10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Monday, October 23, 2006

still too short

i bought some new jeans this weekend. i've been doing really well this week and i rewarded myself. and i had a coupon, shoot me. i also had this crazy idea that eventually my waist and leg ratios would come closer together and i would be a regular shopper. so i took a bunch of 14 regular jeans into the fitting room. i have so much to learn. it seems no matter how much i lose, i will always be too short. the delusion, it runs deep. so i bought some short jeans that fit, and i won't have to walk around holding my pants up.

one of the pairs i bought is sort of skinny jeans esq. they're not as skinny as the popular ones, which i must say i think look ridiculous on almost everyone but that's just me, but they're sort of a similar cut. i should note here that i didn't actually try them on. i got a little fitting weary and just grabbed a second pair of the same, rather elusive size and headed to the checkout. but the funky hipster jeans didn't have a tag. so they're mine...forever. i'm planning to wear them with a lot of black and feign a rotund kate moss. or i can wear them to scrub my toilet because atleast they fit and i won't have to hold them up with one hand and scrub with the other. the lesson here, try the damn things on first.

right now my 135 pound, 5'5 co-worker trainee is telling my boss she wants to lose weight. and any minute i expect my boss to tear her apart like a group of lions. last week she was near gloating because her doctor thinks she has an eating disorder. i joke about wanting a tape worm, but i don't think i could ever be happy about having an eating disorder. it's one of my bigger fears surrounding dieting.

like today, i have a whole pumpkin pie at home because you can't buy just one piece. but i've only eaten one piece and i only will eat one piece. i feel extraordinarily in control right now. and i love it. it's what i loved about the beginning of my dieting adventure. the control aspect of dieting is addictive. it kind of freaks me out. like i could easily go too far and i'm not sure i'd know when i crossed the line.

i've discovered months too late that the secret to my success is not not buying junkfood. it's buying it and not eating it. that's pretty fucked up. i have a bag of mini peanut butter cups in my drawer at work. i bought them for my sister in japan. only she's moving to slovenia or something and i can't send any more mail. so they're at hands reach all day and i haven't eaten one of them. and i like it that way.

when i think back to the beginning, i bought a lot of the things i wasn't eating. i bought them and i put them in my cupboards and that was it. i did a lot of that. i've now given away or trashed most of that stuff. but it's like i'm starting over. one uneaten pie at a time. can i afford to waste the money on such a bizarre pattern? or should i probably be spending it on a therapist.


MayQueen said...

I suppose as long as you're not wasting too much money, it's not a bad thing. It's kind of like what I do, except that I don't buy the food, I just visit it at the grocery store. Because anything that comes home with me will be eaten. I'll stand in front of the ice cream case for a few minutes and remember all the good times I've had with the Half Baked and the Natural Vanilla Bean and the Bananas Foster, and that seems to be enough most of the time.

But not last Saturday, as the half-eaten pint of creme-brulee in the freezer will attest.

Rebecca said...

i'm sure it'll come you cheaper than paying for therapy!

i have food that i shouldnt eat around the house either. for some reason knowing its there if i wanted to eat it makes me calmer and then other times like last night i go ahead and have some!

have you breached the 170's yet?

keep up the great work!

Beth Currie said...

Ha! Wish I had your willpower. I drive my husband nuts because if it's there, I'll eat it. I tell him not to buy me chocolate. He buys it FOR HIMSELF, puts it in the cupboard and next time he looks it's gone. He's mad because he's got no chocolate to eat and I'm mad because I ate it. Through no fault of my own, you understand. If he'd just hide the chocolate like I ask him to we wouldn't have a problem.

Hmmm. Maybe I'd better join you with that therapy.

Amy said...

i have broken the 170's, but i'm not completely full of will power. i didn't need to buy myself a whole pie. especially as i had baked an apple pie for matt that same day. but buying it, we didn't eat any pie till the next day anyway, made me feel better. like i could have some if i wanted to i just didn't. good thing i have some overtime coming up. i can technically afford it i just don't like it.