Monday, January 26, 2009
I love buying dog toys. I liked buying the little sheep so much that I bought a larger sheep to be his friend. His, uhh, very close friend. I'm trying not to be a dog spoiler, I've only bought him a few toys but we got several as gifts and he is drowning in things to kill. However, I think we really need one of these...probably the jackalope but they're all fun.
I just finished watching the PBS special about Fat from a few years ago. I really liked it. It wasn't all "lose the weight or the fat will kill you", it was very balanced I thought. I feel like I sometimes get stuck in these ruts like "life doesn't start until you're skinny" or "if you didn't eat that one thing you'd be thinner now". I thought things would be easier with no job and tons of time and I never really considered that I wouldn't make losing weight my number one priority. I have had other priorities and that's ok, I don't have to be on a seek and destroy mission 24 hours a day because that isn't something I can keep up forever.
I've been getting a lot of compliments lately, about how I've lost so much weight. I have gained since my last birthday and that's been really upsetting me...how much time I've lost. That's what it feels like, time lost. It's been a very big year in my life and all I can think about is how much I weigh. Do I want to be remembered for trying to lose weight my whole life or for something more important. Sometimes I do think that there is nothing more important and sometimes I come to my freakin' senses and realize there is more to life than that.
Knox is really helping me with getting more out of my life. I have more to think about than what I'm eating for lunch and I have a better reason for getting out every day. We watched a Nature documentary about dogs last night and I feel even more passionate about developing his little furry life. We're making play dates and taking classes and deepening our commitment to each other. Puppy doesn't care about how fat I am as long as I keep up with him and I can so why am I feeling so down. I honestly feel that if I didn't worry so much about what I'm not supposed to eat and concentrated on the things I can do my life would be better. I don't know if I can turn it off, the thing in your head that tells you no and yes at the same time but I'm going to try. I'm going to concentrate on living for awhile. There seems no value in telling yourself you're going to have a good day and then one thing goes wrong and you decide it's a bad day and you start over again. I've done it long enough so I'm just going to take myself off that track for awhile. We're going to run and hike and have fun and move on and see what happens. I'm taking a vacation from my brain and food. Wish me luck!
Posted by Amy at 8:28 AM