Brought to my attention

Apparently it's not very nice to laugh until tears after your boyfriend narrowly escapes a Mack truck death but I can't seem to help myself. They call it hysteria for a reason. And there didn't happen to be a Mack truck coming down the road, or even a Hyundai, so really it wasn't so bad. Should I tell the whole story, I guess I sort of have to.

Going back David Copperfield style, we have this driveway. It goes up a mountain. It's not terribly long, not miles long, maybe a quarter mile. There's a wicked steep part, then a turn, then an ehh not that steep part. Until this weekend it's been packed snow, perfectly manageable packed snow. Then it rained. Apparently "rain" + "packed snow" = "oh my god that's a lot of ice". We got home from home on wednesday and Matt was very sick and since we made it up the driveway even with the "oh my god that's a lot of ice" we didn't go fetch sand. Then yesterday it snowed again. "Snow" + "oh my god that's a lot of ice" = "you will never make it to your house".

It was slippery beyond slippery, it was slick to the power of six gazillion. The car made it to the top of the big hill. This is traditionally where Matt takes over and I hot foot it to the house so he doesn't run me over going a million miles up the hill. Only last night I fell on my ass and couldn't get back up. I thought I was going to get run over but I got lucky and Matt got the car stuck in a snowbank (in my opinion better than sliding down the driveway into traffic but he was pretty mad). I was all happy not to be run over but I still couldn't get vertical. It was like when you wash your hamster cage and you put the hamster in the sink and they try and try and try and can't climb up the porcelain. I proceeded to crawl on hands and knees to the garage with very little success. Matt, with more four letter dialogue than I've ever heard before, proceeded to fall on his ass in the perfect middle of the driveway so that when he started to get up...he slid down the entire driveway on his knees.

He landed in the road and if there had been a car there he'd be dead. He still got up the driveway and to the garage faster than I did with my hamster crawl, a testament to his rage if anything. We had to pull the car out with the plow truck and made it safely, though sideways, down the hill this morning. He's decided that he needs to carry a claw hammer in his pocket and that also the car needs chains. I'm going to have the most hardcore luxury sedan on earth with snow tires, chains, and a hundred pounds of sand in the trunk. That's the story of Matt and the Hello Kitty band-aid.

Things I am blocking out:

When we came home tonight Matt went in to turn on the lights and I stayed in the car with the dogs for just a minute while he got the house opened up.  And then the car started sliding.  You might remember the time we both slid down the driveway, it was no fun.  This was worse.  It would seem that every few years we get a ton of snow and then a ton of ice and then rain...which bites.  Seriously, I am so angry at rain right now.  Obviously I'm not dead but my heart is still pounding.  I couldn't get to the brake, the keys were gone so I couldn't steer from the passenger side and by then I was so freaked out I didn't even think about the emergency break I was just trying to get us all out.  You know how fred flintstone stops his car with his feet.  It was just like that but totally less effective.  I could only get one foot out because of my stupid purse and other crap so I just started yelling for Matt.  I don't think I've ever seen him run that fast, especially on that ice.  It's a minor miracle he didn't slide and fall behind the car and get run over or something.  It's more of a miracle the more I think about it, I'm totally friending Jesus on facebook.  

Matt got the driveway sanded and the car moved but you can still smell the burnt rubber and my sphincter will never be the same.  Add to that a very unpleasant week at work and one very apologetic man who asked if I was having a baby and I don't know what you get...there was supposed to math what with the adding but I don't know where I was going with that because my brain just doesn't work anymore.  No room at the inn.  And a baby?  Seriously?  I told him I was just fat and the look on his face was almost worth the embarrassment.  He said his wife is always telling him to keep his mouth shut and probably that's a wife worth listening to because dude, that's just the dumbest thing you can say to a woman kind of ever.

Anyway, this weekend had better be awesome and if it rains again I'm taking up dark magic because I'm seriously on the edge.  Seriously, seriously, seriously.