It's been taking me forever to write posts lately. I've become the perfectionist editor that I hate. You'd think that if I know it makes me nervous to check my statcounter I wouldn't do it. But I do, just like the damn scale (174.2, again.), and then I feel a little smothered when I try to post. I didn't want to write that. I still want to delete it. It's the truth and that's what this place is supposed to be. The place where I come and tell the truth of my life, whether I like it or not. I felt a similar need to edit and re-edit after the Wall Street Journal blurb. I hate editing because I hate re-reading things I've written, there is always room for improvement. If I dwell too long on perfection nothing would ever get posted. The more time you spend editing the truth the less there is and then what's the point?
I'm used to this being a dance like no one is watching kind of place. There are a lot of eyes lately. Fancy decision making eyes. Many of which belong to Blogher and their ads department. Noticed that did you? The ads? Matt and I talked a lot about that. Talking about blog business with him is fascinating because it's not his world at all. Explaining the intricacies and talking them through with him makes him a really good sounding board. He asks questions I would never consider, he has a very different perspective on it. He thought it was a good idea to go forward with the ads, and so did I. I thought it was going to take a lot longer and it didn't, I'm still getting used to it. They're snappy at BlogherAds! Women on a mission. Since I'm a woman on a mission too it seemed a good idea to join up.
I just have to work through the feeling of being watched. That is sort of the point of a blog, the audience. If we didn't want an audience we'd all have the diaries with the little padlocks littering our bedrooms. There is a certain thing about being a weightloss blogger and then putting yourself out in the world. The thing that everyone you meet, talk to, email with knows the exact digits of your weight. Because you told them. On the internet. I have to remind myself of that all the time when I'm not sure about revealing something. If you can post your weight, you can say you ate a brownie in a ramekin. Is that sabotage for other people (and I got the e-mails and I'm sorry it bothered folks) or is a part of my truth? I say it's a part of my truth, I do pilates and I eat brownies and obviously I'm not losing any weight. So you don't have to tell me I'm never going to lose weight that way, I know. Thanks for the thoughts, but I can only do my best. Don't we all?