"Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle."

it's been a while.  it's also that time of year when people take to the internet to figure out their new years resolutions and look for inspiration.  I've been thinking a lot lately about something i guess I've never written here and something I wish I had figured out ten years ago.  Last year I fainted on new years and Matt freaked out.  I am sure it was just low blood pressure (which is common in the winter when no on drinks enough water, but that's a different story altogether) but the doctors couldn't really give me a concrete answer.  Which is partly why I started looking elsewhere for how to live a healthier life.  I watched Forks over Knives, which is amazing and even if you don't care about killing animals to eat them you should totally care about how they are killed and processed and make it to your table.  Anyway, so I decided to try going vegan.  I know I wasn't eating enough vegetables and fruits to get the vitamins I needed so it seemed like a reasonable place to start in order to feel better.

I've been slowing removing all dairy from my diet as I was already vegetarian and the difference is amazing.  I think it's a lot like how paleo people feel about their diets and I believe it's all about removing the dairy.  I still occasionally eat our home raised eggs but I try to avoid all cows milk products and I feel amazing.  The biggest thing is that I am never hungry, I have no cravings.  I didn't think I would ever have an attitude to food like I do now, where I really have to think about if I'm even hungry when I choose a meal.  I eat about half the food I used to.  And there is nothing I miss.  I used to love chocolate ice cream.  I can look at the ice cream case and buy for matt and never even feel badly that I don't get to have any because I don't even want it, it's no where on my radar.

All in all i'm down about 10 pounds from this time last year.  It took a while to really remove all the milk based foods from my diet and we are toying with the idea of trying goat's milk, although for real cashew and other nut milks are delicious.  I still bake and there are plenty of recipes that don't suffer with the removal of cows milk.  I can still have chips and fries and I do, and I don't count calories anymore.  I have nothing but my personal experience to go by but I feel so incredibly different without dairy in my diet.  Everything tastes better, I feel fuller with a smaller meal, my cravings are just gone.  I so very much wish I had taken the idea of a plant based diet more seriously in my twenties.

It's bullshit that you need the protein, there were vegetarian dinosaurs who didn't have to deal with assholes asking how they get their protein.  All plants have protein.  I read something that I loved on a vegan website.  So many people say they couldn't give up meat or cheese or ice cream, and that's bullshit too.  They don't want to and that's not the same thing at all.  After watching the documentary and some others about veganism I looked at my habits and realized that I had no good reason to eat cheese sticks every day or cows milk in my cereal.  I'm not missing anything in my life without cheese sticks except feeling sick and hungry all the time.

So that's what I'm up to.  I hope some of the new years visitors who stop by consider watching the film.  Even if you aren't over weight, don't have heart disease or diabetes it's good for all of us to eat less meat and less dairy and more vegetables and beans.  As they say food is the best medicine or the slowest poison and life is too short to be sick.

"We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen."

Half of the ladies at work are on weight watchers now and the other half spent all of last week eating the valentine's day chocolate.  Guess which half I'm part of.  It's a long week working full time short staffed and chocolate isn't really the answer but we can't seem to help it.  It'll be a relief to have all the candy gone on monday.

I'm making Matt his valentine's day treat tonight in order to end the madness tomorrow.  It has to be a clean break from all the candy, sugar, chocolate nonsense.  I'm not doing weight watchers again because it's way too much money for what I get out of it but I am using my fitness pal to keep an eye on things.  It seems a lot easier than sparkpeople, especially if you eat a lot of the same meals.  That is my main focus right now, automating meals and snacks.  Knowing exactly what you're going to eat and just doing it makes all the difference.  I'm not trying to be perfect just to do the same things every day because that's what works best for me.  Now that I accept that maybe I can accept responsibility for all my other choices.

In other news, did I mention we adopted a new cat?  His name is Leo and he was being fostered at my work.  He was hit by a car and his owner chose not to do anything about it...the shelter asked if they could have him and put a cast on his broken leg.  He still sits a little funny but he's adorable and the dogs LOVE him more than anything ever and he eats everything.  He ate knox's peanut butter kong, stole it right from him, took a bite out of Matt's chocolate chip cookie and ate chopped cabbage right off the chopping block when I was making cole slaw.  Cabbage, seriously?  He is the weirdest cat but we love him and the woofs are enjoying the winter a lot more with a kitty to keep them busy.  Chairman meow will never admit it but the new cat takes the pressure off of her and she gets a lot more freedom with the dogs preoccupied.

This is a picture of his first day at work.  He has huge amber eyes which make him look permanently surprised...like he had a bad facelift.  It's hard to tell how tiny he is in this photo but holding him is like holding air.  He just stole a candy cane I didn't even know we had and carried it into the bedroom and now he's napping with the dogs...he's definitely one of the gang.

"No point to overdoing this exercise junk."

Today was the first day I've snowshoed since saturday's very long journey and I think I might be dying. My legs fell off and I can't lift the phone. If you type 911 on your blog how long does it take for emergency services to find you? Alright, fine, I'm being dramatic. And actually I think my arms hurt from all the sledding. That seems extra silly as you don't use your arms for sledding but when you're going down the hill at a million miles an hour and your puppy stops dead in front of you...you have to slow down and yell alot before the puppy is dead for real. It's been snowing for the last three days and it's only adding up to about 10 inches but the roads suck. I think the idea is to wait till the snow stops and then plow because otherwise it's a waste of money. If I didn't have to work or eat I would totally agree and I'm kicking myself now for not stopping at the market yesterday. I had already risked life and limb for a paycheck, I might as well have picked up milk and dog biscuits while I was at it.

I have no plans today because all my appointments have been cancelled for weather and I have cleaned everything there is to clean. Short of vacuuming the cat I'm out of domestic duties. I think probably we'll take another afternoon snowshoe and I'll work on a meal plan. I've been meaning to do this for two weeks and it's not that things have been going too badly I just want to be using up what's in the cupboards in an orderly fashion. I don't want my clean cupboard goal and my weight watchers goal to conflict, there is room for both if I make a plan first. I truly have never stocked things like chips and cookies and matt's been taking all the baked goods to work so what's left is beans and couscous and saffron rice that probably is old enough to just be tossed.

I have been noticing lately that not only do I not really have sweet cravings but that sugar is starting to taste too sweet. I remember that vividly from two years ago, the amount of sugar I used to add to tea was really sad, I just couldn't taste it. Now I use about a tablespoon a day for 3 or 4 drinks, just enough to cut the bitter and when I add too much sometimes I can't drink it. Matt had me waiting outside a shop for some truck parts and at the end of the first half hour I decided to get a treat from the convenience store. I had planned on a drink, iced tea probably, but I looked at all the candy and chocolate and none of it appealed and I think it's because I gave myself permission to choose something and nothing seemed worthwhile. If I had started out "I can't have this, or that" I think I would have gotten something I didn't really want and finish it and then feel guilty over it. When I keep the ball in my court things work out better, but that really wasn't the point of this story. I chose a honey sweetened green tea and the sucker was seriously too sweet. I had half of it and had to save the rest for another day when I wanted a sweet. I have gotten my taste buds back much faster than I ever thought I would.

Very lightly sweetened tea and tons of water were my crutches in ye olden days and I'm trying really hard to make use of them this time. A tablespoon of sugar costs me one point and I get 3 to 4 warm, sweet drinks that make me feel satisfied. I definitely think it's worthwhile and it keeps me feeling normal like this is something I could do forever, I just have to buy stock in teeth whitener or move to britain. The water I'm still working on. My old water bottles are gross and Matt has encouraged me to get new ones. The old ones are more than ten years old and the plastic is rank. I might choose new nalgene bottles or I might choose a new sigg bottle, I haven't decided. I like the clear plastic because I know how much I've had or have left and they don't dent like the metal, but the metal is lighter and easier to drink from (I really am that messy) and who cares if they get dented you bought them to use them MORON. It seems a ridiculous thing to worry about but I can't succeed without the tools, ie new snow shoes and snow pants and a new coat...a water bottle seems itty bitty in comparison.

"I hear the jury's still out on science."

I'm home and I've unpacked exactly one bag. It was the most perfect wedding ever. I can't think of anything more to say than that. It was perfect and now the pressure is off. Unfortunately the pressure is on in so many other ways. Matt's grandma is very sick and has kidney failure and refused dialysis so there's a sense of imminence there. It's really sad and it's also really obvious that she's ready, I just hope his mom handles it ok. There tends to be a bit of drama in that family and the will is going to cause the trouble...I am hoping for the best there. Also, rather less dramatically, the starter in my car died again this morning...after I got to work of course. Poor car. Matt is going to replace it tonight before we drive up to the hospital. He's also going to take out the fuse that makes the bastard beep every time I unlock the doors. Something which I forgot to warn the valet about this weekend...whoops! That must have been awkward.

Things are a bit weird at the moment. I have a lot to catch up on at work and at home and probably won't have much time to do that. My boss really missed me though, which is nice. If we had work I'd feel very secure in my job. While I was gone we had an injury and a resignation by answering machine...so we have a very small crew. I have a feeling we'll be short a bookkeeper soon too which is going to suck. I seriously don't want to be in charge of that. I have enough access to receive accusations of embezzlement as it is and I don't want anymore. Really. Truly. God, I hope he doesn't quit.

Everyone loved my jewelry and shoes and dress and I hope the good folks shopping Ebay do too because that's where it's going next. Is it rude to try and sell your bridesmaid dress the week after the wedding? Are there rules about that sort of thing? I hope not because I can't store it anymore. It was hard enough keeping it fur free before the wedding...I can't keep that up forever. I'd have to shave the meow and I don't see that going well.

It's supposed to be "a vague disclaimer"

And also I think I used it before as a title so that's two no-nos and all in one post. Whoops! Apparently Best Buy keeps an eye out for mentions on blogs because someone stopped by after yesterday's post. Dear Best Buy scoper outer, the computer might be fine now but can I tell you about my DVD player because that's still very broken and still very much only a year old and funny enough I bought it at Best Buy.

I keep accidentally telling people that I got my wedding dress. It's almost as good as the day I told those french speaking tourists that the breakfast place was up the block and a la guerre. Only an american will tell you to go to war to get breakfast. What I should have said is that the bridesmaid dress that Holly got for me arrived and it almost fits! All I need is a ton of exercise, 6 months of starvation and a bra made of titanium. I'm not that negative about it, it actually looks pretty good. I'm a little to short and a little too busty but I expected that. Heels and a good bra should do the trick, probably heavy metal won't be required. I do have 6 months to find a tailor and shoes and get that starvation thing underway.

I've been trying not to think about the wedding in terms of "oh my god, I have to be skinny by then" because since when is that helpful. That sort of pressure doesn't motivate me. I'm more motivated by milestones in exercise and feeling good eating right. Not to say that I've had any of that this week. We did spend about an hour lugging brush tonight which was excellent exercise, I can tell from the dying. It turns out that trees are heavy and if I had realized that sooner I might not have been so eager to help. We're clearing the area where the orchard will be (yay!) and it's an awful lot of work. It smells nice though, I'm dirty but pine fresh. We have another acre to do for the garden, it's worth at least 5 pounds. At least.

Hump day

Two days that haven't sucked in a row. I'm looking forward to today. I have my fingers crossed for three in a row. I'm excited about my wardrobe today as I've finally found jeans that fit. American Eagle 12 short are awesome and I'm in love with them. I have a semblance of ass wearing them, it's like the denim is blessed. The DSL is blessed too. I'm still waiting on the router so we can have all the computers working and then Matt can stop cursing AOL in his sleep.

So, I am looking forward to today. I'm going to choose photos and a layout for our catalogue and I'm really excited about it. It's exactly the kind of thing to do really well and take home for my portfolio. The new designer and I had a conversation while the boss was out about our new jobs. She has a sinking feeling she's made a mistake too and we've both decided to do our best and take it all home with us. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, someone is a similar position. She's concerned about having a job on her resume that her future peers will look down upon. We'll just have to look after each other. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

"Sure.We can work out after school. You know... If you're not too busy having sex with my mother."

It seems to have taken forever but I've finally gotten down to 170 on the new scale. This new scale business has really thrown off my reality, not that it matters I suppose. I'm still fatter than I want to be so why worry about the actual number. It's sort of blowing my mind lately how little I know my body. I'm the same size I was in college but all my rings are too big and so are my shoes. Of all the places I want to lose weight, fingers and toes aren't on the top of my list but what can you do.

In the great closet clean-out of yesterday I found some pants I wore in highschool. They're Limited size twelves from ten years ago. They fit me through most of college if you count fitting as zippering and buttoning 80% of the time. I tried them on last night and lo they fit exactly the same as when I bought them, badly. First and foremost they're too long for me. I'm just not tall enough, or long-legged enough to wear pants that aren't short. Why I didn't have that clarity in highschool I don't know, it's not like I got shorter since. Second, the waist is distinctly too small for the size. I know, I know, that's what all fat people say but really the cut is just all wrong. Unless it's supposed to be pouffy around the rear and thighs and fit at the unnaturally high waist, it's a bad cut. I've been carting these damn pants around for ten years for no reason.

The really bad part is that they were one of my grail items. They were the pants that I loved that I really wanted to fit into again. Why did I love them in the first place? They were expensive, atleast for a highschooler, they're a relatively swank brand but not that special, not anymore anyway. I think what I liked the best about them was that they were small, wearing them must have made me feel good. I've been carrying them around like they're gold, ten year old corduruoys that are too long, too tight, too pouffy and genuinely out of style this many years later just because they were the smallest pants I ever fit into. What a waste of energy.

Gin and tonic with a straw

Cheesecake for breakfast and pizza for lunch because I am dedicated to the healthy life. I'll be prostrating myself to the gods of the raised heart rate as soon as I get home tonight. Indoors, as it's pouring today and praise the lord for that. I need some water in the well so I can do some laundry and wash some dishes and run a bath without the devil on my shoulder. Everyone I know in the flesh remarks that Matt and I live a pioneer life. No cable, no phone, no internet, we are a modern day little house on the prairie. I made all those choices and took the distancing myself from the world in my stride, for the most part, but I just don't want to live without water. It's getting cold for the outhouse and it's a serious drag taking the laundry into town to wash. That would be the line right there, driving half an hour to do laundry. The line when crossed means that I lose my grip on sanity. Just so y'all know when I'm gone one day never to return it's because I had to take the towels on a joy ride to Ellsworth.

I've been thinking more and more that I need to do something about my un-interneted (un-internote?) state at home. Funny enough it was a topic of discussion at dinner with the SugarCrook. Funny because it's hilarious that I live the bulk of my life on-line and have no internet access at home. Hilarious as in not very smart and also a little bit ridiculous. So, ofcourse, I'm putting the cart before the horse and am shopping for computers. I don't have the ready cash for said purchase but there's no harm in looking. And drooling. And panting slightly if I were to be completely honest. I've got to learn all about wireless and Mac's and Air ports (do I even need one of those? I don't know, that's where the learning comes in). It would be good to figure all that stuff out before I go and make investments. It would also be good just to get dial-up and be satisfied for the short term, but that would be way too easy.

Another hilarious topic at dinner was the State of Maine and its' many eccentricities. It's such a card, the State of Maine. One of our favorite discussions is our lack of address and the unlikelihood of our getting one. I, being not on the deeds for the property, have less information about the address thing than Matt does. I hadn't thought about it for awhile but it does impact our ability to get trash picked up, saved in an emergency, and obtaining services like a phone line. I suppose if there was a fire they could follow the smoke, but why leave that up to chance? Like the guido death mobile parked on the back road. We don't have proof there is a body in the car so the police won't come and take it away (my imagination isn't proof enough, apparently). We'd have to pay to have it towed. Except we can't, because it's not technically on our property. So the mystery death car has property rights and we don't. And no one seems to know who makes the decision on what our address is. The state doesn't know, the town doesn't know. They're very close to having "Kiss our Asses Lane" coming off their state highway and then we'll see who knows what. Ahem.

Oh, and the scale...a whole pound down. It's a tenuous relationship we have. I have the feeling it's more accurate than I want, considering the number of brownies I ate this week. Still dropping though so that's something. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue...

"Nooo... I think you're up in the clocktower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in."

i'm trying to get my blog on early while i'm still in a good mood. i had a bit of a breakdown on the way to monkey shopping last night. i do feel better now after talking to matt about all the things i hate about being here and why and he understands. if i had to leave, he'd come with me. that makes a huge difference. he's thinking of doing something new too, that might make him a shit load of money. he offered to be my sugar daddy, which i'm not really comfortable with but it was a nice offer. i think if i was home all day i'd be bored off my arse. i don't know what to do with myself when i have free time. i must lack motivation. heh.

there's something about being almost debt free that has me feeling a little weird. when it's finally gone in the next month or so, i will only have one monthly bill. i've been living the work-a-day pay your bills grind so long i don't know what to do with that freedom. if i really wanted to, i could quit my job. i could work part time. if i saved a bit first i could go to school. i could sell my plasma. take in washing. it's a world of oysters i'm not entirely comfortable with. i have to answer some hard questions that i've been avoiding. i'm running through my allotted breaths and steps on this earth with no real purpose and it's starting to get old.

wow, that was deep. really i just want to make cupcakes all day. only i can't do that without a little more sacrifice. which is not unreasonable, i know. it shouldn't be a burden to sacrifice for something you really want. i guess i'm just feeling overburdened, or out-burdened, or something. like maybe a little lack of responsibility wouldn't be so bad. the short of the long is that i don't know what to do with myself. it's not new, i've never known what to do with myself. i have inklings of things that could be and i'm feeling stifled by my inability to do them RIGHT NOW.

money, fat, motivation...a pile of dumb things that keep us from doing what we want to do. man, it's boring. and indulgent too as i'm sitting here at my cushy better than minimum wage paying job complaining with plenty of food to eat and clean water and a place to live. there's never a cattle prod around when you need one.

"Don't you watch television? I thought all children despise effort and enjoy cartoons.

169 with hardly any effort. i'm so pleased. pleased in the way that makes me want to not eat bad stuff so that number will hang around. that and it's a rainy day which really helps me fight the ice cream craving that's been rearing its' ugly head. in bizarre news a woman, who yesterday told me i looked like i lost a lot of weight since last year, said today that my pants were too big and made me look fat. thanks lady. i know that already and i don't need to hear it on the streets. i should be wearing skirts, like i said i would, but it's effing cold here. what can you do, some days are about the process and not the result and this is part of the process.

you think she would have said my clothes looked bad if i was too fat for them? it's probably more socially acceptable to say someone looks fat when you think they're thin. which sounds fucked up but it seems to be the norm. skinny things saying how fat they are and no one blinks an eye. i hate that. self-deprecation is the new black.

enough about crazy people (who seems to be the only ones commenting on my new...state. is that me self deprecating, i only hear compliments from the mentally ill?) and floppy clothes, i'm all about food today. it struck me this weekend while i was roaming the organic meats and eggs that i'm pretty confused about my organic shopping. i buy organic eggs because the featherless slave chickens make me sad, i buy unscrewed with chickens for the same reason and also because matt doesn't need the antibiotics they feed the aforementioned featherless slave chickens. i buy the shitty bacon because that's what matt likes but mostly he agrees with me about buying natural products. i choose unbleached flour, raw sugar...but i buy regular milk and produce. what's up with that? it doesn't actually make any sense. not now that i can afford to buy groceries i feel better about. so i'm going to be working on going more organic. maybe even soy with my milk. which i haven't tried since my sister was in high school and maybe i would like it now. ten years later.

i have been spending a little more than i budget for. it's hard to help the feeling that you're rich when you aren't suffocating in debt. i planned for this. i knew i would be a little free with the purse strings when things started to look up, but i'm trying to be realistic about it. i still can't afford to be careless and i've learned enough about spending and goal setting that i want to see things happen with my money that aren't limited to the expansion of my dvd shelf. i upped my budget by a small amount so i won't plan myself into a corner and come up short where i shouldn't be and still have a little fun.

however, it might be time to reassess my financial priorities. do i want to go organic badly enough to spend the money and give up something somewhere else? do i want to be eating into savings to have happy cow milk? or am i saving enough by not eating meat that it won't be a big deal to add organics. i've been all track and add and compare with my grocery bills the last few weeks to figure some things out. i do my best budgeting when i'm ocd about it. but i have to be ocd with an open mind. part of the freedom of getting out of debt is doing some of the things i've been putting off. good food is one thing, buying the books i want is another, and building hobbies is up there too. art supplies and classes, even fitness classes, cost money. i don't want to deny myself these things forever, i know they'll add to my happiness and quality of life and be worth every penny i spend. it's just there's this part of me that doesn't think i'm done paying for some of the mistakes i've made. a part of me that wants to be scrimping and saving incase something goes wrong or i make another bad choice. i have a lot of thinking to do. and some forgiving. and getting-over-ing. everyone makes bad choices, it's what you learn from them that matters. i'll be keeping that in mind while i crunch numbers. less punishment, more joy.

"who died and made you Elvis"

i just spent a wee sum at gap.com. they send you these damn coupon codes and then you go online and poke around and you end up buying a gorgeous asymetrical belt that won't even hold your pants up. but you have to spend x to get free shipping so you buy some t-shirts too. and then you're upset about it even though you click submit order and just this morning you put on your last clean gap t-shirt and you thought gee i could use some more for the summer. but the point is that it's the company's fault that i like their t-shirts and useless bits of leather. and i know i'm supposed to be mad at them because their sister old navy is ditching plus sizes in their stores but i'm just not. every time i go to my local (and also very small) old navy the (very large) plus section is over run with clearance. it's probably terrible rude to say that 80% of the women i see every day in bangor are overweight, but it's also true. and they're not shopping at old navy, atleast not in the plus section. old navy's bread and butter is volume, maybe they really do get more sales online.

i totally forgot about popcorn by the time i got home last night and then i caught the top of my last post and whoops! now i want some again. if i had a better memory i'd be way fatter. i do remember that we made plans to get mexican tonight. we're going to the place with the tiny flan and i'm very excited. they do a reasonable set menu with the whole works and itty bitty desserts and every time we go i wonder why we don't go more often. which only backs up my theory about short term memory and my ass.

what else, oh, i finally have a menu and a very long shopping list for the whole rocket man thing. i've left nothing up to chance. i'm sort of interested to see how well i do. i've been trying to build a mantra for myself that i really want this. i want to make it work and there's no reason i can't give it a week. i know it's two weeks but i'm trying to take it one week at a time. i'm going to see what works with week one before i do the week two menu. in all honesty i'm not changing that much from my normal fare. the biggest change is the protein, which i've been rambling on about needing to fix but hadn't actually done yet.

and then, the exercise. what good is a stricter eating plan if i spend all my time on the couch thinking about cupcakes? i've taken to jogging in place at home. i started running on the road on weekend mornings, which is awesome and hard and very hilly, but after work and dinner and dishes it's still too dark. so when i'm tired of stepping, i jog in place like a demented richard simmons on a loop. what can i say, it's working for me at the moment. it keeps me from sitting on my butt while i'm watching angel and MI-5. that's the important part to me, the sweating. anything is better than sitting still, no?

"I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that."

the week of "still not dieting" is going well. weight is holding, i hardly want to eat everything i see and i'm only doing the smallest amount of compulsive shopping. could you resist these rain boots for your neices, no you couldn't. they're painfully cute. i couldn't resist season one of bones either. david boreanaz is worth it. apparently when i rented it before i missed the last episode with the big ass cliffhanger. if you know what happened to brennan's dad write me, i'll send you cookies, i'm that desperate.

i'm a little short on relevance and long on drama at the moment. there's some stuff going on with matt's family that makes me nervous. like possibly not seeing them very much anymore. but nothing's settled yet. is it wrong to want to have one "family" dinner without a sex conversation? openness is one thing, but grown-ups should have atleast one conversation starter that isn't about sex, like weather maybe. it might indeed be too much to ask, but i refuse to listen to what sexual thing i must do with my dentures in 40 years so i'm making a stink now.

i'm a little surprised that the stress hasn't made me gain. i'm actually noticing my very last pair of 16's getting too big. i don't know how my ancient old navy 16's were staying up when my newer old navy 14's were at my ankles. that's beyond vanity sizing, there had to be a screw up somewhere. but i'm glad they're finally going out the door. i know in my head that the labels on the clothes don't make a difference, i'm really happy to see the back of size 16's in my closet anyway. that number takes me back to the day i tried on some 16's at the gap and they didn't fit. they looked awful. that was before i started this here blog and it was definitely a turning point for me. i still get a bit angry when i try on a 12 and they're maybe a little tight, but now it's only for a minute. i feel now like things are in my grasp and if i really want some pair of pants to fit, i can make that happen. but it's also much less important to me lately.

when i was wearing larger sizes, i shopped all the time. it would be safe to say that i was obsessed. not just with shopping, although i recongnize the importance of that, but also with my appearance. like i was trying to make up for how awful i thought i looked by wearing better outfits. at the time i thought that if i was skinnier i would take the time and wear really excellent clothes. i still have anthropologie bookmarked. obviously i've had to buy clothes as the old ones grew too large but i've lost a bit of the obsession. i'm still clearly insane when it comes to shoes, but i'm not that concerned with the rest of my clothes.

yesterday i was poking around on the anthropologie site and i almost bought a sweater. it was cute, it wasn't debtor's prison expensive, it seemed like the one thing i could buy and probably use well. and then i didn't buy it. i don't need to buy clothes to make me feel good about myself anymore. i might have worn it every day, i might have loved it inside and out, i just didn't need to have it so i left the site. something has changed for me recently about clothes. it seems like the longing is gone. the longing to be like other women, thinner women who don't have to hide themselves, is leaving me.

i'd like to think that i still dress reasonably well, but i don't think about it anymore. i used to spend hours in front of the mirror trying to find something to wear, something that i could leave the house wearing that wouldn't make me cry. trying to find the outfit that would hide the flaws that were the only things i could see. there isn't a black skirt perfect enough to make hating yourself look good, i have looked everywhere. i haven't thought about those days in a long time. i haven't had a morning like that in a long time. i didn't realize until just now how lucky i am to be away from that.

"My mom's making her famous call to the Chinese place."

so...i was a moose accident on the highway last night. we stopped at wendy's on our way home. which we never do so i won't be too guilty about it. mr. matt had to go hang some blinds for a friend and the hunger, it may have been emotionally scarring, so it was better avoided. the only concern i have now is that we're going out again today for our anniversary. we always have lunch at the same place where we had our first date. and then later we're grilling. as you can see it's going to be a very foody day. in retrospect, i probably didn't need to add to the mayhem the day before with french fries. i just have to think it's all better than a big crazy meal out at night when i'll have no chance to burn off the calories.

scale is still 170 after being moosey so that's good. i've been looking up dessert recipes for tonight. i don't know if that should be labeled good or bad. the theory is that you only have an anniversary once a year so it probably won't kill me to bake something. i haven't done much baking in the new house, i have a lot to learn about gas ovens. i also have a lot of whipping cream that needs love (see, i had baking intentions) so i'll probably make a french chocolate cake. sort of a flourless chocolate cake only with like 2 tablespoons of flour. still very dark and dense and yummy. with whipped cream. i just need to summon the energy while matt does his boy thing with the grill.

i had thought moving would make me want to cook proper meals, because my dining partner really needs them. but so far i'm exactly as much a slacker as i always was. i don't know why i believed so heartily that geography would make a difference. i cook reasonable food for him most nights, but not always for me. he's been eating more hotdogs than is probably good for him, and for me grilled cheese. which i suppose has a certain amount of protein but mostly it's butter.

the short of the long is that i need to think about protein for me. and i need to plan for it. i'm thinking of keeping a pot of black bean soup around at all times. or maybe for every lunch. i'm clearly too lazy to cook real food at night during the week. i'm going to have to be one of the many who prepares all their food on the weekends. odds on i'm too lazy to do that too, but it's a start in the right direction. maybe i'll bond with my freezer and it'll be life changing. a girl and her pyrex. that's almost dirty, in a fastidious housewares kind of way. roar!

"i was being patient but it took too long."

i'm wearing my new pants today. the scale read 171 just like yesterday. and still i feel ridiculously fat. you ever feel like your body is expanding all around you like some alice in wonderland thing. that's how i feel today. all expandy. technical term. really i'm at my skinniest and somehow my laziness has started to affect my feelings about my body. i haven't exercised properly in, uhm, a very long time. i can't even remember. atleast a month. there's been physical labor but none for the sake of fitness, or thinness or duty even. but lately i've started to catch the spring diet rejuvenation bug.

right now i'm working on my coke dependancy. i've been clean two days. i just keep telling myself it removes rust. if i still want it after that i'll have one but mostly it's been working. i've been replacing it with tea, but at least i control the sugar and the calories that way. food on the other hand is a little weird. because i haven't been trying. our schedules are still a little crazy and mostly i worry about matt getting the right food. since i gave up chicken i know i'm not getting enough protein. sometime i'll be in a better place to fix that, it's just not now.

i know i need to eat better and exercise more to go beyond maintaining these 25 pounds. i also know laying down a do it or die plan does not work for me. the minute i'm writing about it i'm all over it, but in reality that kind of structure doesn't do any good for me. however, i know what i can do if i try harder. if i can remember that i had some chocolate at lunch, i don't need any at dinner. and that if i'm just sitting watching tv, i could just step and watch tv. and also that life won't end if i don't lose as fast as i want to. i'll still wake up every day and face the same decisions and that won't kill me either.

my rope has been short and fraying this month but i'm starting to feel better. i need to accept that moving was hard in a lot of ways, and being sick and having your family be sick is all hard too. i need to accept that i did the best i could and i can't do any of it over even if i wanted to re-live it. and i think i need to be happy that i'm ending march one pound down from where i started. this month could have broken me, but it didn't. i'm still here and i'm no worse off with so much to look forward to. and i know i've been making with the saccharine after school special posts lately, that's not usually my style. i think it does me good every once in a while to re-group and remember what i'm doing and why. even i can't talk about clothes all the time.

"I've got a theory! It could be bunnies."

another freakin' 174. grumpitty grump. 'course i realized today that i haven't been doing anything i had been doing when the numbers fell so easily. funny that. i mean, i kind of knew that i wasn't doing the same things, but today it really hit me. so i'm hitting the yogurt and granola trail again, which i love incidentally, and hopefully i won't regress to 175.

i cleaned out my closet (again) and found more clothes that are too big (you don't say?) and that's pretty much the only reason i have room for everything in the wardrobe. and i am a little sad, like i always am, because i was so excited to fit those clothes. cute short skirts and fancy pants (i just wanted to type fancy pants, they're not really that fancy. it was worth it.) tossed to the wayside. or my sister. or my bestfriend from highschool. or you. write me if you fit a gap 14. some of the bastards still have tags. way too many actually. shopping addict's anonymous here i come. but the good news is that the bedroom almost looks like a place grownups might sleep. i'm centimeters from maturity here. look out scrapbooking and appliqued sweatshirts!

what else. err. oh yeah, when i was whining about my cute skirts falling off, matt asked me what i was going to do with them. and when i told him he said "you aren't going to save them for when you get fat again?". and then i buried his corpse in the woods. if anyone asks, it was bears. bears with spades. and opposable thumbs. it was one of those moments when he knew he was in trouble before the words were out of his mouth and if he could build himself a vacuum feature i know he would. we both know what he meant was "what if" or "maybe you could wear them again" it wasn't meant to be negative. it makes me realize that that's not what i want. ever. i'm not going to let my life get out of control like that again. so there's no need to hold on to them. i'm downright pleased to give them away so maybe someone else can be all sweetness and light until they get too skinny.

"what's your favorite humming noise?"

today i had a glorious weigh in of 173. it was a beautiful thing. i'm pretty sure angels sang and fairies wept. i've vowed to never move the scale again. whatever is up with the magnetism in that particular spot is exactly the kind of magnetism i want to encourage. go forces of nature. woot!

in other news, the snow that caused them to cancel today's school day yesterday is actually rain. and it's 41 degrees. not that i'm complaining. we did however do the grocery shopping last night so as to avoid the eggs/bread/milk/apocolypse shoppers this afternoon. and we bought a ton a of ice cream. and yet managed to forgot an integral part of dinner so i have to hit the market again on the way home. so much planning, so little success. in the girl scout cookies as crack vein, we bought samoas ice cream. i had a spoonful last night and pretty much it just makes you want the real thing. almost edy's, but no cigar on that one.

pounds are on the move again and more of my clothes do not fit. i have to do another clearout before we move. thankfully i get to ditch some bras this time around. the awful padded ones i had to buy almost exactly a year ago because the ones i fit into again now were too small. that was a horrible experience. one i don't really want to repeat. but i'm wondering if i'll ever be able to buy nice brassieres again. lane bryant has seriously let me down. i'm relieved not to have to shop there, even if i did only ever buy Cacique, but it's not because of the sizes. they still carry my size it's just that all of their stuff is awful. you've got the choice of whore sub-category babylon or grandma and it's not ok. anything remotely attractive does not exist over a D or is painfully unflattering in practice. and this is where i asked for suggestions...until i realized that all the stores that didn't carry my size before i started do carry it now.

including the gap. where i was searching for jeans that are both short and wide but not as wide as the ones i have right now and then decided to check out the bras for kicks. i'm pretty excited. i also fit into victoria's secret now, albeit selectively. matt will be excited about that. it seemed to really offend him that the breast empire had nothing for me. maybe they can make up now my size has changed.

still too short

i bought some new jeans this weekend. i've been doing really well this week and i rewarded myself. and i had a coupon, shoot me. i also had this crazy idea that eventually my waist and leg ratios would come closer together and i would be a regular shopper. so i took a bunch of 14 regular jeans into the fitting room. i have so much to learn. it seems no matter how much i lose, i will always be too short. the delusion, it runs deep. so i bought some short jeans that fit, and i won't have to walk around holding my pants up.

one of the pairs i bought is sort of skinny jeans esq. they're not as skinny as the popular ones, which i must say i think look ridiculous on almost everyone but that's just me, but they're sort of a similar cut. i should note here that i didn't actually try them on. i got a little fitting weary and just grabbed a second pair of the same, rather elusive size and headed to the checkout. but the funky hipster jeans didn't have a tag. so they're mine...forever. i'm planning to wear them with a lot of black and feign a rotund kate moss. or i can wear them to scrub my toilet because atleast they fit and i won't have to hold them up with one hand and scrub with the other. the lesson here, try the damn things on first.

right now my 135 pound, 5'5 co-worker trainee is telling my boss she wants to lose weight. and any minute i expect my boss to tear her apart like a group of lions. last week she was near gloating because her doctor thinks she has an eating disorder. i joke about wanting a tape worm, but i don't think i could ever be happy about having an eating disorder. it's one of my bigger fears surrounding dieting.

like today, i have a whole pumpkin pie at home because you can't buy just one piece. but i've only eaten one piece and i only will eat one piece. i feel extraordinarily in control right now. and i love it. it's what i loved about the beginning of my dieting adventure. the control aspect of dieting is addictive. it kind of freaks me out. like i could easily go too far and i'm not sure i'd know when i crossed the line.

i've discovered months too late that the secret to my success is not not buying junkfood. it's buying it and not eating it. that's pretty fucked up. i have a bag of mini peanut butter cups in my drawer at work. i bought them for my sister in japan. only she's moving to slovenia or something and i can't send any more mail. so they're at hands reach all day and i haven't eaten one of them. and i like it that way.

when i think back to the beginning, i bought a lot of the things i wasn't eating. i bought them and i put them in my cupboards and that was it. i did a lot of that. i've now given away or trashed most of that stuff. but it's like i'm starting over. one uneaten pie at a time. can i afford to waste the money on such a bizarre pattern? or should i probably be spending it on a therapist.

the chocolate barn

my idea for a bakery and chocolate shop was so good, someone else used it. they have a bad location though. suckers. i'll still stop in and buy something, just to see what they did. it doesn't bother me that much, because i really wasn't ready. it's just the day late dollar short thing is getting old. none of my shiny new job possibilities panned out but hey, atleast i didn't spend 30 plus hours in labor. there's always a silver lining. the baby and mom are fine, but damn was that an ordeal. too many hours. we'll get a nice puppy. it'll be great.

i've been off the wagon for awhile, but i haven't gained any weight. that's a plus. i did however make macaroni and cheese the other day so it's probably a matter of time. i haven't made macaroni and cheese since january when i started this whole healthy food thing. you'll be shocked to know that a meal based on white pasta and cheese isn't all that healthy. the 1/4 cup of onions just doesn't pull it's weight in the vegetable arena. there are things i could do to make it healthier, but i think anything you cook bi-annually you might as well enjoy.

i've been slacking. i haven't planned a meal for months, and i got too lazy for the daily salad production. lazy, lazy, lazy. but i've kept up my exercise. hell, i even like it. it's the only thing standing between me and accelerated fatness. i do feel less inspired lately. less inspired to watch my snacking and make sure dinner is full of vegetables every night. it just doesn't seem all that important lately. maybe it would if i were getting fatter. but since i'm not i guess i'm getting complacent. ofcourse i know if i prepared a salad for lunch every day and served lean protein with vegetables for dinner i'd be a lot skinnier right now. and then i'd have to do it for the rest of my life. maybe i'm just not up for the commitment.

i'm getting more and more happy with what i have and less focused on what i want. i can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing. part of me still wants to reach for that limited skirt. not being able to wear the things i want to is the biggest factor right now. i'm just not sure how bad i want it. enough to change a few things, sure. whether it will be enough i'll have to wait and see.

a post in which i use too many of these!

twice a year my college dorm had these hall parties. and they always had to have a theme. the theme was almost always fire related. HOT LIKE FIRE! was one, FIRE and ICE was another, ON FIRE!, HOT! HOT! HOT! man was it boring. the cooler dorms had pimps and hoes parties and cowboy themes and assorted fancy dress balls. we had continuous FIRE! and HOTNESS! my roommate and i started calling every party UNORIGINAL LIKE FIRE! to amuse ourselves and in our own way thwart the patriarchy who chose such boring party themes. and now that's all i can think about because it's HOT LIKE FIRE! in maine today.

85 degrees. there's no reason it needs to be that hot here. it's maine. we like it cold. that's why we live here. i really feel like nature should save the warm weather for people who like it. in say, arizona? the worst part about it being hot (like fire) is that no one in maine has air-conditioning. there's no reason, you see, because it's traditionally cold enough for all the tourists to buy generic MAINE! sweatshirts and the workers from jamaica to wear their winter coats all summer. the rest of us are melting and our sun deprived skin is turning red before our eyes.

i went for a walk at lunch time and i'm still fanning myself with deposit slips. it's a bad sign for my summer exercising. i'd been getting into walking in the morning and at lunch time, but there's a limit to how much sweatiness i can handle at work. it's not all that professional. the short of the long is that the ymca is looking like the only option. i might go over to take a tour this weekend and think about it. it would be wonderful to be able to exercise and then shower, all in the same building. what luxury!

189 and holding

there's been a barage of body image and fat talk on the mainstream blogs in the last two days. i just read a very long list of them here but i started out at suburban bliss because i read her every day and she's an addictive read what with the humor and the charm. so, yeah, false advertising is the theme of the day. is it false advertising to get married skinny and get fatter after marriage?

i wouldn't know anything about this because i've never really been skinny. i've been skinny in comparison to how i look now, but i've never had a flat tummy or perfect thighs or anything else that "they" say is how a woman is supposed to look. i've never looked the way you're supposed to look to attract a mate, or so society tells me, and still i've had plenty of relationships. i've dated men and women, and i've never had anyone tell me i was too fat. no one hs ever dumped me because i was too fat or told me that if i got fatter they wouldn't love me anymore. i have had lovers tell me they wanted me to be "healthy" but i've never felt or been made to feel, unnatractive. i'm the only person who says i'm fat, i don't know if that's worse or not.

i met the boyfriend through a friend and it was a bit of a blind date, except he knew who i was and what i looked like. and he liked what he saw enough to badger his friend into setting up a date. we're coming up to the close of our first year together at the end of march. i've been through a lot this year and i've put on a few pounds. he still tells me i'm beautiful, he still wants to be with me. he supports the lifestyle changes documented here because he wants me to be healthy and happy. the only thing he's ever said about my weight is that he doesn't want to see me get so fat i can't leave the house. i can't blame him because i wouldn't be much of a companion if i couldn't fit through the door. he's shown me over and over again that his love for me does not hinge on my weight, or the length of my hair or the kind of clothes i wear, but on who i am and how i make him feel when we're together. if his love hinged on any of those things, i wouldn't want it. i don't love him because he looks a certain way, i love him because he's kind to me and generous with his affection and because he unquestioningly brings me cookies from the kitchen when i'm too lazy to get them myself. life is too damn short to play by those kind of rules. some day we'll all be old and saggy and the only important thing will be getting your moneys worth at the early bird special and i'll be damned if i waste a penny of my social security by leaving the bread out of the doggy bag because someone who's supposed to love me doesn't want me to get fat.