i bought some new jeans this weekend. i've been doing really well this week and i rewarded myself. and i had a coupon, shoot me. i also had this crazy idea that eventually my waist and leg ratios would come closer together and i would be a regular shopper. so i took a bunch of 14 regular jeans into the fitting room. i have so much to learn. it seems no matter how much i lose, i will always be too short. the delusion, it runs deep. so i bought some short jeans that fit, and i won't have to walk around holding my pants up.
one of the pairs i bought is sort of skinny jeans esq. they're not as skinny as the popular ones, which i must say i think look ridiculous on almost everyone but that's just me, but they're sort of a similar cut. i should note here that i didn't actually try them on. i got a little fitting weary and just grabbed a second pair of the same, rather elusive size and headed to the checkout. but the funky hipster jeans didn't have a tag. so they're mine...forever. i'm planning to wear them with a lot of black and feign a rotund kate moss. or i can wear them to scrub my toilet because atleast they fit and i won't have to hold them up with one hand and scrub with the other. the lesson here, try the damn things on first.
right now my 135 pound, 5'5 co-worker trainee is telling my boss she wants to lose weight. and any minute i expect my boss to tear her apart like a group of lions. last week she was near gloating because her doctor thinks she has an eating disorder. i joke about wanting a tape worm, but i don't think i could ever be happy about having an eating disorder. it's one of my bigger fears surrounding dieting.
like today, i have a whole pumpkin pie at home because you can't buy just one piece. but i've only eaten one piece and i only will eat one piece. i feel extraordinarily in control right now. and i love it. it's what i loved about the beginning of my dieting adventure. the control aspect of dieting is addictive. it kind of freaks me out. like i could easily go too far and i'm not sure i'd know when i crossed the line.
i've discovered months too late that the secret to my success is not not buying junkfood. it's buying it and not eating it. that's pretty fucked up. i have a bag of mini peanut butter cups in my drawer at work. i bought them for my sister in japan. only she's moving to slovenia or something and i can't send any more mail. so they're at hands reach all day and i haven't eaten one of them. and i like it that way.
when i think back to the beginning, i bought a lot of the things i wasn't eating. i bought them and i put them in my cupboards and that was it. i did a lot of that. i've now given away or trashed most of that stuff. but it's like i'm starting over. one uneaten pie at a time. can i afford to waste the money on such a bizarre pattern? or should i probably be spending it on a therapist.