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10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, June 12, 2006

185

we've survived a week of rain, to be rewarded with another week of rain. there was a special olympics run at the end of last week, and it was pouring. i don't have what it takes to run in the rain, so i've been stepping and riding my bike. i have a fabulous contraption that allows me to ride my bike in my living room. i rode for half of four weddings and a funeral and an entire episode of buffy the vampire slayer. i must report that riding the bike is a lot easier when you have muscles in your ass. it makes all the difference between a pleasant jaunt through sunnydale and excruciating broken tailbone pain.

i'm trying to focus on the good things today, like sprinting to the post office and back in the rain and not being out of breath, because last night we met a girl my age with two little babies and an ass half the size of mine. in the great sheme of things it matters naught that her ass is smaller than mine. the poor dear has to change diapers all day, she deserves to enjoy her small ass. it just makes me feel like a loser. for no good reason. it's not rational. it's exactly the same feeling i get when someone my age walks in and they have a house, or a fulfilling career.

it's the ever present idea that my life isn't good enough. it's completely ridiculous. i'm finally going to be out of debt, i've come to terms with my job, i'm loving running and cooking new food. what do i have to complain about? when i look at my projected savings and what i could purchase for a house...i'm not even sure i want to buy anything. i'm getting all of my nesting out on matt's house and enjoying the lessening of responsibilities. so why does it bother me that skinny people exist in the world. i feel like one of those people that protests the gay community just because they exist. i don't want to be like that. i don't want to be aggravated because someone who gave birth three months ago is that tiny. the girl is probably too busy to eat.

the bottom line is that it's no one else's fault that i don't like my body. there's no way around that blame. there's no one else that can change how i feel about myself. or how much i weigh, or exercise. how depressing. i hate being in charge. i don't even like picking the movie. but that's what this is all about right, taking charge of our lives (sounds like a lifetime movie tagline). goodluck to us all.

5 comments:

duenneschen said...

how eloquently put....

i thought i was the only person who felt that away...mad at the skinny people at the mall drinking HUMONGUOS frapp's, or hearing from my mother that a family friends son (whose younger than me) is buying a house..

oy vey...thanks for this post...

Amy said...

i wanted to reply to your post and say i don't care when you hit your goals, it's a lifetime of service this fat losing of ours and we will get there. life long habits of healthiness. but i didn't know how to say it without offending anyone. but i can be offensive on my own site, that's the fun of it. i have to believe that we will get there...eventually.

duenneschen said...

thanks!!

i think whether or not we hit OUR OWN goals, we deserve a round of applause just for attempting them..

trying and failing is better than having never tried at all!

PastaQueen said...

I think people always compare their lives to other people no matter how rich or successful they are. It's human. When I was staying at my aunt and uncle's this weekend I thought they had a beautiful house, a really cool van loaded with DVD and GPS, and their kids are in private school and do activities like riding lessons. But they compare themselves to other richer people who live near them who are buying houses in St. Croix on a whim (like my aunt's sister-in-law). Someone always seems to have it better.

But I also suspect people envy things about your own life and you never realize it because they don't know about the problems that come with it. Like my aunt was saying it would be nice to live in the Midwest where people wouldn't judge you so much by what you own, which is sort of true but not always. I know sometimes I envy people who are married, but I know they sometimes envy the single life too.

Also, hee! I like you analogy to thin-hating and homophobia.

Amy said...

i wonder if the definition of phobia is "it's all in your head". i like that thought too much to google it for the truth.