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yesterday i was all committed and pro-active, today i want to drown myself in a vat of sugared irish breakfast (and i have a bit). you just never know, eh? i woke up in tears, having dreamt about my mom. the dreams are so weird and i never remember what happens, if it weren't for the dream crying i wouldn't know i was dreaming about her. usually that means my hormones are starting to work their magic and that's a fantastic scapegoat for the re-emerging pound. however the monthly grieving is killing me. it makes me feel like a shell of a person and miraculously i don't give a shit about how many cookies disappear from the tray when i don't need any.

i've been upset more recently because the anniversary is coming up. not actually until may but i'm starting to feel it now. do i need more time, do i need a therapist, i'm pretty sure the sweet scoffing is not the right treatment. there are no rules for grieving. i wish there were. i wish there was a menu or a formula:

dead cat = one week, three days
dead brother-in-law you didn't like anyway = 3 months
dead mother = one year, 7 months, 15 days

if that wasn't depressing enough the only memory i can focus on today is the time she tried to buy me a maternity dress for my senior prom because she always thought i was fatter than i was. it fucking sucks.