185

back up a pound, bugger all.

i might not have lost a ton of weight so far but i feel my life changing already. i'm committed to taking better care of my body and it's paying off ten fold. i don't make excuses to myself anymore. this morning i was a bit early for work, so i took a walk to the pier to take some pictures. a few months ago with similar weather i would have made some excuse about how it was too far or i'd be too tired or sweaty for work. this morning i just did it and no part of me complained. it's like i had an instant excuse area of my brain for anytime i was required to do anything physical. hike in the beautiful national park right next to your apartment, nah i really have to go buy some cookies. it's pathetic. the worst part is that i can't remember when i started doing it. i know i've been talking myself out of things for a long time, like little league and volleyball with friends. i can't remember when i started telling myself i couldn't do these things.

it's been so long that i don't even consider whether i really am capable of doing something or not. i don't know what i'm capable of because i never give myself the chance to find out. i'm so pissed at myself about that now. all those chances i wasted because i thought i was too fat to do anything. ahh, but now i am doing everything. if i can't find a genuine reason not to do something, like imminent danger or major imposition, i just do it. it even works with getting the dishes done. is there a legitimate reason not to do the dishes right now? no, then get'em done. it's wonderful, the kitchen has never been so clean.

i think it really started with the running. i've been placing more emphasis on the hiking parts of my walk for a while now because it seems to make my legs so much stronger but i need to re-focus on the running. running a few minutes every morning made me feel accomplished and convinced me that i could be running more and more if i chose to. i still jog for part of morning routine but i've been judging the workouts based on how fast i climb the hill. it's noticeably less aerobic but i'm thrilled with the results so far. i keep trying to remind myself that the more muscle i work the more calories the muscle will burn all day because the workout itself burns less calories(i think because i'm not running as much). is that the secret to the staying still scale or maybe i only lost more when i was running and doing phase one of south beach. regardless i feel great lately and i'm going to stick with things as they are. and hope for slow change.