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10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

"Nooo... I think you're up in the clocktower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in."

i'm trying to get my blog on early while i'm still in a good mood. i had a bit of a breakdown on the way to monkey shopping last night. i do feel better now after talking to matt about all the things i hate about being here and why and he understands. if i had to leave, he'd come with me. that makes a huge difference. he's thinking of doing something new too, that might make him a shit load of money. he offered to be my sugar daddy, which i'm not really comfortable with but it was a nice offer. i think if i was home all day i'd be bored off my arse. i don't know what to do with myself when i have free time. i must lack motivation. heh.

there's something about being almost debt free that has me feeling a little weird. when it's finally gone in the next month or so, i will only have one monthly bill. i've been living the work-a-day pay your bills grind so long i don't know what to do with that freedom. if i really wanted to, i could quit my job. i could work part time. if i saved a bit first i could go to school. i could sell my plasma. take in washing. it's a world of oysters i'm not entirely comfortable with. i have to answer some hard questions that i've been avoiding. i'm running through my allotted breaths and steps on this earth with no real purpose and it's starting to get old.

wow, that was deep. really i just want to make cupcakes all day. only i can't do that without a little more sacrifice. which is not unreasonable, i know. it shouldn't be a burden to sacrifice for something you really want. i guess i'm just feeling overburdened, or out-burdened, or something. like maybe a little lack of responsibility wouldn't be so bad. the short of the long is that i don't know what to do with myself. it's not new, i've never known what to do with myself. i have inklings of things that could be and i'm feeling stifled by my inability to do them RIGHT NOW.

money, fat, motivation...a pile of dumb things that keep us from doing what we want to do. man, it's boring. and indulgent too as i'm sitting here at my cushy better than minimum wage paying job complaining with plenty of food to eat and clean water and a place to live. there's never a cattle prod around when you need one.

3 comments:

Zanitta said...

I think it's always scary when you realise that actuall there's nothing holding you back. The money issue makes you put things off until 'when I'm out of debt' and suddenly your there. Don't lose the oppurtunityh, do something new. Take up a hobby, or a class, maybe that will make you feel less restless. If matt's ready to do somethign new too, what's to stop you from moving? I should mention that I tend to go to different countries when I get restless (did a year in sweden during university, year in the US just after and am starting a job in Japan in a couple of months) so I may be slightly biased towards that option ;) If you feel the need to shake things up a bit don't be scared, just jump. You'd be amazed how good it can be. I have a friend who once told me ' the only thing a good life needs is a passport and a corkscrew' it's an idea I embrace fully.

Amy said...

i have been thinking about the "interim". between getting completely free and starting up a business that will need a lot of work. i'm thinking whirlwind global tour because i really have no reason not to.

Zanitta said...

and that my friend, is the best reason of all!