We had the internet at home last night and were able to operate without breaking anything just long enough to make one tiny post and order apple trees online. We got a Baldwin and a Winesap and 2 Canadian Strawberries because apparently we only like the freaky rare apple trees. Doesn't Canadian Strawberry sound like a good apple, apparently they're pink with stripes and I'm very excited about that. We ordered a few normal varieties too, if normal can be described as super yummy and withstanding of extreme cold. They come home to us in April and will bear fruit in like 10 years or something...which is why we had to start now if we want to eat a home grown apple by age 50.
In other things I want to do before I'm 50, I'm dressed like a grown-up today. The new folks have a much more strict dress policy, in theory anyway, so I'm trying to dress the part. I've been dressing pretty badly the last two years, trying to get the most out of one or two pairs of pants and a few too big tops. Wardrobe minimalism to be sure. I need to re-develop my own style and joy in clothes, I feel like it's been turned off a little too long. When I look back on it I can't help think I dressed so much better when I was fatter. I guess it seemed more important to dress nicely when I thought I looked so awful. And then there was the compulsive spending. It's easy to look great when you buy your clothes with a lot credit and very little sense.
I know I'm always connecting money and weight and I know that combination of evils is not particular to me. The two are so connected and they're both problems you have to fix from the inside out. I had to stop believing that I deserved macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was a rough day or that I deserved to wear nice clothes like the skinny girls did. There's no deserve about it. Macaroni and cheese is never going to be a healthy dinner and no matter how many fabulous clothes I bought with plastic it was never going to make my body smaller. I also had to stop believing that I couldn't do something because of my body, or couldn't do it until I was smaller. I'm still not sure which was harder to do, saying no or saying yes.
Sometimes when I look at a month or a few months worth of posts and see how very little my numbers have changed (back up again today, damn!) I get caught up in feeling like I'm not going anywhere. I have to remind myself how much I have changed. Yesterday I bought SEVEN bags of candy because there was a massive sale at Rite-Aid. Amy of, say, three years ago would A: have never admitted that, B: have opened and eaten at least one bag, C: would have left at least one bag at work for snacking. Amy of yesterday took it all home untouched and shoved it in the cupboard to bake with (Matt has this thing for M&M cookies lately). I was hungry yesterday and I never even considered hitting the chocolate. I just wanted more yogurt but I didn't have anymore so I waited until dinner. That's a big damn change in habits and choices and I need to give myself some credit for that. I forget that what will make a lifetime of health and happiness for me is keeping up a long string of tiny, good choices. I have to believe that if I keep up the little things, eating well and enjoying exercise, in a few years I'll look back on this time and think it's exactly what I needed to do.