i've spent my entire weekend thinking about a pair of shoes. because i am full of hormones. it had been driving me crazy until about 8 seconds ago when i realized that dwelling on the shoes has in fact given me the reprieve from the 24 fat-a-thon in my head. yay for me. i guess. so these shoes, maybe disclosure will help me. remember when i had that shoe thing, because my favorite ones were leaking (which i'm wearing today even though it's raining because i cannot learn) (and also i'm already embarrassed about the number of "because's" in this post and soon i'll be embarrassed about the parentheses). remember that, when i posted all those shoes. well, that weekend i hit up macy's clearance rack and there were these cute naturalizers (because i'm 200 years old) (double whammy there) and there were about 40 bucks and i tried them on and they're comfy and even though i liked them i talked myself out of them. i'm still trying to work the "remember you're broke" thing so one day i won't be. so i walked away.
and then saturday night we bought a washing machine. which should have been an excellent reason for feeling broke, as it was completely true, but we stopped in the shoe department. i like to wander through even if i'm not out to purchase. like methadone for shoppers. and they were still there, a tiny bit cheaper but not much. and i tried them on again while matt sat in a chair gnawing at his wrists. and then i put them back, again. that was saturday night. all day sunday i thought about getting in the car and seeing if they were still there. i even rationalized the trip by saying i had to go to target and trade in some deodorant (why must they use those crazy names. how am i supposed to remember if it's a botanical garden or an ocean breeze i want my sweat to smell like, i don't know.). all that driving just to spend money on something that might not be there just didn't seem healthy, so i threw some baked beans in the oven so i couldn't leave the house. but i'm still thinking about them. i even just looked them up on zappos where they are 70 dollars. can you feel my pulse racing through the screen? anyone want to take odds on whether i go to bangor tonight and come back tomorrow to order those shoes through zappos when they aren't there?
it was a very long, very hormonal weekend that is clearly stretching in to monday. besides the great shoe debacle, i had another shopping moment that is a bit more relevant. i always comb through the clearance rack at the gap, just in case there's something i can't live without. there hasn't been much because all the good stuff seems to be in a 16 or a 14. this was painfully ironic until i realised that stuff is there because i'm not buying it. there just aren't that many people my size with the funds and inclination to shop at the gap, and now i'm not that size anymore so the clothes are still there.
it's kind of fascinating what a small world i live in right now. and more competitive because clearly 12 is a much more average size around here. where in NH it's not, it's still a big size in more urban areas. matt is always telling me that for a "maine" girl, i'm downright skinny. this is always weird because a. i don't want to have to compare myself to the morbidly obese to boost my self esteem, and b. he's right. pretty much 99 out of 100 times, i'm not the fattest person around. in reality i probably never was, but that's how you feel when you live under that particular shroud. it's a whole new world now that i have an honest perception of my body. and yet, i've been all contemplative about my new plan.
the new plan, which i'm italicizing for lack or a more interesting title, is pretty much like this. i'm going to try really hard to stop thinking like someone who has lost about 25 pounds. thinking about how far i've come only enables me to be less strict in the here and now. i need to start considering that part of the job done. i got back to my pre-mourning weight and my college clothing size, the two biggest reasons i had for taking the reigns on my health. and now, instead of the rest being gravy...the rest is going to be meat? that metaphor sucks, but do you see where i'm going with this? this here is my new starting point, 173 pounds. since i am full of hormones just now, i'm not going to make any more broad announcements until things settle. and then i'll work out my plan to attack the first 10 pounds. i'm not setting my sights any further afield than 10 pounds.
if nothing else there'll be a shoe report tomorrow. if i survive the afternoon.