we've survived a week of rain, to be rewarded with another week of rain. there was a special olympics run at the end of last week, and it was pouring. i don't have what it takes to run in the rain, so i've been stepping and riding my bike. i have a fabulous contraption that allows me to ride my bike in my living room. i rode for half of four weddings and a funeral and an entire episode of buffy the vampire slayer. i must report that riding the bike is a lot easier when you have muscles in your ass. it makes all the difference between a pleasant jaunt through sunnydale and excruciating broken tailbone pain.
i'm trying to focus on the good things today, like sprinting to the post office and back in the rain and not being out of breath, because last night we met a girl my age with two little babies and an ass half the size of mine. in the great sheme of things it matters naught that her ass is smaller than mine. the poor dear has to change diapers all day, she deserves to enjoy her small ass. it just makes me feel like a loser. for no good reason. it's not rational. it's exactly the same feeling i get when someone my age walks in and they have a house, or a fulfilling career.
it's the ever present idea that my life isn't good enough. it's completely ridiculous. i'm finally going to be out of debt, i've come to terms with my job, i'm loving running and cooking new food. what do i have to complain about? when i look at my projected savings and what i could purchase for a house...i'm not even sure i want to buy anything. i'm getting all of my nesting out on matt's house and enjoying the lessening of responsibilities. so why does it bother me that skinny people exist in the world. i feel like one of those people that protests the gay community just because they exist. i don't want to be like that. i don't want to be aggravated because someone who gave birth three months ago is that tiny. the girl is probably too busy to eat.
the bottom line is that it's no one else's fault that i don't like my body. there's no way around that blame. there's no one else that can change how i feel about myself. or how much i weigh, or exercise. how depressing. i hate being in charge. i don't even like picking the movie. but that's what this is all about right, taking charge of our lives (sounds like a lifetime movie tagline). goodluck to us all.