I hate blogging from home. Who would have thought that the bank fed my creativity? Today is a holiday so I'm home twiddling my thumbs and sorting through papers. I should have gone to see my family and return those weird pants from Banana Republic. Shoulda woulda coulda, I chose to hang here instead. You'd think my floor would be cleaner with me having all this free time. I did scrub my tub which is very good for the arms. I brushed the cat. I didn't wash all the dishes yet. Home is distracting and yet not enough. I'm not distracted enough to be content and too distracted to write anything worth reading. A new and exciting era of my life.
So, all I think about is this interview so why not blog about it and get it out of my brain. The thing is, it reminds me of this job I had that I loved. I never really thought about it before, there are so many things that cloud that time for me. I loved that job, I loved the work and the variety and the challenges it brought every minute. The short of the long is that I used to sell fish. Imported Japanese Koi actually, and no they aren't fucking goldfish so just don't even say it because it makes my brain explode. The fish thing is important because I have these dreams that I have tanks and tanks of fish in my basement and I let them all die. It's very sad. The Freud of that is that I let a relationship die, the relationship I had with my boss from the fish job and his wife and it makes me very sad.
When my mom died a lot of relationships got screwed. People said things or didn't say things and I didn't handle it well. You learn a lot about people when something like that happens. You learn a lot about yourself too, it's hard to be a rational grownup when you're suffering that kind of loss. It was too hard and I think it might be too late to fix some things. Thus the dreams. Thus the feeling that this job is a chance to step back in to my life, like the grief stricken commercial break is over. I told Matt that I would be so happy if I got this job and he said he thought so too. He also said he thinks I haven't been really happy since we met (a few months before my mom passed) and I think he's right, I've been broken for a long time.
I know it looks like I'm pinning a lot on one phone call. One opportunity. I do sort of feel like it's some Karmic wake up call. If I'm not chosen it will be for a reason and atleast I'll know what I want to be shooting for and I can get to work to make it happen. I'd been getting to that place anyway, slowly. It does seem, to me, like I'm meant to have this opportunity now and I feel really good about it. The waiting is hard because I feel so sure. I'm telling myself now that if it doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be but it will be hard to get over. But not impossible.