the week of "still not dieting" is going well. weight is holding, i hardly want to eat everything i see and i'm only doing the smallest amount of compulsive shopping. could you resist these rain boots for your neices, no you couldn't. they're painfully cute. i couldn't resist season one of bones either. david boreanaz is worth it. apparently when i rented it before i missed the last episode with the big ass cliffhanger. if you know what happened to brennan's dad write me, i'll send you cookies, i'm that desperate.
i'm a little short on relevance and long on drama at the moment. there's some stuff going on with matt's family that makes me nervous. like possibly not seeing them very much anymore. but nothing's settled yet. is it wrong to want to have one "family" dinner without a sex conversation? openness is one thing, but grown-ups should have atleast one conversation starter that isn't about sex, like weather maybe. it might indeed be too much to ask, but i refuse to listen to what sexual thing i must do with my dentures in 40 years so i'm making a stink now.
i'm a little surprised that the stress hasn't made me gain. i'm actually noticing my very last pair of 16's getting too big. i don't know how my ancient old navy 16's were staying up when my newer old navy 14's were at my ankles. that's beyond vanity sizing, there had to be a screw up somewhere. but i'm glad they're finally going out the door. i know in my head that the labels on the clothes don't make a difference, i'm really happy to see the back of size 16's in my closet anyway. that number takes me back to the day i tried on some 16's at the gap and they didn't fit. they looked awful. that was before i started this here blog and it was definitely a turning point for me. i still get a bit angry when i try on a 12 and they're maybe a little tight, but now it's only for a minute. i feel now like things are in my grasp and if i really want some pair of pants to fit, i can make that happen. but it's also much less important to me lately.
when i was wearing larger sizes, i shopped all the time. it would be safe to say that i was obsessed. not just with shopping, although i recongnize the importance of that, but also with my appearance. like i was trying to make up for how awful i thought i looked by wearing better outfits. at the time i thought that if i was skinnier i would take the time and wear really excellent clothes. i still have anthropologie bookmarked. obviously i've had to buy clothes as the old ones grew too large but i've lost a bit of the obsession. i'm still clearly insane when it comes to shoes, but i'm not that concerned with the rest of my clothes.
yesterday i was poking around on the anthropologie site and i almost bought a sweater. it was cute, it wasn't debtor's prison expensive, it seemed like the one thing i could buy and probably use well. and then i didn't buy it. i don't need to buy clothes to make me feel good about myself anymore. i might have worn it every day, i might have loved it inside and out, i just didn't need to have it so i left the site. something has changed for me recently about clothes. it seems like the longing is gone. the longing to be like other women, thinner women who don't have to hide themselves, is leaving me.
i'd like to think that i still dress reasonably well, but i don't think about it anymore. i used to spend hours in front of the mirror trying to find something to wear, something that i could leave the house wearing that wouldn't make me cry. trying to find the outfit that would hide the flaws that were the only things i could see. there isn't a black skirt perfect enough to make hating yourself look good, i have looked everywhere. i haven't thought about those days in a long time. i haven't had a morning like that in a long time. i didn't realize until just now how lucky i am to be away from that.