i'm wearing my new pants today. the scale read 171 just like yesterday. and still i feel ridiculously fat. you ever feel like your body is expanding all around you like some alice in wonderland thing. that's how i feel today. all expandy. technical term. really i'm at my skinniest and somehow my laziness has started to affect my feelings about my body. i haven't exercised properly in, uhm, a very long time. i can't even remember. atleast a month. there's been physical labor but none for the sake of fitness, or thinness or duty even. but lately i've started to catch the spring diet rejuvenation bug.
right now i'm working on my coke dependancy. i've been clean two days. i just keep telling myself it removes rust. if i still want it after that i'll have one but mostly it's been working. i've been replacing it with tea, but at least i control the sugar and the calories that way. food on the other hand is a little weird. because i haven't been trying. our schedules are still a little crazy and mostly i worry about matt getting the right food. since i gave up chicken i know i'm not getting enough protein. sometime i'll be in a better place to fix that, it's just not now.
i know i need to eat better and exercise more to go beyond maintaining these 25 pounds. i also know laying down a do it or die plan does not work for me. the minute i'm writing about it i'm all over it, but in reality that kind of structure doesn't do any good for me. however, i know what i can do if i try harder. if i can remember that i had some chocolate at lunch, i don't need any at dinner. and that if i'm just sitting watching tv, i could just step and watch tv. and also that life won't end if i don't lose as fast as i want to. i'll still wake up every day and face the same decisions and that won't kill me either.
my rope has been short and fraying this month but i'm starting to feel better. i need to accept that moving was hard in a lot of ways, and being sick and having your family be sick is all hard too. i need to accept that i did the best i could and i can't do any of it over even if i wanted to re-live it. and i think i need to be happy that i'm ending march one pound down from where i started. this month could have broken me, but it didn't. i'm still here and i'm no worse off with so much to look forward to. and i know i've been making with the saccharine after school special posts lately, that's not usually my style. i think it does me good every once in a while to re-group and remember what i'm doing and why. even i can't talk about clothes all the time.