10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"Can't fight the seether"

And so begins another post in which I try to regain my humanity.  It turns out that I am a jerk.  I hate realizing that, I really do.  I got an invitation to a party and I'm pissed about it.  That makes me a jerk.  A party thrown for a person by a person who loves her and who invited me and still the whole thing makes me want to break things and stomp my feet and I don't know what but I don't want to go.  I really don't want to go.  I survived the wedding and the you should get married you're missing out but I just don't think I can survive the baby shower.  And Matt won't be there to deflect the ignorant advice and share in all the getting judged by strangers.  

I wasn't expecting a baby shower for the THIRD baby so I wasn't prepared for this, although that seems very foolish on my part.  I really don't want to hurt my mil's feelings so I think the best I can do right now is say that I can't wait to go and then develop a terrible cold that I don't want the mother to be to catch.  I am not a good enough person to sit through an afternoon of baby shower games and hearing how selfish I am for not having children.  I am deeply flawed and weak and so mean spirited that I can't either be genuinely happy for the family or fake it reasonably well.  

I wish I could be that person who can fake it and I'm not sure what that means, is that something I should aspire to?  Can you change yourself and be a person who sees sunshine and daisies all the time because that would be awesome.  I mean, generally speaking that's the kind of person I hate but then maybe it's because I'm ridiculously jealous of the daisy people.  I wish I could spend money I don't have and raise children without encouraging them to learn to read and have yet more babies I can't afford and not worry about any of it but I can't.  

I can't not worry about any of that stuff and I believe that I will never be able to not worry about it.  I've been doing a lot better since going to the spa, my friend saved my life with that trip because before that weekend everything made me mad and eventually even your sweet boyfriend starts to hate you when you yell all the time.  I haven't been mad enough to lose sleep between then and receiving this invitation and I don't want to let things get that bad again.  

I am hoping blogging will help and I apologize in advance for being so angry about a baby shower because I know that it is not ok to have anger about a baby shower.  Everyone is happy about the baby and buying gifts for the baby and doing everything possible for the baby and the mother and there is no earthly reason that that should make me angry.  It is not ok for me to feel that way and I know it and I have no idea of how to resolve it.  My wonderful savior of a friend who has her own painful baby shower issues said I don't have to go and I'm certain that everyone will have a better time without me or at the very least not notice my absence except for my mil who wants us all to be happy and get along and be the brady bunch in real life.  I really want to know why I can't find it within myself to do that for her, even for a few hours.  

I thought for a while that keeping boundaries on what I was able to give would be the best thing to help me feel better but it's not helping and I'm not better.  I'm not sure what to do now.


Laura Belle said...

If you really don't want to go, which sounds like that's true, then DON'T go. You don't have to go to every freaking shower/party every single time. You'll just be miserable, uncomfortable, and just plain unhappy. So why put yourself through that?!

I'm in the same boat, as I don't have kids yet, and ALL my siblings either have kids or are having kids. So, showers have been running rampant this year. There's always the questions about where my babies are. I hate it.

Lately, I'm prone to saying, "My babies are not happening right now, not happening for awhile, sorry that crushes your world, but I'm concentrating on MY world right now that does not include diapers and vomit. Thanks."

My grandma didn't very much like it when I said that to her, but oh well.

Amy said...

I don't know if I can do it without getting frustrated and crying which everyone will take the wrong way. I have zero emotional control right now so i probably shouldn't go.