the week of "hey, you don't need those groceries!" is almost over. or since it's my week i say it is over, because i'm totally going to shaw's tonight to catch the sales. "but i have a coupon" will be engraved on my tombstone, if my family can find one on sale. this week went really well. i'm always so much more creative under pressure and, you know, unsalted butter makes a pretty good grilled cheese. this week has randomly been all about unsalted butter because i forgot to buy regular. it's ironic that that same morning i had told a friend to keep unsalted around for baking because it's higher quality and you wouldn't want to eat it (heh). you see she had called me with a flat cookie problem. she used brummel & brown yogurt spread which apparently is not interchangeable for butter, in baking. who knew? well, nothing ventured nothing gained i guess.
the matt is working all weekend and i hardly know what to do with myself. exercising, shopping, baking, is pretty much my holy trinity. i do want to practice some baby birthday cakes (i talked my sister into letting me make her next one, so i have 'til december to get it right) but i want to get out of the house too. a wild and crazy thought, i could go beyond the mall this weekend. i might even fake being my age and wander around downtown. maybe go to a "coffee shop". do the cool cats still hang out there or am i ten years too late? anyway i'm going to make a concerted effort to break out of my pattern and have a great day. maybe envision where a little bakery could set up shop.
i'm trying super hard to fixate on the positive because this week has been a little slipshod optimism wise. it's not that i thought being a runner would fix all of my problems and turn me into some waif on the spot. i thought that sticking with something would be good for me and i was really happy that first week i ran every morning. it made me feel accomplished in a way that not eating something ever could. i'm not giving up on running, but i am forcing myself to contain my zeal. every day i don't have some crazy huge loss i think "well atleast i'm not fatter". i have this very strong belief that i really won't go back up, that that part of my life is over. but if i screw up my knee permanently it gets a little shaky. so that's what i'm really afraid of, that i'll break my knee and end up fat and trapped in my house trailer with 17 cats and eating frosting out of a tub and they'll need a big can opener to get me out. not that i've thought about it or anything. and that's why i've been whining about my knee so much, the underlying fear that i will screw up and end up worse off than i started. this weightloss thing is a complicated business, isn't it?