I'm thinking that it's easier to give up all sugar than it is to cut back because somehow when you're only cutting back the lines get a little fuzzy. Remember how I took my microwave for granted and now I'm going to starve and die without it...well, in a similar way I have "forgotten" that I never used to eat ice cream. Somehow...recently...like as in since I decided I was too fat to watch Holly get married and started to err "diet" again I've had a difficulty in not eating ice cream. If I was being super south beach about it it would be easy, NO ice cream. Cutting back is like being in limbo, you know...purgatory. You're not actually like burning in hell fire but your heels are hot if you know what I mean.
So, I made myself an ice cream cone last night. It was a really tiny one but all I can think of is "Whoops, opposite of slimming" and now I want another one. I put about three tablespoons in a sugar cone and I should look up the calories but I'm thinking it's not abysmal. In high school I worked at an ice cream stand and we used to have people order a pint and ask for a spoon, fat people mostly. I remind myself of things like that whenever I think I'm getting a little out of control and maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't want to be an over-reactor, the sort of girl that stops eating for the day because she had a whole bowl of granola for breakfast when she was only supposed to have half but I don't want get complacent about my bad habits either. That case of coke still haunts me and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to get another case right now.
I've been feeling a little stressed lately and I know I've been making worse decisions than usual. The days where I buy a candy bar at the check out and after two bites I know I don't need it and then finish it anyway are all too frequent...that's not cool. I want to get back to the place where I was justified in my wants because I wasn't making indulgence a habit, or at the very least I was working so hard with exercise that I could easily make up for it. I've been feeling rotten about my choices for a while and it's just starting to really hit home. I'm still a twelve but I haven't set foot on a scale in ages. I'm not out fatting my clothes but I don't feel great anymore. Two miles a day of walking when I can't run (knee...killing me) isn't making up for being a slacker in other areas, not anymore, and I feel really crummy about it. It would be nice to just live again and have these be my habits instead of feeling like playing catch up. Wish me luck y'all.