*

10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

"That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly."

It's been taking me forever to write posts lately. I've become the perfectionist editor that I hate. You'd think that if I know it makes me nervous to check my statcounter I wouldn't do it. But I do, just like the damn scale (174.2, again.), and then I feel a little smothered when I try to post. I didn't want to write that. I still want to delete it. It's the truth and that's what this place is supposed to be. The place where I come and tell the truth of my life, whether I like it or not. I felt a similar need to edit and re-edit after the Wall Street Journal blurb. I hate editing because I hate re-reading things I've written, there is always room for improvement. If I dwell too long on perfection nothing would ever get posted. The more time you spend editing the truth the less there is and then what's the point?

I'm used to this being a dance like no one is watching kind of place. There are a lot of eyes lately. Fancy decision making eyes. Many of which belong to Blogher and their ads department. Noticed that did you? The ads? Matt and I talked a lot about that. Talking about blog business with him is fascinating because it's not his world at all. Explaining the intricacies and talking them through with him makes him a really good sounding board. He asks questions I would never consider, he has a very different perspective on it. He thought it was a good idea to go forward with the ads, and so did I. I thought it was going to take a lot longer and it didn't, I'm still getting used to it. They're snappy at BlogherAds! Women on a mission. Since I'm a woman on a mission too it seemed a good idea to join up.

I just have to work through the feeling of being watched. That is sort of the point of a blog, the audience. If we didn't want an audience we'd all have the diaries with the little padlocks littering our bedrooms. There is a certain thing about being a weightloss blogger and then putting yourself out in the world. The thing that everyone you meet, talk to, email with knows the exact digits of your weight. Because you told them. On the internet. I have to remind myself of that all the time when I'm not sure about revealing something. If you can post your weight, you can say you ate a brownie in a ramekin. Is that sabotage for other people (and I got the e-mails and I'm sorry it bothered folks) or is a part of my truth? I say it's a part of my truth, I do pilates and I eat brownies and obviously I'm not losing any weight. So you don't have to tell me I'm never going to lose weight that way, I know. Thanks for the thoughts, but I can only do my best. Don't we all?

4 comments:

PastaQueen said...

You might want to add the ad code to your individual entry templates. I read entries in a feed reader and only click through to comment, so I end up on the entry's page and not the index and the ads aren't there.

Anyway, I try not to think about all the people reading my blog. If I wrote every entry thinking, "My mom is reading this!" I'd never update again. But I'm good at denial.

Zanitta said...

wow, the people that email you sound like dicks.

)my comment on the brownie post was meant in all good fun, just thought I should clarify).

Amy said...

hmm, if I had any idea how to do that I surely would. err.

they're not all dicks, people just take things very personally sometimes. usually in a good way, 98% of the time.

I know you were in jest, I was surprised to have a comment on that post. it was a nice surprise!

Amy said...

the lovely ladies of blogher would also like me to put the ads somewhere else. WHERE? does anyone know, I'm desperate?