i know better than to google things like "weird bump". it turns an innocuous bump into any number of flesh curdling diseases. the worst is when the prognosis for your bump has a list of symptoms so general that you start thinking "yes, i did have a headache the other day...and gee, i do experience frequent urination". you know what, if you drink 2 liters of water a day, as we're told to, you're going to urinate with frequency. and since i horrified myself a few months ago googling the eye thing, i try to convince my friends to avoid it. but we have a lot of spare time and when you're pregnant you want to know why your arm is all swollen and bumpy.
we didn't get much love out of google. all the bump diseases seemed pretty unlikely. and then she went to see her doctor and found out what it was. and, wow, it was so much worse than google. not dangerous, but icky in a way i didn't conceive of. the baby belly is pushing her breast tissue in to her arms. IN TO HER ARMS. the doctor isn't worried, apparently this is common with larger breasted women. holyshit. if i didn't want to have a baby before i really don't want to have one now.
so, my co-worker isn't too worried about the breast tissue in her arm. she has lived her whole life knowing that sooner or later she will have to get a reduction. i'm on the cusp of this. i always believed that if i lost weight and kept it off, they'd shrink too. enough so that i wouldn't have to have surgery. it's the surgery i want to avoid, not smaller breasts. i hate the idea of surgery. thinking about it for any length of time makes me pass out. in the words of kirsten wolle, i'm the softest cookie.
now it seems i'm trading fat for muscle and there is no change in this one department. i'm torn between being grateful for a slow loss preventing the extra skin problem and worrying that they're never going to get smaller. i really don't want to have to go under the knife unless it's necessary. like a tumor kind of necessary. but i can't stop thinking about it lately. except for all the pain and bills and work time lost, it would be amazing to wake up one day a few cup sizes down. it's probably easier to cut out some calories but if i get to be skinny everywhere else and i'm still this size, hell yeah i'm taking some action. is it sad that the thought of being able to buy a button down shirt makes me weepy?