I'd be better off at a walmart pay grade.

A few months ago I was starting to run out of time on my free loan and run out of prospects of getting a new job so I closed the 401(k). As part of my calculated risk strategy I knew I'd always have the IRA if the fit hit the shan. I chose the 401(k) instead of the IRA because the IRA is in cd's and can't lose money. It will never make me rich but it won't lose anything. The 401(k) was not only losing money in the markets but was worth so little as to not be worthwhile to hold on to, and it gives me no tax advantages for 2008...so it got closed. 2009 will have the deck stacked against it tax-wise, which is why I'm saving my ass off this year.

I'm looking at it like I made a decision and it went badly and I took the consequences. It's nice to be free again, it's nice to have a second chance to not be a moron. It's against all the rules of being in debt to use retirement money to pay yourself free. It's also against all the rules of common sense to lose money on an investment and a debt at the same time. Suffice to say when my time ran out I'd be paying %16 interest...no investment is making that rate right now with the possible exception of white slavery. Recently I looked at my checking account and there is a lot of money in it. I was forced back into my budget and now I have the cash to make an IRA deposit without using credit, at least enough to lower my tax burden. As much as I wish Mr. Obama good luck, I don't want to pay him 1,000 dollars when I could save it for the future.

"Just dealin', growin', doin' a little Pilates."

My favorite jeans which I had described as worn are now officially holey and that sucks when it's 16 degrees. I hope the new jeans are made of magic because this is a very difficult loss. The old jeans, they gave me an ass to be proud of...I loved them so. I hope there is some denim in the mail today so I can face this crisis sooner rather than later. I hope I have an advantage in that puppy and I have been hiking every day and my assets might be improving on their own. I have noticed no change in my waist unfortunately but my legs are awesome. I am literally in awe of them. They're hiker legs now. Why does that sound dirty?

Anyway, yeah, I'm getting to that place in my exercising life where I can feel the difference when I don't go for a long, uphill walk. Puppy and I went for a visit to my family and we had a whole two days with no hike and I thought my muscles were on strike. We had two good jogs but it just wasn't the same. We actually spent a lot of time walking around my sister's neighborhood because her poor kids are terrified of the dog. Kids that last spring held boa constrictors and petted alligators wouldn't come within feet of the puppy. Only the baby got close enough to pet him. They actually had some nice moments playing in puddles together and he very gently stole a stick she was playing with. Otherwise the visit was a nightmare.

My nephew has this friend who was very badly hurt by a small dog when he was a baby (you know how people with dogs the size of sewer rats don't think they have to train them because they're so little...well, that's ridiculous and dangerous) and has a justifiable fear of dogs. It would probably serve him well if his parents helped him work on this fear instead of feeding it but that's none of my business. The my business part of the story is that he's convinced my sisters kids that dogs are evil and had my nephew pretend shooting at my puppy and calling him vicious. What happens when he tells all the kids at school that there was a vicious dog at his house? Will we banned from his neighborhood? I don't know but it frightens me. I'm also frightened about the kids reactions to him in general. If they scream and run and kick at a genuinely dangerous dog they're going to be severely hurt. Learning to behave around animals is a life skill as far as I'm concerned, whether they turn out to be dog lovers or not.

not sure what she needs the mace for...

"stop picking at that it'll just get worse"

I'm making my arrangements for blogher. It is killing me. I am dying over spending money to fly in an airplane and stay in a hotel and meet people. DYING. But I really want to go and this is the year of doing Amy things even if it does mean we're broke. Matt suggested we save 50 bucks a week and then I'll be all set. The food budget is also 50 dollars a week. So, obviously I'm going to be very skinny by july and matt will be dead so then I'll have his life insurance money and what a brilliant plan! Or I could get a job.

Actually I have another job meeting tomorrow and there are some really good prospects coming up. This is why I had to purchase some clothes that aren't falling apart. The job I'm meeting about is a casual assistant type job but probably not a jeans with holes in it type job. I've applied for some other part time office positions and I'm signed up with the temp agency...I'll have you know I type 73 words per minute. I didn't know anyone cared about typing speed anymore, it seems so 1960 to strive for typing speed. I have vague memories of my brother taking a typing course but I can't remember why...do you need to type well to work at Wendy's?

too much snow

The loose powder on top of the three feet of packed snow is now almost three feet deep which means that the snow is now taller than me. I tried snowshoeing but I kept tipping over...so I trudged a path up the hill for puppy and I to take our walks. IT WAS AWFUL. Very much like quicksand but colder. I fell in up to my arms at least twice...good for the arm muscles bad when the puppy eats your head. The whole walk was excellent cardio, I don't think I've ever felt my heart beat that fast before. We're going up again this afternoon when the pup wakes up from his nap.

I bought some clothes today. I am almost at the anniversary of leaving the bank and starting that stinky job and that was the last time I bought a pair of jeans. Those jeans still fit but they're getting worn so I cashed in my discover points and I ordered a few pairs. I ordered from American Eagle who have the best fit for my size and are all on sale for under 30 bucks...and I ordered from the Gap because sometimes I get lucky with their cuts. The big decision will be when they arrive because I don't need more than one pair in this size. A few weeks ago I bought a skirt from the Gap for 3 bucks which I just loved...in a size 14. I told myself that I was only buying the 14 because it was really cute and cheap but the truth is that if it was a 12 I'd have left the store empty handed. I'm pushing the edges of my safety size and it's not a good thing. It's a bad thing, a very bad thing. It's terrible when your clothes betray you.

Because the right to drive your atv to Denny's is not written in the constitution

I love this man, the state of maine can take their right of way and eat it.

"I can't eat plain ass vegetables all day, I'll get weak and die."

I am drinking a soda because my throat hurts. My throat hurts because I've been hollering in despair because the animals are fighting. I am feeling like a very bad person on both counts. I'm not actually yelling at them, but me wailing turns their attention. I just locked them both in the bedroom to figure it out for themselves. Very bad person. Actually it worked, I think I shocked them into submission...for the time being anyway. I'm a little argh today because the power has been out all day and all last night. It's not so much the fact that the power is out it's the possibility of the waterline freezing again that I can't stand...but that didn't happen. None of the food defrosted and became trash. No frozen limbs fell on house or car. I missed an appointment at a temp agency which is unfortunate but not the end of the world, it was certainly better to miss it than to show up unshowered.

Every year I think about going to blogher and every year I don't and now that I have exactly no money I think I'm actually going to go. Time always seems to be a problem, and getting off work is a problem and I decided that as my own boss I would grant myself the time off. If I start selling my plasma now I should be flush by july. This is one of the reasons I'm so looking forward to temp work rather than a regular job...just the tiniest bit more flexible. At least in my head if not in actual fact.

Anyway, damn. This day has been awful. Who knew that doing nothing but read a book all day could knock you on your ass. I should have made that drink a rum and coke, seriously.

sleeping on the job

rolo brownies

When I was a kid my best friend loved Rolos. Rolos and twizzlers were the sleepover candies of choice. Twizzler brownies would be beyond disgusting so...caramel. They're pretty damn good.

"trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money."

There is some debate as to whether hiking through snow or snowshoeing burns more calories. Snowshoeing burns about 10 calories a minute, I have no such info on snow hiking except to say that I felt equally if not more sweaty after today's hike. We got about 2 feet of soft snow on top of our trail and it's now completely invisible. Why is that important, well it isn't except that every once in a while I stepped on a soft spot and ended up in snow up to my ass. Which is annoying, as per previous post. I've gotten stuck in the snow a few times, once wearing Matt's boots with no socks and I could not get the damn boot out of the snow so I had to walk back to the house half barefoot and he had to get an axe and dig his boot out. Poor boyfriend, no rest for the weary. Also, a personal lesson for the masses, always wear socks because you never know when you'll have to go all survivor man in your backyard.

In other news, I'm baking brownies today with caramel centers. This is one of those times when you're not sure if you want the recipe to work or not because it could be devastating either way. They're for a birthday party I can't afford a present for. Calories, the gift that keeps on giving. I'm doing a similar thing for my sister's birthday only with marshmallow and coconut, apparently it's like a bounty bar but in a cake...how could she not be thrilled? South beach be damned.

I'm going to try and visit my sister with both the cake and the puppy which should be interesting. One of them will have to be in the trunk. She's graciously allowing us to stay with her because my dad will have a cardiac event if puppy sets paw in his house. He's always telling me about the dog that followed him into church when he was an alter boy and the one that knew his paper route better than he did but he's a bit too into his possessions to have a furry running off with them. Not that I blame him, it's just a situation to avoid. Since I might be of the employed soon I need to start using my time to my advantage and get my visiting on. I'm really very busy for a lay-a-bout.

Frankly I'm annoyed

I am right now looking at the Bangor Rye Rolls that I bought Saturday which have developed white mold sometime between this morning and 3 this afternoon. It's very upsetting. Essentially I paid 2.99 for one sandwich roll. And this is why you take no prisoners when it comes to using the freezer because I seriously can't afford to lose 5 out of 6 rolls. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, Valentine's day went very well. The pizza came out the cake came out the cinnamon rolls definitely came out, it was a very carbfull weekend.

There have been a few interesting things going on around here. One, it seems you can't license your dog at the town office. No, you can show up at the town office and the woman on the cell phone will eventually tell you that you could register your car here but you can't register your dog, you have to drive to the town clerk's house. Who knew? Anyway, that's insane so I have an appointment with the town clerk at the actual town office to spend 6 whole dollars licensing my dog. It can't be worth it, it just can't.

What else has been going on...oh, I might have a really cool job. I definitely have some cool writing opportunities and I'm definitely making some strides in cooking healthy food for myself. I have made two decisions regarding cooking in my house. First, I'm switching to green tea. I used to drink only green when I was doing my very best at this so I'm switching back. And then I'm going to start serving soup with every meal. Broth based soups before a meal are supposed to be the bomb so that's what I'm going to do. I have a few really good soup recipes I've been using but pretty much you can put whatever you have around in the pot and there's no waste and it's always tasty. Two things I'm going to try to do, two little things that I feel really good about. That and registering the dog...

Valentine's Day 2009

Obviously this year we aren't going to be celebrating valentine's day with roses and dinner out and champagne. My valentine's day surprise from Matt is another year's worth of Martha Stewart Living and his present will be slavish devotion and copious amounts of heart shaped food. Technically we're going out friday night as a sort of a business dinner regarding that job proposal thing so Saturday really has to be on budget. In other years I would have considered filet mignon...this year I'm thinking pizza...but shaped like a heart...obviously...unless I find a hidden steak in the freezer because nothing says love like frozen beef.

I think the pizza will be fun and the right dinner for a night doing boyfriend things like watching Smokey and the Bandit and eating popcorn with too much butter. Dessert however is the star of the evening and will probably be a flourless chocolate cake. It's been ages since I've made one and they're yummy and decadent and should put a gold star on our valentine's day without me having to buy anything we don't already have. Are you having a thrifty valentine's day too? What are your plans?

"I'm beginning to feel like a potted plant."

Lately I've been trying to understand more about my small town so Knox and I have been taking walks "downtown". There isn't really a downtown, there's a post office which isn't actually in my town and a town hall. The road is quieter and it was especially warm today so we went for a long walk. During what should have been the middle of our walk today I saw a truck back directly into my car. There was a loud bump and the car shook. And then the truck started to drive away. Knox and I ran and waved at the truck and he backed up. He rolled down his window and asked me why I was motioning him. Why indeed? There isn't much damage, just a crack to the light cover. I was probably a little more upset than I should have been. It's possible that I freaked on this old man a little bit but how in the world could he not feel something that I saw from 20 yards away?

I called Matt and he said he could fix it with glue and it's no big deal and I'm sure he's right and I know my car is a piece of shit really but it's the only one I have and I can't replace it. I think that's what was so shocking as I drove home, the thing that made me almost cry, how trapped I am right now. It used to be that if something happened to my car it would force my hand to buy a new one, now if something happened to my car I'd be screwed. I don't like how that feels and I especially don't like how it made me holler at an old man with a combat wound veteran plate. He probably didn't deserve my freak out. I'll have to write him a letter, send him some brownies.

"just a flesh wound"

Puppy survived his neutering. Actually, he passed with flying colors. He didn't even notice that I left and was thrilled to see me when I got there. He is already back to his old self, barking at the kitty, working for treats, licking the memory of his manhood. Actually I have to call them later, they gave him a bath and his whites have never been so white! Matt suggested they used bleach but somehow I doubt it.

I have another meeting about a job. A part time job that could be really fun but little money. It's good timing because my friend has just asked me if I'd like to share a super cheap office space in ellsworth. I'd really like to but practically I might have to work all those part time hours just to pay the rent there and if we sign a lease then I would be a bit trapped financially. Unless having an office to work in is the be all end all of productivity for me. There are lots of things to think about.

"bred for looks"

There is an evil woman in ellsworth, a woman who suggested my dog was bred to be stupid and is also "delicate". I think she's the one who was bred to be stupid, not that I'm defensive about my puppy or anything. I called Matt right away to complain to him and he was mad too, so the outrage is helping us bond. He was house broken at 8 weeks, he sits, lays, stays and comes when called EVERY SINGLE TIME, you and your over bred labrador can bite me. His only problem in the whole world is barking at the cat and sometimes she deserves it so that one is a tricky call. Long story short I'm sensitive about my dog and that woman was a ho.

In other news, since I had to give up running for the winter I've been kicking some snow shoeing ass. We have more than three feet of snow, daunting for both me and puppy to hike in so we've taken up snow shoeing. We have a pretty nicely packed trail now, he is able to bound back and forth along the trail and thanks to some rain a few storms back he can walk on most of the snow without snow shoes of his own. Making the trail is kicking my ass, we're both beat by the time we get home. We push forward a little more every day and now we have about 2 miles of snow track.

I am grateful to my unemployment for the time to take up snowshoeing and the puppy to accompany me. This time has been really awesome in a lot of ways. I'm learning a lot about myself and what I really need to be happy. I'm spending time on my resumes and some of them will be worthwhile jobs if I were to get them but being home is good for me too. There are so many things I've always wanted to do and never made the time and now I'm making the time for the things I am able to do and it's really good for me.

I've been watching the last project runway, what 2 years after it aired?...and I'm thinking about taking my sewing into clothing. I made a few pieces in high school, looking back I chose ridiculously hard things that didn't inspire me to keep going. The nightgowns I made for the kids were very easy and quick and there's no reason I can't try to make more of my own clothes. There are times when I see a perfect skirt or dress and think "if it was only like this..." I have nothing to lose by trying so that's my next goal. I've made a few more quilts and my seams keep getting better. I'm working on a new large quilt for our room and then I'm on to clothes...unless I get a job in the meantime.

Tell me how you really feel

nanny state fanny state

Apparently it's a big deal that facebook has ads for weightloss gimmicks. How shocking! People trying to make money off other people's insecurities! No other company ever did that! It's ironic that I just read an article about how terrible it is that facebook wants to start charging for their services. It seems you can't win if you're facebook, they're not allowed to take ads from paying buyers and they can't ask customers for money. I hate to sound like a D.A.R.E. officer but seriously if people click on those ads the company will make money and they'll run more ads, it's a just say no situation. Or maybe a get over it situation.

I truly don't understand this modern need to protect the masses from their own mistakes. The children at the local school aren't allowed to play in the snow because they might fall. Who decided that life was too dangerous to live and why do we all buy in to it so easily? I honestly don't want to be a part of a culture that supports keeping children standing stock still in a frozen playground rather than letting them play and then denies them the occasional cookie because they're too fat from being encouraged to stand around or stay inside all the time.

Life wasn't always like this. Hardly one hundred years ago if you fell down playing and broke your arm you learned to be more careful or at least the fact that life is sometimes painful but you survive. It's a sad thing that we work so hard to make life easier, there is a definite lack of character in people today. Maybe I'm heartless but I think we're killing ourselves with unnatural selection. If you are a person who doesn't know that clicking the blinky blink "lose all your fat yesterday!" icon is a bad idea you deserve to get fleeced. I don't think those people need our protection. I think making mistakes and learning from them is a part of life, an important part of life. It's a harsh reality that getting what you want isn't what life is about and it's even harsher that some people make their living propagating the myth.

I don't yet think the human race is so stupid that literate people with access to the internet need violent protection from ads on facebook. There has to be a more worthy cause somewhere, even fighting pedophiles on myspace is a better use of time or visiting your local nursing home if you really want to make an actual difference in someone's life. I'm beginning to think personal computers are the root of all evil, what other medium allows people to to pander and protect the insecurities of so many.

"I never liked drinking milk, I hate cows."

Things are crazy and I've got nothing to say about it, or so it seems from the lack of blogging. There really isn't that much going on when I think about it rationally but I seem completely unable to process and deal so it feels extra crazy. I didn't get the job with the nun, the water froze again and the puppy is teething. I have a lot of things that I want to be working on that aren't getting done and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm supposed to do my taxes today, it's on my list. And send out some resumes. And bake something with bananas. The ands could go on and on if I let them but I think I'll stop here before I work myself into a medication required frenzy.

I'm trying to focus on positive things today so...I am feeling positive about redecorating my house. Mostly I'm just boxing up and storing a bunch of things I'm tired of, wall art and books that don't need to be at hand and lots of other things that just exist in my house without real need. I never thought I'd have enough stuff for a yard sale but I think I'm close and there's a great appeal in emptying out and starting over. I'm rearranging all the pictures and putting up a lot of new ones we've taken over the summer. I bought a new printer a few weeks ago to print resumes and make copies as needed for jobs and it prints beautiful photos too so I'm putting them up in the house. It's good for the morale to have a new clean looking space, it's helping me clear my brain.

I'm also feeling positive about our new debt free status. Matt's parents made him a very generous present and we're officially in the financial clear. It makes our budget living much more doable, perhaps there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel but it's not particularly dark either. I feel safer knowing the status quo, particularly as we're raising our pet spending. I made the mistake of googling the contents of our puppy food and now he's starting a fancy expensive natural food. Supposedly the critters eat less of the good food than they did of the less good food to get the same nutrients so it should even out. The cat will be switching too, once she's done her ginormous bucket of crunchies. I never realized how little she eats until we got the puppy. She is also much shorter than I ever realized, and lighter...I never thought I'd think of her as tiny.

"You're an embarrassment to Nature. Ya know that?"

One hundred and twenty dollars later we have water. The well line froze wednesday and Matt stayed home so we could spend all day swearing and running hot water through the pressure washer. We finally got it flowing and left it dripping ( I absolutely swear I left it on) and this morning it froze again. Matt was already at work this time so he called in his dad and brother to hook me up. They just left and the water is once again flowing. I've left two taps running this time so the well will probably be dry before it has time to freeze again. I have a few things to clean up downstairs from the great well line debacle and then I'm going to take a nap. Puppy and I are both beat from today's activities and we're both starting our afternoon naps. Gosh, how many times have I posted that lately?

Calm, assertive, terrified he's going to choke himself

When we brought puppy home we were so unprepared we had to stop at walmart for puppy supplies with the new puppy drooling and freaked and waiting in the car. If you think you're going to visit an adorable puppy and not come home with that puppy, you are crazy. So for heaven's sake do yourself a favor and ask the breeder what kind of food they're eating before hand...you can always take it back. We were unprepared in other ways too so I ordered the first season of the dog whisperer on netflix and we waited to be enlightened. I got the first disc and there were a lot of episodes and pretty much they're all the same. Not that I wasn't touched by that snarling chihuahua in the first story...the one with the inexplicably large dog penis...that was very touching. They're all touching but pretty much the same, be calm and assertive and lead the pack and teach with the neck strap thing.

We're only having a few problems, pretty much barking at the kitty which causes hissing from the kitty and then more barking. I'm anxious to get this problem solved before he's big enough to get at all her high ground safe spots and also so she can have a normal life again...sort of. Since he's still a baby I had hoped we could correct the behavior with distraction and word commands. The word commands have actually started to work, but only after the problem occurs and really I'd like it to not happen at all. He's already doubled in size and yesterday he jumped at her when she was in my arms...so today we're trying out the leash thing.

I turned his leash around and he's wearing it above his collar. We have still had some barking but it's really been much better than the other mornings. We had morning treats almost right next to each other and there was no fighting. The peanut gallery has been telling Matt that she has to assert her dominance and blah blah and it's not that I think they're wrong but she's a quarter of his size now and he needs to learn to ignore her before it's a huge problem and not just annoying. When he learns to ignore her properly then I'll pull out the spray bottle and teach her about hissing at the puppy. I have seen them peaceful together enough times to believe that it's possible for them to co-exist with the right boundaries. But seriously, I'm not watching any more dog whisperer, can't take anymore...

Urban Legend

I love buying dog toys. I liked buying the little sheep so much that I bought a larger sheep to be his friend. His, uhh, very close friend. I'm trying not to be a dog spoiler, I've only bought him a few toys but we got several as gifts and he is drowning in things to kill. However, I think we really need one of these...probably the jackalope but they're all fun.

I just finished watching the PBS special about Fat from a few years ago. I really liked it. It wasn't all "lose the weight or the fat will kill you", it was very balanced I thought. I feel like I sometimes get stuck in these ruts like "life doesn't start until you're skinny" or "if you didn't eat that one thing you'd be thinner now". I thought things would be easier with no job and tons of time and I never really considered that I wouldn't make losing weight my number one priority. I have had other priorities and that's ok, I don't have to be on a seek and destroy mission 24 hours a day because that isn't something I can keep up forever.

I've been getting a lot of compliments lately, about how I've lost so much weight. I have gained since my last birthday and that's been really upsetting me...how much time I've lost. That's what it feels like, time lost. It's been a very big year in my life and all I can think about is how much I weigh. Do I want to be remembered for trying to lose weight my whole life or for something more important. Sometimes I do think that there is nothing more important and sometimes I come to my freakin' senses and realize there is more to life than that.

Knox is really helping me with getting more out of my life. I have more to think about than what I'm eating for lunch and I have a better reason for getting out every day. We watched a Nature documentary about dogs last night and I feel even more passionate about developing his little furry life. We're making play dates and taking classes and deepening our commitment to each other. Puppy doesn't care about how fat I am as long as I keep up with him and I can so why am I feeling so down. I honestly feel that if I didn't worry so much about what I'm not supposed to eat and concentrated on the things I can do my life would be better. I don't know if I can turn it off, the thing in your head that tells you no and yes at the same time but I'm going to try. I'm going to concentrate on living for awhile. There seems no value in telling yourself you're going to have a good day and then one thing goes wrong and you decide it's a bad day and you start over again. I've done it long enough so I'm just going to take myself off that track for awhile. We're going to run and hike and have fun and move on and see what happens. I'm taking a vacation from my brain and food. Wish me luck!

wash day

Everybody got baths today. Knox took it much better than the Chairman, he can be bought with treats but she has no price. I love how skinny her legs are, I forget it's just the fur that makes her look like a tank.

"a skirt that goes down to the floor" "I bet that skirt's been down to the floor"

Today I had my first interview since I got laid off. I hadn't thought about that until I got the call last night. Last night for a this morning interview...but then you can't say no to a nun. It could be a fun job, a fun oh my god is this hard job but a fun job none the less. I called my sister after "the call" and asked her what you wear to see a nun and she said "a skirt, a skirt that is below the knee". So I wore a wool skirt and my kick ass boots and she said I present myself very well. She's a very kind nun, definitely the sort of nun you can work for. I was really apprehensive about going but it turned out to be really good for my self esteem. I should get dressed up and go scouting for compliments more often.

Exercise here has been sort of hard lately. Puppy is terrified of the road and the snow is now too deep for us to hike. I suppose we'd both get plenty of exercise going about fifteen feet but it might break both our spirits. The snow is so deep and fluffy that he just sort of paddles through it. Which is amusing but also sad. He runs up and down the solid plowed banks but if he falls into the soft snow he's stranded. Matt has had to haul him out a few times, it's like fishing for puppies.

Everyone is sleeping and I feel like I should be using my time better but everything I would do is so loud and I think we all really need a nap. I should probably take a nap too, take advantage of the quiet time. Actually that sounds awesome, peace out.

"I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

The animals are sleeping within 4 feet of each other, thanks mr. obama! Things are very slowly getting back to normal at home, for which I am grateful because the left half of my face is still numb FOUR hours after my dentist appointment. FOUR HOURS LATER. The dentist highly recommended I stick to a liquid diet until full feeling returned and since he is the dentist that provided the most thorough numbing sensation I have ever not felt I trust his recommendation completely. I have been sticking to soda and tea and I'm running out of liquids which provide nourishment sans chewing and I'm starving. The screwed up blood sugar could be the reason for all the capitalization.

I'm rocking the same weight which I should find as a success because the last two weeks have been a little crazy plan wise. Crazy as in there have been no plans at all really. Like today, I've known I was going to the dentist this morning to have drilling and such done for two months and yet I made no plans for soft foods or the like...so instead I had about three days worth of calories in soda and sweet tea...make that a day and a half...you miss your mouth a lot when it's tingly and missing.

"that's what she said"

I would like to announce to the world a very important discovery I made yesterday, doing pilates on a hardwood floor SUCKS and then you die. I died yesterday of hardwood floor pilates. My spine is maimed, permanently. And I couldn't watch the inauguration because I don't have tv so we listened to npr and it was awesome and I totally loved michelle's gloves. That's the best observation I can make that won't cause tears. Seriously, they cut to a group in chicago singing "this little light of mine" and I couldn't stop crying. It's tomorrow now and I still want to cry thinking about it. If I didn't have a puppy trying to eat my toes right now I'd probably be in a ball in the corner. All I can think about is how there were no tomatoes being thrown or newly inaugurated presidents getting into their bullet proof cars during the traditional walk and speeding off to the white house like a kid who lost his ball. I feel so much better already just having heard the ex-presidential helicopter flutter away into the distance. That was the best thing I ever heard on the radio.

"Everybody stop getting shot"

You know, it's a wonderful thing to wake up to take the puppy out and see that it is 13 degrees and not -13 degrees. Last week we'd spend all morning looking forward to the noon high, 6 degrees...8 degrees and then watch it dip back to -20 by dinner. This whole above zero thing is a welcome relief. I don't feel cold at all now when I go out side, this is a tropical vacation in my brain. Of course, in exchange for the warmth we have received also the snow. Oh my god the snow.



All year when it rains here everyone says "just think if that were snow it would be 50 feet" well, if this were rain we'd be gathering two of every animal. As you can see, the snow is now deeper than the puppy and he's not so sure about it.

Our meal budgets are going so well we've decided to get a new tv in the oh my god circuit city is closing sales, no not really. I imagine I'll prove too cheap to actually buy one, but we have been talking about it for awhile. Clearly we don't need one, but it seems like the time to check them out. We're thinking about setting up a downstairs exercise area using the old tv, somewhere the pupster won't eat my pilates mat. You see how it's a positive tv purchase rather than a sit on your butt tv purchase. It's a tv purchase for good instead of evil, obviously.

"brick by brick she's building a madhouse"

oh, coupons indeed. coupons can be great until you find yourself saving bundles on things you'll never use and didn't need in the first place. I do use coupons but I have a rule to only ever clip them for something I would normally pay full price for. Everything suggested are things we, being I, already do. I stock, I do tons of home made and we don't usually throw anything away (except for today because I made some refried beans a while back and I burned them something awful and I was forcing myself to eat them even though beans only cost 52 cents a bag but holyshit are they gross and I needn't suffer for 52 cents a bag so in the trash they went).

I'm not really worried about the 50 dollars a week. I know I can do it because I have done it many many weeks in a row. I'm simply nervous because I've never been so broke that I couldn't have some leeway with food. We're not so poor that I can't stock up on things or buy organic milk and yogurt, we're just practicing economy. I made a list of the costs of our meals and there are quite a few that come in under the dollar twenty I got from my equation freeing up some money for fancy expensive meals, maybe even two dollars.

I'm trying to school Matt about the food budget because it's never been his money before and he seems to think I can do everything I've been doing and spend less. We spend almost ten dollars a week on ice cream and butter and juice, all things Matt's need that Amy's don't and I could spend less on generic and margarine but when I suggest it he says, no. So, there's a lot of schooling to do. Not to say that we don't do generic, it's not about the generic because we do buy a lot of generic and he was raised on generic and powdered milk and margarine. He's not being a snob, he has crohn's and some foods make him feel better than others and it's certainly cheaper to be healthy and eat healthier food than to pay for doctors. I just have to lay things out carefully. If we want two gallons of ice cream and real butter we will have more meals with ground beef instead of steak and more chicken thighs instead of breast.

It means nothing to me because I don't eat any of that food, except for the butter. Most of my meals are already under the $1.20 per person per meal, because they're vegetarian. Little does Matt know he will be eating more vegetarian dinners for the sake of his ice cream. Life is full of sacrifices. I'm actually rather glad I wrote about this. I was feeling really nervous about the money, oh my god that's not enough!!! but when I looked up the costs of most of our foods and did the math it's really no problem at all. I'm so glad I did the research, I feel so much more calm.

money isn't everything until you don't have any

Matt and I made a decision in December to start living off his paycheck in January even though I'm still getting unemployment benefits. It has become apparent that a new job won't be easy to come by and it will be good for us to practice living within the means we will have when my unemployment runs out. It is very, very tight, but not un-doable. We wrote down everything, as you do, the fixed monthly bills, the monthly amounts of yearly bills, budgeted amounts for the unfixed bills. Pretty much that last one is food, for people and pets, and sundry items from walmart or target.

Obviously the puppy adds to our budget, food, toys, grooming supplies...he and the meow have to get by with 20 dollars a month each. Vet bills aren't included so this will be an out of savings issue once my benefits run out. There is no allotment for clothing so I can't change sizes at all, not that this is terribly likely, until I get a new job. There will be no new movies or books purchased, which is what the library is for anyway. I'm really fine with all of this, up to here. I've lived with tighter budgets while actually working so at least I have time to cook and garden and the possibility for paying work to improve things.

The part that worries me is the grocery section of the budget. I've always tried to spend around 50 dollars a week, which is what we've budgeted for the present. The difference is that in the past if there was a sale or something to stock up on, I did it with no problem because I really did have the money. Now, for all practical purposes I do not have the money. Stocking up is what makes it possible to live off of 50 a week for two people for three meals a day for seven days. I have staples and a full freezer and so the 50 bucks goes mostly for milk, eggs, juice sort of things...and produce.

It's very close as it is and Matt would like me to fit things like garbage bags and toilet paper in to the 50 dollars a week. I'm a little worried about that. With no paper towels or the like, 50 divided by two by 7 by 3 is about one dollar and nineteen cents per meal. That's cheap. Really, really cheap. Possibly cheaper than I am capable of being and if we do need toilet paper that week it might be what we're eating for dinner two nights a week. I'm a little worried about it but Matt isn't because he doesn't do the grocery shopping. Although last night he ran out of ice cream and it's not in the budget to buy more because he asked me to get some vacuum bags this week. Maybe it will be a practical lesson in home economics for him and I'll get 10 dollars more for charmin.

"Oh my god, we've been robbed!"

We really must sort this out before puppy is big enough to a. rest his head on the table or b. eat her in one bite. The meow has hardly set paw on the floor this week. She spends all of her time on the table, or the breakfast bar watching the puppy bark at her. The vet wasn't responsive to my suggestion of pet prozac, maybe you have to work on being friends for more than one week before you get narcotics. Shame.

As per being robbed, everything we own is in the garage. Well, most everything. We have moved all the things we care about that puppies can destroy to safer location. Books, dvd's, some furniture...there isn't much we care about but it is easier to move them than to be upset about their destruction, plus the space! Our living room has been getting smaller and smaller since we moved in and it's nice to put some things away. I don't need every book I had in college at my fingertips and Matt doesn't need his smelly, dusty 1954 encyclopedias next to the couch...not that I hate them with all my being or anything. I would love a clean empty house if I didn't also love things so much. Life is so hard.

Speaking of things that are hard, I did my fancy job test thing today. It was painful. Not the test, the process. An hour we sat there doing nothing while mr. how did I get this job tried to find papers and maps and pencils. We sat for another half hour and then the test was half an hour. Half an hour for 28 questions. I sat for 15 minutes waiting for the time to run out and the people on both sides of me didn't finish. But it doesn't matter because you ONLY HAVE TO GET 10 RIGHT! That's a 32 percent average. I know for a fact that I got every single question right, so I better get a frickin' offer.

"it's not a prison, it's just a country"

I love January in blogland. So many new faces, inspiring and supporting each other...the humanity. It's always a gamble as to how many will stick it out but I'm hoping for the best. We all hope for the best and work for the best, why not be positive about all the new comers. I'm working on positive, positive is the word of the day, or the week or whatever. I'm going to be positive about the fact that my diet is better than ever but I'm slowing gaining, I'm going to be positive about the puppy trying to eat the floor, I'm going to be positive about this job thing I'm doing on wednesday. It's governmenty and temporary, but lucrative and fun sounding. Matt and I did the budget thing this weekend and yes, we can totally survive on his pay even with a puppy that eats the floor but it will be no fun at all. Better than death and plague but not something to look forward to. I must step up the job thing even if it's a crappy job. Sigh.

songs I run to that make my friends cry, volume two

The first list was so popular, what with the mocking, that I decided to up the ante. These songs are, if possible, even more loathsome than the first set and yes I love them even more. It's simply shocking that no one wants to run with me except my dog.

Sweet Child of Mine

it's getting Hot in Herre so take of all your fur...

Crazy

David Duchovny

# 41

"Don't worry. I made bail."

Today I applied for a job, i ordered a pair of expensive boots to keep my paws dry when I take the pup out for tuckeration, I made some red velvet cupcakes and I weighed in at my previous low weight (thank christ). I didn't tucker the pup enough though because he's finally paying back the kitty for all her hissing his first day home...he will not stop barking at her. Without provocation even, so rude. We seem to have gotten the chewing under control. All of my favorite things are covered in towels because he seems to like that nasty spray. It looks crazy in here. I'm moving all the books and things I can't hide or cover and soon we'll be stuck with a spoon and two magnets on the fridge. What can you do.

Clearly I need to keep him outside for longer, which will be good for both of us...thus the boots. I went with a pair of sorel's, what do you think? I'm hoping they're as waterproof as they say because I've soaked through my plain old leather boots every day this week. I looked at Bogs too, which are definitely waterproof but stylin' in a different way and a few of the reviews said they're too warm over 40 degrees. I wanted something waterproof to go from winter snow to spring mud but I might just pick up some of those cheapie plastic rainboots for the spring. Something you can ride hard and put away wet, because they're so damn cheap you just don't care. Footwear opinions desperately sought.

Nothing is really new in this new year. I don't feel any different knowing it's 2009. I'm trying to get an action plan together with some goals and all that and I need to work harder on it. Cooking and cleaning takes a lot of time but I don't think my house is any cleaner or the food any better than when I had a job so what the fark am I doing with my extra hours? I hate the feeling that time is being wasted away, hours and days and weeks of my life with nothing to show for it. Today, in addition to my list above, I made several important phone calls about paperwork things that need to be settled. Accounts I need to close and meetings I need to set up. Matt found me a master gardener's class to take this winter and he's been asking me every day did I call. I finally remembered and they're sending me an application. I still feel sort of in a holding pattern because a lot of these things don't start until spring, particularly the gardening.

Gardening isn't something that comes naturally to me, not really, but it's one of the things we're going to do to offset my joblessness. One, we can grow a lot of our own food and that will save money and be yummy, and two if there's enough excess of the right quality we'll join the farmer's market and sell it. We've ordered about twenty new trees for the orchard too but that's sort of a long term plan. We'll be planting cherries and pears, peaches and some black walnuts too. There's something else but I just don't remember. I'd like to add some blueberries...indestructable bastards that they are...but I'm not sure where I want them and they can be difficult to relocate. You leave a snip of root in the earth and you'll have a full crop next year...tasty though.

"Quick, it's a big hairy one"

Right now everyone is happy and purring or chewing rawhide or blogging, it's a good day. I had another low weigh in today which is awesome. Last night Matt had a bowl of ice cream and I was so close to joining him until I remembered that hey, today was lower than yesterday and I really don't want that ice cream anymore. It was a good feeling, the almost like how a normal person might feel about food feeling. That feeling, that not eating something I don't need is better than eating something I don't need feeling, is a turning point and I know it. I'm really happy to have something in my life right now that isn't about food or exercising or dieting, just living.

The pupcake keeps me busy focusing on things that aren't important, like what's for lunch or how I don't have a job. It's all about watching him be happy, and playing and keeping him safe. I know he's not a baby in the sense of being a human baby but it's still a life changing experience watching him explore the world and learn things and be so happy to see me. That's really the best part of this puppy thing, the so happy to see me part. When he falls asleep the first thing he does when he wakes up is look for me, if he can't see me he comes to find me and then we cuddle. My soon to be 100 pound dog is going to be a sissy mama's boy and I love it!

We went to visit the puppies thinking we'd leave a deposit and come back next week. The whole way there all I could think of was whether this was a mistake or not. When we got there and met them and met his parents and his breeders we fell in love. I know this is going to make me sound like a crazy person but the pup's mother's name is Aurora...my mother's name. Call me nuts but I think that was a sign that this was the right thing to do and so far it feels right too.

"You work for a gaping asshole"

Today I had an unexpected lowest since before christmas weight of 181. All that chasing the puppy and being too busy to eat has been good for me. Tomorrow I have the second of my required unemployment meetings, which I'm looking forward to. At least now I know it won't be an inquisition. They know there's nothing around and they really are just trying to help, even if it isn't all that helpful to me they do mean well. That's my positiviry for the day, otherwise I'm frickin' tired.

I called Holly to tell her about the puppy and she said "it's going to be so much work" and it is but it's not awful. He's the best puppy ever, she says after two whole days, but really he is. There have been no accidents, he learned how to climb the stairs in a day and we're working on down the stairs and he's getting very good at sitting. We play and sleep all day and it's just getting better. Yesterday, when I was wheeling him around Petco because he was afraid of the doors, he was the sweetest baby ever and everyone loved him. He was nice to everyone who said hello and interested in all the dogs. When he gets better at walking on a leash we'll go again and sniff all the dogs, won't that be a day to remember!

dudes

My sister just told me that one of the jolie-pitt babies is named Knox. No one else has mentioned this and I had no idea. Is this a reason to change his name???

Still life with puppy

This is the pupcake awake. Cuddling with bob the dog. We've had a pretty good day so far, interspecies relations aren't going too badly, no one's bleeding, and puppy is having a well deserved nap.
Sleeping is his favorite, at least today. Nobody slept much last night and everyone's having a nap right now, except me and Matt...poor frail humans.


The chairman, you see, doesn't think much of the proceedings and has kept to high ground, not that I can blame her.

Today was a big day, we drove out to petco for hard to find puppy food and an insane amount of toys. There is simply no point in scrimping on toys, tiny things to gnaw on is imperative to chewing redirection...which is why I spent 96 dollars at the pet store. That and treats. Can't train without treats and we're already working on sit. Actually he sort of came with sit, it was one of the product features, but making him sit for us is a bit different. He's done it three times today with tasty marrobone treats to follow, he's puddy in my hands.

the general and the dictator

Meet the newest member of our family, Knox.

Likes long walks in the park, sheep.

I have been mia because I have spent every breathing moment the last few days on petfinder.com. We're dog shopping. Well, I'm dog shopping and Matt is saying "oh, he's cute" when prompted. Matt was planning to get me a puppy for my birthday but it didn't work out, so he got me the first season of the wire instead. Fair. We've been looking since my birthday when we had the revelation that this is a great time to get a dog, when I have unlimited time to work with him or her. There is a puppy I am going to visit today at the humane society and there is a dog in tennessee I have inquired about. His name is Sarge and I love his soft eyes and the fact that he is eating a sheep in the picture. He's one of the underground fur road pets that are moved up north from southern kill shelters. The stories will kill you with their sadness, if you don't want to end up with 15 dogs don't read their bios...it's like a movie of the week in your living room.

I'm very excited about the new member of our fur family. It'll be nice to have a non-judgemental jogging partner. I'm considering him/her our newest piece of exercise equipment. If you don't use your treadmill it won't pee all over your floor. Is that positive or negative reinforcement of the humans? Anyway, I'm really looking forward to having a furry buddy. Meow just won't jog with me, won't even wake up from her nap when I ask her...lazy.

"Get a dog" was actually on a list of things to improve your health in the new year I saw some where, which I feel really conflicted about. It's great to have and love a dog but it's not like picking up a case of slim fast. Having a dog is great for your overall health for all kinds of reasons but it's not a quick fix or for people who don't have the right life style. I think linking pet ownership with the short lived new years dieting and health frenzy is despicable. More dogs with half-hearted owners who mistreat them and dump them 6 months later. Aaargh to that.